Trying to move on from ex but don't know how

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This topic has 17 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by @Jasmine-3.

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July 22, 2014 at 8:25 am #61481

Anonymous
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I saw that another person posted about something similar, and I was going to respond to his, but what could I tell him when I’m still struggling to move forward in my life. I posted on here about two months ago telling my story but it seems like I just can’t change things for the positive.

My 15 year marriage ended 3 years ago because my ex was having an affair. Since then, I have gone through major upheaval in my life. I suffered through intense heartache for at least a year when it happened. I left my job of 15 years because of harassment from her brother that works there. I’m on my second job since leaving there and having trouble adjusting to it. Some of my family relationships have been strained to the point where certain members and I don’t talk. I’ve lost friends that I thought I could count on.

Everything changed in a heartbeat for me that day 3 years ago, but nothing has changed that much since then, unless things became more difficult.

Matt, who put up the other post, said he couldn’t forgive her. I can’t forgive my ex either and maybe if I could, I would find some peace in my life and move on. It’s difficult to forgive someone who betrays you, and who looked you and your kids in the face everyday, and lied to you. I know I made mistakes in my marriage but I took responsibility for them. When I tried for almost 6 months to save my marriage, she tried to say it was my fault that she cheated. How do you forgive someone like that?

As a person now, I can’t stand her. I resent the fact she is living more of a life than me. She has had relationships beyond the scumbag she cheated with. She is debt free, has a bunch of people who stuck with her, and has travelled quite a bit since this happened. The only cost was making my sons feel very secondary in her life. It’s frustrating to watch while I struggle to put together the pieces of my life.

I don’t know how to re-start my life. My confidence and self-esteem are low and I don’t know how to rebuild them. I don’t feel like someone could love me again. I feel like a spectator in life watching other people live. How do you move on when it feels like so many things aren’t right in your life?

July 22, 2014 at 2:06 pm #61498

71blusher
Participant

I don’t have the answer, but some of the information on this site seems to help. I know for me, I must take the time to find my own answer internally.

July 22, 2014 at 6:35 pm #61516

dreamer
Participant

Dear Steve,

Sometimes we go through experiences that we never would have imagined in our wildest dreams and I guess it’s because those experiences will only help us grow stronger. I know it’s a very difficult place to be in and I am very sorry that you are going through all this. Firstly, you should let go of all your anger, hate, resentment towards your ex because its pure negativity and it will not help you move further in life. I know its not easy but you should try. Let go of all your anger and negative emotions. Just close your eyes and talk it all out. Next, be grateful that by going away she has given you an opportunity to find true love. May be you are destined to be with a wonderful woman who loves you truly. Take baby steps everyday. Everyday is a new beginning. The sun rises every morning without fail just to remind people who have lost hopes that it’s a second chance to start over again. Everytime your ex crosses your mind, thank her for giving you an opportunity to find true love. Your ex might have friends and people flocking around her but the question is does she have a clear conscience? Absolutely not.
Make sure you don’t neglect your children. You don’t want all this to affect them and their future in anyway. There’s lot of peace in solitude so don’t worry about being lonely. Find the friend within you. Make a list of ten things everyday that you are grateful for. It can be your children, their smile, your life. Hope the best for you and your children. Each and every moment is a beginning. Every moment you think of the past, you are wasting a moment to create a beautiful future. You have all the power within you to create the destiny you want and you can do it by being positive and hopeful and stay strong. God will bless good people with nothing but the best and I am sure your blessing is on the way. Till then don’t give up on hopes and faith. No matter who is there with you or not, trust that god will always be on your side. Be the best you can be and the best will come looking for you and your children. Lastly, I am going to leave my favorite poem from Paul “Bear” Bryant:
This is the beginning of a new day
God has given me this day to use as I will
I can waste it or use it for good
What I do today is very important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it
When tomorrow comes this day will be gone forever
Leaving something in its place I have traded for it
I want it to be gain, not loss – good, not evil
Success, not failure, in order that I shall not forget the price I paid for it.
I hope this will help you every morning to give nothing but the best. I wish that your life will be all that you expected and more :). May god bless you and your children.

July 23, 2014 at 6:35 am #61571

Anyone
Participant

Hi Steve,

I understand your pain and feel sorry for what you went through. Yet, I can’t answer on why people cheat…but see the brighter side, would you want to stay with a cheat? No, right? That way you’re better off for it ended. It’s gets more difficult when we try to find the answers of betrayal and cheating. When discussed with one of my friend, she suggested, some people ARE that way. Flirt, cheat! That should be the end of trying to understand them. Better not to break our head on it. And when stopped thinking about it, I find myself more at peace. I too, used to feel resentment for my ex would have many more to date, woo, sleep, but at the end it is who HE/SHE is, NOT ME. So better to value ourself, for the person we’re.

Your ex is unlucky for she couldn’t value a wonderful person like you.

I too, get thoughts like, no one would love me again, but life changes with time, I’m living on hopes…we have a saying in Hindi ‘Umeed (hope) par duniya (world) kaayam hai (goes on). It means, after all, ‘World is alive on hopes’. And so are we!

And to answer ‘I don’t know how to re-start my life’…. Your life has already re-started. Love yourself to the fullest! Give yourself the best of everything, you deserve it!

Lots of love and positivity to you… Keep posting here whenever you feel you need someone to listen to you…

July 26, 2014 at 8:05 am #61795
Marwan
Participant
I guess you still waiting to see her suffer,
You believe she was selfish and unfair (which is what she is btw.) and you keep watching her waiting for your revenge to happen
and I guess that is why you are not able to forget your ex, for you the movie has not ended yet and you can`t turn off your TV without watching the villain die.

1-Consider her DEAD, my friend …. neglect all thoughts about her, good or bad.
Keeping thinking of your unfaithful ex is like giving away your precious time and money for free.
Throw away everything that reminds you of her, if you keep dreaming for the day she comes back begging then you gonna wait and dream for too long.

2-Get a new shape
You want (actually you need) to get attract someone far better than your ex, better looks and better character.
For that to happen you need to be sexy as hell both physically and mentally and I guess the best way to do that is to hit the GYM.

Lift weights, run, get a new haircut and buy yourself something nice to wear.
A few years ago you could have seen someone whom you like but you stepped away because you were married, now your free to try, your back to your old school days (with some differences though :d) and you`re free to date and attract women back to your life, this idea alone is enough to make the most miserable man happy, so cheer up dude.

3-May be it`s time to run your own business
You work in a job that you dont like, why don`t you put what you like online (or offline) and make money out of it.
You can buy a new house, travel the whole world and secure your kids` future.. Nothing is easy but your job is already hard on you, so why not?

————–
Finally,
Your wife have left a good but vulnerable man who lost 3 years of his life unable to forget what she did to him,
Why don`t you turn that around and be the Most Successful and the Most Desirable man you can be…
It`s either you keep living this way or you MASSIVELY change your life…

Massive Success is “ALWAYS” the best revenge..

Have a GREAT life my friend 🙂
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Marwan.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Marwan.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Marwan.
July 27, 2014 at 3:20 pm #61908

Anonymous
Inactive

Thank-you everyone for your heartfelt replies to my post. It meant a lot to me and made me feel better about the situation. It is taking time but I know the best thing to do is let go of all of it, and just take care of my sons and myself. Sometimes you don’t see it in your day to day life, but it’s good to see that there are so many people out there that care about others. Even if they have never met them. I am grateful for that.

July 27, 2014 at 6:50 pm #61919

Anonymous
Inactive

Hello Steve,

I was touched by your story and wanted to respond. I too had a relationship fall apart and was lied to, betrayed and blamed. I also struggle with forgiveness. And personally, I find I am quite angry. For me, I am finding healthy ways to express that anger (like a boxing class) and am hoping that forgiveness is on the other side.

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in feeling lost and frustrated. I am starting to practice “metta” meditation, and I am finding it helps. Also, I’ve gotten involved with volunteer work at a soup kitchen, and seeing those less fortunate makes me grateful. Lots of self-care too – getting enough rest, eating well, taking my vitamins, getting exercise, yoga to stretch my tight muscles, etc., etc. My self-esteem and self-worth have been at an all time low as well – please keep telling yourself every day – every minute of every day – that you deserve better, and that all you are feeling is normal.

Sending positive wishes and energy your way!

July 27, 2014 at 8:13 pm #61924
Big blue
Participant
Hi Steve,

I went through several very rough years like you. I have my career back. I am on good terms with my ex-wife.

– See a counselor or psychologist
– Discuss your situation only with them and maybe one or two others only
– Eat really well
– Get 7-9 hours of sleep
– Exercise hard doing what is fun and challenging
– Try to have your ex see the boys.
– Be supportive about her as their mom when around the boys shes their mom
– She is not dead don’t even use that word
– Avoid reminders is a good idea
– Be civil with her
– Don’t text email or otherwise message except briefly about seeing the boys or other essential things
– Realize your worth is not determined by a relationship or a job
– Figure out what positive things you can do.
– Forgive yourself
– Forgive her. I know just do it
– Become free as a person rather than a victim
– Reframe this as a learning experience
– Challenge yourself
– Be very aware and open going into relationships when ready. Talk with the counselor.
– Don’t take your baggage on dates. Ever. Don’t talk poorly about her.
– If a date or relationship goes poorly ok no worries. Try but don’t let it hurt your worth of self. Just say it was not a match.
– See the world with fresh eyes

What do you think?

Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Big blue.
July 27, 2014 at 11:14 pm #61932

Anonymous
Inactive

Thanks Mags and Big Blue,
What you both are saying makes sense I should be doing many of things everyone has mentioned. The funny thing is, I was doing so many of the things not long after it happened.
About a month and a half of grieving after it first happened, I started doing a number of these things. I started kickboxing again. I went to counseling from the moment it happened. I was taking care of the boys (That’s never been an issue for me),eating right and trying to socialize and be positive. I was doing fairly good and should have stayed to course.

At the time, I think I was trying to prove something to her. That I was going to be ok and her heartless act wasn’t going to break me. During this time, for about 6 months, I wasted time trying to get her to come back. Sometime during that period, I just crashed again. I don’t think I went through a proper grieving period for the ending of my marriage.

Big Blue said to just forgive her. It’s just difficult when I think of how callous she was to me and how she can be to our kids. I don’t feel like a victim anyone. I just married a self absorbed person who no conscience. I don’t contact her at all unless it’s absolutely necessary and about the kids.

Mags, I have starting doing meditation again. Just so you know, I read about what you have went through in one of your posts and I hope things keep improving for you also. Everyone deserves happiness on this forum and it a shame to see so many people struggling with hardships. Thanks again everyone

July 27, 2014 at 11:58 pm #61933

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Thanks everyone for your insightful thoughts 🙂

Hi Steve @guitardude

Re: forgiveness

Big blue has been through a lot and he has learnt the same things that most people do when they go through such experiences – FORGIVE and you set yourself free from all the pain (emotional, physical, mechanical, chemical, financial etc). However, I am starting to now realise after reading so many posts on this forum about forgiveness, it is not possible for people to forgive if someone asks them to. We do not learn from other people’s experiences until we go through them. And guess what, it is correct. Our brain only learns from mistakes and it has to be our own mistakes. Some people learn sooner from their mistakes, some people take a lifetime and some never learn and die questioning. Choice always remains in our hands though to live a happy existence.

I wish you all the best in your journey and I hope one day you will be able to forgive yourself and free yourself. Whether that day is today or in 10 years, it is your journey to live and discover. I just want you to know that you are loved by you. I would also like to leave you with this quote: ” everything that has happened in our lives is just preparing us for the moment yet to come”.

Hi Mags @mags

Read your earlier posts about PMR and fibromyalgia. Your healing lies in forgiving your mother. You think you could do that for yourself ? Think about it.

Cheers

Jasmine

July 28, 2014 at 4:29 am #61940
Big blue
Participant
Hi Steve,

Jasmine is right. Thanks Jasmine. It took me years. However, no one explained it to me like this, so could I have gotten there sooner? I got there.

Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Big blue.
July 28, 2014 at 4:57 am #61942

Matt
Participant

BB, Jasmine,

“Pain is required, suffering is optional” said one of my teachers. We can’t escape the thorns, such as the emotional pain that demands our forgiveness, but we can avoid the confusion that comes with it. We’ll still feel the pang, the emotional blergyness it takes to wake us up, but then know what to do to heal it, let it go. Next time, pangs less, feel it getting better, become more confident in our heart, and eventually be done with it. We can also become proactive, cultivating cure during our uptimes to use when we meet the challenge. (Such a metta, mantras of forgiveness, etc).

Namaste!

With warmth,
Matt

July 28, 2014 at 5:32 am #61944

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Thanks Matt. Agree with your teacher. Pain is unavoidable for most of us but suffering is avoidable for all.

Big Blue, I dont know if you could have gotten to this stage of forgiveness earlier. I am not that evolved to answer such a high level question. However, I do know that your future is very bright now, all thanks to this learning that you have had. Nothing in life is going to make you suffer for too long now 🙂 When we forgive, we are telling our mind in a very convincing manner that we do not have time to hurt ourselves. We are too precious and awesome to suffer, yeah !!

July 28, 2014 at 9:25 am #61955

Anonymous
Inactive

Steve,

Thank you for your kind words, and for NOT giving unsolicited advice or medical diagnoses. You’re right – we all deserve happiness. You sound like a kind and thoughtful man, and I wish you only the best. Again, sending positive energy your way – may we all find peace!

July 28, 2014 at 1:32 pm #61982

Big blue
Participant

Hi Jasmine and Matt,

I greatly appreciate your thoughts!

Matt, thank you yes just like a workout with weights has some pain, I am not suffering (much lol) because I am embracing it all. With emotional stresses we often see this as bad, when it too is a natural challenge that we choose to view as suffering or as growth.

Jasmine, thank you, forgiveness comes as more of an apex or turning point – aha – I see this picture differently, suddenly, and I probably did not see it coming, and here I am seeing it new.

Big blue
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