January 12, 2023 at 12:08 pm #413658
I do feel sorry for you, empathy is a better word. It makes me sad because I wish that you still had that excitement going to work and I wish that you had the love relationship you want. One more thing, sexuality is not as binary as once thought, particularly when it comes to women. Most women (so I read in a research) are not 100% straight or 100% gay, there is a lot in between, and your boss may be one of those in-between.
anitaJanuary 12, 2023 at 12:28 pm #413665
Yea cos I find it weird, she has never felt irritated by my bear hugs or kisses or whispering in the ears. Women are not 100% straight, they more probably just have the feeling, but don’t act on it due to a plethora of reasons. Oh well,I really need space from her and I wish I can take leave for one whole week, so I don’t have to bump into her, perhaps as time goes on, I will ease into seeing her as just my superior and nothing more. She knows I am attracted to her already, I just hope she doesn’t feel awkward around me though. Hoping we can both be mature about it.January 12, 2023 at 12:38 pm #413666
It will help you if at work, you are able to do a good job pretending that you see her as just your superior and nothing more. You can prepare by visualizing how you will be acting in the workplace the next day, a mental/ visual rehearsal of sorts.
(I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours, I think).
anitaJanuary 12, 2023 at 2:27 pm #413676
if I am being too formal. She is going to notice there is something off about me?January 12, 2023 at 6:25 pm #413683
I’d say: don’t be formal at all; be nice, smile, be friendly. You can plan ahead of time (before you see her at work) what topics you will bring up to her, what topics you will not, and how you will answer if she asks you certain questions. For example, if she does notice that something is off about you, and asks you: what’s wrong?- plan how to respond to this question. If she is overly friendly/ flirtatious with you, plan how to respond to that. Also, if you are in a situation with her and it’s awkward, you can plan to excuse yourself to the bathroom, wash your face with cold water and take a few deep breaths.
Preparing will cause you to feel less awkward, less anxious and more in control around her. Prepare and rehearse.
anitaJanuary 12, 2023 at 10:22 pm #413691
Hi Anita, sometimes if she is already sitted in the office, she opens up her arms for a side hug?how to do I evade this? As I only want to be saying hello from afar now 🤧🤧January 13, 2023 at 6:08 am #413692
Does she open up her arms for a side hug with other employees as well (all or selected few)? If she does, how do they react, do they hug her back, and if so, how?
anitaJanuary 13, 2023 at 6:49 am #413693
She opens a side hug for some employees but these employees are like her friends. As in they are mates. They are on the same managerial level. Their reaction after the hug is to sit and continue chatting or gisting. I have never seen her doing side or bear hugs with a subordinate in the office except outside the office though, maybe like at a function organized by the company and it’s mostly female subordinates. Just side hug and they part ways.January 13, 2023 at 6:50 am #413694
Yes they hug her backJanuary 13, 2023 at 7:08 am #413696
This is a tough one, how to react to the side hug, I didn’t consider this when talking about preparing and rehearsing being nice and friendly. I am trying to figure this out. Tell me again, how will it make you feel if/ when the two of you side-hug, at this point?
anitaJanuary 13, 2023 at 8:50 am #413708
Hi Anita, having a side hug with her. Will just make me feel sad that I can’t have what I want. I intend to avoid her the few times I go to work though. I go the office twice a week, so I guess I can manage to avoid those hugs by not staying in the same office as she and perhaps not chatting with her online too often might reduce the familiarity as well.January 13, 2023 at 8:57 am #413711
Avoiding her plus expressing distance from her is likely to cause her, over time, to no longer offer the side-hugs and friendly behavior toward you, over time, if you persist. Problem is that you may not persist because ..let’s say she is very friendly one day, it crosses your mind that she is being flirtatious and interested after all, and you feel vulnerable again. Maybe having an honest, direct conversation with her (not on email, so that there is no record of it) is better… ?
anitaJanuary 13, 2023 at 9:43 am #413712
That’s very true Anita and I need the amicable relationship because I may need her help at anytime. She has been quite helpful and has been an Amazing Boss, so I am not going to let these feelings make me Selfish. But also I definitely need this coming week to be able to accept things, because that’s the only way I can move on and stare at reality and to only see that she is nice and friendly with everyone. I can’t believe I am the one typing this, it’s so easy to type but hard to achieve. So I’d respond to the side hugs if she gives it, but I ain’t pecking or hugging her ever again. I don’t want to get vulnerable again.
For the last part of your message, I don’t think I want to strike a conversation with her, except she brings it up and directly asks me, but of course we know most straight women wouldn’t. I know for a fact that she has seen that my likeness maybe more as she is a very keen person. She has once told me she reads minds and understands human psychology. So Even when I get vulnerable, I will excuse myself politely like you said earlier and rinse my face with water to cool off.January 13, 2023 at 10:33 am #413715
These things make good sense to me: “I need the amicable relationship“, “I’d respond to the side hugs if she gives it, but I ain’t pecking or hugging her ever again“, and “I will excuse myself politely like you said earlier and rinse my face with water to cool off“. In regard to not initiating an honest and direct conversation with her- that’s fine, for now. But as time progresses, if things will get too difficult for you, it may be a good idea- at that time in the future- to initiate such a conversation with her.
“She has once told me she reads minds and understands human psychology“- if this is true, she could, if she wanted, initiate such a conversation herself… so to help you out, to make life easier for you. What do you think?
anitaJanuary 13, 2023 at 10:54 am #413716
Hi Anita, thanks for the response thus far. We have been chatting back and forth extensively and I am starting to feel better that I am not alone in this.
But I want to ask you, what’s the point of discussing with her about my feelings? Her response the other day shows she is straight, so talking to her won’t change it. It won’t ease the pain I am feeling at the moment. Hopefully things won’t get too difficult for me, cos I don’t think there are times she tries to be alone with me. I believe that’s only when such temptation can come up. As for her inviting me to her place, she hasn’t mentioned it since last year Dec, so I guess that won’t come up again, but if it does, I will dodge. I guess the only fear I have at the moment is if she would start acting awkward towards me by next week, that’s why I earlier mentioned if we are both mature about it, we can move on. Will update you on her attitude towards me by next week if it has changed.