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Where do I stand?

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #168154

    Tom
    Participant

    I met a girl who lives a little further away and we have had 5 or 6 really good dates, after the last date she stayed over at my house. We won't see each other for a few weeks because of work etc but I am starting to get the feeling that she is losing interest. Messages are few and far between when before they were fairly constant.

    Should I just see how it pans out or actually try and ask her what is going on?

    #168192

    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hey Tom,

    When you say you live a little further away from each other, what kind of distance are we talking about? I ask this because she may have some broad plans and distance may be affecting her negatively. I would most def get together with her, maybe lunch or dinner, and ask. I find that texting is a little one dimensional in that we really don't see all the feelings that we should. So set up another awesome date and ask. If she says things that suggest going your own ways, accept them, let the relationship down gently, wish her well, stay in touch, and be forever grateful for the time you did spend. The longer this drags out the harder it gets.

    Pearce

    #168234

    Austin
    Participant

    Tom,

    I think it is fine to ask her on a date dude, buuuuuut with women, I'm gonna give you a hard truth!! If they aren't texting back on average within about 15 min, chances are they aren't interested. Heck, women are GLUED to their phones bro. Don't lie to yourself if the messages are few and far between. I'm sure she's great and got everything, but you need to get mentally prepared just in case she's not into you.

    I'm not gonna blow sunshine up your ass, I wish you the very very best in all seriousness. She could be busy if this has been only for the past few days. So that's why CALLING around 8p.m. her time and asking for a date. Don't text. Texting is dumb and it takes all the emotions out of it. Swing for the fences man, and if you strikeout, there will be another great gal later down the stretch.

    #170077

    Tom
    Participant

    Quick Update:

     

    We met for dinner on Thursday as she was working near me. Like all of our other dates it went really well and we had a good time, kissed at the end of the date etc.

     

    She is very busy again with work for the next few weeks and has a wedding etc so not sure when we will see each other again but we both agreed that we would. Since then we have messaged briefly and it was me who sent the first message. Should I reach out again in a few days and see if she is ok or wait to see if she reaches out to me?

     

    I guess I just don’t want to come across a bit needy and keen but on the flip side I do really like spending time with her. I know the practicalities with the distance etc aren’t the best so am also wary of setting myself up for disappointment in the long run.

     

    Also, should I still speak to other people or not? We haven’t spoken about anything like that so I have no idea whether or not she is. Perhaps she is and that is why her messages etc are now less frequent.

     

    Any thoughts would be appreciated?

    #170087

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tom:

    You asked: “Should I reach out again in a few days and see if she is ok or wait to see if she reaches out to me?” I would reach out to her if I was you, in a few days. Sending her a message in a few days after a good date doesn't feel too needy of a move.

    You asked: “should I still speak to other people or not?” Yes, I would consider dating others and go about it, if I was you because the two of you did not discuss exclusivity and the dating relationship is far from being solid.

    anita

    #170105

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Tom,

    How was she when she came to your house? Was she distant then? Do you think anything happened to make her become distant? I don't think it would hurt to casually ask her out for coffee and see how she acts. Keep us posted. Also, I think the distance is coming from the “messaging” don't be her pen-pal. Talk to her on the phone. That's where the emotional binding happens, the laughter, tone of voice, funny stories, all you can't get through texting. Personally I find texting in dating relationships silly and teenageish. I won't go there. Try not to text. If she texts you, tell her you would enjoy having a conversation over the phone. I have seen constant texting ruin many relationships. It's too impersonal.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  Eliana.
    #170127

    Tom
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thanks for your reply. Much appreciated. I only ask because I just have a hunch that she has become a little more distant. In the first 3 weeks or so we were messaging every day and she seemed really really keen. I know she is super busy with work and travels a lot but I guess it would be cool her to message me once. I don’t mind ‘chasing’ as such but we have had around 7 dates and spent the night together so guess I should a bit more about what we are by now. I think the fact I really like her and get on so well with her as made me overthink it a lot more than I should which isn’t a good thing.

    #170131

    Tom
    Participant

     

    Hi Eliana,

    No, when she came over we had such a great evening and she stayed the night. We went for some lunch the next day before she had to drive home. After that we didn’t see each other for nearly 3 weeks because of work and other plans (weddings, family visiting etc). It was during this break, the messages started to ease off. I did ask to have a phone call one evening but her sister was over for a few days from abroad and she wanted to enjoy her time with her so couldn’t speak.

    We then had a meal last week which again went really well like all of our dates and we both had a great time. We kissed at the end of the night like all of other previous dates. Again though, I think it will be a few weeks before we see each other again because of work commitments etc. I don’t want to overthink her not messaging lots but obviously want to have some form of contact as would really like to see her again.

    #170197

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tom:

    For the purpose of not overthinking (“I don’t want to overthink her not messaging lots”) when you do communicate, maybe when you meet in person, get to know her, ask her questions, learns how she thinks. If you have the information you need, you won't have to guess, or overthink. Ask her why she doesn't text you or message you otherwise. If her answer is not satisfactory, ask another. Do so sensibly, gently so to invite honest answers.

    Share with her how you feel, not in an overwhelming way (you don't want to appear too needy, nor do you want to be too needy…), but in an honest, controlled way, in moderation, and see what response you get.

    Get to know each other this way.

    anita

    #170297

    Tom
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    The problem with that is I don't think we will see each other for at least 2 weeks now, maybe a little longer.

    Since our meal last week, we have exchanged a few messages but that is all. When we are together we get on so well. The only thing that is confusing me is how she has chanegd from lots of contact to not so much without any real reason. I had recently moved and she got me a little present etc and now it just seems that I am having to chase her with limited response.

    #170409

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tom:

    You are confused about “how she has changed from lots of contact to not so much without any real reason”- did you or can you ask her before meeting her again or when meeting her for her real reason?

    If you ask and if she answers honestly, you will no longer be confused.

    anita

    #170455

    Tom
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I sent her a message yesterday and had no response. It was just a normal message mentioning something we spoke about on the last date.

    In my mind I feel like I should wait to see if she contacts me now. I only say this because if she doesn't I know that she has definitely got cold feet about something. I would honestly prefer her to just say if she wasn't interested. I think 7 + dates and spending the night together warrants that but that's just me. Apologies for the rant bust wanted to get it of my chest.

    Do you think this is the right way to go or should I give it a few more days and reach out?

    Any advice is greatly appreciated.

     

    #170551

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tom:

    My advice is still the same as before. Perhaps another member will have a different advice that will satisfy you. I hope so.

    anita

    #170567

    Tom
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    So you think I should reach out again via message to make my intentions to see her again clear?

    As I mentioned above, I reached out to her a few days ago and had nothing back.

     

    Feels like the beginning of a ghosting but could be wrong.

    #170581

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tom:

    The last message you sent her  “was just a normal message mentioning something we spoke about on the last date”-

    maybe what you mentioned in your last message, that something you spoke about on the last date, was too insignificant for her, for example, maybe you mentioned a rock band you like that she doesn't care about and that didn't trigger her to answer. Just maybe. And if so far you avoided the real topics of concern to you, which is the nature of her feelings for you, the quality of the relationship itself, then maybe she thinks you are superficial.

    I suggested to ask her questions on what really does concern you so that you get the information you need and know where you stand (in the title of your thread)

    anita

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