PikeMan,

i have never been married nor do i have kids so i can only imagine the pain you are experiencing. I had 2 friends go through a very similar situation, and the problem ended up that it was “too little, too late” in their case. They went into a panic when told that their wives didnt feel for them as the did before, and went bombarded the woman with their love and emotions that she hadnt seen in quite some time. This caused her to become even more distant. Both cases ended in divorce, the first one the woman regretted leaving after she realized she put an end to their marriage too soon and decided not to work on things. The second woman left for another man and actually is attempting to rekindle with her ex husband at this very moment, and this is 2 years later.

what i would suggest is that you seem to have put all of your emotions and efforts out there. Shes well aware of how you feel now. You cannot change what has made this situation occur. Go about your life as you were before, but make the proper adjustments, and show that you are a man of his word. Let her know that you still want this to work and that you still love her, but not in a means of panic. That will only drive her away from you. She needs the space to figure out why she is being so distant, but in the mean time, make sure you continue to work hard to keep up with your work and the additional chores your have been trying to absorb to help out. I always say to avoid conflict, work around the house that needs done, act as if nobody else is going to take care of it and just take care of it yourself when things need attention. Think about it, whats worse, absorbing the responsibilities or having conflict with your family?

also take into consideration that you can only believe that she is telling you the truth on why she is distant. If there is another man, there is absolutely nothing you can do to control that situation. As far as date night goes, she has already said no, so take her for her word. It is now up to her to reach out for a date or to talk about the love you have for one another.

i had a woman fall out of love with me after years of dating and living together purely because i did not seem to show her the affection she desired for the last month we were together. Thats how quickly a woman can change her mind. I went on to smother her, it pushed her away.

sometimes we lose track of what we are doing in relationships, but the lack of communication along the way compounds the issues. She didnt communicate this to you until it was too late, and you continued to do the things that were driving her away, not even realizing the damage. Just know that you are not a horrible person for this, and that we all make mistakes.

trust me when i say, the worst you can do is panic and smother. If there happens to be someone else involved, its out of your control, if not, you can still mend this, it will take time.

Dear PikeMan:

Maybe your wife is guided solely by her feelings, as in no-spark, no-marriage. Doesn’t matter that she has two young children, and a loving, hard working, loyal husband, what matters to her is that she doesn’t feel the spark?

A marriage and family is a heavy duty commitment and a long term project, it requires a commitment independent of a spark (which cannot possibly be experienced at all time, nor can it be forced). It requires a partnership, common goals, common values. I suppose that is what the marriage counselor aimed at the two  of you discussing your “5 yr, 10 yr and retirement goals with one another”.

It is possible for your wife to experience a spark with another man, but that too will not last, the spark that is. And your two young children, two dependent lives- traded for a temporary spark?

anita

Dear PikeMan:

Humans are emotional animals, what drives us is emotion, that energy-in-motion. But we also have logic available to us and that thing called values, such as trust, being worthy of our partner’s trust, being that safe place for  him (or her), where he doesn’t have to worry about an on-and-off spark. And there is the value of parenting a child one brought into the world, doing the right thing by that child.

Here is my current input regarding her off-spark: the more you try to reignite it in her, the less likely it is to be re-ignited. No use chasing it. Your recent efforts to help her, suggesting a date and so forth, that didn’t make a difference. Better not repeat what doesn’t work.

Consider moving to another room, in the same home with her, so to give her the physical space, her own bedroom. Do the opposite of chasing her- give her all the distance she can handle. Maybe in that distance, a spark will be born. I think this is your better bet. What do you think?

anita

Dear PikeMan:

You are welcome. I think that the distance approach is more likely to get you what you want. I wouldn’t take a rude-distance approach, that might not work with a “very stubborn and prideful” woman. Present to her the idea of her having her own bedroom for the time being as something that she may prefer, something that will make her more comfortable. And be nice about it and throughout the distance period of time.

The distance should not be presented and delivered as punishment, but as a way for her to feel more comfortable. Within this distance, you can still eat together, or watch TV or whatnot, so the two of you will still be living in the same house and interacting. But the distance should be significant enough to make a difference for her.

And again, within this distance, a spark may be ignited. Or something like a spark, warm and cozy- maybe that will be good enough for  her.

anita

Dear PikeMan:

I would say that if you notice that she is uncomfortable being in the same bedroom as you, it being that she feels so distant, then ask her if she is indeed uncomfortable and suggest staying in separate rooms, for her comfort.

Because you will be seeing your new marriage counselor next week, if you don’t notice her discomfort, maybe you better wait and suggest it during the session.

My point still stands: give her distance and something is more likely to be ignited in that distance, and remember to remain pleasant and respectful within this distance.

anita

Hi Pikeman,

I agree with the solid advice here and will only add that it’s interesting that this is occurring after seven years of marriage. Sounds like the “7 year itch” to me. They say it’s common for marriages to lose some happiness after seven years, that romantic feelings are reduced/tensions increased, both of which can lead to infidelity. We get overwhelmed with juggling our relationships with childrearing/work, the mortgage/rent payments, feeling stressed out and unappreciated, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture and why we wanted to marry in the first place. Regular date nights help but since she’s not interested do all you can to remind yourself (and her) of all you are aside from husband/dad/employee/provider/etc. Get your swagger back, take care of yourself, dress nicely, exercise when you can, show off your sex appeal. This just may remind her that other women find you attractive and could snap her out of this 7-year-thing real quick. 🙂

B