Dear Helcat:

“I’m glad that healing our relationship is making you feel better and hopeful (it makes me happy too)”– and I am glad that it makes you happy too! ❤️😊

“It’s great to hear that you managed to get some sleep. Long may it all continue!“- thank you. I am sleeping better these days, although I do wake up and stay awake every night for some time.

“I don’t judge him“- not judging/ not being negatively critical, is so very important in a marriage!

“As I learn more about couples counselling there are so many behaviours that are not so much abusive as, they cause some difficulties with communication“- very good point and very helpful: to tell the difference between difficulties with communication and abusive behaviors

“Thank you for saying that I’m a good mother, I’m trying my best!“- you are welcome, and thank you for being a good mother because being a good mother makes the world a better place!

“I think you’re a good person who tries very hard to help people every single day. It is a privilege to know you“- thank you. I think that you are a good person too, and it is indeed a privilege to know you!

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome! Otherwise, I keep myself busy working (a volunteer kind of work) and I socialize as often as possible- this works best for me. For the first time in my life, I panicked during a long dental procedure and had to be re-scheduled. I am now scared of the next appointment and my tongue is bruised (1.5 days after the numbing).

Good to read that it’s been calm on the relationship front (calm works so much better than anxiety and particularly panic, see above). I hope to read soon, that your precious dog’s blood tests show continued improvement!

anita

Dear Helcat:

Thank you for your empathy and understanding. My tongue is still sore and talking keeps it sore. Good choice on your part to walk out and reschedule following an experience with a dentist whose hands were shaking.

“I wonder if you could bring music or something to distract you for your next appointment? Or were you doing something like that already?“- they do have music playing, and usually, the window is open and you can watch squirrels running around, but this time, with cloth in my mouth for too long.. I wasn’t even aware of the music.

“I hope that the next one goes more smoothly!“- I received a prescription for valium to take before the next appointment, but I am scared nonetheless.

“It is so kind of you to write to people when you have a busy life. ❤️”- ❤️back to you!

“Thank you for your kind wishes! Agreed, calm is so much better than the alternative“- you are welcome and indeed calm is better.

“Today, I found a lost dog and returned it to it’s owner. It made me think of my missing cat. A hopeful part of me thinks that it is good karma. Perhaps she will return? I don’t know. Wishful thinking maybe. I can dream“- I wish she returns to you.. that would be wonderful! And you did a wonderful thing for another pet’s owner, thank you!

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome and thank you for wishing me well.

“I’ve never had cloth in my mouth at the dentist before. I wouldn’t like it either“- I think of it as a form of torture. I will bring it up, I bet there’s a way to do what they need to do without the cloth (plus the assistant didn’t know how to use the cloth, called another assistant and the way they talked, it was as if they used it for the first time and were experimenting.. which could explain why my tongue is still sore, 4 days after).

“To paraphrase Nelson Mandela ‘Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.’“- thank you of reminding me of this!

If I triumph over fear and attend the next appointment (in 9 days from now), and it’s completed, I will have a temporary crown, then will have to return for a permanent and some other less major work, total, if all goes well, 3 appointments.

Thank you for your support. It’s this week that you’ll be taking your dog for blood work. I hope it goes well, and I hope things are still calm on the relationship front.

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome, and no, I didn’t feel that you minimized my experience before. You’ve been nothing but empathetic and supportive, and I very much appreciate your support.  I’ve been talking about this topic with you more than with anyone else. I will let you know what happens next (tongue is still sore, will it ever not be sore..).

I am sorry to read that things didn’t go well for you today on the relationship front. About his female friend behaving inappropriately, what comes to my mind is that you shared how he was inexperienced and did not understand flirting, you had to explain it to him (from what I remember). I am guessing that he didn’t view her behavior as inappropriate(even though it was) and therefore didn’t understand your feelings..?

anita

Dear Helat:

Thank you for being interested in my dental-anxiety situation, good to know I have you to talk about it.

Your description of his friend is clear and I trust it to be accurate. Reads like she is a wild woman of sorts: impulsive, unreliable, not-trustworthy.

“She started cheating on her husband without taking any birth control… She was claiming to be afraid of having a baby but refused to take the morning after pill“- claiming is a good choice of word, I think, because what she says is not necessarily true (or it ma be true at one moment, but not in the next moment). Reads like she likes drama, craves excitement.. craves for things to happen so that life is not terribly boring.

“We visited her recently after having the baby and she was rude and ignored me and made a comment fantasizing that our son was hers and my husband’s. My husband thought it was a joke. I didn’t think that it was funny“- clearly inappropriate and disrespectful of you. Not funny.

“She was sulking while he was talking to her husband and only smiled and brightened up when my husband paid her attention“- astute observation.

“(She) was talking to my husband very explicitly about the details of her affair… he didn’t think it was a big deal, I asked him to set boundaries with her about that. He didn’t understand why even after explaining… I then spoke to her and asked her politely to not talk to my husband about her sex life. She apologised. My husband is angry that I spoke to her“- I understand your distress, and I would be distressed about this too, if I was in your place. You mentioned before that he is stoic, and I am guessing that her graphic description neither moved him toward her (attraction), nor away from her (repulsion).

Reads like her behaviors bother you, but they don’t bother him. I feel sad that how you feel about her behaviors don’t bother him enough to assert certain changes in their communication, so that your feelings are taken into serious consideration. I am sorry about this dynamic and hope that somehow he learns to understand better.

anita