Thank you all again.

If anything I feel less alone now knowing that other people have had/have similar experiences.

I definitely relate to the looking for different worries. I know because this week I have been so calm and in love and the very slightest thing could happen and not bother me. But if I am in a bad mood I get very judgemental very quiuckly.

Thank you for that Anita. Even reading the words ‘a rich one’ made me realise what is important to me. I don’t need someone rich in financial terms, that is way easier to find than someone who is rich in love and respect. I will continue to focus on that the next time that I have anxious thoughts.

Jennifer, I definitely feel this barriers more now, but yesterday I was working and I thought ‘I love him’. It was a very nice feeling, I just had an urge to tell him. And I felt nice stomach sensations rather than crippling fear.

I definitely have been tryimng to face the ego head on. For example, rather than close off and shut down the other day I just told him ‘I feel scared and i don’t know why.’ And it helped the fear quieten. I also have started answering the judgemental thoughts, by realising that they are not true thoughts and that what I can focus on are the positive thoughts/feelings I have about him based on our time together.

The last point you made did make me feel anxious. I often worry that maybe this ‘difference’ in education may become too much. But, really, I can love education and grow in that sense alone as part of the relationship.  I think at times I overvalue it, i.e. my self esteem was built on it which is not healthy.

I also a(after calming down from reading the difference statement) realise that we have very common core values:

– love and respect

– love for family

– how to treat children and how we believe in disciplining them (with words not physical action)

– how we love to explore in differnt ways…travel for example

– how we love to seize the moment

But most of all, we both just want happiness and I do believe in my heart that is what we provide for each other, however scary that may be. I think that making educational differences a dealbreaker would break my heart only. We are so much more than what a title or university course says about us. For example, both of our personal circumstances when we wer younger impeded us from further education one way or another. I was fortunate enough to go back. He however did something so selfless by taking over the role of his family business and providing for them when they had no one else to turn to.

Now, I believe after hearing years of ‘jokes’…simple comments about his spelling, his memory, that he believes he CANNOT do it. That hurts because I want him to know he can take on the world and will never receive anything but support from me. I think it comes from a place of love, that I want him to have these opportunities too because he deserves them. But, I need to accept that these decisions must come from him and in the present moment it does not matter.

I can’t predict the future so must stop trying to.

Anita,

I thank you so much for this eye-opening and challenging post. I want to say I had never considered it as a core belief, I guess I am still laerning about all that, and therapy is helping. I did some psychotherapy for a year, then did some group psychotherapy and now am doing 1 on 1 therapy, but I cannot remember the exact name, I think it is psycho-social. The idea is to explore emotions and heal the inner child. We specifically tackle my relationship anxiety and it is helping, but as you mentioned anxiety is fear.

I also want to thank you for helping me to choose love over fear. Last night when I got home late (we both are learning a language each so Tuesday is a later evening for us) we sat together and I said what I had to:

“I am very sorry from the bottom of my heart if ever I have made you feel less than me or anyone else for not having a degree. I think that I have my own issues in relation to education which frighten me greatly, and maybe I will always find it difficult to understand why people don’t feel the same, or why maybe you don’t ever want to study, but for you I accept that because I love you for you. I think you are an incredible person with the biggest heart I have ever met and that is what you have shown me is important and I really do love you with all my heart`

It was a nice moment because I felt like I was taking care of myself and him together, we are stronger together. When you said: ‘ You have been communicating to him, intentionally or not, that he is not valuable because of his lack of education.’ I almost cried in pain because I would never want to do that to him, and I suppose I understand how that feels.

And then this morning, the core belief attacked again. My brother has a girlfriend and I asked what she does. She is doing her PhD and I felt tense, scared and less. Then I realised that all anyone wants is happiness and we are all on our own individual paths, so I let it go and focused on the positives in life.

Thank you again for taking time out to respond to me. I want you to know that I value it greatly.

Anita,

Thank you for the encouragement. Yes that is the next step. To pause and not say anything because sometimes saying it almost starts the loop of anxiety again, rather, than letting go.

I have therapy on Monday and will be bringing this very theme to the session. I even thought about printing one or two of your recent posts off and highlighting parts.

It’s funny, because reading you say ‘Formal education has, in reality, value.’ I can literally feel my body heat as I read/type that. It’s like a fear, I really can’t explain. Anxiety latches on to that like a ‘oh no, she thinks the relationship won’t work’ or ‘oh no maybe I value this and need to consider it in the greater context of my relationship.’ I think the key here for me is explore how I can maintain my individual values and goals as a member of a relationship, rather than expecting my relationship to provide me with 100% of my needs.

I used to cringe, but it feels somewhat freeing to write and not change or correct. JUST WRITE! The message is what is important. I had this issue when he gave me a card for my anniversary, and when I originally moved here. He made two little mistakes in both cards, and my anxiety flared, until I could soften and read WHAT he was saying and really feel loved. I do feel like maybe I care too much what others think – it’s almost the perfecctionist trap again. If we are both Doctors, Psychologists, Lawyers etc then we LOOK amazing and ARE amazing. But, he is happy with his role in his family food business. He is happy learning English at his pace. That’s the key, he is happy and can find beauty in the little things.

Ive also noticed I do it with a lot of people – recently looking around the office I can’t help but think HOW they managed. They say the most bizarre things and have the most banal conversations. I really know that this is in my head and now that you’ve helped me name it ‘core belief’ I really do feel I can work with this fear and anxiety, and hopefully whatever the outcome, it is made with peace and love.

Anita,

So that’s a positive thing to notice and reflect I guess, rather than panic and make irrational decisions?

I don’t remember much, my late teens were quite blurred with emotional neglect or perhaps emotional abuse is the best way to say it.

I did remember two things. When I was very young I remember crying at the kitchen table because I could not spell the word grandad. Even though she showed me how to, each time she came back I had put a double d. I remember she got very frustrated and wouldn’t let me leave. I also remember that each Friday we had a spelling test in class, and I used to always ‘win’. Another thing I remember is that she would call me in during the summer holidays when I was playing with friends or whatever to make me sit and revise my mathematics times tables. I remember I used to be so upset/embarrassed because I was the only one who was called to do it. I believe she meant well, but it’s worth reminding that she was forced to leave school at 15 to go and work (her family background is quite negative). I guess that is like my current partner (only he comes from a generally loving and supportive family). I know I used to get upset because we couldn’t afford new textbooks and I always had to have second hand ones.

One other thing I remember, when I was 18 I was sitting my finals in high school. At the time I was no longer living with her because of the difficulties of the situation and was forced to live with a family member. I bumped into her after an exam, which I had made a mistake in and explained to her the mistake I made, and how I rectified it (I was proud I noticed the mistake, and thought fast to correct it) and she said ‘Well what did you do that for?’ in a very critical tone and I remember feeling very sad.

Her love for me was very conditional. I remember that if we ever did something wrong at home, it was quite common for her to pointblank ignore us as punishment. Likewise, I do know that when I did well in school etc she praised me a lot, and encouraged me a lot. If I was ever in trouble or anything like that I would be punished. She used to check up a lot on my work too, and make sure my stuff was always signed. But love wise, I do really struggle to remember the good times but I am not sure if that is a stress reaction. I dont know if I shut off from memories, that is why I can’t remember, almost as a protective factor. Other people often don’t understand when I mention that I cannot remember the so called ‘good times.’

I remember my brother was not very academic, he had potential to be but liked to be out with friends etc. I remember when his results came too they weren’t as good as mine (although he was older) and I remember he was upset in his room, probably because he hadn’t achieved what he ‘should’ have.

Hello again,

Yes and the sad thing is – it just creastes nerves and perfectionism in kids. When really everyone makes mistakes.

So I understand a lot but don’t. And being in the relationship has helped me remember.

It is curious you mention that, because I often feel very calm when my partner caresses my face. We tend to always hold hands as we watch tv, but also as we go to fall asleep. And I ALWAYS feel calm and safe as we do it.

So maybe the safety thing is education because it was always a way for me to be stable and safe. So when I worry about the future and whether I am good enought to continue my studies here rather than in English, I think that studying will make me safe because my fear stems from uncertainity and studying/exams always lead to a grade defining where I am at. Maybe I project onto my partner this fear too:

For example, I am worried about the future, buying a house, children etc so think AH I NEED TO DO MY MASTERS TO MAKE SURE I GET MONEY. Then I panic, and think, YOU NEED TO STUDY NOW BECAUSE YOU ‘ONLY’ RUN THE LITTLE FOOD STORE AND IF YOU ARE INJURED OR AS YOU GET OLDER THAT MAY NOT BE POSSIBLE AND WHAT WILL WE DO, i.e. how will we be safe? So that’s why I fear misspelling, or potential differences in intellect because I fear that it is confirming my fear, rather than soothing it. It’s like I am sel-fulling my own fears.

The only thing we can be sure of is the present. Everything else we will find a way. I do notice that when I help my partner with his English I would get extremely frustrated if he didnt get the answer instantly. Now I try a softer approach.

The mind has strange ways…..