how to forget her when trying to sleep?

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This topic has 43 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 18, 2018 at 8:55 pm #203129
abubin
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I know there are a lot of threads in here about trying to forget a lost relationship. So I just created a new one in order not to be confusing.

I have ended my long distance affair with her two days ago. She was “here” on holiday and we met up. I fetch her to do some errands, had meals and then I dropped her off at her hotel. The night later, after some texting, I broke up with her. It was a very painful thing for me to do. I thought I would not be affected so badly because I mentally prepared myself for this for sometime already.

I am trying to move on by working and doing things to occupy my time. It is somewhat working but there is one problem. At night when I go to sleep, I will automatically keep thinking about her. About things that we have done and it is killing me inside. I tried so hard to think of other things and play some games on my mobile until I tire myself out. However, once I put down the phone, she keep getting back into my mind.

I truly understand now why people committed suicide. They wanted this agony to end. I am not saying I am suicidal. I am not going to end my life for this woman. I still have my children that depends on me. I have read a lot of articles on how to end these feelings by keeping yourself busy or seeking therapy and so on.

Apart from the usual things of going for adventures yourself, what else is there?

I think that therapy is not helping as my therapies only make me realize I need to move on without her. That I have to concentrate my life on my family instead. I already know that. But how do I stop thinking about her at night when I go to bed?
- This topic was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by abubin.
April 19, 2018 at 4:19 am #203139

Anonymous
Guest

Dear abubin:

Congratulations for doing what I believe was the right thing to do, ending that relationship.

“how do I stop thinking about her at night when I go to bed?”-

My answer, at this point: do not try to not think about her. Relax your fear of thinking about her. When you think about her at night time, relax the fear attached to those thoughts. Let the thoughts be, let them come and go, come and stay. Let them be.

These thoughts are not dangerous. They are just thoughts, invisible activities in your brain. Nothing is happening outside of you when you have these thoughts.

We think all the time almost, when awake, many thousands of thoughts every day. These are just thoughts, nothing to be alarmed about.

anita

April 19, 2018 at 5:17 am #203151

Inky
Participant

Hi abubin,

Try reading. It takes more concentration than being on your phone, and you’ll tend to fall asleep before you know it! I get non-fiction books, so you can pick them up again and again and get more out of them (fiction books once you know the ending, the reading tends to be over).

That helps me.

Good Luck!

Inky

April 19, 2018 at 6:05 am #203157

Regi
Participant

Lucid dreaming, you know what that is? If not you should look it up. There is a way to be able to remember your dreams every single night. Even better, you can know when you are actually dreaming, during this dream! You will be in a state where you experience your dreams the same way you experience being awake. If you are lucid (fully awareness while dreaming) you can do WHATEVER you want. There are exercises for remembering your dreams, these exercises involve thoughts right before you go to sleep. This very rewarding since you get to remember your dream the next day. This may look stupid to you, but this is what I when I can’t sleep because of bad thoughts. Also, this will make you fall asleep faster, it makes you tired to do these exercises.

April 20, 2018 at 6:18 am #203325

abubin
Participant

I don’t get the Lucid dream part. Why is it relevant? I can’t even sleep with my brain constantly thinking about her.

April 22, 2018 at 8:56 am #203555
abubin
Participant
It’s been a week now. Still hard as hell. Sometimes I am fine when I am busy with work. Sometimes, I will just, all of a sudden be reminded of her on certain things. Wondering. I have to admit, I do not have much experience with heartbreak. Having one in such an old age, is it harder or easier? I just wonder what I would do for the rest of my life without her. I know I won’t be able to forget her. This burden will be carried with me for the rest of my life. I just want it to be easier. Not feel like a brick stacking on my heart every time I think of her.

I didn’t realize I am such a weak man, emotionally. I can face obstacles in life no problem. I never run away from problems. I am now facing this great big wall and I am not backing out. I will continue to do things that I said I am going to do. I just wonder how does people close up their heart and not let that part destroy you. Is that from practice or just comes naturally after you are hurt for many times?

Sorry I am mumbling. I just want to let out my frustrations and disappointments. I used to be a happy-go-lucky person. I lost that person in me when I got married with my wife and had kids. I didn’t miss that happy-go-lucky person because at the back of my mind, I know I need to be a responsible man.

Until Debbie came to me. She brought back the happy-go-lucky me when we started. That’s the person she fell in love with when she was infatuated with me 30 years ago. I was stupid to go into this relationship head-on. Like I said, I didn’t have much experience with love. Now that it’s over, I can’t go back being me before this bump in my life. It has ruined me forever. I don’t think I will ever love again. I don’t want to anyway at my age and with my haggard looks. I did try to pay more attention to my wife but I just can’t. The feeling is not there anymore. I know I should appreciate what we had together but it is futile. I am ruined! I am broken!
- This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by abubin.
April 22, 2018 at 9:28 am #203567

Anonymous
Guest

Dear abubin:

I think that what you miss is that “happy-go-lucky” young person you used to be, at times. You miss passion, desire, youth.

Passion, desire, youth is still in you, needing to be expressed. Find ways to do so, and your pain will ease.

anita

April 22, 2018 at 11:12 am #203591

Eliana
Participant

Hi Abubin,

I’m trying to figure out the context of this relationship. Was this an online relationship? How long were you with her? Did you see her on a daily basis? If so, I am wondering why you broke up with her via text message instead of in person. I am wondering, if the reason you are thinking about her so much Is things left unsaid, no closure..and breaking up with someone over texting..instead of in person..

April 22, 2018 at 2:40 pm #203615
abubin
Participant
Dear Eliana,

If you have time to read, you can refer to another thread where I posted about my relationship with Debbie.

My long distance affair and sad breakup

Also, I do think the relationship ended without proper care closure. She doesn’t want to talk a about intensive things. In a way, she is running away from the things that she has done in this relationship. She is a hypocrite. She says she don’t like to lie. That how this affair caused her to lie so much, it is killing her within. However, she said so many things to me that she still does not want to be responsible with anymore. In a way she lied to me.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by abubin.
April 22, 2018 at 2:52 pm #203621
abubin
Participant
Sorry.. Lots of typo above. Using my phone to reply and I can’t edit it.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by abubin.
April 22, 2018 at 6:57 pm #203635

davey boi
Participant

abubin,

In your last post, you referenced what Debbie has done: her actions and her words for example. I also read the link you posted regarding your relationship with Debbie. There are two sides to every story, but it sounds like you’ve sacrificed your own thoughts and feelings in an attempt to agree with and please Debbie.

What have you been doing for yourself and your own happiness? Do you have any hobbies or friendships you’ve been cultivating? Or do you have any activities that help you clear and organize your thoughts?

I’d like to know what you think, if you don’t mind.

April 22, 2018 at 7:33 pm #203643

abubin
Participant

Hi Davey,

You are right. I sacrificed my thoughts to please Debbie. As my therapy described it, I tried to hard to protect this bubble holding us together to from bursting. Because I know once we are together, we will have a great life together. I know I am wrong to do such a thing but I just cannot stop myself.

I have not being doing much for myself lately other than to try to forget her. I go to work as usual. I have been going back to bowling with my son. I spend a lot of time playing computer games and watching movies. I do not have many friends as I am an introvert. I started going out a little with colleagues and old friends. I used to not drink but now I drink a little. Just social drinking nothing serious.

It’s just that everything I do and everywhere I go, she pops into my mind. It is a heartache everytime this happens. I want to learn to deal with it and move on with my life.

April 23, 2018 at 5:25 pm #203791
abubin
Participant
I am super angry now! How could she place me in such low priority! I don’t deserve this. Heck, she don’t deserve the kind of treatment I gave her. I hope she continue to be treated like she always does and then she will regret for treating me like this. Angry!!!
- This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by abubin.
April 24, 2018 at 2:53 am #203835

Eliana
Participant

Hi Abubin,

I do remember this post now, and remember reading at that time with interest. I did not respond, as it would have been a late response to that thread, and you had received a lot of great advice. However, I am a bit confused, as that thread left or concluded with you thought that you knew that things with Debbie were not going to work out and you seemed fine, almost relieved of that..so now into this thread, you are experiencing a great deal of pain, anger and unable to sleep and just trying to figure things out. I thought you were okay with things being “over” with her.

In your last post, you are very angry saying she has placed you on “low priority” but in reading your prior posts from February this is how she has always treated you. I do believe she (like you mentioned) has some type of mental health issue that has not been resolved, making it impossible to give you, what she is unable. Please don’t be angry. She is in need of Psychotherapy, medication, etc..and not getting what she needs to have any type of close relationship with anyone at this time. Please don’t be angry with her. It will serve no purpose or healing on your part, and keep you stuck in this cycle of “she is good” “she is bad” thinking. It may be time to perhaps seek quality Therapy for these deep intense emotions you are experiencing.

April 24, 2018 at 5:53 pm #203937

davey boi
Participant

abubin,

I believe you when you say she’s always on your mind, no matter what you do. It must be challenging constantly remembering something you want to forget.

Connecting with other people in your life is a good way to start getting your mind off her, even if that isn’t happening yet. Have you opened up to your friends or colleagues or son about what you’ve been feeling?

As far as feeling angry, I respectfully disagree with Eliana. I imagine you don’t want to feel angry and don’t like feeling angry, but it’s how you felt then and maybe still feel now. Do you feel better having expressed your anger?

P.S. I really enjoy bowling with my dad and brother, so I think it’s a great way to spend your time, even though I’m biased.
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