I had a strange dream.

There was a ghost ship, then there was some sort of ship parade and I was watching it from a hightened bulding, kind of apathetically. The river was very stormy, with a lot of waves and the ship was swallowed by the water and then came back up again.

Then there was a big flood wave, like a tsunami or something. I was thinking about going farther up the building to be save, I think? But I didn’t. At the end I hid behind a building. But first the windows of that building burst, then the building was swept away too.. Or maybe I was just caught by the flood? But at the end of the dream I was taken away by the water, then I woke up.

Maybe this dream represents how I feel at the moment… Completely overwhelmed with life. The thing with the stealing suspicion is just the last straw. But that is not my real problem. My problem is more that I am self-hating, socially awkward, not able to assert myself and say no… That I haven’t found my place in life and am very lost… That I blame myself for everything that goes wrong and take on too much responsibility.

I think first I need to move away from here, as this environment drags me further down. Even though it is mainly in my own head. I wish I could just take my things today and move to another place.

At the moment, I feel very hopeless. I try to keep things going, go to work uni, see my best friend etc., but the feeling doesn’t go away. And I don’t get anything done. My self-depreciating thoughts are just too strong. Sometimes I thought about visiting my parents for a while to recover, but they also live far away…

I try to make it work. I try to use routines, write down my thoughts, do sports… But it doesn’t help enough… I just feel so tired.

Dear anita,

thank you for your response.

Today I was feeling a little better. Yesterday I decided to go to this mentoring thing, after I had almost canceled the program last week. I took part in the group activities and such and even though I felt stressed, it was o.K. Even though I was socially awkward, I felt accepted.

Today was also o.K.. I worked on my stuff for class for a few hours and even had a small chat with the janitor of the dormitory. Last time I saw him, he also didn’t respond when I said hello, but today it was more normal again. It made me feel better. I feel much calmer today.

But at the floor where I live I still feel awkward. I kind of feel like a bad person. But I know I am not a bad person, I just have a lot of self-improvement to do.

Yes, In my childhood I stood up for myself more. But I don’t know if I publicly rejected the religion of my parents? I told my friends about it and I also told my parents. But I still was confirmed, even though I told my parents that I didn’t want that. Once in confirmation class the pastor (I refused to get confirmed by my father) said that confirmation was a free choice and I remember this ironic feeling I got… I also took part in religion class instead of ethics class, even though after a certain age you were supposed to choose for yourself.

In my childhood I was also more included in church activities. I went to the children’s church choir and to sunday school. But after we moved to another place, I stayed out of these things, except the confirmation and religion class in school. And we also had to go to church every other week But after I got older I stopped going to church, if I remember correctly.

So I still caved to my parents wishes. I remember how I felt like my will was “raped” (a strong word, but that was really the word I used in my head for how I felt back then). In my therapy I understood better, that my feelings weren’t valued in my family. My resistance wasn’t valued and seen as a bad thing. They didn’t really talk to me or ask me about why I was not interested in religion anymore.

My therapist also said that she cannot “feel me”, that I describe everything more in a rational way, without showing feelings. And that I keep my feelings bottled in. Last week, when I almost canceled the mentoring program, I felt angry at myself and humiliated. Then I smashed a glass against the wall, also my cell phone and a shoe… It made me feel a little better, but then I regretted it again, because my neighbours probably heard it and will think even worse of me…

Yes, it seems I mostly get angry or aggressive over smaller things… But I don’t insult people or curse like in the past.

When growing up, I wanted to be confident and strong, but I felt weak. I thought being loud meant being strong, so I cursed, like some people I admired on TV.

Later, in my early twenties my thinking changed again. I wanted to not play the victim and take responsibility. Because other people’s mistakes were out of my control, I focused on my own mistakes. But I think I took it too far. I tried to be friendly and forgiving and pleasant. I also felt that I was bothering others when talking too much about my struggles. So I tried to keep these feelings to myself, because I felt that people only want to hear positive things. During that time, I also felt disconnected with people, even my friends, they didn’t mean so much to me on an emotional level? I thought things like: “they are a valuable person and I have to appreciate them” about them. Only in the past years I was able to feel a connection to people again. Now I have a best friend who accepts me with all my flaws and we can talk very openly about our problems and feelings and support each other.

But I also lost a lot of confidence when I wasn’t able to build a stable career. It made me feel terrible about myself, but I also didn’t take much action to change the situation.

Even as a child I was very insecure though, but it is true that I stood up for myself more.

Dear anita

1: Yes, I told him that I don’t want to be confirmed by him or confirmed at all and I don’t think I was afraid to tell him. I did not respect my father very much… His way of seeing the world seemed wrong and crazy to me.

2: I got my way in not being confirmed by him, but I was still confirmed, which I did not want. Maybe it’s a compromise, but not really. The very important thing, choosing my own faith, staying true to what I believe in, was not achieved. This religion was forced upon me, that’s how I felt.

3: I think they would slap me or insult me, tell me hurtful things, put me down. And I don’t know if I insulted so many other people, outside of my family? I think in school or so, I reacted differently. I remember one child calling me a freak and the teacher was shocked, but I said something like “it’s o.K.”.

4: No, I never took on that religion and felt great disdain towards it for a long time. And I wanted to be open, not wanting to see the world so black and white like my parents. I don’t know if I wanted to be like a saint, but yes, I didn’t want to be aggressive or difficult. But I surely didn’t want to be like a “good Christian”, I would have probably rolled my eyes at that. Maybe subconsciously?

Now I can see that it is not possible to be always perfect and pleasant, but back then I just thought that people don’t want to see the negative and I hid myself away more and more…

Dear anita,

I don’t know if I was never afraid of my father. During the time of the confirmation, I was already a teenager, about 14 years old. At that time, I had already disconnected from the relationship with my parents. I did not feel, like they were a good example for me. My mother was overwhelmed with the children and the household and I think hadn’t found her own path.

My father was very stubborn and judgemental. He was not able to take criticism and I, as a difficult child, posed a threat to his self esteem… My mother , I think, followed his lead. So I was seen as the bad one, or that’s how I felt.

I did not really have a relationship with my parents, they did not understand me. I did not fit into their box… And I did not trust them, I did not trust in them to tell them my feelings. Later they kind of gave up on our family… Everyone came home at a different time, to eat cold food by themselves… When I went abroad for a year after school, they didn’t even bring me to the railway station, because they had to work (they had to work, but still? I was going away from home for months for the first time…)

What was I afraid of? I was very afraid of people judging me, that I remember! As a child I felt very ugly and thought people wouldn’t like me because of that (now I feel o.K. with my looks, but am insecure about my personality).

I remember blaming my insecurities on getting bullied in school. Boys told me how ugly my face looked etc. Children threw paper balls at me… I always had the feeling of being different and not likable.

My therapist said, that this makes sense, that I sought the reason for my problems outside my family. That every child wants to be loved subconsciously… I think that I didn’t realize the gravity of my parents influence until later. Once back then (as a teenager), I talked with a friend about my insecurities. And I thought that it came from the bullying, but she believed that it had to do with my father. And I rejected the idea, even though I already disliked my father by then.

Yes, I was very afraid of judgement. And who is very judgemental? My father. He always points out the flaws of others, while not wanting to look at his own. Maybe I was afraid of him? He definitely hurt my feelings and made me feel miserable. But after some time, I wanted to break free from it. I made fun of him and insulted him, but I don’t know when this started.

But I don’t understand it myself, I am confused about my childhood. As a teenager, or maybe a little earlier I rebelled. But maybe as a child it was different? I remember, when I was maybe around 10 years old, I did see the confirmees one day. And I said to myself: I will take a break from this religion thing until I become a confirmee myself. Religion to me was like a duty, like a burden. There came lots of rules and prohibitions with it… It was very black and white from my fathers side and overly emotional (similar to evangelicals) from my mothers side. It just wasn’t my thing. My parents never were able to show me the good side of it. And it was seen as a problem, that I resisted.

But it also means, that for a time, I followed the religious christian rules like my parents. Maybe at some point, I also cared about their opinion? I cannot connect the dots myself…

What did I respect as a child? I respected my cousin, the daughter of my fathers brother (they don’t get along: while my father chose the religious route, my uncle was part of the socialist youth organisations of the GDR and married the daughter of an activist. There was always competition between them, they even compared us children).

My cousin and I lived far away, but we wrote letters to each other. I looked up to her, wanted to listen to the same music as her and watch the same movies. She also worked as an Au Pair, one year before I also worked as an Au Pair, just in a different country.

There was also my grandmother, but I also only saw her during some weeks in the summer.  She knew everything about plants and lived a simple life. My grandmother was a farmer and lived by herself in an old beautiful house after her husbands death. The holidays there are some of my happiest childhood memories. She taught me how to milk a goat, we harvested potatoes and raspberries together. We went hiking together at the nearby forests and collected mushrooms. The paths and other things had special names like “snake path” or “moonlight lake” (it was just a pool with duckweed on it, but it seemed so magical). She also had all these sayings… She called her best shoes “sunday-afternoon-take-out-shoes” or said weird things like “don’t be such a coward, let me hide behind the bushes!”. I wanted to become a farmer like her. And I still think at simple life in nature would suit me most! So yeah, writing this out I can feel how much I liked her.

I also found role models in TV shows or music groups. For example, I liked this TV show “Buffy the vampire slayer”, about a girl that was fighting against demons. Earlier I also liked Sailor Moon, where girls also fight against evil. Both shows were disliked and forbidden by my parents. By the way, I followed my parents rules more when I was younger and stopped watching Sailor Moon. But with Buffy, my cousin recorded the show for me and I watched it secretly.

And with music, I also liked strong female figures (or that’s what they appeared to me) like the Spice Girls or Destiny’s Child. They sang songs about being independent and strong….

Yes, I think my worldview was formed a lot by television and music, I was looking for role models and my parents didn’t really offer one?

Not sure if this will make more sense to you? Sometimes I get confused myself. And I realize that I am a living contradiction…

Dear marrriee,

thank you for your post, it inspired me a lot!

Deep down I already know who I want to be and what my values are. I want to work harder, be kind to people, but also stand up for myself, be honest. The person I want to be is also confident and strong. And I think that I already do have some strength in me. Also, I want to be a good friend and be there for my friends and family. The environment is also important to me.

There are also a lot of things that I like and am interested in. Too often though I get carried away by my worries and self doubt. And I also need to become more self-disciplined. I think I need to start parenting myself.

In my childhood I always dreamt of traveling the world, being an artist, exploring the world. But later I kind of lost my drive and became depressed, I think. I did not care about the things I loved so much anymore, for a long time, everything I did seem useless.

But I still have a lot of things I am interested in. I love experiencing the world in a sensual way. Smelling things (I like to stop and smell roses or lilacs), watching the world around me (today I saw a baby bunny eating daisies, it was so cute), seeing the colors of flowers… Small joys are very important to me. I love to cook and trying out new recipes, I love dancing (maybe it doesn’t look good, but that’s when I feel most like myself, most free and passionate). I am interested in learning more about other cultures. History is also something that I want to learn more about. And of course I love nature. I like to go hiking and I like plants, especially healing plants and edible ones.

Of course there is art, and I already study illustration.

I guess I just have to work harder on doing more of these things and including them into my life. It also takes some effort to do the things you love, it is too easy to get distracted by the internet and so on. But I know it will make my life better to put in that effort.

My biggest enemy is my own inner voice telling me that I will never succeed. Sometimes the thoughts get very overwhelming, but you are right, I have to work on using counter arguments. I think it will be very hard to change my way of thinking, but it would be worth it.

I can absolutely relate to you, I also tend to overthink! So doing more and worrying less would be a good motto for me.

Thanks a lot. I feel motivated now, now I have to take the next step and start doing those things.