I have never been married, so I cannot give advice on that front, but I CAN tell you how hard it is to find a great, stable relationship with someone whose company you enjoy. I’m 37 and conventionally attractive, and it’s rough out there, so I also feel like your fears are justified. Loyalty is a difficult thing to come by, especially. Have you considered going to couples counseling? Is there any way that you could maybe figure out what feeling or thing in your marriage is lacking for you and see if there is a way to bring that back into the marriage?  Could you just be bored with the relationship and/or your life?

There is a triangular theory of love, which says all relationships contain a mixture of passion, intimacy (friendship), and commitment. Do you feel like your relationship is lacking one of those things and is there a way for you to bring it into the relationship, especially if it was once there?

I’m just asking these questions because sometimes people think there is an outside fix (meaning separating and being with someone else) when the problem is really something that can be fixed by going within… but other times, people just aren’t compatible. From what you’ve described, you and your wife sound quite compatible, so I do think it’d be a good idea to consider trying some other things that haven’t been tried yet (like counseling or even just doing new, exciting things together, etc) before leaving, especially if your wife would be open to working on things as well.

Has your partner said that she wants more from the relationship, or is she happy with the way things are? If she does want more, what does she want to change?

What changes could you make to make things better for yourself, other than leaving? Would leaving give you additional freedom?

If your partner hasn’t mentioned anything, then you’re perhaps assuming what her thoughts are, rather than actually listening to what she wants. You talk about her deserving more and you can’t give her your all, but perhaps the amount you are giving is enough for her?

Obviously this is all done out of love, if you didn’t feel anything for her then you wouldn’t be here. Not everyone loves in the same way, so you consider this important.

Sit down and talk with her. Discuss how you feel, even the worst parts about it and be truthful, no matter how bad it makes you feel.

You can only move on with this stuff unless you communicate, thoughts and assumptions are not reality.

Dear Prairie light:

I think that you did the right thing for yourself and for her. I wish you didn’t suffer for ten years “stuffing (your) feeling and going on as if everything is ok”.

“She said to me ‘who says that to their partner?'”- I wonder if she is ok with you not being sexually attracted to her as long as you don’t say it?

– but you are not and haven’t been okay pretending, so congratulations for being authentic and truthful. I hope you find a compatible partner sooner than later.

anita

Dear Prairie light:

You wrote: “I had years of feeling this way toward her, and she has been unaware”- I think that she was aware but didn’t let that awareness bother her, not as  long as you participated in a sexual relationship with her.

What motivated you to compromise yourself this way, having sex with her for ten years without feeling attracted to her was guilt: “I can’t give her all of me, and she deserves that… (she is) a good person… (I) feel so guilty because (my) partner wants and deserves more….I have felt guilty for most of that time.. I feel like a horrible person”-

-she encouraged your guilt when she said to you “who says that to their partner?”- her answer is in her question: a bad person says that to their partner. I imagine she encouraged your guilt throughout the relationship (?)

You were also motivated by fear of being alone and she encouraged that fear when she told you that you “will be making ‘a huge’ mistake to leave”.

When you offered her a non sexual companionship, her response was “that it is crazy and it feels so wrong for her”- she didn’t ask you what you feel, did she? How long you felt this way… what can she do to change your lack of attraction toward her. She told you basically that you are crazy and wrong.

And she ejected your effort to find a solution to your distress of ten years without suggesting a different solution (examples, and I am only guessing, improve hygiene, lose weight, get in shape).

“Maybe I should not have said it, but it is the truth. How much truth is too much?”- for her, your true feelings are too much, your distress and discomfort is too much for her to bother with, to be concerned about.

Reads like she is not the good person you suggested that she is in your original post. A good person is not this selfish, a good person cares about the true feelings of the one she supposedly loves.

anita