Hello,
I am going through a major traumatic time and would really appreciate some advise.
What I am about to say, some people will say is my own fault for not acting and will just have to learn to live with it but I am in such a bad place at the moment I feel I might be going insane.

I had been with a girl for nearly seven years, at first we were tremendously happy and so in love, we moved in together ( I moved to her town) and got engaged,we had a fantastic intermate sex life unlike anything we both had experienced before full of tenderness and passion, and we were also best friends,but there were problems, her jealousy and insecurities would flare up quite often, which I would take as a personal attack and not really talk about properly and be worried about it happening again, I also worked shifts in another town over an hour away, which caused friction as she was quite often left home alone and lonely, despite this we were very happy and had huge love for each other.

Unknown to us until fairly recently I have struggling with a form of aspergers , a result of which is that, I don’t always think and behave as most people would, if something bothers me I don’t talk about it for fear of starting conflict and then it builds up inside until it becomes too much for me and I have a form of breakdown and run away, when it gets that bad I have no choice involved, its so overwhelming and the problem stays with me for a long time and I am unable to face communication during that time, this was after a year and a half.
After some time it passes leaving me filled with regret and devastated at the damage I have done to her.
I would have NEVER EVER chosen to leave her at any point in my life, I love her so much, she was the one, and I wanted nothing more than to be with her, get married, have kids, be part of your family and make her happy for the rest of our lives but I struggled to communicate that to her after each breakdown.

After my first breakdown we got back together but didn’t get re-engaged, I couldn’t seem to fully recommit, I was full of a lot if fear about it happening again which prevented me from seeking help and when I was with Her again I was so happy that it masked my problems and I didn’t recognise the signs until it was to late and the whole process happened again.

Even when the first notion of me having aspergers came about, my fear of it and finding out what it really meant kept me from getting diagnosed for far too long.

Every time I had a breakdown I would move back to my home town as I had no where else to go.

No words could explain the hurt and regret for what I have done to her, she a most fantastic, wonderful, caring, beautiful person and I love her with all my heart, body and soul, I could never love anyone else as much as her, she is the light of my life, and knowing I have caused her so much pain and heartbreak is soul destroying.
The amount of love she had for me was huge and she put up with more than any other person I know.

After I came out of my last breakdown, It was like a vale had been lifted from my mind and I knew that I couldn’t allow this to happen again, I had never been so determined to sort out my problems, I would fix myself and I wanted to prove to her so much that I loved her and that I would conquer my issues and give her the safety, security and love that she deserves.
She said that the only way she could be with me again was if I got a job in her home and moved there, which I was totally prepared to do.
I went to the Doctors for help and I am in the process of being assessed for the type of aspergers I have, so that I could get help and recognise the start of a breakdown and how to prevent it.
I started a therapy to learn how to deal with my emotions and than a different relationship therapy to help me recognise problems and communicate better. I started applying for jobs in the same town as her, any jobs that would pay enough to survive to start with just so that we could be together.
We would meet up and talk and I know she was very worried about being hurt again but was so pleased I was making an effort,
I finally got an interview and I was so happy….
But it was too late…….
I had hurt her so much and too much time had passed….. And the worst thing possible happened, she stopped being in love with me and found someone else.

There are just no words to explain my pain and loss, I am completely heartbroken and destroyed, I have died inside. I will never get over her, she is my soulmate.
Throughout every thing I always believed that we would pull through this and live our lives together, making each other happy, and growing old together.
The thought of her being with someone else is too much to bear.
The light has gone from my world.

I emailed and asked to meet, which she agreed to and wanting to show my commitment to her I took a ring and proposed, it was all I could do to show how committed to her, I also had a ring for me so other people could see my commitment, but she turned me down saying that she would always love me but she now had feeling for this other guy, after only a WEEK!!!! and he lives in another town which was the cause of a lot of our problems and her loneliness.

I believe that the feelings that she had for me are being deferred to this new person as she was lonely and had been hurting for so long and when he met her he showed her warmth and she latched on to it.

It kills me to know that this is all my fault and that if I had acted sooner this would have never happened and it is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

Despite all this I truly WANT her to be happy and safe, she deserves that more than anything but I can’t be her friend as I would be unable to bear news of her happiness with someone other than me, I would die all over again.

I am hurting like I have never hurt before, I don’t want to get better unless better is with her, I don’t want time to heal
unless time will bring her back, I don’t want to get over her unless it would some how reignite her love for me.

This all started two weeks ago and and when I proposed it was Tuesday, it is now Saturday early morning I am a total mess, I cant sleep even on very strong sleeping pills,I cant eat unless I’m about to fall over, I have been signed off work by my doctor and prescribed beta blockers as my heart is racing all the time , my mind is going crazy thinking about what they are doing together, she did say that she hasn’t slept with him but its only a matter of time, especially as it now the weekend and they are bound to be with each other, I cant bear the thought that she could be with someone else the way she was with me, giving him the feelings she once had for me.

I feel like I have destroyed my future and everything seems pointless now.

I have been crying non stop and last night started talking to myself and started shaking all over, I managed to pass out for two hours but the moment I wake it all begins again I feel like I’m going insane.