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Posts by Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others do the same. She recently created the Breaking Barriers to Self-Care eCourse to help people overcome internal blocks to meeting their needs—so they can feel their best, be their best, and live their best possible life. If you’re ready to start thriving instead of merely surviving, you can learn more and get instant access here.

Lori Deschene's Website

Tiny Wisdom: Judging by First Impressions

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“When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” -Wayne Dyer

The other day, I reached out to someone I admire, and felt disappointed by the experience. I perceived her response to be somewhat curt and even condescending, which surprised me. Based on my earnest enthusiasm and admiration—and what I thought I knew about her—I expected more.

For a minute I thought, “She’s not who I thought she was at all.”

While this was clearly a lesson in releasing expectations, it also got me thinking about (what I call) the judgment/assumption principle: when we judge someone based …

Tiny Wisdom: When Good Times Come to an End

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“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” -Dr. Seuss

The other night, I saw Jersey Boys, the play that chronicles Frankie Valli’s rise to fame with the band The Four Seasons. I wasn’t previously familiar with the group’s story, so I was even more enthralled by the journey that led them to international success–particularly because they had so many catchy songs that I’ve known and loved for years.

In the second act, there’s a scene when the other members all decide they want out, despite the years they struggled to reach that level of success. It’s a …

Tiny Wisdom: How We Pit People Against Us

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“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer

I’ve read a lot of articles about achieving your dreams and creating the life you want. There is a common message that always creates a disconnect in me: Many otherwise empowering articles lose me when the authors suggest we should “tune out our haters.”

This seems to imply that there are people out there who want us to fail–who purposely act hateful with the intention of pulling us down.

I know the world is a lot simpler when we view things in black and white terms–good and …

Tiny Wisdom: Learning to Be Alone

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“If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone.” -Maxwell Maltz

I’ve written a lot about letting other people in. As a recovering loner, this has been a huge issue in my life, but everything is about balance. As much as we need to nurture our relationships with other people, we need to nurture our relationships with ourselves.

It’s only when we’re fully comfortable being alone that we’re able to be comfortable with other people.

As a society, we tend to look at being alone as something sad and pitiable. Songs like “One is the Loneliest Number” and …

Tiny Wisdom: Knowing What You Stand For

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“Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something.” -Henry David Thoreau

An old friend of mine used to say she hated when people pushed their causes on her. She saw this as pestering and judgment–that she somehow wasn’t good enough because she ate meat, or didn’t help preserve endangered species, or didn’t send money to starving children in third-world countries.

She later told me that she felt disconnected from it all because she hadn’t found something that really moved her personally. Whenever someone told her about a fundraiser, she realized that she didn’t have an intrinsic motivation …

Tiny Wisdom: Why We’re Not Honest with Friends

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“An honest answer is the sign of true friendship.” -Proverb

Have you ever had a lengthy conversation with someone without acknowledging a single thing you were really thinking or feeling?

Maybe someone asked, “How are you?” And, instinctively, you said, “Fine.” Or someone asked, “What’s new?” And your knee-jerk response was, “Not much.” Or someone asked your opinion, and you glossed over what you really think to avoid making waves.

I suspect we do this because we don’t want to burden people with what’s really on our minds, open ourselves up to judgment, or somehow upset them.

The end result …

Tiny Wisdom: When You Don’t Feel Like Being Patient

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“Patience is passion tamed.” -Lyman Abbott

Running a site about wisdom can be an exercise in massive irony when you don’t feel like applying what you’ve learned. For me, this is most relevant when it comes to patience.

For the past three months, I’ve been planning a new feature for this site, and I’ve devoted a lot of my time, energy, and resources to creating it.

Since I am not a designer or coder, much of this has little to do with me. It’s simply a matter of paying people, communicating my vision, offering feedback as they work on it, …

Tiny Wisdom: When Things Feel out of Control

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“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” -Charles Swindoll

“I can’t wait to leave LA. Seriously, we should consider moving within a year.”

I said this to my boyfriend as we were sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic a few streets away from our apartment, anticipating at least 10 more minutes of chaos. All around us, drivers were weaving in and out of lanes, honking at each other, and, in some cases, hurling swears at each other. Despite just meditating, I felt agitated.

Since we moved here just recently so my boyfriend can pursue film, …

Tiny Wisdom: How You Know You’re on the Right Track

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“If you are never scared, embarrassed, or hurt, it means you never take chances.” -Julia Soul

If you think you may have made mistakes, you are probably on the right track. That means you’re doing things even though you’re not perfect at them, which is the only way to learn and grow.

If you think you may have looked stupid, you are probably on the right track. That means you’re letting yourself be vulnerable, which is the only way to fully experience something new.

If you think you may have said the wrong thing, you are probably on the right …

Tiny Wisdom: On Being Bold When You’re Scared

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“Begin, be bold, and venture to be wise.” -Horace

Have you ever heard the phrase “Feel the fear and do it anyway”? The first time I heard this, I immediately thought, “How?” How exactly do you push yourself to do something when everything in your body tells you not to do it?

If I practiced blind allegiance to corporate slogans, I might tell myself to “just do it.” But I’ve noticed that this is not sufficient for me. What helps me is to understand and chip away at the mental barriers in my way.

It’s only when we break down …

Tiny Wisdom: On Being Happy with What You Have

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“Until you make peace with who you are, you will never be content with what you have.” -Doris Mortman

When I was a little girl, before I learned to question myself or my abilities, I decided that one day I would have it all.

I imagined I’d be a famous actress, I’d marry the man of my dreams, and we’d have and adopt lots of children that we’d take around the world, à la Brad and Angelina.

As I got older and allowed my failures to chisel away at my self-confidence, I slowly stopped believing I could have anything I …

Tiny Wisdom: It’s Not All About You

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“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” -Miguel Ruiz

Years back, in a group therapy circle, I met a man who provided an interesting definition for paranoia: It’s when you’re sitting in the bleachers at a football game, watching the players in a huddle, convinced they’re talking about you.

While I’ve never suspected professional athletes were secretly laughing at me between plays, I have taken responsibility for a lot of things that likely had nothing to do with me.

Just recently, I emailed a friend of mine from …

Tiny Wisdom: On the Power of Attention

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“Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention.” -Jim Rohn

We all get busy. We have responsibilities to meet. We have coworkers and superiors expecting things from us. We have ambitions and goals, things we want to improve in ourselves and our lives. I suspect that underneath it all, what we really want is to make a difference for other people.

And yet, ironically, in that pursuit, we often fail to make a difference for the people we know and love.

My mother gets out of work every day between 6:00 and 7:00, …

Tiny Wisdom: When Beliefs Are Not Facts

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“The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.” -Pema Chodron

Most people have areas where they’re willing to accept new information and others where they just won’t budge.

An overweight friend of mine used to believe she needed a relationship to be happy, but that no one could love someone her size. She also believed she was too mentally weak to stick to a diet. The sum of her beliefs: She was stuck in a situation she couldn’t change, and, therefore, would always be alone–and as a consequence, unhappy.

Because she believed all those …

Tiny Wisdom: On Making Peace with Time

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“Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” -Joan Borysenko

The other day, as I approached the street I needed to cross to visit the Coffee Bean near my apartment, I noticed there were only 5 seconds left on the walk signal. Instinctively, I ran. With a laptop. And a purse. In the heat. And why?

If I missed the walk signal, there would be another one in a little over a minute. The president wasn’t waiting on me with lattes getting cold. And there wasn’t a baby in the middle of the road who needed …

Tiny Wisdom: On Being Honest in Relationships

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“Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.” ~Unknown

The other day, a friend told me how his previous relationship fell apart. His girlfriend failed to disclose a major resentment based on a misconception, and instead initiated a series of arguments over little things until their relationship eventually collapsed under the weight of all that confrontation.

I explained how I practice radical honesty with my boyfriend. Essentially, I disclose everything I think and feel about him that I have trouble resolving in my head, knowing full well most of it has more to do …

Tiny Wisdom: On Letting Go of Painful Stories

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“The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that.” -Eckhart Tolle

Today I read that Elizabeth Smart, who was kidnapped in 2002, is going to join ABC as a correspondent, covering missing persons.

In case you haven’t followed this case, Elizabeth was only 14 when Brian David Mitchell abducted her from her Salt Lake City home. Her parents had previously hired the homeless man for a day’s work, something they did often to help people who were down on their luck. And yet for nine months he …

Tiny Wisdom: On Creating Beautiful Moments

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“Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

The other day, I was looking through friends’ Facebook albums–and by friends, I mean teenage cousins, readers I’ve yet to meet, and acquaintances from high school.

It all started so innocently, clicking on a recently added photo on my wall, and before I knew it, I was knee-deep in the lives of people I rarely see, have never seen, or haven’t seen in years.

There were, of course, hundreds of photos of each person in different exciting destinations–kind like that garden gnome that shows up in pictures from …

51 Things That Will Make You Smile

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Some days, it’s easy to smile. You wake up to the sounds of birds chirping, with the warm glow of the morning sun cradling your face. You take several deep, cleansing breaths standing beneath a perfectly cascading shower, just before drawing a smiley face on the steamed-up glass with your index finger.

Your roommate or significant other makes your coffee, just the way you like it. You hit every traffic light. You sing to your favorite tunes. And you arrive at work refreshed, excited, and anxious to create and collaborate.

But not every day starts this way. Sometimes you wake …

Tiny Wisdom: How Criticism Helps You Excel

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“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” -Aristotle

No matter what you’re trying to do, someone somewhere has a harsh opinion.

Maybe it’s a virtual stranger. Since the advent of the Internet, people can easily vent their judgments behind a cloak of anonymity. Most of the world’s successful people have a Google trail laced with negativity.

Or maybe it’s someone who’s supposed to have faith in you—your father doubts your aptitude for the legal profession, or your friend thinks your singing belongs in the shower.

Either way, it hurts. And you may …