“Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.” ~Sonya Parker
Hearing this word probably makes you think of not being good enough or not reaching certain standards. As unpleasant as it is, rejection is part of life, and my life is no exception.
From being the last to be chosen to join the volleyball team to receiving a college admissions response in the dreaded “thin envelope,” I quickly learned that not everybody thought the highest of me.
As years went by and I took on more risks, I invited more rejection into my life. The boy I crushed on for months only wanted to be friends. Another candidate was selected for my dream job. Many literary agents thought my manuscript wasn’t a good fit for them.
And eventually, I endured the ultimate form of rejection: The man who promised to be by my side till “death do us part” changed his mind.
One of the most famous statements by renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow is that self-actualizers are “independent of the good opinion of other people.”
Even though so many of us have heard Maslow’s or a similar statement, rejection continues to bring up our most negative emotions. We feel ashamed and inadequate, and wonder whether something is seriously wrong with us.
A recent social research study shows that the same regions of the brain that become active during painful sensory experiences are also activated when we experience social rejection.
Rejection literally hurts.
What to do? How do we lessen the pain? How do we join the ranks of Maslow’s self-actualizers?
Here is what I’ve learned.
Rejection is negative judgment manifested, and judgment is subjective by nature.
This means you can decide to interpret rejection as evidence of someone’s perception rather than as evidence of your flawed nature.
The area rug that is beautiful to your best friend might be hideous to you, and that’s okay. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but an opinion doesn’t determine whether a rug is truly pretty or ugly. The rug just is.
The same principle applies to opinions about everything else, including people’s opinions about you.
People who reject you are the minority.
Estimate how many people you’ve met in your entire life. Count the number of people who have severely rejected you. Divide the second number by the first, and you’ll see how the result rarely exceeds 1%.
Is 1% significant? If you only drink 1% milk, you feel your diet is healthful because after all, 1% milk fat is almost nothing, correct?
I’ve met thousands of people throughout my life, and even though I have received a fair deal of moderate rejection, only a couple of people have rejected me in such a way that seriously challenged my self-identity.
Bottom line, extreme rejection is usually the exception.
The intensity of your negative emotions will depend on the degree of attention you place on the rejection.
You can be aware of the unpleasant experience, but if you don’t focus on it, you’ll take away its power.
Place your attention on the positive feedback and support you receive from others. Being consciously aware of the people who have encouraged you will allow you to align with high-energy emotions and positive situations.
Rejection can be an instrument for learning and growth.
Although rejection is subjective, you could decide to use the experience as an opportunity to contemplate your current behaviors, and determine ways to grow and become a better person.
Rejection from potential employers became my motivation to review my resume and enroll in professional development courses.
The feedback I received from literary agents propelled me to bring my writing craft to the next level.
My husband’s decision to leave our marriage moved me to help others going through a similar situation.
Rejection is a sign you’re experiencing life to the fullest.
Chances are, if you had chosen to hide under the covers and had not pursued the friendship, career, contest, or relationship, you wouldn’t have experienced rejection.
But you wouldn’t have completely experienced life either.
Learn to see rejection as proof that you’re brave enough to take on risks and to participate in the wide realm of experiences available on this planet. Feel empowered by what you have accomplished.
The only approval that truly matters is your self-approval.
Your self-love and respect for your uniqueness will trump the negative emotions brought up by rejection.
Once you’re conscious of your magnificence, rejection will lose its power.
You might not feel happy about being rejected, but you will bounce back quickly.
Most importantly, you’ll continue embracing life, pursuing your truth, and focusing on the many gifts in your past, present, and future.
About Cloris Kylie Stock
Cloris Kylie, marketing MBA, shows entrepreneurs how to create a strong marketing foundation and connect with influencers to grow a magnificent business. The bestselling author of Beyond Influencer Marketing and the host of "Beyond Influencer Marketing Podcast," she has been featured on network television, top-ranked podcasts, and YouTube shows and websites with millions of followers. Get her guide to connect with influencers at cloriskylie.com/influencer.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Great post, Cloris. Very informative with empowering advice. I have witnessed rejection trigger psychosis, addiction, and suicide in individuals. Yet, as you stated, the experience can be an opportunity to reflect, grow, and become a better person. Thank you.
Very true. We love addicts know that “rejection is the beginning of obsession”. How we handle rejection is key to so much of what life hands out. I have felt suicidal since my breakup last month. But I”m getting past it.
Glad to hear you’re getting past the suicidal ideation, requin. Suffering can empower us to cultivate compassion for ourselves and others.
Thank you so much for your comment, Bill! It means a lot to know that someone who has witnessed the damaging effects of rejection found the article helpful. Please connect with me through my website or social media.
Bill, I hadn’t seen your very nice comment until now! A year ago! Sorry I didn’t get to say thank you until now, but I’m very happy to hear you enjoyed the article.
Nice to hear from you, Cloris. Your note motivated me to re-read your post and to be inspired again. Be Well. _/_
Oh, great to hear, Bill! Best wishes to you!
Thank you. Very timely. My beloved boyfriend of one year broke us up a month ago and I have been a mess. I’m 52..he’s 54..he promised we’d be together the rest of our lives. Surprise surprise, he’s an avoidant. Your comment that rejection literally hurts was fascinating…because it sure does. Worst pain I have yet felt in my life.
But I’ve come a long way already from the support of friends and blogs like this. Thanks.
I’m so glad to hear the article was timely and helpful. Continue seeking new sources of support. I’ve written other articles that might be helpful to you (they’re all on my website.) My book might be helpful too. Stay in touch…Sending you love.
Have know a previous co-worker for 17 years now; we have been friends, intimate and yet very distant ~ in over 17 years never spent the weekend together; took a trip, etc. . . I felt he was the love of my life; now I’m asking myself REALLY?
Marilyn, thank you for sharing your experience. After going through a fair deal of challenges, I always start by saying that I am my first love, and go from there. I would ask myself what I need to experience more closeness and express this need. All the best to you, and I invite you to connect with me through my site or social media.
After the last “rounds of rejection” from him; I am officially calling it quites and realize I should have a very very long time ago. . . sad, huh? We had the initimate closeness, major chemistry, could talk for hours, etc. . . but, whenever I have asked him to join me on occasions always “no”; and of course I always heard about all his adventures but, never invited; yep 17 years of it. . . wow, i am shocked at myself!
Marilyn, I’m glad to hear you made a decision. It’s easy to feel regret/anger about the time you feel you wasted–I felt the same. But remember that now, because of this experience, you know what you don’t want in life and can focus on manifesting what you do want.
no don’t feel anything but, yet another round of deep depression from his rejection; on-going for 17 years now. . . i’ll spring out of it??? don’t understand y I put up with it for so long. . . it’s a very long story, ended my marriage (which was abusive) & this guy always had another or two or more partners (which, just now realized is a form of abuse); had major health issues 5 years in and then another one 7 years in; I was always there for him; he was for me too for awhile but, then this year I asked if I was the female friend he had known the longest and he said no, there were other’s he was still in contact with that he had known longer than me. . . Interesting fact for me ~ was never good enough for my ex-abusive husband either. . . at age 50 now, yep, sadly, i’m pretty much done and over with it all. . .
Marilyn, this is a tough time for you, so be gentle and kind to yourself. In a few weeks I’m going to release a list of resources for my blog subscribers, which will include the most powerful books I’ve found through my years of research. Make sure you download it. In the meantime, read “Ask and It Is Given” by Esther Hicks. I think this book will really help you for future relationships. Lots of love.
Very insightful. Thank you for sharing. One thing that did make me shake my head- you wrote that you suffered the ultimate kind of rejection. That is subjective. Just because you experienced something, it doesn’t make your experience the ultimate of anything. There is always someone else, who has been dealt a more difficult hand and can offer you their insight.
Melissa, you bring up a very interesting point. I can picture really difficult situations that might seem the ultimate form of rejection to those who went through them. This is why it’s so awesome to have this forum; so we can share our own experiences and help each other open our minds. Stay in touch through my website or social media!
Beautiful. Pulled at my heart very much. I love the quote.
“People who reject you are the minority.”
Such a great way to re-frame events. That’s what I’m learning most from meditation and mindfulness. Pain and crisis will come, but will we choose growth or despair? We have to continually go back to the contentment that already lies within us and enjoy the blessings that we do have.
That was also my favorite quote from this. Such a simple yet powerful reminder.
Thank you, Mallie. All the best to you, and stay in touch as well 🙂
Beautifully said! Thank you so much for reading. Please stay in touch by joining my online community or connecting through social media!
Thank you for this. This resonated with me. I had an casting today and I have no idea what the outcome will be, however all I can be is myself. So I figure if they reject me then well that is their loss not mine, as when it comes to life, not everyone is going to like you so just keep going.
Thank you for your comment, Talya! I’m happy to hear the article resonated with you. Best wishes on the casting call! Visualize yourself succeeding, and if this specific opportunity isn’t offered to you, there’ll be an ever better opportunity waiting for you. Please stay in touch by joining my online community or connecting with me through social media. All the best!
Yes, the only approval you need is your self-approval, so true. I wish I had that information when I was at my lowest point. I now bless the event that put me on the path to healing and positively changing my life.
Isn’t it amazing, Gretta, how our perspective changes when we actually experience the old adage of “there’s a blessing in every challenge”? This was something I heard my entire life, but I only knew it when I experienced it. All the best to you, and please stay in touch! Would love to have you join my online community.
What great insight. The rejection by my husband made me work harder both on my job and my own personal life.This has opened new doors for me and I have discovered that I had a lot of talents
My life couldn’t be much more better. Am enjoying every bit of it
THanks Cloris, although we can’t do anything about who will reject us and when, you remind us that what we do upon being rejected is entirely up to us. We can learn from it, grow from it, take action from or ignore it altogether. Instead of worrying about who rejects us, self love and self acceptance I’ve noticed is the true key to making rejection lose it’s power.
Very well said, Vishnu! Thank you very much for your comment, and stay in touch by joining my site or connecting with me through social media. Blessings.
wonderful. thank you!
Thank you, Sondra, for reading the article! Stay in touch! 🙂
Thank you for this acticle, it gave me food for thought. I wonder though ; what if the rejections really isn’t the minority? What if it is more than 1%? What if almost everyone would say the rug is ugly? Cant we then conclude that the rug is indeed ugly? I don’t want to be negative, but I do think for some people this can be the reality.. How would you advice those people?
Thank you for the comment, Lisa, and for the thought-provoking questions. The rug being “ugly” or “pretty” is a matter of judgment. Our subconscious mind has been loaded with programs from the day we were born, and these programs determine our perception. This is why to be truly free we must become independent of the good opinion of other people, and remember that things (and people) are not good or bad, they just exist. I would add that if we perceive rejection by the majority of people around us, it must be that we’re placing all of our attention on the rejection itself. As a result, we are attracting more rejection into our life. Hope this helps! If you haven’t done so, connect with me by joining my online community. Many blessings.
Excellent
Emily, thank you! Hope we can connect through my site or social media! 🙂
This kind of helps me but it also kind of doesn’t. It helps because I realize that I need to become a self-actualizer. The real problem is that I just don’t know how to do this. I get rejected all the time. It gets to a point where it’s less about their perception of me and more of what’s really wrong with me…
Thank you for sharing your feelings…First, if you feel there is something about your behavior that you need to change for yourself (not for the people who reject you) you can start working on the changes starting today. Become aware of your thoughts and actions, and change the way you react to things. It’s a process that might take some time, but it’s possible, so focus on this fact. Connect with me by subscribing to my website. I’ll release a series of videos soon that might be helpful to you. Blessings.
People who reject me are not the minority in my life, unfortunately.
Kitty, this can change…Actually you can change it. Associate yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. I’m sending you all the best. Hope you stay in touch.
“The intensity of your negative emotions will depend on the degree of attention you place on the rejection”
This helped.
“You can be aware of the unpleasant experience, but if you don’t focus on it, you’ll take away its power.” <<I have to work on this.
I’m very glad to hear it helped. I really appreciate your comment!
Any tips on how to remove the focus from the rejection? Especially when it eats away at your brain?
I would not think about removing the focus from the rejection because this actually makes it worse. When a thought about it comes to mind, accept it and then place your attention on something that makes you feel better about yourself or your life (even if it’s not related at all.) Be patient. This could take a while. But as time goes by, you’ll find yourself spending less and less time thinking about what happened. All the best to you!
This article is definitely one of the best I have read yet. My entire life, I have always been the one to reject guys. One came into my life a few months ago and he was out within a month explaining, “What we had wasn’t good enough.” For weeks, I put myself down thinking what did I do wrong? How was I not good enough for this man? I put myself out there and was supportive, caring and compassionate and I was left with rejection. I have now come to the conclusion that I am no longer going to mentally beat myself up for something that is out of my control. Some people will love you and some will not and that is life and I’m perfectly okay with that. Thanks again for the amazing article.
Learn to see rejection as proof that you’re brave enough to take on risks and to participate in the wide realm of experiences available on this planet. Thanks this really helped me to put recent rejection into perspective. i was taking a risk and now I will continue to do so 🙂 Risk=Vulnerability.
Thank you so much! Yes, sometimes I have to remind myself of this truth. I’m very happy to hear the article helped, and I hope you stay in touch via my site or social media 🙂
Wow, It is so true that you have discussed the positive part of rejection. WE HAVE TAKEN THE RISK OF DOING SOMETHING AND REJECTION IS AN OUTCOME to be taken in a positive way!!! Great blog!
Thank you for reading the article and for your comment! Yes, there is a positive side to everything in life. Hope you connect with me via my site or social media!
It is true I would’ve never gotten rejected if j didn’t take risk so thank you for that. I have to get out and live but I’m hurting right now, I just wish I could get over it.
wow. i am from brasil, met a guy online and follow in love, just to rejected latter, i never met the guy, and thought it would be possible. lesson leaned. when i get better i will tell my story but i am too hurt do it.
Thank you for this wonderful article. I went on a date yesterday, and after 25 minutes the guy told me he didn’t like me and wanted to go home. I started wondering all the things that could be wrong with me. It hurts, but I am going to use this experience to grow. I try to see every negative experience as a teacher.
Great attitude, Serena! It’s great that you only wasted 25 minutes of your precious time with someone who didn’t deserve it. I wish you all the best! Stay in touch via FB or Twitter or join my community at cloriskylie.com 🙂
This doesn’t exactly help. If friendship is harder to obtain for others (like myself), how can this change? Either people are too busy, treat me like a ghost, or just don’t want me there. While I can do to make the best of it, it’s a pattern I don’t enjoy.
I do what I can, but it’s hard to feel close to others when everything seems chaotic. I try to put myself out there, but it seems difficult. I’ve tried church, meetups, and volunteering for things.
I totally agree and am in the same position….we just aren’t meant to be in a relationship.. It’s OK, don’t dwell on it and just accept it.. I was rejected after I was sure all the right signals were given, even asked my mates to confirm…. In the end there wasn’t any attraction.. This is why I just buy a hooker.. Takes away the rejection, you get what you want without hassle, and it’s cheaper in the long run.. Downside, expect to be lonely!
Guys, thank you for reading the article. I see you’ve been hurt deeply…but don’t let these negative experiences dictate what you do or achieve in the future. Your life is precious–enjoy every second!
I have this problem also. Join in on things..new tennis groups..ask people to the movies..coffee..list goes on and on. There’s always a reason..even if its genuine (and I known it is)..they never get back to me. I leave things for weeks..don’t hound people hoping they invit me to hang out. Then I start the cycle again..by asking a friend out. My husband said he can be my friend..but I want some girl time. How should I think about this?
Your story is exactly my life also!! Believe me you are not alone in this situation!!
Regards, Brigitte 🙁
A great article… You’re right it’s perhaps only 1% of people who reject us. Sadly though it tends to be the people who we care for, share ourselves and give to the most. Makes the pain that much more intense.
Thank you for reading the article! I see your point…But do you realize that you can decide how much power you give to people? When you feel pain, say “I don’t want to be bound by what other people do or say.” That’s what I do, and it works–at least it makes things better. Remember, we’re so free that we can choose bondage.
Thanks for this post. I found it really useful and …a kind of relief.
Thank you for reading it, Beatriz! I’m glad you found it useful–that’s why I wrote it 🙂 All the best to you!
I just saw your comment, Beatriz. Thank you for your comment–I hope you’re doing well 🙂
Thank you for writing this. When you said “people who reject you are in the minority” I had to laugh at myself and end this one week, pity party I’ve been having for myself. Your words made everything so clear.
Kerry, I’m so happy to hear the article helped! It’s not worth it to spend our precious time and energy on the few people who’ve rejected us. Let them go and focus on those who support you! All the best to you!
The only thing I didn’t like about this article (sorry to sound negative) is when you said “Although rejection is subjective, you could decide to use the experience as an opportunity to contemplate your current behaviors, and determine ways to grow and become a better person.” I think we don’t become better persons and don’t need to, but we can improve upon behaviors and habits. Just a thought… Our lives aren’t really self-improvement projects as much as we are experiencing our own humanity and all of these emotions, lessons, feelings, thoughts, etc are part of living. But, we will suffer less if we can have more compassion for ourselves and try to stay in the moment as much as possible.
Thank you for your feedback, Robyn! I see your point, and I agree that having compassion for ourselves is paramount. All the best to you!
Rejection can come in many ways. For years now I’ve been struggling to make friends. I’m not physically unattractive but I have this weird psychological disorder due to which my brain thinks too fast and sometimes I stutter when I speak , which makes people think I’m dumb! Even though the level of my IQ is well above the IQ of an average Indian. Also sometimes I would say something that would come off as a very bizzare thing to say and people would simply assume that I’m stupid. It only happens rarely since I’m very much capable of holding long interesting conversation with both male and female. I was very attractive as a teenager and still am at the age of 25 but I’ve been struggling to get into a genuine relationship. Like I’ve had many beautiful girls hitting on me , even stalking me at some places i went to but then when I would talk to them over phone or in person I would say something totally weird or random and they would think I have meat for brain. It sucks because I know I’m not stupid and it only happens when I’m too excited.its some sort of psychological disorder , idk what it exactly is though. What would be your advice on handling something like this? I try very hard to not let it happen but when it does , it ruins all my hard work. 🙁
Thank you for reading my article and sharing your story, Saurav. All I can say is: when you start to feel bad about being rejected, try to switch your attention to something else, or take every interaction with someone as an “experiment.” If you look at things from an outsider’s perspective, what used to be awful becomes “interesting.” I’m sure you’re full of love and have a ton of value to give to those around you. The right person will arrive when the time is right. All the best to you!
That’s some solid advice! Actually i have tried this experiment thing you just mentioned and it does reduce the pain of rejection since then i can immediately focus my attention on meeting new people and try not to repeat the same errors i made the last time. but then it kinda sucks to be weird or have a weird sense of humor lol. sometimes people try and take advantage of you because they know that you’re too kind and honest to them. ” The right person will arrive when the time is right” yeah, but that person better not be a gold digger haha. Thanks Cloris! <3
I’m happy to help, Saurav! 🙂
When I get nervous I can’t find the right words
I was rejected by my best friend along with another friend. Any suggestion on how to overcome rejection? P.S I am in high school.
All I can say about rejection I wrote in this article, Harsha. Focus on surrounding yourself with good people who are true friends. All the best!
I am so grateful for this article. Recently I was rejected by a close friend when I told her of my plans to move my family and I to another state.
I was really hurt because I am always supportive of her even when I do not fancy her ideas about things. I think it hurt more because her words were very attacking, not the I am just concerned about you conversation. I have not really spoken to her since, except once.
Back to the article…what stood out was when you said, (paraphrasing) that with risk, there may be some level of rejection. I thought this was spot on, as ironically I find this individual almost never takes a risk. So I am thinking maybe she is not comfortable with me taking a risk, out of her own fears.
Just a thought…
Ps- this doesn’t excuse the behavior 🙂
-Be Blessed
Thank you for sharing your experience! Yes, it’s best to not try to overthink why your friend might have done what she did. Just move on….Best of luck with this new adventure in your life!
So this was written years ago. Some things never lose their value. Just like this article.
I have realised that love just doesn’t fit in my life. I guess life’s a bitch and then you die I suppose.22 year’s old and not even male role model in my life. After my dad died it seemed that my happiness went with it I’ve become plain and dull even though it’s a sad story about me, I’m not looking for sympathy nor empathy I just want to express myself and my thought. My life is basic a good stapled family nice big house 2 friends and myself. For what it’s worth it wasn’t enough I feel as if I’m trapped even though some days are good, I feel like contained like I’m not myself in a way. Most of the time I have to put on act to show that I’m happy but I’m not ,my family thinks I’m just spoiled and happy and bubbly but I’m not I’m the total opposite of everything they think I am and who they want me to be. Sometimes I feel like no one listens or understands me like the whole world against me in some way. I’m so trapped that I want to escape and be free somehow but from what [Rejection] rejection has followed me my whole life never been accepted to anything but to my own little adventures.in school I was hardly asked out anywhere had little friend and that was mostly it never invited nowhere, even my own family doesn’t even invite me to places that they’re going to and if they do its mostly because there’s no one there to look after me like am a burden to them and too add insult no one tell me anything in my Immediate family like birthday parties or outings I’m all ways the last to know then it’s too late for me to do anything about it, rejection In my life has cast me like a shadow I wish people would notice me and appreciate what I do but what I do is never good enough for anyone it’s like I am invisible to everyone and only visible to people when they need a favour and I’m tired of this shit I’m sick of being the outcast the duff the third wheel the sidekick the side chick the meg I’m fully fucking done with everyone I know because no one appreciates me for me. And as for my love life is as romantic as a dead half eaten slug on top of a pile of shit.Any guy in the world had not fucking interest in me my age it always some creepy old man in the late fifty’s want to talk to me I’m I that ugly that rock bottom that some more than twice my age wants to be with me romantically. Every time this happens to me I feel very degrading of myself every low sometimes I think to myself maybe I should just go out with an old creepy bastard at least someone noticed right? I had three crushes one in primary school and a family friend son we could be together because he lived in America with his dad. My third crush was in college I was so mentally in love with this guy I couldn’t even think. He bluntly ignores me it’s not the causal of maybe he doesn’t see you around college that much No he pretty much does sat next to for 6 months didn’t even peep a word to me and to add more cruelty we even get on the same train together when college finishes and still no even a word at the train station he either just stares at me or just near but nothing else as if he would rather speak to brick wall than me. I’ve read all these types of articles on how to make friend and how get guy to like for months but I have realised life not a fairy tales and unfortunately dream just don’t come true and as unlucky as I am I have no luck at anything I tried all these dumb and stupid ideas convinced its good to work and for unlucky people like I’m telling you from now don’t do none of them it’s all bullshit I tried the smiley the quick hey how’s it going joining clubs activity centres festivals online dating and guess where I am still at ground zero with the pile of shit everything that live for is a joke and that my life is one big joke I’m soo tried of it I started not to care about consequence’s and just break rules because no gives a flying fuck hey I probably might die alone I have come to terms with it I fully give up on life that I’ve become sour and bitter about everything I do I’m a lost angry soul and there’s nothing I can do or anyone else to do about it and I accept it to the fullest I learned though my whole experience is to let it go and forget about even how bad life fucked things up for you just have to suck it up and keep on going care about you think about you. I just take care of myself even though I’m alone I learned not to care I go to the cinema by myself got to restaurant by myself and trips and it doesn’t bother me anymore that no one wants to spend time with me it just how it is and just move one is the key. And that’s how my life is and I just wanted to share it.
Everything you wrote makes sense. But at the same time losing is losing. Rejection when it comes to love has very little to do with the person who’s ” Rejecting” and all to do with whom is being rejected. I feel even if you overcome, be the best you truly can be it would not change the outcome or redeem yourself one bit. You failed a test you can never retake. There are certain things you cant change or improve upon the contributed to the rejection. I have not learned how to move on but that doesn’t make my words make any less sense. What do you do when its out of your control. How do you gain stregnth from defeat in that situation.
Why do you assume someone has only been rejected a couple of times? It makes the article a bit pointless to read for someone who actually has been repeatedly rejected their whole life….
Exactly same position
What is clear to me is that many people enjoy rejection as a daily activity and it enriches their own lives. This is taught and promoted by many systems including schools and churches.
I asked a girl I had a massive crush on out…and she blew me off..I had built up so much excitement around her.It hurts less because I asked her out after I met other more interested possibilities…and having met a very nice girl, who I last saw a couple of years ago..and hitting it off literally hours after being rejected ,I can afford not to be fixated on my rejection.In a way I did it in order to focus on those who were giving me attention.In a way I am relieved though it still sucks…I am glad I did it……The sheer volume of literature available on the internet is evidence that REJECTION is painful…NOT TRYING is even MORE painful….I have learned not to perseverate over women, building up expectations will make you fall hard….but those are NECESSARY risks to take……after being rejected via email..i simply said Thanks …and Best regards….i am DONE..hopefully next time i bump into her I will just treat her like just any ordinary person ….I OWE it to myself to behave like she is not special..and engage with those who give me the time of day….she will soon be completely erased….
I had the best date of my life with a guy (I am guy too). Though we met on grndr our profile was clearly ‘no hookups, but friends’. I liked the guy from the beginning of the chat itself (met on Fri). He was discreet, no xxx pics, but funny flirtation and he did his best to meet me. When he stopped by my place I was over joyed to see a handsome kid and charming. But that’s not what stole my heart. We went to dinner and drinks and I was mesmerized by his jokes, laughs, giggles, we had a very good time. We had foreplay (he said he doesn’t have sex on first date) and we laughed while watching ourselves standing in front of mirror, skin red with bites and kisses.
I was in state of euphoria. Again, not because he’s hot ass, but he made me feel utterly good about myself. I got subtle comments that I never got before.
And then he mentioned that he heard me talking about my ex several times and suggested that I should go back to my ex. Until then I didn’t realize I talked about my ex (it was in context of college, vacation, work …) and he didn’t talk anything about his personal life.
I was the one constantly chatting.
When I wanted to cuddle (because I really liked this guy) he shoved me away saying that I need to ‘earn’ that. He said cuddling for him is intimacy and he doesn’t do that at this point. And I said for me ‘kissing’ is intimacy and I only do with few I feel connected to.
Anyway he promised to meet on Mon. That was the longest weekend ever I had.
On mon he told me in a public place that I was a hot guy but he can’t date someone not over their ex yet. I was very eagerly waiting to meet him and for hot night and I couldn’t believe my ears. I was in shock and almost in tears. There was no point in explaining that I am infact over with my ex, because it would look very desperate and begging.
I however said that I kissed very guys in my life and he’s one of these and kissing touches my heart and soul. He said ‘sorry’. I then told him how I imagined long relationship and vacations with him, he said ‘sorry’ (I later realized how stupid I was to think of vacation/relationship based on first date).
He said I was innocent and when I date more I will lose the innocence.
After the first encounter I only imagined what it would be sleeping with him be like. Sex is great, but making love to someone you love and you feel lucky, it’s totally different. And that’s what I was looking for. Not hookup but be emotionally and physically coupled when making love. But my day dreams were shattered! I felt worthless.
Having said that, I am not at all angry at this kid (he’s 5 years younger). I am impressed how well he handled, met me and told me as politely as possible why this wouldn’t work for him. It was hard for me because I liked him to my soul.
Within few hours I text him that I can’t fall for the wrong guy, that I am in love with him, I am thankful for the one night, blah, blah… I also said it was nice the way he talked.
(I knew I shouldn’t contact after breakup but I couldn’t. I later felt bad about the way I texted.
While I don’t blame the kid (31years old) at all, it still hurts to the core being rejected by someone you had the best date and were day dreaming.
I clearly have not much dating experience. This taught me lesson, in a very hard way ofcourse that you keep your emotions in check, don’t talk about your ex and then be prepared for any outcome.
No matter how much I try to occupy myself, keep busy, the vivid memories of the date night make me more and more sad. It’s almost like I am not worthy enough of such happy times. I met few guys before and had hookups but none of them treated me or made me feel this great.
Now, this kid could have simply shunned me or be rude. He did try to give closure.
My first instinct is to tell him how much I got from him (joy) and that I can’t be happy without him, blah, blah…. But it doesn’t work. We can’t make anyone like us.
The most important point is that the guy who rejected me probably had hard time telling that on my face. The more I whine about losing him, the harder it will be on him. And he doesn’t deserve that, especially when he has been upfront, honest, clear and polite.
Just because things didn’t go over way doesn’t mean the other person is incorrect.
While I realize all these, those vivid memories keep me very sad and insecure. I wished I didn’t had a heart to feel any emotion, never to fall in love. I am only hoping that time heal my wounds quickly and find a guy who can love me back equally.
I am trying to be thankful to the kid who gave me a lot (non-sexual) and this will help me grow as a person. I have no anger or disappointment on him. If any, it’s sense of shame on how I let my emotions out and acted very immature and my own folly (seriously, talk about ex on first date?)
I understand that we tend to magnify every small action, laugh, body language of the guy we are impressed with and worship them, being blind to their flaws. I might have eventually found something that upsets about him (for example snapping at cuddle).
Sometimes I wish I found first why it’s incompatible and rejected him (not to make him sad, but not have to go thru rejection myself) but this is also a good lesson for me (again, the hardest way) that not to take things for granted.
Sometimes, I wonder if he honest in his reasons on rejecting me. But again I guess no reason/closure will make me happy. If he was no honest, maybe because to make it as least painful as possible for me.
This guy is certainly not who’s cruel or cheap.
I lost interest in dating again, it’s the fear. But I have to go out (when ready), someone somewhere might like the way I am and I feel equally good too.
When I was with the guy, that was the best day of my life, I can’t remember being more happy in my life. When he “rejected” me, that was the worse day, I still can’t believe.
“Rejection” is a strong word here since he only said said our waves don’t match after our first date. I feel so ashamed to be all over him, especially when he didn’t share any of his personal stuff (past, present) and I acted like fool and lost a great potential. Worse, I gave him the power to reject me. Why do I feel so embarassed when he has every right to reject me if he thinks we are incompatible? Again, ‘reject’ is a strong word, if taken from his perspective. We didn’t invest any times, resources or energy, we didn’t even had any relationship (except for one date night).
is it normal to feel this awful on first date itself? I feel as bad as being rejected after 50 years of marriage!
Why doesn’t my mind stay focused on work and studies when I badly need to? Why do I keep looking for assurances when I know it’s all in my head and I should control it? Why do I keep longing for something that can’t be mine? Why do I hate myself so much for being so kiddish? Why don’t I like myself anymore? What’s wrong with me? Few days, understandable. It’s been 2 weeks since the only date night and I still have those vivid memories haunting me. On the day of breakup I deleted all text and pictures, but when I walk thru the street we walked by, my tears roll down.
In fact the first week I cried 3 times, I didn’t cry in years.
I feel so ashamed of showing my vulnerability to the kid. That comes out as if I have low self esteem. omg, I wish I never had that date, it makes me feel worse and worse. Everytime I think it’s getting better, I get setback.
I should let it go.
Wow! Those are the exact emotions I went through with a man I’m a female though. We had the most magical 1st date almost 2 years ago. I’ve never got it out of my head even to this very day. We had PDA during the day and I’ve never felt so wanted and connected to any man ever in my life. (I’m53, he’s 42. Anyways, from that moment I was completely OBSESSED with him.I knew it was crazy to feel that way from one date, but I cannot explain it. We hooked up 5 times since that day and I got more and more attached everytime. We never even dated, but I texted him every day gushing our all of my life’s story, trauma and all. I couldn’t stop! It freaked him out and even told me a few times I was stalking him by texting too much.Several times he said he was going to block me and get a restraining order. To make a long story short, he never blocked or filed restraining order, but he read thousands if my texts over the course of almost 2 years. He ended up saying that he only wanted sex, but why the hell did he spend so much time reading all of my texts? I am convinced he has a sexual self-esteem issue, (lots of sexual text teasing me and never following through for 2-3 month periods). Very strange! The whole thing came to a very ugly ending a week ago when we viciously called each other every mean , cruel and nasty words on the planet! It was so tragically horrible !!! To this day, I have no idea why the whole thing happened, but I’ve been so heartbroken to the point of insanity since that 1st daye!!! WTF???
Before I started practicing self-compassion, I would beat myself up over being rejected by a potential romantic partner. As I do more self-love and focus on the good of it (like moving on and finding someone better, learning about myself and situations) I find myself to be less sad and it is easier for me to move on. I haven’t cried over the last few guys that have rejected me. I saw it is an opportunity to find the right person. I am/was sad, but I am not as emotional about it as I used to be even if I am attached or somewhat attached to the person. amazing what focusing on the positive and yourself can do!!!
Thk u for this post. It really helps. I exprience rejection at work from a few people who are very close friends. One person in perticular does this all the time. She just ignores me. I feel hurt and she knows it and so knows how to hurt me. But i am learning not to be effect by her behaiviour.
Yes, one step at a time, Saajida. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Thank You So Deeply Much! I was dumped by my ex 2 weeks ago. One before too n if I looked back in of life of 27 years…all the guy I liked or loved never liked nor loved me back! I started to believe something is teribnly wrong with me, yet at the same time…I learnt to understand life a little more n myself each time. Funny enough even so called numbers of learning I have had over the years…this one relationship devastated me! As everything was perfect n I was so happy n finally felt love for the first time. Reading this..gives me hope! TA
Great to hear that, Susanti! Wishing you all the best!
A pretty good article, but comparing 1% milk to a person who you love is a titanic false equivalency. You’re merely acknowledging the numbers, not the effect. Just saying.
I’ve recently gone through this same thing. I’m in my 30’s, and after going through a really bad time in my life, earlier this year I met the most amazing girl. She made me so incredibly happy and made me realise what I had been missing all my life. She said she loved me and was looking forward to spending a lifetime together. I adored her. She was my world, my everything, as she made life worthwhile, the first time I’ve ever felt that, the first girl to make me feel this way. Then suddenly, she went cold on me and ended it. I was devastated. In some ways, I still am even though it’s been 4 months since that horrible day when my life began to unravel. She’s since met someone else, which made things even harder for me. I feel like I’m just drifting through life again. The feeling of rejection, and the feeling of being worthless is awful. I try so hard to move on, and not let it occupy my mind and not let it be about my inadequacies or flaws, but I really struggle. I’ve read so many websites and self help quotes etc, which helps initially, very shortly, but I end up falling back into sorrow and heartache. There are times when my chest actually hurts. I feel like some of us are just destined to be alone, or face rejection in life and that’s just the way it is. I just wish I knew why. I just want to be happy again, as it was the greatest time of my life. How can I try and stay positive and optimistic and not let these negative feelings affect me so much?
I’ve just gone through the same, and the pain is physical as well as mental, it really is. I was due to prepare for a whole new life in another country, it’s astounding how another person can say everything that makes you feel they know you so deeply & so quickly. But, I’ve been through this same thing several times, and at 50 now the only difference was the lady had said @treat every day as it may be your last’… but then in an instant, stopped talking in any way, but still uses social media to send odd messages – some people just enjoy hurting us.
The main thing is, I know from the past, this will end, I will (we all do) eventually get past it, but it’s very important to distance yourself from bad things as much as you can. Don’t visit places you did, remove a persons phone details, hide or throw away gifts. Anything physical that reminds you? remove it, you need to heal and having reminders is like strapping yourself to a post with elastic – you’ll not get away, eventually you’ll be pulled back.
I know nothing can fix it. But I do understand, we can feel we really would give our own life to another, and they couldn’t care less. But you will get through it, we all will, just give it time. We all live in hope, but don’t, move on, break that hold, stop carrying that weight on your own shoulders.
Very best of luck !! To anybody in pain.
Thank you Phil. I appreciate your kind words a lot. Hopefully as time goes on, the feelings I have for her will lessen.
Thank you. I am blessed by this. I was thinking about the number of people around me (me included) who deny rejection and behold reading this reaffirms my believe we all need to accept rejection in order for rejection to accept us as unique.
Loved this. 4 years later and your article still.makes a difference. Thank you.
I liked a guy in a past and i even tried talking to him but he didn’t liked me approaching him nor he liked that i told him i like him.Some where i have feelings for him and i know that he doesn’t like me.He is happy in his life.He must be in relationship with someone but i am some where disappointed by this rejection and i am not able to come out of it.Its been 8 years i still like him but i know very well he doesn’t like me & nothing can be done.My age has come where everyone is telling me to get married.Please help me that how should i forget him completely and move on from this one sided liking and rejection.I am somewhere depressed due to this situation.
Thank you Cloris … very positive, constructive and boosting; and most importantly, it originates from your own experience about rejection. I was really impressed by your blog; just to note, rejection always hurt and could last for years (depending on the situation), but as you mentioned, it is our self-respect and self-love, adding to it some optimism (by not generalizing and internalizing the misfortune of rejection), which will help us to overcome rejection.
Hi Cloris,
I enjoyed reading your article because it puts rejection in a better perspective. Another thing that I love to do is to write down 20 advantages of experiencing this rejection and use it as a fuel to challenge myself to be better at what I do. I feel that every adversity lies a seed of greater or equal benefit. It depends on how we look at it.
Regards,
Edmund
Well-said, Edmund! Thank you for sharing what you do. I can imagine it’s great to reread the list after some time has passed and reflect on how much you’ve grown. Hope you stay in touch by joining my community or connecting through social media.
Lately, I fell fo one after another women so very quickly and lastly all of them rejected me.Your article made me realized that I had done a most terrible mistake to a women at my first arranged meeting.I had highlight her not good looking appearance. The pain of rejection is one of the worst feeling.And left me wondering if I could get over it.I had prayed and cried that I can have strengh to really let go of her but later I still find myself contacting her by any means.This lead to more rejection.
Love the article I’m trying to help my Uncle deal with rejection I think this will help
I was just fired recently and need a new life work being 59 it seems I need to work for myself in my desired work of acting and music . I can’t get paid the way I was. I need to be recovering myself as my job tore me down with reviews and plans that were never favourable to me. yet now I fear the rejection of my work because its a foolish child dream of being a performer. sharing stories and songs. I fear the economics I fear the work being rejected and its not even here yet…yet I feel I need it to reclaim myself. the person I thought I would be.i need to answer the rejection notices in my life with a sorry I have to move on notification.
Just what I wanted.