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anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
I am truly grateful for your support. I feel incredibly fortunate and deeply thankful for you. 🙏😊❤️❤️❤️
Anita
anitaParticipantDear WeebFloppa:
You asked, “Is it not possible for this to work out somehow and for my feelings toward her to grow?… Are you sure I should just leave with honesty and clarity, then begin a journey of healing?”-
No, I’m not sure—especially after reading your most recent post.
You shared about two women: your “current girlfriend” and your “past ‘love'”. You wrote, “At the beginning of our months-long relationship, my girlfriend and I were still thinking about our past loves. She apparently stopped thinking about her ex after getting with me, but I couldn’t match that performance… My past ‘love’ was just someone I had talked to, not a relationship, and it’s true it took a great deal of effort to stop thinking about her. But I haven’t been thinking about her for some months now and thought that now I can be all in with my girlfriend.”-
Perhaps you were able to feel love for your past love because there was no relationship, and now, in a committed relationship, you feel emotionally numb.
You describe feeling deeply for someone you only talked to, yet becoming numb in your actual relationship. This could indicate that distance allows you to feel emotions more freely, while closeness triggers emotional shutdown.
Maybe your experience suggests avoidant tendencies, where intimacy in a real relationship feels suffocating or emotionally inaccessible, while distant, unattached connections feel safer and more fulfilling. You described your relationship as exhausting and a chore, which suggests that intimacy feels more like an obligation than a natural connection..?
This numbness may not be just about your girlfriend—it may be a deeper pattern of avoidance in relationships. Avoidant tendencies often stem from growing up with emotionally distant caregivers, harsh criticism, or overbearing, controlling parents who micromanaged their children’s lives, leaving them feeling trapped or suffocated.
I’d really like to hear your thoughts on this. Does any of it resonate with you?
Anita
anitaParticipantDear With Feathers,
I’m really glad you reached out. I’ll take the time to read and reply when I can—likely in a day or two. In the meantime, please take good care of yourself.
Anita
anitaParticipantJust over 4 hours ago, Israel attacked Iran’s nuclear and ballistic rocket sites.
Iran has threatened to destroy Israel for over 4 decades. Iran is expected to retaliate. All flights to and from Israel’s Ben Gurion airport have been cancelled. All passengers removed from the airport. All schools closed. All residents told to stay inside their apartments, close to safe rooms (reinforced security rooms built into homes and buildings to protect residents from missile attacks, bomb blasts, and chemical threats). No shopping, no activity outdoors, for as long as it takes.
Iran may be sending ballistic rockets directly into Israel, and/ or through its proxies in Lebanon, Yaman, Gaza… but most likely, directly from Iran.
Now, thing is, on a very personal level: I was born in Israel and throughout my youth, living there, there were always threats to DESTROY Israel. There were terrorist attacks within and wars without. I remember the sirens.
Now, because of technology- Iran has been getting close to thoroughly destroying Israel. Iran’s rulers certainly have the desire and the growing capabilities.
But back to the personal level, truly- the threats that scared me most were my own mother’s threats to kill me, or as she phrased it, to “MURDER” me.
Within the attacked, Israel- the country- there was my personal attacker, my mother.
It still.. bamboozles me.. a mother threatening to MURDER her own daughter, repeatedly.
Unforgivable.
I mean.. Alessa, your experience comes to mind, your bio mother’s threats. I am so very sorry, Alessa, that you went through something similar.
It’s difficult to process this. How do you get over your own mother expressing homicidal ideation in regard to.. you, her own daughter, WHICH SO HAPPENS TO HAVE BEEN.. ME?
This realization right here, right now, may put an ending to any love I have ever had for her.
I mean, if you are reading this, how do you respond to a person threatening to MURDER you? How do you emotionally regulate this threat?
I am at this point, I think, of letting go of any love for my mother. I would excuse and forgive a lot, except for her repeating threat to.. quote, her words: “I WILL MURDER YOU!”
Case closed. May you rest in peace, “mother”, not a mother. Shame on you! No excuses. Case Closed!
It’s 9:33 pm here. it’s still light outside. I am anxious about what news I’ll be reading about Israel in about 6-8 hours from now, when I am awake again.
Anita
anitaParticipantDear WeebFloppa:
You’re caught between knowing that leaving might be the healthiest choice and fearing the finality of losing her and the love she’s given you. Here’s the thing—love isn’t something you force, no matter how much you want it to work. You wanted to grow deep feelings for her, you tried, but something in you just didn’t meet her in the same place. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed, and it doesn’t mean she’s unworthy of love—it just means something fundamental isn’t clicking. And it sounds like you’ve already realized that staying is not solving the problem.
It’s understandable that leaving feels cruel, but staying in a relationship that doesn’t feel right—out of guilt or fear—only prolongs the pain for both of you. It keeps her hoping for something you aren’t able to give, and it keeps you in a place of emotional numbness instead of moving toward something that could bring real connection.
The kindest thing you can do—for her and for yourself—is to be honest. If your heart isn’t in it, let her go with love and respect, so you both have the chance to heal and find something truly fulfilling. It won’t be easy, but sometimes the hardest choices are the ones that free us.
Whatever you decide, I hope you give yourself permission to choose what feels most honest, not what feels safest.
Again, choose what feels most honest, not what feels safest.
You deserve clarity, and so does she. Sending you strength as you figure this out.
Anita
June 12, 2025 at 6:35 pm in reply to: Struggling to Heal from Past Hurts in My Marriage – Advice? #446790anitaParticipantDear Genesis:
I really appreciate you sharing your story so openly. That takes a lot of courage, and it’s clear you’re deeply self-aware and committed to understanding your emotions. That alone speaks to your resilience and strength.
From what you’ve described, your husband’s actions suggest avoidant attachment tendencies, meaning he may struggle with emotional closeness and create distance in relationships—even unintentionally. Some patterns I noticed:
* Avoidant attachment – Pulling away and sending mixed signals, like breaking things off early on, hesitating about marriage, and avoiding difficult conversations.
* Fear of losing autonomy – He may associate commitment with losing independence, which leads to emotional distancing.
* Low emotional awareness – His delayed emotional connection and attraction suggest difficulties recognizing and expressing emotions in a way that feels secure.
* Conflict avoidance – Concealing major decisions, like his stance on having kids or financial losses, may be his way of avoiding confrontation.
That said, I also see so much strength in you:
* You’re emotionally insightful, able to process and articulate complex feelings with clarity.
* You’re committed to healing, taking active steps through journaling, communication, and couples counseling.
* You practice empathy, acknowledging your husband’s good qualities even in the midst of your pain.
* You show resilience, navigating difficult emotions rather than shutting down.
At the same time, I hear the challenges you’re facing, and they’re deeply valid:
* Erosion of trust – Being blindsided multiple times makes it hard to feel secure.
* Self-esteem wounds – Moments when you felt undesired or deceived have left lasting emotional scars.
* Uncertainty about moving forward – You’re unsure whether healing within this relationship is truly possible, which adds to feeling stuck.
* Fear of continued deception – Since he’s concealed things before, trusting him fully is a struggle.
* Dependence on external validation – It seems like his words and actions have shaped a lot of your pain, making it all the more important to rebuild self-worth from within, independent of how he treats you.
Therapy could be really beneficial for him, especially attachment-based or trauma-informed therapy. It could help him develop emotional awareness, improve communication, and work through his avoidance patterns.
For you, the most important question might be: What do you need in order to feel truly seen, valued, and emotionally safe? Your healing matters just as much as his growth, and only you can decide if this relationship gives you the trust and security you deserve.
If I were in your shoes, I’d need to see sincere motivation from him to heal—not just words or apologies, but real action toward growth. Unless he’s genuinely committed to addressing what’s troubling him and becoming emotionally available for a trustworthy relationship, I’d have to let go. A relationship can only thrive when both people are actively working toward security and trust, and you deserve that certainty.
I know this isn’t easy, but I believe in your ability to find the path that’s best for you. You deserve clarity, peace, and emotional security—whatever that looks like for you. Sending you warmth and support. ❤️
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter, Alessa and Everyone:
I hear you, peter—our digital world definitely reinforces that tendency, and navigating it with discernment is more important than ever.
Alessa, thank you for taking the time to share so much in one post. I definitely don’t feel alone in my long messages now! ❤️, and I really appreciate your support.
Your thoughts on kindness in dark moments really resonate. It’s when we need it the most but also when it’s hardest to give.
Parenting sounds like an ongoing lesson in letting go, in ways that are both beautiful and unpredictable.
The Paris analogy is such a thoughtful way of looking at perspectives—we all experience things differently, but together they form a whole.
Spiritual growth and personal identity shift at different stages in life, shaped by both circumstances and inner reflection.
Expressing fear is tough, but I see how it connects with opening up to other emotions. Thank you for recognizing my journey with anger—I appreciate your faith in me. ❤️
Your words always give me a lot to think about, and I’m grateful for that.
Anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Bella?
June 12, 2025 at 1:27 pm in reply to: I’m married and feeling guilty over an interaction with another man #446782anitaParticipantHow are you, Heather?
anitaParticipantYou don’t need to respond, Ben—especially not to the long posts above (maybe too long). I’m just thinking about you, hoping that there’s less alienation and abandonment in your life now, and more connection and support than before.
Anita
anitaParticipantConcerned about you, me. How are you doing???
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
🙂 Indeed!
You said, “Sadly, the digital age, especially with algorithm-driven platforms, reinforces and amplifies our tendency to either-or, all-or-nothing, binary thinking.”
Binary thinking existed long before personal computers. The habit of “Like” or “Dislike,” approve or reject, this or that—was part of human interaction long before it became a click of the keyboard. Personally, I don’t see more of it now than before, probably because the only digital platform I’m familiar with is Tiny Buddha.
But I’ve read (AI tells me so) that social media, search engines, and recommendation algorithms reinforce existing beliefs rather than encourage complexity. The fast-paced nature of online interactions encourages quick judgments, reducing the space for reflection. While binary thinking has always been present, the digital age has intensified and reinforced it, making it more dominant in everyday decision-making.
“LOL – I implied an ‘either-or’ when it’s going to be both.”—it would be impossible for anyone (even those who practice mindfulness, philosophy, and critical thinking) to never engage in binary thinking. Human cognition naturally categorizes and simplifies complex information into manageable parts, and in many contexts, binary thinking is useful.
“Skillful discernment—something we will all need to develop. I hope society will be up to the task.”—I’m not optimistic about where society is headed, but then… I never was.
“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”—She had space in her heart to ponder. Many people don’t have that kind of space, whether due to distraction or hardship.
I’m glad I do now. It’s a great relief, considering how things used to be for me.
Anita
anitaParticipantTalking about Budhhism, I want to summarize what I read in Budding Buddhist. com/ Anger in Buddhism:
Buddhism teaches that anger arises from ignorance—our inability to see the true nature of reality. It is considered a cause of suffering, fueling hatred, conflict, and destruction. The Buddha warned that unchecked anger leads to negative karma, manifesting in harmful actions like deceit, aggression, and harsh speech.
How can anger be overcome? The Buddha advised conquering anger with non-anger. Instead of fighting fire with fire, one must counter it with metta (loving-kindness)—a conscious effort to cultivate patience, compassion, and understanding. Over time, practicing mindfulness and redirecting anger toward kindness makes it easier to manage emotions.
Instead of expecting external circumstances to change, Buddhism emphasizes inner transformation—learning to control reactions rather than seeking control over the outside world. When anger escalates between individuals, a vicious cycle of harm is created. The way to break this cycle is through awareness and intentional kindness—replacing anger with compassion and creating space for peace rather than conflict.
My thoughts: the above does not imply that anger is inherently bad or that it should be eliminated—instead, it reflects the Buddhist perspective that anger is a powerful energy that can lead to suffering if left unchecked. Buddhism does not advocate for suppressing or erasing anger but rather for transforming it into something constructive, like patience, wisdom, or compassion.
The focus is on how anger is managed, rather than labeling it as purely negative. The idea of “conquering anger with non-anger” suggests redirecting anger in a way that prevents harm, not denying or rejecting it altogether.
About redirecting anger through thought reframing, examples: (1) Instead of thinking “This person is disrespecting me!”, try “They might be struggling with something I don’t see.” (2) Anger narrows focus, making us react impulsively. Asking “What else could be true here?”—helps replace hostility with curiosity, (3) Anger creates tension in the body. Slowing down, breathing deeply, and observing the emotion without acting on it helps regain control.
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa and Everyone:
I appreciate what you said about suppression and avoidance being natural reactions to trauma. These aren’t failures or weaknesses—they’re survival instincts, ways the mind protects itself when emotions become overwhelming.
Temporarily suppressing or avoiding distress can help someone function, stay safe, or regain control. But when these coping mechanisms turn into permanent habits, they can block emotional healing, preventing growth, connection, and deeper understanding.
In moderation, suppression and avoidance can help regulate emotions in difficult moments. But too much suppression can lead to emotional numbness, while too much avoidance can keep people from facing important truths. For example, if someone constantly avoids difficult conversations, they may never address deep issues, leaving misunderstandings unresolved. Or if someone constantly avoids self-reflection, they may never recognize destructive patterns in their behavior or making meaningful changes.
I’m glad affirmations are helping you navigate underlying negative beliefs, and I look forward to hearing more when you continue. 💛
Anita
anitaParticipantFor crying out loud, I have no idea how the above happened (a resubmission of my last post of last night). For the record I am back to he computer sober this Thursday morning! (And the birds are back too)
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