Dear Lulu:

I am so sorry, Lulu, that your sister’s cancer is now at stage 4, and that understandably, you are in much pain.

You ended your today’s post (Oct 27, 2024) with: “I feel so stuck. I wish, more than anything, I could heal her. I wish I could do it all over again, I wish I could accept it more easily. The only thing I can do is cry, hold her and record. It’s all I have. I’m not certain I’ll ever be ok ever again.“-

– You expressed above how much you wish that you could heal her. You may not be able to heal her, but you can help her. On May 1 this year, five months and 26 days ago, you wrote (I am adding the boldface feature selectively here): “A large part of me wants to go into the psychology field to learn my place in the world both socially and mentally, and to explore a side of myself that I find uncomfortable or disconnected so that I could help others.”

Helping others is a high value for you, something that you are passionate about. Let this passion keep you strong and determined to live and help yourself and others.

“She’s always been a leader, not a follower… She’s an artist… She’s a perfectionist. She spent hours practicing her curves until it was perfect, and threw away so many art pieces and drawings because they ‘weren’t good enough’… She was a straight-A student throughout middle school… She was always surrounded by her friends… She doesn’t complain; she always makes the best of things… always spoke her mind… Above all else, though, she’s always been my best friend… I was always the writer, and she was the artist.. My sister is so strong… She always tries to do the right thing“-

– I notice how at times you refer to her in the past tense. I notice your great love for her. Your great love for her is never going to be in the past tense, is it. Fueled by your love for her, make some of your sister’s ways be your ways: be more of a leader, less of a follower. Make the best of things.. best you can. Speak your mind more often. Be a best friend to others. Continue to be the writer, the talented writer that you are. Be strong. Continue to try to do the right thing.

Here is a poem that appeared first in Dec 1934, close to 90 years ago, in its original version (under the title Immortality): “Do not stand at my grave and weep- I am not there; I do not sleep.- I am a thousand winds that blow.- I am the diamond glints on snow.- I am the sunlight on ripened grain.- I am the gentle autumn rain.- When you awaken in the morning’s hush- I am the swift uplifting rush- Of quiet birds in circled flight.- I am the soft stars that shine at night.- Do not stand at my grave and cry;- I am not there. I did not die.”

It’s good to read from you again, Lulu, 2 months and 25 days since you posted last (Aug 2, 2024). I would like to read from you again and again. It’s a privilege to read your heart-felt, talented and insightful posts.

anita

Dear Nik:

Having read all that you shared, this is what I understand happened, and please correct me in places where I didn’t understand correctly:

In 2020 & 2021, you didn’t date anyone following a decision to be celibate. In 2023- 2024 you dated women. In July 2024, you moved to San Francisco to further your career. There, you met a man, “a tech leader—handsome, athletic, blue eyes, seemingly perfect“, and dated him for seven weeks, “going on romantic dates like Broadway shows, dinner by the water… He never pressured me for sex, and I really thought we were building something special“.

And then he ghosted you, “It was like everything we’d shared disappeared overnight. I was devastated… suddenly, it was over without a word. I felt emotionally gutted“.

At that vulnerable state, your 7-year mentor, who was interested in you romantically while you were not interested in him romantically, introduced you to his associate (for career purposes), an engineer who owns a makerspace. You understood that his associate was “the best engineer in the city and they build robots/laser… soon to be worth millions“.

His associate was not a man you were attracted to in any way, other than his career- related capabilities and potential. He pressured you to be his girlfriend, and you agreed. The two of you started a company together, and, although you had your own place, you lived mostly with him in his makerspace, which had a bathroom and a very simple kitchen, but no shower. There you lived without basic self-care, working together on projects.

One night, after a long day of work, the two of you got drunk and had sex. “He told me he couldn’t use condoms, and in my vulnerable state, I didn’t resist“. Next, he talked about babies with you, telling you that at 26, you are running out of time, pressured you to act like a wife by cleaning the makerspace, doing his laundry and cooking for him. But when you asked him to help you with your rent at your own place, he refused, saying, ‘That’s wifey privileges. If we were married, I’d help.“. As the two of you “were having unprotected sex regularly“, he talked about getting you pregnant, telling you, “‘If you got pregnant, I’d just marry you’… all while refusing to offer real support for my basic needs“.

After all was said and done, you lost your decision to be celibate, you lost your 7-year mentor because you got romantically- physically involved with his associate, you didn’t benefit financially from all the work you did in the makerspace, and you don’t know if you are pregnant or not (true to 15 hours ago when you submitted your original post). As I understand it, the relationship with the associate is over, you are out of his makerspace and back to your own place (or perhaps the relationship is not completely over..?)

“I gave up my celibacy, my mentor, and my independence for this man. Now, he’s still working on his projects while I’m left picking up the pieces. He told me ‘… I’m not handing you money so forget it’ after unprotected sex planning a baby… How do I even begin to recover from this?… Any advice or support would be appreciated. I don’t even know where to begin.”- I would begin with treating yourself with empathy at this time of loss and distress.

You need care and best that you will be the one caring for yourself at this time.

When you are calmer, you can learn from these experiences best you can, and make better choices in the future. With better choices, these losses may pave your way to success. If you would like to discuss with me all that you can learn from your recent experiences, please let me know.

anita

Dear New Member:

I started this thread on May 9, 2016, about a year after I joined tiny buddha (May 2015).  In the seven pages of this thread, I appear as Anonymous because I deleted my account back in Feb 2023, and returned to the forums, under a new account, back in Aug 2023. (I sign out every post with my first name, so it’s me throughout these pages).

If you are a new member, or an old member who hasn’t posted for a while, reading this, please post again and tell me: how are you?

anita

Dear Helcat:

Good news on the sleeping front: I woke up early, but not too early (about 6:30 am), there is evidence that I was up last night, but I don’t remember being up. This means that for the first time in too many months, I didn’t lie awake thinking, or not long-enough to remember. I wish this to happen again and again.

I am glad you liked the song. I wish I was skillful at singing because I love to sing.

“You don’t have to not bring things up for my comfort…“- I would rather respond to what you bring up in regard to any topic that may be distressing for you. And, I would rather respond- not with questions and exploration efforts, as in trying to look into things and understand better- but with simple emotional support.

Thank you for your kind words, and you are welcome!

“On the whole, it was good to have a week where we only had one minor disagreement. My nervous system recovered a little and I do feel a bit calmer. I do hope that things continue to improve.“- I hope so too, one week at a time, one day, sometimes one moment at a time.

anita

Dear Calm Moon:

“1.  I decided to completely reduce my communication with her at the start of the new year. I am looking for new positions to reduce my interaction to zero“- excellent decision and initiative!

“2. First few days I was sleeping whole day. She eats up my energy which is already at the minimum“- avoiding and minimizing interactions with people who eat up your energy is a sensible, health-promoting strategy.

“3…. I am so grateful, you can’t imagine. I think I might start a new thread on another topic“- you are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation. I am looking forward to your new thread. Please continue to take a good care of yourself!

anita

Good night, dear Helcat, I hope we both sleep well tonight. Thank you for this message ❤️

anita

* or is what I was thinking of saying or doing,