Dear Alessa:

You are very welcome and thank you for your empathy and kindness 😊

Yesterday, on my walk with Bogart, after submitting the long message to you in this thread, I planned on writing more to you about a victim’s empathy for his/ her perpetrator of abuse, a topic you brought again today.

Imagine, Alessa, a court trial where a person is judged to have severely abused a child and then empathy is expressed in the courthouse- in the presence of the child- for both the perpetrator and the child.

That would be so wrong. In the context of abuse, it is the victim alone who deserves empathy. The perpetrator deserves none.

The perpetrator deserves empathy for the time before and separated from the abuse, a time when he or she was truly a victim.

And so, I do feel empathy for my mother in regard to the times she was a victim, before she abused me and others, but I don’t dwell on it because I have been her victim for many years.

In the context of me and her, I am the one who deserves empathy, not her.

I too feel the abuse in my body every hour of every day in the form of somatic tension, holding my breath and tics, both motor and vocal. So, you see, I am not free from her abuse. Freer than before, but not free.

I deserve my own empathy. The perpetrator does not deserve my empathy.

I hope that other people who have not been her victims 🙏 have empathy for her. I pray for her to experience as little physical and mental pain as possible.

I was focused on her most of my life, like you, I loved her and hated her at the same time. And I felt so much empathy for her, I often drowned in it. Empathy for her hindered my healing.

And so, whenever I feel empathy for her, I don’t fight it, on one hand, but I avoid drowning in it by redirecting my empathy from going her wat to going my way.

In the context of my mother and me, neither her nor me felt empathy for me. Time to change that 😌

🤍🙏✨️ Anita

Dear Robi:

I tend to send posts that are too long and have too much in them, and I think I did that with you many times.

I understand your girlfriend’s concern that you’ll move back to Warsaw only for a few months.

I wonder how your coaching session go?

I think that staying in one place for long makes you feel trapped like you did in the storage room and in your parents’ workplace and in that vacationing house 🏠

You need space, a place where you feel safe to be and become, express and explore.. to maximize the computer screen of your soul (referring to you minimizing it when in the storage room).

None of this is your fault, Robi, you were not offered the minimal a child needs.

🤍 Anita

Hey Laura:

Nice photo. Well, it wasn’t terrible. We are all human beings 6and therefore we make mistakes. Even he does (the 21 year-old navy guy).

If he’s reasonable, he’ll understand. You can give him a.. coupan good for one little lie he can tell you sometime 😉

✨️ Anita

Dear Emma:

About the video link you tried to send me, that’s okay, I don’t like watching informational videos (it stresses me, part of ADHD).

It’s not at all your fault for reacting as you did to your father’s crisis or judgment regarding your taste in music. His comment was not the first of its kind but part of a pattern where you were not allowed a safe place to express your likes, dislikes, opinions, etc.

I don’t think he is likely to change this pattern and I wouldn’t try to make him understand, if I was you. He is set in his ways.

But you still need a safe place to be and become, a place where you can express and explore your thoughts, feelings, preferences, needs, wants, all without gear of criticism 😔 and judgment.

🤍✨️🤍 Love, Anita

(If you need private communication over public, you are welcome to give me an email address and I’ll respond to you there)

Hello Sonia 😊

You are welcome and thank you for being the kind person that you are!

Congrats 👏 for the progress you’re making in spite of the guilt feelings. Setting boundaries is a healthy behavior 👌 and part of your ongoing healing ✨️ no matter what Mr. Guilt is telling you 😊

🤍👏👌 Anita

Dear LeenBee:

Most troubling to me is his pattern of disproportionate anger and aggression toward others. He picks fights, becomes verbally aggressive, frightens other tenants, and then blames others for his outbursts, refusing accountability.

His kind of “nice sometimes, scary other times” behavior makes people like you feel guilty for pulling away, even though the relationship is hurting you.

He’s nice when he wants connection, approval, or attention, and when he feels lonely or insecure. This niceness is driven by his own needs or wants at the moment, not by genuine care for others. That’s why he can switch so quickly from friendly to angry or defensive.

For you, this inconsistency is exhausting. It makes you feel guilty for pulling away, responsible for keeping him calm, and unsure which version of him you’ll get. Your “sick inside” feeling is your body reacting to the unpredictability and pressure.

Dealing with someone who can be pleasant one moment and intimidating the next wears a person down.

He expects you to take his side, apologize, and prioritize his feelings- but you’re not responsible for managing his emotions or fixing his behavior.

My advice is to * Let go of the caretaker role and to stop intervening in his conflicts. If he escalates, the appropriate authority (landlord, police) should handle it — not you.

* No longer be his emotional outlet: no more listening to his complaints, soothing him, mediating, apologizing or explaining other people’s feelings to him.

* You can reduce your availability to him (stepping away when he approaches, not answering the door when he knocks, etc.), and you can use the “grey rock” method: give him short, neutral, polite responses: ‘I’m busy right now.’, ‘I can’t talk.’, ‘I hope that gets sorted.’, ‘I’m heading out.’

No emotional engagement with him. No trying to soothe him, explain to him, reach him with logic, etc., etc.

* Consider talking to the landlord: the landlord is responsible for the safety and wellbeing of tenants. He already frightened another tenant, and he has a pattern of aggression and conflict. The landlord can document incidents, issue warnings, or take action if needed.

You can say something like this to the landlord: ‘There have been repeated conflicts and aggressive behavior that are making tenants uncomfortable. I wanted to make you aware.” That’s it. No drama, no accusations — just information.

* Calling the police would be appropriate when he is yelling aggressively, frightening or intimidating someone, escalating a conflict, and when someone feels unsafe (“a new tenant on the property who was so scared of him, she was shaking”).

Police involvement is not about punishing him — it’s about protecting the people he’s scaring. You can do so anonymously.

You might want to gently suggest to the scared tenant to document incidents and call the police if she feels threatened. You can tell her something like: ‘You don’t have to deal with this alone. If you want to talk to the landlord or the police to report what happened, I can go with you, so you feel safer.”

This man’s behavior/ the situation isn’t just ‘annoying.’, it’s the kind of situation where outside support is appropriate. You deserve safety and so do the other tenants 🌿 🤍

Anita

Dear Robi:

So, I’m back from the taproom and WA state (where I live) won 🏆 the Superbowl. I ate plenty, including velvet 🎂.

Back to you, Robi- no doubt in my mind that it’s better for you to move away from Romania/ away from your parents/ away from old parents-patterns.

As beautiful as Romania must be, there’s nothing more beautiful than being able to choose your own way, to make your own choices (aka autonomy).

And it can’t be done, Robi ( can it?) in the place/ in the context (living with your parents, in Romania) where your autonomy was taken away from you?

Autonomy= being able to make your own choices, to KNOW what is right ✅️ for you?

🤍🎂🏆✨️🏆🌙 Anita

Dear Emma:

I’ll read and reply by tomorrow.

Love 🤍 Anita