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anitaParticipant* for crying out loud, there’s the pink cheeks, big smile emoji I do not like (in my post before last). Edit: 🙂 or 😏, or 🤔, but NOT 😊
anitaParticipantGood 🌃/ 🌄 Confused:
About connecting the dots: It makes a huge difference for me. It doesn’t make my life perfect (HA HA), but it makes my experience of life so much better.
Seems to me that there was the boy Confused and then a gap, or a disconnect and the adult Confused is estranged from the boy who is still very much there, part of you.
The adult Confused can’t or doesn’t want to connect the dots to the boy.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
You are welcome 🤍 and thank you for giving my topic your precious time and focus 🙏.
(And for not half-assing it, ha-ha.. where’s the emoji for that?)
You are making a distinction that never occurred to me the way you say it: “it goes well beyond, beyond scared or afraid, into terror… so much damage as a result”-
As I typed the above I felt an noticeable sense of calm, the kind that follows being understood in a profound way.
The tension in my body every waking hour, day in and day out, that’s a result of terror beyond fear.
“Terrorized by a monster”- it does take a human monster to terrorize a child. Funny (in a way that’s not funny at all, how human these monsters are, or some of these monsters are).
The cake she bought for me, the money she spent on me- she guilt-tripped me for these things, saying: look at what I did for you… and THIS is how you repay me (THIS was something imaginary, some accusation that wasn’t valid)
So, at least from one point, her gifts were a burden, reasons to feel like I was a bad, ungrateful and undeserving person.
Your bio didn’t guilt-trip you about the “little crumbs of kindness”?
I read that tics get worse with stress but I can’t tell because they take place almost all the time, so it feels. My stress level is high on a regular basis.
It is interesting, living with terror at home overshadowed the terror outside. If only I had safety at “home”, if only I had a home.
I suppose it’s possible to hide from missiles in shelters or safe rooms. But there was nowhere to hide from my mother.
You wrote: “A feeling of safety is something I’ve never really had”- same here.
“It is my quest to create a feeling of safety”- I would like that very much. But how, Alessa?
Bogart right now is resting very, very close to me, like a baby. I can feel his heart beating. His physical closeness, his trust in me calms me.. is that a feeling of safety?
I don’t really know how SAFE feels. I am not sure. Is it relative safety, as in one hour, one day at a time?
No such thing as real, lasting safety, is there?
Thank you so much for your message, Alessa. It makes me calmer, and it makes me think. I am looking forward to read your thoughts about my reply, hoping to continue this conversation- at your own time, your own pace.
I 🙏 for calm and safety (once I figure out what it means) for the two of us.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Confused: That’s honest. I was just thinking, connecting dots in my own mind, my own story. Your story is your own, you connect the dots that are true to you 😊
April 8, 2026 at 4:20 pm in reply to: Happy Chinese New Year, Happy Lunar New Year and Ramadan Mubarak #456763anitaParticipant* oh, you submitted your message late last night. For some reason I thought you did late this morning.
April 8, 2026 at 4:19 pm in reply to: Happy Chinese New Year, Happy Lunar New Year and Ramadan Mubarak #456762anitaParticipantHi Thomas:
My car (that I hardly drive) is a Toyota. Oh, yes, I do have news about Bogart 🐕 pulling. So today (it was after you submitted the above), I took him for a walk. It’d be more correct to say that 😑, he took me for a walk 🐕 =>🚶♀️. At one point, he pulled hard and I gave in.
He ended up in a ditch eating who knows what, refusing to climb out, and when he finally did, his leash got tangled in dense blackberry vines and I just lost my cool 😤 and the thought of leaving him there crossed my mind. I didn’t, but I cut the walk short and it took me a long time to.. like him again.
Mental note: do not give in to him pulling toward a ditch (I know, I know, I am not always as smart as I wish I was.. 😉)
Thank you, Thomas, for the message and your good wishes. I wish you peace of mind and heart. You’re a good, caring person 🙏
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantThank you, Zenith 🙂 It makes me feel less like a momster 👻 Really, having Bogart is teaching me how difficult it must be to be a mother. My hat is off to you 👍 👏
(when I use the 📱 emojis come up or I can easily get them.. and I can’t resist them 😺)
😏 Anita
anitaParticipantThank you, Alessa 🙂, for the thoughtful, intelligent and insightful message.
It feels special that on the other side of the world, you clicked “submit” for the post above exactly.. 9 minutes ago. I’ll reply later this evening.
anitaParticipantHey Zenith:
Talking about patience: I lost mine on the walk with Bogart about 20 minutes ago. He pulled hard, I gave in, and he walked down into a ditch, insisted on eating who knows what (makes me nervous, don’t know what it was.. ), wouldn’t listen to me telling him to come up from the ditch and when he finally did, his leash got caught in sharp blackberry vines. I was so exasperated😠😡😤, I felt like leaving him there and then, unable to free himself. I yelled at him (then felt guilty).. eventually, I managed to untangle the leash and took him home, cutting the walk short (only 1.5 miles)
I’m still recovering from the emotional upheaval, sitting on the lounge chair with.. Bogart lying down by my feet with his head over my leg. I’m still angry though.
I’m glad that your cat is more patient than the both of us 🙂 and hope that you get to take some kind of vacation somewhere local this year, a change of scenery, away from daily stressors 😌
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantOh, the 😴 part 👍
As to the innocent part of yourself- what comes to my mind is that when you innocently approached your mother to hug her, she accused you of ulterior motives (non-innocence).
And about the fragile part- what comes to mind is that you wanted to hug her so calm that naturally fragile part, but she didn’t. So, maybe you denied that part of yourself?
🫂 Anita
anitaParticipantHey SereneWolf (previously Addy) 🐺
I didn’t want to interrupt the current communication in your other thread, so I am posting here just to let you know that I searched for that winery Serene Wolf sign but didn’t find it in my gallery. I may have erased it but didn’t remember, or otherwise it disappeared.
But the memory of it is still on my mind, and in a way, it made you.. locally famous in this neck of the woods.. for a whole week 👍👍👍
✨️ Anita
anitaParticipantHey Nichole 🙂
I did previously let him know of the neighbor’s 🐔 🐔 🐔 walking a bit up the road and all hell broke loose (running after them and going crazy, scaring the chickens badly), so I learned my lesson 😑
The Mac and Cheese was excellent. I mixed it with eggs and other foods for the 🧀 flavor.
A cozy place, your kitty 😺, freedom ✨️- these sound ike wonderful things to be present with.
Do you think that you need more socializing- connecting with people?I was at the taproom last afternoon (with Bogart) and was bored because other people were talking to each other and I wasn’t part of any conversation (beyond a bit of small talk).
Then an unfriendly man showed up (didn’t even return my hello) with a small dog who viciously barked at Bogart- that made me feel badly.
But then two women showed up (I know both and they are friendly and interactive), and it made all the positive difference.
Bogart is lying real close to me right now. He’s so adorably cute 😍
🐔 🐈 🐕 Anita
anitaParticipantGood 🌄 Confused 🙂
By feeling “none of those things” for yourself, you mean.. can you elaborate on those things: what are they?
And by “same here”, you’re referring to which part of my last 2 posts?
🤔 🐝 Anita
anitaParticipantAbout 2 retire for the night 🌙 😴
anitaParticipantDo you see you (“a bit fragile and innocent”) in her. A projection, something people do all the time?
This may be too heavy of a question.
Much older than you, Confused, I can feel my own fragility and Innocence. It doesn’t scare me anymore: to be fragile and vulnerable. It’s only human.
I hope I’m 🙏 making sense
🙏🤍💧 Anita
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