Dear Substantial:

Thank you for sharing more about your experiences. It’s clear that this relationship is bringing up significant anxiety and feelings of unmet needs for you. It’s good that you’ve communicated your needs to her in regard to your love language. Let’s she how she responds, if she does.

“I also want to say that having a bad childhood is not the only reason I am unhappy in the relationship, although your comment does seem to imply that. I think it is essential to consider how my girlfriend has been showing up in the relationship, too, which I find less than satisfactory”-

– I understand that having a difficult childhood is not the only factor contributing to your unhappiness in the relationship with your girlfriend. It’s important to consider both your childhood experiences and how your girlfriend is showing up in the relationship.

I want to emphasize that both aspects can be true simultaneously: your unmet needs from childhood affecting your expectations and experiences in the relationship, and at the same time, your girlfriend’s behavior being less than satisfactory and contributing to your unhappiness.

Today you shared about your father’s alcoholism and abusive behavior. Your mother endured a lot of emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse, which you witnessed. This situation caused you (and would cause any child) to feel helpless and anxious on an ongoing basis.

To help your situation- in which you found yourself through no fault of your own- and reduce your consequent anxiety, you took on the parentified role of protecting your mother, taking on responsibilities that a child is not equipped to take, neither mentally nor emotionally.

While the aim in taking on adult’s responsibilities is to lower tension in the home and consequently, lower the child’s anxiety, the responsibility of continuously managing and mitigating household tension leads to increased anxiety on the part of the child because the child is continuously vigilant and prepared for the next conflict or outburst. This state of hyper-awareness keeps the child on edge, unable to relax.

While your parentified actions may have temporarily reduced immediate tension in the home, the long-term emotional burden of parentification increased your anxiety. The constant vigilance, overwhelming responsibility, and unresolved trauma of witnessing a lot of abuse contributed to your heightened anxiety, even as you tried to create a safer environment for your mother.

Also, while some of your mother’s intentions were for your well-being, her inability to accept your “NO” and passive forcefulness into things she deemed right might have led you to feel her love was conditional, at least at times.

Currently, as an adult, you choose to live with your parents. The dynamics and tensions in the home improved, but are still there, and you continue to protect and support your mother. Living with parents is common in your country, but your reasons are deeply tied to the emotional and physical safety of your mother.

You wrote today in regard to your current anxiety in the context of living with your parents: “While my anxiety has gotten significantly less regarding these family matters, it’s not entirely gone”. A few days ago, you wrote this in regard to your anxiety in the context of your relationship with your girlfriend: “I wake up every morning extremely anxious, and it’s been ruining my sleep”. Actually, the title of your thread includes the words “Relationship Anxiety”, referring to your relationship with your girlfriend-

– it is quite common for anxiety to shift from one context to another, especially when it has its roots in early life experiences and unresolved emotional issues. The anxiety rooted in early life experiences, such as living in an abusive or unstable household, can become ingrained in a person’s emotional and psychological makeup. If these issues are not adequately addressed and healed, they can resurface in different contexts, such as romantic relationships. When faced with similar emotional triggers in a new context, such as a romantic relationship, the old anxiety resurfaces.

Based on your description of your girlfriend, she does exhibit self-centered and selfish behaviors, at least to some extent.

This is the very beginning of your original post: “I find my gf too self-centered. I don’t know how to feel about that. It seems as if she hesitates to go out of her way to do anything for me or will choose the most convenient path to please or be there for me. On the other hand, I find myself making compromises a lot to be there for her or to please her. So much so that I am completely losing myself in this relationship”-

– integrating this quote with what you shared in your 2nd post, it seems like the dynamics of your romantic relationship are mirroring the dynamics you have experienced in your relationship with your mother. This pattern can be a trigger and lead to similar feelings of anxiety, self-sacrifice, and emotional neglect.

* It’s important to recognize that people can exhibit complex and sometimes contradictory behaviors. An abused wife, like your mother, can still display self-centered or selfish behaviors, even if she is also a victim of abuse: (1) she chose to stay in an abusive relationship partly due to her fear of societal judgment and the stigma of divorce. This decision, while understandable, prioritized her fears over her son’s need for a safer and more stable environment. (2) Her emotional and financial dependence on her husband, despite his abusive behavior, might have led her to prioritize her need for his presence over her son’s well-being. (3) She struggles to accept her son’s/ your “NO” and would passively force you into things she thought were right for you and her. This behavior suggests a lack of consideration for your autonomy and preferences. By not respecting your boundaries and pushing you into actions she deemed appropriate, she exerted control over you, prioritizing her desires over your independence. (4) By not seeking external help or considering separation, she indirectly forced you to bear the emotional weight of the family’s dysfunction, prioritizing her comfort over your emotional health.

In summary: while your mother was undoubtedly a victim of abuse and faced significant challenges, her actions and decisions also exhibited self-centeredness and selfishness as she prioritized her own needs and fears, often at the expense of considering your need for safety and emotional well-being. Similarly, your girlfriend is self-centered, hesitating to go out of her way to support you and often choosing the most convenient path for herself.

As a child and onward, you felt compelled to prioritize your mother’s needs, trying to protect her and manage the household tension. As an adult, in your romantic relationship, you find yourself making numerous compromises to please your girlfriend, to the point of losing yourself in the relationship.

The self-centered behavior of your girlfriend likely triggers similar emotions and anxieties that you experienced in your childhood with your mother.

People often unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror their early experiences, even if those experiences were negative. This repetition compulsion happens because these patterns feel familiar, even if they are harmful. Recognizing that these patterns exist is a crucial first step. Understanding that your romantic relationship is triggering similar dynamics to those you experienced with your mother can provide valuable insight.

Remember, you deserve a relationship where both partners feel loved, supported, and respected. I’m here for you if you want to talk more about this.

anita

Dear devin:

Indeed, like Jana said, we need more context. Your original post is only 4 sentences long. Yet, in this reply (my 2nd) I want to get the most out of the little you shared:

“I feel like I’m just kind of a need freak and that I shouldn’t be like this.”- this term, “need freak” reflects your feeling that you need more emotional support and validation than your partners provide.

Characteristics of a “Need Freak”: frequently seeking reassurance from partners about their love and commitment, being particularly sensitive to perceived signs of neglect or disinterest and putting in a lot of effort to maintain and nurture the relationship, often going above and beyond to show care and love.

Certain childhood experiences lead to these characteristics. Here are a few possibilities:

1. Inconsistent or unpredictable love and attention from your caregivers can lead a heightened need for reassurance in your romantic relationships. Examples of inconsistent and unpredictable love and attention from caregivers: (1) a caregiver who is emotionally available and supportive at times but withdraws or is emotionally absent at other times without any clear reason, (2) a caregiver who exhibits unpredictable mood swings, sometimes showing love and affection, and other times responding with anger or indifference, (3) a caregiver who is physically present and engaged with the child at times but frequently absent due to work, personal issues, or other reasons, (4) a caregiver who sends mixed messages by saying they love the child but behaving in ways that feel neglectful or harmful.

Such experiences, over time, lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and anxiety in the child. The child (and adult child) may develop a heightened need for reassurance and validation in relationships, seeking to fill the gaps left by the inconsistent caregiving. The fear of being rejected or abandoned can lead one to working extra hard to please others, going to great lengths to avoid any sign of disapproval, giving more than received, and tolerating neglectful behavior to avoid conflict.

Back to possibilities of childhoods that create a “need freak”:

2. Emotional neglect: the child’s feelings and needs were not acknowledged.

3. Conditional approval: if you received love and approval only when you met certain conditions (e.g., achieving high grades or behaving perfectly), you might feel the need to constantly prove herself in your relationships. This can lead to tying your self-worth to how much you do for others, making you feel that you need to earn love and affection.

Being a “need freak” in a romantic relationship can have several consequences for both partners. Here are some potential impacts on the romantic partner: (1) The partner might feel pressured to constantly provide reassurance and validation, which is emotionally draining. They might feel overwhelmed by the constant need to meet the emotional demands of their partner.

2. When the relationship is imbalanced, with one partner giving significantly more than the other, the partner who gives less may feel guilt. They may feel that their efforts are never enough, which can create a sense of burden, and consequently: resentment.

3. The partner might feel that their personal space and independence are being invaded. This can lead to feelings of suffocation and a desire for more distance: if one partner constantly wants to check in, send messages, or call to seek reassurance, the other partner might feel like they don’t have enough downtime to themselves or to engage in their own activities. Feeling pressured to always respond immediately and appropriately to their partner’s emotional needs can create stress and exhaustion. The partner might feel like they have less time, energy or freedom to engage in their own hobbies, interests, or social activities, feeling that they have to sacrifice their personal goals or plans to accommodate their partner’s needs.

Constantly providing emotional support without adequate personal space lead to emotional burnout and resentment towards their significant other for demanding so much of their time and energy. As a result, the partner might feel the need to create physical or emotional distance to regain their sense of independence. They might withdraw emotionally or physically, spending less time with their partner or becoming less communicative.

Moving forward in a situation like this requires open communication where both partners openly discuss their needs for personal space and reassurance, finding a balance that works for both. Understanding and empathizing with each other’s perspectives can help mitigate feelings of suffocation, and establishing and respecting healthy boundaries is crucial for maintaining a balanced relationship.

Both partners should agree on boundaries that allow for personal space and independence while maintaining emotional connection, encouraging each other to pursue individual interests and personal growth. Being supportive of each other’s need for personal space can strengthen the relationship in the long run.

Is this somewhat helpful to you, devin?

anita

Hoping you are well, Clara..?

anita

I hope you are well, Tom..?

anita

How are you, Dafne?

anita

Dear Beni:

You’re very welcome! Take all the time you need to let it sink in. I’m here whenever you want to reach out.

Sending you love and best wishes

anita

Dear Beni:

You acknowledged having a controlling mother but also mentioned an accepting father, stating that although your parents provide physical support, there was a lack of emotional support and interest.

You expressed a desire to break free from the past and take on an adult role in your life but you struggle with comparing your childhood to others’ and feeling that your problems are silly or made up. This self-invalidation prevents you from fully acknowledging your experiences and the impact of these experiences on you. You want to believe that your experiences are valid and that trauma can result from small stresses.

My input today: for young children, stresses and trauma are significant even when as adults looking back and comparing, those stresses look small in comparison to other people’s sufferings.

It is important to understand that children don’t have the same perspective as adults. They don’t have the ability to compare their experiences to others’ and minimize their own trauma. For the child, the stress and trauma they experience are very real and impactful. So, when you are now minimizing your suffering as a child by comparing your suffering to others’- the boy that you were (who is still a big part of you)- did not and does not compare. His emotional sufferings were- are real and significant.

By the way, everything is physical: emotional experiences are physical, involving chemicals that are released into the blood and create physical reactions in our physical bodies, even when such reactions are not evident to the outside.

Also, a child who suffers traumas like natural disasters, wars, crime (such things that seem way bigger- in an adult’s mind- than a child who let’s say suffered from a peer at school who said hurtful things to the child), if they have emotional support from caregivers/ adults, they are likely to end up way less damaged emotionally than a child experiencing a bully in school and having no emotional support from parents or teachers.

Emotional support is crucial to the emotional health of the child. It softens the blows of negative events and experiences. Having no emotional support=> there’s nothing to soften the blows.

I hope this helps explain why childhood stresses and traumas are significant, even if they seem small- in an adult’s mind- in comparison to other people’s suffering.

“so I’m crying for justice but also I’m an adult now. And I want to be the adult in this relationship. I want to break free”- to break free, you will need to get to a point where you no longer compare and minimize and invalidate your childhood sufferings.

It’s a good thing, Beni, that you are actively creating space for yourself. Please create more space for yourself by validating your experiences as a child. This is essential for nurturing your authentic self.

Continue to engage in activities that allow you to express yourself and feel safe, whether it’s volunteering or other pursuits that bring you peace. Your approach to experiencing emotions mindfully, with equanimity and compassion, is commendable. Befriending yourself and accepting your emotions can help reduce internal conflict and foster self-compassion, softening blows in life.

It’s important to find a balance between not pushing yourself too hard and taking gentle steps towards your goals. Small, manageable actions can help you build confidence without overwhelming yourself. Celebrate every small victory along the way.

Building meaningful connections can be challenging, especially with a history of feeling emotionally unsupported. It’s okay to take your time and seek out relationships that align with your values and needs. Trust that authentic connections will come with time and patience.

Your spiritual journey is a valuable path for self-discovery and inner peace. Embrace this journey and allow it to guide you towards a deeper understanding of yourself and your place in the world.

Beni, your awareness and willingness to explore your emotions and experiences are truly admirable. Continue to honor your journey, and know that it’s okay to seek support when needed. You are not alone, and your path towards healing and growth is uniquely yours. Thank you again for sharing, and I’m here for you if you have more thoughts or questions.

anita