Corrective Exercise tonight:

Looking up to where the rope begins, up, up. up there, beyond where I can SEE-

There’s no one there holding the rope.

No one there.

No Mother 4 Me

There’s a person there, just not a person For me.

So, on a helicopter, there’s the me, the lost me, now gathering strength, saying- (Tee.. having you in mind), My Darling, I am here For you.

Let go of the idea, let go of the dream, the fantasy.

Let go of what you wish she was

Accept that she wasn’t.

Nothing personal, it was nothing personal- not a reflection of me.

Mother Stanger.

Always has been.

No Mother 4 Me.

I wish I could calm the tic in my left shoulder right now. It has a life of its own.

Mother Yolande (her original name), Goodbye. May you rest in peace. I know you are dying, will be dying soon.

I let you go. I let go of Fantasy. Amen. May you rest in peace, in the world After this one.

You didn’t mean to hurt me- outside the times you did.

Goodbye, Mother, Ima-

I would have done.. I did all I could do for this Stanger-mother you.

But you’d never know.

A Stranger. Disconnect.. on your part, stranger.

I will connect where I can, to people who will reciprocate.. even if it’s just a bit.

Anita

Dear Tee:

I hope that you do see a doctor sooner than two weeks, as soon as possible, and a good, caring doctor with a good team of professionals working together.

As I sit here, in front of the computer, I see lots of trees in front of me, outside the big windows, and the mountains to my right, and I thought: I would climb that mountain (a very tall one) if it’d take away your pain. It’s a child’s thought, isn’t it.

Anita: “Adult Anita to Tee: What to say, Tee..? She wants HER MOTHER… What to do, Tee? Where to go from here?”

Tee: “There might be some resistance to healing, a part of you might be resistant. Perhaps you can ask yourself: if I never get my mother’s love and she never tells me she loves me – what will that mean for me?”-

I sat with this sentence for a while, not understanding it. Then I saw in my mind’s eye the image of a rope, an emotional rope, tying me to her and I am hanging on to this rope in mid-air. And then, healing =cutting that rope= would mean me falling to my death.

* The sun just appeared and the trees leaves, green and yellow, wet with rain, glistening in the sun. So much unexpected sun (and no rain falling), and it made me hopeful, hopeful for my healing and for your physical healing 🔆 🙏

“What I am noticing is that in your post on October 26, 7:58 pm, your inner child had some realizations about your mother’s inability to love. It seemed LGA was starting to accept that her mother didn’t have the capacity to love her: (Quotes) But now, it seems that LGA forgot that and wants her mother’s love again. So, perhaps you – the adult Anita – would need to explain to LGA again that her mother is unable to love – not only her, but anybody else really. That her personality doesn’t allow it. And since your mother believes that there is nothing wrong with her personality and that she was/is a good mother – she is still the same person, unable to give love to LGA.”-

I went back to that post. I wrote there: “This all means that the D.I.S.C.O.N.N.E.C.T between my mother and I was .. unbridgeable. And I held on to her, trying to reach her in a thousand and one ways.”-

I held on to her, to that rope connecting me to her. That rope was my only hope. Reality was the disconnect between me and her, the overall disconnect in my life growing up (in).

* I mentioned before the paranoid part of her personality disorder combo: she kept expressing how EVERYONE was a bad person, can’t trust anyone.. everyone is trying to use and abuse her (including me and children of my age.. everyone), so I couldn’t trust anyone, no one I could hold on to for support.. so, there was only her as an option.

Being that everyone was presented to me as enemy, the only person to connect with was the one doing the presenting. And because connecting with her was deeply fractured, I held on to the only “connecting” I had available (given the mistrust taught).

The strength and endurance of my holding on to that rope for dear life was born in that desert of connection, the overwhelming lack of, that intense isolation/ distrust.

In that post of Oct 26, I also wrote:

“A: (thinking.. trying not to intellectualize/ rationalize)… She wouldn’t- couldn’t love you/ me- couldn’t, wouldn’t because…
Because.. help me LGA-

“LGA: Because for her, I wasn’t even there. There was no M.E. No Anita. I WASN’T EVEN THERE. I DIDN’T EXIST. There was only her. No me.

“A: Ah.. True. For her, there was no Anita. I mean, true, 100 percent true: in her presentation, in her perception there was no Anita, only her.”- No-Anita held on to the only identity available to her= Mother.

Back to your post of today, Tee: “I think the next step would be not only to explain to LGA that her (your) mother isn’t able to love her, but when LGA demands her mother’s love (like she did in the last exercise), to take her into your arms and tell her “sh Sh… sh”, gently hugging her and comforting her. Soothing her anxiety and restlessness, and telling her that you’ll be there for her (your version of “Darling, I’m there for you”). Basically, becoming that mother to her that you as a child never had… Do you think you would be able to do that?”-

In my mind’s eye, I see LGA holding on to that rope in mid-air.. Here’s a corrective exercise: the adult me reaching LGA in mid-air, maybe on a helicopter, and I reach my arms to her, asking her to let go of the rope and hold on to me. I see her gaze moving from her mother at the beginning of the rope far above her, shifting her gaze to me, on her side, close to her. She is looking at me now.. and I am getting closer to her, and right when it’s safe, she lets go of the rope and holds on to me for dear life.

Darling LGA, I am here for you.

“Dear Anita, I do care about you and your healing, but I can’t take on the role of the mother to your inner child – only you can do that. True healing happens when our adult self gives our inner child what we haven’t received in childhood. As children, we were unable to meet our emotional needs, but now, as adults, we’re able to do that. And so we become that loving, caring parent to our inner child. That’s the concept of self-parenting or re-parenting. That’s how we heal those core emotional wounds.

“And so, I see myself as someone who is there to support and encourage your adult self – the adult Anita – to become a good, loving parent to LGA. I am not in the mother role, but I serve (or would like to serve) as a support to you to be in the mother role to your inner child. How does this sound? Does it sound acceptable to you? ❤️ 🫶”-

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ That is very acceptable to me and I am, as I said before, eternally grateful to you. I think that my mid-air helicopter letting go of the rope corrective exercise is what I am going to do again and again.

It is interesting, it’s not about letting go of the mother. There’s never been a point of contact where she met me, a hug, an embrace.. there was only the rope I held on to.

It is because of your input in your replies to members that I started to seriously consider the (covert) narcissistic part of her personality disorder combo, which includes, but not limited to (Copilot): “Interrupting or dominating conversations”, “Holding grudges or seeking revenge when slighted”, “Struggling with long-term relationships due to lack of emotional reciprocity” (that’s me holding on to a rope.. but there’s no one there at the other side of the rope, no one is holding the rope).

* There’s even more sun, lighter outside and no rain 🔆 🔆 🔆

Copilot: “In the context of NPD, self-referential thinking involves: Constant self-focus… Difficulty holding a stable, nuanced view of others — people are either idealized or devalued based on how they reflect on the narcissist.”-

In her mind, like anyone else in her life, I was a 2-dimensional thing: good & idealized OR bad & devalued. Not a 3-D person. She sometimes idealized me (and it felt so awkward, insincere), like when she bragged about me being an excellent student (which I wasn’t) and that I am super intelligent (which I was not), or that I am so beautiful that when I grow up, men will faint because of how beautiful I would be (never happened..). And at other times, there’d be the devaluing, prolonged sessions of shaming and humiliating me with words. Very narcissistic. I need to get a better understanding of this part of her disordered combo.

Thank you, Tee. You are an inspiration to me on many levels!

Hi Alessa:

Thank you for your support and kindness ❤️

I find it moving and fascinating that your therapist screamed at the empty chair, imagining your bio mother was sitting there. I am glad it brought you comfort. Thank you for sharing this!

❤️ Anita

Corrective Exercise (having you in mind, Tee):

(I am having Israeli music playing in the background, the music I heard as a child, so long ago).

Elementary school, grade .. 1, 2.. 4, 5.. don’t remember.

I was the smallest child in the class, maybe one of the two smallest.

My mother had an eating disorder before I was born and way, way after.

She used to make herself throw up by placing her fingers deep inside her throat, I remember.

So, when pregnant, she did enough of that to not even appear pregnant nine months in.. so, I was born underweight, Bridge (not having the.. energy (?) to turn over and be born normally).

And so, I was the smallest of my peers.

In adolescence, I was so envious of female peers who looked like women.

But I digress. Back to maybe 4th grade, standing with ALL the pupils on that day, ALL of them, and the teachers and staff- everyone was there, watching my mother losing her cool (something I was very familiar with, just nothing so publicly displayed). All was Silent except for her SCREAMING.

(I feel unwell right now, face hot, tears gathering. Hot all over, scared.)

Tears, my mother over there.. I love her so much.

And she’d never know.

(taking a moment, music in the background).

So, there’s she is screaming, two feet from the (music) teacher she was threatening to hit.

HELP MY MOTHER.

Her pain was Everything, her Pain was so overwhelming, so all-consuming that there was.. nothing else that mattered.

(taking a moment, this is intense, scary).

It stopped raining here..

Back to elementary school, “Bet Sefer Yesudi, in Hebrew), there she is, a far distance away, screaming and yelling

(How the hell was that allowed? Why was there NO INTERVENTION?)

So, I am supposed to let a kind-hearted person there to intervene on my behalf, to take me away from her.

Tee.. it’s hard to imagine you there.

Here’s Tee.. a middle aged woman with glasses 🙂

She steps close to me, lowering herself to my small height, and she smiles, and she says:
‘
“Little Girl Anita, I am here with you. I am from the future.. we met at tiny buddha.. something of the far away future.”

And Tee says: “This is not a good place for you, LGA. I am here to take you away, away to somewhere safe”.

LGA: But Mother, mother is here, she’s in PAIN!

Tee: Pain that’s not yours anymore. I’m here to save you.

LGA: who will save her?

Tee: Don’t know, hope someone will.. But little girl Anita is a little girl who needs rescuing. I am here for you.

Mother is not your little girl, LGA. She is a grown woman. It is you who is little girl.

LGA: a grown woman so very little girl. See her tears, see her desperation.. that’s not grown..

Tee: Sometimes, when we’re to rescue, we have to rescue children first.

LGA: Even children not good enough, not strong enough to rescue Mother..?

Tee: you are good-enough, you are strong enough to leave here and come home with me.

LGA: Who will take care of My Mother?

Tee: Sweet little girl.. you wanted so much to take care of her, but you can’t, not because you’re not enough.. but because you’re a little girl who needs a mother still. Let me be your mother.

LGA: (nothing)

Tee: Be a little girl who needs care, a little girl.

LGA: I can rest, I can rest.. in you?

Tee: (hug).

LGA: But your back hurts, your health issues.. I may be too much for you!

Tee: Always someone else needing more than you need?

LGA: No..?

Tee: It’s about taking a moment, a long moment, just for you. You matter no less than anyone else, and in your own life, you must take center stage: help yourself before you try to help anyone else.

LGA: (taking Tee’s outstretched hand, holding it, walking downhill, away from the screaming and yelling, hearing those screams farther and farther away, weaker and weaker)

LGA: I hear nothing.

Tee: There’ll be no more screaming, no more yelling, no more threats, no more beatings.. no more shaming. You are safe here, with me. You can breathe now. You are safe.

LGA: She’s still alive.. still there screaming, in my mind, I can hear her.

Tee: Sh… sh… (a gentle hug)

Let her go, let her pass on, move on to some other place. There’s nothing LGA could have ever done to fix/ to change/ to heal her.

LGA: Nothing..???

Tee: Nothing.

LGA: Not my fault?

Tee: Not your fault. Not your fault.

LGA: I am so sad, so very sad.. My whole life I wanted to..

Tee: To do the impossible.

– End of exercise, for now.

* I find this part encouraging, a reason to hope: “Many people heal without surgery, even when the herniation looks dramatic on imaging.”- Copilot said this (Oct 26) before it knew about your imaging results.

Adding: I was suggesting sharing NOT about treatment options (you already stated that such would make you anxious).