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anitaParticipantDear James:
“Attachment to ego is attachment to expectations. Good or bad. Doesn’t matter. When one completely drops all the expectations… what remains is already pure beauty… what You really are = Effortlessness… say to God, I love you more then myself, this body belongs to you, and I give it back to you…. And that’s what non duality is, genuinely not knowing.-
Genuinely not knowing what will happen next and being okay with it, totally relaxing the need to know/ the anxiety about not knowing.
Relaxing the need to shape reality so to feel safe later on, when reality is shaped to my liking. A futile dynamic because reality keeps shifting and it bounds to be not to my liking at least twice a day 🙂
This morning, James, I have a better understanding of what non-duality means in a practical sense than I ever had, thanks to your explanation quoted above.
So, it’s not about the expectation to feel good, it’s about giving up on expectation, on the futile lifestyle of seeking or chasing expectations, good or bad. Thank you, James 🙏 🙏 🙏
Dear Peter:
“The space I speak of isn’t… the silence that erases pain, but the silence that listens to it without needing to fix it.”-
Continuing the thoughts above, the ego is about expectations, including the expectation to fix things and people/ to fix how I am feeling at any one time.. the desire/ craving/ expectation to feel better.
“Maybe this embrace isn’t something we arrive at, but something we remember. Not with the mind, but with something deeper, older, quieter. A kind of contemplative remembering, not of a moment past, but of a truth that’s always present.”-
You are talking about the canvas, empty of the ego’s drawings/ painting.. The “In The Beginning” of non-duality, something to remember. I just took a moment to remember and I don’t remember a time when I was free of craving or expectations. I figure you’d say at this point, Peter, that it’s not the “I” that remembers. (I am typing as I’m thinking).
So, what is it that remembers.. it’s not the part of me that’s thinking/ seeking that can do this remembering.
“A memory arises of a sad young boy returning from school, sitting with the family dog Duke, in silence, and feeling held… through presence. A quiet recognition. A softening. No words, no measure, just being met.”-
A quiet canvas moment experienced when the ego was quiet, the ego that rushes into the past and the future, zigzagging in-between, skipping the present, missing the timeless now..
“So, if you cannot feel it, Anita, know this: you are not outside the embrace. You are already within it and always have and will be.”- I’m part of the canvas inseparable from everyone else who’s also part of the canvas.
My ego always wanted me to feel special, different in a good way.. so to cover up the special in a bad way (low self-esteem, ashamed, guilty), thrown violently in- between misery and occasional, rare euphoria.
Being no different from everyone else, neither more nor less.. this is a new experience for me. That’s the embrace you’re talking about, right Peter? It’s neither good nor bad, neither more nor less..
“You said the warm embrace caught your eye.. what if you leaned into it.. An invitation to feel the embrace in ways you may not yet have imagined. In the eyes of a dog. In the hush before a thought. In the way a tree stands without needing to be seen. In the breath that comes unbidden. In the silence that holds even the ache.”-
Beautifully said, like a poet.. In the hush before ego’s thoughts.. measuring, labeling “me” and “you”, “good” or “bad”, “pleasurable” or “painful”.
Thank you, Peter 🙏 🙏 🙏
🤍🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
Thank you so much for the above post. The exercise, I imagine, will take a lot out of me.. I already imagined the beginning of it, the adult me intervening, and what I saw was the adult me physically fighting the mother with my fists. I will do the exercise later, and also give myself a hug (before the exercise).
As far as the YouTube, thank you. Thing is, I have trouble following the spoken word (ADD or ADHD).. just not patient or attentive enough. It’s too much trouble for me.
I wanted to ask you (before getting to the computer this morning): the inner child grows up/ matures when healing takes place over time (you mentioned in a previous post that my inner child is maturing)? How old does the inner child gets with lots of healing.. Or does the inner child stop being a separate entity from the adult self and the two become one?
I will answer your previous post and your most recent later on today.
🤞 ❤️ Anita
anitaParticipant… Jana?
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
Because of the phone conversation I talked about, I forgot to read the bigger part of your post before last. I just did and I like everything that you wrote. It made me feel better, more grounded. Thank you! I will reread and process it in the morning.
I hope that you’re sleeping restfully 🤞 🤞 🤞
anitaParticipantThank you James and Peter, I very much appreciate your time and attention.
I want to try to.. not know non-duality, James (“And that’s what non duality is, genuinely not knowing.”), and to consider that leaning into the embrace, Peter (“You said the warm embrace caught your eye… what if you leaned into it..”) tomorrow morning.
Best regards to both of you!
Anita
anitaParticipantDear James:
“The ego is not necessary to function. it is the reason of separation. Only way to be in love is surrendering the ego not suppressing… When ego is gone, one realizes that now is already pure beauty. There is no need to change anything.”-
Thank you, James for answering. I keep confusing the concept of Ego in (1) Freudian psychology/ psychoanalytic theory with (2) Ego as it’s referred to in non-duality philosophy. Two different things:
1) Freud’s Definition of Ego- the ego is one of three parts: Id — primal desires, instincts, and drives (pleasure principle), Ego — the rational self that mediates between desire, reality, and morality, & Superego — internalized ideals, conscience, and societal rules
The Ego’s Role: Operates on the reality principle — it tries to satisfy the id’s desires in socially acceptable ways. It acts as a mediator between the impulsive id and the judgmental superego. In Freud’s view, the ego is not the enemy — it’s the balancer, the negotiator, the one trying to keep the peace.
2) Non-duality definition of Ego- a false sense of separateness — the idea that “I” am distinct from “you,” from nature, or from God. Ego = illusion of separateness. The ego believes in a personal “I” that is separate from the rest of existence. Non-duality teaches that this “I” is a mental construct, not ultimate reality.
Ego creates suffering By identifying with thoughts, roles, and stories, the ego generates fear, anxiety, and craving. Non-duality suggests that suffering dissolves when we stop clinging to this false identity.
Ego resists surrender It wants control, certainty, and recognition. But awakening in non-duality involves letting go — not of life, but of the illusion of control.
Non-duality doesn’t ask you to destroy the ego, but to see through it — to recognize that beneath the mental noise is a spacious awareness that’s not personal, but universal.
* Zen Buddhism: emphasizes “no-self” (anatta) and the emptiness of identity
* Christian mysticism: speaks of dying to the self to be reborn in divine union
Comparing the two:
Freud’s ego = necessary structure for navigating reality, essential for functioning.
Non-dual ego = illusion of separateness that must be seen through, “not necessary to function.” (your words, James.)
More of your words, James: “When ego is gone, one realizes that now is already pure beauty.”-
And that “pure beauty” is an experience, an awareness.. not of the body/ the senses? Not something you see/ heat/ taste/touch.. but something you “feel”?
How does it feel/ how is it experienced?
Dear Peter:
Same question, if I may: How does it feel/ how is it experienced?
I didn’t read your post yet, Peter. Maybe the answer is there.. Let me see/hear/feel/experience.. if I will:
“I turned toward the dance of Yin and Yang… James points not to the dance, but to the canvas: the silence and stillness from which Yin, Yang, and the question itself emerge and are tenderly held. Imagine being held in a warm embrace where no words or measure is necessary. The invitation is not to answer, but to remember.. To remember that all is held in such embrace, always.
To rest in the source before the dance.. and return.. Where nothing is lost, and all is already known.”-That “warm embrace” caught my eye. I can’t feel it. No embrace has ever calmed my anxiety/ somatic tension (those Tourette’s tics), not for more than a moment.. except for that heroin-like substance I once drank (someone else’s methadone)- that was hours and hours of an unbelievable calming embrace, felt only love, no tension, no worries, no anger.
Is that how it feels to you, Peter? James?
If so, how long does it last each time it feels this way, or similar to this way?
Of course, I was dedicated to drink more of it for a repeat of that unbelievably unique experience, but a time or two after, I got physically sick drinking it, and gone was the embrace. I tried again- sick again, so that was the end of that.
That was more than 20 years ago.
I am looking forward to your replies, James and Peter..???
Anita
anitaParticipantI think it’s you wanting something but afraid of it at the same time. I think that the something is Intimacy, Closeness..
anitaParticipantYou are very welcome, Tee. 🫶 ❤️
I submitted two posts for you in regard to my phone conversation with my sister this morning. Of course, only if you have the state of mind to read and reply, when you do. No rush. And .. thank you!
Anita
anitaParticipantDear me:
I am confused (and maybe you too are confused..?):
“it’s not like I’ll be in a relationship with her ever.. Maybe Taiwan is my chance.”- your chance for..?
“I also wasn’t man enough to take this girl up on her offer of going home with her, most likely to her house if you know what I mean.”- I know what you mean lol. What do you mean “wasn’t man enough”..?
Anita
anitaParticipantedit: Yes, you can talk.
Adding: The mother (I say “the”, not “my” when I need protection from her).. I am realizing this morning most acutely that in my mind, my life, the mother herself is the T (trauma) in my Complex PTSD. It’s that she meant.. she delivered S.O M.U.C.H pain, so consistently and for so long.. decades that just the mention of her retraumatizes me. It’s the amount, the intensity of her (what felt like) endless shaming episodes, endless guilt- tripping sessions, endless “me-me-me”, No Anita propaganda and all my efforts to make her happy (including giving her all the money I had as an adult, at one point) and always ready and offering to give her all that I had or could get.. and never receiving a resolution or forgiveness for my alleged crimes..
It’s all been just TOO MUCH. I am scared of her now as much as I always have been, an imagined look in her eye, the sight of her face, her voice, imagined (if I was to talk to her/ see her)- to me, it feels terrorizing.
Little girl Anita is so scared of the Mother- Monster in her life.
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
I wanted to share this with you because it just happened. I called my sister, something I dread doing only because she might mention the mother.. So, I am talking with her and wanting to end the conversation just because of being afraid she’ll mention her.. which she hasn’t done for the longest time. So, on the phone, she said: “I know you don’t like the topic being brought up”, and of course, I knew what topic she was talking about.. and I said: “Yes, you cant talk, say anything to anyone, just not to me”. And the conversation ended a moment or two later, I was telling her to have a restful night.
As I hung up, before I did and after, my heart was beating fast and not in a good way, I was feeling badly. I figured she wanted to tell me that the mother was dying and maybe I should talk to her before she dies. And .. well, I found myself suffering after the phone call. Because of recent practice, I let myself feel what I was feeling, not trying to suppress or escape it, and I watched the feeling of feelings subside. And I talked to myself, saying: Huh.. yes, this is how it was, how it was.. being around her, the mother, that’s the effect I experienced of her being in my life.. the legacy she left in me, this very suffering.
And then I felt empathy for myself, I redirected my attention from where it’d normally go (guilt for the mother’s suffering, me being bad.. that PAIN.. orbiting around her being the Center) to me being the Center, my Center, being on my side and.. the distress CALMED down. I didn’t – don’t feel guilty.
What do you think, Tee?
anitaParticipantIt occurred to me that you may not want to read these quotes. Maybe you need to rest and stop trying, for now.. to not summon courage at this time.. I wish you a restful night, Tee 🫶
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
“I’m still in the waiting phase because first the imaging has to be done, and only then the doctor’s appointment. So still waiting, trying to stay positive, but from time to time I do start worrying, then I stop and collect myself, and so… it’s a battle for the mind at this point 🙂” (7+ hours ago)-
You are amazing, adding a smiley face- that’s a show of courage.
“Dear Anita, sorry for being brief (and a little somber – I guess that’s the product of my health anxiety at the moment). I’d like to respond in greater detail to some points in your posts, but got to go for now.”-
You shared before that you are into Christian Mysticism. I am looking at quotes from “The Little Book of Christian Mysticism”, looking for something that you may like at this time (you probably read them all, this is the first time looking into these quotes). Here’s one:
“The important thing is not to think much, but to love much; do, then, whatever most arouses you to love.” — Saint Teresa of Ávila.
I want to adopt this attitude, as in when I’m in pain, emotional or physical (or both), to not think much about it, but to focus my attention on loving.. loving myself, loving others.
Here’s another:
“Be at peace with your own soul, then heaven and earth will be at peace with you. Eagerly enter into the treasure house that is within you, and so you will see the things that are in heaven; for there is but one single entry to them both. The ladder that leads to the Kingdom is hidden within your soul.” — Saint Isaac the Syrian
The above is absolutely beautiful. I want to post it in future replies to members. (I see you in the above quotes as well as in others that I just read from this book).
Looking for quotes elsewhere:
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.” – Mary Anne Radmacher
“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” – Dale Carnegie
“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle.” – Christian D. Larson
“You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” – Timber Hawkeye
I think you’d really like this one: “The truth is we’re all a little bit broken. We must learn to love the broken pieces of ourselves – be gentle and empathetic with ourselves, and others.” – Karen Salmansohn
I’d like to reply to the rest of your post later. Thinking about you, Tee 🤞 🤞 🤞
🫶 ❤️ Anita
anitaParticipant.. It’s not just that she got double messages from you, it’s that she got messages from other coworkers, including the one flying 3-hours to see her. It’d be interesting, if nothing else, to see what happens next.. if anything of significance happens at all..
anitaParticipantDear me:
I don’t know.. No doubt she really liked you, maybe still likes you.. but got double messages from you (the pull-push thing).
Oh.. You like me too, this is precious.. Mother/ son like. I like that!
🌿 Anita
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