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anitaParticipantDear EvFran: good to read back from you, I’ll read and reply on about 14 hours from now (I know you like me saying this, that I’ll be back in so and so many hours 😊)
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
The Return to Love, return from Anger,
Return to Togetherness, return from Aloneness.
From Fear back to Trust.
Although I grew up with fiery eyes and a bitter, oh such a bitter, unforgettable, unforgivable tongue, words of spite harshly, oh, so cruelly flung, I now choose to known love, and let love be known through me,
I choose to notice and acknowledge any bit of Love expressed by others, and respond to it with Love.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued, Dear Reader, a poem:
In the heat of Anger, when temper roars,
There whispers soft, gentle grace,
A Love that yearns to take its place.
Through fiery eyes and bitter tongue,
Where words of spite are harshly flung,
Love’s tender touch begins its dance,
A chance to heal, a sweet romance.
It weaves through storms with silken thread,
To soothe the wounds where anger bled,
With every tear, and every cry,
It lifts the heart, it clears the sky.
For love does not with anger vie,
But stands its ground and pacifies,
It melts the ice, it calms the fire,
And leads the soul to higher spire.
In moments dark, when rage appears,
And fills the world with doubts and fears,
Love’s gentle hand will guide the way.
So let not anger rule the night,
For love will shine, a beacon bright,
With patience, kindness, tender care,
Love triumphs over anger, everywhere.
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Zenith???
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you me, and how is your father?
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, EvFran?
anita
December 7, 2024 at 7:27 pm in reply to: I am having guilt-related familial issues with a guy I’m about to date #440002anitaParticipantHow are you, Lulu???
anita
anitaParticipantDear Reader:
From a post I submitted today in another thread: the Buddha’s teachings are holistic, addressing both the reality of suffering and the ways to transcend it, recognizing the reality of suffering and providing a practical path for its transformation and eventual liberation.
The first step is to become fully aware of and acknowledge our own suffering. This means not ignoring or suppressing our pain, but facing it openly. Once we acknowledge our suffering, the next step is to investigate its origins. This involves deep introspection to understand what has brought about our pain.
The Buddha, or the wisdom within us, suggests ways to transform suffering into positive experiences. This might involve changing our perspectives, adopting new practices, or letting go of harmful attachments. By following this course of action, we can transform suffering into peace, joy, and liberation.
The historical Buddha used his own experiences of suffering to reach enlightenment. He understood suffering deeply and used this understanding to find the path to liberation. Similarly, our own suffering can become a powerful tool for personal growth and liberation. By embracing and transforming our suffering, we can achieve inner peace and freedom.
Recognizing and addressing our suffering empowers us to transform it. We all have the potential for enlightenment within us. Suffering, when understood and transformed, can lead to profound peace and joy.
Here are a few quotes from Thich Nhat Hanh: 1. “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.”
2. “Anxiety, the illness of our time, comes primarily from our inability to dwell in the present moment.”
3. “Your purpose is to be yourself. You don’t have to run anywhere to become someone else”
And now, making it personal on this very, very rainy day, making it very personal, very honest and simple (typing as it goes, no planning, no editing, the truth.. and nothing but the truth): in the depth of me there is that precious, soft- I can almost touch it, so tender, so delicate- love for my mother (the woman there in the position of mother.. clarifies my intellectualizing self). Love, as pure a love as can be, nothing one reads about. It’s something felt from the very beginning of one’s existence.
Love. The image of running to her with open arms and joy in my heart, comes to mind: Mother, mother, Here you Are! Take me in your arms and hold me forevermore!
Oh, mother, how much I loved you- love you- I would have done anything for you, I still would, if there was something for me to do.
It’s amazing how a mother can not or doesn’t want to see this love?
Mother, oh.. oh, if you only knew how much I loved you, if you only cared to know.
Tears in my eyes. I see the image of a child drowning in tears, all that love unseen. And then, punished.
Mother, if you only knew or cared to know how much I loved you, you wouldn’t have punished me.
You punished me AS IF I was a powerful person who made you suffer. No, no, I was not powerful. I was not a god in charge of your sufferings. I was a child born to you, looking up to you, dependent on you, needing your love.
This love for my mother is the beginning of me and it is in the ending of me (there for as long as I live, that is). And yet, it is forever to remain unacknowledged by you.
My Healing, my Hope is for my love for my mother to be acknowledged by me even though it was repeatedly and harshly rejected by her.
It’s amazing how.. she didn’t even notice my Love, or worse, she noticed and used it against me. She chose Power, the intoxicating feeling of having power over a person (me), over the experience of mutual love and respect.
Mutual love and respect didn’t feel as good as having power-over. Correction: she didn’t feel love and respect for me.
So, the thing for me to mourn, the thing for me to remove attachment from: the idea that a mother is a person who is supposed to love her daughter. Well, it’s a good thing when it happens, but clearly, it happens that it doesn’t happen.
So, mother (and the image I see of her face is of a time when she was much younger than I am now): I need to remove my attachment to who and what I wished and needed you to be.
Love is not You, and so my Hope and Healing is not with you. To seek love from you, seeking it in any way, shape or form, including in just wishing it to be, is a source of suffering for me.
And now, that you are removed as a possible source of Love, I can look at the rest of humanity and locate sources of love, can I?
I can not tell you how many times she rejected me when I ran to her with love in my heart, physically running, or otherwise.
Healing is about how to respond to this woman’s rejection of me as if she was just another person, and not the god or goddess a child imagines her mother to be. As in ,it’s not god or the whole of humanity who rejected me, it’s just this one individual woman.
My Love, the beginning love of me.. was misguided through no fault of mine. It was a misunderstanding that I had no way to understand, given my age. A baby, a child just wants to be held by something, someone who loves. Not foreseeing or understanding any alternative.
anita
December 7, 2024 at 10:52 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #439999anitaParticipantDear Robi:
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt update. It’s clear that you’ve been on an incredible journey of self-discovery and growth, and I’m truly grateful that you’ve entrusted me with your story.
First, please don’t feel ashamed for not responding earlier. We all have times when we need to step back and focus on ourselves. Your honesty about appreciating the check-ins, despite the delay, is deeply appreciated.
Second, I’m glad to read that you found the fitness trainer course rewarding. It’s always uplifting to learn something new and align it with your interests. As for the teaching jobs, it’s completely valid to recognize that they don’t resonate with you. It’s a significant realization to understand that you’ve been playing a role that doesn’t reflect your true self, and it’s commendable that you’re taking steps to change that.
Experiencing a panic attack and going through a mental breakdown is incredibly tough. Allowing yourself to cry and express your bottled-up emotions can be profoundly healing. It’s a sign of strength to face these emotions head-on. It is okay for you to feel what you feel.
Your “Aha!” moment is a testament to your resilience and determination to align your life with your true passions. Your determination to keep knocking on doors, even if they need to change, is admirable, and I understand that it’s about finding the right doors that align with your true self and passions.
Third, Reading about your recent experiences, I can see a strong connection to the past you’ve shared about. I just re-read quotes from what you shared, quotes that I included in my post to you on Sept 4-5 this year (on the previous page of this thread, page 6), quotes from June 2018 through Sept 2024 (your first post in the forums was on June 8, 2018, tomorrow it will be 6.5 years ago). Here is the strong connection:
Your feelings of being controlled and lacking personal space in childhood echo in your current struggles with career choices and relationships. It’s understandable that this childhood deep-seated resentment and frustration would influence your decisions and emotional responses today.
In 2018, you described your attachment to your parents as a young child, which later turned into resentment due to feelings of being controlled and trapped. This early sense of being restricted and lacking personal space contribute to your current feelings of entrapment and dissatisfaction in roles and relationships that do not align with your true self.
Your pattern of taking teaching jobs despite hating them echo your childhood experience of being forced into situations you didn’t like (being kept at your parents’ workplace). The repeated attempts to start over in different places (Germany, Spain, Poland) and taking jobs you don’t enjoy reflect a struggle to break free from these patterns.
The emotional toll of your upbringing, including being hit by your mother and feeling unloved contributes to your anxiety and depressive episodes. Your recent panic attack and mental breakdown can be seen as manifestations of long-standing emotional pain.
Your “Aha!” moment about needing to pursue your genuine interests rather than roles that don’t fit you is a significant step towards breaking free from your past and finding true fulfillment.
Your challenges in connecting with your girlfriend and feeling bored is related to your childhood experiences of emotional neglect and lack of genuine connection with your parents. The struggle to maintain interest and connection mirrors your feelings towards your parents, whom you described as anxious, boring, disconnected, and lacking a social life.
Your negative feelings towards your girlfriend’s mother and the difficulty in spending time with her might be projections of unresolved anger and resentment towards your own mother.
Your frequent cycles of starting over in new places and jobs without finding lasting satisfaction reflect a deeper search for identity and purpose. The realization that you should pursue what you truly enjoy (fitness training, photography, etc.) is a crucial step in your personal growth.
Expressing bottled-up emotions and confronting his past traumas are essential steps in your healing journey. By acknowledging your true interests and letting go of roles that don’t fit, you can start to build a life that aligns with your authentic self.
In 2018, you shared about your strong attachment to your parents as a young child, which turned into resentment and hatred as you grew older due to feeling controlled and lacking personal space. These contradictory feelings of wanting to go back to your parents (as an adult) despite knowing there’s “nothing for me there” reflect deep-seated longing for connection that isn’t there. Your fluctuating feelings towards your parents, from resentment to a desire for connection, reflect an ongoing struggle to reconcile these complex emotions. Your efforts to reconnect with them indicate a desire for resolution and healing.
The tension between conforming to roles imposed by others and pursuing your true interests represents your struggle for authenticity and personal fulfillment.
(Later): I’ve been reflecting on the experiences and emotions you’ve shared, and I wanted to offer a thought that might be significant for your journey of self-discovery and healing: it seems to me, that your ongoing, or repeating desire and quest to connect with your parents is a trap in itself. While seeking a connection with parents is natural, it’s possible that this quest is also keeping you tied to past pains, and limiting your growth.
What if the first step towards freeing yourself from these entrenched patterns is to let go of the need to connect with your parents in any kind of meaningful way? This doesn’t mean cutting them off entirely, but rather shifting the focus- on a regular basis- from seeking connection with them to=> => => dedicating yourself to your own emotional well-being and personal growth.
By redefining your relationship with your parents, you might find more space to pursue your true interests and passions without the weight of past resentments and unmet expectations. This shift could be a crucial step in breaking free from the cycles of self-sabotage and dissatisfaction you’ve described.
Remember, it’s okay to prioritize yourself and your healing. You have the strength and resilience to navigate this journey, and every step you take towards aligning with your true self is a powerful act of liberation.
Thank you for sharing your journey with me. I’m here for you.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tom:
You’re welcome! It’s great to hear that you’re maintaining calm and doing what you can in the face of challenges. Realizing that it’s just a job and doesn’t define you is such a powerful insight. It can make a big difference in how you approach and manage work-related stress.
Remembering that we are more than our jobs allows us to focus on what truly matters and find balance in other areas of our lives. Keep up the great attitude, and take time to appreciate the things that bring you contentment and fulfillment outside of work.
Take care, and wishing you all the best!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Astrid:
I hope that Ellie, who posted here last on April 3, 2020, will reply to you.
My response to your post:
Breakups, especially ones initiated in moments of overwhelm, can be incredibly challenging and confusing. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and the feelings of sadness and what seems like regret are completely understandable.
Your description of the breakup being a result of a hundred small miscommunications resonated with me. Sometimes, those small things build up and feel insurmountable, especially when we’re already feeling overwhelmed. It’s natural to wonder if things could have been different and to mull over what might have been.
Trusting yourself in these situations can be really tough. One thing that helps me (and it is not easy for me to do so), is giving myself permission to feel my emotions without judgment. Grief, regret, and confusion are all part of the process. It’s okay to take your time to understand what you’re truly feeling.
If you’re considering reaching out to him, it might help to think about what you hope to achieve. Are you looking for closure, or is there a genuine possibility of reconciliation?
Sometimes, writing down your thoughts and feelings can provide clarity on what you truly want. I hope you find some peace and clarity as you navigate these feelings. Remember to be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued, Dear Reader:
I want to elaborate on my post of yesterday in this thread, and on a post I submitted less than an hour ago on another thread. My WHOLE life I felt heavily guilty, as in G.U.I.L.T.Y for feeling the way I felt. It seems to me now that dealing with a painful situation not caused by a parent while having the full validation and emotional support of a parent, would have been so much preferrable- in my life- than dealing with pain caused by my mother and having no validation and support.
Whenever I heard or read about the power of forgiveness, in regard to my mother’s words and action, I felt defensive, as if I was negatively criticized/ judged to be a bad daughter, a bad person for feeling anger at her.
I negatively criticized and judged myself for feeling angry at her.
Healing has to involve and include trusting my feelings of childhood as valid and understandable, rather than perceiving them to be a reason for and a target of criticism and invalidation.
I can tell that my feelings in regard to my mother are valid not solely because of the few memories I have of my childhood, but more so, because of the way I have treated myself- and others- ever since. I have kept expecting others to respond to me in the ways she responded to me: rejecting me, mocking me, insulting me, shaming me, heavily criticizing me for what I said, for what I didn’t say- and should have (said she); for what I did, for what I didn’t do; for what I felt which was expressed on my face, without words, for whatever she believed I felt, true or not.
I have been stuck in my healing process because of having internalized her severe criticism and invalidation and for expecting it from everyone else.
No doubt in my mind, that to get unstuck, I need to validate my own feelings and to no longer expect criticism, invalidation and emotional abuse from.. everyone. With some caution, I want to, I need to, trust other people.
There is no healing without emotional validation, without trusting my own feelings of childhood to be valid and understandable, given circumstances and events.
So, now I read (thank you, Shinnen) about the benefits of forgiving- without feeling criticized for my anger at my mother- and now, I can benefit from the suggestion. The anger will dissipate as I no longer invalidate my feelings, and as I no longer live in fear of her and her invalidation, as well as societal judgment.
I wrote yesterday: “I feel still imprisoned by my mother and by societal judgment“- I want to be free from this imprisonment: free to confidently stand behind my decision to (continue) to have no contact with her for the rest of my days.
Having suppressed the expressions of my anger at her, and my feelings severely invalidated and criticized, I had little to no access to my emotions as guides for my actions, and so, I lived a dysfunctional.. misguided life.
Changing course, on with Healing.
anita
anitaParticipant* I like your new photo (I think it’s new), Jana: are these the woods you like to spend time in..?
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. It’s comforting to know that my experiences and feelings are understood and validated here. Your support and understanding are invaluable, and I deeply appreciate them. I am grateful for the connection we share and the empathy we extend to each other.
It’s true that going through hardships alone is possible, but having understanding and validation from others makes a world of difference. It helps fill that “void” and brings a sense of belonging and comfort.
You are a wonderful listener, and even though we can’t meet in person, I feel your understanding and encouragement through your words. It makes a big difference to know that someone is there, ready to hold my hand, even if it’s virtually.
I am also happy to hear that you are working on the Eightfold Path and that it helps you. It’s a reminder that we are all on this journey together, striving to find peace and wisdom.
Thank you again for your support and kind words. Sending you love and best wishes as we continue our paths.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shinnen/ Reader:
Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate response, Shinnen. The following will be a long post aimed at.. “Healing” (the word in the title of this thread).
You referenced the Dhammapada, a significant text in Buddhist teachings, I want to understand it better:
“He reviled me; he injured me; he defeated me; he deprived me“- These lines describe various forms of harm and injustice experienced from others. The use of these specific actions emphasizes the ways people can wrong us.
“In those who do not harbor such grudges, anger eventually ceases.“- this part of the quote highlights a key teaching of Buddhism: it suggests if we can let go of these grudges—if we can release our anger and not hold onto the negative feelings—the anger we feel will eventually dissipate.
This teaching promotes the idea that clinging to negative emotions like anger and resentment only causes more suffering. This advice encourages us to cultivate a mindset that prioritizes inner peace over retribution or ongoing bitterness. Essentially, it’s about the transformative power of forgiveness and letting go.
I further read (and heard it before) that forgiving does not mean condoning harmful behaviors but rather freeing yourself from the burden of anger.
I further research about the burden of anger:
Long-term, chronic anger (because of the prolonged release of stress hormones) can increase the risk of heart disease, raise blood pressure, contribute to the hardening of arteries, weaken the immune system, cause or worsen digestive problems, lead to muscle tension and pain, contributing to headaches, back pain, and jaw tension. It can interfere with sleep patterns, causing insomnia or poor-quality sleep, which can further impact overall health.
Chronic anger keeps the body in a heightened state of stress, leading to feelings of anxiety and irritability, contributing to the development of mood disorders such as depression and anxiety. It can alienate loved ones and lead to social isolation, exacerbating feelings of loneliness and sadness.
Chronic anger can impair cognitive functions such as memory, attention, and decision-making skills, leading to a pattern of negative thinking and rumination, which perpetuate feelings of frustration and helplessness, and it reduces overall life satisfaction, negatively impacting mental, emotional and physical well-being.
More about it: many of the effects of chronic anger can be attributed to the long-term release of stress hormones into the bloodstream. When you experience anger or any other stressful emotion, your body activates the “fight-or-flight” response which involves the release of stress hormones, primarily cortisol and adrenaline (epinephrine), into the bloodstream. In the short term, these hormones prepare your body to deal with immediate threats by: Increasing Heart Rate: To pump more blood to muscles and vital organs, Elevating Blood Pressure: To improve blood flow and oxygen delivery, Releasing Glucose: To provide quick energy to the muscles, Suppressing Non-Essential Functions: Such as digestion and immune responses, to conserve energy for immediate action.
When the “fight-or-flight” response is activated repeatedly or prolonged due to chronic anger, the constant presence of stress hormones can lead to various adverse effects: high blood pressure, etc. (above).
My personal experience: even though I am not in contact with my mother for over 10 years, I still feel threatened by her. I still feel threatened by societal expectations and judgment of a daughter (of any age) who choose to have no contact with her mother. I feel still imprisoned by my mother and by societal judgment. So, the anger is still here, within me, it’s job: to protect me from a threat that I still experience.
I see, this Wed morning, that even though I am no longer in contact with her, the trauma persists, manifesting as a sense of ongoing threat, fear and anger. I still feel imprisoned by her influence (via societal judgment). I still have a deep-seated anxiety about potential in-person confrontation with her.
It’s challenging to let go of anger when the threat feels ever-present.
The anger I feel is compounded by the sense that my trauma has not been acknowledged or validated by family members. I did not receive any validation from family that I was indeed abused.
I have not yet sufficiently validated my own experience. This is why I keep telling about it, seeking long-needed validation. Validation, I read, is a critical component of healing from abuse for several reasons: validation is acknowledging that the abuse did happen and that my feelings were/ are appropriate reactions to what I’ve been through. It affirms that my experiences are not imagined or exaggerated, which is crucial for rebuilding trust in my own perception. Validation from others help shift the blame from myself to the abuser, reinforcing that the abuse was not my fault, and that I deserve better treatment than what I received.
Validation creates a safe and supportive environment where I can express my feelings and experiences without fear of judgment or dismissal. This sense of safety is crucial for healing and rebuilding trust in others.
Being validated allows for emotional release and the processing of traumatic experiences. It helps one feel understood and supported, which is cathartic and empowering.
I will continue later.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.