Dear Riley:

It reads like you’re in a really tough situation with this friendship. It’s clear that you’ve put a lot of effort into understanding and supporting her, but it’s also essential to prioritize your own well-being.

In your three posts so far, you shared that the friendship is toxic and draining. Despite your attempts to communicate your discomfort to her and set boundaries, she dismissed your concerns. Even though you feel that the friendship is toxic to you,  and that distancing yourself from her would be better for your well-being, you find yourself returning to her because of loneliness.

Your friend appears to be self-focused, often centering conversations around her own problems and needs. She seems to have a binary view of friendships—either very close with constant communication, or nothing at all. Understandably, this all-or-nothing approach is overwhelming for others.

She has shared that she is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has a history of psychological problems.  Her interaction with the therapist, where she felt traumatized by the therapist’s wording and overreacted, according to you, suggests she might struggle with professional relationships as well.

Her sensitivity to criticism makes it difficult for her to accept feedback. She disregards your boundaries, sharing personal stories and details despite your discomfort. Her behavior indicates a lack of respect for your feelings and privacy.

One reason you have tolerated this so far is your loneliness. There may be other reasons, and you can share, if you would like, what of the following reasons apply to you, if any: maybe you hope that she will change and become more considerate over time. Maybe knowing about her psychological struggles and diagnosis evokes empathy in you, causing you to tolerate more than you would tolerate from other people. Maybe the time and emotional investment that you already put in the friendship makes it difficult to let go, and maybe ending the friendship could create awkwardness in social settings with mutual friends (..???)

It’s important to acknowledge, Riley, how this friendship is affecting your mental and emotional health. Feeling drained and used is a significant sign that this relationship is not be healthy for you. Consider what you truly need from a friendship: mutual respect, understanding, and a balance that allows you to feel valued and comfortable. Your instincts are telling you that distancing yourself will better for your long-term well-being. It’s okay to listen to that inner voice and prioritize your health.

If you decide that ending the friendship is the best course of action, do so with compassion. You can explain your need for space and wish her well without diving into criticisms or past grievances. Ending a friendship is not easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for your own health. You deserve relationships that uplift and support you.

You wrote: “as soon as we stop talking I feel very lonely and try to get in contact with her again“- I wonder about your relationships with other people, family, other friends..? And I wonder if you would like to elaborate on your loneliness experience?

anita

Dear Peter:

The canvas metaphor which you presented in your original post in this thread (almost 6 months ago, June 20) and returned to yesterday (“Back to the canvas metaphor…“) is one that I studied, got excited about..  and then forgot about it. I want to resurrect it and make a practical use of it in my life today.

As I understand it, and according to my research today, the metaphor extends to life and existence, suggesting that every moment holds infinite potential and is connected to the eternal present. Yesterday, you expressed that the metaphor illustrates the cumulative nature of choices and actions. Each choice influences the next, leading to a developed style that limits creativity, limiting the infinite potential in every moment. The idea is to keep the canvas “blank” to avoid accumulation and remain truly free.

Just as the canvas remains blank and holds infinite potential, beliefs can confine us by defining boundaries and limiting our perception of potential. True freedom lies in embracing the blank canvas of existence, free from accumulated beliefs and fears.

The blank canvas metaphor is quite similar to the concept of “beginner’s mind.“, “Shoshin“, in Zen Buddhism. The blank canvas symbolizes a fresh start, unburdened by previous strokes or accumulated actions. The beginner’s mind refers to approaching life with an open, eager, and uncluttered perspective, as if seeing things for the first time. It involves being free from preconceived notions and open to all possibilities.

The idea that the canvas remains blank, even as it gets painted, suggests living in the present moment and realizing that each moment holds limitless potential. Practicing a beginner’s mind means embracing the present moment without the baggage of past experiences or judgments, allowing one to fully engage with the here and now.

Avoiding the accumulation of brush strokes to maintain the canvas’s blank state is akin to not letting past actions or memories define or limit one’s current experience. Similarly, the beginner’s mind encourages letting go of accumulated knowledge and experiences to see things afresh, thereby avoiding the constraints that come from past conditioning.

Both the blank canvas metaphor and the beginner’s mind encourage a state of openness, potential, and living in the present without being constrained by past experiences or preconceived notions. They both advocate for a fresh, unrestricted approach to life and creativity.

Thank you Peter for sharing these insightful reflections. They provide much food for thought and inspire a deeper contemplation, on my part.

And now … Blank.

anita

Dear Zenith:

It’s great to read that you’re doing well and had a fun time at Disney! Spending time with family and seeing your little one so happy must have been wonderful. It sounds like you had a really nice trip to Disney. Family moments like these are special and create great memories.

It’s normal to feel emotional about your child growing up. Those feelings of time passing quickly can be bittersweet.

Good to read that you made peace with your friend. Setting boundaries is smart, especially if you don’t want to get hurt again. It’s good that you can still meet for your kids’ sake.

Worrying about getting older is a common concern, even for someone in their mid-30s. At 35, many people reflect on the past and future goals. Even though 35  or so, is still young, some people start noticing physical changes, such as slower metabolism or the beginning of age-related health concerns.  Concerns about financial stability and planning for retirement can become more pronounced, and uncertainty of future economic conditions contribute to these worries.

Maintaining and building strong social support networks becomes more important as people think about their future social life.

I hope that you connect with reasonable and supportive people and find ways to manage your anxiety best you can.

You’re doing great, and it’s okay to feel the way you do. Whenever you someone to talk to, I’m here.

anita

Dear EvFran:

Thank you for your kind words, and it’s good to know that you are around as well 🙂

It’s completely understandable to feel horrible and frustrated in such a difficult situation. You’ve done everything you can to support your uncle. You made sure he has access to all the necessary information and support, which is a testament to your care and thoughtfulness. I admire your care and dedication to him and it being for such a long time.

Sometimes (maybe often), despite our best efforts, we can’t change how others respond.  It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and give yourself credit for all that you’ve done.

You made significant personal sacrifices for your uncle’s well-being. Realizing that you need to prioritize your own life and well-being is a crucial and brave step.  It’s okay to make decisions that ensure your own happiness and health. It’s inspiring to hear that you’re planning for your future and seeking positive changes.

Maybe the following affirmations will help you along the way: I have the strength to overcome challenges and build the life I want, 

I deserve to take care of myself and prioritize my well-being,

I am capable of achieving my goals and creating a fulfilling future.

You have a lot to offer, and taking this time for yourself will help you heal and grow. If you ever need someone to talk to or more support, I’m here for you!

anita

How are you, Zenith???

anita