Dear Blazkowich:

“I am so sorry that happened to you, but are you sure?“- thank you, and yes, I am sure.

“Now I am having second thoughts if she considers my efforts as guilt tripping too“- maybe she did because she said that she feels like an evil person in the relationship (I tried to find that quote just now, but didn’t find it). This is how I felt when I was guilt-tripped, like a bad person who was ungrateful for good, undeserved deeds (those efforts to help me).

Did you repeatedly mention to her your efforts, how difficult those efforts were for you to make, how hard you tried and suggested that she was ungrateful, anything like that?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“She disrespected me by breaking up over a phone call“- but the great majority of your long- distance relationship took place over the phone (you saw her in-person only 3 times), therefore, it was appropriate for her to break up with you over the phone.

“She disrespected me by.. not respecting all my efforts“- I think that she appreciated your efforts, it’s just that she didn’t want your efforts because your efforts were hurting her (she told you so).

From personal experience, I too didn’t want the efforts of help of a certain person because (this is my personal experience, not saying it’s hers) this person heavily guilt-tripped me, using their efforts to make me feel indebted. Therefore, their efforts hurt me and I definitely didn’t want any such effort to “help” aka hurt me.

“I have had a long history of anxiety related issues but I fixed them, but now they have returned after the breakup I don’t know how“- a long history of anxiety related issues does not get fixed and done with. Anxiety never disappears for good, not as long as we’re alive. There are better and worse days, and currently you are at a worse time.

“I hate it that I am still attached to her and I have feelings for her, it’s just hurting me in the end“- I understand. This relationship and breakup has hurt you in the end, but you can look forward to a better time, and continue the slow, patient process of promoting and improving your mental health, starting with not hating your feelings, but accepting your feelings as they are, without judgment.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“I will never receive what I needed before“- it’s not that as an adult, you will never receive the support that you needed as a child, it’s that you will never be a child again. As a child, your brain was physiologically developing in ways and at a scale that are no longer happening and will never happen again. The support that you needed back then was a time-sensitive kind of support. There was a limited window of opportunity to receive it in order to develop with that support solidly built into your brain.

“but no need to repeat that pattern and not receive it in my future right?“- you can receive support from others, as an adult, but have realistic expectations about what support can do for you.

“So I need to neutralize this EXTRA need to be seen, before I can actually be satisfied with the amount a healthy partner will see me. This makes a lot of sense…  I want to consciously heal, in order to fully neutralize this EXTRA desire to be seen, do I need to see myself? Or perhaps I need to ‘grieve’ my lack of being seen“- Yes, see yourself and see others, both. And (not or) grieve being unseen for so long.

“how do I grieve and lower my expectations?“- see hatchling better.. remember her? We didn’t mention her for a long time. There are all kinds of inner-child exercises you can do in workbooks and probably online. Grieving what you didn’t receive as a child has to include seeing Hatchling more, and feeling genuine empathy for her, a kind of empathy that an empathetic parent would feel for a hurting child. Once she is adequately seen by you, and adequately cared for, your expectations will lower.

“Oh interesting, so I was like N in that I didn’t respect myself/ didn’t want people to see who I was on the inside?“- hardly any human in the whole wide world- if any, past a certain age- is okay with being fully seen by others.

“ You think I would have lost interest for those guys if they gained interest?“- maybe. I don’t know.

“A thought I have had a couple time, N absolutely hated spiders hahaha“- that makes sense because spiders don’t like spiders. Out of 45,000 known species of spiders (so I read), only 23 species exhibit quasi social behaviors.

“I understand the literal meaning of this with an actual spider and fly, but how does the analogy transfer to a human relationship? Is it that he sees me about to leave, he wants to stop it from happening, whereas if I move too quickly he doesn’t get a chance?“-no, it’s that (I am thinking) that he feels attracted to an emotional woman because he considers emotionality to be weak, and he feels strong (unemotional) in comparison. I am guessing that when you broke up with him in a cold hearted manner, he lost the attraction.

I compared emotionality to the vibrations a fly causes in a spider’s web, getting the attention and the interest of the spider, energizing him to approach the struggling fly.. attracting him to the struggling fly.

“I just find myself falling into daydreams of if I had said something else at the breakup, what would have happened, or re-living moments to see what went wrong. And I was wondering if it was a productive thing for me to do or if I should attempt to shut those thoughts down“- no, it’s not a productive thing to do because it prepares you to fly back to where you don’t belong (his web).

“More thoughts on your first post..  Have you ever seen The Good Place?“- no, never heard of it (I don’t have a TV service).

“I have gone through this rabbit trail before and it can be very depressing to think about. My sister did a school project on fast fashion and most clothing brands treat their factory workers inhumanely… To end on a positive note, ‘be the change you wish to see in the world‘ (emoji) and I think just by having these conversations we are bringing some sort of light here”-

– yes, let us be the change we want to see in the world!

anita

Dear Renn:

“I’m not sure I really know what ‘love’ means to me.  I’ve not got much life experience, being 20! Still learning.. we all are!… basing my ‘love’ ff of how I feel like, how I feel when I look at my pet dog, right, the same sort of heart expanding feeling“- an amazing answer to a question we don’t often ask ourselves: what does love mean to me?

Your answer is universally true: the feeling of love is that heart expanding feeling. The feeling, or emotion (e-motion, energy-in-motion) of love is that energy that expands our hearts and motivates us to connect with those we feel love for. It is an energy that sets us in motion toward the object of our love, much like a pet dog who runs toward you, tail wagging.

Even though, like you said, you don’t have much life experience, being that you are only 20, you have plenty of experience with love. Not romantic love, but love nonetheless. Personally, way before I turned 20, I had so much negative life-experience with love, that my heart was too closed at 20.. still hoping, still needing love, but from a contracted, pessimistic and suspicious heart (not from an expanding, optimistic and trusting heart).

A person’s first love and first experience of love is that with one’s family of origin, primarily with the primary care taker, usually the mother. It’s an intense and enduring love that when betrayed injures a child’s heart. The child feels this injury intensely, but over time represses it and.. forgets, in a way, becomes numb to it, or indifferent. Or angry. Fast forward, the child is a teenager or a young adult, and his or her negative experience with love is a huge part of one’s long-term romantic love life-experience.

Back to you and to your original post, about the 1st guy: “Throughout the 9 months we’d been together he’d been really hot and cold“- reads like he too (like me) had a significantly negative experience with love before he ever met you, and likely it happened in the context of his family of origin, the reason for him to repeatedly turn cold

“he always seemed to care for me and was really really jealous when other guys spoke to me in ANY way (in hindsight this became an issue)”-

– he grew up with the absence of love, or without enough loving attention at home, and he was very jealous at those who seemed to receive enough of that desperately needed commodity called love. He was angry with himself for not deserving of love (so he believed, or suspected), while others were deserving of it. This intensity of jealousy is not a symptom of love, but a symptom of the absence of love.

“He continued to flirt with me, he was jealous of the fact boys might be looking at me. I assured him it didn’t matter because all I wanted was him… I confessed my love to him and He said he didn’t love anyone like that. We agreed to stop talking to each other at all“- his heart was quite closed to love, contracted, turned inward.

“I started seeing someone else about 3ish months ago and got together a month ago… he’s super complimentary of me, calls me beautiful, respects my intelligence doesn’t make me feel silly etc. very open about his emotions, however can be a little jealous at times… He’s very different to the first boy and he makes it really clear that he cares about me and it’s new to me, this kind of loving behaviour”-

– no doubt he had some negative experience with love (most people do), but maybe not as badly as the first guy.

“Boyfriend now has accidentally said he loves me while drunk, and he often refers to ‘falling for me’ and has spoken about out future, like how we’ll be married and, we had a conversation about rules that kids should have, in like a general way but I don’t think boys and girls have conversations like that if they don’t care for each other. Does he love me?“-reads like he is leaning that way, that his guarded heart is considering expanding just for you.

“I think I might love him. But… how do I know! and, what do I even do about it. I’m not sure that I’m ready for these big feelings. its scary! I know that’s how it is and, its better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all or something. please help!“- the expansion of a contracted, guarded heart is a very delicate process and needs to be treated with outmost respect. This reminds me of a nature movie I saw long ago, that of a male black spider approaching a female spider, cautiously, slowly, one step at a time, so that she does not mistaken him for a prey, an insect to consume.

I think that we should be cautious with our own and others’ hearts. This is why, reading your reply before last, about your intent, if I understand it correctly, to talk to your boyfriend about the previous guy, and about your feelings for the previous guy.. I think that it’s a bad idea because such talk is likely to close his heart, particularly because he is already jealous, as you said. Be cautious and patient with your own heart and with his.

And please post again with your thoughts and feelings.  I would like to read from you and reply whenever you feel like posting.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Happy Monday evening to you and thank you for the last two lines! As usual, I will write more tomorrow morning, but for now, in regard to the analogy transferring to the relationship with N, this is what I am thinking: when you were upset and emotional, or having a panic attack,  he felt like the strong one (while you were the weak one), a feeling he likes, and therefore he felt close to you. But when you were cold, unemotional (strong, in his dictionary).. he felt threatened (his feeling of being strong in comparison to you was threatened), so he emotionally withdrew from you/ didn’t contact you.

anita

Dear Caroline:

“We were buying some snacks and we were at the counter. I already had my credit card and wanted to pay. When the assistant said I can pay, she (girlfriend) said ‘I will pay’, and I saw she was already paying. Next… Again, I was going to pay. I already had my credit card. And she did the same thing. She said ‘I will pay’ and quickly paid before I can say anything“-

– at this point, I do not see the wrongdoing on her part. Maybe I need context. If in the past, you told her that it offends you that she is paying for groceries when the two of you are shopping, or at a restaurant, then I could see that she’s been disrespecting you by paying. But without any context, it seems generous of her, not offensive.

Continued quote: “Am I overreacting? Or is she disregarding me?… I think she is disrespecting me by acting like this“- you interpreted the two events as her disregarding and disrespecting you, but you are not sure that your interpretation is accurate, that’s why you are asking if it is. You are suspicious of her motivation.. but you don’t know for sure.

“There are still things like me saying ‘let’s watch a movie’, and I say a title. Her quick response would be ‘no’“-  if she really dislikes watching certain movies, no reason for her to watch them. Maybe she has ADHD and it is difficult for her to sit down and watch a movie that is boring for her to watch. Again, without an incriminating context, I don’t see the wrongdoing on her part.

“SO she lets me choose too… She never agrees. Or she agrees when I complain“-So sometimes you choose a movie and she watches it with you.. but so far every time you suggested to watch a movie she said No? And the only times her No changed to  a Yes, was after you complained about her initial No?

I am asking these questions toward gathering enough information to determine if- in my mind- she’s been disrespecting you in the context of watching movies.

To determine the same in the context of paying for groceries or dinner, I ask for information as well: did you tell her in the past that her paying for groceries and such offends you? If you did, what conversation proceeded on the matter?

Of course, you don’t have to answer these, or any of my questions. But if you choose to answer, please be as clear and as factual as you can be, not including your interpretations of what she said, but only what she said (her words) and her actions, as well as your words and your actions in any particular situation.

I am trying to help you with the mental- emotional and social skill of gathering information and determining the accuracy of your interpretations of situations.

anita

Dear Caroline:

* I will be sending you a series of shorter posts instead of one long post because my keyboard does not allow me to copy. I normally copy a post before submitting it, so to not lose it if submission fails. So, here, I will send shorter posts so to not lose too much at any one submission.

I went back to our Sept-Nov 2022 communication so to connect to what you shared yesterday. As I re-read our communication I am getting the feel of the Freeze Response that we talked about, which we both had in common as children growing up, and as adults (an experience that has improved a lot for me in recent years).

Growing up within a hostile family (emotionally hostile, if not physically), we don’t really grow up but in, we grow inward. We don’t develop emotional and social skills because we freeze as children. We freeze until such time that it is safe to thaw and resume our development. But since it never gets to be safe, we enter adulthoods frozen, lacking emotional and social skills that are required for the leading of functional, satisfying adult lives.

The emotional skills I am referring to are such as recognizing what you are feeling, being able to label your emotions (instead of drowning in endless overthinking and confusion), and once you label an emotion, understanding the message behind the emotion. For example: I am angry because I feel hurt. I feel hurt because this has happened and this is how I interpreted it. You then examine your interpretation, determine whether your interpretation is rational, and if it is, you then think about how best to respond to what happened.

The social skills I am referring to are in the responding: in what you actually say or do, and how you do it. Assertiveness and Problem Solving are must-have social skill.

anita