Dear Stacy:

“I’ve been stressed with work and trying to keep up with my new responsibilities there, I apologize for my absence here”- no reason to apologize: being here on your thread is not one of your responsibilities. You can be here when it suits you and only when it suits you. And you are always welcome here.

“Yes, we’ve discussed this at the beginning of my thread because you mentioned that my ex and I both have inner toxic shame in common. That the theme of his life seems to be shame, as does mine. Your explanation about toxic shame makes sense to me. I can see how much I’m beating myself up about this all…  it’s what I do in every area of my life. Hence why I don’t trust myself. I see that it’s not serving me; it’s not productive. I can’t hate myself into loving myself“-

– I never read this last sentence written by anyone.. what an interesting way of saying things. I suppose the two things: hating yourself and beating yourself up are synonymous. Question is how to stop and change this into loving and trusting yourself.

“but I can’t get over the fact that I pushed him away so hard to the point to where he even lied to me about wanting to stay friends after the breakup”- I sense this strong need within you to condemn, prosecute and persecute yourself. No forgiveness for Stacy… no putting down that whip.

“I’ve been in No Contact with him since the last time we talked after he ghosted me back in September… and yes I’m embarrassed of myself“- here’s that shame. Shame here, shame there, shame everywhere within the self.

“I think I don’t see the red flags you can see in him as clearly because for him to not have a clear aim in career in life, living at home still, or to be playing video games doesn’t sound so bad to me… ultimately, all of these typically undesirable traits in him didn’t bother me about him because of our connection“-it was  an emotional connection of the kind that is rare in your life, maybe a first. Maybe it is that with him, at times, you experienced a much needed break from toxic shame.. moments of no shame. What a difference no-shame can make: a highly elevated quality of life, isn’t it?

“I would love to believe if he were a suitable partner that the night of our breakup could have gone differently. Perhaps my blowup on him could have ended in him caring too much about hurting me to leave me, and instead trying to understand me better and work through it together?… It’s always been hard to understand whether my desires for a different outcome are due to my delusional expectations or if they were perfectly reasonable with someone ready for that level of commitment”-

– (1) It seems clear to me that he was not a suitable partner for you, but I understand now, more than before, that the nature of your emotional connection to  him was, at times, exhilarating, unique and very intense. You experienced with him a kind of acceptance and approval that you didn’t experience before him. But notice that you were far from being, always or even often content and exhilarated within the relationship. You were often worried and concerned, just as you were at the time of the blowup.

(2) Considering the intensity and longevity of your toxic shame, I don’t think that there was anything he could have done to make your shame go away, even if he was able and willing to work it through with you. Shame would be just around the corner and there’d be something new to worry about… My eyes just drifted to the title of your thread. Would it be appropriate to title your thread.. Extremely painful toxic shame and confusion?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

I’d say: keep busy with studying, add some daily physical exercise, and when you need it, give yourself a grief-break and sketch your love and longings for her; move your grieving emotions from your heart and mind => the paper in front of you (assuming you sketch on paper..)?

anita

Dear Kiersten:

Congratulations for blocking a toxic person from contacting you!

I would like to answer your question in regard to returning green tea to your mother, but I need to understand the following before I am able to answer:

When you say: “I accidentally took the green tea from her home”- (1) what do you mean by green tea: bags of green tea? Or a tea set of a teapot, tea cups, saucers, a sugar bowl and such? (2) what do you mean by accidently?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“What I take from this is, I wonder where my vibrations were dulled, to point me to undoing this. Clearly my throat chakra, and third eye, the most“-

– “He (F) made fun of things I liked/ liked to do” (Jan 12)- you talked about things you liked to do, he heard and made fun of the things you liked to do based on what you expressed vocally. When he did that, he sent a block into your throat chakra, partially blocking it.

“He treated me like I was a bad kid when I wasn’t. Just accused me of things I didn’t do, and judged my intentions behind pretty much everything“- behind everything, includes behind what you said/what you vocally expressed. When he accused your words of bad intents, he sent another block into your throat chakra.

“he made approaching him so difficult, he was manipulative and held things over my head that shouldn’t be held over a child…” (Jan 12)- F’s behavior was ugly and it made him look ugly (to the 3rd eye). But a girl does not want to see an ugly father, so she closes that 3rd eye. When F behaved in ugly ways, he sent a block into your 3rd eye.

I will need my 3rd eye open and crown chakra vibrating to reply further, so Mon morning it is. Good evening and night Seaturtle!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I am home for the day, being that it is more below freezing that I can handle (my toes were frozen for an hour after being outside for 10 minutes or so). I will be using the treadmill for .75 miles, then take a break, read and reply to you, then back to the treadmill, etc. Yesterday (or the day before), I heard the News Hour and the newscaster said, paraphrased: the only state (in the U.S.) that doesn’t (or is not expected to) have freezing temperatures is and I blurted out: Arizona, and was thinking of you. And the newscaster said.. Arizona.  Back to you later.

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“My way of helping was practical in nature“- I wonder what practical help you offered her.

“Also, our relationship shifted from long distance to short“- during the 3 times you met her in-person, did you spend a lot of time together… alone or with other people?

You don’t have to answer these questions, or any of my questions, of course. In any case, I hope that you calm down about the situation and accept it with as much serenity as you can.

anita

Another editing: “What is the heart’s role in this?“- the role of the heart chakra in the context of NOT going back to him is to like him/ to have empathy for him as a person out there with whom you are not involved. This is what’s underneath my suggestion to wish him well: to send him positive thoughts and a positive sentiment over a distance, not to deliver these to him directly, or in-person.

Dear Seaturtle:

“Even as I broke up with him, I couldn’t look into his eyes, because it made me want to change my mind and hug him, give him my empathy“- heart chakra going wild, unsupervised (by the crown chakra).

“Will I never find a healed person? But then, my next thought was I don’t need a healed person I only want someone who is trying to be better, healing. This exists right? I feel like I need the confirmation at this moment haha”- yes, confirmed: you can find a healing man, a person like you, a person like me.

“I like this a lot, and is what I want, to have my own standards, and not be confined by my childhood experiences“- throat chakra giving voice to crown chakra.

“I went out with my roommate last night, actually we spent the whole day together, went to the library where I sat and replied to your messages yesterday. We then did a little shopping, then went grocery shopping for dinner and she wanted to dye her hair!… it looks so good, and we had so much fun, we made little cocktails then after getting ready went to a fun bar and ordered espresso martinis and planned a future vacation together haha. Anyways I bring this up because I am a bit hungover, and it makes me a little loopy, so I wonder if it is because of that but, all this to say, I don’t quite understand the bolded quote above, could you explain it more? I am also curious as to why his heart chakra vibrations are lower than mine and why it is unchangeable?”-

– his heart chakra vibrations are lower because during his childhood, his vibrations were dulled more than yours were dulled during your childhood. It would not have been unchangeable that his vibrations are low, if he was motivated to change them.

 “I am excited to know this! I fear being manipulated again, so I am glad my third eye muscle is strengthening so that I won’t be. I wonder how the manipulator feels, when they are scrambling for their next manipulation tactic.. why they do this rather than just be authentic?“-

– they have TOO MUCH FEAR that their authentic self is unacceptable. No matter how much you love them, they figure that if you knew them, you’d hate them. So, they hide and deceive.

“I enjoy being inspired to be better, and for that reason I believe, learned to find joy when I discover something I did wrong, so that I can look inside and discover something new about myself!”- I don’t think N feels this way.

“if you keep your mind open to hear your mistakes and correct them along the way, it is much easier than shutting them down and then getting so far from who you are, that you are unfamiliar with your truest self.. my nightmare!”- Your nightmare; N’s reality

“Wow I love this insight. Doubting my own tears… that is very sad. So then when I had those tears, when talking with F about intense things, usually such as money or the ‘housecleaning’ meetings where he would list how I had shown my ungratefulness… those tears, what did they mean?“- tears of fear? Of desperation, of misery? Of a girl in a cage wanting out?

“It is technically my fault for shining light on parts of him that he did not like“- not your fault, not a wrongdoing. it’s a loving thing to do. But when he rejects it again and again.. time to stop shining that light on him and move on and away.

“You know what Anita, I have had the sense recently that I need to forgive myself in some ways for things in the relationship, and I have been trying to discover what they are, and this is certainly one! So far, I had just come up with forgiving myself for not starting work earlier… despite his words, I think I knew I was pushing it as far as how long it was taking me to find a job that I wanted to be at. I look back and I wonder if I could have sped up the process if I put more energy into it, but I need to forgive myself, knowing I did not have the energy, or I would have done so. Trying to change him/us, took up that energy. So, he was double suffering, had someone he loved trying to change him and not having a partner contribute to rent. I wonder, how do I forgive myself?”-

– (1) if you need to, you can calculate how much rent you objectively think that you owe him and plan to pay him that amount. (2) “he loved”- what does it mean, his brand of love..?

“Exactly, I saw him through everyone’s eyes, cause I needed help, I needed more eyes, and by the time mine opened I ended the relationship the next day. That day I remember just seeing a different person in front of me all the sudden, as I put it in an earlier post ‘my rose-colored glasses were suddenly removed.’”- SEE with your 3rd eye chakra, the only eye you need.

“I need to strengthen this third eye before getting involved in other relationships, because right now my sacral and heart are way more developed and make more decisions than my third eye“- I concur.

“What is the heart’s role in this?“- its role is in letting him be just as he is, closed 3rd eye, low vibrational crown chakra and all…  simply because this is what he prefers and what he chooses. And stay away from him, don’t bother him with what he doesn’t want to be bothered with, what he chooses to not be bothered with. Live your life by your choices, allow him to live with his.

“Now he has a home here and started a business with his friend who lives here. Our relationship certainly guided him to better places whether he wants to admit it or not“- how much money would you place on this guidance (maybe you can deduct if from the rent you think you owe him..?)

“I hope you have a happy Saturday Anita“- just had my 2nd red wine glass this evening, listening to a guy singing to no one, as no one showed up for his performance. I thought I might as well answer you, good night precious, wonder-ful sea turtle (7:38 pm here, 8:38 where you are at).

anita