Dear Klast:

“I don’t touch alcohol much, because it will make the brain fog side effect, of my duty of care medication, even stronger… I drive a forklift every day at work. I know how strong the fog is because the couple of times I missed a dose, I had a minor headache but my thoughts were much clearer and stronger than normal. I feel like I am being chemically restrained from fully engaging in life, by a society that is fearful of the effects of my brain damage. Even if I change to another similar drug, my driver’s license would be taken away until the docs thought I was ‘safe’, which could end up being never“-  I am guessing that no doctor or medical facility will support you in getting you off the medication because none wants to be made legally responsible if getting off the medication was to turn out badly for you, there’s a medical- treatment protocol that they are adhering to. I am guessing that if you want to get off the medication, your only option would be to do it without medical counsel and support..?

I was on 3 kinds of psychiatric medications 1995- 2013, including a very difficult kind to get off from: Clonazepam, which is a Benzodiazepine. My first psychiatrist (1995- 2010) gave me the prognosis that I will always need these (or similar) psychiatric medications. Half a dozen of serious efforts to get off those failed. Finally, I got help from a 2nd psychiatrist, and a therapist (2011-13) and succeeded. My thinking is clearer, the fog is gone, and my mental health is way better. I have11 years of psychiatric-medications- freedom. The only disadvantage is that ever since I stopped, I rarely sleep throughout the night, it feels like a miracle when I do.

“After my BC surgery, my medical team was legally supposed to have had my license suspended. Fortunately for me, they knew how hard it would be to get it back. So they trusted me not to drive, and didn’t notify the transport department.  Something I am really thankful for. My current GP said that it was a massive breach of duty of care on their part, and they shouldn’t have done it“- that’s amazing, that your medical team was.. not afraid of legal consequences? I am glad that your D.L was not suspended because no one was hurt and it’s feels good to be trusted, doesn’t it?

“I got over that feeling when I started regularly diaphragmatic breathing, Its sort of like floaters in your eyes, you look through them 99% of the time. Now I only notice my mild PT when things are quiet, and I write it off to ‘just another brain damage side effect’“- I am thinking about cancelling the brain scan (yet to be made) appointment. Because let’s say an artery in my brain is somewhat blocked or twisted: what can be done about it other than brain surgery.. I don’t want a brain surgery for something people can live with, people like you.

“Finding my centre is how I have got myself 4 years ahead of the BC reoccurrence curve“- I hope that you can tell me more about finding your center means to you.

“I visualise BHC like a universe wide cosmic 5th dimension that we are all connected to, like the force in star wars…’… vast, interconnected webs of energy that underlie all physical reality.’ Supposedly animals tap into this directly, humans used to be able to… but we’ve pretty much lost it due to becoming obsessed with technology and ‘stuff’“- yes, I remember now: I too used to think of it as an additional dimension, a dimension that cannot be measured. How do animals tap into it..?

“Our chats have helped me to ground myself. Helped me gather my thoughts for my next therapist session.“- thank you for saying this. Typing out my thoughts in response to a quote from you, then quoting the next part and responding to it (before reading the 3rd), etc.,  makes it possible for me to think in an orderly way/ to process information.

anita

Dear Klast: I am looking forward to read and reply Mon morning (It is Sun evening here).

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Thank you for your appreciation! “As my natural self is revealing itself, the conflict is the thought ‘stop this is too much expression!’“-

– your use of natural self makes me think of Shakti (in the title of your thread). Wikipedia/ shakti: “Shakti in Hinduism, is the ‘universal power‘ that underlies and sustains all existence…  According to the Monier-Williams dictionary, Shakti is the Sanskrit feminine term meaning ‘energy, ability, strength, effort, power, might, capability‘, and ‘capability for‘, or ‘power over‘”.

May you access and maintain access to Shakti every day, every night, and so,  have power over the voice that tells you this is too much expression.

“In these moments K has seen me start to go back into my shell and looked at me with curiosity as I am hiding in my turtle shell… And as he starts to reveal himself, it brings me out of my shell again… K is very receptive to what I tell him I need to feel more comfortable, and not only does he not react as though it is inconvenient to him, he acts with admiration that I know what I need and he is happy to give it“- a perfect match for a sea turtle!

“This neutral and positive response from him lets me hear this conflict in me. Rather than F and N looking at me confused and irritated, which only adds to what is going on in my head and I can’t even hear myself because of the new thoughts their reactions create“- excellent insight, I am impressed!

From your post to Helcat: “I think this is how I live my life, I am in automatic for a while then I hit some sort of wall that doesn’t make sense to me, so then I have to pause and see more of my unknown unknowns before I can move forward. Sometimes I even get anxious, just wanting to know all the things I don’t know before I move forward so not to make a mistake or not live my life to the fullest“- I am thinking that if you access and maintain access to Shakti, you will not be anxious, not for as long as you and Shakti are One. I want to adopt this concept today.

“Maybe this is also why I was away from this forum for a while, because I came here in my state of knowing there were unknown unknowns, and You and Anita, helped me see so much. Then I ran on automatic with my new eyes, and now I am looking to see more once again. I wonder if this window of running on automatic, shortens over time and my capacity to see unknown unknowns broadens, and at some point I will be constantly seeing the unknown unknowns, and living as wise as I can..“- I am thinking that to tap into/ to be One with Shakti, it takes trusting yourself to be a good person first, because you wouldn’t allow a bad person all that power and capability. I wouldn’t.

When I believed or suspected that I was a bad person, I wasn’t able to be spontaneous most of the time. I was regularly hesitant, careful; I waited, postponed, retreated, scared of making mistakes. Because a mistake by a bad person.. is a big, bad mistake.

A short walk down memory lane- Oct 11, 2023 (your third post in this thread): “I have wondered before if I am a narcissist and a taker in life”- this is you suspecting that you are a bad person.

Same revealing post: “Every 3 months, not an exaggeration, we would have what he began to call ‘house cleaning’ where we would sit down and he would list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house“- in other words, every 3 months he would list the ways you were a bad daughter/ a bad person.

And your reaction (same 3rd post): “while I lived with him I went through a lot of suicidal thoughts  and running away attempts“- thinking about killing the.. alleged bad person (yourself), and running away from the person who sent you this painful message that you are a bad person.

On Oct 13, I wrote to you: “For a young child, a parent is like a mirror facing the child…  similar to your father in suggesting that you didn’t care about him, my mother suggested the same, and she went on long tirades about how- not only did I not care about her- but that I wanted to hurt her feelings, that I made elaborate plans to hurt her, etc. All untrue, paranoid-like. She was my mirror and her presenting me as BAD, when I was not.. was a different kind of darkness in that mirror”.

Your response, same day: “It is so interesting that you bring up the mirror metaphor, I had never heard this before until just today…  I would cry every time my dad would go on this tirade, because I am someone who cares so deeply for people, so that he accused me of the opposite made me feel so lost, made me wonder if I knew myself at all. I wonder if this created self doubt in you? and how you overcame/ are overcoming this self doubt? My dad to this day still very often misinterprets what I do and who I am and it hurts every time, he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcissistic. It is scary when someone tells you that you are coming across a certain way that is unbeknownst to you, it makes me self conscious about how I do come across, which if I let myself overthink this I become awkward in social situations“-

– It hurts every time a parent accuses a child of being a bad person. Such a repeated accusation causes a child to cry, (to) feel so lost…  self doubt… self conscious… overthink… become awkward in social situations.

A child needs be SEEN by a parent as a good person. Without that, the child (and into adulthood) is afraid to look further into oneself and see perhaps.. more bad things, more evidence of being a bad person, and the child/ adult is afraid of showing to others, in social situations, evidence of being a bad person. So we overthink, we doubt ourselves, we are scared to express because.. something bad may become visible for others to see.

This all fits with the quote I started this post with: “As my natural self is revealing itself, the conflict is the thought ‘stop this is too much expression!’“- too much expression because some of it may be evidence that you are a bad person..?

Maybe all the seeing the unknown unknowns that you mentioned yesterday starts with seeing- with conviction- that you are a good person.

anita

Dear Klast:

I thought that maybe the reason for my PT (Pulsative Tinnitus) was high blood pressure. In the past, whenever my bp was checked it was always low or normal. The day before yesterday, it was checked and it was normal. I suppose that’s why the doctor suspected a blocked/ twisted artery where the blood flow is disturbed.

“The alcohol probably acted as a sedative“- yes, it makes all kinds of discomforts disappear for a long while, a very welcomed relief. I drink red wine every day. Not that I recommend drinking alcohol (many thousands of people get injured and die every year because of operating under the influence, as you know).

“I have hissing/ringing in my ears pretty much all the time, it fluctuates throughout the day“- I remember the moment I realized that I never hear nothing, I felt claustrophobic in my own body, stuck in a forever- hissing. When I heard the PT, I almost panicked, as in: what if I will always hear that?

Hissing is always there when I am not outdoors with lots of sounds around, and whenever I direct my attention to it.

“For about 2 years after coming home from BC surgery I couldn’t go to sleep on my left side without loud whooshing/pulsing. Later in the night it would go away“- sounds like PT, and that’s after the surgery..

“I might have to stop using the label ‘fate’, maybe BHC, beyond human conception. I get relief in knowing there are big mysteries humanity doesn’t understand yet. That I am just one infinitely small part of it“- I agree with and relate to this.

Three days ago, I read in another thread: Every person has an inexhaustible creative and innovative energy. We can mobilize this energy in order to grow… Daoist saying: ‘When you are ‘sick’, do not seek a cure. Find your centre..  and you will be healed.“- I believe that a person’s center is part of an infinitely bigger energy, energy of a kind that is BHC. The BHC- energy is like the ocean, and each person (animal, plant; organism) is like a single wave rising and then falling back into the ocean. I find relief in this imagery. It feels good to know that I have that creative, innovative energy within me, that I can direct my attention to it in times of feeling helpless, and be helped by it. I noticed that my attention and learning abilities improve when I tap into the BHC-Energy.

“There is no who or what, there just ‘is’. When I am being mindful, I repeat the phrase ‘just be‘ and visualise/imagine other intrusive thoughts disappearing in a ‘thought shredder’. I have a t-shirt with ‘be’ hand written inside a hand drawn circle”- I will visualize a thought shredder next time I try to sleep, and I will repeat Just Be during the day. Thank you.

“I would love to fall through the cracks and stop this fog inducing medication from threatening my drivers license. Hopefully your issues are just related to stress.“- it is very important to keep ourselves as calm as possible.. just be calm, in all kinds of circumstances, best we can. As a rule, Calm Helps, Stress Harms.

I find it meaningful to communicate with you, thank you.

anita

Dear Klast: I feel like sharing this bit, following the above post- I just had half a glass of wine following an early lunch, and the pulsative tinnitus that was there all morning is gone.. how can this be, any idea (still hearing hissing/ ringing)?

anita

Dear Clara:

Thank you! Although I was up for a while in the early hours, I fell back asleep and had more sleep per night than I had in a long time.

“I was re reading some of our conversations recently… I started to understand breaking up is the way out for her to escape her emotions… this allows her to escape from me and thus no need to dig out the way she relates to me and others. Thus no need to reflect… say I want to run a marathon and got cold feet and just say ‘I am not interested its not for me’. This is a lie to myself and the negative feelings associated with me lying to myself, will unconsciously affect me. Because what I said and did, was not genuine“- Yes, I think that many people break up rather than reflect and change, so to avoid the pain, distress and hard work involved in reflecting and changing. 

On the other hand, when a person gets cold feet and says running is not for me!– it may be true and genuine (not a lie) that the person doesn’t like the idea of running, not anymore.

“But of course, the break up can also be something that she really wanted ( then I also cannot fully explain why she is in such a pain after u get something that u really want, anyways)“- I am sorry to say (because it hurts you), but from the totality of what you shared about her words and behaviors, it seems to me that she really wanted the breakup.

As far as her being in such a pain, last you shared about it was on Sept 7: “So I texted her early this week… She suggested…  to use a google form (to communicate in regard to the yoga studio, so that the two of you don’t meet there by accident). I thought it was a bit sad to revert to this, while I thought we could just text each other like normal interaction. So I counter suggested that I would just text her… Later that night I texted her… She… said she was too emotional still and was afraid if any of our conversation went sour, she could not handle, and so she wished to limit the interaction. She said I might think it’s easy for her to move on, but she was still in so much pain“- I am sorry to say this (again, because I think it hurts you..), but I think that the too emotional and so much pain are lies designed to make you feel less rejected by her, more empathetic to her, and therefore, less angry with her. I think that she is scared of you pursuing contact with her (texting, having conversations, and more), scared of your intensity (an intensity I noticed as a virtual 3rd party). She may be afraid that you will hurt her, that you will become a vindictive or vengeful ex.

The problem with these lies as that although it may calm you a bit (you thinking that she cares or cared so much for you, and will care again), long-term it keeps hope alive in you, and therefore,  it keeps you from moving on. Best would be if you really no longer contact her, not for any reason. This is what she really wants, seems to me. I am sorry.

“to answer your question: no I do no need for someone to save me. I think I would practice loving myself or my little self more so I feel the warmth and love from inside“- there many books and workbooks, real paper or online, in regard to Inner Child Work, which are designed to help people feel the warmth and love from inside. I wonder if you did any such work using a workbook..? (I did: Homecoming: Reclaiming and healing your inner Child/ John Bradshaw)

anita

double posting, I think- see my post submitted 3 minutes before yours..?

Dear Clara:

You are welcome. I am well other than not sleeping enough, thank you!

“I wrote something to my little self, telling her I love her the other day… But when I try to pamper or comfort my little self, I realized there are things that I wished someone else could tell me/ did to me, when I was younger, but nobody did. I think I am reliving the childhood for a very long period of time, the loneliness, the scare, the threatening environment… I still want to get in touch with her… that urge, somehow, is still there… I actually don’t miss the actual ‘her’. I miss the image of her, the future that ‘her’ may have with me,  the relationship that a ‘her’ could provide“-

– I think that the image of her is that someone else you wish was there for you during the loneliness, the scare, the threatening environment of your childhood. No wonder you still want to get in touch with the woman who represents this image.

There is still a lonely, scared, threatened girl within you looking to be saved..?

anita