Dear Bella:

I will reply further Thurs morning (it’s Wed early afternoon here), but for now:

Relationships with parents can be complicated, especially when moving out and establishing independence. Allow yourself to feel these mixed emotions and try to find a balance between caring for your mother and taking care of yourself.

Practice self-compassion and patience with yourself. Emotional intelligence is a skill that develops over time, and being aware of it is the first step.

Breaking generational trauma is a monumental task, but you don’t have to do it alone. Seek support from those who understand and can relate to your experiences. Therapy can be expensive, but there are other resources like support groups, community mental health services, and online therapy platforms that offer more affordable options.

It’s natural to find it challenging to consistently practice what you learn from podcasts and books. Try to set small, achievable goals and gradually build habits that support your mental health. Start small. Identify one area to focus on and take one step at a time.

Be gentle with yourself. You’re navigating a lot, and it’s okay to take things one day at a time. Celebrate small victories and forgive yourself for setbacks.

More- tomorrow.

anita

Dear Anonymous:

Thank you for your heartfelt message. It’s clear that you’re putting in a lot of effort to manage and navigate through these challenging times.

It’s encouraging to read that you’ve found some solace in your morning routine, meditation, and reading. Journaling can be a powerful way to process emotions, and it’s great that you’re using it to channel your feelings.

It’s completely understandable that there are days when you feel like you’re back at square one. The journey of healing and self-discovery is rarely linear, and it’s normal to face ups and downs. Your realization that it’s not about fighting the waves but recognizing and accepting them as strong emotions is a significant step. It shows a deep understanding of the complexities of life and the importance of acceptance.

Self-compassion is indeed crucial. It’s wonderful that you’re becoming more aware of how you treat yourself and are working on being kinder to yourself. It’s a journey, and recognizing the need for self-love is a powerful first step.

Scaling down on news consumption is a wise choice, as it can help reduce additional stress. Taking one step at a time, with the understanding that there will be setbacks, is a realistic and compassionate approach.

“Expecting a life without sufferings seems to be living in illusion”-
– I completely agree with your insight that expecting a life without suffering is indeed an illusion. Pain and discomfort are inherent parts of the human experience, and recognizing this can help us navigate life with more resilience and understanding. Embracing both the highs and lows allows us a healthier mind and heart. I just communicated with another member on this exact topic less than an hour ago (thread: Old Journal- things that pierce the human heart).

Remember, you’re not alone in this battle. Your resilience and perseverance are commendable. Keep taking those small steps forward, and be gentle with yourself along the way. Wishing you continued strength and peace as you navigate this challenging but rewarding path.

I’ll close with a little poem for you:
Look into the mirror, see beyond the pain,
There’s strength within your gaze, like flowers in the rain.
Hold yourself with kindness, let compassion be your guide.

You’re a tapestry of stories, each thread a vital part,
Woven through with resilience, beauty in your heart.
So when the waves of self-doubt crash upon your shore,
Know that you are loved, today and evermore.

Embrace the dawn’s soft promise, the hope that each day brings,
And let your spirit soar on self-compassion’s wings.
For you are not your darkest thoughts, nor past mistakes you’ve made,
You are the love you give yourself, and in that love, be swayed.

anita

Dear me:

Thanks for the update. I hope your father continues to improve and has more good days ahead. Belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too!

I’m sorry to read about your colleague. It’s understandable to have mixed feelings about it.

“(He) changed his life for her (big mistake, do it for you not anyone else)… I don’t feel bad for him, maybe a little sad? but his blood line suffered far worse then him getting to this point and he commits suicide because of a girl? really?”-

– I can understand why you might feel conflicted about your colleague’s situation. It’s tough to process such a tragic event.

It’s clear that you have strong feelings about making life changes for oneself rather than for someone else. That’s an important point, and it’s true that self-worth and personal growth should come from within. Relationships can be incredibly powerful, but they shouldn’t define our entire being.

I also get that it might be hard to fully empathize with his decision, especially considering the hardships his family has faced. Suicide is often driven by overwhelming pain that might not be apparent to others, including family members, friends and work colleagues.

When a family (like your colleague’s family) has been dealing with significant hardships, they might be so overwhelmed by their own struggles that they might not notice or understand the pain of an individual member of th family. It is possible that your colleague’s family has been so focused on their own pain and coping mechanisms that they missed signs of distress in your colleague.

It is possible that your colleague didn’t want to burden his already-suffering family with his problems, and so, he felt very isolated and alone, lacking the emotional support he desperately needed.

Reads like the emotional pain from his girlfriend’s betrayal and loss was so overwhelming that it clouded his judgment. In such a state, a person might feel that their suffering is unbearable and that there’s no way out.

Maybe he believed that his family would be better off without him, even though this was not true. This distorted thinking can prevent a person from fully understanding the impact of their actions on others.

In moments of extreme desperation, a person might feel that ending one’s life is the only way to escape one’s pain, not being able to see any other options or solutions.

While suicide might seem like a selfish act, it’s important to understand that the person is not thinking clearly. They are not intentionally trying to hurt their loved ones; rather, they are trying to escape their own unbearable pain. It’s a tragic and misguided decision, not a reflection of their love or care for their family. Understanding these factors can help us approach the situation with empathy and compassion.

Let’s all remember to be kind and supportive to those around us. You never know what someone might be going through.

I am sending you strength and understanding during this time and hoping to read from you again, anytime.

anita

Sorry, own brand, own just once (typing from my phone)]

Dear Peter:

1) Processing the quote: it begins by drawing a distinction between shallow happiness and deep, sustaining joy. Shallow happiness is described as a fleeting state that exists only in the absence of sorrow. In contrast, deep joy is described as an enduring state that can coexist with and even arise from sorrow.

Happiness is depicted as fragile and unable to withstand pain. When sorrow arrives, happiness fades away because it cannot endure suffering. Happiness can easily be disrupted by negative experiences. Joy, on the other hand, is described as a deeper, resilient state that can withstand negative experiences.

This suggests that joy is not just an absence of sorrow but a transformation of it. Joy is born out of the experience of enduring and overcoming sorrow, a transcendence from suffering to endurance. This means that through suffering, it is possible to develops the strength and resilience to endure challenges.

Endurance then transforms into character. This implies that enduring suffering shapes one’s character, instilling qualities like strength, resilience, and wisdom.

Finally, character gives rise to hope. The development of character through enduring suffering leads to a sense of hope and optimism for the future. The hope that emerges from this process becomes the source of deep joy. Unlike shallow happiness, this joy is not easily shaken because it is rooted in the strength and character developed through enduring suffering. This joy does not disappoint because it is not dependent on external circumstances. It is a sustaining, inner strength that can endure even in the face of grief and sorrow.

2) Personal reflection (when I refer to pain, I mean emotional pain mostly)- images appear in my mind in regard to this quote: a person crumbling under pain, falling to the ground, contracted, smaller. An image of a tree under the distress of drought, falling leaves, cracking, breaking branches, the tree smallest, minimal, so to survive the drought/ the suffering.

This is what happened to me and what I participated- unbeknownst to me- in the making: I became less, minimal, small, smallest. The logic behind this instinctive response to pain: the less there is of me=> the less there is to feel pain.

Being less means less pain on the short run. But on the long run, being less = less endurance. With less endurance, pain intensifies and continues on and on and on.

Transcending pain would then mean to get up from the ground, to get up and stretch, take air in and expand/ undo the contraction. It is a different position to pain: upward, expanded, strong.

My mistake, I now realize (for the first time) is that I remained contracted, minimal in the face of pain for way, way longer than such strategy is effective. This strategy increased and maintained my pain because there was not enough of me to endure it.

I was a prisoner of the same-old, same-old pain of my childhood+ for longer than half a century, frozen in place, minimal, a life suffocated by the fear of (the same childhood) pain.

It’s as if I was waiting the whole time for the pain to go away so that I can stand up, stand straight and dare to breathe/ to expand. It never happened and I remained on the ground being stared down by the pain, so to speak, while what I needed was to stand up and look it in the eye.

Transcending the fear of pain long- term then is a shift from minimizing myself so to feel less pain => maximize myself (add determination, resilience, strength, courage, hope) so to better be able to endure pain and enjoy the consequence of such endurance: joy as a way of life.

This reminds me of the chest-opener positions of yoga- expanding the heart, the shoulders, the upper back, undoing the common hunching over (contracted) positions of sitting. There is a sensation of power when I do every morning. I now need to do more of it, more expansion, opening myself to the experience of life from the position of strength and even hope, dare to hope.

As I said before, your thread is amazing to me, amazingly valuable. Thank you.

anita

Dear Peter/all:

This morning, I am quoting (not analyzing) Peter’s words here on the forums: Old (tiny buddha) Journal- things that pierce (my) heart, or mind today, and letting them sink in (I can see a valuable book published by you, Peter, copying from your tiny buddha posts).

Peter, May 27, 2016 (first post on tiny buddha): “The problem is that when most people talk about purpose, they are imagining something grand, something experienced with every breath we take… The reality is that purpose, like meaning, is a subjective experience and not something that exists in and of itself as a measurable objective experience. We do love to measure things, and you would think we would be better at it”.

Peter, Oct 4, 2016: “There is an art to forgiveness. Many feel that if they forgive, they are saying that what happened to them was ok and that they now must allow those who have hurt them back into their lives. But that is not so. Forgiveness can create the space for the wronged to move forward from the experience.

“For a word that is often used, it is surprising how little the word forgiveness is understood. Don’t let your heart harden and in hardening keep everything bottled up…

“Perhaps the difficulty in letting go of past experiences was in a way leaving you mentally and or emotionally constipated… What might life be like if your memories could freely flow through you without them overly influencing your present?”

Peter, Oct 12, 2016: “Each person is… more than the sum of their parts (and past) … It would be my hope that you realize that the memories of your past do not have to define the story of your experience today… We become the stories we tell, so tell a good one”.

Peter, Nov 28, 2017: “When I notice myself feeling anxious, I stop what I’m doing and take moment and remind myself that I am not my thoughts, I am not my memories/past, I am not my emotions. I am the observer of thoughts, memories and emotions. In this way space is created to take a breath and change perspective to what is happening around me allowing the experience to flow”.

anita

Dear Peter:

Thank you for your heartfelt response. I’m glad to hear that my reflections resonated with you and helped clarify what you were trying to express. It’s truly a very meaningful dialogue for me, and I appreciate your insights and willingness to share these here.

Your reference to Hokusai’s words, “Life living through You,” and the concept of flow—being transparent to the transcendent—is striking a chord with me this morning:

“– Flow – Transparent to the Transcendent”- in this context, being “transparent” means being open and unobstructed. It suggests that ego, biases, and preconceptions (based on the past) are obstructing the experience of the present moment/ the Eternal Now.

Being transparent to the transcendent means that when I am fully engaged and immersed in the present moment (flow), I am open to and can experience higher states of consciousness or profound insights (transcendence).

“Buddha nature transcends duality and constructs… returning to stillness, silence, Love, non-duality – the Eternal Now, the source from which the experience arose”- being fully aware of the present moment, without obstructions/ distraction from past or future, promotes a sense of unity and interconnectedness with all things and a sense of inner peace, calm, and stillness.

Every present moment is seen as fully sufficient in itself, containing all the richness and depth of experience without needing to be tied to past or future moments.

Each moment holds infinite potential because it is not limited by time. It is experienced as a timeless essence.

Personally, I have been heavily obstructed by my past, living under a very dark cloud of past hurts, sadness and anger, jealousy and envy, a deep sense of injustice.

There is no way to find light under a dark cloud (beyond a moment here, a moment there, moments far in between). Got to transcend my past, to rise above it. To experience the Eternal Now.

This will need to be absorbed further, to be made a way of life in practical terms, my new way of life. You, Peter, presented this to me in a way that made it possible for me to perceive for the first time in my life. It is amazing to me!

anita

Dear Stacy, here is a poem just for you:

In the quiet hours of the night, a silent plea,
For rest, for peace, for tranquility.

The walls are thin, the noise is loud,
Restless nights and weary days,
In search of solace, gentle rays.

The need for space, a breath of air,
To dream, to rest, to find repair.
To find a place where sleep can mend.

Oh, sister dear, can you not see,
The toll it takes, the pain in me?
A simple wish, a night so still,
To calm the mind, the heart to fill.

With love, with care, let’s find a way,
To bridge the gap, to heal, to stay,
In harmony, where all can be,
Together, yet in unity.

For in the quiet, hearts can mend,
And wounds of past begin to end,
Let peace descend, a gentle dove,
In the silent night, a sister’s love.

(Yet moving out is the only solution I see, at this time).

anita