Dear Blazkowich:

It is common to inaccurately project one’s parent into a romantic partner. I suppose you reminded her of her father in some way (could be something as simple as the sound of your voice, or your use of a certain word that he often uses), and that was enough for her to project her father’s aggression into you.

You shared before that you didn’t push your efforts to help her, that you gave her all the space that she needed, that you were gentle, kind and patient with her… so, no aggression on your part, right?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

Did she tell you anything else about her father, or mother, about her relationships with her parents?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

I want you to have a restful night next, a change from sleepless nights. Don’t give up on love, Blazkowitch.. learn what you need to learn and it will be okay.

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“I am so sorry that happened to you, but are you sure?“- thank you, and yes, I am sure.

“Now I am having second thoughts if she considers my efforts as guilt tripping too“- maybe she did because she said that she feels like an evil person in the relationship (I tried to find that quote just now, but didn’t find it). This is how I felt when I was guilt-tripped, like a bad person who was ungrateful for good, undeserved deeds (those efforts to help me).

Did you repeatedly mention to her your efforts, how difficult those efforts were for you to make, how hard you tried and suggested that she was ungrateful, anything like that?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“She disrespected me by breaking up over a phone call“- but the great majority of your long- distance relationship took place over the phone (you saw her in-person only 3 times), therefore, it was appropriate for her to break up with you over the phone.

“She disrespected me by.. not respecting all my efforts“- I think that she appreciated your efforts, it’s just that she didn’t want your efforts because your efforts were hurting her (she told you so).

From personal experience, I too didn’t want the efforts of help of a certain person because (this is my personal experience, not saying it’s hers) this person heavily guilt-tripped me, using their efforts to make me feel indebted. Therefore, their efforts hurt me and I definitely didn’t want any such effort to “help” aka hurt me.

“I have had a long history of anxiety related issues but I fixed them, but now they have returned after the breakup I don’t know how“- a long history of anxiety related issues does not get fixed and done with. Anxiety never disappears for good, not as long as we’re alive. There are better and worse days, and currently you are at a worse time.

“I hate it that I am still attached to her and I have feelings for her, it’s just hurting me in the end“- I understand. This relationship and breakup has hurt you in the end, but you can look forward to a better time, and continue the slow, patient process of promoting and improving your mental health, starting with not hating your feelings, but accepting your feelings as they are, without judgment.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“I will never receive what I needed before“- it’s not that as an adult, you will never receive the support that you needed as a child, it’s that you will never be a child again. As a child, your brain was physiologically developing in ways and at a scale that are no longer happening and will never happen again. The support that you needed back then was a time-sensitive kind of support. There was a limited window of opportunity to receive it in order to develop with that support solidly built into your brain.

“but no need to repeat that pattern and not receive it in my future right?“- you can receive support from others, as an adult, but have realistic expectations about what support can do for you.

“So I need to neutralize this EXTRA need to be seen, before I can actually be satisfied with the amount a healthy partner will see me. This makes a lot of sense…  I want to consciously heal, in order to fully neutralize this EXTRA desire to be seen, do I need to see myself? Or perhaps I need to ‘grieve’ my lack of being seen“- Yes, see yourself and see others, both. And (not or) grieve being unseen for so long.

“how do I grieve and lower my expectations?“- see hatchling better.. remember her? We didn’t mention her for a long time. There are all kinds of inner-child exercises you can do in workbooks and probably online. Grieving what you didn’t receive as a child has to include seeing Hatchling more, and feeling genuine empathy for her, a kind of empathy that an empathetic parent would feel for a hurting child. Once she is adequately seen by you, and adequately cared for, your expectations will lower.

“Oh interesting, so I was like N in that I didn’t respect myself/ didn’t want people to see who I was on the inside?“- hardly any human in the whole wide world- if any, past a certain age- is okay with being fully seen by others.

“ You think I would have lost interest for those guys if they gained interest?“- maybe. I don’t know.

“A thought I have had a couple time, N absolutely hated spiders hahaha“- that makes sense because spiders don’t like spiders. Out of 45,000 known species of spiders (so I read), only 23 species exhibit quasi social behaviors.

“I understand the literal meaning of this with an actual spider and fly, but how does the analogy transfer to a human relationship? Is it that he sees me about to leave, he wants to stop it from happening, whereas if I move too quickly he doesn’t get a chance?“-no, it’s that (I am thinking) that he feels attracted to an emotional woman because he considers emotionality to be weak, and he feels strong (unemotional) in comparison. I am guessing that when you broke up with him in a cold hearted manner, he lost the attraction.

I compared emotionality to the vibrations a fly causes in a spider’s web, getting the attention and the interest of the spider, energizing him to approach the struggling fly.. attracting him to the struggling fly.

“I just find myself falling into daydreams of if I had said something else at the breakup, what would have happened, or re-living moments to see what went wrong. And I was wondering if it was a productive thing for me to do or if I should attempt to shut those thoughts down“- no, it’s not a productive thing to do because it prepares you to fly back to where you don’t belong (his web).

“More thoughts on your first post..  Have you ever seen The Good Place?“- no, never heard of it (I don’t have a TV service).

“I have gone through this rabbit trail before and it can be very depressing to think about. My sister did a school project on fast fashion and most clothing brands treat their factory workers inhumanely… To end on a positive note, ‘be the change you wish to see in the world‘ (emoji) and I think just by having these conversations we are bringing some sort of light here”-

– yes, let us be the change we want to see in the world!

anita

Dear Renn:

“I’m not sure I really know what ‘love’ means to me.  I’ve not got much life experience, being 20! Still learning.. we all are!… basing my ‘love’ ff of how I feel like, how I feel when I look at my pet dog, right, the same sort of heart expanding feeling“- an amazing answer to a question we don’t often ask ourselves: what does love mean to me?

Your answer is universally true: the feeling of love is that heart expanding feeling. The feeling, or emotion (e-motion, energy-in-motion) of love is that energy that expands our hearts and motivates us to connect with those we feel love for. It is an energy that sets us in motion toward the object of our love, much like a pet dog who runs toward you, tail wagging.

Even though, like you said, you don’t have much life experience, being that you are only 20, you have plenty of experience with love. Not romantic love, but love nonetheless. Personally, way before I turned 20, I had so much negative life-experience with love, that my heart was too closed at 20.. still hoping, still needing love, but from a contracted, pessimistic and suspicious heart (not from an expanding, optimistic and trusting heart).

A person’s first love and first experience of love is that with one’s family of origin, primarily with the primary care taker, usually the mother. It’s an intense and enduring love that when betrayed injures a child’s heart. The child feels this injury intensely, but over time represses it and.. forgets, in a way, becomes numb to it, or indifferent. Or angry. Fast forward, the child is a teenager or a young adult, and his or her negative experience with love is a huge part of one’s long-term romantic love life-experience.

Back to you and to your original post, about the 1st guy: “Throughout the 9 months we’d been together he’d been really hot and cold“- reads like he too (like me) had a significantly negative experience with love before he ever met you, and likely it happened in the context of his family of origin, the reason for him to repeatedly turn cold

“he always seemed to care for me and was really really jealous when other guys spoke to me in ANY way (in hindsight this became an issue)”-

– he grew up with the absence of love, or without enough loving attention at home, and he was very jealous at those who seemed to receive enough of that desperately needed commodity called love. He was angry with himself for not deserving of love (so he believed, or suspected), while others were deserving of it. This intensity of jealousy is not a symptom of love, but a symptom of the absence of love.

“He continued to flirt with me, he was jealous of the fact boys might be looking at me. I assured him it didn’t matter because all I wanted was him… I confessed my love to him and He said he didn’t love anyone like that. We agreed to stop talking to each other at all“- his heart was quite closed to love, contracted, turned inward.

“I started seeing someone else about 3ish months ago and got together a month ago… he’s super complimentary of me, calls me beautiful, respects my intelligence doesn’t make me feel silly etc. very open about his emotions, however can be a little jealous at times… He’s very different to the first boy and he makes it really clear that he cares about me and it’s new to me, this kind of loving behaviour”-

– no doubt he had some negative experience with love (most people do), but maybe not as badly as the first guy.

“Boyfriend now has accidentally said he loves me while drunk, and he often refers to ‘falling for me’ and has spoken about out future, like how we’ll be married and, we had a conversation about rules that kids should have, in like a general way but I don’t think boys and girls have conversations like that if they don’t care for each other. Does he love me?“-reads like he is leaning that way, that his guarded heart is considering expanding just for you.

“I think I might love him. But… how do I know! and, what do I even do about it. I’m not sure that I’m ready for these big feelings. its scary! I know that’s how it is and, its better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all or something. please help!“- the expansion of a contracted, guarded heart is a very delicate process and needs to be treated with outmost respect. This reminds me of a nature movie I saw long ago, that of a male black spider approaching a female spider, cautiously, slowly, one step at a time, so that she does not mistaken him for a prey, an insect to consume.

I think that we should be cautious with our own and others’ hearts. This is why, reading your reply before last, about your intent, if I understand it correctly, to talk to your boyfriend about the previous guy, and about your feelings for the previous guy.. I think that it’s a bad idea because such talk is likely to close his heart, particularly because he is already jealous, as you said. Be cautious and patient with your own heart and with his.

And please post again with your thoughts and feelings.  I would like to read from you and reply whenever you feel like posting.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Happy Monday evening to you and thank you for the last two lines! As usual, I will write more tomorrow morning, but for now, in regard to the analogy transferring to the relationship with N, this is what I am thinking: when you were upset and emotional, or having a panic attack,  he felt like the strong one (while you were the weak one), a feeling he likes, and therefore he felt close to you. But when you were cold, unemotional (strong, in his dictionary).. he felt threatened (his feeling of being strong in comparison to you was threatened), so he emotionally withdrew from you/ didn’t contact you.

anita