How are you, Going Through Life?

Dear Q:

“I’m trying to self-soothe by reminding myself that 1. I did my best at that point of time and was genuine in everything I did…”-

The things you tell yourself (your thoughts) make sense, but the emotions underneath the thoughts don’t “listen” to these thoughts for long. Do you agree?

I wonder if it will help you to express the emotions underneath the thoughts in a more raw, child-like, less- thinking way, whatever comes to mind (examples for such expressions: *I am scared, I am afraid to be alone, I am sad, I am lonely*)- by journaling privately, or here on your thread.

It may give your emotions the space they need to be heard, to be more fully known..?

🤍🌿 Anita

“Taiwanian girls”- think of her outside the box of a Taiwanese girl.. just a girl who happens to like a boy (you)?

Maybe?

Thomas, thank you for explaining things best you can.

Dear James, thank you for referring to me as “Dear”. I like it. It’s making me smile right now.

“What only real is Now.”- yes, true, very true. Thank you!

Hello Thomas:

“If a person experiences one’s Buddha nature then it is possible to realize that people are from a common essence. Like people are from the same source of water. When we fall back into the source, we are just water.”-

The reality of water contamination comes to mind. Better not drink contaminated water and get sick. I did, almost died of dysentery as a baby. I survived only for my mind to be contaminated by a different kind of water..

But to focus on positivity, yes, let’s focus on Buddha nature which starts with do- no- harm.

🤍🌿 Anita

And again, Tee, I regret the pain I caused you. I never want this to happen again, and it will not. I promise!

Dear Tee:

* I am adding this comment after hours of typing this message. There’s a lot here. I would understand, of course, if it’s too long or too much. I don’t expect you to attend to everything that I share, or to use too much of your time and energy. I am grateful for any time you invest in communicating with me and trying to help me. *

It occurred to me, as I was reading your post right above, that it feels like I am in a therapy session (where you are my therapist), first time I feel this way in my over ten years of participation in the forums, and it’s a good feeling. (Last time I had a therapy session was on Aug 2013).

I think that this post will be very long because I would like to squeeze as much therapy as I can get from your post right above. I hope it’s okay with you.. I think it is.

First, before getting to the computer this morning, thoughts crossed my mind: maybe the opening of my last post to you (“Hi Dear Tee”) would annoy you. Maybe it was disrespectful because your opening was “Hi Anita” and adding the “Dear” was wrong of me. When I read the opening of your post, I felt a relief.

As I went on reading about “the protector” (a new term for me, one that you introduced to me yesterday)-

.. Just as I typed the above, I got worried, thinking: * “Tee may have introduced the term in posts to other members and I failed to notice.. Tee will get angry that you missed this term.. * I then deleted the “one that you introduced to me..”, covering my tracks (Then retyped it)

Back to earlier, when I got to the “protector part”, I didn’t understand and thought that I might disagree with what you were saying. Here’s the thought that occurred to me then: * “Just tell Tee that you agree with her on this point, so that she won’t get angry” *

Processing the above: I never knew what would make my mother (I’d like to refer to her as M) angry at me. It could be anything, I had no way of knowing. Could be a word I said, a word I didn’t say, an expression on my face, could be a thought she said I had which I didn’t have. She’d tell me what I was thinking (theme: thoughts about hurting her feelings) and when I tried to assure her that I wasn’t thinking that, she’d passionately argue that I was planning to hurt her feelings.. weeks or months in advance.. and no way to convince her otherwise.

And every time I was thinking wrong (so she said), saying wrong, not saying right, etc., there was hell to pay: long, elaborate sessions of shaming (the most painful), guilt-tripping and at least some of the times, hitting. She’d stop only when she was physically exhausted, not before.

So, yes, hypervigilant, afraid to say-not say- feel-not feel-think.. wrong. I noticed much improvement in this regard in the last year or two. But today, these scared, hypervigilant thoughts occurred because I felt helped by you, I felt a softening.. being on the receiving end of something good.. But being on the receiving end means being afraid of receiving something bad.

But what do I really have to fear with you, Tee..? You won’t hit me (no hand coming out of the computer screen to punch me), and no.. you will not shame me, I am quite sure of it (I typed “quite” because I am not absolutely sure). But.. no, you won’t shame me for being vulnerable here.

M is far, far away. She doesn’t live within you. She is not you. You are not her.

And now, to the second reading of your post:

“.. I remember you said you let her clothe you and bathe you even in your teenage years. And now you say you let her hit you till you were in your early 20s.”- yes, zero, or just about zero agency.

“I’d say I wasn’t that resigned/subdued/helpless physically, however I felt like that emotionally and mentally, because I believed her criticism of me, her view of me (that I was worthless, not good enough, even a creep).”-

I read you sharing this over the years (but not sure if you used the word “creep” before, but some word like that). I am taking a few moments this quiet morning to let this sink in.. how you felt back then, feeling empathy for Tee the .. worthy, good-enough girl.

(I just got worried that what I typed right above will make you uncomfortable.. angry..)

“My attempts to resist her qualifications of me – at least those that I am consciously aware of – only started in my early 30s…There was a certain spite in that voice (“I’ll show you, just you wait!”). I was dreaming of doing something big, becoming very successful – there was a lot of grandeur in that voice. I remember you too said you were dreaming of becoming a world renowned dancer or performer, right?”-

Yes, big time daydreaming, dancer, movie star.. someone otherwise famous all over the world.

“That part of me belonged to my ego, and it tried to compensate for my feelings of worthlessness. So it had to achieve something extraordinary, something that figuratively speaking the entire world would get to see and admire.”- I could have written this.

(I just got worried that you may feel offended that I am not quoting everything you said, such as what comes after “and admire”, fearing that you will feel dismissed that I am not quoting everything.. And then I argued with myself: her words are in her post, it’d be stupid of me to copy everything.)

“Right, you were punished for trying to defend yourself and prove that you didn’t mean anything bad. And so you’ve realized after a while that there is no point in trying to defend yourself, because it will only make things worse. But the anger remained in you. You said you sometimes did give her an angry stare, right? Perhaps that was the only outward expression of anger that you sometimes dared to express?”-

Yes, I gave her angry looks. I was angry a lot of the time and felt guilty about it. About defending myself, it hurt her if I defended myself. I had to be mute (say nothing), expressionless, just nod to what she says, look down at the floor (she liked that).

“To be or not to be?”- not to be was what pleased her.

“Hmm, I don’t think it (the “protector” part) died. Your anger remained in you, as well as your impulse to defend yourself, to prove that you’re not a bad person. But it was suppressed, at least in front of your mother.”-

This is the part I didn’t understand earlier. I’ll be trying to understand now. Yes, the anger remained in me. The “impulse to defend myself”- yes, the impulse was there, not the behavior (not actually defending myself).

To prove to her that I’m not a bad person..? Oh, I remember now.. I think I never shared this (thoughts are developing as I type): No, I didn’t want or try to prove to her that I am not a bad person, or that I am a good person. No. She needed me to be a bad person. She told me so. She said that good people fail in life and bad people are successful in life, and she wanted me to be successful (she daydreamed about being rich.. something she valued more than anything). She encouraged me to not care for people. I decided early on that being bad is the way to.. be a good daughter.

M used to admire bad women on TV (female characters in TV series who used men for their money, women who deceived and cheated for wealth), women like Alexis Carrington Colby (Joan Collins) in Dynasty, the TV series of the 80s, (she was a master manipulator who used charm, seduction, and ruthless tactics to gain power and wealth). M admired wealth more than anything, and all means (or almost all..) justify the end. I wasn’t able to copy Alexis Colby’s ways.. I was too shy, extremely shy.. painfully shy. But I thought I was supposed to.

“Perhaps later, when you moved far away from your mother, this anger got more room to be expressed? Or perhaps therapy was the first time you allowed to express it? You did start consciously expressing your anger – giving it voice – here on the forums, in your own threads. You gave yourself permission to express anger towards your mother, and you said it felt good to do it.”-

I think I expressed anger at her during those 7-step meetings I used to attend in the 90s, like “Codependent Anonymous” and “Adult children of Alcoholics” which was open to adult children of abusive parents, not necessarily alcoholics. Not in the 2011-13 therapy though, not as far as I remember. Here in my threads, particularly- yes, lots of.

“But my impression is that this anger then got stuck – because a part of you (your inner child) still didn’t feel good enough. A part of you still believed your mother, even if another part – your adult self – stopped believing her. As a result, you still had the need to prove that you’re not bad, and you would get angry if you perceived that someone believes you’re bad.”-

“a part of you still believed your mother”- she gave me conflicting messages: * be a bad woman (use men for money, manipulate, deceive them through sex and such)*, and *sex is very shameful*, * be a good daughter, * be a bad person*, * submit to me, manipulate/ dominate others, etc., etc. Too much.

What I am realizing today as a result of this exchange, is that my mother held an admiration for bad people, aggressors. I remember her defending a violent criminal of some sort, don’t remember who, having empathy for that person. She didn’t value or admire good, mild people with good hearts. She valued the luxury that lots of money affords.

“In other words, your angry protector part felt the need to protect you from your mother’s unfair accusations – because a part of you still believed them. At least that’s my impression of what was going on here on the forums, in some of the exchanges. To use your own words, in the past you went “belly up” when faced with abuse (real abuse). And now, you chose to defend yourself – but from the angry protector part – when faced with real or perceived abuse.”-

What comes to my mind at this time is the issue of cognitive clarity. What was going on here, on the forums this summer, is that I felt that my mental clarity (which I worked so hard for, for so long) was under attack, that I was told that I was thinking wrong, understanding wrong, that I was invalidated, misunderstood.. and on purpose.

It wasn’t true. It just felt that way.

I can’t tell you how painful it’s been to be lost in confusion for so long. Anytime I felt my desperately needed clarity was in danger.. it was like a existential threat to me. And when felt threatened, I got hostile.

I will stop here. I feel drained, very tired, teary eyed at the moment.

“And no, it’s not heavy for me at all. I like to talk about and better understand our psychological defenses (both mine and those of other people), and so I’m happy that we can have this conversation. 🙏 I hope it is not heavy for you though? If it is, let me know…”-

Heavy it is, but it’s good for me. I am grateful to you, Tee. 🙏 🤍 🫶

Anita

Dear Nichole:

You wrote yesterday: “I very much like you too Anita. Your wisdom and attention to my life story has been a beautiful introduction to this friendship.”-

This was so beautiful to read, so beautiful that I needed a break from that beauty.. you know.. like something too good to be true..?

I am so used to negativity, that a dose of positivity.. of love, overwhelmed me.. a bit.

Let us be friends, Nichole, let us be in each other’s life on a regular basis. Let’s help each other.

I am here.

🤍🌿 Anita