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anita
Participant* There seems to be a confusion, red wine being involved in the above mix… oopsie. Don’t know how it came about, but who is paying attention, anyone, lol. Be back sober.
Anita
anita
ParticipantExcuse the mix there, some red wine involved in the above.. time to go to bed, lol
anita
ParticipantGuess who is LOUDER than loud this Wed night? The birds, vocal, loud, alive!
And so am I. ALIVE.
The Energy-in-Motion Moving through me.
It’s moving through the birds outside, same E-motion.
I had a real-life conversation a moment ago, and ANGER exploded within me. I expressed it, honoring it, and yet, not in any disrespectful, abusive way.
And then I suppressed it, because too much expression would be.. too much.
It takes skill to know when and how much to express. I am getting good at it. I am learning.
9pm, no sign of darkness.
I heard it’d be clouded tomorrow. I wonder if it means there’ll be fewer insects to bite me- too many bites on my arms and legs.
9:30 pm. Less light, still light, birds still singing, chirping. Soon they will be quiet and I will miss them until they return very early Thursday morning.
9:40 pm, getting darker, can’t hear birds over YouTube music.
Music in Hebrew.
You know the word for “love” in Hebrew? It’s “Ahava”.
So little of it, too little in Hebrew and in English.
Who might be reading this in the whole-wide-world? Maybe Alessa, maybe Peter.. maybe Tommy.
And no one else.
Still, it being a public forum, the only one I participate in, I keep hoping someone else may be reading, listening. Hoping that someone will listen. The desire to be heard!
Almost completely dark now. I will miss the birds. They are quiet now, ten minutes to 10 pm.
Still light from behind the trees.
Who is it that I want to hear me, to answer me.. who is this someone unknown..?
My mother, my old-old- dying mother?
That old, old, old dream?
That woman holding a baby (me)-
That ship has sailed.
Yet the longing of a baby..
A baby, can’t blame the baby for longing-
Longing.
Not even remembering what the longing was about, at that time of babyhood.
That longing, what was it? What is it still?
In its raw nature, what is it?
It’s a longing to..
To..
A longing of a baby to..
Can’t find the word, or words..
There is no word for a baby.
Yet, how can I express it (finally, completely dark here, 10 pm).
The longing, what is its preverbal language, what does it say???
It says: Don’t leave me! I will do anything, I will do everything.. Don’t Leave Me.
Don’t leave me all alone. Oh, please, please.. I’ll do anything, I’ll be anything.
The Deathly Fear of being Left Alone
That’s what in the core of it.
There is no intellectual, rational resolution of this fear- this deep, existential fear, of a young-one being left alone, abandoned, left to die.
Alone. ALONE.
An existential SCREAM: A L O N E
N.O.! Will do anything, be anything. Just don’t leave me.
Past 10 pm, quiet and dark.
Anita
Finally, COMPLETELY DARK at 10:35 pm, Wed night, what a relief. Now I can join the birds in complete SILENCE. No birds sounds.. till the morrow.
anita
ParticipantGuess who is LOUDER than loud this Wed night? The birds, vocal, loud, alive!
And so am I. ALIVE.
The Energy-in-Motion Moving through me.
It’s moving through the birds outside, same E-motion.
I had a real-life conversation a moment ago, and ANGER exploded within me. I expressed it, honoring it, and yet, not in any disrespectful, abusive way.
And then I suppressed it, because too much expression would be.. too much.
It takes skill to know when and how much to express. I am getting good at it. I am learning.
9pm, no sign of darkness.
I heard it’d be clouded tomorrow. I wonder if it means there’ll be fewer insects to bite me- too many bites on my arms and legs.
9:30 pm. Less light, still light, birds still singing, chirping. Soon they will be quiet and I will miss them until they return very early Thursday morning.
9:40 pm, getting darker, can’t hear birds over YouTube music.
Music in Hebrew.
You know the word for “love” in Hebrew? It’s “Ahava”.
So little of it, too little in Hebrew and in English.
Who might be reading this in the whole-wide-world? Maybe Alessa, maybe Peter.. maybe Tommy.
And no one else.
Still, it being a public forum, the only one I participate in, I keep hoping someone else may be reading, listening. Hoping that someone will listen. The desire to be heard!
Almost completely dark now. I will miss the birds. They are quiet now, ten minutes to 10 pm.
Still light from behind the trees.
Who is it that I want to hear me, to answer me.. who is this someone unknown..?
My mother, my old-old- dying mother?
That old, old, old dream?
That woman holding a baby (me)-
That ship has sailed.
Yet the longing of a baby..
A baby, can’t blame the baby for longing-
Longing.
Not even remembering what the longing was about, at that time of babyhood.
That longing, what was it? What is it still?
In its raw nature, what is it?
It’s a longing to..
To..
A longing of a baby to..
Can’t find the word, or words..
There is no word for a baby.
Yet, how can I express it (finally, completely dark here, 10 pm).
The longing, what is its preverbal language, what does it say???
It says: Don’t leave me! I will do anything, I will do everything.. Don’t Leave Me.
Don’t leave me all alone. Oh, please, please.. I’ll do anything, I’ll be anything.
The Deathly Fear of being Left Alone
That’s what in the core of it.
There is no intellectual, rational resolution of this fear- this deep, existential fear, of a young-one being left alone, abandoned, left to die.
Alone. ALONE.
An existential SCREAM: A L O N E
N.O.! Will do anything, be anything. Just don’t leave me.
Past 10 pm, quiet and dark.
Anita
anita
Participant“What would such a dance look like to you?”-
The suppressing part and the expressing part move together in harmony—one moment, the waves recede (suppression), creating space for stillness and reflection. Another moment, the waves rise and crash (expression), bringing release and transformation. Both are necessary; neither is wrong.
I used to think in black-and-white terms—all-or-nothing, THIS or THAT. While there are situations when that kind of thinking is functional, most situations are complex, and rigid duality distorts reality, and acting on it often leads to harm.
It’s only recently that I’ve begun to see shades of gray, nuance, and color—a shift. And you, Peter, have been part of that shift in me.
Anita
anita
ParticipantI am looking forward to reading and replying to you, Peter, tonight or tomorrow morning 😊
anita
ParticipantDear Tommy:
I, for one, appreciate your reflections on the nature of this forum. While it may not strictly follow Buddhist teachings, I think you captured its essence well—it’s a space where people seek understanding, connection, and emotional support.
I agree that wisdom, as the Buddha would define it, is about guiding people toward growth rather than simply offering sympathy. At the same time, compassion itself has its own power—sometimes, just knowing someone is listening can be enough to help people take their next steps.
It’s always meaningful when discussions encourage reflection and understanding, and I value the perspectives shared here. 💛
Anita
June 11, 2025 at 11:56 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #446748anita
ParticipantDear Robi,
(I’ve highlighted certain words in uppercase to emphasize your own reflections.)
June 8-10, 2018: “I still feel uncomfortable around them and I still don’t feel CONNECTION. Knowing this now makes me feel a little hopeless, to be honest. Feels big and hard to deal with… I guess I never felt very CLOSE to my parents. I was very attached to them as a child (very young, barely remember something), but as I grew up, I started liking them less and less—to the point of being against them when it comes to pretty much everything… I used to minimize whatever was happening on my computer every time they entered the room. I don’t know why… Maybe I was trying to keep something for myself.”
December 7, 2018: *”My parents really seem to be… BORING AND BORED. They have been like that pretty much since I can remember. My father… was never involved in anything. He never did sports, never had hobbies outside of work, never seemed to have much content… He was just sitting around. He never encouraged me to do any sports or learn any skills. He never encouraged me to help others. He always told me to STAY AWAY and mind my own business…
My mom had more of an adventurous spirit… I would describe both of them as anxious and DISCONNECTED. MY FATHER NEVER MADE EYE CONTACT WITH ME. They’ve been sitting around, looking at others enjoying their lives, accepting this role of being observers—daring perhaps, but inactive. I guess they chose the simple but, as you said, minimal and unfulfilling way.
And that is definitely not the way I want my journey to be.”
June 11, 2025: “Escapism is still here—in different forms, but still present. These days, I’ve been obsessing over getting the right sunglasses… I’ve spent almost a month researching, trying on, ordering, sending back. I felt like if I don’t ‘solve’ this, I cannot move on. I’ve spent countless hours looking at reviews and overthinking whether I should get Ray-Bans or Persols…
My parents have always been like that, and I used to notice it. The thing is, I didn’t know it was emotional suppression I was noticing. What I saw was DISCONNECTION from others and THE LACK OF CONNECTION between them. I often felt they acted stiff and uncomfortable around each other. Myself included.
My mother hasn’t been fine recently… She’s having both breathing and heart problems, and she has to sleep wearing an oxygen mask. It does hurt me. It really does. For years, I’ve been afraid her situation would get worse—and I see that it is. Both of them are slowly declining. She will have to lose weight and start eating better, and I want to try to help her.
I found a horizontal bicycle for her, and my dad and I will pick it up on our way back from the airport. I’m a certified personal trainer after all… so I do know a thing or two about losing weight and eating well. I can try. I know this might not change anything… but I have to try.
I sometimes tell myself it’s okay. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I don’t take any drugs, and I don’t stuff myself with food. Of course, it’s not ideal, but I’m not willing to numb myself with alcohol or anything else—so if I had to choose, I guess I’ll go with the Persols. But maybe I can do better than that still.”—
At the core of Robi1992 is a boy who loves his mother, a boy who loves his father, a boy who suffered DISCONNECTION and the emotional isolation that came with it. A boy who wants so badly to help his parents CONNECT—to each other and to him.
This is a core experience that needs to be grieved, because there is nothing you can do—nothing you could ever have done—to change the disconnection you were born into. It was NOT your fault. It was none of your doing.
Your preoccupation with sunglasses—the buying, returning, researching—is a process you can control. It creates structure when other areas of life, especially your relationships with your parents and their relationship with each other, are entirely outside your control. The sunglasses are a compulsive distraction—a way to avoid deeper emotional processing of the DISCONNECTION you were born into.
But here’s the truth: You were powerless over that disconnection then. Any child in your place would have been. And grieving that powerlessness is how you begin to claim power over what is available to you now.
I also want to share something that might offer some comfort: I know two people in real life who sleep with oxygen masks every night. One is a 62-year-old woman who has been using hers for years and remains in good overall health. The other is a 76-year-old man who wears his oxygen mask every night and never goes anywhere without it. He has lived this way for decades—still socializing, engaging with others, and finding moments of joy in life.
Sending you warmth, Robi. 💛
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tom:
Thanks for the update—it’s great to hear that your first call with the NHS is scheduled. I hope it gives you some clarity and helpful next steps.
Stepping into unfamiliar situations—especially with little to no guidance—can feel overwhelming. It’s natural to crave structure, clear expectations, and reassurance before diving in. But sometimes, the best way to understand a situation is to fully experience it—observing, adapting, and responding in real time, taking it one step at a time. It’s about relaxing as much as possible, trusting yourself, and embracing the learning process.
Wishing you a smooth trip, and I look forward to hearing how everything goes—both the work event and your NHS call. Take care!
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear me 🙁:
I remember when you first started this thread almost 11 months ago, sharing about your father’s diagnosis in July 2024 and the deep toll it was taking on you. You carried so much—his care, the uncertainty, the emotional exhaustion. And now, here you are, facing the moment you dreaded, the reality of his passing.
I can imagine the pain and loss you’re feeling right now. But one thing remains true—you showed up for your father through it all. The nurses said you did an amazing job, and that didn’t change. You were there for him in ways that mattered.
Before he was sedated earlier this month, you told him you loved him and apologized for anything that may have upset him. And in return, he told you he loves you—forever. That moment is so profound. It was his final reassurance to you, a love that remains beyond his passing.
It’s okay not to have answers right now, me. Grief is overwhelming, and surviving it isn’t something you have to figure out all at once. Just take things moment by moment, however you need to. You’re not alone in this. Whenever you feel like sharing, whether here on this thread or in a new one, you’re always welcome to express yourself. If it helps with your grief and recovery, know that this space is here for you.
Sending you warmth and strength. ❤️
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Suzanne:
I’m glad that Pema Chödrön’s words resonated with you in such a simple, meaningful way. It’s beautiful how something as small as a strawberry can bring a moment of hope—and remind you that you’re not alone in your feelings.
Your focus on taking care of yourself and keeping things simple sounds really wise. It’s understandable that everything feels overwhelming right now, and stepping back from certain worries for a couple of days might give you the space you need.
I appreciate you sharing this moment with us—it means a lot. And I love that you connected my words to the memory of those incredible Japanese strawberries. Sending you warmth, support, and 🍓🍓🍓🍓🍓🍓🍓.
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Peter and Everyone:
Peter, you wrote: “Over time I suspected that duality and non-duality (subject, object, particle wave) aren’t opposites to choose between, but partners in a quiet dance. Not two sides of a coin, but the coin itself.”-
Connecting this to the topic of suppressing vs expressing emotions, rather than viewing suppression as the enemy and expression as the solution, we might see them as working together—suppression allowing time to stabilize, while expression gradually leads to release and understanding.
Do you agree, Peter? Or is asking if you agree or disagree a duality to avoid?
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa and Everyone:
Alessa, you shared that you suppressed emotions to avoid feeling trauma; when you expressed emotions, you faced intense pain at first.
I shared that I suppressed emotions despite feeling good when expressing them; it was the suppression itself that was overwhelming, rather than the emotional release.
I should clarify that a few weeks ago, I brought fear into my awareness, and it was so overwhelming that I am not motivated to experience it again. The emotional release I have felt in the past—and still feel—comes from expressing other emotions, as well as fear, but only in very small amounts.
“I’m curious as to why you suppressed your emotions for so long if it felt good to express them?”- There was no one to express my emotions to—my isolation was severe. Of course, I couldn’t express them to my mother, but there was no one else, either. She isolated me, deeply distrustful of everyone (consistent with her Paranoid Personality Disorder), and instilled that same distrust in me. I learned to see everyone—cousins, neighbors, uncles, aunts—as unsafe. Any expression to people she knew came with guilt, making me feel as if I were betraying her.
So, there was truly no one to express myself to.
And then, I had tics from Tourette’s that made me hesitant to approach people, fearing rejection. Maybe my peers kept their distance because of the tics—or perhaps because they sensed my distrust and anxiety.
Nonetheless, I remember moments of exploding with joy—laughing bursts when I was a teenager. Those moments were wonderful. And the first time I truly expressed my thoughts and emotions was in college. It was to a woman who worked as a financial advisor at the college. That was a First.
Did I answer your question, Alessa? I also want to say that I appreciate your sensitivity in the way you ask me questions. ❤️
Anita
anita
ParticipantStrange, Strangely Strange.
Almost dark, almost quiet.
Listening to music I listened to last when I was a teenager.
Fast Forward, so many years lost in waiting for the “right” circumstances to start living-
Circumstances that never came to be.
I wish I stopped waiting long, long ago.
A life put on hold for too long.
I am more alive now than ever since life stopped for me.
It’s amazing, how life can stall for so may, many years, and a girl looks in the mirror and sees an old woman.
Almost 10 pm, almost dark; almost old, but .. not really. More Young than Ever.
10 pmAnita
anita
ParticipantThinking about you, me, this Tuesday night, wondering what’s happening in your life, and how you are feeling..
Anita
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