Good morning, Confused:

I hope you slept well 💤.

“People say that u seek in relationships the kind of relationship u had with ur mother, but I really dislike conflicts”-

I don’t say anything like that. I say that people with traumatic or very difficult childhoods seek to resolve early childhood conflicts in adult, romantic relationships. For example, someone with an emotionally inaccessible parent may seek a relationship with an emotionally inaccessible partner so to sort of, undo the parent’s inaccessibility, to succeed in adulthood at what one failed in childhood.

You didn’t talk much about your experience with your mother growing up (and nothing about your sisters’ experience with her), but what you shared sounds troubling. Yet it seems like you are not aware of the effects it had on you. Would you say that your experience with her harmed you in any way, and if so, how?

“At times I also felt responsible for my parents’ feelings.”- I’d be interested to read more about this point.

“I can’t remember if I ever felt like my love for her was a burden, was yours for your mother? How would you describe it?”-

Yes, it was. I would describe it as being hyper alert in regard to how she felt. If she felt okay, I was able to relax a bit; if she didn’t, I was anxious. I felt that her feeling badly was my fault. Felt lots of Guilt (with a capital G) in regard to her negative feelings. I felt that I couldn’t relax or be happy unless she was relaxed and happy first. I felt that my job in life was to make it up to her for all the sufferings she went through since her childhood.

Overall, I wasn’t free to be ME and live MY life. I was like a captive, trapped in her life, like a satellite in orbit around a planet (her).

Did you (or your sisters) experience anything like that, to any extent?

 🤍 Anita

So G.O.O.D to read from you, Confused!!!!!

Dear Alessa:

I am sorry that your son has been so sick and that understandably, it’s a difficult time for you.

You are doing your very best 👌 for him.

Sounds like it is a hour, one day, one night at a time situation 🤞

I am hoping to read about further improvements very soon!

🤍💙🙏💙🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

You shared yesterday: “I have only known how to be the one that is more invested in a relationship, never experienced the opposite. And with her I felt like I am ‘responsible’ for something fragile (her feelings and trust) and I can’t handle such pressure/responsibility (responsibilities drive me away like crazy) because eventually I was afraid I would let her down.”-

In general, when a child becomes the emotional caretaker of a parent in a family where there are chaos, conflict and emotional volatility, where a parent confides in the child about his or her marital problems, emotional distress, fears and frustrations-

…the child (not equipped to handle all that because he or she is just a child) often adapts by becoming the listener, the stabilizer, the problem‑solver, the “little adult” (role reversal) — the child takes on emotional responsibilities that belong to the parent.

Children in this situation often learn: “Love means responsibility.”, and for a child, this is TOO MUCH responsibility = Burden. The child often feels overwhelmed, pressured to “fix” things and guilty if they can’t

This can create an adult who * feels anxious when someone trusts them emotionally, * pulls away when someone gets close, * prefers to be the one giving rather than receiving, * feels undeserving or afraid of love because love feels like a burden

This is a general dynamic that many people describe. Does this resonate, Confused?

🤍 Anita

Dear Nichole:

So very, very good to read from you!

You sound healthy, mentally and emotionally, in this challenging situation.

You are wise and resilient. I am impressed by you, in awe, really!

I’ll reply further in the morning 🌄.

Good night (7:32 pm here, 10:32 pm in FL.

🤍 Anita