Dear Dafne:

“I’m starting to think that I was too naive thinking that it will be easy or will happen at this age. What shall I change in order for this to be possible?”-

I’d say: first, become very clear about your objectives, that is: what is it that you need, want & expect in a relationship.

This way, you can be in the center of your story, you make the rules in regard to your life.

I hope I’m making sense (Am I, Dafne? I spent more than 4 hours straight in front of the computer.. tired 😩)

Not too tired to send you a virtual 🤗.

🌿 Anita

Dear Tom:

“I don’t feel like anyone ever made an effort with me and perhaps I haven’t also.”- what if you make a couple of small efforts this week to connect with just two people in this big team..?

If the efforts fail, you’ve lost nothing; if they succeed, you may gain a bit of something important: a moment of belonging, of companionship 🫱🫲

What do you think, Tom?

🌿🤍 Anita

Dear GoingThroughLife:

Again, thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me 🙏

“I wanted a pure relationship with less wound exposure.”- what a positively interesting way to say it, a pure relationship with less wound exposure.. original wording.

I am glad that you are receiving emotional support from your mother and from your older sister.

“Anita, I ask your help in this change, not from a perspective from focusing on the past, but on the present and the future. I need your guidance Anita.”- I feel honored that you are asking me for guidance 😊

And I acknowledge and respect your need that I focus on the present and the future, and not on your childhood.

I just went over (again) our communication since Jan 2024. You shared about 4 romantic relationships: Sofi (2019, when you started college- Oct 2020), SK (Nov 2020-2023), EN (Sept 2023-..Dec 2023, mostly long-distance), SS (Feb 2023- Sept 25).

What stood out to me this morning is what you wrote on Jan 30, 2024:”Even now when I think someone will love me I will end up pushing them away. I’m scared of that deep commitment. I was not scared when I started it with SK, but with time I guess the thought of settling down made me scared.”, as well as what you wrote on June 3, 2024: “I think besides feelings I’m starting to get attached to SS which I’m not keen of. I was never attached to EN.”-

I think that it’s safe to say that you desire a stable, loving connection with a woman.

But will it also be true to say that once you feel something stable and loving (which you need and desire), you also feel trapped and need to escape?

Commitment to a stable, loving relationship = trap ?

In regard to the career topic, you wrote 2 days ago: “I am not able to stick to do one thing, which may make me a jack of all trades, but not a master of one.”-

Commitment to a stable job/ trade= trap ?

I hope that these questions are not too distressing for you to consider..? Please let me know, I am concerned.

🤍🌿 Anita

It means a lot to me, Going Through Life, to read your kind words, your open heart.. thank you..!!!

I will write more Mon morning (It’s Sun night here)

🌿 Anita

I know you are charming, me! I’ve known it all along. I have no doubt that you are charming irl 😊.

I’ll write more Mon morning!

🌿 Anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You wrote yesterday, “Yes, we can focus on career and future if possible for now. I guess I never believe in myself and have faith, that things would work out. I am not able to stick to do one thing, which may make me a jack of all trades, but not a master of one. I haven’t found my passion and in just pursuing anything just for the money in it. This kind of confusion spells over to my life’s other aspects too”-

I just went over your thread. We mostly talked about the romantic relationships in your life, and now (right above), a bit about your work life. But we talked only a bit about your home life with your parents. This is my understanding this morning:

On Jan 29, 2024, you shared among other things, about having been bullied at school, and about your mother being always depressed and crying a lot when you were growing up- these experiences injured you emotionally, creating emotional wounds, so to speak (would have happened to any child in your place).

These wounds are painful to attend to, distressing.. who wants to attend to something that’s causing distress..?

Thing is (and again, it is my understanding), what happens when you don’t attend to these wounds, a whole part of you is being sort of dormant, or numb.. like passion in regard to work, not knowing what would bring you passion.

To know yourself more, it takes attending to those wounds: to look at them closer, to understand, to increase awareness, and in so doing, to reconnect with the parts of you that are dormant, and to calm the parts that are overly reactive (like the part that wants to take revenge, yesterday)

Any romantic relationship (with a decent woman)- will be positively different if wounds are attended to.

It’s not that you are broken and need fixing, Going Through Life.. it’s that what is true for everyone is also true for you: early life emotional wounds need to be attended to for the purpose of healing and recovery.

Again, I know how difficult it’d be. You said you tried therapy, but it didn’t help.. right?

🌿 Anita

Nine years, my goodness! And we are on the same time zone, Sat 11:43 pm, isn’t it? Back to you in the morning.

me- so good to read from you again! Not focused now, Sat night, will get back to you Sun.

🌿 Anita