Dear Clara:

I am sorry that your mother suffers from dementia, and that you suffer too.

“she laughed and realized she didn’t notice me“- I wonder if she laughed because she was trying to make light of it, so that you will not be upset, or perhaps she was embarrassed (?)

Interesting, the title of your thread is “Taking a break“- in regard to the break from your girlfriend. Your mother had a break from registering that you were there at the dinner table (twice), and then you “had another break down” at the hotel.

We experience breaks from people while being physically close to them, like your mother not recognizing you while you were there at the dinner table with her, and you and your girlfriend experienced breaks in the relationship while still living together, before the current physical break.

It is important to be connected and remain connected to people we care about, as much as possible. What had caused me to have breaks with people, has been my judgmental, quick to anger attitude and tendency. This is why I practice what I suggested for you to do in my previous post: shift from judgment to empathy.

It’s late at night where you’re at. I hope that you are sleeping or are about to sleep restfully following crying like a baby. If not, and otherwise, please feel free to post anytime, to use your thread as a journal and a place to communicate with us here.

anita

Dear Harry:

“I don’t kiss her back throughout all of this as I know it’s wrong, but I pull her on top of me and we begin to have sex“- it’s interesting how you equated kissing with being emotional, yet having sex was purely physical and instinctual. Not surprising, as this is how it is in the animal world, and humans are animals. Most women (I think) tend to experience having sex as something personal and emotional; most men- like other mammalian males- tend to experience having sex as something strictly physical and instinctual.

“This feels like a fairy tale“- real life is not a fairy tale, is it. Not outside our imaginations.

“I tell the Australian girl. She’s devastated…  Last weekend I realise I hadn’t told her the full truth and felt intense guilt again and told her“- you shouldn’t have, definitely not the 2nd time. It may have temporarily  relieved you from guilt, but it hurt her.

“We wake up Monday morning and suddenly, I don’t feel the same as I did before… I overthink a lot… Do you know what I can do?“- think it, but don’t overthink it. The more you overthink, the more you over-feel badly and then spread the misery around (Ex., confessing to her). Think effectively, that is, look for real solutions to real problems.

Did you ever try to hold water in your hands, to keep water in your hands? Doesn’t work, does it? Same with keeping emotions in your mind and heart. Relax your mind, and emotions will settle; overthink and stress, and your emotions go haywire.

anita

Dear Clara

(Do you prefer to be addressed as Chau or Clara?)

In my first quality psychotherapy, the therapist’s priority was to have me practice emotion regulation skills because intense emotions sort of hold a person hostage and prevent reasonable behavior, learning and making progress. He used to send me links to Mark William’s mindfulness meditations audios (he’s a mindfulness expert of sorts in Oxford University). There are mindfulness themed guided meditations available online, audios and videos. Listening/ watching a few you like (one at a time) during the day, and/ or at bedtime is one emotion regulation practice.

Another is daily exercise, particularly the aerobic kind (fast walking is what I do), another is yoga, and/ or Tai Chi (the latter, a slow-motion martial art form does wonders when it comes to slowing down the brain).

Another is the practice of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): you identify the thought or thoughts behind an intense emotion  that took over you, write it down, and examine it: is it true? is it untrue? After correcting an untrue/ distorted thought, the intense feeling calms down.

There are many books, handbooks and online resources on emotion regulation (and on CBT) with exercises and suggestions. Googling just now, Master Your Emotions: A Practical Guide To Overcome Negativity And Better Manage Your Feelings reads like a promising title.

anita

Dear Carol:

You are welcome! I can see how happy you were when your friend texted you this morning, and I understand that you appreciate the 2-3 times that she helped you with advice in the past year, once replying to you very quickly. (I am sorry to read that your sister was sexually assaulted).

I hope that your bus ride was smooth, and I am looking forward to your next post.

anita

Dear Clara:

I believe it’s Thurs 10:48 am where you’re at, Wed 7:48 pm here. Have a good day, Clara and post again anytime. I’m here.

anita

Dear Clara:

This, right now, is an opportunity for you to rise above fear and suspicion, a weak state of mind, to => courage and trust (in you), a strong state of mind. Abandon the weakness, embrace Strength, strength now (not when/ if she’s back to you sometime in the future).

Now, as it is, as things are.

anita

Dear Clara/ Chau:

“The issue is how to catch myself when I want to overreach and blame her“- since this has been my behavior (!) I came up with the NPARR strategy: when I Notice increased stress within me, I Pause (I don’t say or do anything), I Address the situation; is there a situational problem that needs to be solved, or is the problem bad programming on my part/ distorted thinking that needs to be corrected,; is there a different way to view the situation? then Respond-or-not: say, type, do, or not, and lastly: Redirect: redirect  distorted thinking => correct, balanced thinking; judgment => empathy.

“I am also feeling insecure that she will only want to break up with me, which is entirely possible. Although we did say this is a ‘break’ hoping for a restart, not a ‘break up’“- you are suspicious of her, aren’t you (that’s why she had to tiptoe around you)? How about Redirecting your judgment of her (as a suspect) => empathy for her. Think of what she may be feeling right now, her hurt, her despair perhaps. Operate out of Empathy for her.

anita