Dear Peter:

You are welcome, and I am looking forward to reading and processing your most recent pos Thurs morning.

anita

Dear Peter:

You wrote yesterday: “I think, as you noted, the notion of understanding excites me and doing so keeps its at arms length. There is a part of me that wants to ‘believe’ what I believe but another that is afraid. Its clear I use ‘seeking’ to protect me finding”-

– You use the act of seeking as a protective mechanism: by continuously searching for understanding, you avoid the more unsettling reality of actually finding and accepting deeper truths. This perpetual state of seeking allows you to maintain a sense of safety and control, while keeping the transformative impact of true understanding at bay.

This internal conflict highlights the delicate balance between the desire for growth and the fear of the changes it might bring.

Change is intimidating when it forces us out of our comfort zones and challenges our established ways of thinking and living. Seeking and finding deeper truths can lead to uncharted territories, where old beliefs are dismantled and new, unfamiliar perspectives are adopted. It requires letting go of the familiar and embracing the unknown.

Finding and accepting truths often involves confronting aspects of ourselves that we prefer to avoid. This could include acknowledging past mistakes, confronting deep-seated fears, or recognizing personal limitations and flaws. Such self-confrontation is emotionally unsettling.

You might be afraid of the responsibility that comes with acting on these truths: making difficult decisions and taking actions that align with these new understandings. You might be afraid of not being able to live up to the expectations set by these new truths, or failing to make the necessary changes effectively.

Our beliefs and understandings are a core part of our identity. Discovering and accepting new truths can feel like a threat to this identity, leading to a fear of losing a sense of self.

In essence, your fear stems from the potential upheaval that comes with truly finding and accepting deeper truths. The process of seeking feels safer and more controlled, allowing you to keep these unsettling realities at arm’s length. By staying in a state of seeking, you can avoid fully confronting these fears and the changes they might necessitate.

James Clear in Atomic Habits:

“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become”- instead of desiring change and creating conflict, focus on small actions that align with your desired identity. This shifts the focus from wanting change to actively embodying it in the present.

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems”- reduce the conflict by creating systems (habits and routines) that support your desired changes. This way, change becomes a part of your routine rather than a constant source of tension.

“Goals are good for setting a direction, but systems are best for making progress”- progress comes from consistent actions and systems, not from a constant desire for change. This alleviates the inner conflict by focusing on the process.

“Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement”- embrace small, consistent habits that lead to growth over time, rather than being in conflict with the desire for immediate change.

“All big things come from small beginnings. The seed of every habit is a single, tiny decision”- start with small decisions that align with your desired state, reducing the internal struggle by focusing on manageable steps.

“When you fall in love with the process rather than the product, you don’t have to wait to give yourself permission to be happy”- find joy in the journey itself, which helps to end the conflict between where you are and where you want to be.

“You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current results”- focus on your direction and long-term growth, rather than being caught up in immediate outcomes and creating conflict within yourself.

By letting go of the dependency on outcomes and embracing the process, you can end the duality of form (physical results) and formless (internal state).

Every significant achievement begins with a single decision and small steps. You can start with small actions that align with your desired change. Each small decision can build momentum, transforming over time into significant growth.

Finding joy and satisfaction in the journey, rather than waiting for the end result, is the way of progress. If you enjoy the process, you’ll be more motivated, regardless of the outcome.

anita

Dear Julie:

I am looking forward to attentively read what you shared, and reply Wed morning (Tues eve here).

Anita

Dear Peter:

“In my old journal writings, I also noted that I would try to do no harm. Next to it was a thought that if wisdom teaching weren’t leading a person towards compassion they were on the wrong track. I feel we are on the good track”- the commitment to do no harm suggests an intention to lead a life guided by kindness, ethical behavior, and a desire to avoid causing pain or suffering to others.

Alongside your commitment to do no harm, you had the realization that true wisdom teachings should lead a person towards compassion. In other words, any philosophical or spiritual teachings that do not foster compassion and empathy are misguided or incomplete. For you, the essence of true wisdom involves nurturing a compassionate heart.

* An example of a philosophical teaching that does not foster compassion for others is Objectivism where compassion for others is not a primary ethical consideration, and acts of compassion are only encouraged if they align with one’s own rational self-interest.

I agree with you, Peter, and I am glad that we are on the right track.

“Over the last week I’ve falling into the shadows feeling stuck. Going over the post in this thread I wrote the following… A part of me still attached to the original shame that I’m bad… A shame reinforced by the retelling of old stories… One might wonder if I’m out to punish myself and so deserve even seek out the shadows… oh”-

– the retelling of these stories triggers a deep sense of shame that is still attached to the stories you tell about your past experiences. You reflect on the possibility that you might be unconsciously punishing yourself by continually revisiting these painful memories. You question whether you deserve to seek out the shadows, indicating a possible belief that you are somehow deserving of this suffering. In other words, by repeatedly telling yourself these negative stories, you might be perpetuating a cycle of self-punishment and keeping yourself stuck in a negative emotional state. You recognize the destructive nature of this cycle but is struggling to break free from it.

“Unskillful reasons I retell and hold onto my stories of hurt? I re-tell my stories in the hopes that by retelling them I can change them. I re-tell my stories with a thought that I need to hold onto the hurt to maintain boundaries. I re-tell my stories as away to imagine I’m hurting those that hurt me. I re-tell my stories to punish myself”-

– You believe that holding onto the hurt helps you maintain boundaries. This implies that the pain from past experiences serves as a protective mechanism, preventing you from getting too close to others and potentially being hurt again. However, this strategy also isolate you and hinders the formation of healthy relationships.

You imagine that by retelling your stories, you are somehow hurting those who hurt you. This reveals a desire for retribution or justice, that reliving the pain allows you to take back some power, but in reality, it perpetuates the cycle of suffering.

While the retelling of stories might provide temporary comfort or a sense of control, they ultimately keep you trapped in a cycle of pain and prevent healing and growth.

“As we have explored we have noticed, if only peripherally, the Eternal. Realizing the relationship between the temporal and eternal is the sense of life. This realization itself isn’t hope but that the realization is possible maybe…”- if you see Peter from the Eternal perspective”-

– From the Temporal viewpoint, your identity is heavily defined by your past actions and experiences, leading to a narrow and often harsh self-judgment. This perspective lacks a sense of compassion and forgiveness for yourself. From the Eternal perspective, your inherent worth and value as a human being is untouched by your past mistakes or experiences, and therefore, you are deserving of love and compassion.

From the Eternal viewpoint, your true essence is not defined by your temporal struggles but by timeless truths such as your capacity for growth, resilience, and transformation, healing and evolving beyond your past. The Eternal perspective is compassionate. It recognizes that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes, but these do not diminish our worth. It encourages self-forgiveness and a deeper connection to universal principles such as love, empathy, and interconnectedness. Embracing the Eternal perspective can help us move beyond self-judgment and shame, and towards a more balanced and loving understanding of ourselves.

“So, the question is. How do we go from ‘knowing’ to living and resting in what we have learned?”- knowing + self compassion and forgiveness = living and resting in what we have learned.

“I think I’m asking why do I continue to fall into shadow?”- I think that it is Shame who is tripping you, again and again, causing you to fall.

“How is it we see but do not see?”- There are moments when we see and rejoice, hopeful, in what we see. We see bright blue, open skies. But then Shame- like a dark cloud- obscures the sunlight and we can’t see.

“To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead, you relax, and float.”― Alan Watts”-

– Just as trying to grab hold of the water while swimming can cause you to sink, clinging to Shame keeps you stuck in a cycle of negative emotions. Letting yourself to float can be a metaphor for releasing the grip of shame and trusting in your inherent worth. Overcoming shame involves trusting that you are enough as you are, without needing to prove your worth or relive past mistakes. It’s about allowing yourself to be carried by the current of self-compassion and acceptance. It’s about being gentle with yourself and accepting that you are human, deserving of love and forgiveness, leading to a sense of inner peace.

It’s about moving beyond the shadows of shame and finding lightness in self-acceptance.

After I started this post, Peter, I noticed that you submitted 2 new posts. I want to respond to them in this reply, connecting them to the topic of Shame:

(1) Your post before last: About Frodo and Sam: Frodo’s journey is marked by carrying a heavy burden—the One Ring. This burden parallels the weight of shame that you feel, seems to me. Just as the ring weighs on Frodo, shame weighs on you, affecting your ability to fully engage with life. Frodo’s inability to destroy the ring can be seen as a metaphor for the difficulty of overcoming deep-seated shame.

Frodo’s experiences, including the loss of his parents and the hardships of his quest, took a toll on his youthful innocence. Similarly, your past experiences and the shame attached to them eroded your sense of self-worth and innocence (the reason why it was difficult for you to accept the compliment “cute”, which implies youthful innocence).

“I think I saw Sam as the Hero because I wanted to be him. To emerge from the quest with the kind wise innocence needed to continue to engage in life after all the hardships. In hindsight it makes sense to me that I saw Frodo as failing and Sam as the hero. I wanted to be Sam and knew I wasn’t.”-

– It seems that your admiration for Sam and your perception of Frodo’s struggle resonate deeply with your own experiences. You see Sam as the hero because he embodies the qualities you aspire to: emerging from hardships with a kind and wise innocence, able to re-engage with life despite the challenges he faced.

Your wish to be like Sam reflects a longing to move beyond the weight of shame and fully embrace life. However, the acknowledgment that you see yourself more as Frodo, who carries a profound burden and finds it hard to re-engage with life, highlights the impact of your shame. This contrast between Sam and Frodo mirrors your inner struggle, as I see it: on one hand, you desire to be free from the shadows of shame and to engage with life as Sam does. On the other hand, you feel the persistent weight of shame, similar to Frodo’s burden, which hinders your ability to fully re-engage.

(2) Your most recent post: your references Krishnamurti’s argument, as I see it, expresses that a desire to overcome shame creates internal conflict, the shame becomes more entrenched as you try to force change.

You draw a parallel to Frodo’s inability to destroy the ring, suggesting that some burdens (like shame) are not for us to forcefully change or eliminate. Instead, they must be processed in their own time and space. This relates to the notion that overcoming shame requires patience, acceptance, and self-compassion rather than forceful action.

You note the theme of movement arising and returning to stillness, sound to silence, and time to the eternal. This cyclical nature reflects the process of healing from shame. Just as sound arises from silence and returns to it, your emotions (including shame) arise and can return to a state of peace.

“I feel I’m being asked to trust.”- I am going to connect this sentence to what I wrote to you yesterday. I wrote: “to create a lasting change, a person has to be rewarded along the way in the context of connecting to others. For example… if you let that affection reach deeper within you, if it made you smile and feel warm inside- that’s the kind of reward I am talking about. Without such rewards along the way, there’s nothing to motivate our social nature to continue the changing.”-

– to create a lasting change and to let it happen naturally, trust is crucial, trust in at least one person who tells you (as I do now): you are a good person, Peter. You deserve peace of mind. You deserve forgiveness- your own and others’. You made mistakes, you miscalculated, but who hasn’t. It’s human to make mistakes.

As I think about my mistakes, the most regrettable ones, the ones accompanied by the most intense shame and guilt, I still regret them just as much as I regretted them before. But I know that, being unable to go back in time and change things, the shame serves no purpose (I know-know it, I see- see it). Shame doesn’t help me; it doesn’t help anyone else. So, I let it go, the shame and guilt. I let them go rationally and naturally.

Shame and guilt (referring to your yesterday quote by Alan Watts) are still present in the water in which I swim, but I don’t grab hold of them, and therefore, I don’t sink.

Shame and guilt are still there in the shadow of my life, but (using your words from yesterday), I no longer “continue to fall into shadow”.

I suppose it’s about no longer sinking, no longing falling into shame and guilt. It takes trusting at least one person outside yourself who confidently tells you that you are a good person, peter, and that it is okay- for you personally- not to sink, but to RISE; not to fall, but to STAND STRONG.

anita

* correcting myself: Problem is that as much as we want change, we also resist changing. We don’t resist change when the change is removal of pain, or when it’s pleasure that wasn’t there before. We’d welcome such change instantly! It’s change-the-verb that we resist.

anita

Dear Peter:

Quotes from my journals right here on your thread, Jan 11-29, 2025:

“Early in childhood, maybe I was six, maybe younger, don’t remember, I placed myself on hold so to accommodate my mother’s needs, as I perceived those to be. My needs became strangers to myself. The first vow I made was to be a good girl, a good daughter, so that my mother will like me. I feel like a little girl now, the girl that was put on hold for so long, too long. The denied little girl is here, typing these words: “Here I Am!”

It is only recently that I understand and practice self- compassion in the place of harsh self- criticism. This shift is a new practice for me.

I felt too guilty to become an autonomous entity, too guilty to exist outside my mother. Now, I can call it emotional enmeshment, a psychological entrapment. I craved freedom from her for more than half a century. There in the home I grew up in, there was no ME. There was ONLY her. Feeling disconnected from myself and from others was my brand of living- dying. I didn’t really know what I wanted. Had a sense of aimlessness, as if I was drifting through life without direction or meaning.

Growing up, joy and excitement were muted, absent except for when daydreaming while listening to music when I was alone. This persistent sense of disconnection led to my experience of chronic anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, physical fatigue and exhaustion on a regular basis.

Trying to fix others by excessive intellectual analysis has been an ineffective habit of mine for the longest time. People need to be given space for their emotions to breathe, so to speak, a quiet space that’s not afforded when being the recipients of noisy analyses.

I remember how difficult it was for me to make choices that were the simplest choices for other people to make, such as which flavor to choose in an ice-cream shop. I stood there in a state of analysis-paralysis because my emotions (including ice-cream flavor preference) were, like I said earlier, strangers to me.

What I understand (for the first time in my life!) is that there is a difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries are those that are based on a negative foundation, which is the ongoing, long-term emotional experience of hurt and anger. It is exhausting, and it keeps the person hurt and angry way after boundaries have been established, while the person is no longer in the situation where he/ she is disrespected or abused. It means a life filled with hurt and anger that no longer serve to establish boundaries because such have already been established.

Healthy boundaries are based on positive foundations such as self-respect, personal value, and emotional well-being, rather than negative emotions. So, what a person with healthy boundaries experiences on a long-term basis (after boundaries have been established and while they are maintained) is not hurt and anger, but self-respect and peace of mind. Ongoing, long-term, chronic hurt and anger hinder personal growth, while ongoing self-respect, self-esteem and peace of mind promote personal growth.

So, as I retell my story with the hurt and anger, with labels that maintain the hurt and anger, I hinder my personal growth. My true self is one that no longer lives under the dark cloud of hurt and anger, but one who sees the light come through and feels its warmth.

I am… I don’t have words to describe this newness of this in my mind and heart. It will take time to take it in further. Thank you is not saying enough.

Personally, I have been heavily obstructed by my past, living under a very dark cloud of past hurts, sadness and anger, jealousy and envy, a deep sense of injustice. There is no way to find light under a dark cloud (beyond a moment here, a moment there, moments far in between). Got to transcend my past, to rise above it. To experience the Eternal Now.

I was a prisoner of the same-old, same-old pain of my childhood+ for longer than half a century, frozen in place, minimal, a life suffocated by the fear of (the same childhood) pain. It’s as if I was waiting the whole time for the pain to go away so that I can stand up and dare to breathe. It never happened and I remained on the ground being stared down by the pain, so to speak, while what I needed was to stand up and look it in the eye.

Transcending the fear of pain long- term then is a shift from minimizing myself so to feel less pain => maximize myself so to better be able to endure pain and enjoy the consequence of such endurance: joy as a way of life.

This reminds me of the chest-opener positions of yoga- expanding the heart, the shoulders, the upper back, undoing the common hunching over (contracted) positions of sitting. There is a sensation of power when I do every morning. I now need to do more of it, more expansion, opening myself to the experience of life from the position of strength and hope.

By accepting both comfort and discomfort as integral parts of the human experience, individuals can develop greater resilience and emotional intelligence.

Generally, we live in the Eternal Realm and in the Temporal Realm. it is not possible to live, as humans, in one or the other. It’s about living in both.

My Hope now is to say YES to me being me, a person who is no longer primarily suppressed and repressed, but expressed according to the values I believe in (do-no-harm is one).

The tragedy that hit me and stayed persistently for decades, is the accusation that I was a bad person, and that I was a bad person from a time before I had a chance to have a say about it: a chance to correct any (what?) bad deeds. The accusation just fell from the skies (my mother= god) and crushed me for so very long.

Running through an imaginary field of green grass, the gentle sun above, a child running, falling, lying on the ground frozen in time for decades, then getting up, an older woman resuming the run across field of green grass. Perhaps briskly walking across, don’t think I can run, not like a child ca run. Too hard for my aging knees.

I think that this is what is making me a good person today: the desire and commitment to do-no-harm coupled with a desire and commitment to help- not for self-centered or selfish purposes but because of a sense of connection with other humans, as in: we are all in the same boat: when I help you, I help myself; when I help myself, I help you”.

anita

Dear anonymous:

Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m really glad the poem touched your heart.

It’s interesting how words can have such a different impact depending on their source. When they come from others, they often feel more genuine and inspiring. It’s a reminder of the power of kindness and the importance of supporting each other.

I’m grateful that you find value in the dedication I put into this page. Your appreciation means a lot to me. I’m here to read, communicate, and support in any way I can.

Take your time with the journey of self-compassion. With practice, you will become kinder and kinder to yourself. Kindness to yourself begins with allowing yourself to feel and express your emotions without judgment, accepting that it’s okay to have difficult emotions and understanding that every emotion carries a valid message in regard to what you need for your mental- emotional health.

Every emotion- while not needing to be acted upon impulsively or thoughtlessly- needs its rightful space within you, space to comfortably breathe, so to speak.

Looking forward to more meaningful exchanges with you!

anita

Dear Substantial:

Thank you for sharing more about your experiences. It’s clear that this relationship is bringing up significant anxiety and feelings of unmet needs for you. It’s good that you’ve communicated your needs to her in regard to your love language. Let’s she how she responds, if she does.

“I also want to say that having a bad childhood is not the only reason I am unhappy in the relationship, although your comment does seem to imply that. I think it is essential to consider how my girlfriend has been showing up in the relationship, too, which I find less than satisfactory”-

– I understand that having a difficult childhood is not the only factor contributing to your unhappiness in the relationship with your girlfriend. It’s important to consider both your childhood experiences and how your girlfriend is showing up in the relationship.

I want to emphasize that both aspects can be true simultaneously: your unmet needs from childhood affecting your expectations and experiences in the relationship, and at the same time, your girlfriend’s behavior being less than satisfactory and contributing to your unhappiness.

Today you shared about your father’s alcoholism and abusive behavior. Your mother endured a lot of emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse, which you witnessed. This situation caused you (and would cause any child) to feel helpless and anxious on an ongoing basis.

To help your situation- in which you found yourself through no fault of your own- and reduce your consequent anxiety, you took on the parentified role of protecting your mother, taking on responsibilities that a child is not equipped to take, neither mentally nor emotionally.

While the aim in taking on adult’s responsibilities is to lower tension in the home and consequently, lower the child’s anxiety, the responsibility of continuously managing and mitigating household tension leads to increased anxiety on the part of the child because the child is continuously vigilant and prepared for the next conflict or outburst. This state of hyper-awareness keeps the child on edge, unable to relax.

While your parentified actions may have temporarily reduced immediate tension in the home, the long-term emotional burden of parentification increased your anxiety. The constant vigilance, overwhelming responsibility, and unresolved trauma of witnessing a lot of abuse contributed to your heightened anxiety, even as you tried to create a safer environment for your mother.

Also, while some of your mother’s intentions were for your well-being, her inability to accept your “NO” and passive forcefulness into things she deemed right might have led you to feel her love was conditional, at least at times.

Currently, as an adult, you choose to live with your parents. The dynamics and tensions in the home improved, but are still there, and you continue to protect and support your mother. Living with parents is common in your country, but your reasons are deeply tied to the emotional and physical safety of your mother.

You wrote today in regard to your current anxiety in the context of living with your parents: “While my anxiety has gotten significantly less regarding these family matters, it’s not entirely gone”. A few days ago, you wrote this in regard to your anxiety in the context of your relationship with your girlfriend: “I wake up every morning extremely anxious, and it’s been ruining my sleep”. Actually, the title of your thread includes the words “Relationship Anxiety”, referring to your relationship with your girlfriend-

– it is quite common for anxiety to shift from one context to another, especially when it has its roots in early life experiences and unresolved emotional issues. The anxiety rooted in early life experiences, such as living in an abusive or unstable household, can become ingrained in a person’s emotional and psychological makeup. If these issues are not adequately addressed and healed, they can resurface in different contexts, such as romantic relationships. When faced with similar emotional triggers in a new context, such as a romantic relationship, the old anxiety resurfaces.

Based on your description of your girlfriend, she does exhibit self-centered and selfish behaviors, at least to some extent.

This is the very beginning of your original post: “I find my gf too self-centered. I don’t know how to feel about that. It seems as if she hesitates to go out of her way to do anything for me or will choose the most convenient path to please or be there for me. On the other hand, I find myself making compromises a lot to be there for her or to please her. So much so that I am completely losing myself in this relationship”-

– integrating this quote with what you shared in your 2nd post, it seems like the dynamics of your romantic relationship are mirroring the dynamics you have experienced in your relationship with your mother. This pattern can be a trigger and lead to similar feelings of anxiety, self-sacrifice, and emotional neglect.

* It’s important to recognize that people can exhibit complex and sometimes contradictory behaviors. An abused wife, like your mother, can still display self-centered or selfish behaviors, even if she is also a victim of abuse: (1) she chose to stay in an abusive relationship partly due to her fear of societal judgment and the stigma of divorce. This decision, while understandable, prioritized her fears over her son’s need for a safer and more stable environment. (2) Her emotional and financial dependence on her husband, despite his abusive behavior, might have led her to prioritize her need for his presence over her son’s well-being. (3) She struggles to accept her son’s/ your “NO” and would passively force you into things she thought were right for you and her. This behavior suggests a lack of consideration for your autonomy and preferences. By not respecting your boundaries and pushing you into actions she deemed appropriate, she exerted control over you, prioritizing her desires over your independence. (4) By not seeking external help or considering separation, she indirectly forced you to bear the emotional weight of the family’s dysfunction, prioritizing her comfort over your emotional health.

In summary: while your mother was undoubtedly a victim of abuse and faced significant challenges, her actions and decisions also exhibited self-centeredness and selfishness as she prioritized her own needs and fears, often at the expense of considering your need for safety and emotional well-being. Similarly, your girlfriend is self-centered, hesitating to go out of her way to support you and often choosing the most convenient path for herself.

As a child and onward, you felt compelled to prioritize your mother’s needs, trying to protect her and manage the household tension. As an adult, in your romantic relationship, you find yourself making numerous compromises to please your girlfriend, to the point of losing yourself in the relationship.

The self-centered behavior of your girlfriend likely triggers similar emotions and anxieties that you experienced in your childhood with your mother.

People often unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror their early experiences, even if those experiences were negative. This repetition compulsion happens because these patterns feel familiar, even if they are harmful. Recognizing that these patterns exist is a crucial first step. Understanding that your romantic relationship is triggering similar dynamics to those you experienced with your mother can provide valuable insight.

Remember, you deserve a relationship where both partners feel loved, supported, and respected. I’m here for you if you want to talk more about this.

anita