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anita

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Viewing 15 posts - 2,041 through 2,055 (of 3,592 total)
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  • in reply to: Taking a break #434340
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    You are welcome. Whenever you feel judgmental of her, shift to empathy for her.

    Whenever you feel judgmental of yourself, shift to empathy for yourself.

    anita

    in reply to: I just randomly and suddenly fell out of love #434326
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Harry:

    I don’t kiss her back throughout all of this as I know it’s wrong, but I pull her on top of me and we begin to have sex“- it’s interesting how you equated kissing with being emotional, yet having sex was purely physical and instinctual. Not surprising, as this is how it is in the animal world, and humans are animals. Most women (I think) tend to experience having sex as something personal and emotional; most men- like other mammalian males- tend to experience having sex as something strictly physical and instinctual.

    This feels like a fairy tale“- real life is not a fairy tale, is it. Not outside our imaginations.

    I tell the Australian girl. She’s devastated…  Last weekend I realise I hadn’t told her the full truth and felt intense guilt again and told her“- you shouldn’t have, definitely not the 2nd time. It may have temporarily  relieved you from guilt, but it hurt her.

    We wake up Monday morning and suddenly, I don’t feel the same as I did before… I overthink a lot… Do you know what I can do?“- think it, but don’t overthink it. The more you overthink, the more you over-feel badly and then spread the misery around (Ex., confessing to her). Think effectively, that is, look for real solutions to real problems.

    Did you ever try to hold water in your hands, to keep water in your hands? Doesn’t work, does it? Same with keeping emotions in your mind and heart. Relax your mind, and emotions will settle; overthink and stress, and your emotions go haywire.

    anita

    in reply to: Taking a break #434317
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    You are welcome and thank you for wishing me good morning. Yes, I remember that you shared about running marathons and doing yoga. I prefer brisk walking (or swimming, if I had daily access to a pool) over running as a form of daily aerobic exercise because it’s way easier on the knees, particularly if a person carries excess weight (you wrote that you were lighter in earlier years).

    The quality of the Tai Chi class experience is all about  the quality of the Sifu (teacher- master).

    Good night, Clara!

    anita

    in reply to: Taking a break #434312
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara

    (Do you prefer to be addressed as Chau or Clara?)

    In my first quality psychotherapy, the therapist’s priority was to have me practice emotion regulation skills because intense emotions sort of hold a person hostage and prevent reasonable behavior, learning and making progress. He used to send me links to Mark William’s mindfulness meditations audios (he’s a mindfulness expert of sorts in Oxford University). There are mindfulness themed guided meditations available online, audios and videos. Listening/ watching a few you like (one at a time) during the day, and/ or at bedtime is one emotion regulation practice.

    Another is daily exercise, particularly the aerobic kind (fast walking is what I do), another is yoga, and/ or Tai Chi (the latter, a slow-motion martial art form does wonders when it comes to slowing down the brain).

    Another is the practice of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): you identify the thought or thoughts behind an intense emotion  that took over you, write it down, and examine it: is it true? is it untrue? After correcting an untrue/ distorted thought, the intense feeling calms down.

    There are many books, handbooks and online resources on emotion regulation (and on CBT) with exercises and suggestions. Googling just now, Master Your Emotions: A Practical Guide To Overcome Negativity And Better Manage Your Feelings reads like a promising title.

    anita

    in reply to: Taking a break #434310
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    It’s such a roller coaster ride to have fear, anger, sad, etc… the emotional ride is exhausting phew.“- I wonder if there are Emotion Regulation exercises that you are not currently practicing that can help regulate the ups and downs today and every day, particularly in the next few weeks.

    anita

    in reply to: Is this a temporary ebb in friendship ? #434308
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Carol:

    You are welcome! I can see how happy you were when your friend texted you this morning, and I understand that you appreciate the 2-3 times that she helped you with advice in the past year, once replying to you very quickly. (I am sorry to read that your sister was sexually assaulted).

    I hope that your bus ride was smooth, and I am looking forward to your next post.

    anita

    in reply to: Taking a break #434296
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    Un-bubble the bubbles at night, and so will I. Thank you, you are welcome, and good to read from you again after all these years. Till next time we talk, good morning/ night.

    anita

    in reply to: Taking a break #434293
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    I believe it’s Thurs 10:48 am where you’re at, Wed 7:48 pm here. Have a good day, Clara and post again anytime. I’m here.

    anita

    in reply to: Taking a break #434289
    anita
    Participant

    edit: rise above fear and suspicion, a weak state of mind, to => empathy and courage and trust (in you and in her), a strong state of mind.

    in reply to: Taking a break #434286
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    This, right now, is an opportunity for you to rise above fear and suspicion, a weak state of mind, to => courage and trust (in you), a strong state of mind. Abandon the weakness, embrace Strength, strength now (not when/ if she’s back to you sometime in the future).

    Now, as it is, as things are.

    anita

    in reply to: Fear, Anxiety and Healing #434281
    anita
    Participant

    Continued:

    I have been happy recently. I didn’t even know what happy means until most recently. I used to.. hate the word “happy”, and here I am, happy. I feel that I am over my Mother-Monster, like I finally- after a half a century- moved on from her, leaving her behind, in my mind.

    I didn’t know what happy means until the last couple of days, I mean HAPPY within myself, being happily okay.. being ME. Being okay with being clumsy and weird perhaps, and not being afraid anymore of being negatively judged.

    This is all not a rational- dry experience but an emotional experience. All of my life, I was not okay about being me.

    Now, as imperfect and humbly humble as I am, I am perfectly okay being me.

    anita

     

     

    in reply to: Taking a break #434280
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara/ Chau:

    The issue is how to catch myself when I want to overreach and blame her“- since this has been my behavior (!) I came up with the NPARR strategy: when I Notice increased stress within me, I Pause (I don’t say or do anything), I Address the situation; is there a situational problem that needs to be solved, or is the problem bad programming on my part/ distorted thinking that needs to be corrected,; is there a different way to view the situation? then Respond-or-not: say, type, do, or not, and lastly: Redirect: redirect  distorted thinking => correct, balanced thinking; judgment => empathy.

    I am also feeling insecure that she will only want to break up with me, which is entirely possible. Although we did say this is a ‘break’ hoping for a restart, not a ‘break up’“- you are suspicious of her, aren’t you (that’s why she had to tiptoe around you)? How about Redirecting your judgment of her (as a suspect) => empathy for her. Think of what she may be feeling right now, her hurt, her despair perhaps. Operate out of Empathy for her.

    anita

    in reply to: Taking a break #434278
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    You are very welcome!

    maybe overreact when she goes out… blaming her for not coming home early and reacting, or maybe overreacting sometime, stressed her our and wore out the relationship…  she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time“-

    -I wasn’t there to personally observe your home life with her, but seems to me that indeed, like you say, you overreacted (on a regular basis, or frequently, or repeatedly), and as a result she felt that she had to tiptoe around you, as in walking on eggshells, so to prevent the next overreaction on your part.

    Walking on tip toe all the time, being so careful to prevent trouble does block carefree feelings such as love.

    If you can change these two things: to no longer overreact, and to no longer blame her- once the break is over- the relationship and her feelings for you will resume- I hope.

    anita

    in reply to: Is this a temporary ebb in friendship ? #434274
    anita
    Participant

    Oh, as far as the question in the title of your thread: “Is this a temporary ebb in friendship?“- I think that ebb is an understatement. I think that this loss of friendship is likely temporary if her relationship ends and therefore, her focus is no longer on him, on his friends, on his world.

    anita

    in reply to: Is this a temporary ebb in friendship ? #434272
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Carol:

    You are welcome, and thank you for being kind even though my answer was painful to read. I am afraid parts of this post too will be painful to read, I am sorry.

    Is there a specific part of my post that makes you think we are no longer friends but more acquaintances?“-

    – yes, the following things which I boldfaced: “she takes a dozen of days, if not more, to reply to my textsI haven’t met her partner… (she) does not ask me how everything is going for me, or if she does, it’s really rare…I am going through a decisive time in my career. She hasn’t contacted me to see how it’s going… in January, I was really down and I had let her know that I was struggling mentally… I received a text from her 6 weeks later, asking how I was“.

    If her relationship was one month old, and she is a busy working woman, or a busy student, I’d understand if she was 3 days late texting you back, or a whole week if she was overwhelmed with work/ studies and a new romantic relationship, and I’d understand her not introducing her partner to you yet.

    But she met her partner a whole year ago. Unless she and her partner are long-distance (and only meet once a month, let’s say), and/ or she lives very far from you, how can a best friend not meet the other best friend’s partner for a whole year?

    That you told her that you were struggling mentally and she did not inquire about your mental health for 6 weeks demotes her (in my opinion) not only from the title best friend, but from the title friend.

    Unless the word friend means not an enemy, or if it means acts friendly sometimes– in that case, I suppose she is a friend.

    Like you, English is not my first language and sometimes I am not aware of the connotations of words, but from having looked up friend and acquaintance online just now, the difference between the two is that friends share an a bond of mutual affection, and acquaintances don’t necessarily.

    Seems like her affection for and her attention to you as her friend has been redirected elsewhere, not only to her partner but to her partner’s friends (“she hangs out with his friends often“). You wrote that she’s obsessed with her relationship: maybe she hangs out with her partner’s friends so to solidify her relationship with him, to be more of a part of his world, as in, getting his friends to think well of her and encourage him to stay with her.

    And since you, Carol, are not a part of her partner’s world and have no power to influence her partner on her behalf of her, you are of no use for her when  it comes to her #1 priority by far (her partner). What do you think?

    Also, I don’t really know if I should talk to her about this or just let it go ? Sometimes, I think it’s a bad idea but other times, I feel like I would at least like to clear the air just in case there has been a misunderstanding? Maybe I could to share my feelings with her, in a non accusatory way, and to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her space to express hers?– I wish you could let it go, but can you?

    The reason I wish you could let it go instead of sharing how you feel with her, is that from what you wrote in your original post, she has not shown interest in how you feel for a long time, and because although she ” insists that she is still ‘there if I need anything‘, in practice, she has not been there for you: not when you had let her know that you were struggling mentally, and not during the decisive time you are going through career-wise.

    In the message you think of sending her, you wrote: “I feel like things changed between us and I would like to talk about it because I value our friendship“- you mean that you used to value the friendship you had with her in the past, not  that you value the friendship (or “friendship”) that you have with her now, correct?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 2,041 through 2,055 (of 3,592 total)