Dear Lisa:

Your first post here was on May 1, 2017, and I replied to you on the same day. (We were both a whole 7 years younger!) I will start this post with quotes from my replies to you over the 26 pages of your thread, from May, 2017 – Jan 2019 (with minor grammatical editing; the boldfaced and are your words):

“‘Alone‘- the title of your thread, not connected- the theme of your childhood and life… We are born to be social, to connect. We only survive without. To live, to truly live is to connect… As a young child and throughout your life in your childhood home (until your mid twenties)… Bad things happened to you and you didn’t understand why they were happening. It felt like people hated you, and you didn’t know what you did to bring it about…

“You did not experience love, being valued… You experienced being tolerated, at best, for what you do for others. Being unloved, being shown no empathy, you were taught to survive, not to thrive (‘I have learned nothing more than to just survive.’). There was no empathy for you in your childhood home, no one cared to notice your distress; no one cared to find out your thoughts and feelings and help you. You were Alone… As a result, your anxiety fired up and expressed itself in the symptoms of ADHD, OCD, bed wetting, over-eating, depression and dysfunction…

“You feel that men treat you as worthless  or as less worthy than other women. You are angry at men for that and jealous at women who are ‘held in higher regard’… that Men are selfish, they only love themselves. They place women into two categories: The Worthy (‘the worthies‘) and the Unworthy (‘the unworthies‘)… They show concern and take care of women in the Worthy category, but show no concern and no caring to women in the Unworthy category. Men expect women in the Unworthy category to never challenge them… Unlike other women in the Unworthy category, you speak your mind, you challenge men, and you challenge women in the Worthy category. For that you are punished by the men, eternally dismissed, and attacked by the women in the Worthy category…

“If you want a loving relationship with a man, that attitude needs to change… The changing of attitude regarding men that I am suggesting to you is to view men as individuals and evaluate a man as an individual. If you are not able or willing to evaluate a man as an individual, then you are not ready to consider a loving relationship with a man, dating, that is…

“Your plan includes the one step at a time concept, basic needs first, the need to be and feel physically healthy first, before meeting a man for the relationship you need. Losing pounds is already giving you tangible results which encourage you to proceed with the plan. Sleeping better is most important. Looking for better employment and medical insurance, very important, practical… Excellent work on your part, I say. Focus on progress, not perfection. Progress is not a linear process where there is nothing but progress. Within true progress there are times of distress and deterioration of functioning, but these are temporary. Overall, true progress is a line going up with many tiny zigzag lines going down… You endure, resume and return to the upward movement of progress.

“I like your ending of your last post, ‘Patience‘- key word. Patience. And remember the other word that starts with P:  Perfection- no such thing as perfection. Be patient with your human imperfection… Be gentle and Patient with yourself, and don’t forget the reality of imperfection inherent to human function and performance…

“You started this valuable thread with:  ‘I was an outgoing kid with an open heart… I was bullied on school grounds… I was often called a baby or sissy for not standing up to kids that bullied me but my thoughts often went to wondering why they wanted to bully me?‘ Your thread is a testimony to how damaging bullying is, how important it is that people in the position of parents, teachers, school employees will do everything in their power to interrupt bullying and prevent it…  You wondered, as a child, why they wanted to bully you…  you came up with a part answer:… an entity of sort intended and still intends to inflict pain on you… to punish you. In its intent to hurt you, it repeatedly, through the decades of your life, brings about events, coordinates those events, making them happen in such a way so that they result in you getting hurt. This entity’s aim is to hurt you…

“Regarding your strong emotions: ‘I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt… I have to be calm… I feel the only way I can deal with all of this is to be numb… all I can do is work and feel anxious all the time…I am crying now of course. Why do I have to be upset all the time?‘- This is my answer to your question: because you are Alone (title of your thread). In the very beginning of your life and through the years of your childhood, you were very much alone. When a child is alone, in her room, door shut from the inside, while there were fights in the home, a child is scared. When there is no one to hug you, to silent that fear, to calm you, the fear goes haywire… If I could go back in time, into your world, I would give little Lisa a hug so big and warm, that it would melt that fear away…

“I think I understand now, after all of our communication.. and miscommunication of the last nine months on this thread something I didn’t understand  before. I think that the Key Sentence of all that you shared is that you cannot tolerate an ounce of criticism from anyone. What I understand today is that criticism to you includes when any person expresses any difference from what you stated to be true to you. You believe, for one, that all men hate you and hurt you, and that the women who tried to help you, then turned against you and supported the men who hate you. If I suggest differently, I think you take it as criticism and you automatically view me as one of those women who are either hurting you or trying to help you, but then support a man who hates you…

“According to what you believe is true, you are a good, intelligent, creative, hard working woman barely surviving a hostile world where all people hate and hurt you or about to do so every time you try to improve your life, and every time you assert yourself. A world where people expect you to submit to their alleged superiority and abuse… In this world, as you view it, you are truly Alone. I believe that there is no way to live in such a world other than to suffer a whole lot. And that has been your experience so far, as you shared: barely surviving and suffering a lot… hurt and angry, in physical pain from overworking, exhausted, very, very sad, that is why you cry a lot. Every time you get motivated, you soon get frustrated. You feel very much alone, throughout life, most of the time. You’ve been telling here how you feel for many months. I hear you. I hear you loud and clear…

“You are a fascinating woman, never  met or  communicated with  anyone like you. It takes a  lot of time  and effort for me to understand you, a  process that is still ongoing… Seems like this thread is  coming to an end: May 1, 2017- January 1, 2019, eight months. Thank you for starting this thread and I am looking forward to your second thread. A new year, a new  beginning”.

Following that post, you started your 2nd thread Choosing Love on Jan 15, 2019. It lasted 11 pages until  April 25, 2024.

Lisa, June 5, 2024 (in Alone): “I want to bring this topic back up because it is more appropriate for me and I was right the first time. I have never felt more rejected as a person, put down or alone in my life than I do right now. Love is an illusion. The wish for money is disguised as love. The need for friendship is disguised as love. Marriage is for money and status and security, not love. Love is an illusion and so are get togethers in the name of ‘peace and love.’ Real Love is rare and does not harm another.”

Today, June 6, 2024, I ask you, Lisa: please tell me more about Real Love..?

anita

Dear Zenith: a hard worker! How many hours of sleep do you get???

anita

Dear Zenith:

“We reached India…his grandmother is commenting about the way I was dressed… As usual my husband is a man child… I don’t like the gender bias… I can’t deal with a man who is always worried about what his parents think“-

pew researching. org/ how indians view gender roles in family and society (March 2022):  “About nine-in-ten Indians agree with the notion that a wife must always obey her husband… even Indians who have completed college sometimes do overwhelmingly endorse traditional views on gender-related issues. For instance, large majorities among those with a college degree (80%) and those with less education (88%) agree with the notion that wives must always obey their husbands… Across a variety of measures, Indian men are more likely than women – but only slightly – to take a traditional view of gender roles. For instance, 82% of men say that when there are few jobs, men should have more rights to jobs, compared with 77% of women who share this perspective”.

“Families tend to place higher value on sons rather than daughters – a custom broadly referred to as ‘son preference.’ Adult sons traditionally live with their parents… daughters often live with their husbands’ parents and fulfill obligations toward their in-laws… Indians tend to be more conservative than people in most other countries surveyed when it comes to gender dynamics in the home and in the economy”.

I am adding: according to the survey, there are big differences between regions: for example, 61% of the surveyed people in Telangana (a southern state) say that sons should be the primary caretakers of aging parents vs 37% in Jharkhand (Hindi Belt) and 11% in Meghalay (a north east India).

On a positive note for a feminist like you, Zenith (from the same source): “In recent years, Indian society has paid increased attention to improving the status of daughters – the government’s Beti Bachao, Beti Padhao (‘Save the girl child, Educate the girl child’) program, for example, seeks to prevent sex-selective practices during pregnancy and to ensure educational opportunities for girls by conducting public awareness media campaigns, among other policies”.

I hope that you are feeling better this Thursday late evening (8 pm in India).

anita

Dear Zenith:

I thought about you earlier today and am happy you posted to vent.. I missed you venting!

Good thing you reached India safely, not a good thing that you didn’t get to decorate your way for your kid’s birthday. It’s traditional, patriarchal society, as you know, there’s a strict hierarchy in the family (I know you hate it).

“On top of that his grandmother is commenting about the way I was dressed. I wore an Indian wear, but she wanted me to wear a saree which I don’t like. I said no. Then she insisted to wear a scarf to cover my breast. I was dressed modestly with a full length top“- I know you hate that!

“I kept quiet because talking back to elders is wrong in my in laws’ house… My husband was sitting without even wearing a shirt but nobody tells him anything. I don’t like the gender bias“- I understand how difficult it is for you to not speak up, to submit to the ways of elders, and to not be treated equal to a man. You are a true feminist, Zenith!

“I am glad that we are in USA where I have the freedom to wear what I want to, be the way in want to. If I would have stayed in India my marriage would have definitely resulted in divorce. I can’t deal with a man who is always  worried about what his parents think.“- good thing indeed that you live in the U.S., and soon enough you’ll be back here. Try to have peace of mind for the rest of the visit. I want to write more Thursday morning (my time, about 12 hours from now). You are welcome to post again before I am back to your thread.

anita

Dear Robi:

I am fine, thank you, and.. you should be in Warsaw by now (I checked: 3 hrs. and 20 minutes flight from Alicante, Spain to Warsaw, Poland).

“I just know I’m doing what I think its the right thing to do. My girlfriend has been here for a week, we talked a lot about things… I decided to go to Warsaw and try to find work… I’ve already applied to some jobs there and had an interview“- good communication, direction and planning!

“Almost 2 weeks ago during a phone call with my parents… Right away they bombarded me with disapproval… they kept repeating it should be my girlfriend… is probably trying to manipulate me into going back there, so she doesn’t have to leave“- they are in your business, where they shouldn’t be. You are an adult (who is adulting), capable of evaluating your girlfriend better than they can. And I trust your evaluation of your girlfriend way more than I trust theirs because of all that you shared about your girlfriend, and because of what you shared about  your parents’ (particularly your mother’s) compromised mental health.

“A few days later my dad wrote to me – he said he’s been thinking of me and he supports me, that everything will fall into place and I should stay positive… he said that when he said he supports me he meant that he supports me staying in Spain and not to go back to Warsaw… not a work about me possibly going to Romania for a bit – I thought they might be happy to see me“- time to fully adult, to take the steps needed to adult, to no longer be your parents’ child. Together with your girlfriend, 2 adults, find a way, or ways. It won’t be easy, but endure and persist, one step at a time, allowing regressions and recoveries, keep moving forward.

And please let me know how you are doing!

anita

Dear Simon:

Since my summary post in your thread, you added the following information: you live in the UK where you view people/ life to be “so materialistic… without any depth to it, so shallow… cars, houses, holidays, everything seems to be a competition that I don’t want to be in… not good enough for me or  authentic“.

As a barber for 20 years, you felt not good enough because you didn’t do a traditional apprenticeship, and as a chef running your own business, you give yourself no credit because  you didn’t go to culinary college. You never felt good  enough in relationships either, “I’ve never felt good enough in any way shape or form hating on myself for 34 years“. You are  judgmental of yourself and of others (it’s 2 sides of the same coin: judgmental of self/ judgmental of others).

You have “ADHD and anxiety issues.. catastrophize everything“, a “tortured soul“, and you are “in physical pain constantly from my feet all the way to my eyelids, years of standing on my feet“. You enjoy holidays with your family, but less so since your little girls are no longer little girls (now 18 and 17)- “the last few years things are not the same“.

“Everything I have ever done has been rush, rush, rush, my jobs even gave me an opportunity to rush barbering cutting hair as quickly as I can,  to make money cooking in my cafe quickly making meals to get people in and out of the restaurant…  I’m afraid of running out of time. I had kids for my grandparents so they would get to see them before they passed… It’s scary to try and just stop and not rush, but I think it’s the only choice I have which is why I feel that escaping to a monastery for a year would help“-

– I like the idea of you staying in a monastery for a short while because for one, you’d be off your feet, giving your body the rest it needs, and secondly, it’s a quiet place, especially if monastic silence is practiced. I imagine it’s noisy in your busy cafe/ busy life. It’d be nice to have silence instead, for a while.

You’ve experienced noise since your childhood, a disturbing, distressing kind of noise: “extreme shouting and swearing… sounded pretty violent” (when your parents were fighting, from what you shared Feb 2022). I am guessing that their violent shouting and swearing translated to Noise Within you, expressing itself as ADHD, and severe self-judgment ,the latter translating to the Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder which you mentioned back in Feb, 22: having to do everything perfectly, an impossibility long-term, leading to constant failures at achieving perfection, and as a result.. more self-judgment, more Noise Within.

Your Rushing Habit, as I called it, is perhaps about you trying to run away from the Noise Within.

The problem with your idea of escaping to a monastery for a year, is that a year is a very long time. It may be that you are currently rushing to a 1-year stay in a monastery without thinking it through. Back in Feb 2022, you shared that you are afraid to be alone (“I’m just too afraid to be alone“), that you’ve been afraid to be left alone since you were a child: “lying in bed next to my sister as a child in the dark, wanting someone to talk to. That’s been the story of my life“.

You may feel very alone in a monastery day after day, month after month, a whole year, no one to talk to..?

* I suppose there is such a thing as good noise and bad noise: the first is peaceful, accepting, forgiving, enduring; the second is violent, rejecting,  critical, judgmental.

Which reminds me: you shared back in Feb 2022, in regard to your wife: “I swear at her… it’s like I have Tourette’s with the insults“- is this .. bad noise still happening?

anita

* Just as I was to submit the above, I noticed that you added a post: “... whoever you all are, when I get these wonderful replies to my messages I fall in love with you. Why does this happen to me? my heart actually yearns for whoever you are to help me and I feel you can heal my life for me. I feel this way about lots of things careers, people, cars and motorbikes. I’ve read that this is an ADHD trait I hope this doesn’t put anyone off replying to me.”– no, it doesn’t discourage me from replying to you. I think that the reason you get hopeful about being helped and healed is because you need help and healing. Connecting this to my post above: you very much need to replace bad noise with good noise.

anita

Dear Kshitij:

You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and grace!

“This is what I wrote in my journal just a few minutes back- ‘Sometimes it appears like I am living in a state of constant fear… anxious about not doing enough, not making the best out of this opportunity… that I have been able to do nothing and others are doing far better than me“- the pressure to do more, to make the best out of this opportunity, to do as well or better than others- is causing you anxiety.

“What is the result? I feel that I am always rushing, that I am lagging behind“- I read that Rushing and Being late/ lagging behind are two sides of the same coin.

“A part of me feels constant fatigue, partially because from the past two months my sleep pattern has been really bad…“- I checked, it’s 1:40 am where you are (at the time I submit this post). The pressure and the anxiety that goes with it is exhausting you.

If.. if you truly, deeply understand how harmful pressure is for you, how it is congruent with failure, (and incongruent with success), is there a way for you to form the intent to remove any and all pressure from your mind, as in saying: if I fail, I fail, so be it..?

“I am not anyways very good in socializing“- no wonder, being that you are under so much stress, and so exhausted.

“I have exams in less than two weeks of time, that is also adding on some stress“- removing the unnecessary, harmful pressure from your mind-  will lower your stress level and promote your chances to do better academically.

anita