Dear Seaturtle and hatchling:

You are welcome!

“I read something on a different forum platform…  when I said “my body’s learned response to love… the real solution is to actually unlearn my body’s learned response to love…  I was referring to this idea of training my brain to put receiving love into a non-danger category”-

– I think that I get it now. I was perplexed yesterday in regard to the idea that love can be perceived as danger. Here is what I figure:

This is what you wrote about your father: “if I wasn’t doing things to his standards I received a very cold version of him, versus his warm personality when I was doing something he defined as efficient and effective” (Oct 10).

At one point on, in your child’s mind, these two versions of your father mixed, so when he gave you his very cold (angry, disapproving) version, you felt badly, and when he gave you his warm (affectionate, approving) version, you felt either a mix of good and bad, or you just felt badly.. or indifferent. But you didn’t feel good because his very-cold-version was pre-imprinted in your brain  Fast forward, when someone gives you love, in your mind, you are experience the mix that you received in childhood.

And so, it is not love that you are rejecting, but the mix of love and disapproval/ anger.

“I fear that if I allow people closer than an arms distance, they will see behind my mask and be disgusted and reject me“- from one point on, when your father gave you his warm version, you knew it was only a matter of time before he gives you his cold version, and because a parent is a figurative mirror to the child, you figured that he was only reacting to.. two versions of you: the Approved Version (the mask) and the Disapproved Version (underneath the mask).

“My question is this, Is my brain defending me from love?“- no, the brain defends itself from anger and disapproval, not from affection and approval.

“I will have to get to know hatchling more…“- yes, get to know her more. It will make a huge, positive difference in your life!

anita

Dear Milda:

You are very welcome.  “It will be hard now to start living, thinking, talking differently..“- it will be a struggle but you can succeed, one day at a time. Most likely you will find yourself, again and again, doing for others, or agreeing to do for others because the behavior you are trying to change is an old habit. Changing a habit like this requires time and patience with yourself because the progress you make cannot be  linear, as in: from now on, I behave differently all the time. It will be a stop and go process, going reverse and then forward. Over time and practice, your new behavior will be a new habit.

“Anita, as you seem a very intelligent and wise person, maybe you know some good books/podcasts/youtube videos regarding this topic that I am struggling with? Setting boundaries, how to stop being the care-giver to others,  start to live my own life?“-

–  (1) I repeated your words about me seeming very intelligent and wise because it makes me feel nice to read these words.. hmm, I hardly ever read or hear such words said about me (I suffer from significant case of ADD, and in-person, when talking to people, I am less intelligent than most), so,  thank you for this experience of reading your words this morning.

(2) One reason I do not read books or listen to podcasts etc., is my ADD, it is difficult for me to remain focused on what I read/ hear, especially when what I read/ hear is not articulated in the simplest, clearest, most direct way. I didn’t read a single book, including self-help books for more than a decade, and I never listened to podcasts or You tubes on mental health issues. (The format of these forums allows me all the time I need to rearrange what I read and process the information, so it works well for me).

(3) About how to be “Setting boundaries, how to stop being the care-giver to others,  start to live my own life?“-here is what I suggest: next time you find yourself automatically saying or doing (or thinking about) something in accordance to the old habit, apply the following strategy which I termed NPARR:

Notice (that you are thinking about doing for others, or you just offered someone to do for them, then Pause: let’s say you just told someone on the phone that you will help her with X. To pause would mean to tell that someone that you need to get off the phone right there and then, and will call her back in ten minutes or so.

Next, Address the situation: is X reasonable for you to offer (sometimes you will want to help other, and maybe this is one of these times that helping another makes sense). Or is X not reasonable to offer, and offering it was driven by the habit you want to change.

Next, Respond-or-not: say and/ or do something or not. Let’s say you thought about offering help (you didn’t offer it yet), you Paused, Addressed the situation and decided to not offer help. In this case you do not respond (you don’t offer help, you don’t help). Let’s say you offered help already, on the phone, you Paused (got off the phone), Addressed the situation and decided that X is not reasonable. Next, you Respond: you call her back and tell her that you take back the offer. You can tell her why (that you are trying to change your habit, etc.) or give her another reason.

Lastly, Redirect: think or do something else, move on to another topic.

What do you think about this strategy?

anita

Dear n2life:

You are welcome. I am glad it was not a major stroke and I hope that you are keeping your dally life as stress-free (or stress less) as possible..! Please do keep making progress and post here again whenever you feel like. I will read and answer whenever you do.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“Yesterday morning, after reading the posts on this forum, I attempted a conversation with hatch. I told her I wanted to hear her, to come forward and I would not turn her away“- good job, Seaturtle!

“I am acting in a Play right now, a Shakespeare, it is my first time acting on a stage with other talented actors and people having to pay to come see it“- C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S  ! ! !

“Last night… hatch was desperate to feel accepted by the group I am working with…  I thought the answer to all this was to ignore it, but now I think maybe I have just been ignoring hatch?“- yes, do not ignore hatch. Continue to pay attention to how she feels, and when she feels anxious, comfort her. Take good care of her, according to what she needs at any one time.

“I read about how important a parents consistent love is to our self esteem, and feel my hatchling was insecure about love”- she needs you to love her consistently.

“By allowing hatchling to surface, is it typical for insecurities to arise?“- yes.

“I truly thought they were solved but maybe I was just ignoring hatchling and the real solution is to actually unlearn my body’s learned response to love and learn to see how others do care about me? I often feel my friends don’t care about me and do things without considering me .. and this is all being directed at N! what do you think about this?“- I am not clear about what you are asking here. Can you rephrase it clearly?

“I will look into ‘healing your inner child’ books“- don’t forget the workbooks which provide you with practical opportunities to communicate and interact with hatchling .

“Do most people just walk around with their inner child in a tamed cage?“- part of maturing is taming (effectively and kindly parenting) the inner child, so to not act impulsively when thoughtful action is the right thing to do, etc.. It’s the over-taming/ the imprisoning of the inner-child that is the problem.

“Will hatchling always be in a naïve insecure state? or can she be a mature (inner) child“-  the inner child stays the same (remember there is no Past for her: it’s always Present). It is the adult part of you that is able to perceive Past vs Present; it is the part that’s responsible for maturing, and it needs to guide, help and love hatchling, so that together you will have the best life experience that’s possible for you.

“Although I have work to do I feel like I just saw through a huge wall I felt was blocking me. I am eternally grateful to you! and myself!“- You are welcome and thank you!

anita

Dear Milda:

You are welcome.

“I had a very chaotic childhood, my father had serious drinking problem, so mother was always thinking on the next step, most of the time tired, scared or just with thoughts floating somewhere else…  I had a need inside to always solve their problems, so that maybe then I can live in a happy, stable and calm family with happy parents… what I do all day is thinking of others, feeling what they feel, thinking on how I can cheer them up, which advice I should give… This high sensitivity helped me to go through my childhood, to get parents love, but now this high sensitivity doesn’t serve me, it exhausts and I feel as I have never lived my own life, because I had to think of others and help them live their life“-

– I quoted all of the above because you articulated it so well, excellent awareness of the problem.. one that I can relate to, being that my childhood was chaotic too and my focus growing up was on my mother. I didn’t live my life (in my mind).. I lived her life. This became a habit and all through my adulthood, until most recently, I didn’t live my life. The frustration of not living my own life has been intense. It still frustrates and angers me, the concept of not living one own’s life, as in not being the central character in your own life, but a side character, one on the outside looking in.

As a child, I was powerless in real-life terms and my existence depended on my mother: her choices, her moods; and so my focus was on her. Fast forward, as an adult, I did/ do have real-life power, but in my mind, I didn’t. In my mind, I was still powerless, and therefore I focused on others.. mistakenly believing that everyone else has the power that I don’t.

My advice: (1) Exercise power over your life every day, in small ways and in big ways, gradually, patiently. it can be in as small a way as in how you choose to fold your laundry: do it your own way, the way that makes sense to you. (2) Expect distress in the process: your compulsion (habit of the mind) is to focus on others. When you practice otherwise, it will feel uncomfortable. You will have to talk to yourself when uncomfortable, telling yourself that discomfort is expectable. Then calm down and persist in practicing the new behaviors that are about practicing as much (ethical) power over your life as is possible for you.

anita

Dear Teo Desin:

You are welcome.

“About psychotherapy, are there certain types of psychotherapy you would recommend? I have tried CBT but I think it made enter the ‘thinking’ realm even more“-

– My first high-quality therapist was a CBT certified therapist, but he incorporated a high dose of Mindfulness principles and practices into therapy because he realized that my first and foremost need was to calm down on a regular basis, aka to practice emotion regulation skills.

“Also one thing that is holding me back from calming down is that I constantly feel the need to figure out what is the best choice for me to have as a degree…  I don’t let myself calm down unless I have figure it out… constant search for the ‘answer’“-

– this reads like OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) to me. I am not a psychotherapist though, nor am I a health professional of any kind. I am not qualified to diagnose anyone, nor are these forums the place for such.. BUT I know OCD (have been diagnosed with it), and it reads to me like you are obsessed with figuring out the best choice for a degree and your compulsion is to constantly search (“constant search“) for the answer.

“What are your recommendations on overcoming this constant search for the ‘answer’ that doesn’t let me to calm down by using appropriate routine, practices and changing my mindset?“- Firstly, realize that this constant search is a Problem and not a solution. You need to lessen the search itself (the compulsion). Secondly,  practice emotion regulation skills/ Mindfulness on an hourly and daily basis. Thirdly, approach the question of your choice of degree from.. an emotionally regulated state of mind.

anita

Dear Kiersten:

In your four threads, you shared that you are a 31-year-old woman, that you left Christianity a year ago, and you are now a Buddhist (interested in Zen Buddhism) who lives in a rural USA town, 60 miles away from the nearest Buddhist temples; a woman in need of spiritual guidance and a spiritual community that will compassionately accept your spiritual needs and disabilities (autism and “other serious physical and mental problems”). You have a Japanese Buddhist altar in your home and you regularly attend virtual meditation classes.

Your mother is and has been narcissistic and abusive, a woman “who shows no empathy or compassion” for you. You wish to end all contact with her, but she pays your rent and contact therefore is necessary.  You limit your contact with her to email and occasional phone calls only. You hope to attend college and secure a job for yourself sometime in the future, when your health stabilizes. When you are financially able to support yourself, then you will end contact with her.

You are thinking about leaving the US and living in another country where the cost of living is lower, where Christianity is not the norm,  and where a supportive, Buddhist spiritual community is available for you, perhaps in Japan.

Currently you do not have any friends or any type of support system, and you are  “unable to make and keep friends”.

You don’t trust people because you have “endured a lot of mental abuse from family, former friends, ex partners, and medical professionals… have trust issues with other people due to the emotional abuse… have had many people make promises and don’t keep them”.

My input today: I have been a regular, daily participant here, in these forums since May of 2015 (with a break of 6 months, Feb-Aug 2023). I am not a Buddhist (nor am I a Christian or a member of any other religion), but I believe in some Buddhist principles and I am still trying to live by then. I am inviting you to be my friend here, in the context of these forums. I will be empathetic and compassionate with you. If you respond to me, I will reply further. If you don’t respond to me- that’s okay with me because I would like you to feel comfortable with whatever choice you make. It is very important that you make your own choices whenever, wherever possible, and that you have a measure of peace of mind as you make your choices.

anita

Dear n2life:

“I just recently had a major major health issue happen. I had one person reach out and come over while I was recovering and that was someone I don’t even know really well. Someone has the sniffles? I swear I’m making chicken noodle soup and on my way over with it… Thoughts with the little amount I put?“-

(1) Has the very major health issue been resolved/ successfully treated?

(2) The one person who reached out to you, someone you don’t know well, may be someone like you who cares about others and is not afraid to show she cares, while the others who didn’t reach out to you, either they don’t care, and/ or they are too afraid to acknowledge someone else’s serious health issues because it awakens their anxiety abut their own health, life and death.

“How do you make healthy 2-way  friendships in your late-ish adult life?“- perhaps talk more, get to know other people better: what motivates them, what they are afraid of, what they value most..?

anita