Dear Seaturtle:

You are very welcome!

“I am learning about myself that I desire the self improvement, but it is something I need to take a break from on weekends so that I am not constantly in my head thinking. So I will likely not respond on weekends, just to let you know“- thank you for letting me know, I appreciate it (and you know the reason!)

I read your post and I want to re-read it and reply when I am more focused- tomorrow, Tues morning. Have a good rest of Monday!

anita

Dear Pandanator:

You are welcome and thank you for being here!

“It has been extremely stressful with one thing after another, a potential cancer“- has cancer been ruled out?

“I tend to try to believe that everyone deep down is a good person“- everyone deep down is a good person, but in too many people (and 1 is too many), that good-person deep inside is trapped, mute and powerless, deep inside a bad person. (am not saying that he is a bad person)

I am the one adding the boldface feature selectively in the following quote: “Based on the conversation, he seemed to be confused.. The whole relationship he was just very confused and was a hot/cold person. He would be super happy to see me one day and then a week later seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me and was always judging me”-

– seems to me that he had a parent who unexpectedly changed from good (affectionate, supportive) to bad (hostile, abusive) and he projected that parent into you, shifting from seeing you as good (and responding to his perception of you as good by being super happy to see you, acting hot), and seeing you as bad (and responding to his perception of you as bad by acting like he wanted nothing to do with you, acting cold).

His confusion may very well be about who you are, good or bad, friendly or hostile; a confusion that’s a result of his projection of a parent into you, and therefore not being able to clearly see who you are. It is very common for a person to project a parent into a romantic partner.

“I do feel very guilty over blocking him as I do believe he is a good person…  he was super friendly the week before when I snapped and told him to stop playing games…  All I can think is I am probably not as good as the other girl he ended up with”-

– think, if you will, that he was possibly projecting an abusive parent into you, and his behavior was not .. about you. If I am correct, then he will do a similar kind of projection into his new girlfriend.

“I do tend to be a chronic overthinker and an anxious-attachment person. It is something I want to work on. I am really trying not to think about the whole thing but it is quite an enigma“- an enigma that can be solved if you knew about his childhood. You know how your childhood is powerful in your current, adult life (causing your chronic overthinking and anxious attachment style), do you..?  Same about  his childhood.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Andromeda:

* I am adding this comment after putting an hour and a half into this post and realizing that I am not close to completing it. Please take your time reading this, perhaps over hours or a few days, because parts of it will be distressing to read (if you choose to read it). It is not in me to say just anything, whatever may make you feel better for a moment. I only say what I honestly believe to be true because I find some longer-term refuge in learning and knowing what is true. Here is my post:

You are welcome. On Thursday morning, October 5, you- out of the blue- “heard/felt him say to me that he had done horrible things and couldn’t cope with his emotions anymore“. You found out that evening that he was no longer alive.

For five days (Oct 5-Oct 10), you “felt his presence strongly.. sensed huge regret“, and then you “saw a strong bright light surround him, I knew somehow that he was moving on to his next life“.

“He was special, very popular, funny, intelligent, spiritual, quirky, his friends and family described him as a beacon of light“.

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively in the following quote and will comment on them next): “I can’t cope with this pain and guilt.  I loved him so much. I let him down… he started not answering my messages, I never tried to ring him, left it to my sister and his Mother. I let him slip away, too consumed with my own problems, I was going through a very difficult time and struggling with depression…. he had been prescribed all sorts of medication, which he was stopping and starting. He was also due to have an mri because he had numbness and pain in his legs. He thought he had MS… the weekend before he took his life, his friends he had been sharing a house with, which he called family, all left him to move into another property. He was left on his own.  Abandoned again…  My sister and Mother had been sending him money. They finally told him that they couldn’t keep sending money, that he needed to come back. I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan. He didn’t answer but Why didn’t I phone him. He said to my other sister that he didn’t want to come back home, said he would rather kill himself…”-

– my thoughts this Monday morning: (1) what happened first is that he started not answering your messages; what happened second was that you didn’t ring him. I imagine, based on what you shared in your original post (“I struggle with my mental health and my negativity pushes people away. My presence has no positive affect on people so Over the years I’ve become a recluse”) that when he stopped answering your messages, you thought that he stopped because your negativity pushed him away and that contact with you had a negative affect on him, and so, your motivation was to protect him from your perceived negativity/ negative affect, to protect the person you loved so much.

“My last message to him was to encourage him to come home for a while to get his head straight, I offered to put him up… I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan“- this is a huge offer that you made to him, an offer to help him at a time of great need.

“I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan. He didn’t answer, But why didn’t I phone him“?- I am guessing that you didn’t phone him because you were no longer in the habit of ringing him (after he stopped answering your messages). When we get used to a certain way, it’s difficult to change it; we are creatures of habit.

And perhaps you were afraid to hear his pain, if you were to talk to him. It is very, very difficult to hear the pain in the voice of someone we love so much, particularly one we loved as a child, knowing him- or her-  as the innocent, pure trusting young child.

(2) About “I let him down“- If you look at a very small part of the whole/ big picture then.. yes, you let him down. I am not saying this lightly as I myself have let someone very important to me down, someone much younger who looked up to me as a child, and I too felt so very guilty about it. Please keep reading as I explain the big picture that is evident to me:

We humans have let each other down, failing each other, for thousands of years, from parents and other adults failing the children under their care to leaders and persons in positions of power failing the millions and billions of people who have no choice but to live (and die) under their power. It’s been going on from one generation to the next for too long, and it’s coming to a boiling point, almost literally (climate change).

Those in positions of power, financially and politically, are not bothering to read this post or to hear the cries of the millions of people suffering. They are too self-centered and selfish to care or to give up their power.. no matter what. You and I are two out of billions of people on the same boat, without power to change the current global reality.  We can only do what we can do: help who we can help, in whatever way we can, beginning with the Buddhist principle of Do-No-Harm to others.

We .. who need help, need to help others: this is how we can transcend our personal weakness and impotence and become strong in the midst of this current global great distress, which includes your nephew’s (past) distress and that of many millions.. including our own.

“I let him down“- and so did his mother, and his father, and his other aunt and the health professionals who prescribed him with medications and maybe neglected to follow through with treatment, professionals who could have done more.. and his friends perhaps who moved away and so forth, and many more. And then the  numbness and pain in his legs added to the mix, and lack of money.

You wrote: “I can’t cope with this pain and guilt“-I share your pain, and I suffered from Guilt for decades.. You are not alone. Like I wrote earlier in this message, we all failed each other. Lots of people failed you, lots failed me , and here we are. Question is: how do we proceed as individuals- and together (here in this public forum)?

“I feel as though I’m drowning and Feel that my life will now be left in more darkness…I saw a strong bright light surround him, I knew somehow that he was moving on to his next life… He was.. a beacon of light“-

– what if his spirit sent you a message:  to let his light into your darkness, into mine, into that of anyone who may be reading your thread, and individually, and together- wherever, whenever possible- we can transcend our individual impotence and help each other in any way we can…?

anita

Dear Luna:

Thank you for getting back to me, for your good wishes, for focusing on the positives and for being otherwise kind to me and to others.

“the importance of personal development and having an open heart and mind to the life lessons… As for the point that has been raised throughout our interactions on intellectualizing emotions. I realize that everyone is prone to doing that at some point as we learn to better process our emotional world and even make the most of it in our real world”-

– After I submitted my last post to you on Sept 30, I read posts that you submitted in early October and I realized that your language was spontaneous and emotions were not intellectualized.. so I was wrong, I knew then, and wanted to let you know but waited until- and if- you get back to me. So, you did get back to me and what you expressed in the quote above is my opportunity to learn a life lesson, here it is (developing my thoughts as I type):

I tend to get laser focused on one element of the big picture and therefore, not see the big picture. I noticed the element of intellectualizing emotions in your early posts, and focused on that element. In my communication with you, I did not consider that everyone intellectualizes emotions to one extent or another (not just Luna..,  not just me), and I did not consider the possibility that this element is not permanent, that it is fluid instead, depending on you warming up to certain people, or feeling less awkward perhaps to post on a public forum.

I am wondering about the reason for this lifelong tendency, and what comes to mind is the image of a child trying to find stability on shaky ground where unpredictability/ capriciousness/ instability/ changeability rule. So, the child adjusts to this by looking for and focusing on whatever can be perceived as permanent and stable. Or, in other words, the child needs to see permanence, so she sees permanence. While being laser focused on permanence, changeability is a blur.

Thank you for teaching me this life lesson. I am now more capable than before- because of you- to see the bigger, fluid picture. Quite amazing…  It is possible for me to learn this lesson (it will be work in-progress to continue to learn it)  because you presented it to me kindly, gently.. not rudely or harshly- another lesson to further learn.

anita

Dear Andromeda:

I read your 2nd post, still- heartbreaking. Your pain is immense. I want to re-read and reply Mon morning when I am more focused. Will be back to you in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear Andromeda:

I am so sorry for your huge loss, and I am sorry that your nephew suffered so much.. so very sorry. It is heartbreaking.

He was found this last Thursday, Oct 12, three days ago? And on the night  of Oct 12, you had a vision/ feeling about his spirit entering the next life. Can you tell me more about the vision you had..? And how are you feeling today?

anita

Dear Robyn:

I saw and read your thread for the first time today, otherwise I would have replied much earlier. How are you doing now, nine days after you posted the above? Better, I hope..? Reading what you shared.. your father’s despicable behavior, for one, makes me very sad. I hope to read more from you soon.

anita