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anitaParticipantEdit, correcting my math: Welcome back 2 years, 2 months and 26 days after you posted last (March 3, 2022)
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are welcome!
“I didn’t understand how my shame and guilt are fueling my emotions of despair, hopelessness etc.?“- to be stuck feeling ashamed and guilty is a terrible emotional experience. If calm and contentment are like the sun gently shining above you, relentless shame and guilt are like thick hail dropping on you from above, hitting you, bruising you. When the hail can drop on you at any time, winter or summer, spring or fall, then you get desperate and hopeless.
“I was criticized for every small thing“- I think of these criticisms as thick hail dropping on you, hurting you, making you bleed.
“I do have a habit of self-loathing, so maybe that is related with my guilt and/or shame related with my intrusive thoughts?“- yes, I believe so.
“Please tell me something I can do to ease these harmful emotions so that I can reach out for help and stop giving so much pain to myself”– to ease and resolve these harmful emotions (shame, guilt, self-loathing), you have to.. heal the shame that binds you. I am using a title of a book I read long ago: Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw.
Here are a couple of quotes from the book: “There is no way you can share your inner self because you are an object of contempt to yourself. When you are contemptible to yourself, you are no longer in you. To feel shame is to feel exposed in a diminished way. When you’re an object to yourself, you turn your eyes inward, watching and scrutinizing every minute detail of behavior. This internal critical observation is excruciating. It generates a tormenting self-consciousness that Kaufman describes as ‘creating a binding and paralyzing effect upon the self.’ This paralyzing internal monitoring causes withdrawal, passivity and inaction”,
“Toxically shamed people tend to become more and more stagnant as life goes on. They live in a guarded, secretive and defensive way. They try to be more than human (perfect and controlling) or less than human (losing interest in life or stagnated in some addictive behavior)”- do these quotes speak to you personally, Kshitij?
“I gave a huge amount of effort for my masters, even when I was struggling a lot with my mental and physical health, and all of it was on the verge of becoming zero- I couldn’t do anything. And when I finally got the scholarship, even in that I was just a passive recipient, it just happened to me. What is the point of putting in your life and efforts when everything is so random?“- You cannot be calm and content unless you experience that you do have control over some parts of what happens to you life, that you can make some desirable things happen and avoid some undesirable things; you have to become active, not passive, when it comes to your life.
“It feels like no matter how hard I try, I can never find mental peace, and even after moving to a better place in life (like getting the scholarship) will bring more trauma“- the difference that will make all the difference for you, is to believe that you have what it takes to handle difficulties and challenges, that you are strong enough and resourceful enough.
For as long as one believes that one has no power over one’s life, no control, no say.. every difficulty can feel overwhelmingly huge.
anita
anitaParticipant* I forgot to edit out your “Thanks” (I always copy an OP’s post into my reply for quotes, and edit out what I don’t use in my quotes)
anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
You are welcome, I’m doing well, thank you!
“I don’t feel like journaling anything about her. I don’t want to do go through that at the moment, don’t really know why but I don’t“- journaling was an idea that occurred to me, an idea that you are welcome to accept or reject. I am fine with you rejecting any idea that I suggest to you!
And please post again anytime you feel like it.
anita
Thanks
May 29, 2024 at 12:23 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #433278anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“I am realizing lately how true something you once said, is. You said speaking to someone with a closed third eye, challenges your own… I… am currently still surrounded by people with closed third eyes… My friend P… my roommate.. clearly both of my parents. I have been around so many people who have challenged my third eye, they literally try to pull me out of my intuition… (to) bring me to their level… I don’t think it is out of the norm of a breakup, aka deserving of an ROCD diagnosis, that I am feeling those things. I get stuck in them sometimes when I am sad/depressed energy. And that is why I came here that day was to look for some help to pull me out, and that potential diagnosis only made me feel worse.”–
– When I submitted to you my May 14 post, I was excited: I thought/ hoped that my input will motivate you to seek quality psychotherapy (financed by your very rich father. Personally, I can’t see a better use for a very small portion of his money). Having read your post today, 15 days later, I can see that my intended help only made you feel worse.
It seems like I joined the crowd of closed 3rd-eyed people trying (unintentionally, in my case, at least) to pull you out of your intuition..?
I am sorry, Seaturtle, that my May 14 post made you feel worse. I feel sad that it did, really sad.
“Recently, I started Tai Chi and Qigong, and the teacher that I met with has taken me under her wing in a way, helping me attend despite financial challenges, helping me raise money. I bring this up to show her belief in me and that she sees me“- congratulations for starting Tai Chi and Qigong. May the teacher’s 3rd eye remain open and pull you out and away from your sad/ depressed energy and toward your intuition.
May the chapter of “Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships” come to an end.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Nikki:
Welcome back 2 years and 26 days after you posted last (March 3, 2022), and C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S for being almost 4-years sober!
“As me and the whole ‘G’ situation I broke things off with him“- congratulations for this as well !
“I look back at the forum and can’t help but laugh a little at the way I was so confused about my feelings for him… I’ve learned a lot about myself and was in another relationship 2 months after ‘G’, and I stopped talking and that’s a whole forum in itself.“- you are welcome to share about having replaced your confusion with clarity, what you learned about yourself.. here in this forum, or in a new forum, if you choose to start one.
Again, good to read from you again!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Melissa:
“My question is because I’m begging for someone to help me… every woman I see, I think does he like her, was she like that, does anything remind him of her… I take full responsibility on how I treated him, and I feel terrible I hurt him, but this is another level.. has anyone been in something similar and can suggest anything to help me wipe it from my brain… Thank you to anyone who has listened and I appreciate your time.“- you are welcome. I am glad you posted (interestingly, you posted exactly 2 years after the thread started, May 29 of 2022!)
Yes, I experienced something very similar to the emotional- mental torture you are going through, and for a long time. I was obsessed with a man’s previous relationship, details replaying in my mind. I lived and re-lived his past as if it was mine, and as if it was still happening and re-happening.
Gladly, it’s all been a long time ago, and I am not stuck there anymore. What a relief!
The reason I was stuck in the man’s past is that I had unfinished business carried over from my past, my childhood- adolescence, to be exact. Growing up, the good life was happening to others, not to me: other girls had fun, later dated, had boyfriends.. but not me: I was so alone and lonely. In the home where I grew up: my mother was so positively attentive to guests, so nice to them, flattering them, telling them wonderful things about themselves, how great they are. But to me, 1-2-1, she said I was “a nothing, an absolute zero“, her words.
And so, I was envious and jealous of others. Fast forward, I was jealous of a man’s past girlfriend, as if she was still his girlfriend. It was my past emotional experience, that got re-activated in adulthood, in a different context.
More about your situation: after being together for about 11 years (in 2022), living together with children, you were sick and tired of the relationship and of life the way it was. You didn’t communicate to him how you were feeling and eventually, decided to end the relationship. He moved out and back to his parents. You lost weight, felt better, got on dating sites, enjoyed the attention, and still slept with your partner, including in mid-July 2023. You later found out that he slept with another woman six times around that time.
“To say I felt my heart break would be an understatement I burst out crying and sobbed… I was shaking gagging thinking I was dying, I’ve never felt pain like it“- a very strong reaction. Reads like a past pain being reactivated. I know this kind of pain, Melissa. I am sorry that you know it too.
“he swore and promise it was 3 times and used condoms.. few weeks later.. he finally admitted it was 6 times, no condoms… he said he never wanted to date this woman, didn’t really find her attractive, it was literally to try and get over me… he said …“- you’ve seen it in movies, haven’t you, a man interrogated by detectives long enough, trapped in the situation long enough, will say ANYTHING to get the interrogation over with. I don’t fault him for being inconsistent about the details.
“He is very, very remorseful… This was 9 months ago.. we are in love, plan to marry, and better than ever… Can someone really just forget someone they have had sex with 6 times and did those little things with them“(?)- yes, someone definitely can forget. And reads like he is dedicated to you.
“I find myself crying daily…. my brain says (there’s) more, he’s lying… why my brain is against me, I don’t know.. we are happy so why can’t I forget it like he has?”- the reason, seems to me, is that for him the 6 times were about those 6 times only, but for you, those 6 times are about much more: your childhood reactivated in an adult context.
“I take full responsibility on how I treated him and I feel terrible I hurt him“- someone in your childhood didn’t yet take full responsibility for terribly hurting you?
I hope to read more from you. I would like you to find peace with his past and more importantly, with your past. It’s not easy, but it can happen for you!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shy:
I am glad that you started your thread. I just finished reading your first 2 paragraphs, and find your wording very interesting. I will comment on what I read so far, then read some more, comment (before reading what’s next), etc. The boldfaced indicates your words:
You described yourself as very quiet, a ghost. But I can already “hear” noise within you, the noise of doubt (“skeptical to a fault“) and guilt (“my situation is largely my fault… made myself unapproachable“).
You were bullied. In high school you were “always on my phone, unkempt, back of class“.
“You would think then, I’d feel greatly appreciative of my best friend… but I don’t enjoy her anymore“- I wouldn’t think that a person would (or should) necessarily feel greatly appreciative of their only in-real-life friend. I am curious to read further about how you feel about K.
“Lately when she messages me and a mutual acquaintance, often about work, I don’t have much motivation to open… I don’t feel surprised with her anymore, or a spark. It’s on life support for me but again, I feel terrible about it“- reads to me that you feel that you should feel differently about K, and you feel guilty that you don’t feel the way you are.. supposed to feel.
“Any advice from anyone who’s been here? Or close to?”- yes, allow yourself to feel what you feel. It is your fundamental, biological right to feel all that you feel. You don’t have to justify what you feel.
We don’t choose what we feel. No personal choice= no personal responsibility= no valid guilt.
We have some choice as to what we say, type, and do. There’s personal responsibility when it comes to what we put out there into the world, but no personal responsibility to what we feel inside ourselves, in that distance in-between our ears.
How should you act then, toward K, what should you say/ type to her, if anything? My answer to my own question: don’t fake a spark, feeling surprised with her, a motivation you don’t have. Be true to yourself and be kind to her at the same time.
Can you do these two things: being true to yourself (and therefore, being kind to yourself) and being kind to her?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are very welcome. Yes, I do believe that you don’t deserve to suffer, very much so!
“Can I send a detailed reply to your thread by tomorrow EOD?“- yes, in the End Of the Day (I googled that, didn’t know the acronym..)
“In the meantime, I have a question- Are these intrusive thoughts that I experience or flashbacks? Or a mix of both?“- both, these are intrusive thoughts (thoughts that disturb you a lot) and intrusive memories aka flashbacks (memories that disturb you a lot). Flashbacks are visual and/ or auditory memories, as well memories that are strictly emotional and physical- no picture and no sound to the memories, only the emotional and tactile re-experiencing of the trauma.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
“I should not wear shorts in front of my on laws. I have to dress certain way… I hate the fact that I have to suppress my personality in front of them.“- think of it this way, if you will: here in the U.S., where you live, you still have to suppress your personality in regard to what you wear, depending on the place you are in: you can wear a bikini to the swimming pool, but not to the supermarket; you go for a jog wearing sweats, but not to a party; certain restaurants have dress codes… so you/ we all adjust to the place we’re in. And so, you adjust to your in-laws’ home by wearing long pants in their home/ in their company.
Prepare for your visit in India, prepare your reactions to different scenarios. That will make it easier for you, once you are there.
“I hate…”- Try to not hate anyone or anything because your hate hurts you: it’s unnecessary suffering for you. And I wouldn’t want you to suffer when it’s .. optional, when you don’t have to!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
You are welcome! I am glad to read that indeed, you want to keep yourself focused on your goas, and not go through attachment issues at this time.
“feels like I’m stuck and wanna still say a lot to her“- this is an opportunity to journal: to type away all that you want to say to her (privately, or here on your thread).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
That wasn’t a rant, only 10 sentences (I counted, lol). Good thing you don’t suppress yourself at home and with your parents. You said that you will spend most of your time in India with your parents. Is this still the plan? That would make your visit a less suppressive/ more expressive, way better for your health!
“It’s just when I am with my in laws and co workers or with new people“- I remember that you shared about the rich relatives who used to criticize your parents who were poor, a long time ago. I wonder if you are projecting your very critical and rude relatives into your in-laws, as in re-experiencing your critical relatives when you are spending time with your in-laws (who may be rich too, like the relatives?)
“I tell my kiddo others’ opinion doesn’t matter and how people react is beyond your control. But its hard for me to follow. I have become so highly sensitive“- if you found a way to lessen this sensitivity.. to calm it down enough so that you can follow your own advice..
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
“Maybe I should zone out when they (say) something stupid“- Maybe you can zone out before anyone says something stupid?
I used to zone out a lot and nothing that was said around me registered in my brain, it’s part of my ADD, Attention Deficit. Nowadays, it happens when people talk too much, it tires me.
“I am always worried about other people.. if I am making them sad by saying no blah blah… I am always worried I would say something stupid… I suppress myself.”
-I too was so worried about hurting other people, not only with the words I said, but with the words I should have said, but didn’t; worried that I’d hurt people with the expressions on my face, by what did or didn’t do (but should have done). It was an endless, tiring, exhausting way to live. I was like under a magnifying glass, in my own mind, criticizing my every thought, my every word, expression, act. I used to get so ANGRY for.. not being free, free to just live, to just be without that critical overseer.
I used to suppress myself most of the time. It was so difficult! It was crazy-making. It is so important to express, at least sometimes, to fully, genuinely, simply express oneself.
I wish you can start doing it at work, in small portions, just a bit here, a bit there. Same in India, at home, anywhere and everywhere.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
“It’s just I am worried about people’s (in laws and relatives) judgement. I don’t have the confidence to stand up for myself and be assertive… Due to this anxiety it would be hard for me to face people’s judgement in India“- I wonder if, when you are there with in-laws and relatives, if you can tune out to what they are saying and focus on interacting with children, if children are present, or focus on things in the background? Or you can “listen” to a song in your head, instead of listening to what they are saying? (I am ale to do that.. without even trying, lol).
“The other big thing is my fear with procession of Hindu gods. That would take when I am vacationing in India. I am worried that would trigger me“- can you stay home during the procession?
“Lately, I feel like I am living my life for others. I am a people pleaser“- lately more than before? How?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
You are probably very busy getting ready for the flight to India, maybe you are on the plane right now: I wanted to wish you and your family safe travels, and to wish you a good visit with your mother!
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 