Forum Replies Created
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AuthorPosts
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anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are welcome.
Back in April, you shared (I am adding the boldface feature selectively): “there was a point in my teens when I began to feel as if I had nothing good in me apart from my academics… I have never heard an appreciation or compliment from my father about my nature, about who I am apart from studies. Instead from early childhood, I would get to listen to very harsh criticism and ‘sermons’ (if the word conveys what I try to say) on even the most trivial issues. he would use to presume that in any given situation, I would be automatically at fault. It was like he had a problem with everything I did”.
Yesterday, May 12, you shared: “I am sometimes surprised seeing that a memory which would cause rage to me five years ago has the same sting even today, and I feel as hurt… Sometimes I just end up having violent rage-filled thoughts that ruin my mood and subsequently my day. No matter how many times I have gone over a past memory, it stirs the same emotions every single time… Almost every day I am stressed out about something or the other… I am stuck in the past… a voice in my head gets louder and louder, which thinks that I am not as good and smart as others… he (father) had literally said that I am not ‘smart’ like the other students” (May 12)-
– Your father truly had a problem with everything about you, including your studies/ academics (not apart from your academics). His Harshly Disapproving, Critical Voice was broad-based, wide-ranging, large-scale, extensive and persistent: he disapproved of everything about you. Including at the time you suffered from your spine disease when harshness was most inappropriate.
No wonder such an extensive, persistent, frequent Harsh Disapproval & Criticism from him led to extensive, persistent, frequent rage within you.
“Rage… hurt.. rage-filled thoughts…No matter how many times I have gone over a past memory, it stirs the same emotions every single time… Almost every day I am stressed out about something or the other… I am stuck in the past“- your father’s Voice is active within you and so is your Emotional Reaction to his voice: rage, hurt, rage filed thoughts and stress.
Your emotional reactions to his voice are humanly natural and normal. it is normal to feel rage when abused, and persistent rage when persistently abused. You are currently residing in a different, far away country (U.K.) from your father, but his Voice is residing in your head. And every time you hear his voice on the phone or in-person during a visit, his voice in your head is energized, and so is your emotional reactions to his Voice, keeping you stuck in the past.
Looking at the title of your thread: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts, I would add to it: hurt and Rage-filled Thoughts: Intrusive, Anxious, Hurt and Rage-filled Thoughts.
These thoughts are a normal reaction to his Voice (his voice in-person and his voice in your head).
How can you possibly avoid a normal reaction? The only way is to remove the action, i.e., , the threat: his Voice. His Voice has (still) a problem with everything about you. You have to turn down the volume of that voice down and turn up the volume of a different voice, one that says:
Kshitij, you are a good girl, you are a good person. I like you. Whatever you feel, Kshitij is okay with me. I accept you just you are. It is okay, Shitij, to feel angry and rageful, hurt and anxious, it’s all understandable, all normal reactions to abuse.
I am here for you, Kshitij. I am your friend. I will help you turn the volume down on that other voice, so that you have the peace of mind that you so desperately need and deserve.
Shh… hush his sermons, hush his criticism.. hush his abuse. You don’t deserve it, you never deserved it. You were never guilty of it. He was, he is.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Maggie:
Reads like he got scared to move in with you, and he was scared to tell you about it. I am sorry that this had happened to you and that you have to see him every day. I wish he had the courage to face his fears and … the courage to face you in an honest, direct way.
anita
anitaParticipantDear PJ:
I hope that any of the members who posted here last (Aug 2013, 10+ years ago), will reply to you. You are welcome to post again here, in this thread, or, if you would like, you are welcome to start your own thread (go to Forums at the top of the page).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
It is a good thing that you keep expressing your thoughts and feelings about the events in your life. Please continue to express yourself. If, just in case, you would like my input/ my advice on anything, please let me know. Wishing you well !
anita
May 11, 2024 at 12:54 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432584anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
Continuing the imagery: when a sea turtle encounters a shark in deep-sea-reality, the shark attacks (Wins), the sea turtle dies (Loses), Game Over. In human society, people snap at each other every day, sometimes resulting in death, but more often, people get emotionally hurt, carrying injuries from one day to the next, continuing both: to hurt others and to get hurt. This is the complex human society reality. We get to be shark in the morning, sea turtle the in the evening.
In every day of my life, I want to not hurt others (to do-no-harm), and I want to not get harmed by others. I am not a saint (I am not here to absorb others’ aggression, turning the other cheek), but I am not a tit-for-tat person either. I’ll remove myself from harm and focus on what is good and helpful, best I can, morning, noon and night.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
Good to read your update! I read your ever word even though I am not responding to every word.
“It was nice being called beautiful“- it makes me smile to read this: beautiful Lulu, it sounds Lovely!
“I think what was most jarring was everyone saying how different I looked when I didn’t feel or act any different“- I guess you don’t feel different from one day to the next, but them not having seen you for many, may days, could tell the positive difference.
“Yesterday, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out… and asked the nurse if she loved me over and over again… I kept apologizing for not being perfect… My mom and the nurse hugged me and told me they loved me and it was going to be ok“- I am glad the hugged you and told you that they love you.
No one is perfect: not the nurse, not your mom, not me, not anyone. You are in good, imperfect company, Lulu!
“My current goals are graduating on time with a smile on my face, keeping up with my antidepressants and healing from my mouth surgery. I’m still nervous about college, but I think that I’ll be fine so long as I keep my confidence up, so I think I’ll be fine.”– You are fine, Lulu!
“In the meantime, how have you been Anita?“- tired but fine as well. The rain stopped, summer is approaching quickly..
Take good care of yourself, Lovely Lulu!
anita
anita
May 11, 2024 at 11:38 am in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432582anitaParticipant(I give up… that’s what happens when you type under water, lol)
May 11, 2024 at 11:37 am in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432581anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:“The other uncles, some of them took it upon themselves to ‘teach me’ things. If I didn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’, I would be pinched, hard. If I didn’t say ‘uncle’ before their name I would be tickled to tears, void of breath and bruises… My grandpa was never home. When he was home, he was stingy and rude, but also a social butterfly and philosophical when he was in a good mood“- this gives me a bit of a look into the home in which your father grew up. Seems like he took on his father’s stingy attitude and social butterfly persona.I imagine that if your father didn’t say “please” or “thank you”, he too was strongly disapproved of, punished in some way. So, he said please and thank you and all other social-butterfly expressions, but didn’t mean any of them, forming a superficial persona, saying all the right things but not meaning them, remaining on the surface, avoiding depth.But angry within for not saying what he meant, for not being allowed to speak genuinely.When you lived in his home, as a teenager, he was angry that you allowed yourself what he wasn’t allowed: to leave traces of yourself around the house, while he, growing up, had to hide genuine traces of himself.The first time you shared about him was on Oct 11 last year (I will add my comments to what you share in parentheses, boldfaced): “My dad is highly superficial (highly superficial)… When my car was stolen… he took all the insurance money and justified not giving any of it to me (stingy)… when I lived with him alone from 16-20… he would make fun of me if I was sitting at home watching tv mid-day I would not hear the end of it, judging me, saying.. ‘you are lazy’ (growing up, he wasn’t allowed to relax in front of the TV, told he was lazy)… He was very critical (growing up, his genuine self was strongly criticized), I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset (growing up, his genuine self was not allowed visibility, he had to hide it)… Every 3 months… he would list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house… My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him, or if I was upstairs when he got home, I was expected to come had conversation with him (“he demanded visibility, wanting you to see him when he was home, not to be ignored)”.The email he sent you recently, following you staying in one of his houses: “I am so happy you had such a wonderful time. Makes me feel good about the investment I made into our family’s future!… Love you and feel so proud, blessed, fortunate to be able to offer that luxury to one of my favorite people in the world. Miss you! (red heart emoji) ”-– I imagine that when he typed this email, his face was expressionless, not at all congruent with the so happy, makes me feel good, !! and red heart emoji. I think that his elated, optimistic, excited expressions are not genuine. They lack depth. He is doing his social lubrication/ public relations kind of communication with you.Back to your yesterday’s posts:“I think this is why we help each other understand ourselves, because we have a very similar voice in our heads. What do you think?“- I agree. The following didn’t occur to me until this very morning: your father and my mother have this in common: growing up invisible and angrily, demanded excessive visibility from their daughters, your father, during his “house cleaning” sessions; my mother, during her poor-me, histrionic sessions.In my mother’s excessive demands that I see her caused me to set my eyes on her, to not see me or anyone, but her.“In moments of fight/flight/freeze I have always been such a fighter“- a fighting sea turtle (sea turtles chase, bite, hit with their shells, butt heads, literally.. so I read).“You are so humble, self-reflective, and amazing for admitting this here“- thank you.“On one hand I find this old interpretation validating… because I don’t feel like I am the only one who does this… On the other hand, it is disheartening, because as someone I look up to, someone I see as farther in her healing than I am, the fact you still experience and give energy to this voice… that means that voice still tries to attack even later in my healing journey as well. I want to rid it for good!!“- patience, young grasshopper.. I mean, young sea turtle, lol. (and patience, anita). The voice does get weaker. It’s not loud, and it doesn’t take center stage like it used to.“I saw him through my dad’s perspective of me, ‘you are not attentive enough.’ If I did not make him feel heard, I was what my dad said… ‘you are not enough.‘“- growing up, he felt invisible, unheard, unseen. Fast forward, as an adult, he demanded that you see him. But his core emotional unseen experience was cemented within him before you were born. It was not, and is not in your power to dissolve his cement.Interesting, how by demanding that you see him, he created your core emotional unseen experience, about which we talked in the past, an experience that’s in the process of being dissolved, good job, Seaturtle!“The voice within me is ‘nothing is enough.’ … Hence my fear of being disappointed! So to heal I need to believe, everything is enough the way it is.. ?… I wonder if having compassion for his undeniable misery and exhaustion, can be helpful to me in some way..“- having compassion for yourself and seeing you will be helpful. As well as seeing him the way he is underneath his social lubrication/ public relationship presentation. See him wit your third eye.“I have had many people in my life tell me my authentic self was selfish. My dad, my ex, my sisters, and now a childhood friend, P. When I spoke with P she said I lacked empathy for her ADHD that caused her to talk over me. And that I lacked empathy for her relationship situation.. Am I just supposed to not believe them?”- for anyone who (1) knows how sensitive you are about being told that you are selfish, and (2) is willing to exploit your sensitivity and use it as a weapon against you.. will accuse you for being selfish and hold you captive.Therefore, if 1 & 2 is true to P, then, yes, don’t believe her. (By the way, talking excessively and over another person, as P does, is by definition a selfish behavior).Your father created this sensitivity in you and I’m guessing that your sisters became aware of this sensitivity over the years, willing to use it against you..?“At 25 I want all the people who said my authentic self is bad to see that it is not and to tell me that it is not“- it serves some people’s selfish interest to say that you are bad, people who want to feel better at your expense.“My soul is so beautiful but he put this huge scar on it that makes it hard for me to fully express myself… This is why I do believe I have a beautiful soul, and so do you!… We will never see ourselves as good if we look through their lens. But you can look through mine if you want“- I am envisioning a sea turtle deep in the ocean, silently swimming toward me, it’s very quiet deep in the water. I see your eyes as you approach, kind, brown sea turtle eyes.I say to the sea turtle: sea turtle, when you are close enough to a shark, and you look into the shark’s eyes, you will not see your authentic self. You will see a predator approaching his/ her meal.I will close my imagery with a dolphin-anita swimming side by side with a sea turtle in a blue-purple deep sea.anitaMay 11, 2024 at 11:34 am in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432580anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:“The other uncles, some of them took it upon themselves to ‘teach me’ things. If I didn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’, I would be pinched, hard. If I didn’t say ‘uncle’ before their name I would be tickled to tears, void of breath and bruises… My grandpa was never home. When he was home, he was stingy and rude, but also a social butterfly and philosophical when he was in a good mood“- this gives me a bit of a look into the home in which your father grew up. Seems like he took on his father’s stingy attitude and social butterfly persona.I imagine that if your father didn’t say “please” or “thank you”, he too was strongly disapproved of, punished in some way. So, he said please and thank you and all other social-butterfly expressions, but didn’t mean any of them, forming a superficial persona, saying all the right things but not meaning them, remaining on the surface, avoiding depth.But angry within for not saying what he meant, for not being allowed to speak genuinely.When you lived in his home, as a teenager, he was angry that you allowed yourself what he wasn’t allowed: to leave traces of yourself around the house, while he, growing up, had to hide genuine traces of himself.The first time you shared about him was on Oct 11 last year (I will add my comments to what you share in parentheses, boldfaced): “My dad is highly superficial (highly superficial)… When my car was stolen… he took all the insurance money and justified not giving any of it to me (stingy)… when I lived with him alone from 16-20… he would make fun of me if I was sitting at home watching tv mid-day I would not hear the end of it, judging me, saying.. ‘you are lazy’ (growing up, he wasn’t allowed to relax in front of the TV, told he was lazy)… He was very critical (growing up, his genuine self was strongly criticized), I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset (growing up, his genuine self was not allowed visibility, he had to hide it)… Every 3 months… he would list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house… My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him, or if I was upstairs when he got home, I was expected to come had conversation with him (“he demanded visibility, wanting you to see him when he was home, not to be ignored)”.The email he sent you recently, following you staying in one of his houses: “I am so happy you had such a wonderful time. Makes me feel good about the investment I made into our family’s future!… Love you and feel so proud, blessed, fortunate to be able to offer that luxury to one of my favorite people in the world. Miss you! (red heart emoji) ”-– I imagine that when he typed this email, his face was expressionless, not at all congruent with the so happy, makes me feel good, !! and red heart emoji. I think that his elated, optimistic, excited expressions are not genuine. They lack depth. He is doing his social lubrication/ public relations kind of communication with you.Back to your yesterday’s posts:“I think this is why we help each other understand ourselves, because we have a very similar voice in our heads. What do you think?“- I agree. The following didn’t occur to me until this very morning: your father and my mother have this in common: growing up invisible and angrily, demanded excessive visibility from their daughters, your father, during his “house cleaning” sessions; my mother, during her poor-me, histrionic sessions.In my mother’s excessive demands that I see her caused me to set my eyes on her, to not see me or anyone, but her.“In moments of fight/flight/freeze I have always been such a fighter“- a fighting sea turtle (sea turtles chase, bite, hit with their shells, butt heads, literally.. so I read).“You are so humble, self-reflective, and amazing for admitting this here“- thank you.“On one hand I find this old interpretation validating… because I don’t feel like I am the only one who does this… On the other hand, it is disheartening, because as someone I look up to, someone I see as farther in her healing than I am, the fact you still experience and give energy to this voice… that means that voice still tries to attack even later in my healing journey as well. I want to rid it for good!!“- patience, young grasshopper.. I mean, young sea turtle, lol. (and patience, anita). The voice does get weaker. It’s not loud, and it doesn’t take center stage like it used to.“I saw him through my dad’s perspective of me, ‘you are not attentive enough.’ If I did not make him feel heard, I was what my dad said… ‘you are not enough.‘“- growing up, he felt invisible, unheard, unseen. Fast forward, as an adult, he demanded that you see him. But his core emotional unseen experience was cemented within him before you were born. It was not, and is not in your power to dissolve his cement.Interesting, how by demanding that you see him, he created your core emotional unseen experience, about which we talked in the past, an experience that’s in the process of being dissolved, good job, Seaturtle!“The voice within me is ‘nothing is enough.’ … Hence my fear of being disappointed! So to heal I need to believe, everything is enough the way it is.. ?… I wonder if having compassion for his undeniable misery and exhaustion, can be helpful to me in some way..“- having compassion for yourself and seeing you will be helpful. As well as seeing him the way he is underneath his social lubrication/ public relationship presentation. See him wit your third eye.“I have had many people in my life tell me my authentic self was selfish. My dad, my ex, my sisters, and now a childhood friend, P. When I spoke with P she said I lacked empathy for her ADHD that caused her to talk over me. And that I lacked empathy for her relationship situation.. Am I just supposed to not believe them?”- for anyone who (1) knows how sensitive you are about being told that you are selfish, and (2) is willing to exploit your sensitivity and use it as a weapon against you.. will accuse you for being selfish and hold you captive.Therefore, if 1 & 2 is true to P, then, yes, don’t believe her. (By the way, talking excessively and over another person, as P does, is by definition a selfish behavior).Your father created this sensitivity in you and I’m guessing that your sisters became aware of this sensitivity over the years, willing to use it against you..?“At 25 I want all the people who said my authentic self is bad to see that it is not and to tell me that it is not“- it serves some people’s selfish interest to say that you are bad, people who want to feel better at your expense.“My soul is so beautiful but he put this huge scar on it that makes it hard for me to fully express myself… This is why I do believe I have a beautiful soul, and so do you!… We will never see ourselves as good if we look through their lens. But you can look through mine if you want“- I am envisioning a sea turtle deep in the ocean, silently swimming toward me, it’s very quiet deep in the water. I see your eyes as you approach, kind, brown sea turtle eyes.I say to the sea turtle: sea turtle, when you are close enough to a shark, and you look into the shark’s eyes, you will not see your authentic self. You will see a predator approaching his/ her meal.I will close my imagery with a dolphin-anita swimming side by side with a sea turtle in a blue-purple deep sea.anitaMay 11, 2024 at 11:31 am in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432579anitaParticipant* This post may appear messy with excess print. If that happens, ignore this post and I will submit a cleaned copy next.Dear Seaturtle:“The other uncles, some of them took it upon themselves to ‘teach me’ things. If I didn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’, I would be pinched, hard. If I didn’t say ‘uncle’ before their name I would be tickled to tears, void of breath and bruises… My grandpa was never home. When he was home, he was stingy and rude, but also a social butterfly and philosophical when he was in a good mood“- this gives me a bit of a look into the home in which your father grew up. Seems like he took on his father’s stingy attitude and social butterfly persona.I imagine that if your father didn’t say “please” or “thank you”, he too was strongly disapproved of, punished in some way. So, he said please and thank you and all other social-butterfly expressions, but didn’t mean any of them, forming a superficial persona, saying all the right things but not meaning them, remaining on the surface, avoiding depth.But angry within for not saying what he meant, for not being allowed to speak genuinely.When you lived in his home, as a teenager, he was angry that you allowed yourself what he wasn’t allowed: to leave traces of yourself around the house, while he, growing up, had to hide genuine traces of himself.The first time you shared about him was on Oct 11 last year (I will add my comments to what you share in parentheses, boldfaced): “My dad is highly superficial (highly superficial)… When my car was stolen… he took all the insurance money and justified not giving any of it to me (stingy)… when I lived with him alone from 16-20… he would make fun of me if I was sitting at home watching tv mid-day I would not hear the end of it, judging me, saying.. ‘you are lazy’ (growing up, he wasn’t allowed to relax in front of the TV, told he was lazy)… He was very critical (growing up, his genuine self was strongly criticized), I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset (growing up, his genuine self was not allowed visibility, he had to hide it)… Every 3 months… he would list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house… My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him, or if I was upstairs when he got home, I was expected to come had conversation with him (“he demanded visibility, wanting you to see him when he was home, not to be ignored)”.The email he sent you recently, following you staying in one of his houses: “I am so happy you had such a wonderful time. Makes me feel good about the investment I made into our family’s future!… Love you and feel so proud, blessed, fortunate to be able to offer that luxury to one of my favorite people in the world. Miss you! (red heart emoji) ”-– I imagine that when he typed this email, his face was expressionless, not at all congruent with the so happy, makes me feel good, !! and red heart emoji. I think that his elated, optimistic, excited expressions are not genuine. They lack depth. He is doing his social lubrication/ public relations kind of communication with you.Back to your yesterday’s posts:“I think this is why we help each other understand ourselves, because we have a very similar voice in our heads. What do you think?“- I agree. The following didn’t occur to me until this very morning: your father and my mother have this in common: growing up invisible and angrily, demanded excessive visibility from their daughters, your father, during his “house cleaning” sessions; my mother, during her poor-me, histrionic sessions.In my mother’s excessive demands that I see her caused me to set my eyes on her, to not see me or anyone, but her.“In moments of fight/flight/freeze I have always been such a fighter“- a fighting sea turtle (sea turtles chase, bite, hit with their shells, butt heads, literally.. so I read).“You are so humble, self-reflective, and amazing for admitting this here“- thank you.“On one hand I find this old interpretation validating… because I don’t feel like I am the only one who does this… On the other hand, it is disheartening, because as someone I look up to, someone I see as farther in her healing than I am, the fact you still experience and give energy to this voice… that means that voice still tries to attack even later in my healing journey as well. I want to rid it for good!!“- patience, young grasshopper.. I mean, young sea turtle, lol. (and patience, anita). The voice does get weaker. It’s not loud, and it doesn’t take center stage like it used to.“I saw him through my dad’s perspective of me, ‘you are not attentive enough.’ If I did not make him feel heard, I was what my dad said… ‘you are not enough.‘“- growing up, he felt invisible, unheard, unseen. Fast forward, as an adult, he demanded that you see him. But his core emotional unseen experience was cemented within him before you were born. It was not, and is not in your power to dissolve his cement.Interesting, how by demanding that you see him, he created your core emotional unseen experience, about which we talked in the past, an experience that’s in the process of being dissolved, good job, Seaturtle!“The voice within me is ‘nothing is enough.’ … Hence my fear of being disappointed! So to heal I need to believe, everything is enough the way it is.. ?… I wonder if having compassion for his undeniable misery and exhaustion, can be helpful to me in some way..“- having compassion for yourself and seeing you will be helpful. As well as seeing him the way he is underneath his social lubrication/ public relationship presentation. See him wit your third eye.“I have had many people in my life tell me my authentic self was selfish. My dad, my ex, my sisters, and now a childhood friend, P. When I spoke with P she said I lacked empathy for her ADHD that caused her to talk over me. And that I lacked empathy for her relationship situation.. Am I just supposed to not believe them?”- for anyone who (1) knows how sensitive you are about being told that you are selfish, and (2) is willing to exploit your sensitivity and use it as a weapon against you.. will accuse you for being selfish and hold you captive.Therefore, if 1 & 2 is true to P, then, yes, don’t believe her. (By the way, talking excessively and over another person, as P does, is by definition a selfish behavior).Your father created this sensitivity in you and I’m guessing that your sisters became aware of this sensitivity over the years, willing to use it against you..?“At 25 I want all the people who said my authentic self is bad to see that it is not and to tell me that it is not“- it serves some people’s selfish interest to say that you are bad, people who want to feel better at your expense.“My soul is so beautiful but he put this huge scar on it that makes it hard for me to fully express myself… This is why I do believe I have a beautiful soul, and so do you!… We will never see ourselves as good if we look through their lens. But you can look through mine if you want“- I am envisioning a sea turtle deep in the ocean, silently swimming toward me, it’s very quiet deep in the water. I see your eyes as you approach, kind, brown sea turtle eyes.I say to the sea turtle: sea turtle, when you are close enough to a shark, and you look into the shark’s eyes, you will not see your authentic self. You will see a predator approaching his/ her meal.I will close my imagery with a dolphin-anita swimming side by side with a sea turtle in a blue-purple deep sea.anitaanitaParticipantContinued:
I am feeling extremely tired, unfocused and emotionally raw, so I thought I would type whatever comes to mind:
it’s okay, I didn’t have a mother (what a mother is supposed to be), but that’s okay. I am okay. I am okay. Calm. Shh… calm that noise, that restless energy-in-motion within, that unsettling energy. Shh… it’s okay. I am okay.
The sun is bright outside, the trees and grass so green (in front of me, seen through the open window). Life as usual, it was always there no matter how dead I felt. Ah, life, a magnificent thing, life seeking life. I am seeking life. I let go of my past, I let it go. I no longer identify with my past. I now identify with life, everything’s life, everyone’s life, just.. Life.
anita
anitaParticipantDear (now) Anonymous:
You are welcome to return to your thread under a different account, if you change your mind, and would like my positive and empathetic (I promise!) reply.
anita
May 10, 2024 at 1:02 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432557anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle (a purple heart emoji or two):
I am so tired, exceptionally exhausted and it’s early afternoon, sunny outside and I want to sleep, only I rarely sleep during the day. I read some of your post, not focused enough, but I don’t need to be very focused to detect you being a good person..!!! And yes, the voice in our minds is similar.
And better not underestimate the persistence of the habits of the mind. The voice, by now, is a mental habit. It takes Noticing the voice speaking to us, Pausing and Addressing the situation objectively, then correcting the distorted thoughts delivered by the Voice. I’ll write more Sat morning. Have a good rest of the day, lovely Seaturtle!
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
This Friday morning, I will be re-reading my previous posts in page 1 of this thread, starting with the original post on March 2, two months and 8 days ago, and commenting:
Fear is different from Anxiety. Fear that is short-term energizes and maximizes function; fear that is long-term, aka Anxiety, weakens and minimizes function. Fear is a powerful e-motion, energy in motion. This powerful energy is designed to be experienced for a short amount of time, so to run away from, or to fight (to cause harm to a threatening animal/ person outside oneself). When this energy is experienced long-term, when there is no fighting that eliminates the threat, and no running away from the threat, this powerful energy is directed inward, harming the inside. I am experiencing this long-term energy in motion in the form of tics which create pain in my right shoulder at this time. This energy is also stopping me from taking full breaths, it’s contracting my diaphragm muscles, my shoulder muscles and other muscles without my intent of consent. And it’s hurting, yet it keeps happening.
When my mother attacked me, I was afraid. Sometimes I was angry. But I didn’t run away and I didn’t fight. The powerful emotions of fear and resulting anger turned against my own body and weakened me, rendering me helpless in life beyond the attacks. There really is nothing at all that’s beneficial or advantageous about anxiety, it’s all harmful.
It was not only when attacked that I felt fear that turned into anxiety, but also when not attacked, when watching and hearing my very stressed, hyper-emotional mother, particularly during her histrionic displays of self-pity and suicidal talk. Her chronic stress led to my chronic stress in the absence of attacks. Anxiety/ chronic stress caused my Attention Deficit Disorder and other cognitive dysfunctions.
Fear increases the focus on the outside of oneself, and therefore, it promotes Survival; Anxiety (chronic stress) decreases the focus on the outside, and therefore, it impedes survival.
Fear stops Time (one’s sense of time, that is) from moving for a little while; Anxiety stops Times from moving for decades; too often, for a lifetime. The anxious, chronically stressed person keep re-living the same emotional experience of the past. It is emotional-history on repeat. Anxiety prolongs the past, extending it into the present.
Anxiety is like glue that is keeping past shame, hurt, and guilt in the present.
Of all the people in the world, it is this one person (my mother) who took it upon herself to personally, directly, and severely harm me, and having done so for decades.
True. This is her legacy in my life.
She did kind things for other people. Some people, strangers, probably know her to be a good person and nothing other than good.
She was not a bad person to me all the time. She was kind to me many times, over the years, but then she guilt-tripped me over those acts of kindness (using her moments of kindness against me sooner or later), leaving me with no positive experiences with her or in connection to her.
And then, there were the “conversations” we had, initiated by me for the purpose of making things better between me and her, such that were aborted as soon as I pointed anything at all to her that could question her misrepresentation of herself as a Good mother and a Victim vs me, a Bad daughter and her Victimizer. She just wouldn’t, couldn’t budge from this misrepresentation. She argued against me using distorted logic, shifting focus from the relevant to the irrelevant, re-inventing/ misrepresenting past events and exchanges.. saying just anything, however illogical or senseless, so to maintain her misrepresentation. And so, I continued to be.. her victim.
Next- page 2.
anita
May 10, 2024 at 7:38 am in reply to: Lonely Confused Depressed and reaching the end of my rope #432541anitaParticipantDear Nate:
You are 21, friendly, likeable, and you don’t have a problem with making friends with girls and getting their numbers, (“I’ve made friends with so many girls this semester and gotten so many numbers… I have plenty of friends and people really seem to like me“).
You are a single guy, and you like your space, freedom and independence as a single guy: no girlfriend to invade your space, no girlfriend to interrupt you doing what you want to do, when you want to do it, how and with whom (“I’m really always in my own space doing what I want, when I want, how I want, with who I want, and I like it like that“).
Many of the girls you meet have no purpose, or if they have a purpose, their “purpose is loving somebody“. They are girls who need a boyfriend and who will follow their boyfriend. But what you want is a girlfriend who is not a follower, but a leader; a girlfriend who has a different purpose than loving someone, and who is focused on that purpose, not on you. You.. need a girlfriend who will not need you at all (“I want… a leader. I want a girl who… absolutely doesn’t need me… and passionate about her purpose“).
Having a girlfriend who will need you, a girlfriend who will rely on you would be too much pressure for you (“I can’t handle that pressure“), the idea of it freaks you out (“someone who relies on me too much or seems like they’ll rely on me too much doesn’t sit well with me and freaks me out“).
You remember little of your childhood, much of it spent alone with your grandmother who “needed help because well she was old“.
It seems to me that, as a child, your parents were absent a lot (perhaps working, perhaps they were not married and busy otherwise), and you spent a lot of time with your grandmother who wasn’t able to give you much attention and companionship. And so, you were on your own a lot, playing alone, entertaining yourself, doing what you wanted to do, when and how you wanted it (“I’ve always kind of been on my own devices and independent I don’t even know how to have someone else“)… as long as you behaved well, and you behaved well, so you required little attention and supervision by your older grandmother and absent parents.
You ended your 4th post with: “I have a habit of just ignoring girls who like me because of how picky I get, but if they like me early or easily, suddenly I just don’t like them back anymore… I barely can meet girls who check off my list. I just wish somebody would love and validate me, instead of it being the other way around, but then when that happens, I get defensive because I don’t trust it, or just plain uninterested in it like some sociopath.“-
– I think that as a child, being left alone a lot (if this is what happened), you got used to solitude and found comfort in it. You got habituated to solitude. Fast forward, a bit too much togetherness feels very uncomfortable, it freaks you out.
And so, solitude is your preference. But you are not anti-social, you still need people, and a girlfriend, but in limited ways, such that will not interrupt your solitude too much. This is why you want a super-independent girlfriend, one who will be passionately focused on a purpose other than love, other than you.. so that she’ll leave you alone a lot, alone in your comfortable solitude.
anita
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