Dear Rising Flower:

I hope that you are well and that I will be reading from you again. I want to respond to you more positively and empathetically this morning, a month and a day after my last post to you (and assuming the issues you shared about have not yet been resolved, at least not completely):

Navigating the complexities of an arranged marriage, falling for someone else, and dealing with the emotional fallout is an huge burden. Your initial marriage to H, a kind and caring person, and the subsequent entanglement with L, who manipulated your emotions, created a situation filled with conflict and guilt.

The ongoing manipulation and blame from L, despite his marriage to another woman, have understandably caused more emotional turmoil. It’s clear that L’s behavior—his dishonesty, anger issues, and neglect—has significantly impacted your well-being.

Despite recognizing the unhealthy nature of your relationship with L and your own emotional maturity, it’s natural to struggle with deep, complex feelings. Your accidental pregnancy and miscarriage add another layer of emotional pain. It’s important to acknowledge the strength it takes to navigate these challenges and continue seeking healing, and that it’s okay to feel conflicted and to struggle with detaching from someone who has been a significant part of your life for over a decade.

I think that it is the intense emotional roller coaster (highs and lows) of love, hope, disappointment, and pain made it very difficult for you to establish clear boundaries and detach from L: when things are going well, the feelings of joy, love, and connection with L are (I imagine) incredibly intense. These positive emotions create strong, happy memories that overshadow the negative experiences. During the highs, L likely provides affection and validation, which makes you feel valued and loved, reinforcing your attachment to him.

The lows involve conflict, mistreatment, and emotional pain. These experiences are also intense but on the opposite end of the emotional spectrum. The highs and lows create an unpredictable pattern of reinforcement. This is a powerful psychological mechanism where occasional rewards (emotional highs) make the individual crave more, despite the presence of negative experiences (lows).

This pattern is similar to gambling or other addictive behaviors, where the occasional win (positive interaction) keeps the person engaged and hoping for more.

This cycle of highs and lows can lead to trauma bonding, where the individual becomes emotionally dependent on the person causing the pain. The rare moments of affection and kindness are seen as relief from the pain, making them more potent.

I hope that further understanding the addictive power of emotional cycles of high and lows, such as the one you are experiencing (if you still do), as well as the concept of trauma bonding are, or will be helpful to you. Please continue to prioritize your well-being and seek support from therapy and trusted individuals. Your journey is unique, and your emotions are valid. Healing is a gradual process, and it’s okay to take the time you need.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you continue to navigate this complex journey!

anita

M e R r Y C h R i S t M a S M e, as merry as possible, for you and for your father 🎄❄️

anita

M e R r Y C h R i S t M a S A n T a R K a L a 🎄🎅 ✨❄️ 🎁 😊 !

anita

I hope you and your family are doing well this Christmas day, Lulu 🎄❄️

anita

M e R r Y C h R i S t M a S again, E v F r A n 🎄🎅 ✨❄️ 🎁 😊 !

M e R r Y C h R i S t M a S, B e N i 🎄🎅 ✨❄️ 🎁 😊 !

anita

Dear Kristen:

I am so sorry to read about the tragic loss of your sweet mourning dove. I can feel the immense pain and guilt you’re experiencing, and my heart goes out to you during this difficult time.

It’s evident how much you adored her and how honored you felt to have her in your life. She clearly brought a lot of love and joy to your home, and you provided her with a sense of freedom and companionship that she cherished.

Accidents can happen, even when we’re being as careful as possible. It’s important to remember that you gave her a loving home and did your best to protect her. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, unforeseen things happen, and it’s not a reflection of our care or intentions.

Please be kind to yourself. The guilt you feel is a natural response to such a heartbreaking event, but it doesn’t diminish the love and care you provided. Try to focus on the beautiful moments you shared with her and the happiness she brought into your life.

If it’s helpful, consider creating a small memorial for her or dedicating some time to reflect on the joy she brought you. This might help in finding a way to honor her memory and the special bond you shared.

Grieving is a process, and it’s okay to take the time you need to heal. Surround yourself with supportive people who understand and empathize with your feelings.

Sending you strength and comfort.

anita