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anitaParticipantDear Kane:
Your story is profoundly moving. It’s a reminder that our first loves shape us profoundly, and it is a testament to the human spirit’s capacity for growth and adaptation. It’s a reminder that while external advice and support are valuable, the true change comes from within.
I admire your ability to express such deep emotions and complex thoughts through your writing. Your journey, marked by resilience and the pursuit of love and meaning, is inspiring.
The boy’s primary desire is to love purely and genuinely, above all other pursuits. Despite experiencing pain, he continues to love. The pain of his first love compels him to explore other forms of love and interests, such as curiosity and learning. Despite new interests, his original love remains a central part of him. The boy expresses that his ability to love is intrinsic to his being and purpose.
“Love has to be somewhere, to exist”-Love must have a focus or object to be real and meaningful.
“He loved to love“- the boy’s essence is defined by his capacity to love, which remains steadfast despite challenges.
“I went through nihilism, despite knowing what I wanted out of life”– you acknowledge a period of nihilism, where life seemed meaningless.
“Advice will only go as far as you’ll allow it”-Personal effort and willingness are essential for making meaningful changes.
“Seek out something to make that ember grow back to what it once was before: to love again”– The ultimate goal is to reignite the passion and love for life that may have been lost.
Your post is a profound exploration of the nature of love, personal growth, and the search for meaning. It combines a narrative with philosophical reflection to convey that love, in its many forms, is central to human existence. The story emphasizes resilience, the transformative power of love, and the importance of personal effort in overcoming adversity.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kane:
Thank you for sharing more, and for sharing so deeply and openly about your struggles. Your words convey a profound sense of pain, love, and conflict, and it’s clear that you have been carrying a heavy burden for a long time.
“There is no ‘loyalty,’ no ‘obligation,’ everything is unconscious, in smoke, in their pain and unconscious hurting that made it torturous”– you express a deep sense of frustration and pain about the lack of conscious awareness and intentionality within their family, which includes a lack of conscious loyalty on the part of your family.
“like a spectator to watch them foolishly hurt each other as a kid, as I understood as such too early”– from a young age, you felt like an outsider, witnessing the family’s harmful interactions, and this early understanding exacerbated your sense of helplessness.
“All I could do when I was young was love them”– Despite the negativity, your primary response was love, showing a deep emotional investment in your family.
“I feel like a baby still with their umbilical cord attached, remove it, and I’m gone”– This metaphor illustrates an intense dependency on your family for emotional support and stability, indicating that leaving your family feels like an existential threat.
“I had a mental breakdown to where I just slept for weeks on end, stuck in a constant mental state of nihilism… music saved me”– you experienced severe mental health challenges, including a breakdown characterized by extreme fatigue and nihilism. Music played a crucial role in your recovery, providing a sense of purpose and something to fight for beyond yourself.
“If I was given the option to take my family’s place… I would’ve taken that the first chance I got… I honestly struggle to have something to be selfish about”– you express a willingness to sacrifice yourself for your family, and you struggle to find reasons to value yourself independently of your family.
“I have no ability to survive on my own nor have the ability to do so, nor the mental capacity to honestly survive without some connection holding me steady”– you feel incapable of surviving independently, both practically and emotionally, emphasizing your dependency on your family.
“I don’t want to see their lives fall on their faces”– There is an underlying sense of responsibility and anguish over the potential negative consequences for your family if you leave.
“For how strong I feel I am… I know how fragile my life truly is”– you feel a paradoxical combination of strength and fragility, recognizing your resilience but also your vulnerability.
“I have to live terrified, disgusted, and hateful with that fact”– There is a profound sense of inner conflict and disgust stemming from both the family dynamics and your own emotional responses.
“My knowledge and wisdom leaves me to despise it all the more… my knowledge is useless without power”– you feel that your wisdom and understanding led you to a deeper disillusionment with life and its inherent flaws.
“I feed the dog in my home cause no one else does… I comfort my mother cause almost no one else will”– acts of care for your dog and mother provide a sense of purpose and validation, highlighting your role as a caregiver within the family.
“I honestly struggle to see them caring if I leave or go”– you feel unappreciated and doubt that their family would notice or care if you left, which contributes to your feelings of worthlessness.
Overall, you feel trapped between a profound sense of duty and love for your family and the immense personal suffering caused by staying with your family. You have a deep emotional attachment to your family, despite the pain they have caused. This attachment is rooted in love and a desire to see them thrive.
Kane, I want to acknowledge the immense love and dedication you have shown towards your family. Your willingness to sacrifice yourself for their well-being speaks volumes about your character. However, I urge you to consider this:Your worth is not determined by the sacrifices you make. It’s crucial to recognize that, while your intentions are noble, sacrificing yourself is not likely to change your family’s situation. They will continue to have their struggles, with or without your self-sacrifice.
It’s essential to understand that you cannot help others effectively if you are not well yourself. Your well-being is the foundation upon which you can build a more fulfilling life and perhaps, eventually, a healthier relationship with your family. By focusing on your own growth and mental health, you might find the strength and clarity to better navigate your relationships. By taking care of yourself, you will be in a stronger position to help others if you choose to, but you should prioritize your well-being first.
Someone needs to love and care for you, and that someone starts with you. It’s evident that you have not received the love and care you deserve from your family. This is not your fault, and it does not define your worth. You have the right to seek happiness, fulfillment, and love.
Consider taking steps towards self-care and personal growth. Seek support from people who can guide you. Investing in yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary. You deserve to experience a life where you are valued and loved for who you are.
Remember, your potential is vast, and your wisdom is a gift. Use it to empower yourself and find the strength to create a better future, not just for others, but for yourself. I believe that psychotherapy/ counseling can very much help you.
Personally, I grew up with a mother who suffered a lot, and she blamed me for some of her suffering. There was nothing that I was not willing to do to make her happy, but all my child-like ways to maker her happy failed. I was never enough to make her happy, not as a child, not as an adult. I grew up, and lived most of my life, as if I have no value unless I make her happy. And because I failed, I consistently lived as if I was worthless. I couldn’t- wasn’t able- to feel worthy as long as my mother was unhappy: unhappy with me, unhappy with life.
I internalize my mother’s unhappiness as my own failure to provide happiness. This created a sense of dependency where my self-worth was tied to my mother’s emotional state. I believed that love and approval from my mother were conditional on making her happy, and felt unworthy for having failed to make her happy. This perception was deeply ingrained in me.
Because my mother also blamed me for part of her unhappiness, I internalized this blame, and felt responsible for my mother’s emotions, leading to a sense of guilt and unworthiness.
In addition, I grew up in an environment where my emotional needs were not met or acknowledged by anyone (father, teachers, family members), as far as I know, and so, I felt that my feelings and efforts were insignificant. This lack of support led to a diminished sense of self-worth, especially when combined with my mother’s ongoing unhappiness and her guilt- tripping me.
Emotionally, as a child, I took on a caregiving role, trying to support or emotionally stabilize my mother. This role reversal (aka parentification) made me feel overly responsible for my mother’s well-being. Failure to succeed in this role can led to deep feelings of worthlessness and failure.
During childhood, self-esteem is highly influenced by parental feedback and emotional climate at home. A consistently unhappy mother/ parent creates an environment where a child feels they can never do enough, leading to poor self-esteem and a constant sense of inadequacy. I didn’t realize- as a child, and long after- that children are not equipped to handle such complex emotional responsibilities as making a mother happy. Even a certified and educated psychotherapist cannot accomplish such a task without a lot of professional work and cooperation from the client.
As a child and onward, I lacked the emotional maturity, the education.. the intelligence, the mental-emotional health and.. the certificate to help my mother, even if she thought of me as worthy and capable, which is a condition to being helped. The person needing help has to value the person trying to help in order to be helped. As much as I tried to help her, I failed.
Like you expressed earlier, for the longest time, I felt that I was attached (to my mother) via the umbilical chord. I felt that I couldn’t breathe without her. I was very conflicted during my teenage years: I wanted to be away from her and I felt like I couldn’t- and shouldn’t- live without her unless she is happy first.
Teenage years are supposed to be a time of seeking independence and forming a separate identity, and I indeed daydreamed about living away from her, but I was trapped by overwhelming emotional dependency on her. I desired independence while feeling unable to detach from my mother. I was emotionally enmeshed with her: the boundaries between me as an individual, and my mother (as I perceived her) were blurred.
I felt that my own existence and well-being were secondary to my mother’s emotional state, strongly believing that I must ensure her happiness before I pursue my own. The conflict between seeking independence and feeling responsible for my mother’s happiness greatly hindered my personal growth and development, and so, I lived most of my adult life feeling- and behaving- like the troubled child I was early on.
If you think/ feel that our experiences were- are similar, and you would like to know about my journey into a sense of individual identity separate from my mother’s identity (her identity as I perceived it), please let me know.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kane:
You are welcome, good to read from you again!
“Removing the gift and abilities I have because of this damnable situation, its maddening”– reads like you feel that your family is stifling your talents and abilities, holding you back, and that is causing you significant distress and frustration.
“I can be so happy, I can even settle for a lesser happiness if I were to leave”– reads like you believe that your current environment/ family is the primary barrier to your happiness, and that leaving your family could lead to happiness.
“What they mean to me despite it all, and my need for a ‘family’ in my life is too much to sacrifice”– you acknowledge the importance of family and the emotional need for familial connections. But this need is preventing you from leaving, despite the negative impact on your well-being.
“I have sacrificed enough”– you express a profound sense of exhaustion and a feeling that you have already given up too much for the sake of connection to your family.
“They had lived unconsciously”– you perceive your family as living without awareness/ intentionality, accepting societal norms and expectations without question.
“My family has adapted to the lifestyle of being okay with how they are cause they know no better”-you feel that your family has settled into a way of life that they have accepted because they are unaware of better alternatives. There’s a lack of aspiration for improvement.
“My mother knows no better, and can’t do no better, not only out of the little time she has supporting us, but of her energy and ability to”– you acknowledge that your mother is limited by her circumstances. She lacks the knowledge, time, energy, and ability to make significant changes, due to the demands of supporting the family.
“My siblings are still lost in their search of finding what they want in life”– your siblings are struggling to find their direction and purpose in life. This search is ongoing and unresolved.
“In their search that is hurting those around them, each other, mom, and me”– your siblings’ quest for meaning is causing harm to those around them, including their mother, their actions and behaviors are negatively affecting family dynamics.
“As they aren’t aware or choose to think enough to be aware enough”– you believe that your siblings either lack self-awareness or choose not to reflect deeply on their actions and their impact on others. This lack of awareness exacerbates the family’s struggles.
You are expressing frustration with your family’s acceptance of their current situation, which you view as stagnant and unaspiring. You recognizes that your mother is overburdened and limited by her circumstances, and your siblings are causing harm in their pursuit of direction due to their lack of self-awareness.
“My nature as a learner and curious kid saved and doomed me… I am so different”– your curiosity and desire to learn were both a source of salvation and suffering, making you different from your family, leading to feelings of isolation and conflict.
“I chose to take it at a conscious level every day”– you made a deliberate decision to live with awareness and intentionality, contrasting with what you see as your family’s unconscious way of living.
“Which was stomped on every day till I got in line like them“- despite your efforts to live consciously, you faced constant pressure and suppression from your family who wanted you to conform to their ways.
“As the damage prevented my wisdom and knowledge to have any effect outside of myself”– the psychological and emotional damage inflicted by your family’s suppression limited your ability to apply your wisdom and knowledge in the world, feeling frustrated about wasted potential, and not being able to make a difference.
You express a common, widespread conflict, a conflicts between Authenticity/ Individual Fulfilment and Conformity/ family Obligations.
How to solve this conflict? First, I suggest the following: identify your core values and shift your loyalty from loyalty to your family to => loyalty to your core values.
Prioritize Principles over Personalities.
Second, decide whether to leave your family. This decision is a deeply personal and complex decision that requires careful consideration. If staying is causing you significant emotional and psychological harm, and preventing you from pursuing your own growth, it might be necessary to leave.
Consider whether there is any possibility for improving the family dynamic through communication and setting boundaries. If efforts to create a healthier environment have been exhausted, leaving might be a viable option.
For the purpose of leaving, if that would be your decision, you’d need to ensure that you have a support network outside the family that can offer emotional and practical assistance during the transition.
If you decides to leave, it’s important to do so thoughtfully and respectfully: (1) Ensure this decision is made with clear understanding and not in the heat of emotion, (2) Have a practical plan in place for where you will go, how you will support yourself, and what steps to take for personal growth and well-being,
(3) Have an open and honest conversation with your family about your decision. Explain your feelings and reasons calmly and respectfully, (4) Acknowledge the positive aspects of your family, and express gratitude for the support and love you have received. This can help preserve relationships and prevent feelings of animosity, (5) Let your family know what kind of contact you are comfortable with moving forward.
I will close this post with a poem I found online. It’s called: ” A Journey to Be Free
In the heart where dreams reside, A spirit waits to soar,
Through shadows dark and wide, To find an open door.
The weight of chains unspoken, Has held you long in place,
But now your heart, awoken, Seeks a new and boundless space.
With courage in your stride, And hope within your eyes,
You step beyond the tide, To where your true self lies.
Though the path may twist and wind, And fear may call you back,
In the strength of heart and mind, You’ll stay upon your track.
For in the journey lies your truth, In every step you take,
You’ll find the wisdom of your youth, And dreams that will not break.
So go, with grace and fervor, Embrace the light ahead,
For in your quest for freedom, A vibrant life is spread.
And know, in every heartbeat, You carry all you need,
A spirit strong and steadfast, In every word and deed.”
anita
anitaParticipantDear John/ shinnen:
shinnen= true mind, true or faithful as a state of mind. It implies: thinking and feeling in a way that is sincere and not influenced by external pressures or falsehoods, being loyal to one’s principles, being consistent in one’s thoughts and actions (integrity). It highlights the importance of mental clarity and the pursuit of truth.
I very much like your given name. As a matter of fact, the name John, with which you close your posts, is portrayed in the bible as being true, faithful and a man of integrity, who promoted integrity in others. An example of such call for integrity: “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” – 1 John 3:18.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Rising Flower:
You are welcome, and thank you for your kind words. There’s a smile on my face right now because of the sentiment behind your words.
“I’m not a great believer of God… but I believe there is a super power guiding this world”– you express a belief in a higher power, though not necessarily in a traditional religious sense. This belief influences your view that there is a force guiding your relationship.
“We broke up several times against my (and his) wishes from the past 12 years and still something is bringing us together”– Despite repeated breakups, you feel an inexplicable force that keeps reuniting you with L. This cycle suggests a strong, albeit tumultuous, emotional bond.
“This brings to another whole point… UNCONDITIONAL LOVE”– you acknowledge that your deep, unconditional love for him keeps you in the relationship despite his wrongdoings. This love is a double-edged sword, providing strength but also binding you to an unhealthy dynamic.
“Disregarding my feelings, making unreasonable requests… trying to control me”– you list several significant issues, including emotional neglect, unreasonable demands, and attempts to control you. These behaviors are detrimental to your well-being and autonomy.
“I did every possible thing to cut ties in my heart but… my heart is always excusing him”– Despite your efforts to move on, you find yourself continually making excuses for his behavior, unable to fully sever emotional ties.
“I have every damn good thing in my life to be happy, but I’m not… my heart is always excusing him”– you recognize the good aspects of your life but feel trapped in an emotional loop that prevents you from fully enjoying it. Your ongoing emotional conflict with L hinders your happiness.
“I began to lose hope on my personal life… while I’m emotionally strong and independent”– you are strong and independent..
A thought occurred to me just now for the first time. I’ll express it following bringing together some of the things you shared starting in your original post (I will boldface some of what you shared for emphasis): “I was married in an arranged setup… in my late twenties… as a naïve girl who never was into any kind of relationships to a very nice guy who is very kind and caring. I never had any issues with him… Within less than 2 years of my marriage I fell for a family friend… So I walked out of my marriage… Even though L has done so many wrong things to me and my life, I’m still accepting him in my heart. It’s not even a matter of self-worth, I have several good men in my life who genuinely want to be in my life… it has been 11+ years into this relationship… his circumstances are not allowing him to come into my life… being on an endless life loop.. I would be fine even if I’m obsessive of him or have great burning desire to be with him at any cost… I’m not even like that but just melts for his words and say yes… while I’m emotionally strong and independent“-
– Now in your late 30s, you had very little experience, overall, with romantic relationships, and none before your late 20s. When you finally got married (through arranged marriage, not by choice), despite being married to a kind and caring man, you found yourself making the drastic decision to leave your short marriage, going against your parents, friends and society. This indicates to me that you really, really wanted out of the marriage.
And then, despite recognizing the wrongs L has done, and being that L has not been available to marry you (being that he is married and lacking the moral fiber to do what’s right), you are still attached to him. This attachment keeps you safe from being in an active, ongoing romantic relationship.
There are available men interested in you, but you are not interested in them. You are interested in an unavailable man.
You see herself as an emotionally strong and independent woman, and you are. Thing is, I think that an active, real-life romantic relationship with an available, trustworthy man threatens your sense of strength and independence, therefore, you stayed away from any relationship into your late 20s, got married not by choice, and then shortly after, walked out of it and you remain attached- into your late 30s- to an unavailable and untrustworthy/ unreliable man.. so, to.. remain strong and independent.
You shared above that you are not obsessive of him and that you do not have great burning desire to be with him at any cost.. so, seems to me that his role in your life is to keep you away from a relationship with a trustworthy, available man, keeping yourself strong and independent as a single woman.
I think that L is someone who has served, over the last 11 years or so, to keep you emotionally occupied, so that you are not emotionally available to engage in a new relationship. This dynamic helps explain your continued attachment despite the downsides.
In general, many people who have been through difficult emotional experiences cultivate a strong sense of independence as a way to cope. They take pride in their ability to handle life on their own and see themselves as emotionally self-sufficient. Entering into a new, real-life relationship with an available and trustworthy partner can challenge this self-perception because being in a relationship often requires interdependence, where both partners rely on each other for emotional support. This can feel like a threat to their carefully constructed sense of independence.
Maintaining an attachment to an unavailable partner can provide a sense of control. The dynamics are predictable, and there’s a known distance that can be maintained. This control can feel safe and stable. A new relationship with an available and trustworthy person introduces unpredictability and the potential for deep emotional connection. This can be intimidating because it requires stepping out of the comfort zone and risking emotional exposure.
Any of this reads true to you, Rising Flower?
anita
anitaParticipantYou are very welcome, Mahmoud Mazloum, and thank you! Looking forward to growing together..
anita
anitaParticipantContinued: what about the people who no longer long for home, for love.. people who gave up, or are giving up.. losing heart/ caring for other people..
anita
anitaParticipantContinued: I have a longing for home, a home I have no memory of experiencing, not a single memory.
How can one long for something that was never experienced?
A place of love.. not a single memory.
The longing must be based on a need, and a need only, such as a longing to be somewhere never visited before.
A Loving Mother taking a child into her arms, a smile on the child’s face.
My reality: a slap on the face, a kick, hateful words from.. who is this? Surely, not a mother.
If only I was the only child harmed by her.
Forever hurt.
If only.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Rising Flower:
“I still can’t believe how you take time to reply to all of our threads… God bless you.“- .. I can’t believe the words (your words) that I am reading this Sunday morning, so preciously, uniquely kind: thank you, and may God bless you!
First, a summary of what you shared in the first 3 posts on this thread: in your late 20s, you were inexperienced in relationships and entered an arranged marriage with H. Next, you fell for L, a family friend. This new relationship led to you leaving your marriage. The relationship with L brought external and internal stress, leading to depression. Fights about having children and his disapproval of your interactions with others created further tension. L manipulated you emotionally, telling you many micro lies, as you put it.
Over the years, you matured and became more self-confident and independent, realizing that L was not suitable for you. Despite this realization, you still feel emotionally trapped and unable to move away from the man (L) who continues to mistreat you. You are well-educated, financially and emotionally strong, but struggle with your emotional dependence on L. You feel helpless in breaking free from L’s influence despite recognizing the psychological terms and undergoing extensive therapy. You describe being stuck in an emotional deadlock, unable to move away from L or bring him into your life due to his circumstances and actions.
Second part of this reply is my effort to understand better:
” In my late twenties… as a naïve girl who never was into any kind of relationships… I never fell in love nor did I know much about the intimate things of a marriage like sex… hoping god will unite us if we were meant to be… back then I didn’t know what a real relationship meant or anything like that… It’s not even a matter of self-worth, I have several good men in my life who genuinely want to be in my life, I have earned well, look pretty… but why I’m unable to kill my love for L, and endlessly stuck in L’s loop… God bless you.“-
– You acknowledge your lack of experience with relationships during your late twenties. Despite being an adult, you felt naïve and unprepared for romantic involvement, inexperience with love and intimacy. You held a hopeful and idealistic belief that if you and L were truly meant to be together, God would bring the two of you together.
You mentioned hoping that “God will unite us if we were meant to be“- this suggests a strong belief in divine will and destiny, which can reinforce the idea that your love for L is predestined and unchangeable.
Your statement: “I strongly believe love is love no matter what” indicates a commitment to unconditional love. I think that this belief makes it difficult for you to let go of L regardless of his behavior.
It is possible that your belief in God, Destiny, as well as your commitment to unconditional love are significant contributing factors to your emotional entanglement with L.
If the above is significantly true to your situation, reflecting on how your beliefs about love and divine will/ destiny influence your feelings and actions can provide clarity and empower you to make informed decisions. Consider seeking guidance from a trusted spiritual advisor or counselor who can provide insight and support from a faith-based perspective, and help you navigate the intersection of spiritual beliefs and emotional well-being.
I am looking forward to reading from you again.
anita
November 24, 2024 at 11:16 am in reply to: I did the right thing at the wrong time, how to forgive myself? #439651anitaParticipantDear Beni:
“I could not differentiate myself from others“- reads like you have struggled with self-identity, leading to a life without a clear sense of personal direction.
“I can never forgive myself for treating me the way I did“- you feel a sense of guilt and regret for not treating yourself better.
“I did act in my best intentions and abilities and still I know it was below my abilities”– despite acting with good intentions, you recognize that you did not reach your full potential.
“That I did not ask for help when I needed to”– the difficulty in seeking help and finding the right guidance at the right time contributed to your struggles.
“I kept doing what made me suppress myself“- Continued self-suppressive behaviors took a toll on your well-being.
“I never want to let me down again but also it seems that it is quite difficult to trust myself again“- your desire to change and not repeat past mistakes is strong, but rebuilding self-trust poses a significant challenge.
Advice: 1. practice self-Compassion and Forgiveness: treat yourself with kindness, acknowledge that you did your best given your circumstances and that it’s okay to make mistakes, 2. Don’t hesitate to seek support from trusted others, including from supportive members in these forums, 3. rebuild self-trust: start with small, achievable goals that help rebuild your confidence and trust in your abilities. Celebrate your successes, no matter how minor they may seem, 4. engage in self-discovery: explore and understand your values, interests, and passions. This can help clarify your sense of self and guide your decisions. Keeping a journal (perhaps here, on your thread) can help you in the process of self-discovery.
I hope that this is somewhat helpful, and I am looking forward to reading from you again.
anita
anitaParticipantWelcome to the forums, Mahmoud Mazloum. I am grateful that you are here, and hoping to read more from you, here and on other threads!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Rising Power:
You are very welcome and I am glad that you posted again. I will read and reply Sun morning (itis Sat evening here).
anita
anitaParticipantContinued journaling:
The feeling of being completely alone, with no one to turn to for support, is a central theme of my childhood and much of my adulthood. This loneliness was synonymous with a sense of being trapped in a sort of death. In this acute loneliness, having a mother who placed me in a …box titled No One, I felt fragmented, as in having no sense of individual, recognizable identity.
I longed for connection and understanding, but none was there for me to have as a child, and as a teenager and an adult, pervasive suspiciousness and distrust of people prevented me from connecting with people who were (although I didn’t know it) worthy of my trust. I resorted to fantasy and imagination as a way to cope with the overwhelming pain and loneliness.
I did not develop social skills. Instead, I developed neurological and behavioral disorders of all kinds (Tourette’s, OCD, ADD and more), which created more suffering.
Fast forward, increasingly over time, I connect with people and there is no experience more delightful than connecting!
But still, the lonely child within me needs more validation, more understanding of her long, too-long life of unnecessary, accumulated suffering, and consequences that are still there. The measure of fragmentation/ self-alienation that still exists, needs to not be there anymore. I need to be .. integrated, all of me being one person.
anita
anitaParticipantDear John:
“I apologize for posting on the same subject twice…“- To err is human: making mistakes is an inherent part of being human. No wrong committed (a wrong= a deliberate action that goes against ethical standards). A tiny mistake on tiny buddha is definitely acceptable, says I 😊
“I was affirmed into the sect many years ago; my sensei gave me the name Shinnen“- your given name is a Japanese name that can have different meanings depending on the kanji characters used to write it: 信念 (Shinnen) means belief or conviction, often associated with one’s principles or faith, and 新年 (Shinnen) means New Year, symbolizing renewal, new beginnings, and fresh opportunities.
“The temple is a very special place for me. I feel like I’m going home; where I can be with people who share the same aspirations and ways“- reads like you feel a deep emotional connection, safety, and a sense of belonging in the temple, a strong communal bond, because of shared values, goals, and practices.
“Normally I feel like a fish out of water”– but in your everyday life, you feel out of place, misunderstood, or disconnected from your surroundings and the people around you..
“But there… I’m at peace”– the temple is a refuge for you, a sanctuary, a place where you can relax and feel at peace with being you. A powerful testimony, John!
“I have had a long history in Theravadin, Mahayana, and Zen Buddhism, and it’s been a very interesting, and often challenging trip“- reads like you spent a considerable amount of time studying and practicing within these different Buddhist traditions, exercising a deep level of engagement and commitment.
Theravadin focuses on individual enlightenment through rigorous practice and adherence to early Buddhist teachings. Mahayana emphasizes the bodhisattva path, practicing compassion and aspiring to achieve enlightenment not just for oneself, but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Zen Buddhism is a school of Mahayana Buddhism that promotes a simple and uncluttered lifestyle, meditation and direct experience, which means experiencing the present moment fully and directly without the filter of preconceived notions and linguistic labels. It is also known for the use of koans (paradoxical questions or statements).
In your post on another thread less than two hour ago, you quoted from Matthew Arnold’s poem, Dover Beach (first published in 1867).
“The first sentence ‘Ah, love let us be true to one another!’ is really the conclusion“- the conclusion is a heartfelt appeal for loyalty, honesty, and mutual support in a world that seems increasingly uncertain and bleak, seeking solace and security in genuine, honest relationships, a refuge from the chaos and confusion of the external world.
“Ah, love, let us be true- To one another! for the world, which seems- To lie before us like a land of dreams,- So various, so beautiful, so new,- Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,- Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;- And we are here as on a darkling plain- Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,- Where ignorant armies clash by night.”- the world appears to be a wonderful and idyllic place, full of beauty and promise, but despite its (deceptive) beauty, the world lacks true joy, love, peace, and solace. Humanity is depicted as being in a state of confusion and turmoil, engaging in chaotic and senseless conflicts and struggles.
The imagery evokes a sense of disillusionment, hopelessness and helplessness. In response to this disillusionment, the poet emphasizes the importance of mutual truth and fidelity in personal relationships, of genuine connection and support as a source of stability and comfort.
Dover Beach was written around 1851, and first published in 1867 in his collection “New Poems.” I think that the themes and insights of the poem are even more relevant today, 173 years later, than back then because of the negative consequences of advanced technology: climate change, pollution, and a much greater technological capability for mass destruction of billions of lives, a capability which accompanies current chaotic and senseless political instabilities and wars
The poet’s plea for truth and fidelity (being faithful, loyal, trustworthy) in personal relationships emphasizes the timeless importance of human connection. In our current era where digital interactions often replace face-to-face communication, the need for genuine, meaningful relationships remains crucial for emotional well-being.
Thank you, John, for the poem and posts. Your given name fits you well, if I may say so: a man of belief, conviction, new beginnings and opportunities. Here in these forums is an opportunity for genuine, honest relationships, truth and fidelity among ourselves.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued: it is difficult to hold in awareness, for me, the mix of very difficult-to-endure emotions, such that I experienced so many of growing up ad onward. Lots of distressing, depressing emotions and cognitions (thoughts): fear, anxiety, agitation, anger, shame, guilt, more anger, rage, unmet needs, longing, craving, hoping, sinking into hopelessness and depression, trying hard, it’s not working, failure. more failure, too much failure, no longer trying, resorting to fantasy, imagining love.
The need for someone, anyone to be there for me while there’s no one there for me.
The alone-ness, the acute loneliness, the wanting to LIVE and yet not living, craving the experience of life: of love, of comfort, of exploration, of experiencing life.. yet, stuck in a sort of death. Life suffocated, trying to breathe, no air. No Life For Me.
(I am still typing as I think, no editing). It is hard for me to know, to really know that it was me back then and all along. It is as if I broke into thousand pieces back then, and each piece didn’t know about the other pieces.. not holding all these emotions in awareness at any one time. Split. Scattered. Disconnected. Unhinged, falling apart.
Nothing and no one to hold on to. Falling.
Falling.
Screaming: H E L P ! Silently screaming: h e l p !
And there no one there.
It’s the no-one-there that’s the reason no one is stopping my Falling. Failing.
It was me back then, and by me, I mean.. a person, me-the-person.
Not a Thing. Yet, I was treated liken a thing. A thing with no emotions. No emotions to consider.
Mistaken for a Thing would be the title of my Story.
Misunderstood.
How does a person react to being treated like a no-emotions-to-consider-thing?
Closing in, not growing up or out. minimizing, drying out, dying, but not all the way, still alive enough to feel all those emotions so acutely.
This is my story, and I “hear” my mother reacting as she typically did. She’d say: what do you have to complain about? Who are you to complain? You are a Nobody, a Nothing. Look at me: I matter. I am what it’s all about. How selfish of you, anita, to not see YOUR MOTHER, and only your mother. There is no one else! no one else but me!
Ima (this is what you’d call mother where I grew up): Ima, please see me. Please hear me, for I am here.
She’d say: no one is here but me.
How does a person (me) fit in a box titled: No One..?
This is my story, The Girl in The Box, a box. A box titled No One.
Growing not up, but in, shrinking, shrinking, because there was no space for me. She demanded it all, all the space.
It is Friday here, windy, the wind is audible.
anita
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