Dear Tee:

“I like your honesty about your thoughts process while writing your previous post to me… It’s good that you notice those thoughts and feelings and can speak openly about them. And I can assure you I won’t shame you, Anita. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in you openly sharing how you’re feeling and what your fears might still be regarding our communication. I appreciate your honesty 🫶”-

Thank you 🙏 🙏 🙏 🫶 🫶 🫶 🙏 🙏 🙏 !!!

“Probably your hypervigilance stems from your mother, who you say would attack you for just about anything you said (or didn’t say), even for your facial expressions… So you weren’t allowed to express yourself, to simply be, be a child, expressing yourself, laughing, crying, playing, talking to your mother.. None of that was allowed”-

I lived in a prison, life put on hold for a later time when it’d be allowed. There were times though, I remember, I was an older teenager or in my early 20s, still living with her, that I exploded with laughter, genuine laughter, a long-awaiting joy.. never when with her alone. Moments of feeling positively alive. A breath of fresh air.

“because of your mother’s severe mental health problems, it seems.”- yes, my analysis (and I am feeling confident about it), she suffered from- and inflicted suffering- from this combo of personality disorders: Narcissistic, Histrionic, Paranoid, Borderline and Obsessive- Compulsive.

“You were exposed to both physical and psychological abuse, and you had no one to help you, since your father left when you were six, while people from the neighborhood didn’t react (it wasn’t socially acceptable to “poke one’s nose” in other people’s child rearing). You had a good uncle (you said he asked you once something about yourself – he was interesting in getting to know you), but I guess he didn’t know about the extent of the abuse that you were suffering?”-

Thank you for remembering all of this. The uncle, Uncle Morris, he lived hours away, so he couldn’t have heard her yelling at me, or beating me, and he was in no contact with the neighbors who did. With him, M was soft-spoken, nice.. But I clearly remember her sitting to his right when he asked me a question about me, looking at me threateningly, with that mild smile on her face. That’s why I didn’t answer him. I said something polite, but didn’t answer.

“I’m very sorry, Anita, for you truly where all alone in those horrible circumstances, left to your own devices to manage the best you can. To survive, basically.”- thank you, Tee.

“And you did survive, but or course, the trauma remained and it’s still affecting you to some extent. (Just to say that my C-PTSD is still present too. I still have parts of my life where I’m lead by fear and am having a hard time making a breakthrough. So it can be a decades-long process, unfortunately.)”-

Thank you for sharing about parallels or similarities in your life, your process. It makes me feel like I am not alone.

“So the question is how to heal. And of course, my answer is always: healing the inner child..”- this made me smile just now. Of course.. Tee and Inner Child healing go together like peas and carrots 🙂

(I just got scared that you’d be offended by this culinary saying.. it’s a saying I like to use).

“You’ve shared parts of your internal dialogue in your own thread (“A Personal Reckoning”), where you did the inner child exercise. You’ve shared what your inner child said, and also what some other parts said, including your adult self. I might have some remarks about that, but I’m not sure if I should comment on it, since you said you want only witnessing, not advice or analysis? So I’m refraining from that, unless you’re comfortable with me giving you feedback. I’ll respect that.”-

Thank you!

I trust you enough to invite you to talk to my inner child directly. I have never invited anyone to do that. I know you will be gentle with her (there are tears in my eyes as I am typing this). She can’t handle criticism.. she shouldn’t (that’s my job, the adult me, to hold myself accountable. Not her job).

No one outside of me ever spoke to her, or had a conversation with her. Please do talk to her.

“It’s okay, Anita. I’m happy that you could step back from your own pain and see a bigger picture. I’m happy you’re open to self-reflection and personal reckoning, as you said. I think you’re doing a great job in being brave and open with all of your feelings. I think it means you’re developing compassion for yourself, which is the key in healing. It’s really good to talk to you and share in your healing process ❤️”-

Thank you for your grace, nothing that I (the adult) deserved, but something you offered anyway. This is the nobility of your character ❤️.

I will soon be away from the computer for the rest od the day.. It’s strange how I can start a day outside when I am so drained from this.. vulnerability. It’s still scary: to be me.. and not be attacked for it? A scary miracle.

Gratefully yours, Anita