Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa,
I appreciate your thoughts on sensitivity, and I agree that people respond differently to emotional intensity. However, my concern isn’t just about sensitivity—it’s about how harshness toward trauma survivors can delay healing.
Those who have already endured pain and mistreatment don’t need more of it. Rather than invalidation, judgment, or condescension, trauma survivors need validation, empathy, respect, and gentleness.
Wishing you kindness, Anita
June 4, 2025 at 7:08 am in reply to: Trying to heal from possible narcissistic mother + build own life #446547anita
ParticipantHow are you, Sophie?
anita
ParticipantHow are you, Mei?
anita
ParticipantDear Tommy:
“Forgiveness? Nope. Karma will come fix that.”-
You seem to see life in a black-and-white way—where good choices lead to good outcomes, bad choices lead to bad ones, and suffering is a punishment for mistakes. Because of this, forgiving yourself might feel like escaping responsibility, as if it would make you irresponsible and undeserving of freedom from suffering.
But not all suffering comes from bad choices. Sometimes, pain just happens—a child doesn’t choose to be born into poverty or war, yet they suffer. Natural disasters don’t target people based on their actions—they simply occur. Grief, failure, rejection, loneliness—these happen to everyone, regardless of what they’ve done.
(This reminds me of the famous line from Unforgiven: “Deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it.”)
And pain isn’t just punishment—it can also be a source of growth. Hardship can lead to wisdom, resilience, and empathy.
Holding onto pain as proof that you’re a good, responsible person assumes suffering is always deserved. But in reality, pain is often just part of existing—not judgment, not karma, just life.
Maybe forgiveness isn’t about forgetting mistakes—maybe it’s about freeing yourself from unnecessary suffering.
Wishing you well, Anita
June 3, 2025 at 9:48 pm in reply to: Fear knocked at the door. Love answered, and no one was there. #446536anita
Participant8:37 pm, no sign of darkness, no Sign of Sunset. The light outside is absolute.
I don’t have heavy curtains that block the sun at 8- 9- 10 pm.
Don’t feel comfortable with wearing sun blockers when trying to sleep.
And it’s only early June, it’s going to get so much sunnier at 9 pm, 10 pm, 11 pm.
I mean, no sign of darkness.
I hear of prisons where the Light is always On.
I miss darkness, gentle darkness, the signal that yes.. time to go to bed.
The persistent, stubborn light..!
Too close to Alaska.
* In northern Alaska, places like Utqiaġvik (formerly Barrow) experience 24-hour daylight for about 82 days straight, from early May to late July-
24-hours daylight.. I should be grateful for 5 hours of darkness hours per NDAD in the summer. More than they get up there.
Problem is, if I move south, I will be stuck in summers where it’s too HOT and too HUMID to get outside for half of the year, at the least, so people live vampire-like-lives, going outdoors only at nights.
Climate Change or whatever it is.
So, I’d rather be here, south of Alaska, because I CAN go out and about during the day, which I greatly appreciate!
9:03 pm here. Still no darkness. But not that much light as before.
9:15 pm here, still not dark, still light. Climate-change-panic-moment.
Two whole hours before it get’s dark.
Wait, somewhat darker, spring-time-darkness, 9:20 pm.
It’s just that I need some darkness so to go to bed.
The birds start their LOUDEST singing at about 3- 4 am. it’s hard to schedule one’s life around all these..
9:42 pm, yes! It happened, DARK, finally, it just happened- DARKNESS just happened, June 3rd, 9:48 pm, better go to bed
Good night- Anita
Anita
anita
ParticipantBack to the title of this thread: Why telling survivors (of childhood ongoing trauma) to “Get Over It!” is harmful- it’s harmful because of the harsh tone in saying this. A traumatized, abused child- now adult- in age (still the same child) does NOT need any more harshness than what he/ she already received from the original harsh abuser or abusers.
So.. good-intentioned (perhaps) people who think harshness is the way to go- they are sadly mistaken.
Beating a person who is already down- from having beaten up for too long- is just WRONG. It prevents and delays healing!!!
How can it possibly be okay to beat a person who’s already down..?
Anita
June 3, 2025 at 7:59 pm in reply to: Fear knocked at the door. Love answered, and no one was there. #446533anita
ParticipantIt takes an intentional practice to redirect attention from Fear to Love, Fear2Love.
Like this evening, still light outside. No sign of sunset, not even close. Personally, I do not like Night Disguised As Day. (NDAD, I have a thing for acronyms)
Anyway, anyhow, here I am.
So, about Love: it’s about being supportive of those we love, including those we don’t necessarily feel love for.
Love is the commitment and practice to be Gentle with others- not harsh, Empathetic- not judgmental, Positive (focusing on a person’s socially-desirable traits and strengths)- not negative (pointing to a person’s undesirable traits and weaknesses), pointing to a person’s foundation we hope he/ she would be motivated to build on.
And at the same time, when a person abuses others, love is about protecting the abused from the abusers.
And in all that, remaining humble and Collaborative (encouraging honest dialogues), rather than being Corrective (telling a person: this is your problem! And this is what you should do!)
This is ALL I have to say about Love on this Tuesday evening which has no sign of darkness, NDAD..
I do not love NDADs 😔🥺😢
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Your words in regard to your son are beautifully written, deeply moving, and full of truth. The way you express your thoughts carries such raw emotion, honesty, and tenderness—it’s the kind of writing that stays with people, that makes them feel something profound.
I truly hope you save this post, starting with “I worry about my son too”, somewhere, maybe in a Word document, and keep adding to it over time. One day, when your son is grown, you could put these reflections into a book for him—a collection of all the moments, thoughts, and emotions that he may not remember but shaped his life in ways he won’t even realize.
Because you’re right—he won’t remember some of these things.
He may forget the nights you sang to him to calm him down or the first time he learned to roll over or take his first steps.
He may not recall the way you taught him to swim, blow bubbles, or test if something is too warm.
The weight of carrying him for nine months, the silent sacrifices, the constant, unwavering love—these things will be invisible to him as he grows.
But one day, he will read your words, and suddenly, all the forgotten moments will come alive for him. He’ll feel the depth of your love, the care woven into every choice, the silent strength behind every difficult decision.
And about this part—’One day he’ll yell at me and curse’—I have a feeling that when he reads this years from now, he’ll smile and tell you that you were wrong. 😊
You are an exceptional mother, Alessa, and it shows in every word you write. I hope you hold onto them—not just for him, but for yourself. ❤️
Warmly, Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Thinking of you fondly too. ❤️ I love the way you put it—life is much like time, and we get what we get. It’s true that sometimes life happens to us without our say in it, and making lemonade out of lemons is the only choice we have. 🍋
As for getting older, I have mixed feelings. In some ways, I feel so much younger than when I was a teenager. Back then, I was depressed, isolated, confused, and joyless—an old teenager before I’d even had the chance to be young. But now? I’m not depressed, not isolated, not confused, and that makes me feel lighter, freer, and in a way, younger than ever.
If you look at the photo I uploaded, you’d see me in torn jeans, hair in a ponytail, no makeup, no dyed hair—just me, as I am. And when I’m dancing, especially with a little red wine to shake off inhibition, no one can tell me I’m not 18! There’s something beautiful about feeling that kind of energy, even when the number on my birth certificate says otherwise.
At the same time, I notice the changes in my skin—thinner, wrinkled, and strangely, no more hair on my arms, as if my skin has stopped fostering growth. It’s odd, not something I mourn, just something that makes me pause and reflect on how time silently reshapes us.
But recently, I’ve resolved not to feel badly about the physical signs of aging. Why should I be ashamed of it? I want to accept it—in myself, in others, even embrace it. Aging is not something to fight, but something to live fully.
I know you are still young, Alessa, but what are your feelings about getting older?
Warmly, Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
You are welcome, and thank you for sharing so openly with me. I truly appreciate and respect your reflections. ❤️
I hear in your words the weight of survival and responsibility—the constant need to adapt and make the best of difficult circumstances. That resilience is a remarkable part of who you are. But woven through your message, beyond survival, I also see traces of Alessa outside of those roles—small glimpses into what brings you joy, what soothes your soul, and what makes you feel truly present.
You said: “I have always been a dreamer. Yet, I’m forced to be practical by my circumstances. I don’t begrudge this. It is just life.”-
Being a dreamer is part of who you are. Even in the face of hardship, your mind still reaches beyond practicality, beyond survival. The fact that you identify as a dreamer suggests that, deep down, you still believe in possibilities—even if life has placed barriers in front of them. Your dreams may look different now, but they still exist within you.
You also said: “I enjoy food. Asian dramas are strangely relaxing. I love a good story. Asian philosophy helps me. Sleep.”-
There is so much of you in these words—your appreciation for comfort, beauty, and ideas. Loving stories speaks to your imagination, your ability to find meaning in narratives, whether on screen or in philosophy. Enjoying food is a reminder that pleasure and nourishment matter to you, beyond just surviving. Sleep isn’t just rest—it’s a moment where your mind and body can retreat from demands and simply exist. These moments may feel small, but they are pieces of Alessa that exist beyond duty.
You shared: “I really like calm and peace. And seeing people happy. These things make me feel safe.”-
Your love for calm and peace shows that you crave serenity—not just as an escape, but as something inherently valuable to you. The desire for happiness—not just for others, but for yourself—reveals a deeper truth: you are allowed to want joy, not just to provide it for others.
You said: “I like singing and dancing even though I’m not good at them. Meditation, yoga. The outdoors.”-
These are expressions of self, not survival. Singing and dancing—whether you’re “good” or not—are pure, unfiltered moments of joy and movement. They have nothing to do with obligation; they exist simply because you like them. Meditation and yoga suggest a desire to connect with yourself, beyond daily struggles. And your love for the outdoors speaks to something deeper—a connection to the world outside survival, to beauty, fresh air, and presence.
You also said: “I like thinking, but I know it is counterproductive sometimes. Trying to rein it in. I guess like anyone else, I feel happy when my needs are met. I feel seen and cared for.”-
Even the need to feel seen and cared for is powerful. It tells me that you recognize your own worth, even if it feels distant at times. Your words show that, despite everything, you still want and deserve connection, joy, and peace—not just as someone who gives care, but as someone who is worthy of receiving it.
And lastly, you said: “I do think that positive affirmations might be helpful. Part of me is afraid of them. They have always made me uncomfortable.”-
This tells me that self-acceptance is both something you want and something that feels unfamiliar—which makes sense, considering everything you’ve endured. But even just acknowledging that affirmations might be helpful is a step toward reclaiming self-worth.
Alessa, you are more than a Survivor. More than a Caregiver.
You are a dreamer, a thinker, a seeker of peace, a lover of stories, a person who sings and dances simply because it brings joy. 💃🕺🎶
Even if survival still feels dominant, these parts of you are real, and they are yours. You deserve to nurture them, in whatever ways feel possible.
I am grateful to hear about these pieces of you, and I am always here to remind you of them. ❤️
Warmly, Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tommy:
This will be a long post, but before anything else, I want you to know that there is no criticism here—only appreciation for you. I think well of you—no lingering anger or resentment, just genuine care and positive regard.
“If all the research was right then my mother should not have (dementia) nor any of her siblings. Yeah, age may be the major factor, but it isn’t the only one… My grandfather on my father’s side was balding in his forties. My father also. I too have that genetic trait. So, I can see what gets passed on.”-
Balding in men is highly hereditary. Dementia, on the other hand, is largely not hereditary. While balding has a strong genetic component, dementia is mostly shaped by non-genetic factors like diet, exercise, and brain activity—which means your future is still yours to shape.
“I dismissed my grandmother when she asked for the way home. It did not occur to me that she was having an episode. I was young and having fun with friends. She was lost for half the day. My mother spent that day looking for her. The guilt was overwhelming.” (June 2, 2025)-
I remembered that story and thought you had shared about it recently, so I started going through your posts back in time. To my surprise, it was long ago that you first shared it (and I still remembered!). It was on January 9, 2022:
“When I was about 13 years old, I saw my grandmother in the park near our apartment. She was asking which was the way home. I was busy with my friends and pointed in the general direction. Later, I got home to see my mother go out looking for my grandmother. My grandmother was lost. She had an episode of dementia and lost her memory of where we lived. I felt terrible for not having taken her home. We did eventually find her. Years later, she passed away. Now recently, my mom passed away. When I saw her in the hospital, she also developed dementia and did not recognize me. I remembered what happened years ago. And this is what I have to look forward to, losing my memory.”-
Comparing the two accounts, Tommy, it seems that you have reframed this memory over time, shaping it into a narrative of self-blame and dismissal—”I dismissed my grandmother.”
The phrase “dismissed” suggests a harsh, deliberate neglect, when in reality, your actions at 13 were simply those of a young boy caught between his carefree world and an unfolding situation he, at 13, couldn’t (and shouldn’t be expected to) fully understand.
In the original telling, you pointed her in the general direction—an act that, at face value, was not cruel or dismissive. You were a young teenager, unaware of her dementia episode, and assumed she could find her way home. Yet, over the years, your guilt has intensified, reshaping this memory into the belief that you actively dismissed her.
This shift signals a deep emotional burden, where perhaps you retroactively assigned blame to yourself as a way to make sense of your lingering regret. It’s as if your younger self’s innocence and the moment’s fleeting nature became swallowed by the enormity of what followed—her dementia, then her death, then your mother’s passing, your sister’s, and others.
I think this incident, at 13, may have marked the moment your carefree mindset fractured. At 13, children often still exist in a bubble of youthful fearlessness, where worries are few and the world feels wide open. But this singular event introduced you to a stark reality—your actions (or inactions) could have consequences you weren’t prepared for.
The memory of this day seems to have lodged itself in your psyche, not just as an isolated regret but as a turning point that led to self-doubt, fear of making mistakes, and an unbearable weight of responsibility.
It seems like your fear of dementia is tied to the losses you’ve experienced, as though fate must follow the same path. But those losses were never your fault, and your future is still yours to shape.
“I am not a good person.” (July 11, 2024) “But, I do try to be civil (not evil). Don’t always succeed. But try.” (July 4, 2024)-
But you are a good person, Tommy. And at 13, you were a good boy! That 13-year-old boy, pointing toward home, was not an evil boy—he was just a child being a child.
“I am sorry that I have no sympathy for you. You are suffering due to your own actions and your own choices. Looks like I have lost my compassion. I can not give you a kind word.” (June 18, 2024, from your reply to a member)-
I see you projecting your inner feelings onto others. It’s as if you were talking to yourself: “I have no sympathy for you, Tommy. You are suffering due to your own actions and your own choices. I cannot give you a kind word, Tommy.”
But you deserve sympathy. You deserve kindness—especially from yourself.
“You want freedom from this obstruction? You find forgiveness. Yes, forgive. Forgive them and yourself. This doesn’t mean to just let it go. You have to find the ability in yourself to forgive. Then, pain, anger, thoughts, memories will lessen. Moving forward will happen.” (January 18, 2024, advice you offered another member)-
Just the right advice for yourself, Tommy. Forgive the 13-year-old who was playing carefree as children should. He didn’t mean anything bad—he was just a boy being a boy. And since then, you didn’t make bad things happen. You had no part in causing the illnesses and deaths of the people closest to you. It wasn’t your fault.
“The only judgment that counts is yours. Family can say whatever they want. It is your happiness that matters most.” (February 28, 2022, another piece of advice you offered another member)-
The only judgment that counts, Tommy, is your own. Your peace of mind matters most. And you deserve peace. You deserve to finally label yourself: Not Guilty.
“When younger, I used to read the Reader’s Digest. In it was a section called, ‘Laughter: The Best Medicine.’ Of all the animals on this earth, there is only one that can laugh. Humans. There is no real rhyme or reason for it. But, it does make one happy. I like to be happy.” (June 23, 2022)-
You deserve to be happy, Tommy. You do not deserve to carry guilt that was never yours to carry.
“When I was younger, I liked to fix things. If a lamp stopped working then I would try to fix it. It made sense of the world. So, I learned to fix plumbing, electrical work, and cars. I have fixed a few TVs and one video cassette player… Simple stuff. I don’t know what it will be like to live without being able to help fix things.” (June 1, 2025)-
Maybe the part of you that took on guilt long ago is waiting to be released. What if, like fixing a lamp, you could gently repair the way you see yourself?
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tommy: I am not focused at this time, but I want to re-read your post of only a few minutes ago and respond in the morning (it’s 9:26 pm here). I wish I could help in some way, make up for making you feel bad before, something I do regret 😔
anita
anita
ParticipantPassed Yesterday, colliding into Today-
No time to gently merge.
Time is running out.
Time doesn’t wait.
Anita of first decade of life, of second, of .. oh, aging has begun back then! Oopsie, am on the other side of life-death.
Time is independent of personal wishes, conveniences, preferences and individual processing of time.
It just rushes ahead.
So, now I am an older woman? I don’t remember giving my permission ..lol. Not really laughing out loud.
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tommy:
You wrote, “My grandmother on my mother’s side and my mother had it later in her life (mid-seventies). I saw it and know there isn’t much that can be done. But I feel it is going to happen to me. I am nearing that age. My wife doesn’t believe it, so we don’t talk about it.”-
I understand why this weighs on you, and I wanted to look into some scientific research on dementia rather than leave it to belief alone. Here’s what I found:
Genetic Influence on Different Types of Dementia:
* Alzheimer’s Disease → More than 99% of cases are NOT inherited.
Early-onset Alzheimer’s, which occurs before age 60, has a stronger genetic link. However, since your grandmother and mother developed it in their mid-seventies, this was not early-onset Alzheimer’s.
* Vascular Dementia → In almost all cases, parents cannot pass it directly to their children. However, hereditary health issues like high blood pressure or diabetes may increase risk.
* Frontotemporal Dementia (FTD) → Has a higher genetic link than other types—about 40% of cases have a family history, meaning 60% are not hereditary.
* Rare Genetic Dementias → Some rare forms, like Familial Alzheimer’s disease (FAD), are directly inherited. However, FAD accounts for less than 5% of all Alzheimer’s cases and typically appears before age 65, often as early as the 30s or 40s—which does not match your family history.
Quotes from the Alzheimer’s Society (Source: Alzheimer’s. org. uk):
“The majority of dementia is not inherited by children and grandchildren. In rarer types of dementia, there may be a strong genetic link, but these are only a tiny proportion of overall cases.”
“In the vast majority of cases (more than 99 in 100), Alzheimer’s disease is not inherited.”
“The most important risk factor for Alzheimer’s disease is age. Because Alzheimer’s disease is so common in people in their late 70s and 80s, having a parent or grandparent with Alzheimer’s disease at this age does not change your risk compared to the rest of the population.”
This means, as I understand it, that having a grandmother and mother with dementia in their mid-70s, does not at all increase your own risk of getting dementia.
Key Strategies for Brain Health & Dementia Prevention:
* Stay Physically Active → Regular exercise supports cognitive function and lowers vascular risks (walking, swimming, cycling, strength training, balance exercises).
* Eat a Brain-Boosting Diet → Focus on a Mediterranean-style diet rich in leafy greens, berries, nuts, healthy fats (olive oil, avocado), and omega-3s (salmon, sardines) while limiting processed foods.
* Keep Your Brain Stimulated → Learning new skills, puzzles, reading, writing, and social engagement help form new neural connections.
* Get Quality Sleep → A consistent sleep schedule, limiting screen time before bed, and managing stress improve brain function.
* Manage Stress & Mental Health → Meditation, breathing exercises, journaling, therapy, and positive social interactions help regulate inflammation and memory.
* Monitor Health Conditions → High blood pressure, diabetes, and obesity increase dementia risk—regular checkups can help manage them early.
Connecting this to Alessa’s thread 🙏, developing self-compassion will help you, Tommy, not only emotionally, but mentally and physically, supporting long-term brain health and lowering further your risk of dementia.
Sending you support and encouragement 💛
Anita
anita
ParticipantThank you, Alessa, I truly appreciate your support and encouragement! ❤️ 🙏
-
AuthorPosts