Dear Tee:

The first smile on my face took place when I read on the other thread that your pain being practically gone 🙂 🤞

I am reading your two posts a part at a time, quoting & responding before I read the next part.

“That was a wonderful corrective exercise: you treating your younger self the way she should have been treated: with respect, care and consideration, taking her needs into account, not violating her personal space and her boundaries. I loved reading it, and I hope you feel some positive change from it?”-

I just experienced the 2nd smile when I read “I loved reading it”. Also, when I read “the way she should have treated: with respect”, the word “respect” stood out to me as something starkly absent from how she treated me, I mean, ABSENT, alarmingly not there.

“Your mother unfortunately violated your boundaries, not only emotional but physical too. It seems she felt like she owns your body and is entitled to do with it whatever she sees fit, including penetrating it (to check for virginity, I guess?). Which is a horrible sexual violation and I think would qualify for taking the child away from her.”-

I remember the feel of her fingers washing me there, in the shower. Just like she scrubbed my head hard to .. remove all the dirt, and I could feel her fingers scrubbing my scalp, she washed me similarly elsewhere, penetrating a bit deeper than the surface, or so it felt. I think/ hope that was pre-puberty. I remember the penetrative feeling of her fingers as I am typing this.

I remember the burning feeling of soap (maybe cut a bit by her fingernails, maybe not), and I was scared I was dying.. and she insisted on having to look there in full light. That was post puberty and the shame on my part was immense.. That was one traumatizing moment.

So, no, it wasn’t to check for virginity (throughout school, all the way to graduating from high school and after, I never had a single date, or being alone with a guy. So, no suspicion of not being a virgin.

Oh, I just remembered, and I think I shared about it long ago in one of my older threads that when I was in my early 20s and did have a date, she waited for me to return at night, angry, and she said: “You are with him because he has (male organ), and I don’t?”

What do you think of that sentence, Tee? I never quite understood it, but it was one of the many traumatizing moments. I never received anyone’s thoughts about what this sentence- question means.. ownership? ..?

“That’s good. I think one of the key preconditions for healing is to stop wanting to save her. In this latest corrective exercise, your inner child felt the need to save her, but you, the adult Anita, told LGA the truth:

‘She needs to hurt you. I don’t want you hurt anymore. I am here to help you, I need to help you. I need you helped, not hurt.”

‘I want you helped, I want you safe. I am your new mother, the one who knocks, the one who asks, the one who offers.. the one who’s gentle.’

“That was beautiful! Indeed, you need to help yourself and LGA to heal from the trauma your mother inflicted upon you. Your mother doesn’t need saving. Instead, you need saving from her. What I mean is that you need healing from the legacy and the false conditioning your mother’s abuse left on you.”-

Thank you. It isn’t and shouldn’t be the Victim’s responsibility to save the Perpetrator. To feel such responsibility and to act on it is sickness, it’s upside down.

“Yes, the focus was on pleasing her, making her happy, and saving her from her misery. Now, the focus should turn to you: healing yourself from the trauma she’s caused you. Reclaiming your purity, innocence and goodness – reclaiming that which she so violently and callously took away from you. Taking your inner child under your own wing, like a small innocent bird, or a puppy (if you’re inclined to such imagery), and nursing it back to health, so to speak.”-

Reclaiming purity… To see my body as something pure or innocent or good would be a new experience for me. See my body like an innocent bird’s body.. or a puppy’s..? Maybe I will do a corrective exercise using these images later.

Indeed, she was violent and callous.

“I want to stress one thing: your innocence, purity and goodness are still there, intact, but you need to claim it. You need to start seeing yourself as pure, innocent and good – and treating yourself like that. Purging your mother’s false notions of you, her lies, her intrusions, claiming your mind and your body for yourself.”-

I’m definitely going to do a corrective exercise on the matter 🙏

“Slowly but surely, since it can’t happen over night. But little by little. The goal would be to purge yourself from her false imprint and be reborn into a new identity. Be your own person, free from her toxic influence. That’s what I see as the goal of your healing and the path forward. What do you think?”-

I agree, whole heartedly 🙏 ❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🙏

2nd post (next submission)

Anita

Attempt at Corrective Exercise:

Adult Anita is traveling back into the past, into that little apartment, into that bathroom (I am playing a YouTube audio of a beautiful Hebrew song, the kind I could have heard back then, a song about Cinderela and the seven dwarfs.. and another from the times of back then, in that time).

Adult Anita has arrived at that tiny apartment, silently opening the locked door and slowly, silently stepping in. I hear the sound of water in the small bathroom directly to my left, water running slowly. There’s an adult woman washing dishes ahead of me, in the tiny kitchen. She doesn’t see me, singularly focused on cleaning those dishes.. just right.

I turn to my left, I knock.

Little Girl Anita (LGA): (Alarmed, she never heard knocking on that door) Silent, unfamiliar with knocking.

Adult Anita (AA): I am future Anita. I am here your clean, dried pajamas. I’ll wait here until you finish washing and drying, and when you’re finished, tell me so, and I will stretch my arm toward you, holding your pajamas. I will stay outside the door. I will not see you.

+ LGA washing, drying, quickly, afraid. “I am done”, she says with a trembling voice, arm stretched, taking pajamas, putting them on quickly. “I am done”, she says.

AA: Shh.. LGA. It’s okay. I am here to help you..

I am here to make it safe for you, so that you don’t have to be scared anymore. (Opening door, seeing LGA wide eyed, breathing fast, scared, almost fainting)

* Taking a moment, feeling unwell.

AA holding LGA in her arms, feeling little heart beating so fast, so loud, hushing LGA.. Sh… sh..

LGA calmer.

AA takes LGA in her arms, and forming a magical bubble, they float up into the air, up a soft, white, fluffy cloud.

AA: sh.. sh… Tell me LGA..?

LGA: It’s so quiet here. But Ima.. take me down, let’s bring her up here too.

AA: Sh… sh… Let her go, let her be there, below us where she can’t reach you anymore, can’t touch you, can’t shame you, can’t hurt you.

LGA: Are you my new mother?

AA: Yes, I am. I am your new mother. I am the mother who knocks before she enters, the mother who hears your silent cry when you’re hurting, the mother who notices what you are feeling, who wants to know, the one who asks: how are you feeling? The one who loves you, just as you are!

LGA: But who will love her? She needs me!!!

AA: Sh… No, sweet, beautiful little girl: it’s you who needed her all along. Not the other way around.

LGA: She NEEDS ME

AA: She needs to hurt you. I don’t want you hurt anymore. I am here to help you, I need to help you. I need you helped, not hurt.

I want you helped, I want you safe. I am your new mother, the one who knocks, the one who asks, the one who offers.. the one who’s gentle.

You are safe now, LGA.. sh…

Anita