Hello Everyone!

“Seeing the adult in the child and child in the adult is like tending a garden…”- what if the participants in this thread, current and those who may join it, all adults, enter, or reenter this garden (this thread) as children, leaving the adults behind.. Making this a sort of Garden of Eden, before God (the adult) expelled Adam and Eve (the children) from the garden..?

Just a thought.

🌿 Anita

Dear Jana:

I read all of your recent posts. One thing that I have a problem with is that your communication has been consistently vague and indirect. In regard to your most recent post in your thread “Compassion and respect during times of conflict”- I think you were talking to Alessa when using “you”. At first I thought you were talking to me. How can I respond to you when I don’t know whom you are addressing?

In the post before that one, you wrote that you will no longer accept or tolerate (1) gaslighting, (2) blaming or guilt-tripping, (3) belittling members’ pain or feelings, or (4) monitoring others (copying their threads and using them later against them).

Are you accusing me of doing all of these things? Are you accusing others as well..?

If you are accusing me of gaslighting you, can you give me just one concrete example where you felt that I gaslighted you? If you are accusing me of blaming and guilt tripping you, can you give me just one concrete example? Etc.?

If you are direct with me, I assure you it will pay out for you. I will reply kindly and honestly.

What’s clear to me is that you’ve been feeling hurt and stressed and I am very sorry that you’ve been feeling this way. I will continue to take responsibility for what I’ve been guilty of, but not for what I haven’t.

But at this point, I need to know concretely, what you are accusing me, in simple language.,. so that I can understand.. Please?

I will do my best to promote safety in this thread and everywhere else.

🌿 Anita

I am preparing a response for you, Alessa, as well as directly addressing Jana and Brandy, all in separate posts.

* I submitted the above before becoming aware of your most recent two posts.

“Gossiping hurts people.’- I didn’t gossip about Jana and Brandy. I shared that I was scared of them, that’s not gossiping.

“Would you mind not engaging with Anita on my thread when it comes to talking about other members she has a conflict with and is currently ignoring?”- for one, I am not currently ignoring Jana or Brandy. I was just about to address them directly.

Would it be okay with you, Alessa, if I address them in this thread?

(I didn’t yet read Jana’s latest posts or your communication wit her).

🌿 Anita

Dear Tee:

Thank you for an excellent explanation. Excellent because it’s clear, easy to understand, and the spirit behind it, the intent, the motivation are positive, non accusatory, but gentle.

I want to respond to your message part by part:

“I do understand your need to feel safe. It also appears that you don’t feel safe if there’s a possibility that you might be faced with unfavorable feedback, right?”- yes.

“But the thing is: whenever we post in a public forum, there is a possibility that we might receive unfavorable feedback. It’s just the nature of public spaces. And that’s why, I think that we all need to be willing to accept the risk of receiving unfavorable feedback.”-

True, it didn’t occur to me, this truth didn’t cross my mind. This is one of these times that I notice the limits of my intelligence.

“Of course, this doesn’t mean we should tolerate abuse. There are rules and guidelines that define the code of conduct here, and if these rules are not kept, the moderator can intervene and prevent abusive posts. So the moderator is what keeps this place safe, i.e. free from abuse.”-

I am looking for the Forum Guidelines for a Positive Space (April 5, 2013) for the definition of abuse: “5. Keep it friendly.
We don’t need to all agree, but we need to treat each other respectfully, without attacking, insulting, bullying, condescending, shaming, threatening, or in any way harassing each other. 6. Remember that Tiny Buddha is a family place. If you’d be shocked to hear a five-year old say it, you may want to choose different language.”- I’ll get back to this later.

“I believe that if we start imposing extra requirements, e.g. that certain people shouldn’t post in certain threads – preemptively, so that we can feel safe – unfortunately, that’s already infringing on people’s rights to freely express themselves in a public forum.”-

I agree, but in my message to Alessa almost 24 hours ago, I didn’t suggest that certain people should not post in her thread, I asked her for protection if they post with accusations against me (“To honestly reflect publicly, I need to feel safe, and I am hoping that here, you will protect me from accusations resurfacing, so that I can continue to reflect.”) Meaning, if they post negatively, I was hoping that Alessa would stand up for me so to create a safe place for me.

Was that wrong of me, Tee? Was it censorship, and if so, how? I would very much appreciate your input on this.

“That’s basically censorship because it’s about preemptive action: not allowing certain people to post – only because we feel threatened by them… I don’t know if you can see that this would be censorship, Anita, and not really congruent with the rules (and the spirit) of a public forum? Preemptive attempts to prevent people from posting vs. case-by-case intervention by a moderator if real abuse has taken place. The former is censorship, the latter is keeping the forum safe. Huge difference. I hope you can see it?”-

I don’t see it yet in regard to my post of 24 hours ago (hoping you’d explain this to me), but generally, you’re saying that I fear criticism so I made people whose criticism I fear- uncomfortable about posting. And that was censorship, that is, unfair control of the space..? I don’t want to make you work too hard, but if you have an example or two in mind (no need to go back and gather quotes if it’s too much work), please let me know.

“What I’m also noticing is that your stance on sharing in public vs. private has changed in the last day or two. Whereas right after the conflict you said you’re planning to take your time to reflect privately, and that it may take a month or two, yesterday you’ve expressed to Alessa that you would prefer to reflect publicly”-

Yes, my stance changed simply because Alessa wrote: “Hi Anita I understand that these things are tiring and painful…Try not to beat yourself up over something that you were born into. People cannot change something that they aren’t aware of. Now you are aware and as painful as it is, it is a blessing. ❤️”- I was touched by this supportive post so much that I thought that Alessa would care to create a safe space for me to develop my awareness in her thread.

“Have you thought about why it’s easier for you to reflect publicly than privately?”-

There’s something about being heard by other people (here, a public forum) that means a lot to me, so much more than hearing my own thoughts all by myself. The first feels like connection, the second feels like aloneness or loneliness.

“Because honestly, doing any kind of self-reflection in public is much more exposed, much more vulnerable, than doing it in private. Sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with the entire world, so to speak, is really putting ourselves out there.”-

I agree. You’re right. It really is putting myself out there.

“Sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with the entire world”-

Yes, I realize now the motivation on my part. It’s a sort of overcompensation: from the intense loneliness of childhood and adolescence, where I wasn’t allowed to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with NO ONE => => => sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with the ENTIRE WORLD.

(I am using big case letters because I lost the boldface & italicizing features)

“What I’m noticing is that you really want to share deeply, to ‘put yourself out there’, however it’s very hard for you to receive any unfavorable feedback (or what you might perceive as unfavorable). You want to be shielded from that.”-

I need to be open to unfavorable feedback, yes. On the other hand, I need not be open to abuse. Later this morning, I will include Brandy’s last message to me, which feels abusive to me. It is okay with me whether or not you choose to let me know if you think it’s abusive. I would like to know, but again, I wouldn’t like you to work too hard.. or to be uncomfortable about perhaps taking sides..?

.. I know you to passionately take sides- in your many replies to members over the years- when you suspected or detected abuse in their lives.

“But I’m afraid those are two contradictory desires, which cannot really be met simultaneously, because we’re talking about a public forum.”- True.

“Please don’t take this as criticism, Anita, but simply noticing a certain dynamic, a certain struggle in you, and inviting you to take it into consideration, to reflect on it. ❤️”-

Thank you Tee. I am not taking this as criticism, at least not the negative kind. I trust your analytical intelligence and I trust your intent. I admire your character and integrity.

“I hope that on this forum, we’re able to really hear each other, understand each other, and share without fearing each other. Because I think that’s what safe and brave places should be about ❤️”-

I would like this very much, Tee ❤️

🌿 Anita

Hi Alessa and Everyone:

Thank you for the reply, Alessa, and for welcoming everyone on your thread ❤️

If this thread, or any other in the forums, feels safe place for me to publicly reflect further, I will.

As is, I don’t feel safe to publicly reflect, so I will go back to reflecting privately.

❤️ 🌿 Anita

You are welcome, Peter.

“Wholeness is the circle that contains the spiral of becoming”- the child becoming the adult, the adult becoming the child..

I’ve been becoming the child for quite sometimes. Connecting this to the title of my now inactive thread “Life Worth Living- what is it like?”- my answer: a life worth living is a child’s life, back to innocence, openness, joy.

🌿 Anita

Hi Peter and Everyone:

“I wonder what others experience on wholeness? What does wholeness mean to you, is it something you wonder about?”-

Yes, it is something I wonder about. Every day, while walking or working, I say these exact words out loud: I redirect self fragmentation to self integration; self alienation, dissociation- to self befriending, to loving myself, to being on my side, no less than I’ve ever loved someone else, no less than I’ve ever been on someone else’s side.

“Reflection On Wholeness- We live in a world that teaches and even rewards fragmentation.”- I lived in a home that promoted and rewarded fragmentation, a mini world within the bigger world, a starting point.

“From early on, we learn to divide self from other”- For me, the division from others was not a learning process, it was an infliction that was imposed upon me, like a big earthquake in that starting-point world.

“But wholeness is the presence of everything, held together in love. It includes the wound, the shadow, the longing.
It is not a clean slate, but a full one… Wholeness holds the part without dividing, Holds the wound without denying”- said perfectly (says I 😊).

I am not denying the wound (the early, devastating shame and guilt). I am not trying to escape it. I radically accept it and then, with intention, I am gently peeling that shame and guilt off little girl me, offering her love instead.

Every place there’s an early wound in little girl Anita, I kiss that place and I smile at her with love.

“That the spiral of becoming is held in love. And love holds it all”- Amen. Love for the little girl, or little boy within us, the one who’s still there.. and love for all the other boys and girls out there in the world, those within children’s bodies and those within adult bodies, including the old.

As I go out and about in real-life, I see boys and girls in aging bodies all the time.

🌿 Anita