Dear CutieJ:

First I will repeat all that you shared (including some of your exact words boldfaced) in a chronological order of events, and after that, I will add my thoughts:

You grew up in a home where parents fought all the time. Your father physically abused you and yelled profanities when coming back home late at night, after drinking, or when he got extremely angry. You were never able to expect when he was going to get angry, and you were always so afraid at night when he was coming home late. Growing up, you felt desperately lonely, even when you were surrounded by people, and you experienced self-hatred and a low self-esteem.

During high school, you developed an eating disorder, bulimia, and gained a lot of weight. You also moved to the U.S. during high school and was completely alone in high school.

In college you were still suffering from bulimia, and having food at home was a scary thing for you. Nonetheless, you  lost a lot of weight, but your body has stretch marks as a result, and you feel that your body is not loveable because of the stretch marks.

You made a lot of friends during college, one of whom you shared the same friends group and classes. The friendship with her (I will refer to her as R) developed into a romantic relationship. Two months into the relationship, you found out that R was in a 5 year-long relationship with another girl from her home country (I’ll refer to her as G), it being a long-distance relationship at the time you and R met in the U.S. At one point, R texted G a breakup message and G threatened suicide. R paid G’s rent back in the home country for two months and sent her a postcard wishing her well, and said things like she dreamed of them together, and that she feels bad for giving up on them when the time was hard. Later on, when you confronted her about it, R told you that she said those things to G just to make her come back to senses. and R ended all contacts (with G) immediately.

You and R lived together in the same apartment for a whole year, spending almost 24 hours together. She called you pretty and cute and hugged you a lot, always by your side, helping you out with everything. She taught you how to clean the house, iron clothes, and live a good life. But since the confrontation regarding G, 2 months into the relationship, you were suspicious of her and for 10 months out of the 12 of living together, life has been a living hell for both of you (you and R).

You asked her to get therapy and to post the two of you on Instagram (like she did in regard to G before), but every time you asked, she said she would, but didn’t.

After graduating, the two of you no longer lived together and the relationship became long-distance. There were fights (long-distance fights), and after one of those, she said that she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. You agreed to take some time off, but feeling hurt,  lonely and obsessive, you ended up calling her and texting her several times, and (at the time you posted your original post), R was at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue.

The day after your original post (Wednesday, Oct 2), you travelled to where R lives, and this is what you shared about meeting her: “She picked me up at the airport, she listened to me crying, we talked a little bit about our issue, and we went out and had lunch together. Everything is nice… She told me that she felt like she was emotionally threatened all the time that I cried and yelled saying things like ‘If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.’ She said these things are what her parents told her to control her when she was growing up… I thought about leaving early, as she is going to work in-person Thursday and Friday, and I know I will feel extremely anxious those days. She said that she just wants to be clear that there’s no one, and that’s not why it led our relationship to this point. I trust that, but I am scared… I don’t want to be alone..  I don’t want to lose her.. I am still so scared.. Please help..“-

– And now my thoughts (with more quotes) following hours of reading and studying your two posts: when you met R in college, you were in better shape, mentally and physically, than you were before college, but you were still not prepared for a healthy relationship. There were- and are- unresolved issues that need to be resolved before you can have a healthy relationship with her, or with anyone in her place. This is why it’s very important that you will attend quality individual psychotherapy as soon as possible.

You feel hurt and anxious, and I understand that you do. But it is not her doing, it’s the doing of your father hurting and scaring his little girl years before you ever met R. Your hurt and anxiety cannot be resolved within a romantic relationship (no matter how close to perfect a partner may be). It needs to be resolved in a professional setting: psychotherapy.

That R has not been perfect is unquestionable, but no human being is perfect. She had a relationship before she met you, a long-distance relationship at the beginning of her relationship with you. She didn’t end it as quickly as you’d like, but she did end it quite quickly. She was dealing with a suicidal ex, so no wonder she tried to make the ex feel better by telling her (post breakup) that she still somewhat cared. You pressured her with questions, and pressured, she lied twice.

From what you shared, R is a caring person, a good person who cares about the people in her life. And she truly cared and loved you, you said it yourself: “I know; I know she loved me dearly, and she tried her best to take care of me during this one year“.

She loved you dearly for 10 difficult months out of the year during which you “got anxious and emotional over everything… was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting… dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious“.

“Whenever I brought hard topics up, she would sit down and listen to me, but shut down and just cried“- she cared. She listened to you quietly. Her distress expressed itself through crying after listening to you, not through yelling and accusations.

How did your distress express itself? Loudly: yelling, accusing her and trying to manipulate her: “I cried and yelled saying things like ‘If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.’“-

– You accused her of never caring while in your original post, you wrote: “She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time” (original post). You accused her of never caring because you felt hurt, so you wanted to hurt her.

Most recently (yesterday), she still cares: she picked you up at the airport, she listened to you crying, she talked with you about issues, had lunch with you, was nice to you, explained to you that the breakup needs to happen not because there is someone else, but because she felt- feels- emotionally threatened by you.

“I trust that, but I am scared… I don’t want to be alone..  I don’t want to lose her.. I am still so scared.. Please help..“- try to see that she is hurt too (and has been for a long time), that she is scared too (she might be scared that like her ex, you will have self-harm thoughts as well), and please help her.

Shift your focus during this visit from your pain to her pain, just long-enough to offer her the safety that she needs. Don’t increase her pain; lessen it instead. Once you do that, you will feel better about yourself. You will feel valuable as someone who is able to help another person. I hope this makes sense to you..?

Like you, at times I too yelled and accused, and wanted to hurt another because of unresolved issues in my childhood. It was very difficult for me to confront this self- centered part of myself, a part that had hurt others unjustly. I forgave myself only after I corrected (and keep correcting) wrong behaviors. And after I adequately resolved childhood issues that needed to be resolved, such as growing up with a mother who, like your father, physically abused me and yelled, getting unpredictably  extremely angry.

anita

Dear Prudence:

You are welcome and you are using the forum well.

“my experiences have been exclusively negative in the real world as well“- would you like to give me an example of a negative experience of dating in the real world: what happened (in some detail: who said what, what conversation ensued, what interactions took place)? I ask because I would like to understand better.

anita

Dear Krish/ Gayathree

You are very welcome and thank you for your love, light and prayers. Good to read that you are at peace and secure within yourself!!! I will reply further Thurs morning (it’s Wed morning here).

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome, and I am fine, thank you!

“One thing that is bothering me recently: I am trying to adopt and so I went to the adoption centre for a few times. I have found one that interacted with me and I wanted to adopt her. After completing the form, a sense of anxious and fear came up, lots of worries, such as would I be able to take care of her? What if I don’t like her after say one or two years, what if my future partner does not like her? What if my parents and she needs my care at the same time? These made me so nervous that I was sleepless last night, and thought of withdrawing the application. This reminded me last time, like what happened when I planned for my tattoo, I emailed that person, asked about all the details and was so scared that I didn’t do it. I started to think this may be a pattern, but I don’t know how to name this. Any thoughts?“-

– if you get a tattoo and then regret it, not liking or wanting it anymore, you will be stuck with it until and if you have it removed surgically (leaving a scar), or lightened by laser (multiple sessions, complete removal not guaranteed).

If you get a cat, and then regret it, not liking or wanting her anymore (because taking care of her, or just having her, will become too difficult or inconvenient in the case that you’ll need to take care of your aging parents as well, or if a future partner will not like her, etc.), you will be stuck with the cat until and if you find her a different home.

I think that being stuck with a tattoo or a cat that you no longer like or want on your body/ in your life is particularly distressing to you because as a child and an adolescent, you were stuck with people you no longer liked or wanted in your life (not in the ways they behaved). You were stuck with people who violated your boundaries, did not allow you privacy, and did not make it possible for you to feel comfortable, safe and carefree.

You were stuck with a father who was harsh and who did not allow you to be carefree because of his obsession with details. You were stuck with an uncle whose hug you.. didn’t want on your body (fast forward, not wanting to be stuck with a tattoo on your body). You were stuck with a mother who although not harsh, violated your privacy some, and did not protect you from the others who violated your boundaries in greater ways.

As a result, you grew up anxious. When recently, you anticipate the possibility of being stuck again (with a tattoo or a cat), you anxiety intensified.

* July 2, 2016: “Sometime my uncle whom I didn’t really liked hugged me hard, I guessed as a child u didn’t or couldn’t really resist or refuse. but I remember how much I hated ppl crossing my boundary… my dad on the other hand was very strict and I would even called him obsessed over tiny details… I remembered he as a very harsh person… one time when I was showering, my mom…  went into the bathroom while I was taking a shower, I recalled I saw my uncle out there who saw me… I remember how my privacy was violated by the parents whom should protect them instead“.

anita

* Dear Soham: thank you for the precious stone metaphor: powerful! I would like to use it in future replies to members.

I like your whole reply, including this sentence: “It is not important what you bear, but how you bear“.

I hope to read more from you: replying to members as you did today, and if needed, if you would like it- starting your own thread🙂

anita

You are welcome, Melinda. Post again anytime you feel like it.

anita

Dear Helcat: good to read there’ve been a couple of peaceful days, and wishing you more! I will reply further tomorrow.

anita

Dear Melinda:

Again, I am sorry that this tragedy happened and that the pain that goes with it is, as you said, “unbearable. It has definitely changed me“.

As I understand it, two months ago, your son was found dead following an apparent suicide. You suspected that it was a homicide staged as suicide, and said so to the police. The police informed you yesterday that they were turning the case to the homicide division.

Your best friend of 5 years was not at all supportive. She criticized you for “not grieving right” and for telling the police “to look at it any other way but suicide“. On the day of the funeral, she  told you to STFU and took a swing at you: “I was in a fist fight in  front of the funeral home 3 minutes after I walked my son to the oven to be cremated… I … sent her to the ER“, you shared.

Because you were too upset to arrange for the cremation, it was your adult niece who arranged for it. Without your knowledge or permission, she (together with her sister and mother) scattered a third of your son’s ashes somewhere in San Francisco. When you found out and brought it to their attention, “they turned it into a warzone with screaming and name calling“,  and if I understand correctly, they stole the rest of the ashes (..?)

“I not only lost my son, I lost 4 other people that I thought loved me and that I cared for deeply. I’m alone now. Everything has changed. I feel numb. I can’t feel happiness, or sadness. I don’t see the colors in the world, or hear the music, or feel anything at all. I don’t know exactly what to do to feel again and honestly I don’t know that I want to. I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do.  Therapy isn’t going to be an option because I have to work.“- it’s all a shock to your system/ brain, so it shuts down and you continue to live, but minimally: you do what needs to be done (work) and feel as little as possible.

Usually, there are feelings attached to seeing colors, and to hearing music, but because severe emotional pain is attached to your feelings, most or all of your feelings are greatly shut down. To awaken from numbness, if and when you can handle such awakening, it will need to be done gradually, slowly. Doing art, like drawing, painting, sewing etc., can be forms of expression and awakening. Journaling, privately, or here on your thread, can also be a way to awaken.

And there needs to be a reason for you to awaken, to live more than minimally. It may be helping (and being helped by) other mothers/ parents who lost their adult children to acts of violence (suicide or homicide). Maybe you can join a group that provides support to young people who are troubled, young people who are at risk of suicide or of being a victim of violent crime.

Your former best friend accused you of not grieving right, but it’s been her (if she grieved) who didn’t grieve right. Your nieces and sister didn’t grieve right either: they turned perhaps feelings of helplessness, maybe guilt => anger, and directed their anger at you. It was wrong to do, of course.

You need not be alone at this time. This space here can be a place where you are not alone, as there are real people, such as myself, behind these typed words.                                I am here.

anita