Nea (Aug 29-30): “What you said about the role giving me a sense of control really resonated. I think that is exactly what it was. Growing up in such a volatile environment, trying to smooth things over or bring temporary peace gave me at least the feeling that I could do something… So now that I’m trying not to fall into that same role, I can really feel how much anxiety comes up… I’m just so tired of the entire topic now. It has taken up so much emotional space during a time when I’m only a week postpartum and really should be focused on recovering, my husband, and our baby… I really appreciate the loving-kindness meditation (Roberta) suggested, and I’ll do my best to practice it.”-

Good Sunday morning, Nea 🤍🌿

May I (Anita) be safe.
May I be peaceful.
May I be healthy.
May I live with ease.

May you (Nea) be safe.
May you be peaceful.
May you be healthy.
May you live with ease.

When you repeat the loving‑kindness meditation (mettā) for yourself, your husband, your daughter, and your father, it isn’t about changing relationships. It’s about changing your internal state — giving your body small moments of real peace.

Real peace is ease that comes from inside the body.

Temporary peace is the relief that comes from ending tension by bending, appeasing, apologizing, or making yourself small so someone else calms down. It feels like peace because the shouting stops and the room quiets, but it’s not safety — it’s just the absence of explosion.

Temporary peace often requires pretending the conflict is “over” or the harm wasn’t that bad.

Mettā doesn’t ask you to pretend. You can say “May I be safe” while fully acknowledging that your father’s behavior is harmful, that your husband is being unfairly targeted, and that the family system is dysfunctional.

Real peace coexists with truth. Temporary peace requires denial.

Your childhood taught: “If I bend, the tension stops.” Mettā teaches: “If I breathe, the tension becomes manageable.”

You’re postpartum, exhausted, and being pulled into a conflict you didn’t create. Mettā gives you a way to feel calm without sacrificing yourself or your husband.

Saying mettā for your father can be therapeutic only if the intention is goodwill from a distance — not responsibility, not appeasement, and not the old reflex of “If I make him peaceful, the danger stops.”
The key is wishing peace for his sake, not to fix the situation and not to protect yourself.

“May he be safe. May he be peaceful. May he be healthy. May he live with ease.”- these phrases don’t imply closeness, forgiveness, or reconciliation. They simply express goodwill.

You can picture him far away — at the edge of a field, across a river, or on a distant hill. Not close, not in your space. This keeps your nervous system safe while offering goodwill. Then return to yourself: “May I be safe…” to remind yourself that your wellbeing is not dependent on his behavior.

You are not responsible for his emotions, his peace, preventing explosions, or holding the family together.
Mettā lets you offer goodwill without reenacting the old childhood role.

🤍🌿✨ Anita

Nea, it’s so good to read from you this Saturday night 🙂

I wish you nothing but peace — especially now, only a week postpartum, when your whole world should be centered on recovery, your husband, and your baby.

About your father.. what you describe sounds like a pattern where he holds very tightly to his position, and others end up bending around him because he simply won’t. It’s a dynamic that has worked for him over the years, even though it comes at a real emotional cost to you.

I’m so sorry you’re carrying this at a time when you should be surrounded by gentleness.

I’ll write more in the morning.

🌿 Anita

Good morning, Omyk 🙂

That you felt immediate relief when your position was renewed for a few years is very telling.

It’s unpleasant to not having been appreciated by the individuals with the power to hire or fire you.

But if you were truly appreciated by the people you served, those whose lives you positively touched, then it may make sense to stay in the current position rather than having to relocate and take a financial loss with a new, unfamiliar position.

I wonder in what ways the author of the spiritual teaching you were reading 2 hours ago was speaking directly to you 🤔

🌿 Anita

Good Friday night Confused 🙂

“I said inside my head ‘U must not lose this woman moron'”-

Who is calling the lovable, honest Confused I know, a moron..? 🤬 (how I feel about it)

“Copilot sounds about right, but how does (anxiety) go away?”-

By confronting the part of you saying you’re a “moron”.. somehow.

Empathy for yourself, being on your side, referring to yourself kindly, the way you deserve.

🌿🌿🌿 Anita

Good evening, Nea 🙂

I’m using my phone and just read a bit of your recent message of less than 10 minutes ago.

I’ll quote what I read, respond, and then read the next part, etc

“(The role) gave me a temporary relief… So, now that I’m not doing that- and I also can’t control… “-

I think that the role gave you some sense of control, of having some power, however modest, in the volatile environment you grew up in.

Giving up that sense of control, understandably would leave anyone more anxious.

“Another part of me knows that repeating the same pattern would just bring temporary peace”-

For a child in a volatile home, temporary peace is the best she can get, it makes life bearable, or survivable vs a never- peace scenario.

And what makes it survivable is not necessarily that there’s real peace, or that you have real control- but the feeling of peace, and the feeling, or perception of control.

I’ll continue next

🤔 Anita

Good evening, Omyk:

As I read you most recent post, the thought that occurred to me was that you come across so very rational, intelligent, cautious, very responsible, conscientious..

Let me place the adjectives right above in alphabetical order: Cautious, Conscientious, Intelligent, Responsible.. very responsible.

I’m not surprised the old employer didn’t let you go. I wish they didn’t threaten to do so for THREE years!

A bit of my anger in the “THREE years!” above, and I’m not even you 🙂

Did you, do you feel angry about that continuous threat to be let go?

“Orchestrating the future is hard work.”-

And the present gets postponed in sake of the future 🤔

I am 20 years or so older than you, Omyk. There’s a relief in there being less future than past.

🌿 Anita

You are welcome, Nea ❤️

Talking to you is helping me too, so thank you!

“My mind still wonders ahead sometimes… and I notice this weird anxiety come up… I’ve always been the person who eventually tried to restore the peace. Even when I’ve felt that I had to bow down a little… Let’s just move on”-

I think that the role of peace restorer, the one who bows down and moves on (without real resolution), gave you a sense of temporary comfort, a release of tension- in between crises- over the years, maybe decades..?

The “weird anxiety” may simply be about this long- term role suddenly not being exercised, and the temporary relief not being there.

What do you think?

About your father helping you and your husband financially- keep in mind, if you will- the bigger picture: he has helped many, if I remember correctly, friends and strangers alike, and that doing so is part of his social image- management.

I am not saying you (and all the recipients of his financial generosity) should be ungrateful for it. I’m just saying, see it in context of the big picture which includes his motivations, and his return-on-investment expectations.

Looking forward to your thoughts before responding further to the anxiety part.

🌿 Anita