Hello again, Sleipnir:

I’m sorry that happened to you. Reading your post, it’s clear those experiences left deep wounds.

One thing I learned is that before forgiveness is even possible, many people first need to fully acknowledge the harm that was done to them.

Many trauma survivors try to forgive before they have fully recognized what happened to them. They tell themselves things like, ‘It wasn’t that bad,’ ‘Other people had it worse,’ ‘Maybe it was partly my fault,’ or ‘I should be over this by now.’

But those thoughts keep the injury alive because a part of the person is still arguing with reality.

To fully acknowledge the harm means being able to say, without minimizing or explaining it away:

‘What happened to me was wrong. It deeply hurt me. It had serious consequences. The anger, grief, fear, and scars make complete sense in light of what I went through.’

Also, a child, a vulnerable person, or someone trapped in an abusive environment often has far less power than they imagine later, once out of the abusive environment. Survivors frequently carry hidden self-blame, believing ‘I should have stopped it’, rather than accepting ‘I was powerless in that situation.’

As long as someone is secretly blaming themselves, anger remains tangled up with shame. The anger cannot fully settle because part of it is still turned inward.

Letting go of anger is not the same as excusing what happened. Often, it begins with the opposite: clearly recognizing that an injustice occurred and that the responsibility belongs with those who caused the harm.

Once a person no longer has to spend energy arguing with the truth or carrying blame that was never theirs, the anger can gradually lose some of its burden.

.. Before someone can truly let go of anger, they may first need to fully acknowledge the harm that done. Not minimize it, not excuse it, not compare it to someone else’s suffering, but simply recognize, ‘What happened to me was wrong, and it hurt me.’

When someone has been victimized, the responsibility belongs to those who committed the abuse, not the person who suffered it. I think anger sometimes stays so strong because it is still trying to defend a truth that has not been fully accepted yet.

Your thoughts/ feelings, Sleipnir?

Anita

Dear Sleipnir

My heart goes out to you and the struggle you are now having to reconcile your traumatic past without causing yourself more harm.
I have not had the life experiences that you & others have had on this forum so I can not offer a personal perspective.
A book that I recommend is Detox your heart by Valerie Mason John, I have read the original & now there is an updated & expanded version.
I wish you all the best in your journey of healing.
Kind regards
Roberta

You are welcome, Sleipnir. Anytime you want to talk more about what you brought up in this thread, you can post here again 🙂

Anita

Sleipnir, what you’re describing sounds indeed like survivor’s guilt.

The fact that the facility stayed open and continued hurting people doesn’t mean you failed them. You were a victim there too. You weren’t in a position of power. You weren’t running the facility. You weren’t the one making decisions that allowed the abuse to continue.

Survivor’s guilt often asks impossible questions: “Why did I get out when others didn’t?” “Why didn’t I do more?” “Could I have stopped it?”

But sometimes we’re holding ourselves responsible for events that were never ours to control.

The question is not “Could a perfect person have stopped this?” The question is “What could you, Sleipnir, in the position you were actually in, reasonably have done?”

The fact that you still care about the people who suffered after you left speaks well of your character. It shows compassion, not guilt-worthiness.

Maybe the goal isn’t to force yourself to forgive or forget. Maybe it’s to slowly separate what happened from what was actually your responsibility. Grieving for those who were harmed is understandable. Holding yourself accountable for crimes committed by others is not.

You survived something terrible. Survival isn’t a debt you owe.

If part of your pain comes from feeling that nothing was ever done, it may be worth asking whether there is anything realistic you can do now. Not because you owe it to anyone, and not because you’re responsible for what happened, but because taking action can sometimes help a person feel aligned with their values. Whether that’s sharing your story, supporting other survivors, speaking with an advocate, or simply bearing witness to what happened-

Those are choices you can make if and when you feel ready. But please don’t confuse having the option to act today with being responsible for what happened back then.

Anita

Hello again, Sleipnir 🙂

Yes, it’s hard to know you’re helpless in situations when you really are helpless.

This reminds me of the Serenity Prayer which is about this very issue. Here it is:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Does the prayer (which does not require a belief in any particular god, or in any god at all) resonate?

In your other thread thst I just replied to, you asked about exercises to gain wisdom. I think that the serenity prayer (which includes the word “wisdom”) is one such exercise.

Anita

Hi Sleipnir:

“I want to do something so badly.”- how about writing a letter with all your concerns and sending it to whom can do something to make real changes?

🤔 Anita