Dear Bhavana:

I am sorry that you are experiencing such emotional pain. You shared that very recently your boyfriend of 7 years broke up with you because his parents disapprove of an inter-religious marriage for him, that you don’t have any kind of job, that you are preparing for competitive exams, but you are not able to concentrate at all.

“it feels like I am failing at everything. I am failing as a daughter. I am failing as a student. I am failing as a person.“-

– Society has failed you, not the other way around. If you and your boyfriend were good to and for each other, then society (in India) which looks down at, and considers inter-faith marriages a taboo, has failed you.

His parents, if they disapproved of the marriage because they didn’t want their son, wife and future children to suffer societal disapproval and abuse, I understand their position. In any case, if they knew of the 7-years relationship and allowed it, knowing that a marriage is a No, then they failed you.

If your boyfriend  believed that he can have a good marriage with you and not suffer significant societal retribution, then he failed you when he obeyed his parents in regard to a marriage. If he knew for years that he will not marry you.. he failed you as well, just as his parents did.

From dw. com/ why interfaith marriage in India is getting dangerous (1/11/2023): “In one incident two years ago, Indian police stopped an interfaith marriage in the northern state of Uttar Pradesh despite the consent of both families. Before the ceremony could begin, a police team intervened following a complaint by a local Hindu right-wing leader… In extreme cases, families have attacked or even killed couples for falling in love or for trying to marry someone outside their religion…

“At least eight states, including six governed by the ruling Hindu nationalist Bharativa Janata party (BJP), have passed anti-conversion laws that ban religious conversion solely for the purpose of marriage… Last month, the Vishva Hindu Parishad (VHP), a hardline Hindu group, launched a nationwide public ‘awareness campaign,’ claiming that Hindu women are being caught up in ‘love jihad’…  where Muslim men lure Hindu women into marriage and conversion to Islam. Hindu groups claim, without evidence, it is an organized conspiracy”.

Back to you: you chose a Hindu screen name. I wonder if you are a Hindu woman and your (ex) boyfriend, a Muslim man. What about your parents, if I may ask: did they approve or disapprove of the marriage?

anita

Dear Tom:

You shared about your childhood for the first time, a day or two ago: “I didn’t like arguments etc. which did make me anxious as to when the next one would be… He and my Mum had a strained relationship and would often fight. As a child, I hated conflict and would often be worried of what/when the next fight would be. They would be sometimes become very heated, sometimes violent. I would try and appease the situation if I could“.

On May 15-16, 2019, you shared: “I have been with my current company since 2014 and have worked myself through the ranks. I have become a little frustrated with my income there and other issues within the company. I have been offered a new role… I think the concern is just leaving a secure position for one that isn’t. But I know you have to take risks sometimes and this could be one of those times“.

June 12, 2019: “I have accepted the new role and am looking forward to the move. I am currently working my notice in my current position… I know I have made the decision that is best for me as I was unhappy“.

Almost five years later,  May 26, 2024: “After 5 years with my last company I took a new job offer around and am now 4 weeks in, about to start my 5th week. I left my previous job because there had been a takeover and the threat of redundancy loomed… I feel my confidence is draining while I am there and I come home unhappy etc. with it impacting my sleep“.

More than 3 months later, Sept 6, 2024: “More time has passed and I am still not enjoying it and counting down until the weekend and them dreading to go back come Sunday evening“.

My thoughts about all the quotes above: to grow up in a home where there are occasional or frequent conflict,  arguments and fights between parents, sometimes very heated, sometimes violent (your words), is to become very sensitive to any sign of what could be the next fight, so to prepare for it, so to appease the situation whenever possible.

If both parents are present in the home, and one parent is talking to the other and his/ her voice becomes a bit louder, the child emotionally react to the increase of volume with alertness and fear, as in thinking: is this a sign that the next fight is about to begin?   The bit of increase of volume sounds much louder in the child’s brain because of having experienced scary fights before, and fearing the next.

For a non-anxious child who lives in a peaceful home, a bit of volume increase is just that, a bit of increase, and the emotional reaction of the child would be mild or none. But for an anxious child who lives in a sort of war zone, the bit of increase sounds LOUD, and the emotional reaction (fear, alertness) is significant.

Fast forward, the anxious, alert child is an anxious adult in the workplace, and any sign of trouble sounds much louder, or feels much worse than it is (for non-anxious adults) because of the habitual emotional reaction to conflict that took hold in childhood. The anxious adult overreacts, emotionally, to conflict and arguments in the workplace: to those other issues within the company, that you mentioned back in May 2019, and to the takeover and the threat of redundancy that you mentioned five years later, in May 2024.

Back to five hours or so ago, you shared: “My situation is now that I’m engaged and very happy at home with my partner and dog. We have a good life. As you know, I changed job a few months back and it’s not going well as I hoped… I feel stuck as I get paid well it’s not hard to find a new job but I also feel unfulfilled and don’t want to be like this.“- I am glad that your current home life is a good one! In regard to your workplace: think, if you will, what conflicts are happening there, conflicts between co-workers/ management, criticisms.. some kinds of threats (like the threat of redundancy that you mentioned back in May, in regard to the old workplace). You may be overreacting to such. With some work you can learn to tone down the overreaction, to sort of turn down the volume of the conflicts/ threats in the workplace. This is what emotion regulation is about: undoing/ calming emotional over-reactions).

anita

I will reply Mon morning.

anita

Dear Carol:

Good to read from you again. We first communicated on April 1, 2020, and last, on July 29, same year, four years ago! I read part of your post above and will read all, and reply tomorrow.

anita

Dear Dana:

I am sorry to read that you were severely abused by your mentally-ill mother, that your adoptive parents were often harsh and critical, and that you suffered otherwise in life.

“I have done a lot of self work and development… ready to let go of my past and am now on the journey of healing. I’m also looking to see a therapist soon“- congratulations for being on the journey of healing, for doing the work, and for preparing to do more work.

“How to still feel worthy despite major rejection in your life?… How do I move on from all of the above and believe that I am deserving of healthy relationships and love? I don’t wish to have to change my personality or become a cold and bitter person“- my answer this morning: have the courage to (1) think well of yourself no matter what others may think of you, (2) to be on your side no matter some people disapproving/ rejecting you, (3) to acknowledge when you make mistakes, to correct them best you can, and then.. post-correction, the courage to think well of yourself, (4) the courage to be warm and friendly with people even when you’re afraid they’ll reject you.

There will always be disapproval, rejection, disappointments. We need to be strong, resilient and consistent.

anita

Dear Shandrea:

“I have a lot of peace since blocking them“- keep your peace by keeping them blocked..!

“They are used to me people pleasing now that I say no, I am called crazy and weird ,or too emotional“- it’s the ones calling you names who are too emotional, and in a rude way.

“I don’t care what they think of me. I like myself more now  than I ever did in the past“- I very much like reading this!

“To me loving someone is you care about their wellbeing. Correct me if I’m wrong about my definition of love“- not wrong at all, it’s an excellent definition!

“Growing up relatives tell you they love you,  how are you telling me you love me than you try to emotionally abuse me“- exactly!

“Why do I have to fight these people I already have enough challenges being a single black mom born in the hood“- this reminds me of how important it is to think before I talk, so to not hurt people’s feelings, people who are already hurt and struggling.

“I am the oldest of 5 , but just because I was the oldest didn’t mean I didn’t need support.“- you needed support and you needed someone to care about your well-being, aka love.

anita

Dear Klast:

Thank you for the no-rush note!  Iconoclast: a person who attacks cherished beliefs or institutions. I see why you chose (the short version of) this word.

“I grew up going to a Christian church…  It was one of those churches that abused me in unspeakable ways, that I fortunately don’t remember“- I am sorry to read that you were abused, and in unspeakable ways.

About re-associating with your anger and re-personalizing your life, you wrote: “I guess so. I am a bit concerned about going through all this with the current state of my brain“- good point, something to ask a competent professional, if you are interested. In general, any kind of re-associating/ re-personalizing work should be done very gently, a bit today, a bit tomorrow, noting rushed.

“I have recently been diagnosed with Complex PTSD , after all the traumas throughout my life. Seems like I am regularly getting diagnosed with something, every decade or so“- (1) C-PTSD is an umbrella diagnosis. Last I read, in the U.S. (DSM-5) it was rejected as a diagnosis because it’d make many previously accepted diagnoses obsolete, (2) There are so many mental health diagnoses available, no wonder most- if not all people- fit at least one. I was diagnosed with quite a few.

“I used to have bad panic attacks, but I learnt to down regulate them with diaphragmatic breathing… Back then the docs said I had the lungs of someone 11 years younger, now it’s only 5 years younger“- excellent job down regulating panic attacks, inspirational!

“When I met my wife 20 years ago. I had a strong sense of us having a long term relationship. Within 3 months of me moving in, her kids wanted to call me Dad. She’s a trauma child/woman like me, we feel we are on a committed life journey of healing together.“-  again: inspirational!

anita