Dear Arden:

And I am excited to receive your replies. I thought that you noticed that I was back but didn’t care, or maybe was angry at me… so pleased to read a different sentiment! You are responsible for my first smile today, thank you! I will reply further in a couple of hours or so.

anita

Dear Ben:

I don’t know if I mentioned it to you before, but the way I normally respond to posts is to read the first sentence the first couple- few sentences, respond to those before reading what’s next, then reading the next sentence, respond to it, etc.

“He said he felt a lot better, but said ‘because of one man’ – a part of it hoped it was me… but.. it was ‘Jesus’… hmm. I think it was me because he felt better from our previous conversation. But, ok. That hurt me“-

– earlier (before talking to you) he may have given you, Ben, credit for him feeling much better, and much later he thought about Jesus. You only know of the thoughts that he expresses to you during the very limited time of your communication. There are so many, many thoughts going through a person’s mind in an hour, often within a minute. Expecting the thought favorable to you to occur in his mind at just the right time for you..  is unrealistic. It’s like trying to put a leash on a squirrel- it’s not going to work: the squirrel is too fast and agile to accommodate a leash, and so are a person’s thoughts.

Your hurt was based on an unrealistic expectation.

“I said I felt far from him, he said ‘didn’t you listen to what I said yesterday? or did it go in one ear and out the other?’… I think I had gotten a little carried away based on that call from Thursday where he was very sincere and in this one, at least at the beginning, he seemed a bit like he was avoiding talking about anything ‘deeper’“-

– you expect him to think and feel X when, and to the extent that you want him to?

“But then, of course, he’s not obligated to!“- I don’t think that it is a matter of obligation. I think that neither him nor any person in the whole wide world, is able to think and feel just what another person wants them to. Even if he wanted to tell you just what you want to hear, he can’t read your mind: he can’t know- until you tell him- what it is that you are thinking and hoping that he’ll say at this or that particular moment.

“I think there maybe my anxiety got the better of me (perhaps one coffee too many that day haha).“-  when our anxiety goes up, our thinking-quality goes down. (calming herb tea perhaps..?)

“I said I had told my parents about it all (which shows growth from my previous thread!), he said ‘oh so they hate me now’ – not really, my mother I think understands the nuances of the situation. My father has a simpler explanation ‘you were used, you were merely a f**k’“- (1) your father jumped to this conclusion, and he was crude about expressing it. I wish he was gentler. (2) congratulations for the growth you accomplished since your previous thread, for having a better communication with your parents. I hope that you do expect (and it will be realistic to expect, in this case) that you will continue to receive nuanced responses from your mother and black-and-white/ all-or-nothing/ jumping-to-conclusions responses from your father.

“When I told him about this (I don’t actually think that deep down, again I think it’s an anxiety that I keep giving him to resolve) he was a little defensive about it and explained how he hadn’t etc.“- (1) from what you shared and my understanding of it, I too think that what your father said is untrue, (2) giving him (or anyone but yourself) the job of resolving your anxiety is not going too work. Taking on the job yourself is a long-term project that takes a lot of work, persistence and perseverance.

“He had constantly asked me, when we were ‘together’, ‘are you happy with this? do you want to continue? are you prepared to go through with this?’ – he reminded me.  I had always said I was. I didn’t manage to say ‘well, I was because it was based on an assumption you would be able to end it with your boyfriend’“- (1) Again, based on what you shared, including what I just read in this paragraph for the first time, seems to me that he is an honest guy. (2) Your hope that he ends his other relationship is understandable.

“He seemed sad again that he wouldn’t be coming to England. ‘Even if I had broken up and I was going there, I think my family would have thought I was using you for money’. He said his mother offers him all the support she can (though she can’t offer help financially), his father never gives him anything (his parents are divorced). I know his family is very important to him“- (1) Again, reads like an honest guy, and caring to not even be thought of as one who uses another for money, (2) So, one strong reason he is staying in Brazil is so to remain close to his mother?

“He asked me ‘would you, after all of this, still get back together with me?’ – I said I have to be honest and that I would. He said he would too… I said to him ‘well, for me, it is easy, it is 100% clear, I love you in a way I haven’t loved anyone else before. But, for you, it is complicated, you feel the same, I assume, but you have your whole life situation’“- honest on both sides, and perfectly articulated by you!

“At one point he said ‘maybe our love story isn’t over’. I said… all that I had promised him was only a call away. That our future could still happen. I said to him that ‘I think what we share is so special, it would be the saddest thing in my life to let it drift away or to simply keep it locked up in a cupboard’. During this he had expressed agreement…  I did even mention to him ‘for me, when you say you feel this connection with me that’s so special, so different, how can it be so hard to choose!?’ – but I quickly said ‘But, of course, I don’t know what’s in your heart, your head, I cannot force you, it is your own journey”. I ‘need’ to know what his relationship with his boyfriend really means to him, but of course, I can’t really pry into that from my position“-

– to pry: to inquire too closely into a person’s private affairs. Don’t pry but gently inquire about his state of mind in regard to his boyfriend: ask him a question about it, a simple question, an honest question, no accusation or judgment of any kind. The expressed feelings on both sides give validity to such inquiry.

“When it was time to finish, he said it was a very good, productive conversation, with a lot of information. I think I learned that through this I will have to control my hope a little more, as it is so easily reinvigorated and so sensitive to what he says and what I think he is meaning when really I can’t tell.“- (1) I agree: it was a very good, productive, informative conversation (and for me- inspiring!). (2)  I also agree that you can’t tell what he means behind what he says (you can’t read his mind, etc., as I expressed at the beginning of this post), (3) And I agree that you should tame your hope- and the anxiety/ oversensitivity (to what he says at any one time) that goes with it.

anita

Dear anonymous03:

You are welcome!

“About me projecting my mother, I am going to ponder and reflect over what you said and see if I feel it holds true. What do you suggest I do next?“-

– if you figure that it holds true, or that it likely holds true, then you can try- if you choose- the following strategy that I came up with in regard to projecting my mother into people:  Notice when it happened (I noticed such projection when I was about to submit the post from the day before yesterday, and I shared it with you in the last paragraph of that post), then Pause (do not get lost in overthinking), Address the situation (in the example I shared about, I asked myself: Is Caroline..  my mother? What is the real threat I am facing here?), then Respond-or not: say or do something, or not (in this case I chose to tell you about it), and finally, Redirect (move on to something else). I call this strategy NPARR (Notice, Pause, Address, Respond-or-not, Redirect.

It also helps me to, once in a while, express to someone how it felt to be with my mother, how it hurt, how it scared me, how angry it (still) makes me feel,

anita

Dear Noor:

I read through our communication since June 30, 2020, the day of your original post on this thread. I will now re-read and reply (for the first time) to your Aug 1, 2023 post:

“Dear Anita, I really hope to hear back from you!“- you are hearing back from me, and thank you for the  (a big smile on my face).

“How have you been?? I hope things are well on your end. I occasionally think of our conversations on here and how much of an impact you made in my life“- I am fine, thank you! It feels good to read that I had an impact on your life, in a positive way, that is.

“I am officially married now“- (belated) C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S !!!

“It is still feels unreal knowing that I am now a wife when just yesterday I was so anxious about dating, meeting someone etc. Married life has only been for about a month now and everything has been going great so far“- notice how the anxious mind works: (things have been going great so far), but what’s next, will things continue to be going great? Or not. The anxious mind fears the future.

“Our wedding was a lot of fun, filled with so much love and happiness. We are still feeling the wedding blues of missing our special day since it was just everything we wanted–but it is now exciting to plan for our future. We are growing in our careers and constantly trying to plan our next vacation!“- good to read!

“I still get anxious about things here and there, for example, lately just anxiety about how married life will be“– the anxious mind worries about the future, overthinking the future, forgetting to experience the present. You wrote about it in your other thread (“Overthinking has replaced my present“) back on July 3, 2020: “Usually when anything negative happens in my life then my anxiety gets worse. My worst habit is overthinking and creating countless ‘what if’ scenarios,… I am always thinking about the future or the past and it has taken away my ability to enjoy my life for what it is right now… lately, I feel all I do is worry about future problems that may not even happen“-

– because negative things often happen, Notice whenever you perceive that something negative has just happened, and the resulting anxiety and overthinking that just started, and Pause. Next,  Address the situation (is the thing that happened really negative? Is there something I can say or do to make it better?). Next,  Respond (say or do something is likely to be helpful )- or not (say/ do nothing when that’s wise), and then Redirect (examples: take a cold/ hot shower, go for a walk). I call this strategy NPARR (Notice, Pause, Address,  Respond-or-not, Redirect).

“I am confident in my partner, and in myself, but the anxiety side of me can often take over in a way that can make me feel a bit down. So I am finding ways to still navigate this. I think a great part of it stems from not seeing the best relationships growing up and unconsciously fearing that what I have does not ever get jeopardized“- afraid that what you experienced in the past (witnessing bad relationships growing up) will be what you will experience in the future (maybe later in the day, maybe tomorrow, maybe next year…).

When we experienced in the past (particularly in childhood) something significantly negative, our brain naturally remembers it and is alert to the possibility- however unlikely- that the significantly negative event will happen again and whenever something negative happens, we get alarmed, anxious.

I re-read some of our communication, but if you shared about those bad relationships that you experienced growing up, you didn’t share much, did you?

anita

How are you, Mina?

anita

Dear Shookie:

I don’t know if you are following the activity on your thread, being that it’s been almost seven months since your last, unanswered post. If you are reading this and would like to communicate again, please let me know.

anita

Dear Arie1276:

I hope that you are still doing well, over three months since your last post above. I don’t know if you are still following the activity on your thread, so if you are reading this and would like to talk further, please let me know.

anita

Dear Janus:

Thank you for the hugs and appreciation. I don’t know if you are still following the activity on the forums, it being that your last post was more than seven months ago. If you are reading this, please let me know and we can communicate further (if you would like that).

anita