Dear Zenith:

“My brain started telling me that I felt less anxious in India and its more lonely here. So I am worried about if I should settle here or go back to India and take care of my parents. How will I survive this anxiety when I get old? I am in my mid thirties lol. My brain started getting worried about future.“- (1) Time to talk back to your brain, says I,  and tell it (kindly) that you need to focus on surviving anxiety today. Tell it that you’ll take care of future anxiety after you learn to take care of today’s anxiety, (2) I remember that you’ve been sending money for the care of your parents, so there’s someone there, in addition to your sister (and others) to care for your parents’ physical needs..?

(3) Remember the mix factor I mentioned earlier: mix some negative memories of your visit to India with the positive memories, so that you do not get into nostalgia (remembering only the positives and missing those too much). Here are some negatives from June 16, two weeks into your visit: “It just triggered my religious OCD. Everybody in my family are more religious and ocd is telling me that I am a bad Muslim… I don’t have the peace of mind… I did talk back to ocd instead of running away from it. But the voice in my head still persists. Its making me anxious and hard to sleep through it“- which brings me back to talking back to your brain/ OCD: as calmly as you can, tell it the truth and reject its untruths.

anita

Dear t:

I will share at length with you Wed morning (in about 14 hours from now)

anita

Dear Zenith:

I wish the title of your thread could apply to your anxiety, as in Passing anxiety. It’s a habit of the brain, by this point: the habit of getting anxious. What are you anxious about this afternoon?

anita

Dear t:

You are welcome! “Growing up my mother never communicated but expected me to read her mind and anticipate her moods and needs. If I didn’t do this, she would blow up and yell, throw things, etc. As a result I have a tendency to mind read others and try to keep them happy, and I assume a lot from little things“- it is as if I am reading about my mother and myself, same thing. What a coincidence.

“My boyfriend… is a very different person from my mother and would never become angry like that, but his behavior has similarities that put me on edge… he’s made a genuine effort to understand me and work on changing his behavior. He did promise to text back faster…“- it will take a combination of him being considerate of what puts you on edge and you healing from your childhood experience with your mother. Without dedication to healing on your part, no matter how hard he tries and for how long, it will not be enough.

“Emotional regulation is what I’m really struggling with… I am trying the normal things to calm down – taking walks, exercising, distraction, meditating, spending time with friends – which have helped a little but often just result in me crying in public.“- did you ever attend therapy? If so, what was the experience like?

anita

Dear antarkala:

Still trying to answer your question from yesterday (“Why does he want me sooooo badly?“), in connection to his childhood. I re-read some of what you shared in this thread.

March 26: “My boyfriend’s dad, in his words, has not been a great father since his childhood. He did not work hard and did not proactively provide for the family“- growing up, your boyfriend did not have a strong male father figure in his life.

Growing up, you took on the role of a strong father male figure. I wrote to you back on March 27: “seems to me, antarkala, that your role reversal situation was that of you being your mother’s.. father, teaching her to stand up for herself, to act confidently and assertively, a parenting job traditionally done by the father in the family… for the purpose of helping her/ strengthening her, (you) took on the manly traditional role. So much so, that you even walked in a manly way“.

(In regard to walking in a manly way, I was referring to what you shared: “My school teacher once described me as a lady don to my dad and I once remember one of my teachers telling me my walk is too manly“).

On March 25, you wrote in regard to your boyfriend: “Initially, I did get thoughts like ‘maybe he is not strong enough’… “I don’t think he is manly enough’“.

My response to the quote right above was: “what this is telling me is that you need to..  finally not be The Strong One, to.. finally have someone else be the strong one, so that you can relax“.

In your reply to the above, on March 30, you posted: “‘Finally have someone else to be the strong one…. So that I can relax’ – in one sentence, this is all I want. You really understood where I’m coming from“.

It seems to me that his attraction to you may have to do with your appearance of male strength, such that he didn’t have growing up, a role you took on when you were growing up. But it’s only a role. You need a partner who will appear or actualize male strength, hence your dissatisfaction with him.

In your very first post, on March 23, you wrote: “we have been in a relationship for more than a year, I always felt something was missing since the beginning“. In your most recent post on July 29, you wrote: “since the beginning of the relationship whenever we catch up I am always telling her ‘there is something missing and the reason is him and it bothers me that he does not fight back or puts up with it’”- the missing-something may be the missing appearance or actualizing of male strength on his part.

You need him to be the strong male figure so that you can abandon your strong-male-figure role and relax into a female role, while he needs you.. to continue your strong-male role?

* When I mention male and female in this post, I am referring to masculine and feminine energies that exist in both genders.

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome! “I think our relationship goals are different, she is focusing on how she feels“- your next relationship should be with a woman who shares your relationship goals, and that’s not her.

“For the tattoo, I have already reserved a spot, but I am having doubts at the moment“- my tattoo-commentary: where you put it (location) is very important. The other day, in a belly dancing/ Hafla event, the event planner (she is maybe 60) was dressed in a beautiful red costume that went so well with a large red flower tattoo on her back and up her left shoulder. It looked elegant on her. Years ago, I saw a large man in a swimming pool with a tattoo of a naked woman across his belly and up to his chest, not a good location.

“It is as if I am trying very had to be another person, get a new tattoo, haircut, throw things away“- I would get a haircut and throw some things away, if I was you, and rethink the tattoo and pet adoption in a few weeks or a month from now.

anita

Dear antarkala: I will read and reply in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear Clara:

“When I asked later that night to ask her move her stuff asap, she broke into tears…she said it was hard for her to let go also, but she doesn’t have feelings for me”-

– it is hard for her to let go of what: not of feelings she doesn’t have for you, and not of financial benefits.. maybe she is attached to your house itself, to the furniture, the neighborhood..?

“the idea of asking me to leave the house after breakup is pretty inconsiderate to me“- yes, it is inconsiderate. Maybe this is evidence that she is attached to your house.

“it is confusing for me… this is so tough really“- confusion is part of what so tough for you. Maybe if you find out what it is that she has trouble letting go of, you will be less confused..?

anita