Dear Priyan:

You are welcome.

(I will be adding the boldface feature to the following quotes): “In this month I have been totally honest with her about my feelings and intentions. I told her how I felt about her the first night we met and what made me change my mind and develop actual romantic feelings for her”-

– I think that she has not been totally honest with you about her feelings and intentions.

“Every time I reminded her about our FWB agreement when she wanted something too intimate her response would be ‘Don’t worry, I will never expect anything from you other than your physical presence and sex‘. So, I assumed we both were on the same page”-

– Repeatedly (“every time”), she wanted something too intimate (not FWB-congruent), repeatedly you reminded her of the FWB agreement.. and repeatedly, she told you what I think is not true. I think that she did expect something from you other than your physical presence and sex,. I think (at this point)  that her expectation/ intent/ goal was that you will develop romantic feelings for her. Not for the purpose of entering a traditional, romantic relationship with you, but for the purpose of her feeling in-control of you and of the relationship.

“I know for a fact that her behavior towards me did not change after I said I only wanted sex from her“- she kept her romantic gestures going for as long as you didn’t express a romantic interest in her.

“What baffles me”- when one is dishonestly manipulated.. one is baffled.

“What baffles me is she seemed to have lost interest in me only after I confessed my feelings“- when you confessed your romantic feelings for her, her goal/ interest (that you will want to be in a romantic relationship with her) was satisfied: she was in control. To maintain her control, she withdrew her romantic gestures (keeping you wanting what you can not get).

“She never outright came and told me she had feelings for me. That is what made me think if I had imagined her feelings for me”- when one is dishonestly manipulative, one does not says things outright (openly and without holding back), but the opposite.

“I told her how I…  develop(ed) actual romantic feelings for her. She heard all this and said she had seen me only as a friend since the beginning and never saw me as potential romantic partner. I went to the extent of even asking her if she felt any connection when we had sex and her reply was: ‘No, I just enjoyed the act’“-

– I don’t know if she ever saw you as a potential romantic partner. I think that she wanted you to want to be her romantic partner. It may be that she has been turning around the traditional dynamic of the woman being the one interested in romance vs the man being interested in sex,  taking on the.. strong gender role/ the-one-in-control in this dynamic.

“Do you still think that I did not imagine her feelings for me? After hearing her answer about the sex,  I can’t possible imagine she had feelings for me once”-

– I think that you didn’t imagine that her expressions “(wanting you to spend the night/ weekend with her, sending you amorous text messages, etc.) were romantic, I think that they were romantic expressions. At this point though, I don’t know if those expressions were sincere or strictly manipulative.

I will now re-read your original post, looking for answers: shortly after you told her in the beginning that you would like to seriously date her, she “came back after a week and said that she was not ready to emotionally invest in a relationship, but, she would be willing to casually hook up as she found me attractive”-

– she made you an offer most men will not refuse: to casually hook up with a woman they are attracted to. At this point of my developing understanding,  I think that she set a trap for you when she offered you this irresistible offer, and the trap was for you to end up being- as you are now- emotionally invested in a romantic relationship with her.

When she left the country for 5 weeks, “She made it a point to video call me everyday and ask me about my day. She would also regularly send me amorous text messages that strongly hinted romantic feelings“- she didn’t want her.. work (all she did to cause you to emotionally invest in a romantic relationship with her) to lose momentum because of physical distance, so she kept herself in your mind by frequent contact and she upped her romantic gestures.

“(I) confessed mine to her… We still continue to meet for sex. She does text me everyday but she had stopped sending me those amorous texts and stopped using my pet name. Her calls have gotten less frequent“- you confessing your romantic feelings= her mission accomplished. After that.. her goal is maintenance: to keep you wanting her romantically by keeping you from getting what you want.

The last part of your original post: “The last few weeks have been really difficult for me. I know the right thing to do would be cut ties with her and walk away, but, I am having a hard time accepting what happened”-

– It will be easier to accept what happened when you understand what happened.

“I understand how FWB works“-

– I think that the central theme of the relationship has not how FWB works, but how she works: she uses the FWB factor as a way for her to be in-control of you and of the relationship via dishonest manipulation.

“How did I end up in this situation?“- you didn’t know.. how she works..

Do you think I understand the situation correctly, in part or in whole? (I am checking my understanding with you).

“How do I let this go and deal with the pain?“- let’s talk about it further, shall we?

anita

Dear Priyan:

You asked: “How did I end up in this situation?“- let’s see…: you (32) were sexually attracted to a woman (37) in a bathing suit, in a public pool=> you had dinner with her the same evening, an evening with “lots of sexual tension“. You told her that evening that you “would like to seriously date her“, and she didn’t give you an answer=> a week later, she gave you an answer: “not ready to emotionally invest in a relationship, but, she would be willing to casually hook up“.

Next, you hooked up and the relationship fit the Friends With Benefits category (a relationship that is sexual but not romantic, no commitment and no strings attached. It can be short term or long term. The extent of emotional involvement in different FWB relationships is different because no two people are identical and therefore, no two FWB relationships is identical).

Next, “she wanted to cuddle and talk after sex… she started texting and calling me every day and even expected me to stay the night with her when she got sick“=> you told her that you were “not looking for anything other than sex from her“-

– I suppose that your initial motivation “to seriously date her” was.. not your true motivation when you had dinner with her on the same day you met her for the first time.. that it was something you said at the time while under the influence, so to speak, of all that “lot of sexual tension“…?

* It is possible that at that point, when you told her that you were not looking for anything other than sex with her, that her feelings were hurt.

Next, you started staying nights with her, even entire weekends and accompanied her on shopping trips during which “she made sure that I never touched her/held her hand in public and never introduced me to her friends or family“. When she left the country for 5 weeks, she regularly sent you amorous, romantic text messages and used a pet name for you. It is at that time that you “started developing feeling for her“- romantic feelings, that is.

Next, you told her that you had feelings for her, and her response: “she showed no emotions and asked for some time to think about it“. Next, she said “she didn’t feel the same way. She said she saw me only as a good friend and an awesome sexual partner and nothing else“.

When you brought up to her the romantic, amorous text messages she sent you when out of the country, she told you that “she thought she felt something when we were apart but those feelings went away after she saw me in person and had sex“.

Currently, the two of you still “meet for sex“, but she no longer sends you amorous texts and she no longer uses a pet name for you.

“Did I misread her cues and signals?.. Or was it my imagination that she felt something for me?“- I don’t think that you misread her cues and signals; that it was your imagination that she had romantic feelings for you. I think that she really did have romantic feelings for you.

“Or did I do something that made her lose interest in me?“- possibly when you told her, after she clearly expressed a romantic need for you, that you were not looking for anything other than sex with her. No doubt that such a statement would offend many women.

“How do I let this go and deal with the pain?“- I am sorry that you are dealing with pain. If the two of you were able to be very honest with each other, that would help the two of you!

Maybe you can show her how honest you can be, and that will motivate her to reciprocate your honesty.

Here is what this honesty I am referring to may look like, as an example of what could be true to your situation (I don’t know what is true because a very honest conversation between the two of you didn’t yet take place): the two of you met in a pool, sexual tension was high on your part, maybe more than on her part. During the first dinner, fueled by sexual tension, you told her that you seriously wanted to date her (but meant that.. you seriously wanted to have sex with her). Scared of having her feelings hurt yet again in the context of a traditional relationship (as I am guessing happened many times in her past, particularly being that she is 37), she wanted to protect herself by placing the relationship in the FWB box.

Next, she wanted out of that box (yet, not ready to leave it), but when you told her that for you, she belongs in that box (that you were not looking for anything other than sex with her), you kind of added a lock to that box.  You eventually developed romantic feelings for her and told her about it.. but she heard- and answered you- from within that box.

What do you think…?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

It sounds good to me, it does!

anita

Dear Jay:

(I am the one adding the boldface feature to the following quote):  “There was quite a lot of positive body language from her, granted there was a moderate amount of wine involved…  The evening ended with what I would refer was a firm hug and ‘lets do coffee‘. Next day I send her a msg saying how nice it was to see her and let’s do coffee, 4 days later I get a response and it seems its (now) been defined as a ‘business’ coffee… What would you do?”-

– offer her: let’s do (a moderate amount of) wine, instead of coffee…?

Rarely do I suggest a simple solution, but maybe it is appropriate here, since as you know, alcohol relaxes  and caffeine does the opposite.

* I am not promoting alcohol as a way of life when dating or otherwise.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I like everything you wrote today in your short post. You are welcome, thank you, and please take a day off (or more, take as much time as you need) from introspection. It’ll be a well-deserved time off from the excellent introspection you are capable of!

anita

Dear Stacy:

I know you gave (and still do) great importance to what he said, to the words he uttered and texted to you. Let’s look at one sentence he said to you, which you mentioned today: “he told me after the breakup that he was ‘eternally grateful for me for showing him he is worthy of love.'”-

– His words are an expression of his style, not of his substance. If it was his genuine experience that he felt worthy of love because of you.. he’d still be in a relationship with you.

Saying what he said after the breakup is meant to appease .. the opponent, so to speak, as in saying: I am breaking up with you, but thank you for being so great! It’s a common, every day making-nice strategy aimed at avoiding confrontations.

“When he dumped me…  he tried to wrap it up poetically by quoting our first Hinge conversation, hoping it would appease me“- his motivation: to appease, his style: poetic.

“He claimed they never made anything official but that she…”- what he claimed was not necessarily true.

“I still feel like he might have used me as a rebound to get back at her in his mind, even unknowingly.(I know, I’m doing it again. I think I make a lot of fatalistic conclusions..)”- conclusions based on his style (not substance); on what he claimed.

“I think I make a lot of fatalistic conclusions so as to try to gain control)”- try to gain control over what?

“The visuals remind me of the 2007 Sweeney Todd film with the character of Johanna being locked in her bedroom, singing to a bird in a cage and looking wistfully outside her window seeing people going about their lives below“-

– it’s like you being locked in (your life suspended), you being the bird in a cage, a bird meant to fly and be free. And locked in and caged, you are looking wistfully outside the window (looking at your ex’s social media activity), seeing him going about his life and wishing he had freed you and taken you with him to freedom.

“She sings through her pain and it gives her hope, even if it’s all she has. I always really resonated with the idea of being JUST out of reach for what you long for and feeling powerless to your surroundings”-  Just out of reach of freedom, feeling powerless to reach freedom on your own (without the ex): Learned Helplessness.

It reminds me of the real-life imagery I read about in regard to learned helplessness: a baby elephant’s leg was chained so he could only walk around a small area. He tried again and again to walk farther but being a baby, he was too weak to break the chain. And so, he stopped trying.  As the baby grew into a big, strong adult elephant, still chained, he kept walking around the small area that the chain allowed him to walk. Big and strong, he could have easily broken the chain and set himself free, but he didn’t know that he was strong. He still believed that he was as weak as he was when he was a baby.

Do you resonate with this imagery?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Your mood probably has a lot to do with sleeping too little as a result of the nicotine and wine you consumed yesterday, and your menstrual cycle is part of it because of the hormones released.. and the reading from the book overwhelmed you.. A combination of things. I think that you should have some calming tea if you have that, or warm milk.. a hot bath and relax, calming music maybe.. Try to not think about any of what troubles you.. will you?

anita

Dear Simon: You are doing fine. Simply address the member you are responding to, just you did above: “(member’s name)____..response to the particular member.

anita