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anita

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  • in reply to: Feeling like hitting rock-bottom after losing everything #428613
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aryan:

    I am looking for new people who can give me new perspectives to live, and honestly a freshness of connection beyond my existing friend circle“-

    – “a freshness of connection“, what an original, refreshing expression. Connections with people can be indeed fresh, flowing, vibrant, or they can be stale, stagnant, dull. The first kind inspires you to grow, the second keeps you dull, stuck.

    Of which kind is your connection with your parents (the most important people when it comes to who you are today)?

    anita

    in reply to: Feeling like hitting rock-bottom after losing everything #428611
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aryan:

    I do not feel the same, in fact the opposite, I feel scared to be alone now. However, since the breakup everything seems extra lonely“- I think I get it: for a short while you were on an Emotional High, that of feeling excited about going to college, having new friends and the cherry on top: having a girlfriend!

    Now, you are feeling worse than before going to college because of the long Fall from the recent High, “hitting rock-bottom“, like you said.

    I never have had stability in life“- this is a source of anxiety, never having had stability in your life. I wonder if by this, you mean that you moved a lot, if your parents are divorced or they fought a lot. You don’t have to share about this, of course, but you can if you want to.

    You wrote that you are looking for new friends, people who are: “ambitious and goal oriented or at least in places that will be beneficial and social for me“- people who will benefit you in what ways.. (again, I wonder)..

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    Re-submitted:

    Dear Robi:

    You are welcome, thank you, and good to read from you again!

    I’m experiencing a lot of impostor syndrome and insecurities which suck up a lot of my energy so I often end up being emotionally tired… I keep feeling like I’m impersonating someone who knows what he’s doing“-

    – from very well mind/ imposter syndrome and social anxiety: “Studies also suggest that people who come from families that experienced high levels of conflict with low amounts of support may be more likely to experience imposter syndrome… Entering a new role can trigger impostor syndrome. For example… when starting a new position at work…

    ”To move past these feelings, you need to become comfortable confronting some of the deeply ingrained beliefs you hold about yourself…  Talk to other people about how you are feeling… Make a realistic assessment of your abilities. Write down your accomplishments and what you are good at… Don’t focus on doing things perfectly, but rather, do things reasonably well and reward yourself for taking action… Question whether your thoughts are rational…  Don’t fight the feelings of not belonging. Instead, try to lean into them and accept them…

    ”No matter how much you feel like you are a fraud or that you don’t belong, don’t let that stop you from pursuing your goals. Keep going and refuse to be stopped…. Don’t be held back by your fear of being found out. Instead, lean into that feeling and get to its roots. Let your guard down and allow others to see the real you”.

    Back to your post: “In the last years I’ve learned to be more accepting of myself… Teaching online makes it even more difficult but in the end I didn’t give up – I need the money… I haven’t even seen many of my friends or gone out drinking with them, the way I used to do in the past when I used to live here. This time I seem to have a different mindset – this time I’m more focused on my growth and my financial stability… I sat down with my anxiety and kept my eyes on the prize“-

    – Change, Progress and Adulting: Robi growing up- becoming adult (part of the title of your thread), I am positively impressed!

    The one thing I’m really excited about is the arrival of my girlfriend on Thursday. She’ll be here for 10 days! I’m very happy about that… I seem to have grown a lot closer to my girlfriend, as if she’s both my best friend and partner. It all feels like home – in a really good way“- your girlfriend is your home, and it’s a very good thing!

    I’ve only been here for about 10 days but I feel like I’ve been here for months… Maybe I’m giving myself too much of a hard time, maybe I’m doing better than I think“- the Imposter Syndrome is indeed exhausting, taking a lot of your energy (like you stated in the beginning of your post), and time therefore feels longer.  And you are definitely doing better than you think (thinking that you are doing worse than you actually are is in the core of the Imposter Syndrome)

    “I was thinking yesterday morning on the beach after finishing my meditation – ‘So what if I fail? Better fail than not even try ‘“- this is courage, Robi being Courageous!

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi:

    You are welcome, thank you, and good to read from you again!

    I’m experiencing a lot of impostor syndrome and insecurities which suck up a lot of my energy so I often end up being emotionally tired… I keep feeling like I’m impersonating someone who knows what he’s doing“-

    – from very well mind/ imposter syndrome and social anxiety: “Studies also suggest that people who come from families that experienced high levels of conflict with low amounts of support may be more likely to experience imposter syndrome… Entering a new role can trigger impostor syndrome. For example… when starting a new position at work…
    <p id=”mntl-sc-block_1-0-93″ class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>”To move past these feelings, you need to become comfortable confronting some of the deeply ingrained beliefs you hold about yourself…  Talk to other people about how you are feeling… Make a realistic assessment of your abilities. Write down your accomplishments and what you are good at… Don’t focus on doing things perfectly, but rather, do things reasonably well and reward yourself for taking action… Question whether your thoughts are rational…  Don’t fight the feelings of not belonging. Instead, try to lean into them and accept them…</p>
    <p class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>”No matter how much you feel like you are a fraud or that you don’t belong, don’t let that stop you from pursuing your goals. Keep going and refuse to be stopped…. Don’t be held back by your fear of being found out. Instead, lean into that feeling and get to its roots. Let your guard down and allow others to see the real you”.</p>
    Back to your post: “In the last years I’ve learned to be more accepting of myself… Teaching online makes it even more difficult but in the end I didn’t give up – I need the money… I haven’t even seen many of my friends or gone out drinking with them, the way I used to do in the past when I used to live here. This time I seem to have a different mindset – this time I’m more focused on my growth and my financial stability… I sat down with my anxiety and kept my eyes on the prize“-

    – Change, Progress and Adulting: Robi growing up- becoming adult (part of the title of your thread), I am positively impressed!

    The one thing I’m really excited about is the arrival of my girlfriend on Thursday. She’ll be here for 10 days! I’m very happy about that… I seem to have grown a lot closer to my girlfriend, as if she’s both my best friend and partner. It all feels like home – in a really good way“- your girlfriend is your home, and it’s a very good thing!

    I’ve only been here for about 10 days but I feel like I’ve been here for months… Maybe I’m giving myself too much of a hard time, maybe I’m doing better than I think“- the Imposter Syndrome is indeed exhausting, taking a lot of your energy (like you stated in the beginning of your post), and time therefore feels longer.  And you are definitely doing better than you think (thinking that you are doing worse than you actually are is in the core of the Imposter Syndrome)

    “I was thinking yesterday morning on the beach after finishing my meditation – ‘So what if I fail? Better fail than not even try ‘“- this is courage, Robi being Courageous!

    anita

     

    in reply to: Feeling like hitting rock-bottom after losing everything #428607
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aryan:

    This time in terms of relationship, I utterly failed… failed to get free and comfortable around her and ended up being immature and unauthentic and boring“- you were too anxious to be comfortable to-be-you around her. The disquiet, unease, unrest nature of anxiety makes it difficult to impossible.

    If you think of the experience of being free to-be-you as you sitting in the driver seat of your car and pressing the gas pedal,  freely moving forward, then anxiety is like someone in the passenger seat is pressing the brake pedal (at the same time that you are pressing the gas pedal): there are lots of abrupt, noisy jolts back and forth, but the car is stuck, it is not moving forward.

    Being a big time loner all my life, finding so many friends coming to college was a great experience… Even after having so many friends, I feel unsatisfied and lonely… suddenly I have no one except me. It saddening and makes me scared“- the way I understand it, is that you got used to being a big time loner. It became an emotional habit. College made a temporary difference, and now, you are back to your emotional habit of feeling lonely, sad and scared.

    So many friends coming to college was a great experience. However, now I find those same friends limiting“- at first, it was a great experience to be with your then new college friends, and then it became a limiting experience, limiting in what way?

    In fact I am trying to find new friends but haven’t been successful yet“- what are you looking for in new (unlimiting) friends?

    anita

    in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #428593
    anita
    Participant

    It’s been 18 days since you last posted, how are you, Worldofthewaterwheels?

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    How are you, allette, anything new?

    anita

    in reply to: I love my girlfriend but im not happy #428591
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, IMBACK?

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    Be patient, Robi.. don’t give up, be resilient.. I am rooting for you!

    anita

    in reply to: Why pursue meaning in life #428589
    anita
    Participant

    * I am liking your post, Tommy, to show you my appreciation for your posts, including your sense of humor, which I find to be positively hilarious (five days ago when an OP thanked you for your input, you responded with: “Yeah, sometimes I do not know when to keep my mouth shut” . lol!!!)

    anita

     

    in reply to: Fear, Anxiety and Healing #428585
    anita
    Participant

    Continued (warning stated after typing the below): reading what follows may be upsetting to some readers):

    I need to place the intense, original fears of my childhood in a designated area: the past” (right above in yesterday’s post)- fear that she will die, that she will kill herself (she said she will), that I will be alone without her,

    and fear of being with her, fear that she will kill me (she said she will)-

    – it did not and will never happen: she will not kill herself, simply because for 40 years she threatened, but didn’t. She will not kill me because I am not there in her presence, therefore, she can’t, it’s not something that’s possible for her to do: I am not there with her!

    There is a sense of victory right there, in the above: I made it impossible for her to kill me, I have this much power, here and now!

    “I will murder you!”, she said, she promised; no, mother-monster, you won’t, because you can’t. I am not there with you!!!

    I can hear her in my mind’s ear right now saying that I am crazy to believe those long-gone words of hers, that “everyone says words they don’t mean when angry” (she had said that which I just quoted). But oh, mother-monster, you said those words: “I will murder you!” with a voice, an emotion, an alarm that sounded like you were about to do it!

    I would distill my original Fear to this one fear: that my mother-monster will viciously kill me, murder me.

    Oh, mother… please don’t.. please don’t!?

    Oh, mother.. please..

    When the person you need most is a monster.

    Oh, mother, please be a mother to me, take me in gentle arms, tell me in a gentle voice, tell me I am safe with you, I’d do anything…

    I hear her in my mind’s ear saying: you stupid thing, you bad thing: “you know that no one means when they say things out of anger”, you make something out of nothing!

    But oh, mother-monster, how many people were murders every day ever since you said those words to me, for the first time.. how many people said “I’ll murder you!” and then did the deed..

    I am trying to talk sense to her (to my mother-monster) right now.. still trying to make her understand, trying to make the monster-mother be a mother.

    Oh, how much I need, how much I still need a mother.. where can I find a mother for me?

    There isn’t any.

    And with all due respect, my “inner mother” cannot parent my “inner child”, not any way close to what I needed then, and still need from a real mother: a person outside of me to hold me dearly and take care of me gently, so that I can be.

    I hear her still: you coward, she says, you terrible creature you are, to vilify me…

    Oh, mother-monster, we will never have a meeting-of-the-minds, will we?

    To TRY to reach out to the monster-mother for so long, make her hear me, gently, so gently ask her to hear me… with absolutely zero chance for success. To keep chasing her, pleading: hear me, hear me, be my mother..?!

    To be continued.

    anita

     

     

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    I think I can give myself grace as to those thoughts still surfacing. I will do my best to keep mindful of these thoughts and not partake and know it will slowly vanish“- Grace, Mindfulness and Patience, the right attitude and practice combo!

    Did you ever fall into a relationship with a person who showed you the same contempt as your mother?“- no. Of all the people who were physically present in my life and with whom I interacted (unlike let’s say a historical/ political figure that caused destruction in millions of lives, including mine, but I was never in that person’s physical presence), no one bothered to put in the time and effort that my mother bothered to put into making me feel bad.

    Dear Retroactive awareness, I am excited for you to become ‘active‘”- (a face that thinks-it’s-funny emoji)

    I feel my dad will support someone I choose, proof of that is actually a relationship I had at 18…  my dad agreed to spend time with him alone when he wanted to get to know my dad“- because it flattered him that a much younger guy wanted to get to know him, to learn from him perhaps, as an admiring mentee?

    Once I turned 18, my dad’s restrictions suddenly stopped. He suddenly no longer cared where I was or how long I was gone“-it could be that he was following a rigid rule, that he was responsible to keep you away from guys only until the age of 18.

    Or, it could be that when you were a teenager living with him, while and he was divorced from your mother, there was an emotionally- incestuous element to his demands that you will be available to him (ex., that you will taken a shower before he gets back home, if I remember correctly, so that you are there for him the moment he’s back home), and to his persistent insistence that you will not wear tight jeans etc., so not to attract boys. But by the time you turned 18, he was in a new romantic relationship (with his current girlfriend..?), and that’s when he stopped being.. inappropriately possessive of you.

    If I spent too long at my mom’s he said he felt like he was just a bank to me… and there is a similarity here with N too“- I don’t know what F wanted from you.. an ever-lasting admiration, a.. kind of love that’s not appropriate for a father to demand from his daughter..?

    I notice sometimes when I’m having a good time I worry the good time will end or that I will make it awkward and ruin it. D.. last night I met some new people..  we ended up just dancing all night with, and it was so much fun to dance like that. I do love to dance… There were moments I was dancing just carefree, then suddenly I’d have thoughts of wondering what I looked like and not wanting to ruin the moment by losing my ability to dance… I wonder what this is all about, where those thoughts are coming from. A thorn perhaps?“- this could be about F’s inappropriate possessiveness of you pre-18, his attention to your clothes being too revealing= his attention to your revealed feminine body, and how awkward and self-conscious it made you feel at the time.

    Do you remember when I commented about N’s lack of humor, and it still sounds superficial that I say it“- yes, I remember, and it no longer sounds superficial to me, not when I think of N being chronically numb as the reason behind him not being able to laugh (or compliment you, or elaborate about his feelings.. or freely dance..?)

    But to put it into perspective, last night I laughed more with M and the friends I met than I can ever remember laughing with N. I would love for my partner to be someone I can dance and laugh with, but I also want to be careful to not have too many standards/expectations“- sometime, you can journal about realistic expectations from a partner vs unrealistic expectations from a partner…

    anita

     

    in reply to: Feeling like hitting rock-bottom after losing everything #428580
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aryan:

    My anxiety and negative thinking made me lose her within a month. I have been devastated by the fact I couldn’t even communicate properly to her how I was feeling. It could’ve been something great but I ruined everything with my own hands“- you are taking 100% responsibility for the ending of the month-old relationship. I am guessing that she carries some responsibility too. I wonder if your feeling/ belief that you ruined everything with her extends to how you generally feel and believe about your life (that you ruin everything)?

    My grades are at a pretty low state and I am trying to work on those. My social life looks abysmal… I am just stuck here with no motivation even to get out of the bed. I have been trying very hard but everything seems so monotone and pointless. The future seems very overwhelming… It feels like rock-bottom and so damn lonely“- humans, such as you and I, are social beings by nature. To be motivated to get out of bed, to be able to focus and do well in school, to feel somewhere above rock bottom, we have to feel connected to other people.

    – From cdc. gov/ emotional well-being: “Social isolation and loneliness have become widespread problems in the United States, posing a serious threat to our mental and physical health… Social isolation is the lack of relationships with others and little to no social support or contact. It is associated with risk even if people don’t feel lonely. Loneliness is feeling alone or disconnected from others. It is feeling like you do not have meaningful or close relationships or a sense of belonging. It reflects the difference between a person’s actual and desired level of connection. This means that even a person with a lot of friends can feel lonely”.

    From the guardian. com/ WHO declares loneliness a ‘global public health concern’: “The World Health Organization has launched an international commission on loneliness, which can be as bad for people’s health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day…'[Loneliness] transcends borders and is becoming a global public health concern affecting every facet of health, wellbeing and development,’ said Mpemba. “Social isolation knows no age or boundaries.’…
    <p class=”dcr-4cudl2″>”Between 5% and 15% of adolescents are lonely, according to figures that are likely to be underestimates… Young people experiencing loneliness at school are more likely to drop out of university…”-</p>
    What do you think of, or feel about the above quotes?

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gregory:

    Thank you for your kind words! You asked how I am doing: well, in the last couple of nights I slept very, very little ad I am very, very tired.

    I really don’t know what I can do for you“- Maybe you can help me by praying that I sleep better..?

    However, if you have an ideas too on this research feel free to add“- during the long, long hours of being awake at night I thought about what I could add to the impressive and thorough research proposal you presented here, and I came up with something that I would add, if I had a part in putting this proposal together. I will develop the idea in this post, but first, I want to clarify that in the following, when I refer to a growing fetus (the unborn) as “something” or a “thing”, I understand that it may offend some people, but if I don’t use these, I wouldn’t be able to explain myself adequately:

    Years ago, it occurred to me that if I had something growing inside my belly, something that’s expected to continue to grow for months, I would feel claustrophobic, as in urgently wanting this thing out of me, as soon as possible. This feeling is connected to how uncomfortable I’ve been since I remember myself when I eat too much and/ or my belly is big because of bloating. This intense sensitivity is connected to anxiety and what is called body vigilance: paying too much attention to sensations in the body and feeling distressed over them.

    Continuing the thoughts above: if I had something growing in my body, and I would know that it will keep growing for months, and then, in its biggest form, it will have to come out of my body in  what women (who gave birth) refer to as the most physically painful experience in their lives, I would be in panic and want that thing out of me.. as soon as possible.

    Think if it happened to you, Gregory.. (in your male form), how would you feel…

    I didn’t research the topic, and didn’t read about it anywhere: these are my personal thoughts, but I have no doubt that there are other women in the world who think and feel similarly on this topic.

    The research proposal paper says about pre-eclampsia: “It typically manifests after 20 weeks of gestation“- at 20 weeks, the developing fetus is big enough to trigger the panic I mentioned, in women inclined to panic.

    Various risk factors contribute to the development of pre-eclampsia, including a first pregnancy, multiple pregnancies (e.g., twins or triplets)“- it makes sense that women inclined to panic when pregnant, will panic the first time they are pregnant, and more so, if they have not only one “thing” growing inside them (and having to come out of them painfully), but two, or three.

    Globally, pre-eclampsia affects approximately 5-8% of pregnancies“- I am guessing that of the 5-8% of pre-eclampsia pregnancies (and it is only a guess), 2-3% of the pregnant women experience the panic I am referring to in this post.

    The distressing symptoms of pre-eclampsia themselves can trigger panic/ elevated anxiety, but what I am suggesting in this post (and I am not a doctor or ay kind of a health professional!) is that in the case of some pregnant women, their thoughts, perceptions and feelings about being pregnant, by themselves, over time, may lead to the physical symptoms of pre-eclampsia. I believe that it is known that elevated, ongoing anxiety involves an over secretion of stress hormones into the blood, and those hormones can damage blood vessels and organs.

    Therefore, in the “Data Collection Procedures” section that includes surveying pregnant women, I would add open-ended (non-leading) questions in regard to the pregnant woman’s feelings and perceptions about her body (see body vigilance), and particularly about her pregnancy, questions such as:(1) After a big meal, do you physically feel comfortable or uncomfortable? (2) Is it physically comfortable or uncomfortable for you to be pregnant? (2) If this is your first pregnancy, what did the women in your family who gave birth, tell you about the experience of giving birth?.

    Depending on their answers, if there is evidence of elevated anxiety of the kind I mentioned above, more questions can be asked during a 2nd or 3rd survey. The information collected can be the basis for mental help and support (individual therapy/ group therapy) designed for this group of pregnant women.

    * I am guessing that many women would resist admitting such feelings in regard to carrying their unborn babies, feeling ashamed of their feelings.. like they are abnormal and bad women and future mothers for feeling what they feel. This very shame can lead to anxiety on top of the anxiety they already feel. Therefore, attention should be paid by professionals to making women comfortable (not feeling abnormal or bizarre) with their feelings and take it from there.

    anita

     

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gregory:

    You are very welcome. I’ll reply further to you tomorrow!

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 2,521 through 2,535 (of 3,506 total)