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anitaParticipantContinued:
It’s naive/ not true to believe that hurt people don’t lie, that abused people don’t proceed to abuse others, that abuse doesn’t breed abuse. You see a hurt person and you want to help that person, only that they have been already helping themselves to you. To really help another person.. you have to stop them from helping themselves to you, taking advantage of you, lying..
For me to be honest with myself and with others, I have to detect deceit by others and keep myself honest with all.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
That person lied to me, repeatedly. A child is not born with the ability to handle being lied to by anyone, let alone by one own’s mother. I was lied to. The Truth twisted in so many ways, all for the purpose of her winning a argument (an argument that I didn’t participate in). The thing about people who lie regularly, is that they don’t experience a conflict about it. In their minds, it’s not a problem, no cognitive dissonance. No guilt. They are beyond it, too troubled to bother with truth vs lie. They are Angry and that’s it. No value to guide their anger toward an ethical expression of some kind. Angry= all hell breaks loose.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
There really is such a thing as Objective Truth = The Truth. Such as gravity. People who jump off a cliff will fall down and get hurt regardless of their beliefs about gravity, or their beliefs about their ability to resist gravity.
Not committing to any objective truth is living in fantasy, or it may be a matter of deceiving others.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
The search for truth- what a refreshing endeavor, a refreshing motivation: to understand that which is true, however terrible it may be. Truth is my personal salvation, my rescue from confusion, suffering, shame, guilt and despair. Seeing Truth is my hope, it’s what I live for.
anita
May 5, 2024 at 9:23 am in reply to: Lonely Confused Depressed and reaching the end of my rope #432357anitaParticipantDear Nate:
I didn’t spend much time on your short original post yesterday and I want to try and do a better job responding this Sunday morning:
“No matter what I do I can’t find anybody who loves me or wants to love me and I have no idea what makes me so unlovable… I can’t figure out what makes me such an unlovable s*** who isn’t worthy of a partner or sex. Is it my body? is it my face? Everybody says it’s not your fault, but it doesn’t make sense because if I get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault???“-
– Traditionally, when it comes to dating, men initiate: they are the ones doing the asking, and women respond with a Yes or a No. This means that most men, if they take on the asking, get lots of No-s before they get a Yes, while women don’t get No-s because they are not the one doing the asking.
– You say that you were ghosted by 12 women. If you never met these women in real-life and they all ghosted you online (in a dating website perhaps), then being ghosted online is, unfortunately, a very common experience, it’s.. business as usual. How a person comes across online may be a problem: if one expresses an attitude of hostility or extensive self-pity, that is likely to turn people off.
– If you met these 12 women in real-life, on a date or a few dates, and then they ghosted you; again, how you come across to women may be a problem. If you come across in ways that women find unattractive, there are ways for you to change the way you come across. For example, let’s say that on a date, you say little and you don’t ask the woman any questions. The result: she may think that you are bored with her, and that you have no interest in getting to know her better. If so, even though you feel lonely, you come across as someone who is not social. In this example, you can learn to make small talk, and to ask questions so that the woman feels that you not bored with her, and that you are interested in getting to know her.
You ended your original post with: “I don’t know what to do and I’m in desperate need of someone to talk to“- please talk here, talk to me..?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Meatball:
You are welcome. “she texted saying that she ‘is all in and wants to do the work’“-
– On your first temporary breakup almost 9 years ago, she ghosted you for a few days and then reached out to you and told you that she missed you, that she was sorry, and that “she didn’t know why she fell into this feeling“- ask her now, 9 years later, if she knows why she fell into this feeling back then and repeatedly since. If she has no idea why, or is very vague about it, it’d mean, to me, that she never bothered to figure it out in 9 years, and therefore, she is not at all, all in and wants to do the work.
Like I suggested in my last post to you, since (you stated that) she has no money, no credit to rent a place for herself, and since she has nowhere to go, it may be that she wants to stay living with you rent/ expense free. This may be her primary motivation. Are you okay with this possibility, or probability?
“She’s been texting/ calling the entire weekend and wants to make things work. I just don’t know what to do.“- you can tell her that you are willing to try and make things work after she moves out. See her response..?
I understand that your feelings are strong, that you are, as you stated, codependent, that in previous relationships, you “initiated the break-ups normally after meeting someone else“, and in your current relationship you haven’t met someone else yet; and I feel badly for her for not being able to live on her own. The question is, are you strong enough to do what’s right for all parties involved?
I believe that the right thing to do for all parties involved would be (1) to not have a physical-sexual relationship with her unless her motivation is not to exchange sex for a rent-free/ expenses-free living arrangement, (2) if she is willing, try and work on the relationship while not living together, first as friends only, (3) to work with her and with social services on finding a living arrangement for her and her daughter elsewhere (not in your house).
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
I don’t remember ever arguing with my mother.. I wouldn’t dare. I tried to explain myself many times, to create a moment of understanding between her and me.. oh, what a beautiful meeting-of-the-minds that would have been, a place to rest, a place to settle and take a deep, slow, much needed breath in. And out.
I didn’t argue, but she argued against my sincere explanations, accusing me of lying and making things up and trying to hurt her feelings. There was not to be an understanding between her and me, not a single Yes, we Understand each other moment.
I looked for the truth, I highly valued the truth; she didn’t. She cared about winning her arguments against me, and whatever it took to Win, that is, to Crush me.. that’s what she said. Whatever it took to hurt me, she said it. Truth was not a consideration.
It’s not that she purposefully misstated the truth, it’s that she didn’t care if she did or not. Truth vs Lie was not an issue for her. She simply said whatever it took for her to come up at the top, and me- at the bottom.
Submission of me, was the name of her game. Truth irrelevant.
I noticed I typed above “my mother”, not that person, not mother-monster, just.. my mother. For the child within-me, I must confess, she’ll always be my mother, simply because there was no other.. mother. She was the only one there.
Her legacy in my mind is that look in her eyes I remember seeing the last time I saw her in-person, that look that sends the strongest message: you (anita), you are a bad, bad, bad person!
Is this message true, was it true? It’s been my concern (is it true?). Not her concern. Her concern was to Win. For her to win, I had to Lose. (It’s an instinctual thing, not an ethical thing)
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
I notice breath. Each breath a arising from Movement, and a return to Stillness. Each breath arising from Time and returning to Eternity. Each breath arising from Worry and returning to Calm. Each breath arising from Anger and returning to Love. Yes. Silence. Emptiness. Nothing gained. Nothing lost. Yes.
anita
May 4, 2024 at 10:18 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #432325anitaParticipantDear Robi:
“I’ve started a new second job here in Alicante – in a beach bar…“- reads like fun, great environment!
“Is the grass always that much greener?“- it used to be that way for me, but I am finally living where I like to live, and I don’t care- at all- to go anywhere else, not even for a visit. I used to live by the beach for decades and didn’t feel at home there. Now I live in the woods, and the grass is literally greener here than anywhere else, lol.
“Now, I’m here in Alicante having 2 jobs but feeling lonely“- as adults, we re-live the emotional experience of difficult childhoods. As a child you were lonely=> as an adult you are lonely (until you change within, heal enough).
“I don’t need those parties and the alcohol to cover my wounds anymore, therefore I’ve ‘lost’ most of my friends (or drinking buddies ) too“- congratulations for losing your drinking buddies..! Looking at the title of your thread, you are indeed growing up!
“I live in Alicante with a friend of mine in a room I don’t like and I feel lonely. I miss my girlfriend… I feel a bit trapped to be honest.. trapped in a cage I myself created… And.. did I say friend? I’m not even sure about this anymore…”– you have to find friends in Alicante, true friends who don’t regularly drink.. Maybe in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), if such exist there?
“Now.. I’ve recently started this new job. It’s actually pretty nice… Still I have doubts. I am not sure I want to stay here. Part of me feels like I’m forcing myself to stay here – like I’m making my life harder. Honestly here I don’t seem to yet find more clarity. Very often I’d like to go back to Warsaw. Being away from my woman hurts.. She’s been here for a few days visiting me last week and she’ll be back in 4 weeks…“- she visits you quite frequently. What does she say about your dilemma (whether to stay in Alicante or move back to Warsaw)?
Here’s an idea: commit to stay where you are for the rest of 2024, and don’t spend any time seriously considering leaving for the rest of this year. Put off the considering to Jan 2025.
“There isn’t much communication with my parents anymore“- that’s not a bad thing. A good thing.
“While I was living in Warsaw I wanted to move here. Maybe I thought it would be easier for her to come over here and now realising that might take a long time… it hit me. Don’t get me wrong. There are good things. I feel like I’m growing and doing a lot of work on the inside… I’ve grown a lot”- the term growing pains come to mind. Endure it and focus on the positives, every day.
“Take good care Anita, I hope you too are doing fine and all is good there where you are!“- thank you, Robi. I am fine.. and so are you, you are doing very well. Take good care of yourself, Robi!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
“I am so grateful I have made such progress. I am thankful for never giving up even though I thought about it a million times“- reading this is inspirational!
“I am working on having less contact with him… My brother can get clingy“- are you referring to your older brother or the younger one?
“and sticking to my boundaries. This is something I do across the board. I lose myself in situations, relationships etc. Each time I notice and something arises I learn more and more that I was just so raised to do, do, do, for others. Almost like I was invisible“- you express yourself so clearly, so succinctly, I am impressed!
Good thing you are sticking to your boundaries across the board! Losing yourself in situations with other people and feeling invisible are synonymous. Boundaries keep you visible.
“So I am really just working on what my truth is. Who am I? What do I stand for? How do I develop relationships and own my spot in it“- you are welcome to share your answers to these questions…
Again, good to read from you!
anita
May 4, 2024 at 9:20 am in reply to: Lonely Confused Depressed and reaching the end of my rope #432321anitaParticipantDear Nate:
I am sorry that you feel unlovable, and i hope that you will feel better soon.
“This year I’ve tried putting myself out there and just got ghosted again by like 12 girls… Everybody says it’s not your fault but it doesn’t make sense because if I get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault???”-
(1) Is the word I boldfaced a typo? (2) In what ways did you put yourself out there?
anita
May 3, 2024 at 3:20 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #432314anitaParticipantDear Robi:
Good to read back from you, and to read that you are well! I will read the rest of your message and reply to you further Sat morning (it is Fri afternoon here… and after midnight where you’re at)). I hope you are sleeping restfully.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
good to read back from you! I will reply further later this Fri, or Sat morning.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
Thank you for the meditation, I will read and give it my best non-duality shot tomorrow morning. I read your first post of today attentively early this morning, and I found it me3aningful and useful.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
Here is an idea: to extend as much empathy to myself as I have extended to another person, any other person for whom I felt empathy, and to whom I expressed empathy. Not more. Not less.
anita
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