Dear Zenith:

If she doesn’t care about a consequence you chose for her, choose a different consequence, one that she will care about!

anita

Dear Clara:

“I think she really wanted to break up, maybe 80% of her wanted to break up. But I guess I had been probably clinging onto the 20% of it most of the time, especially in the beginning“-

– in the beginning of the break, you wrote about her (June 25): “she can’t figure out whether she still loves me or are we just ‘good friends’ who live together… This is just day 3 (of the break)”.

Three months later, there is no behavior on her part that comes close to being good friends: she doesn’t even want there to be any texting between the two of you (“She suggested some ways and one of which was just to use a google form… So I told her that may be, using google form is a better balance of what I want(attend classes) and what she needs(have limited/ no interaction), so at least she wouldn’t get a random text from me“, Sept 7).

You doubted her honesty regarding the break early on: “Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but  sometimes I also double if she just wants to use this time to break up“, June 25.

People who want to break up from a partner are often dishonest in regard to the breakup:

Psychology today/Breakup Strategies: The Brave and the Cowardly: “Breakups are miserable. No one likes going through them, and no one likes putting their (ex-) partners through them. The idea of initiating a breakup is often threatening, even to people who are pretty certain that their relationship needs to end. This discomfort can sometimes lead people to use ‘soft’ or indirect breakup strategies… The use of such strategies only adds insult to injury for the rejected partner, who would have preferred that someone was more honest and direct with them. A painful breakup can thus be made even worse by the way it took place…

“In a paper published in 2012, Collins and Gillath highlight seven general strategies that people use to break up with a romantic partner, which range from direct and honest to, well, less so … 1. The open confrontation strategy is the most straightforward approach. A person openly communicates their desire to end the relationship, as well as their true reasons why.

2. The positive tone/self-blame strategy… This is the classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ approach… not entirely honest, as it often involves taking complete blame, concealing the true motives for breaking up (e.g., flaws in the partner), and generally trying to soften the blow and avoid hard feelings.

3. The de-escalation strategy essentially entails slowly back away from a relationship. Rather than ending things cleanly and directly, a person using this strategy will procrastinate, waiting for the ‘right time’…

4. The avoidance/withdrawal strategy is like de-escalation, but colder. A person will signal their lack of interest in the relationship by avoiding their partner, making excuses not to get together, no longer asking or providing favors, and withholding affection and intimacy.

5. The cost escalation strategy involves trying to get the partner to end the relationship. An individual will pick fights, be disagreeable or demanding, and generally make things miserable until the partner decides that it’s time for them to go their separate ways…

“Not surprisingly, Collins and Gillath found that people most prefer to be broken up with directly, with approaches like the open confrontation strategy. In contrast, people tend to experience more distress when they are broken up with indirectly, with approaches like the avoidance/withdrawal (strategy)…

“Collins and Gillath found that anxiously attached individuals were most likely to use the positive tone/self-blame and de-escalation approaches—strategies that help maintain the relationship with the ex-partner and that might leave the door open to get back together in the future. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals were more likely to be indirect, with approaches like avoidance/withdrawal. Overall, feeling secure helps people to break up with their partners more directly and honestly, which ultimately proves to be more compassionate for the soon-to-be ex.”

The way she broke up with you definitely fits The avoidance/withdrawal strategy, signaling her lack of interest in the relationship way before the break, and the break itself was a month-long signal. And this strategy fits her attachment style. The article says: “avoidantly attached individuals were more likely to be indirect, with approaches like avoidance/withdrawal”, and on Aug 19, you wrote: “it seems to me that I am anxious attachment, and she is avoidance“.

She definitely didn’t break up with you the honest and direct way. She broke up with you over a long period of time, causing you much unnecessary waiting, distress and confusion. An example of your confusion: “I guess the whole thing is a bit out of my comprehension. I can’t figure out if she wants to break up, or if she wants to salvage the relationship(or any other motive).  The actions do not add up” (July 2).

Back on June 27, you wrote: “I sometime have some overreacting and made her scared”, on July 2: “my reaction makes her feel she was at fault all the time”, on July 5: “she is very cautious of what I say and tip toes“, on July 21: “whenever I feel the possibility of being abandoned and the insecurity, I became angry and… made the close-one my enemy“- These are things that you need to continue to resolve so to have a future healthy relationship with a non- avoidant individual. Because a relationship with an avoidantly-attached individual, once there is any conflict, increases the anxiety of an anxiously-attached individual (you). And an avoidantly-attached individual is more likely to be dishonest and indirect when scared and tiptoeing around a person who overreacts.

Back to your most recent post: “If what you said were true, those are just lies (conscious/ unconscious) to make me feel more empathetic towards her/ calmer, I think she really needs therapies to deal with her stuff…  This is a very ingenuine life that she is living, to herself and others, if this is how she is“- I think that there aren’t lots of people who live very genuine lives because of all the anxiety that’s going around, starting in our childhoods, and the ways we cope/ protect ourselves. It takes undoing unhealthy coping mechanisms and adopting healthy ways to protect ourselves.

In the case of the two of you, it’d take you learning further to not overreact (practice emotion regulation skills), and it’d take her to no longer.. under-reacting when it comes to honest and direct communication during conflicts, and instead: address and resolve conflicts early on, before she experiences burn-outs and quits (in the contexts of work and relationships)

“I had a busy weekend and I joined a workshop, on how to connect with nature. Observe trees, meditate and do some grounding (imagine being a tree etc.). Basically, communicate with trees. I found it quite fascinating as I did feel very energized afterwards“- trees do not overreact, do they? They react very slowly and gradually to various distresses. At this time of the year, not having enough water in the ground, they drop their leaves gradually, over a long while, not all at once, and they don’t panic and drop their branches.. they don’t overreact. And they are honest and direct: they don’t drop their leaves while hiding, and they don’t say: maybe I will drop my leaves, maybe I will not.. they just do.

Honesty and directness, when not delivered in a rude/ abusive way, is indeed fascinating and energizing!

anita

Dear Zenith:

“She is cute though and fun to be with. I love her a lot.”- I am sure that she is cute, absolutely. And I am sure that you and your husband love her a lot. Tell her and show her that you love her, not by trying to please her at all times, but by enforcing rules that she must obey. She needs rules, it will probably give her the structure and trust in her parents (for being strong & reliable in regard to setting rules and seeing that she follows them). This will calm her.

“We had a great time on Friday as a family. We went to out to ice cream, then chuck-e cheese, then had pizza. But after all that she wasn’t happy“- I think that much more than needing ice-cream and pizza, she needs two strong parents who work together setting rules and seeing to it that she follows them: this will make her happy.

anita

Adding:

“My husband and I are pretty friendly with her. She says she is bored at home and feels alone“- and she doesn’t yet know (being so young, she needs to be shown/ taught) how to regulate the emotions of boredom and loneliness.

anita

Dear Zenith:

“I  did tell my husband while ago about taking my kid to a therapist. He brushed off saying that its normal for kids to act like this at this age“- see the quote in my previous post about ODD:

“It’s common for children… to be oppositional or defiant of authority once in a while… When this behavior lasts longer than six months and goes beyond what’s usual for your child’s age, it might suggest that they have ODD”- so, like your husband said, it’s normal (common), but once in a while, and to a certain/ lesser extent.

“She is very good at school with teachers and friends. Once she is back home she gets into the irritable mood“- this means that something about the home environment, as opposed to the school environment, is distressing for her.

“My kiddo is obsessed about T. We used to spend the weekends together when my neighbor was close to me“- maybe your kiddo doesn’t like spending time at home, so she wants to be in school instead, or at the neighbors’.. just not home..?

“Now the neighbor spends the weekend with her new set of friends. She replaced us so easily!!“- I understand your anger and frustration about it. Like I wrote before, I would probably feel the same. And, if I was you, I would try very hard to not show my anger and frustration in front of my kid, because a mother’s anger and frustration passes easily to her kid..!

anita

Dear llarryyllarryy:

“Try to get rid of people that judge you cause of your look. If you ever feel like you have nothing important to give for this world, think about it twice cause you might come up with great things after you had some development of your character“- not interacting with people who judge us negatively because of how we look, whenever and wherever possible, is a very good strategy. No one likes to be treated as less-than others.

Focusing on a person’s character and not on a person’s looks (height, weight, posture, facial features.. race, color, etc.) is what good people do.

anita

* Thank you, Peter!

anita

Dear birds of a feather:

“One good thing is we will finally catch up in person in a month (instead of two months). He said ok to my proposal of an earlier date, but proposed a 45-minute time window. I am not sure how to make sense of that. Last time when we caught up in person a month ago, we had chatted for over two hours“- it reads like you are chasing/ pursuing him for contact, and he is trying to give you a part of what you want (45 min, in this case), but not more than that (2 hours).

“Yes, we used to share a lot of our most private thoughts and feelings when we were still in the same social circle“- reads like you felt very comfortable sharing your most private thoughts and feelings with him. It may be that from one point on, it became uncomfortable (a burden) for him to listen to you/ read your texts, maybe to comfort/ counsel you..?

“I’ve told him recently that I’m not feeling well and may not reach out for a while. When I did finally feel better and send a message, he sent me a long text message and said he was so glad to hear that. But when I reached out again a couple days later, his responses became much more formal and distant. I am just not sure where I stand sometimes and I want to know“- if while not feeling well, you didn’t reach out to him for a long time (a week, or weeks perhaps), maybe he had enough time away from you to recover a genuine interest in you. But after his genuine, long text message, when you contacted him two days later, it was too soon for him, and he was back to formal.

“Most recently, I shared some work struggles with him, but got a long and formal response back which makes me feel that I am talking to a counselor instead of a friend“- when you say that you felt like you were talking to a counselor, do you mean that in his long and formal response, he counseled you, as in giving you advice in regard to your work struggles? Has he give you advice on personal matters as well, recently or in the past?

“I am just not sure how to respond back to his long and formal message? Is this his way of asking me to back off?“- my guess is that yes, he wants you to back off. If I was you, I would no longer initiate contact with him/ I will no longer chase him for contact.

I agree with what you wrote in your original post: “I have this feeling of him not wanting to invest time and energy into this relationship“- seems like you got something very valuable out of the friendship the way it was, more than he got, and that sometime along the way, what you want from him became a burden to him.

Reads like, I am sorry to say, that he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by overtly rejecting you, so he is.. covertly rejecting you.

I am wondering about something you wrote earlier: “I also feel guilty demanding his attention when he’s busy… Maybe I am too selfish and demanding too much of his attention“- what do you mean by demanding..? And by selfish..?

anita