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September 13, 2026 at 8:59 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460941
anitaParticipantNea, good reading from you this Sunday night 🙂
I’m glad to read that health wise things are better, and that after your husband mentioned the S word (“separate”), he clarified that he doesn’t want to separate.
I understand why he brought up this “solution”- he’s been under pressure to.. well, to give up his own dignity for “peace”, which in real terms means to assume the belly- up position to your father/ to submit to domination.
Your husband told you that he loves you so much.. Would you say that your father is not really about LOVE but about having POWER over people?
Anita
anitaParticipantHey SWolf:
I asked: “How does fear feel in your body?” You answered: “mainly tense muscles and sweating”-
That’s your brain running away from something, or toward something, running and sweating- before the body even moves.
The mind/ brain- it easily runs 100 km per hour while the body didn’t even move a centimeter.
Think of a 2-hour movie, 10 or 50, or a 100-years-action take place in 2 hours.
My healing has been about removing myself from the big-screen movie theater section of my mind (running 100 km an hour and getting nowhere fast), and placing myself in the real-life here-and-now, just this moment, this little moment, right now.
Trusting myself has been about trusting myself as a here-and-now human being, not a failed movie star who failed to move Fast and win Big.
You ended your last post with: “like chasing one after another improvement loop that’s never ending.”-
– “chasing” => muscles tense, sweating.
This brings to mind a tattoo I saw on a young woman’s arm recently (in the dog park I frequent), it says (I paraphrase, you can look it up, it’s something an Australian poet said):
‘What if I Fail?’ And the answer: ‘But my darling, what if you Fly?’
Thing is, it doesn’t have to be movie-like, huge Fail or Fly. It can be a bit of a fail, a bit of a fly- nothing to get tense about, nothing to be sweating about.
The humility of being a human being.
What says SWolf?
Anita
anitaParticipantSo glad to read back from you, SWolf 🙂
I’ll B back 2 U later.
Anita
anitaParticipantHey Confused 🙂
Yes, he’s 👴(but with long hair and lots of tattoos)
I hear you — going all‑in feels meaningful to you, and I’m not arguing with that. What I’m pointing to is something different: when “all‑in” turns into giving a relationship power over your motivation, your mood, and your direction.
Enjoying intensity is one thing; losing yourself inside it is another. (You said on Sept 5: “I was more active in my life and I was enjoying things more… I would get motivated… but everything lost its meaning.”)
You can still go all‑in without handing over the steering wheel of your life. That’s the part I’m talking about. 🙂
Anita
anitaParticipantHi Roberta, thank you for your kind message. I’m okay and taking a quiet break from posting. Wishing you well 🙂
anitaParticipantGood late Sunday morning, Girija 🙂
About the gaps you noticed in your new team- has your tendency been to see gaps/ imperfections as bigger than they truly are, as dangerous?
I’m asking because I want to make sure I understand.
If I do, it’s like living in an earthquake zone, fearing any tiny shake may mean a catastrophic earthquake.
When you wrote “anticipating non stop”, you mean anticipating disaster/ the next earthquake (or tsummnami), so to speak?
This tendency would be a direct result of growing up in an acutely unsafe home.
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is about challenging catastrophizing thoughts and bringing them down to earth, as in- not every problem is as big as it feels.
Correcting distorted/ catastrophizing thoughts => lessening the anxiety and alarm that naturally accompany such thoughts.
Did we talk before about CBT?
Looking forward to your thoughts, Amazing Girija 🙂
🌿 Anita
September 6, 2026 at 10:54 am in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460841anitaParticipantContinued:
Well, I don’t “know” that he didn’t mean “so small” as criticism. I assume he didn’t because of how ridiculous it would be if he did.
But him criticizing his grandaughter would be in line with him externalizing his feelings/ his discomfort-
Placing the responsibility for it in someone else’s hands, as in: I feel uncomfortable acknowledging her- not because I’m angry at her dad, or because I feel this or that-
But because SHE is too small.
I hope that the sleep deprivation lessens for you 🙏
Thank you for your kind acknoledgment at the beginning of your message. Next Sat music event is dependent on whether it rains or not. Yesterday afternoon there was thunder and rain!
Good to read from you again, Nea!
🌿 Anita
September 6, 2026 at 10:25 am in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460840anitaParticipantGood Sunday morning, Nea 😊
The smile emoji above, and the one on my face right now is about “But we are moving soon!!”!
“Lately, he also has barely acknowledged my baby at all, which I find really sad… he doesn’t really bother much with her. He has indirectly said things to my mom about it being because she is ‘so small,'”-
I know he didn’t mean it as criticism of your baby daughter being ‘too small’ for him to attend to.. but it may be his beginning criticism of her. I’ll write more in a moment.
Anita
anitaParticipantHey Girija:
No, I didn’t adopt another dog. I already have the one and am too old for another.
“It has long left their mouths and become my inner compass”- Wow, Girija, this is such an intelligent way to say it!
“Going forward I will do things for me. Write the document for myself. Code for myself. And that is the end state.”- this sounds just right. Again, a WOW on my part!
I want to reply further tomorrow, Sunday morning.
You’re amazing, Girija!
Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
It looks like you didn’t read my most recent post an hour and a half ago, about the conversation this evening with the Greek guy.
Yes, I understand: 99.44% long- distance can feel very meaningful.
Whatever it is, you gave her too much power over your mind and life. It’s like you sacrificed your own motivations.. for what?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantI have to tell you, Confused- I had a social outing this afternoon where the Greek guy I told you about was part of.
You asked me what part of Greece he’s from. Well, he was born in the U.S, so I asked him this evening (inspired by your question), what part of Greece his family is from.
I didn’t have a pen and paper to write down his answer, but he did say his mother was from Athens, his father from Sparta, and listed other places I can’t recall, mentioning Crete (and WW2) and Cyprus, so a whole conversation between 2-3 people was inspired by Confused’s question, ‘Where in Greece is he from’? 🙂
Anita
anitaParticipantHi Girija:
Early evening here, still light outside, rain and thunder a bit earlier, Fall is in.
Was looking forward to a social outing this afternoon, but it was a much smaller crowd because of the weather (unexpected- weather forecast said, “nice and sunny”..) 😔
But I am intent on looking at the positives rather than disappearing into the negatives. I got to see a few familiar faces that I missed, saw dogs presented for adoption (at least one found a new home).
This evening, I am dry, warm and comfortable 🙂
“My motto is, if it makes me anxious, it’s not worth it… I’m sure for myself, this is the best path”- 👍✔️👏.
“I’m anxious I won’t be able to prevent catastrophe”-
My goodness, I just remembered you sharing that.. what was it, you asked your mother, long ago, what would happen if (I don’t remember exactly, it was in regard to your father’s finances, and she said ‘we’ll just have to kill ourselves’
Was that where and when the fear of catastrophe was instilled in you?
I wish she never said that.
It reminds me of my mother instilling the fear of catastrophe in me, saying, repeatedly, that she will kill herself.. scared the hell out of me.
But she didn’t. She said she will, for the first time, when she was 25.. She’s now 85, and never did the deed.. and I spent my life afraid that she will, or that some unidentified catastrophe is imminent.
Wow, this message is heavier than I expected to write.
What do you think, does this connect/ resonate?
Anita
anitaParticipantHi Girija: I’ll read and reply tonight.
anitaParticipantGood Saturday morning, Girija 🙂
When I read this part: “My mother’s PET CT is done. Got the report today. All good. My chest loosened up if that makes sense.”- I noticed a smile on my face (my first smile of the day).
About your grandmother: “Always enthusiastic to cook and participate in rituals”- I imagine her son, daughters and grandchildren dedicating a yearly ritual or two to her, including trying to match her cooking for the ritual (and failing, of course 🙂)
Congratulations, for joining the new team 🌿✨A new page and lack of noise in your head- precious!
“But something strange happened. I thought to myself I prefer the bad outcome over the torture of fighting my own mind over the fear of the bad outcome. I don’t care anymore. Maybe I am incompetent. Let them fire me… I don’t want to. It’s just software.”-
Reading this just now truly makes a good start for my day, it’s inspiring 🥂💫
This new attitude is a process, of course- not something that anyone can execute smoothly and perfectly every day and forevermore- but promising and inspiring nonetheless 🥂💫
Anita
anitaParticipantContinued: 0.55%
But emotionally, for you, she meant between 100% (laughing, teasing, and having so much fun during hundreds of hours of video calls) and 0% (shutdowns in-between video calls).
“I wasn’t like this before”- in very simple language, if you can, making it real easy for me to understand: how were you before vs now?
🤔 Anita
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