Dear antarkala:

This morning, I will be re-reading all your posts and commenting as I go along, keeping in mind what you shared later, as I comment on what you shared earlier:

“I am a 25-year-old in a serious relationship for around 1 and a half years. My boyfriend is a year older than me and we have been friends for 3 years before we got into the relationship. Both of us moved abroad for our Master’s and decided to take our friendship to the next level since we had similar life goals, values, and interests“- reads like an intelligent, mature attitude and practice on your part: getting into a relationship with a man you’ve known for three years as friends, finding out his goals, values and interests, and seeing that there is a match in these.

There is love and he is independent, kind, career-driven, supportive, puts in the effort, and he is a wonderful person: “We love each other very much and are independent, kind, career-driven… he is not stopping me from being myself and he in fact supports me..  He puts in that effort and tries to talk to all of my friends… he has a wonderful personality…  he is a wonderful person all in all“.

“Coming to the issue, though we have been in a relationship for more than a year, I always felt something was missing since the beginning“- to thoroughly understand what is missing in the relationship, you have to first understand what is missing within you.. something missing that you brought into the relationship. Understanding the latter, will give you an accurate understanding of the former.

It will not be easy to explore that which is missing-within because strong emotions are involved. If you see the need for such exploration and are willing to do so, to some extent, here on your thread, please do and read what’s next in my post:

“I have always been a misfit. Cannot point out one reason but I have had my share of experiences in life – I experienced sexual assault as a kid through years which I think wired me differently, my younger brother was a pampered kid majorly because he is a boy and I am a girl, I don’t think I got enough validation from my dad… My mom says I am too sensitive and hints that maybe I am overreacting – sometimes I wonder if I am just too weak and use my trauma as an excuse... my mom was anxious and worried quite often… I remember my mom telling me many times that she lived in fear, and never had the courage to speak up and voice her concerns or opinions out… if my mom spoke out in a social situation, my dad always used to criticize her after coming back home… whatever my mom says, my dad will criticize her… Imagine my mom living with that for 26 years!“-

– I selectively boldfaced the above because I will be asking you questions, in this post, only about the boldfaced, as part of the exploration I mentioned above. Of course, you don’t have to answer any of my questions, and those you choose to answer, you are welcome to answer only to the extent you are comfortable with. (I will not be asking you questions that in my mind are too distressing to answer):

1) How long did the sexual assault period last, and how long after the beginning of the assault, did your parents become aware of it? How did they respond?

2) Did your mother (or your father) minimize the assault, saying that you were over-sensitive to it, that you emotionally over-reacted, that you used it as an excuse?

3) You lived at home, with your mother, for 24 out of the 26 years of her marriage to a man who discouraged her from speaking up, from talking about her feelings, her opinions, etc. Did she turn to you as the person with whom she expressed herself, giving you the role of a friend and confidant?

4) How were you a misfit at home, growing up?

anita

Dear  antarkala:

It occurred to me, this one point, so i thought I’d let you know what it is before replying at more length tomorrow:

“he will never be satisfied.. Whatever I did or spoke – my dad would tell me I did something wrong”- this means that he is not likely to approve of your choice of a husband, whomever the man, and if you wait for his approval.. well, it is not a good idea to expect his approval, to wait for it.

anita

Dear antarkala:

You are welcome. “When I feel jealous, I tell myself I don’t deserve to be a friend. How do I approach this?“- (1) tell yourself the truth: that what we people feel is not our choice; it is only our vocalized words and actions taken that are subject to our choosing.

No choice (such as in feeling jealous)= no personal responsibility (no valid guilt).

(2) apply an empathetic attitude toward yourself. Imagine a little child who was jealous of other children, would you frown at the child and berate him/ her for feeling jealous, or would you gently ask the child what is bothering her, what’s behind the jealousy?  If you uncover what’s underneath your jealousy, you’ll find some old hurt: it’d be easier for you to feel empathy for yourself for hurting (underneath the jealousy) than for the jealousy itself.

“I want to understand where my social anxiety is coming from and how to overcome it“- the first society in a person’s life is the family one is born into. If a child was anxious in the context of that first, mini society, the child is likely to grow up to be anxious in the bigger society. For example, a child may have gentle, fair and loving parents, but if the parents are often anxious, worried about things, and the child notices it..  their anxiety naturally passes on to the child.

“I understand how what my mom told me influenced me… She told me, I just moved to a new country and I am taking this – decision in a mentally weak state, out of loneliness in the new country“- your mother had a good point there, a valid concern. From what you shared about your boyfriend though, he reads like a gentle.. non-dangerous guy at all, so you were not in danger with him.

“No, my parents do not present themselves as perfect“- good job on their part!

“I believe a marriage is not just about wife and husband but also about both families. I also keep thinking, if I marry my boyfriend, how compatible are our families? My parents are getting older as well and they need company, we don’t have close ties with relatives and I want the family I marry into to bond well with mine. – Is it too much to ask?“- no, it’s not too much to ask, and it’s in your rights to ask for this. Therefore, before you consider marrying a man, get to know his feelings about both families being part of the marriage, and if the two of you have a meeting of the minds, get the families together so that everyone can get to know each other.

Till next time we talk, take good care of yourself!

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You are very welcome!

My sentence (“But these feelings were not as strong throughout the 3 months..”) explained: feelings don’t stay the same, they change every day, so, let’s say you catch her at 12 pm, she’s busy, otherwise occupied, and she sounds like she doesn’t have any feelings for you; you catch her at 6 pm, she is not busy, had a hot shower, listening to romantic music ..and she thinks of you romantically. Feelings change over the course of weeks and months as well.

“I need to first clear in mind if I want her as a friend right now given the long distance or ask her if we can reconnect romantically. Whenever I have the answer clear. Ill surely text her“- good plan!

“I agree with this approach and at this point I got nothing to lose but I don’t want to come off as desperate, so I am just trying to frame the right message which conveys what I feel in my mind and heart. Not good at writing or expressing my feelings, lol“- you can put together a first draft for a message, here on your thread, and I’ll be glad to give you editing suggestions.

anita

Dear Paradoxy:

You are welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation for my advice. Wow, what can I add to Tee’s brilliant analysis submitted about 6 hours ago, written so well. I am in awe!

You wrote in your most recent post: “They never let me have a childhood, always forcing me to ‘act like an adult’.. I am back to my hollow self, desperately trying to glue the broken pieces of my empty shell… I have just accepted death“-

– it is very clear to me that what makes your self hollow and empty (“hollow self”, “empty shell”, your words right above), is the absence of Godwin the child. Your parents forced you to act like an adult, they never let you have a childhood (your words right above).

What are the words a young child often says as he/ she just starts to talk: I want this, I want that.. But Godwin the child was not allowed to want this, or that.

On March 23, you wrote in regard to your parents: “Always discouraging me from what I wanted to do. Even this med career was their fault. I never wanted this“- Godwin-the child not allowed to do what he wanted to do, not then, not now.

On March 24, you wrote this about your parents: “they always forced their way on me“- If your parents always forced their way on you, it means that Godwin the boy never got his way. I want this, I want that was met with, no, no, no, we want, and only what we want matters!

The same day, you wrote about your father: “He always wanted me to think like older people despite being still a child, and that made me never get any chance to enjoy my childhood“.

Children need to be taught to become responsible adults over time, gradually, but seems like your parents took a short cut and wanted you to be an adult immediately, instantly, way too early.

What you need then is the resurrection of Godwin-the-child, to fill your life with what Godwin wants.. not irresponsibly, but still: what you want needs to matter in your own life, it is your life (or should be), not your parents’.

Paradoxy, often enough you let me know that I misunderstand you, that I misunderstood your words. Sometimes it is true, but at other times, you don’t like my correct understanding, so you retroactively change what you said, giving what you said before a new context, new qualifications.. so to reject my understanding. Please don’t do this in regard to this post.

anita