Dear Lavern:

“Does that mean he was being dishonest and playing games..“- from all that you shared, reads to me that he is mentally/emotionally unwell, not that he is well and is cold-heartedly playing games with you.

“I’m soo confused and heartbroken. It is extremely difficult moving on.. especially living in close proximity  to one another.“- the behaviors of people who are mentally ill are indeed confusing.. until you understand what ails them.. what ails us (mental illness is so very common, unfortunately).

Do the best you can to take care of yourself. Seems like he is not good for your mental health, You need someone who is consistent, reliable, dependable, and he is not it.

Please post again any time with your thoughts and feelings and I will reply.

anita

Dear Arctic07:

Thank you for your appreciation, it was a pleasure reading it!

“So yes, I followed your imagery and I found that he was no extraordinary individual, he was not any wonderful man. But I don’t understand why cant I shove him out of my head altogether“- because, like the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants. It won’t listen to reason.

“what I cannot wrap my head around, the fact that it seems like he got so tired of me that he just literally threw me out of his life, how did I become so easily disposable for any individual?“- think of it this way, if you will: if he didn’t throw you out of his life, his mother would have thrown him out of her life in some significant way. I figure that in his mind, society (his religion-society) would throw him out.. and he’d be all alone. Well, he’d have you in his life, but his mother and religion-society are significantly more important to him. To his defense, he was raised this way.

“how could somebody treat me so lowly and worse, how can I still harbor this lingering feeling in my mind about having him back“- .. again, the heart wants what the heart wants. Be patient with your heart: it doesn’t understand the language you use for thinking. It speaks a different (non-verbal) language.

“I am scared that what if the next person I fall in love with uses me in the same way or worse mistreats me more than this guy?“- learn all that you can learn from this experience so that it doesn’t repeat itself, as in history-on-repeat. By learning, I mean rational learning and heart-learning, getting to understand your heart more and more.

“Even today, it’s like I keep thinking about this person the entire day, I just cannot get him out of my head… I again said to him that we were not so weak, why cannot you fight for me? Don’t you love me etc. etc. . And his reply is the same that I cannot make my mother live in disgrace for the rest of her life“- he gave you his honest answer. And as I said before, his mother is way more important to him than you are. It’s not that he doesn’t, or didn’t love you, it’s that he loves his mother more. Never underestimate (again) the love and loyalty of a man- in a society as traditional as in India- to his mother.

“I have not hurt anyone, mistreat anyone, never cheated anyone, then why after doing everything good, why I have to go through this. What have I done to deserve this?“- life is not fair, Arctic07. It hasn’t been fair from the beginning of times. Sometimes fairness/ justice takes place, and we, as individuals can do our best to promote justice, but to expect fairness and justice in our world is sadly unrealistic.

“I am a very simple person when it comes to desires.. I never demanded any gifts from him, never demanded to go to expensive restaurants on  dates“- I share your attitude, having simple desires, not being materialistic.

“One day after the breakup he said to me that you were like my mother, you did everything for me… When I was living in with him some time ago, I did all the household chores, cooked meals for him and cared for him like anything like he was the center of the universe“- sadly for you, he already has a mother and she.. placed herself in the center of his universe: he’ll marry who she wants him to marry.

“He said that he was also hurting and that he also suffered but I don’t believe so“- from what you shared, seems to me that he did suffer.

“In some days, my job will start… Right now I am at my home and I have so many people around me to love me but what will happen when I will be all alone out there“- I intend to be here for you when your job starts, so you won’t be as alone… if it helps you.

“I am sick of being depressed about this… I want to be at peace with my life . I want to move on in life. I want to focus on other things in life that give me happiness. But I just can’t. Please help“- be patient with your heart. It doesn’t speak the language of reason. It is hurting and it wants your attention, to make it feel better. Think of your heart as a baby that needs a good mother to take care of it, to talk to it with a gentle voice, to soothe it.

anita

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

You are welcome, good to read from you again!

“I think the problem is that I can’t complain, can’t argue with friends for fear of losing them.. but will anyway. If you can’t be honest with each other then where is the reality“- I agree with you: it is very important to be honest in the context of personal relationships (and otherwise). Holding in complaints and disagreements is distressing and exhausting. I understand your fear to lose friends if you honestly express what may not be pleasant for them to hear.

“I have deep-seated fear of rejection and yet get constantly rejected. I fear confrontation…I have the ability to stand out, I have a presence, but I fight it because apparently from my youth, I was taught not to be too big in order to have support“-

– There is a middle way between being too big and too small,  as in being either too loud and too quiet; a middle way between expressing oneself aggressively and not expressing oneself at all (being passive). The middle way is expressing yourself assertively. Learning and mastering the skill and art of assertiveness will get you the best results when dealing with most people.

anita

Dear Danny:

“I could (should) be doing more with my time. I can often be lethargic the day after a few beers… I’ve always been extremely hard and critical of myself“- how does being extremely hard and critical of yourself affect your use of your time: does it make you energetic or lethargic, motivated or depressed, productive or wasteful of your time and resources?

“I’m not sure if drinking is a mistake, or is it more a choice. If it is a choice, and not a mistake, do I need to be hard on myself?“- some people consider drinking any amount of alcohol at any time to be a mistake; others consider drinking in moderation not a mistake, but a positive thing; almost everyone (while sober) considers drinking and driving a mistake.

Here is a question for you: can you make a choice to learn from your experience, improve your functionality and productivity, and at the same time, not be hard on yourself?

anita

Dear Usyyy:

You shared that she was your first love when you were in your early 20s (now you are both in your mid-thirties, I figure). Following the breakup of the 3-year relationship ten years ago, she had a relationship with another guy for a few years, a relationship that ended 7 years ago, with him cheating on her. About 2 years later (early 2019), she got engaged, later, married the guy, and divorced him in early 2022, after he cheated on her and abused her in some other way or ways.

“As for me I have been single for a few years now, I have been evolving in my career and proud of how far I’ve come and have recently started a new chapter in my career… I noticed that she had cut off a lot of people from her social media… Last week I posted a quote that said ‘be the reason for someone’s pain to turn into a smile’, she liked that quote too. I’m tempted to send her a message… I want to tread very carefully with her as I don’t really know where her mind is given what she’s been through“-

– the quote you sent her, “be the reason for someone’s pain to turn into a smile”. A twist to this quote: don’t be the reason for someone’s smile to turn into pain. You are doing well, career wise, a new chapter, that’s a smile on your face. A relationship with a troubled woman can hurt your career, taking away your energy, and your feeling of having control over your life.

If she wasn’t troubled in her early 20s when you knew her, she is likely troubled now, after 2 failed relationships that included cheating and abuse. Not that she doesn’t deserve a new beginning, and healing, but you need to be careful, and indeed, like you stated, “tread very carefully“.

My advice: If you choose to contact her and the two of you begin a relationship of some kind, friendship or more, get to know her well, as she is now. And let this principle guide you: a healthy relationship is a Win- Win project, a Win for you, a Win for her. You are welcome to post again for more of my input, and hopefully for other members’ input as well.

anita

Edit:  my answer: depends if you feel anxious/ distressed or calm at the moment you consider drinking followed by drinking (and being aware that you decided earlier not to drink). If you feel calm, it’s a choice; if you feel anxious, it’s an impulse, an act of desperate need to be calm.

Dear Arctic07:

You shared that you are good in literature, well: it shows in your writing. I read with much interest, and wanted to read more and more, wanting to know what’s next. You write so well, like a good romance novelist, I imagine. (I imagine because I don’t remember ever reading a romance novel).  And your writing is honest, intelligent and believable.. not flowery and or unintelligent.

At the end of your story/ original post, you wrote: “I know that my story screams upon itself that I should have left him long ago but here I am hellbent on self destruction through love“-

– what interesting, original combinations of words (in my experience): “my story screams upon itself“, “self destruction through love“, I am positively impressed!

Now, what does a young woman as intelligent, original and talented as you, and one who values marriage, doing begging a guy for anything, let alone for a situationship, as you have done… (I ask myself).

The answer may be in the only part of your story that you placed in parenthesis:  “(I had some issues in my family like I had childhood trauma of an unhappy home because of fights quarrels amongst family members to an extent that to me there was nothing known as a happy home )“.

Perhaps within your quarrelsome family, you placed yourself in parenthesis, figuratively, taking on the role of someone less important, someone who is quiet, obedient, pleasing, assisting and accommodating to others, while your quarrelsome family members were loud, rebellious, forceful.

Maybe this habit carried on to your first romantic relationship (I am adding the boldface feature to the following quote): “I…  obey him practically worship him like he is some sort of god… I put him on the highest pedestal I could find… I cared for him more than I ever cared for me. In my mind I was his dutiful wife who was meant to please him , assist him in whatever he wanted”.

I hope to read your thoughts about what I posted here, and would very much like to communicate with you. Maybe, just maybe, our communication can help you, so that you can “Move on“.

anita