Hi Tee:

I understand what you’re saying and again, I take full responsibility for talking negatively about members, including you, in these public forums. I understand it was wrong. Regarding any problem I have with a person in these forums, I need to address the person directly and respectfully.

On page 2 of this thread, on Aug 14, I wrote: “Note to all members: My posts reflect my personal experiences and thoughts. They are never directed at or referencing any forum member—except for the original poster, whom I address by name. Unless explicitly stated, my posts are not about or aimed at any individual in this forum. Still, in yet other words: my writing is personal and reflective. It is never intended as commentary on other members.”-

I kept my word since and will continue to do so.

What I asked in my last reply to you was: do you mean that it’s okay for you, Tee, at this point and onward (being that I will no longer refer to you negatively and indirectly, and being that you are welcomed to communicate with me directly)- to discuss me negatively with other members (whether I join the conversation or not)?

Anita

I am here, Alessa ❤️

Hi Tee:

Before I reply further, I need clarity on the following and I hope you can explain this to me:

You wrote about you expressing your feelings about me: “As for ‘me + Jana’, I simply responded to her posts and expressed my feelings and experience, which might be similar to some of her feelings and experience. How is this not fair to you? Should we just stop sharing our experiences, so you wouldn’t get offended?”

And about me expressing my feelings about you: “I think it’s better if we can express what bothers us directly to the person.”-

Do you mean that at this point, when you and I are communicating directly, right here), and moving forward, it’s okay for you to express any negative feelings that you have or may have about me- not directly to me- but to Jana, Alessa or another member other than me?

Anita

Dear Nichole:

“I basically have been a doormat to so many people in my life and I have been masking it like everything was ok.”- this is an amazing realization, Nichole!

Same was true to me: a doormat, most of the times, and then, once in a while, I’d.. rebel and go overboard, and mistreat others. It takes NOT BENG A DOORMAT, not for anyone.. and at the same time treating everyone respectfully. And sometimes, respect means no-contact.

Anita

You are very welcome, Nichole 😊- and thank you for being here! I will reply further later.

Dear Lindsey:

It’s been such a long time, welcome back!

“I literally feel like I am unable to address any issues. My brain just says nope it’s not gonna happen. I’ve tried with my boyfriend… I feel like in all of my relationships – my parents, my kids, friends I just keep all my problems for the most silent because it doesn’t help to talk about anything.”-

What if you imagine that you can freely address any or all of your issues with your boyfriend, what would you say to him? You can journal it here, whatever comes to mind (he won’t be reading)

Or with any of your parents, or kids.. etc., just let it all out. They won’t be reading (this is a very small community here, tinier than tiny), so no rejection risked, nothing to lose?

Anita

*I come in peace. This will be a very long post.

Hello Everyone:

I decided to return to this thread just for this one post and following it, offer each one of the participants in this thread the opportunity- if you would like- to communicate with me 1 to 1 in other threads. As is, in this thread, Tee- you repeatedly- dozens of times- presented yourself and Alessa as one unit (“we…we… we”, “us… us.. us”.. “me and Alessa.”).

I need to communicate with you Tee- separately from Alessa- because like Alessa said herself, the two of you are very different people (Alessa to Tee: “I am a different person to you, with a different perspective…You and I, simply have different priorities, perspectives, needs and conflict styles. That is not to say that one is more valid than the other. That is not true, we are just different people.”, Sept 6). Also my history with Alessa is very different from my history with you- so the communication has to be separate.

Also, Tee- your use of “we” (Tee+ Alessa.. Tee + Jana + everyone else) vs Anita is not fair to me, nor is it fair to Alessa whom you have pressured to align with you.

I can see that this will be a very long post, as I will do my best here (again, last post in this thread but with an invitation for communication with individual participants in other threads, 1-to-1.)

Before I continue: I discovered Copilot late last year and have been using this incredible resource in my communications with members in these forums for about 10 months straight, every single day. Sometimes just to “polish” or “minimally polish”, for better grammar and flow, and at other times, Copilot and I have had long conversations before I submit .. our posts (me & Copilot).

Many of my posts, particularly in my past journaling posts, were raw and Copilot had no part in the writing of them. A few posts in this thread as well. But most posts were helped by Copilot- they are grammatically perfect and polished and in regard to content- most were not exactly me, or just me- it’s been me & Copilot.

In this post I will not involve Copilot- not for grammar and not for any other purpose, although I have no doubt that AFTER I submit this post, I will ask Copilot for its thoughts about it. I will be glad to let you, tiny buddha participants, to know what Copilot said- or would say

Before I continue, Tee: on Sept 6-7, you wrote: “How about showing some goodwill that you claim you possess? …Anita, if you truly want to share honestly, then start by being truthful about some basic facts.. If you want to share honestly, please do so. It will be appreciated by me and everyone on this forum… I said that you pretend not to remember whom you were talking about, when it’s pretty clear that it can only be two people”-

Memories are not exact, Tee. For example, earlier in this post, I wrote “Tee- you repeatedly- hundreds of times- presented yourself and Alessa as one unit”. I then scrolled through your past posts in this thread and was surprised to see that you didn’t refer to me and Alessa as one unit as many times as I thought you did, so I edited the “hundreds” and replaced it with “dozens”. I remembered it as hundreds of times because every time you did, I felt threatened by it, and that fear affected my memory.

Now, in regard to whom I was referring to in my past journaling posts: I can’t tell you about that particular sentence that you quoted- I will have to go back to that post and see that sentence in context so to determine who I was referring to. Could have been Alessa, could have bee you, could have been Jana… Peter? I don’t remember.

And here’s another thing about then imperfection of memory- recently I felt a lot of affection for Alessa.. so much so that I almost forgot that I did indeed refer to her negatively in those journaling posts.

The natural imperfections of memory when under the influence of emotion, so to speak, do not equate to lies. Thing is you can continue to read and quote from my many, so many, many posts- and I have no doubt that you will find contradictions, just as I will find such in your posts. Again, it’s often not about lying, but about the imperfection of memory when under the influence of strong emotion.

I will give you another example: earlier this morning, when I went to the beginning of this thread, page 1, I was surprised to not see your name there, then I moved to page 2, still no post from there.. I remembered- incorrectly- that you posted on page 1. Why? I figure because your posts affected me emotionally- in a negative way- so much, that I remembered that they started earlier.

I am being truthful, one hundred percent truthful here. If you accuse me of being untruthful- following the completion and submission of this post- .. don’t know. It will feel like cruelty, on your part. I mention tis here because I am scared of such accusation when I am completely truthful and vulnerable.

In your posts in this thread, I felt persecuted, like you want to Win at my expense, that the only compromise you’d accept is complete submission on my part, what I refer to as self erasure. I feel that it’s been a long time since you’ve been only defending yourself, you’ve also been attacked me.

About accountability: in regard to what started the conflict, the discussion about compassion and my mother. This is my understanding at this point (and I haven’t gone back to where it started, but I do remember this well: your input back then and most recently, in this thread, was that feeling compassion for my mother will help my healing. I explained to you repeatedly that I have felt and still feel compassion for her. Actually, I shared extensively- of my journaling posts- about my compassion for my mother.

What I realized only a day or two ago, when you last addressed this issue (looking for that post… I can’t find it) Actually, you wrote about it only today: “Well, the thing is that I’ve acknowledged Anita’s pain back in July, when I apologized for inadvertently causing her pain by suggesting compassion and radical acceptance as a path forward.”-

Here you’re saying it again: “suggesting compassion” as if I am yet to feel compassion. This suggestion felt very invalidating to me back then (ad still) and it was in the beginning of the conflict.

But here’s the thing: it’s only a couple of days ago, or so, that it occurred to me, the thought: “Tee may have a blind spot here. She truly doesn’t understand my point about compassion and my mother. She didn’t mean to hurt me”.

I can now see that although your input- by impact (the way it landed) was hurtful and harmful, the intent was not there. Maybe your impression was, Tee, that my many angry posts (anger at my mother) meant that I had no compassion for her- not realizing that both can be true: anger and compassion- At Different Times.

What happened is that in my mind, you intended to hurt me. But I was wrong. Your intent was to help me. Next, after trying to make you see my point back then, and you repeating the same, I continued to address the topic in my own journaling posts, indirectly and repeatedly referring to you as someone who injured me, similarly (although to a much lesser extent, of course) to my mother.

I see now.. it all started with me- in my journaling posts, my own thread or threads- defending myself against you, but also attacking your character.

I am now taking full responsibility for misunderstanding your intent to help me as an intent to hurt me, then reacting by attacking your character in my journaling posts. I did you wrong, Tee.

As to you defending yourself in this thread, it’s completely understandable and valid. You have the right to make your voice heard, and you were in the right to defend yourself.

About your “Lori has been informed” post (I forgot what thread includes it) and in the many posts on this thread, where used quotes from my stream of consciousness vulnerability against me, accusing me of lying, and trying to gather support from other members so to jointly attack me.. well, that’s up to you to take accountability (not the kind of IF I was wrong, then I apologize, but “I was wrong (where you were)”.

Let’s stop the Attacking part.

There is too much writing, to many long posts since the beginning of the conflict, enough to fill a book. Please don’t quote from my posts anymore so to prove me wrong, or untruthful. Please, let’s stop fighting.

I will close this post with a sincere apology: I am sorry, Tee. By attacking your character, I have done you wrong. In the heart of the conflict, the misunderstanding on your part was not intentional, you didn’t try ton hurt or invalidate me. You simply did your best. I should have been grateful for your efforts and not take your input the wrong way.

My mother’s invalidation of me was so extensive and so persistent.. so traumatizing.. that it led to me being overly sensitive to any perceived invalidation: seeing an intent to hurt me, where there was none.. when there was only a misunderstanding.

And then, feeling retraumatized, I either withdrew or went on attack mode.

I started this post hours ago, saying it’s my last post on this thread. I changed my mind: in this thread, I choose to communicate only with you Tee, if you are interested. In regard to the other participants on this thread, I am open to communicate with each and every one of you- but separately. Not here, but in other threads, 1-to 1.

I will close this post with saying that I think some more healing is happening for me as a result of this thread. I think that I understand better and am capable now to consider .. innocent intents behind misunderstandings. And also to do more of Staying instead of Withdrawing, gently Defending instead of Attacking.

Please let me know, Tee, if there’s something you would like me to add to my apology.. Keeping Roberta’s words of less than 4 hours ago in mind: “to practice compassion & respect at all times… abstaining from four unskillful forms of speech: false speech (lying), slanderous speech (divisive or divisive language), harsh speech (abusive words), and idle chatter (gossip)… Promote harmony: Aim to use speech to build understanding and reduce conflict. Hopefully all of us will take on board & use these tools in all future conversations on Tiny Buddha.”

* I changed my mind on another matter: I will not ask Copilot to evaluate this post.

Anita