Dear beni:

I appreciate the humor in your inappropriate reporting comment 🙂

At the end of your previous post, you asked me: “What do you think of that? Have you been through something similar?”

I can relate to the struggles you face, particularly to your very difficult relationship with your mother and the consequences of that relationship on you.

This is what you shared about your mother and the relationship with her (June 2023-July 2024): “I still do not trust her (do not open up) and make sure to keep her on distance… Yes, the word martyr fits in well… I belief she couldn’t give me space, maybe I was part of meeting her needs. Like when you ask ‘how are you’ but actually you create space to tell how you feel…my mom started crying and she was like that’s not fair and so and so…I told her then: ‘I don’t want to answer to you if you look at me like this’…I do not have space for her pain in these situations because of my own pain…I couldn’t set boundaries as a child there was no space for it…she would say I need to do something right now! And I couldn’t do it. I’d just sat and looked at her. I… needed to… understand why it was so important and needed to be done right now… I can’t take it if it’s being pushed around… I talk about a situation where I showed myself vulnerable last year… and instead of being listened to, she started with her pain cause there was a space for it… It would accumulate and then at one point cause she needed support she’d lose it in a sense that she is crying and overwhelmed…. probably her need got very urgent she could breakdown or get bossy… my mother would struggle to stand up for herself… she would be emotional, and it would not make sense in a logic way…. For sure she did abuse her powers. I can just hardly remember. I think/feel it’s something like my space. She was too close. There was not enough space for me…. I don’t think she could care much about my emotional needs…. My mom would always want to know how our day was or his day at work and we did not really wanna answer. It didn’t feel right. It was/is often a too open a question and doesn’t feel safe to reply. It’s in… When you don’t listen but project yourself on the reply, it can be painful to the replier…. By not expressing myself I protect my Mom from worrying or meet her need for control. If she makes a request and I’m not sure that it’s selfless I can’t do it. I think I can’t visit her for a while now…If I give her affection in a way I enable something I do not want to enable. I need affection from her first. It gives her allowance to be weak, but I need a strong mother. I need an anchor…. I would agree to her only being able to accept me if I meet her need. Yes, I draw a line. My body draws a line. Yes, it’s very essential, it is to maintain my Identity and my will… She gets a fierce look. As if she’s made responsible for something which is my fault…I think she believes it’s my duty as her child to support her…I think I want her to really see me and see me equal. I have the same right to choose the task as she does. It’s not really about the task it’s about control and me making a statement that I do not wish to be controlled. I want to be asked what I would like to do and what is needed. I want my support to be valued and not taken for granted…I’ve been thinking that I am dependent on her (subconscious). Cause I noticed that the things which stress her out like go traveling, working a regular job, not misusing drugs, having a girlfriend are things I struggle(d) creating for myself. It sometimes feels like that I am my mom, and myself is this thing I can’t control. And all I wish is that I would not need to care about myself. It would just do what it is supposed to do.”

I can relate, beni, to not trusting your mother, to experiencing a significant level of emotional disconnect from her, to having a need to protect yourself from her, to having a mother with a Martyr Complex, where she fulfills some of her emotional needs through her interactions with her son (or daughter), making it very difficult for the son (or daughter) to express- let alone assert- your own needs and feelings, as her needs took precedence.

I can relate to having a mother with a strong need to control and dominate. I relate to having an emotionally volatile mother, which makes it very difficult to establish a sense of personal space, and which made it very difficult for me to share anything with her for fear of an overwhelming emotional over-response.

I can relate to having a conditional and unbalanced relationship with one’s mother (as a child and as an adult), and how damaging it is. I very much relate to feeling conflicted, desiring to separate my identity from hers but struggling to do so.

I relate to the experience of (emotional) parentification, where the son or daughter takes on a caregiver role for one’s mother, fulfilling her emotional needs instead of receiving appropriate support and care from her. And I can relate to codependency, where your sense of self-worth and identity are entangled with your mother’s needs and behaviors. This dynamic made it very, very challenging for me, as an adult, let alone as a child, to assert independence and establish healthy boundaries (well, I didn’t for decades).

I relate to Emotional Enmeshment where the emotional states and needs of one person (the mother) overly influence and dominate the other person’s (the son’s, or daughter’s) emotional well-being.

I relate to the fear of abandonment, and to insecure attachment patterns where safety and security in relationships are compromised by inconsistent and intrusive behaviors on the part of the mother.

If you would like, we can further discuss the above. Overall, beni, I appreciate your openness and honesty about the struggles and victories in your journey. It’s evident that you’re growing and finding new ways to cope and thrive. Keep embracing those small steps forward. Stay strong and keep nurturing that beautiful relationship with yourself.

anita

Dear Robi:

Dear CKS: sorry for repeating this part: “However, if the behavior continues despite your request, or if it escalates, consider reporting it to a trusted adult or school authority for further support”, still it’s a good point (if I make it just one time). I hope to read back from you.

anita

Dear CKS:

I understand your frustration and the need to address this situation. Here are a few suggestions for responding in a way that is assertive, yet respectful:

Hi CC,

I hope you’re doing well. I wanted to talk about something that happened on the bus today. When you and your friends were repeatedly saying my full name, it felt a bit uncomfortable for me. I’m sure you didn’t mean any harm, but I’d appreciate it if we could avoid that in the future.

Thanks for understanding.

Best regards, [Your Name]

Keeping the message calm and respectful helps prevent escalation and opens the door for a constructive dialogue. Clearly stating how the behavior made you feel and asking for it to stop is important.  Acknowledging that the behavior might not have been intended to harm can help de-escalate any potential defensiveness.

* If the behavior continues despite your request, or if it escalates, consider reporting it to a trusted adult or school authority for further support.

Sending a respectful and clear message can often resolve issues like this. However, if the behavior continues despite your request, or if it escalates, consider reporting it to a trusted adult or school authority for further support.

Feel free to adjust the message as you see fit, and remember, you have every right to feel safe and respected at school. 😊

anita

Dear Robi: You are very welcome! I will reply further later.

Dear beni:

I am sorry for the crowded format of my previous post. I will share about my Fused Identity Enmeshment Story in the simplest way possible:

Like any and every baby and young child, I too was enmeshed with my mother (primary caretaker). My identity and her identity were one (in my baby’s/ young child’s not yet done-developing brain). A separate identity on my part was supposed to develop with time and space.

My mother regularly and frequently  expressed a lot of intense emotions to me (and to others, in my presence): intense hurt, shame, RAGE, suicide ideation, suicide and homicidal threats, all in very emotional, often loud voice, very emotional facial expressions,  with dramatic physical gestures, lots of crying. Her undisciplined, over-emotionality dominated all of the space in my mind and heart.

It was almost entirely just me and her living in  tiny apartment for the first 6 years of my life, before my sister was born. (My father was largely absent). And I spent all of my time outside of school, from 6 years-old and onward, inside the apartment. So, there were no significant social influences in my life growing up to counteract, or balance my mother’s influence on me.

For a child’s separate identity to emerge and develop, there must be space for it. My mother didn’t allow any space for me. So, no separate identity for me: I didn’t know what I felt or what I was supposed to feel. I remember watching a movie with her in the small bedroom: I watched her face looking for her emotions to register on her face, so to have a clue as to what I was supposed to feel. I was indecisive about everything, couldn’t figure ot my wants and preferences. I lived most of my adult life like a ship lost at sea, letting outside forces (the wind above, the water currents below) decide for me where I go and what I do.

The way a child knows what the mother feels is through empathy. Because she expressed so much emotional pain, my healthy empathy quickly turned into a source of great pain. It was no longer something healthy: it was an emotional burden that caried on to my experiences with other people. To care for others meant to be in pain. This empathy-gone-wrong has been a great hindrance in my prospects of connecting with others for help and support.

Things are changing for the better as a result of my emotional healing journey. I will be glad to share more with you if you relate to what I shared so far, and if you are interested in further Commnication with me.

anita

Dear beni: I will reply to you Mon morning (it’s Sun eve here)

anita