Dear Emma:

Your last words to me, 7 days ago: “And I am so touched, that you keep on helping me too! I know I’ve been a bit absent lately.”-

I don’t think I’ve been helping you, Emma. I wish I did. Not your fault.

There were times no one was able to help me. My thoughts were louder than anyone’s words. My shame was too loud, my guilt like an ongoing earthquake in my psyche. The self-doubt.. excruciating. The regret.. unforgiving.

I don’t want to lose connection with you, Emma.

Groetjes, 🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Milda:

First thing, it is your choice whether you take a break from your mother or not. Absolutely your choice.

Second, I so relate to your story! For me, “mother=guilt” can easily be the title of my story.

Third, I will share more of my story with you in regard to this prediction you made less than 5 hours ago: “she will fight to get the old me back, because old me was comforting and enabling her, fixing for her, caring for her.”

I was so sure that once I cut contact with my mother she would fight for me, that is, she would fight to get me back! I was absolutely sure! I thought she couldn’t live without me in her life.

I cut contact, got a birthday card from her six months later, and then… NOTHING. 12 years of nothing. No fighting to get me back, not even a tiny battle.

What I realized was that for so long, I couldn’t live without her. I believed I couldn’t, so I projected this belief-feeling into her- thinking she couldn’t live without me.

It was just a projection, and an inaccurate one.

My story is that of unrequited love. I loved her. She didn’t love me back.

I am not angry about it anymore. She simply didn’t have the capacity, had a very traumatic childhood and a very difficult life.

But Truth remains: unrequited love.

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear me:

It’s a good thing you’ll see your buddy, that the trip won’t be just about spending time with her. It’d be less scary this way, meaning if things don’t work out with her, you’d have him to talk with, as a friend. Right?

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear me:

I am not surprised she wants to travel with you. After all, the two of you had a lot of fun together.

How do you feel about the idea of traveling with her? That would be the first time you’d be with her outside of work, right?

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Tom:

You posted the above on Oct 1, 10:19 am, Singapore time, right?

Only 25 min ago..

You’ll make it through, Tom. Try to make the best of it. Focus on the positives…And post here, anytime you feel like it. I am here!

🌿 🤍 Anita (Sept 30, 7:44 pm here, U.S.)

You are welcome, Jana, and thank you for stopping by this morning (here, U.S.), your afternoon (Czechia).

Good to read that you are feeling peaceful and calm, like autumn 🍂🌻🍁

🤗 back to you!

Dear me:

It made me smile (my first smile of this Monday, feeling sad that the socially busy weekend is over) when I read about the good, playful times the two of you had, particularly when I imagined your eyes meeting through the holes in the box 🙂

Thank you for sharing about these good times, good memories!

I am looking forward to reading from you again, another time, another thread.

Please take good care of yourself!

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Milda:

You are very welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and kindness ❤️

As I was reading the second paragraph of your post right above, the image of a child touching a hot stove for the first time came to my mind. Developing the image: the kid didn’t know how it would feel to touch a hot stove until she touched it. She never thought about it, didn’t consider it. She touches it. Consequence: the alarming, painful sensation of burning. She moves her hand ASAP away from the stove. From then on, she remembers and doesn’t touch a stove until she makes sure it’s not hot.

Similarly, in the beginning, you didn’t know that saying “no” was.. like touching a hot stove, didn’t even cross your mind, so you said “no”. Consequence: the alarming, painful sensation of guilt and shame. (“when I had situations where I said ‘no’ and my parents guilt tripped me for that, said something shameful, insulting”)

From then on, you remember. You don’t say “no”, and you want to make sure the stove is not hot/ you make sure they’re not angry with you (“a signal: do something so they are not angry with you”).

The touching a hot stove story makes sense. It really is, objectively, dangerous to touch a hot stove and keep the hand there.
On the other hand, it is healthy and helpful to say “no” and set boundaries. But alas! The kid is punished for healthy behaviors, and the result: doing what’s healthy feels dangerous.

What to do?

Maybe understand more, for one, how wrong it is for a parent to guilt trip and shame a child for something healthy. A post ago, you wrote: “I do not blame anyone”. For the purpose of healing, it might be helpful to assign blame where it clearly belongs.

Anger is a natural response to being wronged (guilt-tripped, shamed and insulted for healthy behaviors). Anger may give you the strength, or courage to reclaim your human right to say “no” and set healthy boundaries.

Not Anger Forever. Not explosive, or abusive anger. Just enough of it to counter the fear (“To start feeling scared and still act in a new healthy way.”), and to give the “bad” that they threw at you back to them (“I believe this is the biggest issue- that I feel scared, I feel a bad daughter (by my parents terms)”)

For the longest time, I had this core belief, set so early on by being repeatedly guilt-tripped, shamed and insulted by my mother, that I was a BAD daughter. For many years I tried so hard to become a good daughter (by my mother’s terms), but never accomplished that goal.

Fast forward, I handed her the BAD (in regard to the guilt-tripping and shaming), and the result: no more bad for me to carry (in regard to having been guilt-tripped and shamed by her). The bad is for the one inflicting shame to carry, not for the victim of the infliction to carry.

What do you think, Milda?

🌿 🤍 Anita