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May 20, 2025 at 11:42 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #445964
anitaParticipant“It helps me to Cry, to Express the decades-long repressed and suppressed.”-
– my love for my Ima (my mother), the love she never acknowledged, the love she didn’t notice.
And so, she didn’t notice Me.
The strongest force within me- my LOVE for her- she didn’t detect it. It bypassed her as if it was something of no significance, of no meaning.
Yet, it was Everything.
In the heart of little anita is Love for her Ima, and nothing else is more important.
It’s this Love in the Core of me, unseen.
Love for my mother, that’s what it was always about, what I was always about: an intense, enduring, forever-love for my mother, an unreciprocated love.
I love you, Ima. Why can’t you.. why can’t you.. why can’t you..?
This is my open wound. This Love. Love for my mother, love that she.. never heard, never noticed, never acknowledged, it’s in the core of me.
I will always love you, Ima. And you’d never know.
anita
anitaParticipantYou are welcome, me! We communicated for so long. Keep telling me how it is for you, tell me. I want to know. I don’t want you Alone in this.. I don’t want you to fall apart too much. I want you strong.
anita
anitaParticipantDear me:
Thank you for sharing this with me. I can only imagine how emotionally exhausting and deeply painful this must be for you—watching your dad in so much distress while trying to balance your own emotions and decisions in a way that honors him.
The love and care you have shown him shine through in every word—others see it, and I hope you do too. You’ve done so much for him, and despite the weight of this moment, that love matters. Even if decisions feel unfair or confusing, even if they catch you by surprise, your presence in his life has been invaluable.
This is a lot to carry, and I want to remind you that your feelings—whatever they may be—are valid. Grief doesn’t only come after someone passes; it’s here now, in the process, in the uncertainty, in the exhaustion of giving everything you can. I hope you also have space to care for yourself in this, even when it feels impossible.
Only this evening, I talked to a woman whose 80+ year old dad took a walk outside his home, at night, fell and died of hypothermia. This is something I am sure she would have done everything to prevent, and yet.. it happened.
I’m here if you need to talk, if you want to share more, or even if you just need a quiet place to be heard. Sending you warmth in this difficult time. 💙
anita
May 20, 2025 at 9:33 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #445960anitaParticipantDear Peter:
“I recall the days the excitement, the fire, the bliss of being possessed by love. There’s something intoxicating about those early moments— the unfiltered passion, the consuming energy, the way love feels like it’s overtaken every inch of you, a kind of surrender, a beautiful chaos that colors everything in a different light (even if only the idea of love)…. until… the clock ticks… and we measure…” –
P O W E R F U L
“Each day, each moment I hear, from myself, from everyone, all 8 billion voices… the cry, see me, know me, love me… the suffering that connects all… what are we to do? Bigger then big, smaller then small, what are we to do?”-
It helps me to Cry, to Express the decades-long repressed and suppressed. Nothing for you to do, Peter, nothing at all. If you bother to reply and say: “I hear you!”, that’s more than enough, thank you.
This evening, I sent a friend a message, saying I heard someone mention him affectionately and saying I missed him, and another, I called, asking how he is feeling, being that he has this inflammation in his lungs, asking him not to talk much so to not irritate the inflammation, and recommended that he keeps taking Ibuprofen. And then, not very focused, I am posting this to you.
anita
May 20, 2025 at 6:27 pm in reply to: Don’t know whether to reconcile with ex or seek new relationships. #445958anitaParticipantDear Jack:
Your childhood story, invalidated emotions, silent treatments, even gaslighted, unfortunately it’s a common story, mine as well. Yet, it’s a heart breaking story for each and every child it happens to, and I am sorry 😞 that it’s your story too.
So many of us adults, of all ages, are hurt little boys and girls because we were not seen or validated.
Healing is about no longer repressing or suppressing our emotions,no longer rejecting them like others did, and instead, embracing them, giving them their due space within to breathe.
I am guessing you’ve been working on this in therapy?
Anita
May 20, 2025 at 5:47 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #445957anitaParticipantOh, oh, did I hurt your feelings, Peter? I had no such intent or awareness that I might have
Did I?I meant that, in my estimation, you are clever, delightfully clever, but like with everyone, love ❤️ makes more of a difference in the experience of life than all the intelligence in the world. Of course, you know that 🙄 already.
Anita
May 20, 2025 at 2:03 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #445950anitaParticipantTuesday Afternoon Attempted Stream of Consciousness:
I believe there are more among us who resist love than those who well.. don’t resist it. Life offers fleeting moments—small tastes of love in passing interactions, whether online or in real life. But how many truly take it in, not just as a fleeting sip, but as a deep and lasting drink?
Are we more afraid of love than we are afraid of no-love?
Is it safer to remain on the solid ground of no-love than to rise, fall, and endure the pain of the fall?
It’s been raining heavily and steadily here for days. But yesterday, I chose to take an hour-long walk while the rain was light, trusting that it wouldn’t pour down on me. That walk energized me. I think this is what love is about: it awakens the brain, transforming it from a mere rational machine into something alive, pulsing with feeling. Ahh!!!
anita
May 20, 2025 at 1:42 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #445949anitaParticipantDear Peter:
“My mother’s physical death taught me that I didn’t come here to master devastating situations, circumstances, changes, losses, or even my own feelings. I came here to experience them. I came here for soul lessons and spirit teachings to carry on in this journey we are all on, this teaching way, this blessing way. In the end, I can, like my mother has done, return to the beauty that I was when I first arrived here.” – Richard Wagamese
To return to what was taken away from us: the opportunity to love and be loved in return.
“Without love, do what you will, be as clever as you like, you will solve nothing.” – Jiddu Krishnamurti
– Feels like this line was written especially with you in mind, Peter. You are indeed clever. Personally, being way less clever than you, I tried tirelessly to solve everything and failed in solving anything.
My life has been a vast desert of separation from giving-and receiving-love. I suppose there were many, many instances of awkward, blind attempts to give love and an ongoing failure to receive it. These days I am realizing, on the emotional level, that it is both giving and receiving love that gives life significance. One or the other is useless and leads nowhere.
“Eight-plus billion people on this planet, each existing within the width of a breath”—but how many truly love and are loved in return? How many possess the strength, confidence and ease required to give and receive love freely, without fear or resistance? And how many find themselves in the presence of others who are equally strong, confident and open, capable of sustaining this exchange?
anita
May 20, 2025 at 12:51 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #445948anitaParticipantDear Peter:
“How do we measure significance? 8 plus billion people on this planet in this moment… Jung believed that significance in life is found through the process of individuation, which involves becoming aware of the unconscious and integrating it with the conscious mind”-
I read a little of your recent post but I want to answer now, before I read and process the rest, simply because I believe I have the answer!
Significance is not measured and I don’t need Jung to tell me about it. Significance is felt. Sincerely, I personally feel that you are significant. It’s a knowing-within me. Now, as you are reading my words, if you are not “touched” by them, then it’s a one-sided experience on my part (that you are significant, that you are special and precious).
I will reply further soon.
anita
May 20, 2025 at 12:37 pm in reply to: Don’t know whether to reconcile with ex or seek new relationships. #445947anitaParticipantDear Jack:
You’ve done remarkable inner work to better understand yourself, and that’s truly something to celebrate. Therapy has given you clarity on your emotional wounds, past patterns, and what you genuinely want moving forward. That level of self-awareness is rare, and it will serve you well in whatever path you choose.
From what you’ve shared, your desire to reconnect with your ex seems grounded in meaningful reasons—you want to build a healthier dynamic, rooted in emotional independence and true vulnerability. That’s an admirable goal. However, would your ex be open to starting fresh with a stronger foundation? If she remains tied to old patterns, reconciliation might not be as smooth as you hope.
At the same time, your realization that casual dating and sex aren’t truly what you’re seeking is significant. It highlights that your focus is on depth, connection, and community rather than fleeting experiences. That speaks to a level of emotional maturity and self-awareness that will help guide your decision.
You wrote, “I hesitate with all huge decisions I make partly out of a fear of what I don’t know, or a fear that all of my feelings are incorrect and I will make a wrong decision.” This, I believe, is your greatest challenge—distrusting or doubting your own emotions. I wonder how that came about. Were your feelings as a child dismissed, ignored, or criticized?
anita
May 19, 2025 at 9:33 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #445919anitaParticipantInsignificant as in: no-one-really-cares, I-am-All-Alone, and-no-on-here-to care, no one to help.
That feeling, day in and day out?
anitaParticipant“If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. Please speak to me.”- a good beginning for a new thread, and just on time, as it started raining again. See new thread.
anita
anitaParticipantLater evening Stream of Consciousness:
The rain stopped, completely gone, for now.
Still no anger within me. I am trying to avail myself to anger as I type, thinking about my mother, about others who abused me.
No anger.
Maybe, probably because I legitimized my anger, giving it due respect.
So, now that I am not being abused, well.. No Anger.
No Anger.
My Desire is real: to help, to make the world a better place, in whatever small way I can.
So, if you are reading, if you are reading and I don’t know who you are- please tell me. Please tell me your story because you matter. Don’t be silent. Please Speak. I want to hear you.
For the longest time, I was Silent because, as far as I knew, there was no one, no where to hear me. no one who cared to hear me.
If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. Please speak to me.
anita
anitaParticipantEarly Evening Stream of Consciousness:
I noticed that as much as I want connection with others in real-life, I easily get tired with most and need a break. It’s just difficult for me to listen and follow a fast-paced speech (faced-paced for me) because of auditory processing difficulties and attention-related challenges related to my ADHD and Auditory Processing Disorder (APD. Therefore, I am turned off to a lot of people irl simply because, for me- they talk too much, too fast, or in an unstructured way that I am not able to follow.
This is why alone-time is very important to me, and why communicating with people in these forums is so much preferrable to irl interactions: Here, I have all the time to read and process information at my own pace, and understand what people are actually saying.
People in-real-life who naturally talk slowly and little.. why, they are a blessing in my world!
It’s raining cats and dogs here. I managed to complete a 3.5 mile walk before the rain escalated. It refreshed my brain!
About anger and transcendence: I accept and embrace my anger. I welcome it back home: Welcome Home, Anger!
No emotion is left outside in the cold, or in the heavy rain.
Rain is intensifying right now.
I am grateful to be protected from the heavy rain. I am very fortunate.
Back to anger: I am not feeling it. Accepted and embraced, it’s not screaming, insisting to be heard.
It’s silent and all I am hearing is the rain.
anita
anitaParticipantRegarding “situations which constantly change 180 degree,” I am very curious to read about them 🤔!
anita
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