Dear Helcat:

You are welcome. I am sorry to read that you and your husband needed to take a break. I hope that the two of you coparent well during the break, and that it is a temporary break during which healing and recovery takes place. I hope that you and your husband reunite in healthy ways.

Here are words that may help you, words written by a wise person I know, words that inspire me: “Men are not taught to communicate by society. They are taught to hold everything inside, encouraged to not feel. Hide it, because you’re not a man otherwise. Society is wrong…

“Unhealthy behaviours are everywhere. Literally every person has unhealthy behaviours – behaviours which are considered abusive. We are all raised in an inherently abusive society. Is it such a shock? All we can do is try our best to manage our issues and try to help each other…

“Language is inherently flawed in that people attribute their own meaning to it. You shouldn’t feel like that. To one person means that your feelings are being denied and dismissed and to the other, I didn’t mean for you to feel that way…

“I read something and I didn’t understand it at first. It suggested to resolve relationship problems with unrelenting kindness and openness. Now, I’m starting to see the benefit of that advise…

“I understand now, that relationships are to be prioritised above ego and emotions. I am more forgiving now. It has helped my husband and I to operate as a team and genuinely improved our communication…

“Society doesn’t think very much of broken people. It sees them as useless and worthless. But society is wrong. Someone who has never experienced love needs love. Someone who is broken needs help to heal. People with empathy see that circumstances don’t define a person’s worth. They see who they are beyond circumstances and all of the potential that they hold if they can overcome it…

“I see now that it is a very old story that I tell myself. I am unlovable. I am broken. I don’t deserve love and am not worthy of it. A story that is only true while I believe it to be. I was just like my son. A baby, a lot of hard work no doubt. But full of love, eager to learn, trying to make sense of the world, eager to live…

“I agree it is easier to communicate when people don’t express anger as anger and instead communicate as you say with empathy. This is a relatively new thing that I learned to do this year…

I prioritise trust, respect, being seen and understood and my individual needs mattering.”.

End of Quotes.

anita

Dear Helcat: Thinking of you and your dog, and your son and husband: I hope that you are all well, and that your dog continues to heal and recover from surgery!

anita

Dear Adrianne:

We all make mistakes e v e r y   d a y, with different levels of awareness. It takes courage to admit when we make a mistake, correct it if possible and make a mental note to not do/ say this or that in the future, in similar circumstances. No benefit in beating oneself up after you correct and/ or learn from the experience.

anita

Dear Bhavana:

You are most welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation: it is kind of you to do so. And please do post again when you feel hopeless, and when you feel hopeful. Let us all focus on hope, whenever, wherever it is.

anita

Dear Adrianne:

The way I reply to your recent post (and previous post or posts) is to read one sentence and respond before reading the next sentence.

“I will start by saying I did tell her I was bisexual and had experience with girls in the past. I told her about one girl I used to date“- when you told her this, she probably started thinking (you know how quickly we humans think, some more than others, thought move so quickly through our brains.. so many of them) thoughts like: hmm, I wonder if she finds me attractive, I wonder if she will come on to me, I wonder how it’d feel to be with her, why am I looking at her body as if I am a lesbian, I am not! Or am I, just a bit, etc., and thoughts involve images and imaginations, as you know.

“Now I feel horrified that I actually might have done something to make her feel like I was hitting on her“- it is probably probable (lol) that you too had thoughts about her, I wonder if she could think of me as  attractive, and/ or I wonder how it’d feel to be with her, etc. It’s to easy to think, and it just happens that we think. We are not guilty for thinking this or that. Neither are we guilty for feeling this or that. It’s the nature of our brains.

Sometimes what we think and feel expresses itself in our facial expressions, tone of voice, a word here and there..  before we realize it.

“She did behave in.. girly, flirty manner. I think it’s just her way of being – I did see it couple of times when were in the office. But she did behave like that in my presence only“- reads like she was curious and part of her was trying to attract you and have a thing with you.

“She did invite me to a trip… she did talk about the trip many many times. With sleepover and with other friend, but later just two of us“- she was pursuing either an Experience with you, or a Relationship.

“There was one time I said okay we can go, but we never did. Later I proposed that we can go on a trip the three of us: me, my boyfriend and her, or some of her friend/sister or whatever, but she said no. She said she didn’t want to be a burden or interrupt my time with my boyfriend… Later she came back to the idea of trip only for us two“- she was pursuing you for a romantic/ sexual experience and/ or for a possible full-fledged relationship.

“To provide some more content for you Anita: at the beginning when we first met we did not talk that much… One time she told me: (paraphrased) I need to find a boyfriend to stop bothering you in the evenings/I feel like we talk a lot these days, more than we used to/ I will keep looking for a boyfriend to leave you alone“- people come up with categories of people, heterosexual and homosexual are two such categories, but most people fit in different places along a continuum of each defined category, open somewhat to new experiences (once thoughts and images alert a person to new possibilities).

Reads like she felt emotionally close to you. The brain does not have separate areas for closeness with a woman vs  closeness with a man. There is a mix.

“She was clearly bragging that she had a boyfriend and showed me photos for me to see him, see how he looks like, that he is handsome etc. But I don’t think the purpose was that she wanted me to be attracted to him and think ‘wow that’s a handsome man’. Or was it?“- I don’t think so. I think that following unsuccessfully pursuing you for a long time, she felt rejected and angrily, wanted to show you that someone (handsome) finds her attractive even though you didn’t.

“I think she felt like a burden because there were times she was too much. And she told us that some people in the past used to tell her that she was too much. And sometimes she was. She used to text us long messages…“- she was needy, needy of emotional closeness.

“She wrote me several letters. First time that we were in the office she gave me gift – lots of stuff, she spend so much money on this and she attached a letter to it. It was nice but a bit .. well, too much“- she was pursuing you.

“Maybe I did something to make her feel that way. Maybe it was the dynamic between us that she was this girly, cutesy one and I am not a girly one, I am more.. gender neutral when it comes to clothes or behaving… She used to joke about pink color, painting her nails, glitter etc. I think she was trying to be cute very often“- she was trying to attract you.

“She did send me her photos too. I never commented on them since I did not know the point of sending them. There were photos of her in the car or before the work meetings, she was dressed up etc.“- I bet she felt rejected when you didn’t comment on the photos she sent you.

“She sent me valentine cards too… She sent LOTS of hearts. Lots of emotional letters, descriptions, confessions about how she likes me and values me“- I rest my case: she was pursuing you! 

“Thank you Anita. I will learn (from) my mistakes. Now I know I don’t have to match someone’s affection or return the affection only because someone craves it. Especially when I am not interested in ‘that way’ and when I am in a relationship. Seems to me like I did something to make her feel like I was hitting on her. But I guess I will never know. It’s sad that it had to end but I think it really had to.“- you are welcome. Reads like indeed she craved your affection and that her craving did not know romantic/ sexual orientation boundaries, at least not when it came to you. She pursued you and you rejected her.

From psychology today/ navigating the pathway of romantic rejection: “the experience of romantic rejection is complex and variable impacting mood, behavior, and cognitions… (rejection) can trigger anger…  Lastly, over time rejection… can lead to severe depression and despair”-

– I don’t think she’s suffering from depression as a result of you rejecting her romantically, but I think that the rejection is the reason behind her changed mood, behavior and cognition that you described earlier (not texting you back, not joining group chats, etc.)

anita

Dear Bhavana:

“His parents had love marriage.. so he was always confident that he can talk to his parents and convince them“- if both his parents came from Christian families, their love marriage is of a different category than if they came from two different religions. If his parents are of a same religion love marriage, then your ex did not suspect at all that they may disapprove of a different religion love marriage?

“during that time of looking for matches for his elder brother.. they warned him also.. saying.. we won’t agree if she does not belong to our religion and community.. he tried to talk to them.. but they gave him hard time and stopped talking entirely.. and recently his mother had a severe illness“- the usual parental manipulation: silent treatment, guilt tripping, and maybe faking or exaggerating an illness.

“he was pretty sure he could convince them… His parents reaction was very unexpected to him“- I often read in the forums that (in arranged marriage societies) young men think that they can convince the parents on the issue, and I don’t know why they’d think that, or be sure of it,  because the Power is with the Parents.

“Our assumptions are wrong.. I believe assuming things and going through relationship was our fault..“- yes, assuming things based on wishful thinking (not on evidence) is a problem. There is a saying, the heart wants what the heart wants. And now you have to give your heart time and attention so that it heals, so that it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.. little by little.

Please feel free to post any time you feel like posting. Maybe expressing yourself, here on this thread (or on a new thread you may want to start), and receiving supportive replies will help a bit.

anita

I am proud of you too, Shandrea, I truly am!

anita

Dear Adrianne: The plot thickens! I have some thoughts about the parts I read of your recent post, but will need my morning brain to process, so will be back to you Wed morning (Tues early afternoon here).

anita