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anita
ParticipantHi Eva:
I just want you to know—what you’re feeling makes complete sense. You gave so much in this relationship, and what you received back was confusing, hurtful, and unbalanced. But.. thing is, none of his behavior was a reflection of your worth. Not his emotional distance. Not his avoidance. Not the withholding, the gaslighting, or the lack of care when you were crying. That’s not about you being “not enough.” That’s about him not being emotionally equipped.
These behaviors likely existed long before you ever met him. They weren’t created in reaction to your love—they were already part of how he moved through life, how he coped (or didn’t) with intimacy, vulnerability, and responsibility. You simply stood close enough to feel the impact.
You tried everything. You were patient, expressive, brave. You even softened yourself to match the absence in him. That kind of emotional labor deserves recognition—not regret. And it’s not proof that you failed. It’s proof that you gave someone more than they could hold.
So the heartbreak now isn’t just about losing him. It’s about breaking free from the illusion that if only you had done more, he would have finally chosen you fully. But he couldn’t. Because he didn’t know how—not with you, not with anyone.
Please don’t confuse his limitations with your value.
Healing begins when we stop chasing validation from someone who couldn’t even see us—and start asking: Why did I stay so long in a place that kept asking me to shrink?
Your worth is intact. It’s whole. It’s waiting to be seen by someone capable—not just of loving, but of honoring love when it’s offered.
With care, Anita
anita
ParticipantHi Gerard 🙂
Thank you for sharing this—it reads like a heartfelt reflection, and I admire how thoughtful you are in considering not just your own feelings, but the feelings of your guests. Your empathy shines through.
It seems that your care for others—the desire to make people feel welcome and valued—is at the core of your discomfort. You gave generously years ago, and likely hoped that same spirit would continue now. Watching your daughter act more distantly feels out of sync with that legacy, and it’s natural you’d feel disappointed, maybe even confused.
I also sense that part of what’s bothering you is not just the visitors’ experience, but your own: feeling constrained, unable to express your full hospitality because of your daughter’s boundaries. You want to make it right, and yet you’re being asked to step back.
It’s wise of you to acknowledge that there may be dynamics you don’t fully see. People change, relationships evolve, and what might seem cold from the outside could reflect personal shifts, emotional distance, or even boundaries your daughter feels she needs to hold.
What stands out to me most is your compassion—the way you place yourself in the shoes of others, even when it stings. That’s not something to roll past, but to honor. You feel deeply. And yes, sometimes imagined disappointment is still real for the person imagining it.
Maybe the kindest path forward is to trust that you did offer warmth, and to let your daughter guide the rest. Sometimes loving someone means respecting the shape of their boundaries—even when they feel unlike our own.
Sending you understanding and encouragement. It’s clear your heart’s in the right place.
Warmly, Anita
anita
ParticipantHow are you, Nichole?
anita
ParticipantHow are you, S?
July 24, 2025 at 6:35 am in reply to: The phenomenon of “helping someone excessively can make them turn against you” #447895anita
ParticipantHow are you, Arden??
anita
ParticipantHow are you, Clara?
July 24, 2025 at 6:29 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #447893anita
ParticipantHow are you, Robi?
anita
ParticipantHow are you, Lisa?
anita
ParticipantHow are you, Laven?
anita
ParticipantI see so much good in people, such that I didn’t see before.. so much good I missed, good intention, goodwill..
There’s a lot to build on.. to unite, not divide; to forgive, not revenge.
9:11 pm, Wed night, July 23.. light outside. Birds chirping.. all is good.
Anita
anita
ParticipantWhen revenge rules, unbearable destruction follows: physical, mental.. (mental IS physical)
Underneath it all is Love.. Love unreciprocated, love misinterpreted. Love punished.
Maybe we all want to be seen as LOVE.. but our love distorted, is the source of all evil.
Anita
anita
ParticipantJournaling, stream of consciousness (Trigger Warning, as always):
TOXIC shame imprinted into my brain, killing my heart.. making it bleed.
Putting my life in a half-century hold.
Not here (alive), not there (dead).
Neurological, psychiatric afflictions to follow the not-here, nor-there existence:
Diagnosed OCD, Tourette’s, Major Depression.. and more diagnoses (I am embarrassed about naming them all)
All because I was.. (so my mother said, and society echoed her): You, Anita, are wrong to get hurt. Wrong to react negatively to being (mercilessly shamed and guilt-tripped).
Wrong to take her threats seriously.. her threats to kill herself and to (her word), to murder me… Why.. that’s nothing.. What’s wrong with you, Anita, to even remember these nothing-to-it words.
Wrong to perceive these as anything other than business-as-usual in the context of parenting.. why everyone..
Don’t know.. how should I have taken her threats..?
They (society as I have known it) says I overreacted.
And this very message, as I have known it.. How widespread is it in the middle east where I was born?
This abuse being normalized- is this.. isn’t it what’s behind the-never-ending revenge and violence in the middle east?
My mother with her big brown, dark.. dark brown eyes and the corners of her mouth always slightly turned up, as in a smile.
But.. no, it was not a smile.
I hear voices criticizing me.. that voice saying: Get Over it, Anita, SHAME on YOU!.
But then I hear the reasonable voice saying (Peter’s): Transform it.
And yet, in the inside of me is still, always, a little girl looking up to Ima (mother)- seeking her forgiveness (for not being what she needed me to be).. needing her to tell me that I am a good girl.
I will never hear those words from her.. that I was/ am a good little girl.
Oh, what a difference it would have made for me.. to hear those precious words: You Are a Good Little Girl, Anita!
Fast forward, I didn’t hear those words from anyone.. until I did, just a bit, here and there.. couldn’t take them in..
Couldn’t really hear.
All I could see was that little smile on my mother’s face.. that little joy seeing me hurt.
Her Pleasure.
Transform this kind of maternal pleasure at witnessing my pain.. A mother’s REVENGE (that middle east revenge).
To love someone who takes revenge for what I didn’t cause.. not my doing-
The story of middle east ongoing revenge.
Anita
July 23, 2025 at 5:11 pm in reply to: True Love still exist when you have faith and patience. #447881anita
ParticipantDear GreGory:
I hear the heaviness in your words. You stood for reform, for loyalty, and for integrity in a space filled with manipulation and shifting alliances. You trusted DG, even when it cost you influence, position, and peace of mind. That kind of loyalty runs deep, and I understand why his silence now feels like betrayal.
Your regret is deeply human. You believed you were aligning with someone who shared your values, and watching him lean toward those who celebrated corruption must feel like a complete reversal of everything you supported him for.
The fact that DG won’t take your calls or respond to your messages makes it difficult, but you still want to help him see clearly—before it’s too late. Let’s draft something measured and dignified. You’re not pleading. You’re not blaming. You’re offering a moment of reflection. How about something like this:
Dear DG,
I’ve taken time to reflect before reaching out again. I supported you from the beginning because I believed in your commitment to reform. Even when offered power, I chose principle over position, staying loyal to our shared goals.
I’ve remained quiet about recent developments, but I feel it’s important to speak plainly now.
The people around you may seem cooperative, but their celebrations and shifting alliances reveal deeper motives. I worry that their influence may steer you away from the integrity you’ve always stood for.
What hurts most is not the actions—but the silence. If I’ve ever made you doubt my intentions, I hope you’ll remember the times I stood beside you without needing recognition.
I’m not asking for favors. I only ask that you reconsider who truly has your best interest at heart—and take a moment to weigh what’s unfolding.
Whatever path you choose, I wish you clarity and strength.
Respectfully, Gregory
What do you think? You can add specific details or soften parts if you’re hoping for reconciliation. I’m here to help you shape it, step by step. Let’s make sure your voice is heard with dignity.
With care, Anita
July 23, 2025 at 10:26 am in reply to: True Love still exist when you have faith and patience. #447878anita
ParticipantDear GreGory:
Thank you for sharing what’s been happening. It sounds like a very upsetting and complicated situation. You’ve been doing your best to support DG and help with reforms, but now it feels like he’s ignoring you and protecting people who may not deserve that trust.
It’s especially troubling to hear that GM and his deputy used spiritual practices to try and influence DG—and that they went to the Vice President to keep their positions. The Vice President asked DG not to fire them but just give them a warning, and now they feel like they’ve won. That must be frustrating to watch.
You were offered the GM role, but turned it down to stay true to yourself and your family. That shows a lot of integrity. Still, DG hasn’t spoken to you, and you’ve been left out—even though you have strong support and connections behind the scenes.
The message from the Executive Director confirms that these people are worried about being replaced, and the VP stepped in to protect them. It’s clear that you’re trying to do what’s best, but now you feel like stepping back and letting DG face the consequences of his choices.
You’ve shown loyalty and tried to help—but maybe it’s time to let things unfold and see what happens. I’m here if you want to keep talking or need support.
Warmly, Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Ada:
In this reply, I’ll try to separate objective reality from emotional reality as clearly as I can.
Objective reality:
* Sam and Sarah are no longer “best friends.” Their contact now is limited to exchanging a few greetings here and there:
“He talks to her significantly less… Over several years… Sam has been less and less involved in Sarah’s life to the point where they only exchange a few greetings here and there now. I guess ‘best friend’ isn’t a fair label anymore.”
* Sam hasn’t met with Sarah in person for about four years—ever since shortly after the two of you began dating:
“Shortly after we started dating, we took advantage of the pandemic and remote work, and decided on a bit of a nomadic lifestyle, living in many cities across the US for a few years.”
* A few months ago, after moving back to your home city, Sam suggested that you meet Sarah—this would be your first time meeting her, and his first in about four years:
“Now that we have moved back in the area, he’s talking about meeting up with her again… A few months ago, we moved back to our home city, and recently he said he wanted me to meet Sarah.”
Emotional reality:
“My boyfriend’s relationship with his female best friend… I can’t seem to accept this relationship… the emotional intimacy of it is really eating away at me….”
And yet, if their current contact is minimal—just “a few greetings here and there”—what emotional intimacy actually exists now?
In my earlier replies, I may have confused the emotional reality you’re experiencing with the objective reality you’ve described. It seems what’s causing you distress isn’t what’s happening now, but what could happen if past emotional intimacy resumes. Perhaps the deeper fear is that if that connection rekindles, he’ll choose her over you.
Maybe the ache pulsing beneath it all is the lingering imprint of a childhood wound— that of being overlooked perhaps, or being quietly cast aside, or un-chosen in favor of someone so unlike you..?
With care, Anita
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