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anitaParticipantI hear you, me- being in between wanting something and not seeing it as something that’s possible, wanting her close, yet not seeing it as something that’s possible..?
I just wish you have what you need: something close, something you can trust..?
Anita
anitaParticipantGood to read from you, Nichole!
I think I get you- the need of people, on one hand; the distrust, on the other hand.
The people in the Church group, what’s your distrust of them about..?
Anita
anitaParticipantHi Everyone,
I didn’t know how my inner child (the part of me I dissociated from sometime during my first decade of life.. perhaps at 5) felt until she told me yesterday.
I have been so removed from her, for so long. It feels almost strange, almost wrong to reunite with her, to be one with her again.. after such a long, long time of separation.
About S, I am still recovering.
I used to like her. I thought she used to like me.
Last thing she said to me was 6 days ago, she said: “You are Bad”. These may be the last words I ever hear her say.
I just felt a bit of anger. And then the sentence (from the Japanese Zen story crossed my mind: “Is that so?”
She said so.. My mother said so (in so many, many words)-
Is. That. So?
My Personal Reckoning is about holding myself accountable for my words and behavior today, not about doing the impossible (going back in time, unsaying, undoing what was said and done). It’s about learning the workings within me so that I can better work things next time.
Anger is a loaded emotion and it leads to so much violence, like the emotional violence of 6 days ago, and my invitation of physical violence (Anita to S: “Why don’t you punch me in the face?”).
To be kind. To be mild. This is my goal.
How to achieve that?
To come to peace within me and to operate from that peace of mind and heart.
Am I a bad person?
I get to answer.
Well, am I?
What a scary question.
I will be thinking about it.
Anita
anitaParticipantDear James: your post right above brought the first smile to my day π β¨
Anytime you choose to post your thoughts, ideas.. feelings, your humor, I will be happy to read from you!
anitaParticipantDear me:
Did you tell her by now that you miss her?
It occurred to me this morning as I read your words, “she is a shy girl” that you are a shy guy yourself.. when it comes to saying such things as missing a girl, or such tender, emotional things. Do you think that you are shy in this way?
π€πΏ Anita
anitaParticipantHi Tom:
Glad you made it back safely and that the presentation was well received! I understand politics can be annoying but.. if it’s something you can’t change.. or it’s not going to be worth it to get into it, better let it go, I suppose.
I hope that you are having a relaxing, comforting time with your partner and πΆ.
πΏ π€ Anita
anitaParticipantDear Q:
“part of me doesnβt want that to happen and holds on tight”- I imagine this part that’s holding on tight is the part that’s trying to calm the “Stressed and anxious” (title of your thread) part..?
Because at times her presence calmed you and you long for those times..?
I think that inside every man there’s a stressed and anxious boy, at least at times, and inside every woman, there’s a stressed and anxious girl.. at least at times.
We people need each other to calm, comfort, validate, help. What does that song say.. “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”. I’d say people who reach out to people and receive good things are the luckiest people in the world.
β¨β¨β¨ Anita
anitaParticipantMove away from anything slavery-like and toward freedom.
Emotional Independence. Q being Q.
Mental/ Emotional Freedom sounds just right, Q.
π Anita
anitaParticipantI get it, me, goofing around is Me’s style. one of a kind Me π
Anita
anitaParticipantHello again, James:
Not very focused, but for now: if there’s magic in our connection, if there’s magic here, in this thread, let’s let it unfold. What is it that you need most? What is it that I need most?
Can we meet each other.. make little magic together..?
Nothing weird, something real?
Anita
anitaParticipantThank you, Thomas, I will let you know what happens next.
πΏ π π€ Anita
anitaParticipantYou are very welcome, Going Through Life. No doubt you need someone you can fully trust, we all need such a person in our lives.. someone- however imperfect (no one is)- someone we can trust.
π€πΏ Anita
anitaParticipantYou miss her..?
anitaParticipantMore (because there’s always more π π π π π π π)
I expect this thread to be long, no rushing. A Personal Reckoning takes time.
I am trying to really, really get in touch with little girl Anita, a girl lost to me.
A girl I want to reconnect with more.. with all the sadness and joy that it entails.
Erased by Parental Demand .. not completely erased.
So, little girl Anita, speak to me, please..?
Little girl Anita (LGA): Ima (meaning, “Mother!”).. Ima, Ima, Ima..
Tell me, tell me, little Anita..
LGA: IMA.. IMA!
Tell me..
LGA: I LOVE YOU IMA!!!!!!!
She didn’t know?
LGA: No. She didn’t know.
What did she think she knew?
LGA: She thought she knew, she thought I was.. BAD.
I hate being bad. I don’t want to be bad. Help me, help me be good.
She said you were bad..?
LGA: Yes.
And you believed her?
LGA: She said so, she said I was bad.. And then.. I really was bad, I hit my little sister… I WAS B.A.D. And I’ve done wrong to other people.. Am I B.A.D.. I am bad (crying..)
I don’t want to be bad, I never wanted to (crying out loud)
She told you that you were bad? How, what did she say?
LGA: She said I was BAD, she said I had plans to hurt her and then.. executed those plans.
And it wasn’t true, what she said?
LGA: no.
What was it all about?
LGA: Love misinterpreted (not a little girl’s wording.. is it?)
No, you and I are merging..
LGA: Into what, into whom?
Into a person who speaks the truth
LGA: But she DID speak the truth! She said I was BAD.
You believe it?
LGA: Yes, she said it! She SAID it, she said I was- am BAD.
But.. it wasn’t true.
LGA: Sounded so true, 100% true.. Am I BAD.. Make HER say I am not bad. Make her say I am not…
(crying too loudly, have to stop)
anitaParticipantDear James:
No.. I don’t want to get you wrong. A moment of joy in an entire life is indeed not enough. But in connection, in true, sincere connection between two people.. there’s magic in it. Can you and I, two individuals maybe far, far away in real-life.. Can we connect more? There might be joy in it. Connecting with each other=> connecting with, within ourselves..?
Nothing weird. Something real..?
πΏ π€ Anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.