Dear Clara:

You are welcome. “No doubt I have grown a lot throughout the years… No doubt I have my resilience, been in even tougher situations“- and indeed, you have what it takes to deal well with the current situation.

“Then I remember what Anita said: I needed to think in her shoes… Last night, I decided to hide all her IG stories and also log out of the app“- think about how it is to be in her own shoes, but operate from the position of your own shoes: fair to her and fair to you, not one at the expense of the other.

anita

Dear Clara:

I thought I’ll dig out some encouraging words for you (I am adding the boldface feature):

Feb 24, 2017, Clara: “Hi Anita and all Hope all is well! I am back from my two months backpacking trip and thanks for the advice last time, it was very useful to me especially when you said the moment that I stay misery is a life lost, and I totally agree to it. I was expecting my 3 days local tour in Bolivia when I left a message to you, and it turned out that my tour was the best tour in my own trip, I have met some very good tour-mates and it’s an amazing. Good that I didn’t give up“-

– And I say: Say No to Unnecessary Misery: don’t indulge in it yourself, there’s no benefit to it. And don’t inflict it on another. Both. This is my policy for myself!

anita

You are welcome, Clara, and I hope to read from you again about .. anything you want to share here.

anita

Dear gresshoppe:

Congrats for having had the talk with him two days ago!

“I have decided to try to be still for a while. I’m not sure why that has been difficult for me, but I wonder if I can grow into it?“- can you elaborate on your difficulties with being still?

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome!

“I do not feel empathized or understood well.  I think I need someone who is more… sensitive to feelings/ emotions… She does have some friends whom she talks about their problems, but I think they are talking like what typically men do…They are all in the head, and everything is compartmentalized and doesn’t go into the heart… Part of me know I really want to end this, part of me I really want to know what she would say at the end and honour the promise”

– I believe that you should indeed honor the promise and not contact her for the rest of the planned break. Being compartmentalized, I guess she is thinking way less about it all than you do. It’d be nice if you move a bit in her way of thinking/ feeling, and she’d move toward your way: more sensitivity and empathy for you. And the two of you meet in the middle and make it work.

anita

Dear Seaturtle: You submitted a post 2 minutes before you submitted yours. I am tired, exhausted, thank you for asking.

anita

Dear Carol:

You are very welcome!

(I am adding the boldface and italic features): “In February, when I saw her after 6 weeks, I told her that I was scared that everyone would stop prioritizing our friendship once they entered in a relationship… At the time, she assured me that she highly valued friendship and that platonic relationships were equally as important as romantic ones to her... It makes me wonder if that should make me reconsider sending her a text, as I somehow expressed how I felt in February, even if it was in a subtle hint?.. I feel very anxious and I am reminded of the fact that I somewhat shared my feelings with her in February, even though it was in an indirect way“-

– her reaction back in Feb was not subtle or indirect. It was obvious and direct. She told you in no uncertain terms what proved to be untrue since Feb. Her reaction tells me that although you feel that you were subtle and indirect, she clearly understood what you were saying back then.

“I am currently in a good mood because I am going to a few events in the following days with my new friends. So in a way, I am scared that sending this text will send me back in a dark place“- new events with new friends is the way to go, seems to me, leaving the past in the past.

anita

Dear Clara:

“One thing that she mentioned she liked about me, was how kind I was. I am empathetic and try to understand“- I noticed your kindness and empathy in your interactions with me over the years, and with other responders in your threads.

“I do not think I overreact normally, initially yes, when things were unsure and turbulent. I feel she imprinted that image of me being over sensitive when we started dating“-

– so, right in the beginning of the 5.5 -year relationship, things were turbulent. This fits with your Oct 18, 2018 post of a bit over 5.5 years ago: “I have decided to take a break from her… it’s been a few days since I stopped contacting her, its a bit uneasy at times. but I think this is the right move”.

“She said I brought her new perspective and I am someone whom she typically does not interact with, it is as if I gave her another world to be in“- I wonder if she said this in the beginning of the relationship when things were turbulent, or later, at times of relative stability. I wonder whom she typically interacts with: unempathetic/ unkind people, or less sensitive/ less reactive people?

“Most of the time when I am at home with her, I am very silly and funny… But somehow, I can still sense she is very cautious of what I say and tip toes. It is as if she needs to ‘deal’ with me, so she acts in a certain way or do certain things… I do occasionally overreact“- occasional overreacting creates more of an impression on a person than silly-and-funny most of the time.

I remember my mother complaining to me that I remember “only the bad”, as she said, that is that I forgot or unfairly put aside all the good things about her, and remember only the times she screamed/ insulted/ hit me. I used to feel guilty about her accusation. Eventually, I understood that it is natural for any animal to focus on danger when danger is present, and not on non-dangers. For example, a deer sensing a predator in the area, will stand there motionless, transfixed, looking at the direction of the perceived danger: not eating, not walking, not anything.

“I do lack the habit of expressing“- habits are difficult to change, but changing this emotional- behavioral habit is very important for your well-being.

“I have picked up running again, and I did it 4 consecutive days…  it helps me to regulate my emotions“- excellent!

“Just now I had an angry feeling. Primarily because after I told her about my mom, she didn’t reach out to check on me. I feel like any ordinary friend would check on me“- when angry, you forget that you are on a break which you initiated and agreed to.

“she would think I am clingy? I don’t honour the promise?“- yes, at times you are clingy, particularly during this break, and yes: you are not honoring the break you agreed to.

“I  thought of breaking up with her just to end things… I just don’t want the situation to continue I guess. I wish it can end, even if it meant breaking up. Just now I took a deep breath and just distracted myself with other stuff“- no doubt this break is very, very difficult for you, you are suffering. Possible solutions: (1) make what you fear (a breakup) happen already, so that you no longer suffer anticipating it- the relief will be temporary, (2) contact her during the (dishonored) break yet again- the relief will be temporary (as it was the first time you contacted her), (3) address the source of your suffering, which is about a time before you ever knew that your girlfriend existed. Address the core of the wound that’s bleeding in you- the relief will be permanent.

“For now, if I can initiate a break up this is something I can control…. this is something I don’t have control of…. I think I always have an option to make it a stop if I really want to“- I am thinking of you growing up with a severe lack of control: couldn’t control the people walking by the broken window in the bathroom and seeing you naked while showering (couldn’t make them STAY AWAY from the broken window!) Couldn’t control being forced to have breakfast with your father,  couldn’t control being exposed to his angry explosions, (couldn’t make him STOP!)

No wonder lack of control is so distressing to you!

anita