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anitaParticipantDear Elizabeth:
It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into tonight’s conversation, and your plan to use “I” statements and focus on your needs is a great approach. Reassuring your husband of your love and framing your choice as something that makes the trip easier for him is both kind and thoughtful.
I know you’re worried about how his family will react and how he might handle it, but the Serenity Prayer can be a helpful guide here: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
You’re doing everything you can to express yourself clearly and set healthy boundaries. The rest—like his family’s reaction—is out of your control. Trust in your strength and wisdom, and know you’re handling this with grace.
Good luck tonight, and please let me know how it goes. I’m here for you.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Chris:
Thank you for sharing such a meaningful moment. It sounds like sitting under that tree and letting your emotions out was a truly healing experience. Sometimes, we don’t even realize how much we’ve been holding in until we let it out— and nature has a way of helping us do that.
I can only imagine how deeply ingrained compartmentalization must have become for you during your deployment. It’s understandable that those patterns stayed with you afterward, but it’s so encouraging to hear that these last few weeks have brought positivity and moments of release. It’s a testament to your resilience and your willingness to embrace your emotions that you’ve been able to find this sense of clarity and renewal.
The way you described the stranger’s understanding reminds me of how shared humanity can show itself in small, unexpected ways. It’s comforting to think about how those quiet moments of vulnerability— whether in nature or here in this forum— can bring so much relief and connection.
I hope this new chapter continues to bring you more of these moments of peace and self-discovery. Please know that I’m here to listen and support you however I can.
anita
anitaParticipantTyping as I think (no editing): I remember very well feeling that “soul anger” early on and for years, anger at having been severely abused on the emotional front, as a child, a teenager and onward, by.. you guessed who. But I never felt comfortable with that valid anger, that valid soul anger.
“How can one feel comfortable with anger? Especially with intense anger?”, a voice in my analytical brain asks?
And of course, I have to answer the voice even before I know the answer: because.. because.. oh, the question was “How?”, not “Why?”. Well.. it’s about being comfortable with experiencing these “hot” emotions (you used the word “hot”, peter). Although I never felt comfortable experiencing “hot emotions” of any kind, well, hardly ever, I believe that it is possible to feel comfortable with feeling hot emotions. It’s possible when there’s no judgment of self attached to the hot emotions.
Befriending my soul anger in regard to my mother’s severe abuse of me means telling this anger: welcome! I am glad you are here. Like a soldier that tried to get my attention all these years, telling me something like: “I am here to protect you! I am here FOR you! I will fight for you!”
Instead of appreciating you, soldier-soul-anger, instead of being grateful to you, I court martialed you!
No, no, no: I was wrong. I am so sorry, soldier-soul-anger. I am sorry I mistreated you. I hear your message now. You cared for me, about me, all along. Thank you, thank you forever more.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Chris:
Thanks for sharing your update. It’s so good to hear that things are looking up for you! I’m glad you’ve found some relief knowing your case won’t hold you back anymore. That Thai language program and the opportunity with Fit Corp Asia both sound really exciting—I’ll keep my fingers crossed for your interview! (🤞🏼)
Your monk’s advice, “Storms never last,” is such a powerful reminder, and it’s clear that you’ve lived through some very tough times. The strength and resilience you’ve shown, not just in moving forward but also in letting go of the past, is really inspiring.
It’s amazing to see how much you’ve grown and how confident you feel about handling whatever challenges come next. I hope your new path brings you the peace, acceptance, and fresh start you deserve.
Wishing you all the best in this next chapter of your journey. I’m here if you ever want to share more.
anita
anitaParticipantHi Everyone:
I will be processing, researching, and studying what you wrote here, Peter:
“I feel that for relationship to be strengthened by anger it’s when the energy of anger is dissipated and primary emotion acknowledged. My observation is that it takes time to allow the energy of anger to dissipate before the primary emotion can be felt, acknowledged and addressed… If a relationship becomes stronger after anger, was it anger that was expressed respectfully, or was anger acknowledged, and the primary emotion addressed. I think I’m getting lost in language and the difference doesn’t matter.”
It seems to me that you’re making a distinction between anger and primary emotions. As you likely know, primary emotions are the basic, universal emotions that humans are wired to feel, regardless of culture or upbringing. These include anger, fear, sadness, joy, surprise, and disgust—innate emotions that serve evolutionary purposes. For instance, anger can signal a threat to boundaries or rights, motivating action to protect oneself.
In contrast, secondary emotions are more complex and shaped by individual experiences, beliefs, and cultural factors. These emotions often emerge when we reflect on or interpret primary emotions and include feelings like guilt, shame, envy, and pride. Secondary emotions often build on primary emotions—for example, guilt might stem from sadness about hurting someone.
Anger, while typically considered a primary emotion because of its instinctive and universal nature, can sometimes act as a secondary emotion. For instance, anger might emerge secondarily when deeper emotions like hurt, fear, or shame remain unprocessed. In such cases, anger becomes a reaction to those underlying feelings rather than a direct response to the immediate situation.
Your post touches on this distinction when you mentioned anger potentially masking “primary emotions” like fear or shame. While I agree that anger can sometimes be a cover for deeper feelings, I wonder if you might be dismissing anger when it isn’t secondary—when it is instead a direct and valid response to something significant.
When seen as a primary emotion, anger can serve as a healthy and protective force—one that doesn’t necessarily isolate but can motivate action, reinforce boundaries, and even strengthen relationships. I’d love to hear your thoughts on whether you think there’s a place for viewing anger this way as part of your exploration of its role in relationships and self-awareness.
You mentioned earlier: “I don’t think I can be friends with anger.” Personally, in my evolving understanding, I feel strongly that anger—when it arises as a primary emotion—is my friend. It’s a friend I was estranged from for far too long and one I am actively learning to befriend.
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Clara?
anita
anitaParticipantStill here for you, anonymous 😊
anita
anitaParticipantThinking about you this morning, Chris. How are you?
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you these days, Tom?
anita
March 13, 2025 at 10:10 am in reply to: The phenomenon of “helping someone excessively can make them turn against you” #444114anitaParticipantThinking about you, Arden, wondering how you are doing?
anita
anitaParticipant* I was thinking…
anitaParticipantDear Drew:
was thinking about our last exchange and wondered how things have been going for you. Did you get a chance to see your GP and discuss the ideas we talked about? I hope your strategy was well-received and that you’re making headway.
No pressure to share if you’d rather keep things private—I just wanted to check in and let you know I’m still here if you’d like to chat or need any further help.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Elizabeth:
I revisited your original post this morning, and once again, I’m struck by how thoughtfully and rationally you recount events and emotions. You demonstrate such a deep understanding of your feelings, needs, and limitations— clear hallmarks of self-awareness. Despite the frustrations you’ve faced, you don’t let them cloud your perspective. Instead, you thoughtfully acknowledge others’ viewpoints, even when they hurt or challenge you, like your husband’s denial about his family or his defensiveness. This level of balance and emotional strength truly stands out.
I imagine that the decades of psychotherapy you mentioned have played a role in cultivating these strengths, and it’s clear how deeply you care about preserving both your well-being and your relationships.
That said, I can hear how difficult and exhausting it must feel if your husband remains dismissive or critical (“I don’t want to spend the last couple of decades of my life hearing about this”) even when you’ve expressed your feelings with kindness and honesty. You’ve already done so much to balance your own needs while maintaining your marriage, and I hope you give yourself credit for all the effort you’ve put into this.
You mentioned being worried about a rift in your marriage, and I wonder— what does that look like for you? Is it the fear of ongoing tension, repeated criticism, or something more lasting? Exploring this might help bring clarity to what you need most right now—whether that’s reassurance, support, or even space to focus on your peace of mind.
At the end of the day, you deserve understanding and compassion—not ongoing criticism. Prioritizing your emotional safety is not selfish, even if it means standing firm in the face of negativity. You’ve already shown remarkable strength in navigating these challenges, and I believe in your ability to continue advocating for yourself.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Elizabeth:
You’re very welcome. I can see how hard this situation is for you, especially with your husband not fully supporting your needs. It’s tough to express yourself when you feel dismissed, but you absolutely deserve to set boundaries for your health and well-being.
If trying to get him to fully understand feels too frustrating, you might focus on calmly stating your decision in a way that’s clear and firm, while avoiding blame or conflict. Here’s an approach you could try:
State your decision clearly: Instead of asking for his agreement, let him know what you’ve decided in a calm, matter-of-fact way. For example: “I’ve thought about the wedding a lot, and I’ve decided I can’t go. It’s just too much for my health right now.”
Acknowledge his feelings: Reassure him that you understand it’s important to him and that you’re not trying to create problems. For example: “I know this wedding is important to you, and I completely support you going. I hope you can understand that I need to take care of myself too.”
Deflect pressure kindly but firmly: If he tries to push back or argue, calmly repeat your decision without engaging in debate. For example: “I hear what you’re saying, but this is the best choice for me. I’ll do everything I can to make it easier for you to go and enjoy the wedding.”
Focus on solutions: Show that you’re willing to help with logistics or support him, even if you’re not attending. For example: “I’ll help you pack and get ready for the trip, and I’ll send my best wishes to the happy couple. Let me know how else I can make this easier for you.”
By sticking to this calm, respectful approach, you’re not trying to convince him or seek his full understanding—you’re simply stating your boundary and offering support for him to attend without you.
You’re doing the right thing by standing up for yourself. Take care of your health and peace of mind—you deserve it!
(I will be away from the computer for a few hours).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Elizabeth:
First off, I want to say that you’ve been really strong in handling so much— your health, emotions, and challenging family dynamics. You’ve done a lot for others, and it’s okay to put yourself first now.
It’s completely valid to not want to attend the wedding, especially since it could harm your well-being. You don’t owe anyone more than what you’ve already given.
Here’s a way you could approach the conversation with your husband:
Start by showing you care about his feelings: “I know this wedding is important to you, and I support you going.”
Share your reasons calmly: “For me, attending would be too much with my health and how I’ve been feeling lately. The loud, crowded space and food situation make it hard for me.”
Reassure him you’re not trying to create conflict: “I want to help you get ready to go, but I need to stay back to take care of myself.”
Stand firm with kindness: “I hope we can respect each other’s choices on this and not let it cause any tension between us.”
Let him know you’ll send your love and support from home, and maybe add a personal note or gesture for the couple.
Spend the time he’s away doing something relaxing or fun for yourself.
Remember, you’ve done more than enough over the years to keep the peace. It’s okay to protect your own health and peace of mind now. Sending you strength and support!
anita
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