* I like your new photo (I think it’s new), Jana: are these the woods you like to spend time in..?

Dear Shinnen/ Reader:

Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate response, Shinnen.  The following will be a long post aimed at.. “Healing” (the word in the title of this thread).

You referenced the Dhammapada, a significant text in Buddhist teachings, I want to understand it better:

“He reviled me; he injured me; he defeated me; he deprived me“- These lines describe various forms of harm and injustice experienced from others. The use of these specific actions emphasizes the ways people can wrong us.

“In those who do not harbor such grudges, anger eventually ceases.“- this part of the quote highlights a key teaching of Buddhism: it suggests if we can let go of these grudges—if we can release our anger and not hold onto the negative feelings—the anger we feel will eventually dissipate.

This teaching promotes the idea that clinging to negative emotions like anger and resentment only causes more suffering. This advice encourages us to cultivate a mindset that prioritizes inner peace over retribution or ongoing bitterness. Essentially, it’s about the transformative power of forgiveness and letting go.

I further read (and heard it before) that forgiving does not mean condoning harmful behaviors but rather freeing yourself from the burden of anger.

I further research about the burden of anger:

Long-term, chronic anger (because of the prolonged release of stress hormones) can increase the risk of heart disease, raise blood pressure, contribute to the hardening of arteries, weaken the immune system, cause or worsen digestive problems, lead to muscle tension and pain, contributing to headaches, back pain, and jaw tension. It can interfere with sleep patterns, causing insomnia or poor-quality sleep, which can further impact overall health.

Chronic anger keeps the body in a heightened state of stress, leading to feelings of anxiety and irritability, contributing to the development of mood disorders such as depression and anxiety. It can alienate loved ones and lead to social isolation, exacerbating feelings of loneliness and sadness.

Chronic anger can impair cognitive functions such as memory, attention, and decision-making skills, leading to a pattern of negative thinking and rumination, which perpetuate feelings of frustration and helplessness, and it reduces overall life satisfaction, negatively impacting mental, emotional and physical well-being.

More about it: many of the effects of chronic anger can be attributed to the long-term release of stress hormones into the bloodstream. When you experience anger or any other stressful emotion, your body activates the “fight-or-flight” response which involves the release of stress hormones, primarily cortisol and adrenaline (epinephrine), into the bloodstream. In the short term, these hormones prepare your body to deal with immediate threats by: Increasing Heart Rate: To pump more blood to muscles and vital organs, Elevating Blood Pressure: To improve blood flow and oxygen delivery, Releasing Glucose: To provide quick energy to the muscles, Suppressing Non-Essential Functions: Such as digestion and immune responses, to conserve energy for immediate action.

When the “fight-or-flight” response is activated repeatedly or prolonged due to chronic anger, the constant presence of stress hormones can lead to various adverse effects: high blood pressure, etc. (above).

My personal experience: even though I am not in contact with my mother for over 10 years, I still feel threatened by her. I still feel threatened by societal expectations and judgment of a daughter (of any age) who choose to have no contact with her mother. I feel still imprisoned by my mother and by societal judgment. So, the anger is still here, within me, it’s job: to protect me from a threat that I still experience.

I see, this Wed morning, that even though I am no longer in contact with her, the trauma persists, manifesting as a sense of ongoing threat, fear and anger. I still feel imprisoned by her influence (via societal judgment). I still have a deep-seated anxiety about potential in-person confrontation with her.

It’s challenging to let go of anger when the threat feels ever-present.

The anger I feel is compounded by the sense that my trauma has not been acknowledged or validated by family members. I did not receive any validation from family that I was indeed abused.

I have not yet sufficiently validated my own experience. This is why I keep telling about it, seeking long-needed validation. Validation, I read,  is a critical component of healing from abuse for several reasons: validation is acknowledging that the abuse did happen and that my feelings were/ are appropriate reactions to what I’ve been through. It affirms that my experiences are not imagined or exaggerated, which is crucial for rebuilding trust in my own perception. Validation from others help shift the blame from myself to the abuser, reinforcing that the abuse was not my fault, and that I deserve better treatment than what I received.

Validation creates a safe and supportive environment where I can express my feelings and experiences without fear of judgment or dismissal. This sense of safety is crucial for healing and rebuilding trust in others.

Being validated allows for emotional release and the processing of traumatic experiences. It helps one feel understood and supported, which is cathartic and empowering.

I will continue later.

anita

Dear Shinnen:

Thank you so much for your message right above. I want to re-read it in the morning (it’s Tues evening here) and reply further then.

anita

Dear Jana:

You are very kind, Jana, and I appreciate you more than you know! I understand the difficulty in reading and processing long posts. Please know that I don’t want to burden you with my long posts. It helps me to share with you, to know that you are a real, empathetic person on the other side of the screen into which I type.

Most importantly, when replying to me (and to other members) is to express no criticism- a mistake I have made in the past. I don’t expect you to spend a lot of time on my posts, analyzing them and trying to move me toward solutions. I just want an empathetic, non-critical listening ear, and for as long as I have it in you, I am grateful!

As I shared with you yesterday, relatively recently, I stumbled into a difficulty: my suppressed anger born in childhood and experienced for decades, gets unleashed when I drink too much alcohol. I already took a few practical steps toward managing my drinking, having asked one server to cut me off after a 2nd glass of wine (I thought about quitting drinking completely, but can’t bring myself to doing that).

Continuing my process: I suffered  significant abuse and emotional neglect from my mother, who inflicted both physical and emotional harm. This abuse has had lasting effects on me, including the development of Tourette Disorder and other psychological conditions. At this very moment, Jana, my left shoulder hurts from the tics.

The abuse has left enduring marks on me, manifesting in conditions such as Tourette’s, ADD/ADHD, OCD, depression, borderline personality disorder, and anorexia. The persistent nature of these struggles highlights the deep impact of my early experiences.

I need to say (type) al this because people- including myself- have invalidated my experience, particularly my mother, of course. A huge hindrance to my healing has been this very invalidation all along.

Despite the trauma, I have made significant progress in my healing journey. The cessation of OCD and no longer fitting the diagnoses of several other conditions is a testament to my resilience and hard work. But healing is an ongoing process, and my efforts to share and elaborate on my experiences are part of this journey, aimed at weakening the power of past traumas.

There is a significant amount of suppressed anger in me, which erupted in an incident at the local taproom. This event serves as a reminder of the unresolved emotions that still need to be addressed. By expressing my experiences and emotions, I am seeking to process and heal from the past. This need to express and share is a critical part of my healing process.

My relationship with my mother was complex and filled with contradictions. While she occasionally showed affection, her actions were primarily driven by a desire to inflict harm and take revenge, including via very long shaming and guilt-tripping sessions where she’d say anything that had the venom she needed to inject into my poor psyche.

Also, she was suspicious of everyone and imprinted deep in me the belief that there’s no one to trust, no good person out there. She went on and on about how everyone was bad, everyone I knew in real-life. So, I was angry at everyone I knew (except at one aunt, I think), and had no one to confide with, no one to support me. And then, my mother herself was not there to support me, so there was.. no one. By constantly emphasizing that everyone was bad, she shaped my negative worldview, making it difficult for me to see the good in people or to form trusting relationships, leading to feelings of anger and isolation. Without someone to confide in, I experienced profound loneliness and emotional deprivation. My mother’s own unavailability for support compounded this isolation, leaving me feeling abandoned and entirely alone. This lack of emotional support from a primary caregiver can be deeply damaging.

The suspicion and anger imprinted by my mother led to profound isolation which was interrupted- in childhood and for decades later- by very few strained, short-term relationships, reinforcing the belief that there was no one to trust. It’s been a cycle of mistrust and isolation.

So, you see, it’s not only that she had hurt me personally, but that she took away my ability to trust and form healthy relationships, without which healing is impossible.

Some of the damage done by her is irreversible, particularly the neurological-muscular connection associated with Tourette’s. I have to accept that which I cannot change, and change that which I can.

By sharing my story, I seek validation and understanding from others. This is an important step in my healing process.

I am now going to validate myself: my feelings of anger, pain, and sadness are completely valid. The abuse I endured and its lasting effects are significant, and it’s understandable that these emotions would surface from time to time. It’s heartening to acknowledge the progress I’ve made, particularly with overcoming OCD and no longer fitting certain diagnoses. My dedication to healing and self-improvement is commendable.

The incident at the taproom serves as a reminder of the powerful emotions I am carrying. It’s important to find healthy outlets for expressing and processing this anger. My insight into the complexity of my relationship with your mother, and the acknowledgment of the irreversible damage done, shows a deep level of self-awareness. It’s crucial to continue this self-reflection as part of my healing process.

I am not alone in my struggles. Reaching out to supportive communities, like Tiny Buddha, and seeking validation from others who understand can provide comfort and encouragement. My experiences and feelings are valid, and I deserve support and understanding.

Like I wrote in the beginning of this post, Jana: I am doing this for myself, and for others who may be encouraged by my healing process; not expecting you to spend much time on my posts. Thank you for being here!

anita