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anita

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Viewing 15 posts - 421 through 435 (of 3,485 total)
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  • in reply to: Why Telling Survivors to ‘Get Over It’ Is Harmful #445711
    anita
    Participant

    Peter—do we share this in common? A Life Unlived? (Of course, no pressure to answer.)

    Others—do we share this in common? Living too little because truly living was inconvenient for someone close, yet somehow distant?

    It amazes me how people hurt people—with no real benefit, no lasting gain. Just a fleeting moment of satisfaction in seeing someone else suffer.

    Sometimes I wonder: Is sadism, in its subtler forms—not the exaggerated, villainous kind we see in movies—actually a part of everyday life? Is it business as usual?

    And I can’t help but ask— Is telling someone “Get over it” when they are hurting and deserving of empathy a subtle form of sadism?

    anita

    in reply to: Why Telling Survivors to ‘Get Over It’ Is Harmful #445710
    anita
    Participant

    I am not getting Over it. I am going through it.

    in reply to: Why Telling Survivors to ‘Get Over It’ Is Harmful #445709
    anita
    Participant

    It is working for me, it is healing me, these stream of consciousness writings in the evenings.

    – Trigger Warning; Insanity, Abuse.

    I remember very well saying to myself when I was in my late teens or early 20s, that if I get to live one day without guilt, then my life would be worth it.

    The guilt I referred to was the guilt over destroying my mother’s life. I was sure that I did because she told me so, she showed me so- crying and wailing and complaining histrionically, endlessly, about how I hurt her. She showed me her wrists that one time, or maybe more than one time, telling me that’s where she’d cut herself and bleed to death.. because of me.

    I remember very well walking with her on the street and her threatening to jump in front of a truck and get herself killed.. because of me, because I said something wrong.

    Fast forward to today, I understand that I was not guilty after all, no matter how many times she told me that I was.

    It feels good, a relief, a huge burden off me.

    I wish she didn’t guilt-trip me, and doing so massively, frequently, heavily. My life would have been so much better for it.

    Oh, the shame too. If she didn’t shame me so thoroughly.. my life would have been so much better for it.

    Shackled by shame and guilt didn’t make for a good life.

    It’s a lot of loss, lots of life unlived. Life others lived. Not me.

    It’s hard for me still to believe that my own mother had it in her to knowingly hurt me and enjoy it- that mild but undeniable smile on her face after she shot some especially spicy shaming words at me.

    And yet, I loved her all along.

    This is My Truth, My Story.

    I am not Get Over it. I am going through it.

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    I thought it was you on the right, looking shy, The young woman on the left looks more bold extroverted. Am I correct?

    You mentioned that you wre shy with the guy.

    Anita

    anita
    Participant

    I was wondering, Adalie, in regard to the photo: are you the person in the right or the left?

    anita

    in reply to: Why Telling Survivors to ‘Get Over It’ Is Harmful #445704
    anita
    Participant

    Somehow the original post disappeared. I am resubmitting it here:

    There is a common belief that suffering from childhood abuse is a choice—that an adult either decides to “hold onto it” OR “move on” and “let go.” Some see prolonged emotional pain as a failure of resilience or strength, assuming that healing is simply a matter of willpower.

    Why this belief exists:

    * Lack of Understanding of Trauma – Many people don’t realize how deeply childhood abuse affects the brain, body, and emotions, often for a lifetime. Trauma isn’t just a memory—it’s wired into the nervous system, shaping a person’s emotional responses, relationships, and sense of self. It cannot simply be “let go of” by deciding to do so.

    * Societal Narratives About Strength – “Moving on” is often glorified as proof of strength, while struggling with pain is wrongly viewed as weakness. In reality, working through trauma is an ongoing process—not a switch to flip off.

    * Discomfort with Emotional Depth – People who haven’t experienced deep trauma may not understand its lasting effects. They may feel frustrated or helpless when someone continues to suffer, leading them to judge rather than empathize.

    The reality of healing:

    * Healing is not a choice—it’s a process. Trauma creates neurological and psychological wounds that cannot be erased with pure effort.

    * Telling someone they “choose” to suffer dismisses their reality and can make them feel shame for struggling with pain that wasn’t their fault to begin with.

    * Blaming survivors deepens their pain and often prolongs their suffering—empathy supports healing far more than judgment ever could.

    * Trauma recovery is complex. Some wounds resurface even after years of therapy, and healing is never linear—it requires time, safety, and sometimes professional support.
    Reframing the Narrative:

    * Survivors do not “choose” to stay stuck. More often than not, they are working incredibly hard to heal, even if it isn’t visible to others.

    * Acknowledging the impact of trauma does not mean someone is “dwelling” or “refusing to move on”—it means they are recognizing their pain so they can heal from it.

    * Healing happens at its own pace—not on a timeline set by others who don’t fully understand the experience.

    * Healing is not about flipping a switch—it’s about rewiring old wounds, creating safety, and finding stability in new ways.
    How to Respond to Misguided Beliefs:

    *If someone says, “You’re choosing to suffer,” reframe: “I’m working through layers of healing, and that takes time.”

    * Trauma is not a reflection of weakness—struggling with it does not mean you’ve failed.

    * Strength isn’t about “getting over it” quickly—it’s about continuing to show up for yourself, even when healing feels messy.

    * If someone minimizes your pain, it’s okay to distance yourself or assert your needs: “I need support, not judgment. My healing is valid.”

    * Surrounding yourself with people who respect your journey is crucial.

    Letting Go, what it really means:

    * Letting go isn’t about erasing trauma—it’s about learning to live with it in a way that doesn’t control you. Instead of trying to force healing, ask:

    “How can I create safety, self-compassion, and peace within myself today?”

    ** Your healing belongs to you—not to those who tell you how quickly you should move on or what suffering “should” look like. You are already moving forward simply by acknowledging your wounds and working to understand them 💙

    anita

    in reply to: Why Telling Survivors to ‘Get Over It’ Is Harmful #445703
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peter:

    I’m truly sorry that you felt unsafe or silenced 😔

    When I said, “If you have nothing supportive to say, dear reader, don’t say anything at all. Don’t rain on my parade,” I was setting a boundary against dismissive comments. I was thinking about a rude and dismissive response I received in another thread recently—but I never meant to shut down thoughtful, respectful discussions.

    You have always been kind and considerate—not dismissive or rude, not to me, not to anyone. I deeply value your perspective, and I want this to be a space where we can engage openly and honestly.

    Of course, no one is perfect, and I don’t expect every response to be 100% validating or kind. I’m certainly not 100% anything myself. What truly frustrates me are comments that go out of their way to be rude.

    I also find it so interesting that you received criticism for letting go, while I received criticism for the opposite. If a dialogue on detachment and letting go feels meaningful to you, I’d love to explore it together. What aspects of the practice do you feel are most misunderstood?

    And one more thing—you are amazing, Peter. Please know that your voice is always welcome here. 💙

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alessa:

    Thank you for trusting me with this question. ❤️

    I could have written what you shared myself: “My instinctive bond with my biological mother was damaged to the point that I no longer felt it toward her. I learned to not come to her for any reason and avoid her as much as possible. As a young teen, I began to hate her.”- Same here.

    It was only recently, through my writings on tiny buddha, that I reconnected with the love I had for her before the Damage (I’m emphasizing your word “damaged” with a capital D). It truly surprised me.

    Not only did I rediscover the love I had for her before the Damage, but I realized that I loved her all along. Before, during, and after the Damage, that love remained, even though I thought for years that I hated her.

    For me, the Damage was the Betrayal—the betrayal of a child’s natural, necessary trust in the mother. The shock of it, the raw trauma of realizing I was not safe in her hands. It must have been overwhelming.

    Yet, the love I feel for her now does not mean trust. It does not mean there is a bond. It does not mean the anger is gone. This love is not even something I chose—it simply is.

    Healing from this early-life Betrayal of Trust, for me, means honoring the trust others place in me. If someone trusts me, I do my best to be worthy of that trust. That realization—that honoring others’ trust matters so deeply to me—is something I’ve only fully embraced in the past few months.

    When my mother betrayed my natural trust as a child, it created deep pain—an emotional rupture where safety, reliability, and connection were lost. By choosing to honor trust in my own relationships, I am learning to actively shape trust in my life. I am no longer at the mercy of someone else’s choices—I decide to be someone who is reliable and safe.

    Honoring trust shifts the focus from pain to purpose—proving that despite past betrayal, I am capable of trust and connection. Caring about trust is an act of healing, growth, and self-repair.

    I just remembered, Alessa—long ago, you mentioned that you are a very loyal person, and those words stayed with me. Now, I find myself wondering—are you loyal to yourself? Do you honor the trust that little-girl Alessa placed in grown-up Alessa?

    I’m asking myself the same question. And the answer? Yes—though it’s a very recent realization for me, and it has made a huge difference. In the past, little-girl Anita was strangely silent, almost muted. But now, she speaks from time to time, offering me valuable insights that I could never find anywhere else.

    Being loyal to myself is a new journey—one that is still unfolding. It means respecting my own needs and feelings rather than ignoring them, standing up for myself, keeping promises to myself, being honest with myself, choosing what’s best for me instead of just pleasing others, and ultimately, supporting myself no matter what.

    Looking back at your post, you said to me, “Stay true to yourself! You are the expert in your own needs.”-

    Where do you feel you are right now, in terms of being true to yourself and understanding what you need? Has that awareness grown for you over time?

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    How are you, S?

    anita

    in reply to: Creating Meaningful Relationships #445698
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Omyk?

    anita

    in reply to: Struggling to settle in new role #445697
    anita
    Participant

    Thinking of you, Tom. How are you?

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Adalie?

    anita

    in reply to: The After (Math) #445695
    anita
    Participant

    Thinking of you, Laven, and looking forward to hearing from you.

    anita

    in reply to: Why Telling Survivors to ‘Get Over It’ Is Harmful #445683
    anita
    Participant

    More: wondering, curious about what might come next, the Truth:

    The Truth being that we are all little boys and little girls running in the playground, wanting, needing to be Part Of- Part of the Whole.

    It’s Monday night here.

    What time is it where you are at?

    The ISOLATION, the emotional isolation is the root of all evil- says I.

    What do you say?

    We are not meant to be isolated, no, not the social species that we are.

    What I wrote right above is It, the root of all social ills: the isolation of a social species.

    It’d be okay for turtles to be somewhat isolated.

    But not for us, humans. We are genetically meant to be Together, which makes Alone very painful, unnatural.

    anita

    in reply to: Moving on from the past break up #445682
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, always, Clara. Tell mw more when you are ready, when you can.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 421 through 435 (of 3,485 total)