How are you, Peter?

Dear John, Peter, All: I want to correct the sentence I wrote yesterday after a Thanksgiving feast and enough wine to mess up the structure of my question, so here it is corrected: How can you and I, Shinnen- how can we- can we make the world a better place, just a bit, just a bit.. can we, Shinnen?

Your sentence yesterday: “I often feel that..  I am the ephemeral seeking the eternal” is often attributed to Nikos Kazantzakis, a Greek writer and philosopher who explored themes of the human condition, and the search for meaning. I want to look further into it this Friday morning:

On one hand, we humans are ephemeral, meaning short-lived, transient, temporary, our human life and experiences are brief and constantly changing,

On the other hand, we are seeking the eternal, meaning something that is everlasting, unchanging, and infinite, something that is timeless and permanent. We want to find or connect with something that transcends our fleeting existence: something enduring and everlasting.

There is a contrast between the temporary nature of human life (the ephemeral) and the longing for something permanent, a sense of continuity and meaning beyond our human lives (the eternal).

* The longing for something eternal is a common thread in many religions, involving the belief in an afterlife or a state of existence beyond the physical world, providing hope (and fear) and meaning to followers: Heaven or Hell for Christians, Paradise (Jannah), or hell (Jahannam) for Muslims, Moksha (liberation from the cycle of birth and death, merging with the divine essence, Brahman) for Hindus, Nirvana for Buddhist.

Back to Nikos Kazantzakis, I read that he did not believe in heaven or hell. Instead, he focused on the idea of striving for personal growth and meaning in the present life, living fully in the moment without relying on the hope of an afterlife.

He wrote: “To live, to err, to fall, to triumph, to create life out of life“, emphasizing the importance of experiencing life fully, embracing both successes and failures as part of personal growth.

He wrote: “I hope for nothing. I fear nothing. I am free“- he doesn’t hope for heaven (or nirvana), he doesn’t fear hell.. he is free to live without hope or fear.

He wrote: “For I realize today that it is a mortal sin to violate the great laws of nature. We should not hurry, we should not be impatient, but we should confidently obey the eternal rhythm“- he is saying that it’s a grave error or significant wrongdoing to of go against the fundamental, timeless, universal principles that govern the natural world. He advises against rushing through life or being impatient, behaviors that are contrary to the natural flow of things and lead to unnecessary stress and disorder. He recommends living in harmony with nature, following its pace, and not trying to force things.

Back to my question to you, Shinnen: I think that helping each other is part of the eternal rhythm because human beings are social creatures, and cooperation and mutual support are natural aspects of our existence. Helping others contributes to the overall harmony and balance within communities, reflecting the interconnectedness that is a fundamental aspect of life.

Empathy aligns with the idea of living in harmony with the natural order, fostering deeper connections and promotes a more compassionate and balanced world.

Not judging others, whenever, wherever possible and appropriate, allows for a more inclusive and understanding society, reducing conflict and encourages acceptance and harmony, which are key components of the eternal rhythm.

anita

Dear John:

‘Thanks Anita, I still lurk but don’t usually have anything to add, I noticed that I tend to repeat myself“- you are welcome, John. I repeat myself on a regular basis, what else is there for me to do..?

Please do come back and repeat; you are welcome to repeat here, John, anytime!

anita

May it be a Peaceful  Thanksgiving for you, Lulu, and for your family!

anita

How are you, Mahvash?

anita

Dear me:

Thanks for sharing an update. I can imagine how tough it must be for you right now, but I’m glad to read that your dad is starting to eat more. Every bit of progress counts.

It’s great that you’re looking ahead and setting goals for yourself, like getting fit and improving your financial situation. Those are positive steps that can help you feel more in control during this difficult time.

Money can definitely make a big difference in how we handle life’s challenges, and it’s clear you want to take better care of your dad and those around you. Just remember, it’s okay to take care of yourself too. Your well-being is crucial for you to be able to support others.

About the woman you mentioned, that sounds really frustrating. It’s hard when someone sends mixed signals and doesn’t respect your time. It’s good that you recognize the situation for what it is and aren’t letting it drag you down.

You’ve got a lot on your plate, but your determination to move forward and achieve your goals is inspiring. Keep pushing towards your dreams, and don’t hesitate to lean on people you can lean on.

Take care of yourself, and keep going strong.

anita

Dear Kane:

Your story is profoundly moving. It’s a reminder that our first loves shape us profoundly, and it is a testament to the human spirit’s capacity for growth and adaptation. It’s a reminder that while external advice and support are valuable, the true change comes from within.

I admire your ability to express such deep emotions and complex thoughts through your writing. Your journey, marked by resilience and the pursuit of love and meaning, is inspiring.

The boy’s primary desire is to love purely and genuinely, above all other pursuits. Despite experiencing pain, he continues to love. The pain of his first love compels him to explore other forms of love and interests, such as curiosity and learning. Despite new interests, his original love remains a central part of him.  The boy expresses that his ability to love is intrinsic to his being and purpose.

“Love has to be somewhere, to exist”-Love must have a focus or object to be real and meaningful.

“He loved to love“- the boy’s essence is defined by his capacity to love, which remains steadfast despite challenges.

“I went through nihilism, despite knowing what I wanted out of life”– you acknowledge a period of nihilism, where life seemed meaningless.

“Advice will only go as far as you’ll allow it”-Personal effort and willingness are essential for making meaningful changes.

“Seek out something to make that ember grow back to what it once was before: to love again”– The ultimate goal is to reignite the passion and love for life that may have been lost.

Your post is a profound exploration of the nature of love, personal growth, and the search for meaning. It combines a narrative with philosophical reflection to convey that love, in its many forms, is central to human existence. The story emphasizes resilience, the transformative power of love, and the importance of personal effort in overcoming adversity.

anita

Dear Kane:

You are welcome, good to read from you again!

“Removing the gift and abilities I have because of this damnable situation, its maddening”– reads like you feel that your family is stifling your talents and abilities, holding you back, and that is causing you significant distress and frustration.

“I can be so happy, I can even settle for a lesser happiness if I were to leave”– reads like you believe that your current environment/ family is the primary barrier to your happiness, and that leaving your family could lead to happiness.

“What they mean to me despite it all, and my need for a ‘family’ in my life is too much to sacrifice”– you acknowledge the importance of family and the emotional need for familial connections. But this need is preventing you from leaving, despite the negative impact on your well-being.

“I have sacrificed enough”– you express a profound sense of exhaustion and a feeling that you have already given up too much for the sake of connection to your family.

“They had lived unconsciously”–  you perceive your family as living without awareness/ intentionality, accepting societal norms and expectations without question.

“My family has adapted to the lifestyle of being okay with how they are cause they know no better”-you feel that your family has settled into a way of life that they have accepted because they are unaware of better alternatives. There’s a lack of aspiration for improvement.

“My mother knows no better, and can’t do no better, not only out of the little time she has supporting us, but of her energy and ability to”– you acknowledge that your mother is limited by her circumstances. She lacks the knowledge, time, energy, and ability to make significant changes,  due to the demands of supporting the family.

“My siblings are still lost in their search of finding what they want in life”– your siblings are struggling to find their direction and purpose in life. This search is ongoing and unresolved.

“In their search that is hurting those around them, each other, mom, and me”– your siblings’ quest for meaning is causing harm to those around them, including their mother,  their actions and behaviors are negatively affecting family dynamics.

“As they aren’t aware or choose to think enough to be aware enough”– you believe that your siblings either lack self-awareness or choose not to reflect deeply on their actions and their impact on others. This lack of awareness exacerbates the family’s struggles.

You are expressing frustration with your family’s acceptance of their current situation, which you view as stagnant and unaspiring. You recognizes that your mother is overburdened and limited by her circumstances, and your siblings are causing harm in their pursuit of direction due to their lack of self-awareness.

“My nature as a learner and curious kid saved and doomed me… I am so different”– your curiosity and desire to learn were both a source of salvation and suffering, making you different from your family, leading to feelings of isolation and conflict.

“I chose to take it at a conscious level every day”– you made a deliberate decision to live with awareness and intentionality, contrasting with what you see as your family’s unconscious way of living.

“Which was stomped on every day till I got in line like them“- despite your efforts to live consciously, you faced constant pressure and suppression from your family who wanted you to conform to their ways.

“As the damage prevented my wisdom and knowledge to have any effect outside of myself”– the psychological and emotional damage inflicted by your family’s suppression limited your ability to apply your wisdom and knowledge in the world, feeling frustrated about wasted potential, and not being able to make a difference.

You express a common, widespread conflict, a conflicts between Authenticity/ Individual Fulfilment and Conformity/ family Obligations.

How to solve this conflict? First, I suggest the following: identify your core values and shift your loyalty from loyalty to your family to => loyalty to your core values.

Prioritize Principles over Personalities.

Second, decide whether to leave your family. This decision is a deeply personal and complex decision that requires careful consideration. If staying is causing you significant emotional and psychological harm, and preventing you from pursuing your own growth, it might be necessary to leave.

Consider whether there is any possibility for improving the family dynamic through communication and setting boundaries. If efforts to create a healthier environment have been exhausted, leaving might be a viable option.

For the purpose of leaving, if that would be your decision, you’d need to ensure that you have a support network outside the family that can offer emotional and practical assistance during the transition.

If you decides to leave, it’s important to do so thoughtfully and respectfully: (1) Ensure this decision is made with clear understanding and not in the heat of emotion, (2) Have a practical plan in place for where you will go, how you will support yourself, and what steps to take for personal growth and well-being,

(3) Have an open and honest conversation with your family about your decision. Explain your feelings and reasons calmly and respectfully, (4) Acknowledge the positive aspects  of your family, and express gratitude for the support and love you have received. This can help preserve relationships and prevent feelings of animosity, (5) Let your family know what kind of contact you are comfortable with moving forward.

I will close this post with a poem I found online. It’s called: ” A Journey to Be Free

In the heart where dreams reside,                      A spirit waits to soar,

Through shadows dark and wide,                       To find an open door.

The weight of chains unspoken,                          Has held you long in place,

But now your heart, awoken,                               Seeks a new and boundless space.

With courage in your stride,                                And hope within your eyes,

You step beyond the tide,                                     To where your true self lies.

Though the path may twist and wind,               And fear may call you back,

In the strength of heart and mind,                     You’ll stay upon your track.

For in the journey lies your truth,                       In every step you take,

You’ll find the wisdom of your youth,                And dreams that will not break.

So go, with grace and fervor,                               Embrace the light ahead,

For in your quest for freedom,                            A vibrant life is spread.

And know, in every heartbeat,                             You carry all you need,

A spirit strong and steadfast,                               In every word and deed.”

anita

Dear Rising Flower:

You are welcome, and thank you for your kind words. There’s a smile on my face right now because of the sentiment behind your words.

“I’m not a great believer of God… but I believe there is a super power guiding this world”– you express a belief in a higher power, though not necessarily in a traditional religious sense. This belief influences your view that there is a force guiding your relationship.

“We broke up several times against my (and his) wishes from the past 12 years and still something is bringing us together”– Despite repeated breakups, you feel an inexplicable force that keeps reuniting you with L. This cycle suggests a strong, albeit tumultuous, emotional bond.

“This brings to another whole point… UNCONDITIONAL LOVE”– you acknowledge that your deep, unconditional love for him keeps you in the relationship despite his wrongdoings. This love is a double-edged sword, providing strength but also binding you to an unhealthy dynamic.

“Disregarding my feelings, making unreasonable requests… trying to control me”– you list several significant issues, including emotional neglect, unreasonable demands, and attempts to control you. These behaviors are detrimental to your well-being and autonomy.

“I did every possible thing to cut ties in my heart but… my heart is always excusing him”– Despite your efforts to move on, you find yourself continually making excuses for his behavior, unable to fully sever emotional ties.

“I have every damn good thing in my life to be happy, but I’m not… my heart is always excusing him”– you recognize the good aspects of your life but feel trapped in an emotional loop that prevents you from fully enjoying it. Your ongoing emotional conflict with L hinders your happiness.

“I began to lose hope on my personal life… while I’m emotionally strong and independent”– you are strong and independent..

A thought occurred to me just now for the first time. I’ll express it following bringing together some of the things you shared starting in your original post (I will boldface some of what you shared for emphasis): “I was married in an arranged setup… in my late twenties… as a naïve girl who never was into any kind of relationships to a very nice guy who is very kind and caring. I never had any issues with him… Within less than 2 years of my marriage I fell for a family friend…  So I walked out of my marriage… Even though L has done so many wrong things to me and my life, I’m still accepting him in my heart. It’s not even a matter of self-worth, I have several good men in my life who genuinely want to be in my life… it has been 11+ years into this relationship…  his circumstances are not allowing him to come into my life… being on an endless life loop.. I would be fine even if  I’m obsessive of him or have great burning desire to be with him at any cost…  I’m not even like that but just melts for his words and say yes… while I’m emotionally strong and independent“-

– Now in your late 30s, you had very little experience, overall, with romantic relationships, and none before your late 20s. When you finally got married (through arranged marriage, not by choice), despite being married to a kind and caring man, you found yourself making the drastic decision to leave your short marriage, going against your parents, friends and society. This indicates to me that you really, really wanted out of the marriage.

And then, despite recognizing the wrongs L has done, and being that L has not been available to marry you (being that he is married and lacking the moral fiber to do what’s right), you are still attached to him. This attachment keeps you safe from being in an active, ongoing romantic relationship.

There are available men interested in  you, but you are not interested in them. You are interested in an unavailable man.

You see herself as an emotionally strong and independent woman, and you are. Thing is, I think that an active, real-life romantic relationship with an available, trustworthy  man threatens your sense of strength and independence, therefore, you stayed away from any relationship into your late 20s, got married not by choice, and then shortly after, walked out of it and you remain attached- into your late 30s- to an unavailable and untrustworthy/ unreliable man.. so, to.. remain strong and independent.

You shared above that you are not obsessive of him and that you do not have great burning desire to be with him at any cost.. so, seems to me that his role in your life is to keep you away from a relationship with a trustworthy, available man, keeping yourself strong and independent as a single woman.

I think that L is someone who has served, over the last 11 years or so, to keep you emotionally occupied, so that you are not emotionally available to engage in a new relationship. This dynamic helps explain your continued attachment despite the downsides.

In general, many people who have been through difficult emotional experiences cultivate a strong sense of independence as a way to cope. They take pride in their ability to handle life on their own and see themselves as emotionally self-sufficient. Entering into a new, real-life relationship with an available and trustworthy partner can challenge this self-perception because being in a relationship often requires interdependence, where both partners rely on each other for emotional support. This can feel like a threat to their carefully constructed sense of independence.

Maintaining an attachment to an unavailable partner can provide a sense of control. The dynamics are predictable, and there’s a known distance that can be maintained. This control can feel safe and stable. A new relationship with an available and trustworthy person introduces unpredictability and the potential for deep emotional connection. This can be intimidating because it requires stepping out of the comfort zone and risking emotional exposure.

Any of this reads true to you, Rising Flower?

anita