Dear me:

I am sorry for bringing up the other thread, and I will not refer to it again. You are welcome to get your frustrations out here, on this thread. If you want a thread that’s free from my mention of the old thread, you can start a new one.

anita

Dear me:

* I am adding this note after a few hours of putting together this post, close to being ready to submit it. This might be a post that’s too long and too complex for you to be interested in reading through it. So, please feel free to read or not to read, to respond or not to respond, to all, or any part of it. (In the past, at times I sent you long replies, and it was okay with me back then when you didn’t respond to the content of those. it will be okay with me today as well, if this is your choice)! Here’s the long, complex post:

A little walk on memory lane: your first post on tiny buddha and my first reply to you were on Sept 18, 2016: we were both EIGHT years younger!  In the first 2 days of our communication, you expressed this: “I believe I’m supposed to suffer… I feel I deserve the pain I am getting… Just a feeling I’ve always had“. I offered, but you didn’t want to look into this core-belief that you are supposed to suffer.

You shared something very meaningful, very profound about staying away from people because you didn’t feel worthy of people’s time and companionship, and about putting on a happy mask to hide the sadness inside (Dec 7, 2016): “I never think I’m worth anyone’s time. People invite me to do things with them sometimes but I normally decline. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t feel worthy of being around people. I’m stuck here at my PC being miserable all the time, wishing I was someone else, but it’s a habit at this point. Girls think I’m fun to be around and I’m always making them laugh, guys always seem to like being around me, but I don’t like being around me. I can have the biggest smile, turn around and walk away only to have the biggest frown and go completely quiet… filled with nothing but hate for myself, all in the blink of an eye. So I just lock myself away in my room, it’s better this way”, Dec 7, 2016.

You mentioned growing up with little to no love, and some hate (Dec 20, 2016): “My mom never gave a sh** about me… My dad and what he’s done, plus he tells me… like I’m nothing and how I ain’t a loss“.

You shared that you experienced depression and loneliness, and, at the time of the quote that follows, a desire for closeness with people (Dec 2, 2018): “By loneliness I mean I don’t have anybody I am close to, just sit around at home all day being depressed. I had my first taste of being close to another person and now that’s all I want is to be close to people, maybe not romantically but like super close friendships. Being around people that make me feel awesome!“.

Your last post on your old 68-page thread was on Feb 5, 2024: “I’ll be retiring this thread, maybe I’ll start a new thread… Anyway big changes for me for 2024…“.

Fast forward 6 months and 23 days to Aug 28, 2024,  you started your new thread: “A month ago I found out my father has stage 4 rectal cancer and he’s terminal with 6-12 months to live. I been pretty much feeling dead inside since… my memory has taken a severe shot too… The nurses all tell me I have done an amazing job take care of him… I don’t even wanna imagine what it will look like when I see him deceased when he goes to hospice eventually“-

– you lived with your father throughout the time we communicated in your old thread. I think that you lived with him your whole life.. am I correct? No wonder you are emotionally attached to him. From getting to know you through 68- pages of your old thread, seems to me that your attachment style is the Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Style.

Notice how the following quotes from the two online sources fit you in regard to the woman we’ve been discussing a lot in your old thread (and, I think that it fits your experience in childhood and all your social connections since):

From very well mind: “Anxious ambivalent attachment is characterized by a distrust of a person with whom you are in a close relationship with, and is associated with mental health challenges, such as depression and low self-esteem… Anxious attachment results when your caregivers are not consistent in their responsiveness and availability with you, leading to feelings of confusion, distrust, anxiety, and ambivalence. People raised this way may desire closeness to their caretakers and distance themselves from them”.

From the attachment project: “The anxious ambivalent attachment style (known as anxious preoccupied attachment in adulthood) typically develops in children in the first 18 months of life. During this formative period, a child’s caregiver(s) may have acted inconsistently toward the child’s needs… caregivers may have been attentive to their child’s cues, but on the other, they may have been rejecting or punitive towards them… As a result, the child starts to feel conflicted about how their caregiver is going to respond to them. When their parent is attentive, the child is content and happy, but when they’re not the child is confused. For this reason, the child may start to develop ambivalent attachment patterns and behaviors. They might feel distrustful of their caregiver, but also desperately want affection and for them to meet their emotional needs so they cling to them”.

In regard to your 3rd, most recent post in this thread: “I’m just at home on holiday, first holiday in like 4 years“- on the computer a lot, gaming?

“How have you been?“- I’ll connect my answer to the quotes above (your words and the online sources’): mentally, emotionally and socially, I am doing way better than during my whole life. Similarly to what you shared, throughout most of my life, I too felt that I deserved to suffer. I too thought that I was not worth anyone’s time. I too wished I was someone else (and I day-dreamed about being someone else a whole lot, as a teenager). I too was miserable a lot of the time, and I too was stuck. As a child I was stuck at home alone, listening to music and daydreaming (not in front of the computer, I grew up before computers), and I was very lonely. As an adult, I was stuck in repeated dysfunctional patterns of behavior, depression.. alone and lonely most of the time. Like you, I desired closeness with people, but couldn’t trust people for long, so I couldn’t remain close to anyone for long.. there were only moments of closeness, tiny moments in a desert of loneliness.

Fast forward: I’ve experienced lots and lots of moments of closeness (online and in real-life), more than ever: this is what life is about, this is the joy of living! Life can get better! There are things that sadden me, scare me, but I no longer believe that I should suffer, so I don’t suffer unnecessarily. I no longer wish I was someone else. I am no longer alone and lonely, confused, miserable and depressed.

Connecting my answer to attachment styles: all my life I suffered from an anxious, ambivalent attachment style, and now, I am as close to a Secure Attachment Style as I have ever been!

.. And how are you today, me?

anita

Dear me:

Oh, it’s you!!! I didn’t figure it out until you mentioned the other thread, which you deleted? his is YOU, how exciting to read from you again! Where about are you on holiday?

anita

Dear JC:

“I’m struggling and depressed, I’m sad all the time, and especially when I think about my oldest daughter and her daughter… She’s blamed us for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life. I’ve told her I would like to help her, she told me to buy her a house!… told me it might ten years for her to forgive me, that I’d always been a bad parent, I was the sole reason she was the way she was and it’s my fault her life had turned out this way… Finally I decided I was going to set some boundaries… I told her that I didn’t want her verbally abusing me anymore, it was hurtful and unfair… She explained that she couldn’t help herself because she was so angry that it automatically came out but apologized again…(and said) that she just hated me.. I’m toxic… I told her I never meant to hurt her… I feel so bad about how she was treated, but I don’t know how to fix it..“-

– I’d say it’s time to implement The Serenity Prayer: god, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

You can’t change anything that already happened. You can’t change your oldest daughter’s Anger and Hurt (even if you buy her a house, as her anger and hurt have lasted too long). You can change your exposure to her abuse (to have no contact with her for as long as she is not able or willing to control her anger).

Here is an idea: what if you list (not describe, just list: 1, 2, 3..) all the things that you are struggling with. For each item, decide if i’s something that you cannot change, or it’s something that you can change (and if so, how?)

Do you think that this exercise may help you?

anita

Dear Lily-Mae:

“I’ve never shared my story, Anita – but I really wanted to share this with you“- I feel special, honored that you chose to share your story with me, that you trust me with your story. I will not betray your trust!

* By not betraying your trust I mean that I will express no judgment of you, I will not be aggressive/ abusive toward you in any way, shape or form (if you happen to perceive judgment or abuse of any kind in what I write to you, please let me know what it is, and I will tell you the truth about what I meant in writing this or that). I will be honest and truthful with you, and I will communicate with you for as long as you want to communicate with me: I will not abandon you in the context of this thread (one exception would be if you became abusive to me, not that I expect it). Every morning, as I turn on the computer, if I see a new post by you for me, I will answer it first. I am here for you.

Also: if something (anything) about what I write (or.. fail to write/ address) annoys you, makes you angry, or anxious, please let me know what it is, and tell me what you feel, so that we can talk about it. From my personal BPD- experience, I know how important it is to not keep annoyances and distresses inside (so they don’t build up and explode.. sooner than later).

All your feelings are okay with me, everything that you feel is welcome here.

And one more thing: I will repeat your story next  because this is how I process information. I can’t process by reading alone, I have to rewrite or retype and re-arrange what I read (my learning disabilities/ ADD). Also: English is not my first language.

(the boldfaced words are your words): You shared that your parents met in the workplace when they were both married to other people, each having 2 children, and had an affair. They eventually married and had you, the 5th child, living in a household with constant fights, fights every day, lots of conflict, alone most of the time, loathed by your half siblings. Your father: a strict and controlling workaholic with no emotion. (No mention of your mother).

In primary school and high school, you were bullied by boys telling you that you were ugly and fat and worthless, and  physically bullied in high-school. At 12 you tried to commit suicide for the first time. After high-school, you had a 6-year relationship that was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive. After the divorce from him, you became a promiscuous zombie (interesting wording). Years later,  you had another abusive guy and you started cutting yourself.

Since you were 12, you landed many times in hospital, tried many times to commit suicide, were misdiagnosed by psychiatrists, and finally, last year, a new psychiatrist diagnosed me with BPD.

You have an exceptional fear of abandonment, you push people away, your relationships are unstable, you have no identity and feel like an empty shell inside, you hate yourself, you have mood swings like crazy, you are extremely impulsive, and you cut yourself daily.

“I received my masters degree this year and I’m busy with my doctorate degree“- congratulations for your masters and for working on a doctorate degree!

“I get these extreme violent outbursts. Not even to talk about my paranoia, delusional thoughts. Sometimes it feels like my thoughts are killing me… At this stage, I cannot get over the fact that this guy left me for another woman… Dear Anita, please share how you handled your bpd. I would love to get to know you and talk to you as I have no one else to talk to. I’m alone.“-

– Like you, I too looked up the BPD diagnosis and saw that it fit me (I remember it like it was yesterday, I was in a library) years before I was officially diagnosed (about 25 years before!). All the symptoms you described were true to me. I was a zombie of all kinds (dissociated, depersonalized), drifting through life like a ship with no sail, no direction, no stability of any kind, not in the inside (emotional stability) and not on the outside: I lived in many, many (mostly bad) places, shifting jobs (I had only one full time job and that was for two years out of my entire life).. it was a nightmare, now that I think of it. As we continue to communicate, I will share more, I am sure.

I received the BPD diagnosis in 2011 and had my first experience of quality, professional psychotherapy by the therapist who diagnosed me. He tailored the therapy to the diagnosis and went about the therapy in a planned, methodical way (he took his job seriously, and was very dedicated to his clients).

The focus in BPD treatment, from the beginning and throughout is emotion regulation: the mood swings like crazy need to become less crazy,  the extremely impulsive and extreme violent outbursts need to become less extreme, and the exceptional fear of abandonment need to become.. less exceptional. The emotional storms need to quiet down: there can be no mental health otherwise. My therapist at the time had me listen every day to one of  a series of guided meditations by Mark Williams, an Oxford University expert on Mindfulness. Doing yoga (not hot yoga) and Tai-Chi (a slow-motion martial art form) were very helpful in the process of slowing down the emotional escalation and takeover that is typical of bpd.

Like you, I grew up in a (it’s difficult for me to call it home) war zone (yes, that’s a way more accurate term). My mother (better term: my monster) exhibited bpd herself and EXPLODED at me like there’s no tomorrow (and in many respects, there wasn’t a tomorrow, as the life in me was squeezed out by her explosions). She went on and on and on.. and on and I don’t remember what she said (screamed, yelled, cried) except that she said that she’d kill herself, that I am the reason she wants to kill herself.. at times she said she’d kill me.. She said that I (anita) am a “one big zero” (I remember that well), and she used to go over all the ways (she believed) that I was intentionally trying to hurt her feelings. And also, she hit me with her legs (kicking me) or her arms and hands. I remember hitting me on the face, right cheek, left cheek and again, and at the end, looking at her hands, she said: look what you did to me, you made my hands hurt.

It was a nightmare. Again, as we communicate (for as long as you want to), I will share more. You are welcome to ask me questions about my experience as a child and onward. (There are things I will not feel comfortable to share, things I’ve never shared here or anywhere).

About identity: I couldn’t even make the simplest choices, couldn’t figure out what I like or prefer to do. I was almost a non-person, the life in me shut down.. a zombie is an appropriate word. A zombie with a very, very low self-esteem (well, how can there be esteem when there’s no self).

Back to your very current struggle: “At this stage, I cannot get over the fact that this guy left me for another woman“- I wonder if the other woman represents someone in your childhood that you envied, a sibling perhaps who seemed so much more fortunate than you..?

anita

Dear Clara:

Good 10 am morning to you!

“I am not thinking to pursue her back or continue the relationship when she hasn’t grown or changed“- good thing!

“I am more thinking how did I not see this“- the heart sees what the heart wants to see.

“how should I see it clearer next time“- add logic to the heart, There is an equation my therapist taught me back in the day: wise mind= rational mind (logic) + emotional mind (the heart).

“may be open my eyes wider, and my ears as well next time. instead of being swept away by the emotions of falling in love“- I wrote the above before I read these two sentences: we are on the same page!

“thanks, have a good night“- you are welcome and thank you!  Still light outside, no wind, no air movement outside the glass window. Wed 10:08 am where you are at, Tues 7:08 pm here.

anita

Dear Robi:

Good to read your positive update, you do sound grounded! I want to reply further when I feel more grounded (I am tired now), so I’ll be back to your thread Wed morning (late Tues afternoon in beautiful  Transylvania)!

anita