Dear Seaturtle:

“It also triggers, what I think might be a larger trigger, that I feel again unseen” – To see sea turtle is what Sea turtle needs from others. Both your parents did- do not- see sea turtle. N did-does not.

“Just as I came to this sight with my very first post about N, and was not seen“- I like your unintentional substitution of sight for site. Again, Sea turtle needs to be seen. It is a non-negotiable, not to be compromized need.

“Even when I tell my mom, my close friend, they don’t see the gravity of the issues with N. Being in a high vibrational unison with my crown chakra was lonely in my relationship, and it is also outside of it, quite often“- if everyone was in high vibrational unison with their crown chakras, no one in the whole world, who is around people, would’ve been lonely. Quite often, a lot of people are lonely every day and every night.

I grew up (or in, I prefer to say) excruciatingly unseen. I remember thinking: doesn’t anyone see me? How is it possible that no one sees me, I am right here… am I here? 

“Which reminds me I need to set up an email address so we can connect!“-no rush, whenever it’s convenient for you. We are communicating very well right here.

“Just today I was thinking about how I have to daily remind myself why I broke up with him, and I wondered what I am strengthening as I do that. All this work of reminding myself the truth has to be developing some sort of muscle to be able to discern truth better in the future. My third eye is this muscle“- I am thinking of you breaking up with him as breaking away from weakness, unnecessary weakness. What I mean by it is that we are necessarily weak compared to some other animals like elephants, but when we compromise our crown chakras so to maintain a relationship, that’s unnecessary weakness.

“I was surprised by my next thought ‘Did I deserve it when he tried to cause me pain,’ Had I done something worth the passive aggression. I fear that I took advantage of him.. When I wasn’t working for the first few months of last year…I did my art and things around the house, but I could have done more. I could have grocery shopped and cooked more for him coming home from a long day from work and I was only home job searching online and painting. He half heartedly supported me, but after it was too late, after that time he told me he felt taken advantage of and I fear his causing me pain came from him feeling taken advantage of”-

– No, you didn’t deserve him causing you pain and being passive aggressive with you because how could you possibly know that he felt taken advantaged of. He didn’t tell you how he felt. As a matter of fact, he expressed otherwise and encouraged you to quit your job and paint at home. You thought it was okay with him because of what he expressed to you. You can’t read minds that are not expressed in words.. even with a vibrating crown chakra and a muscular third eye!

“I think I feel a lack of energy in my third eye now, as I just tried to think about why this could be invalid but I am quite tired. My new schedule is busy…  I got sick again December 27th, and since then have had a sore throat and just today I vomited, very random I thought. I felt fine before then suddenly nauseous and now I am exhausted”- should you test yourself for covid again.. see a doctor?

health line. com/ throat chakra healing: “When one or more of your chakras becomes blocked or unbalanced, it’s thought to have an impact on your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health. The throat chakra (also known as Vishuddha) is responsible for communication, self-expression, and the ability to speak your personal truth… If your throat chakra is blocked or unbalanced, you may: * be fearful about speaking your personal truth * have a harder time expressing your thoughts * feel anxious about speaking or communicating. In addition.. you may experience outbursts of emotion or even the opposite: extreme quiet or refusal to speak. Emotionally, those with fifth chakra (throat chakra) imbalance may be highly critical of themselves and others…  Physically..  symptoms may manifest as the following: *a raspy throat * chronic sore throat..”. It continues with healing suggestions including neck stretches and yoga poses.

I am thinking that communicating your personal, inner truth to your mother and to other people in your life more confidently and assertively (regardless of their reactions or lack of) will help. Better speak up than be quiet about matters most important to you. And when people can’t comprehend you/ don’t see you.. accept it with as much serenity as possible (not resisting it) while limiting or having no contact with them. One person seeing you.. is a good start.

“Why was he lying do you think? Do you think he knew why he was wanting to hurt me? I am not sure he was aware as to why he wanted to cause harm“- I think that he knew that he was angry with you and he knew that he wanted to hurt you (all animals want to or are prepared to hurt the object of their anger), but he didn’t think much about it, didn’t contemplate it.

I think that he lied when he said that he was joking,  that he knew he was telling you an untruth, but again, I don’t think that he gave any thought to lying, no introspection. Think of it, if you will, as him being on one side of a ping pong table: he sees a ball coming at him, he automatically deflects it, throwing it at the other person at the other end of the ping pong table. Lying when deflection calls for it, as well as teflon-ing otherwise, is part of his MO.

“I agree with this about my mom. I fear her third eye has been closed most of her life and usually is… She does things that she thinks is right all the time, that were only clearly her heart and sacral“- a low vibrational crown chakra does not send vibrations that are strong enough to open the 3rd eye.

“I think what you said here is important for me to hear, I need to learn to be ok with this lonely feeling. Because if the only option to not feel alone in certain situations is to close that eye and crown, I don’t want to do it… I want to continue to be okay with being uncomfortable rather than closing up. Because it is only if I stay open that I might find others like me, I believe”- I don’t think that you can close that eye once (1)  you had it wide open, and (2) you endured that discomfort of being alone long-enough, and (3) you are not completely alone.

You asked in regard to my suggestion that N was satisfied with being in a relationship with you even though he knew that you repeatedly wanted out of the relationship:  “How was this satisfying to him, or was he just too weak to end it himself.“- he wasn’t introspective enough to end it. Introspection (an open crown chakra, an open 3rd eye) does not appear like a source of satisfaction to him.

“In the shower, after I got home, I had a strange vision I had not imagine before. It was two years later and N said that he read everything from this thread! he said he would like to talk at coffee. I met him and he apologized for everything… Specifically He said he was sorry for not respecting me, and that it was not my fault he couldn’t see the wisdom in how I was doing things that he judged. He apologized… I then snapped out of it and felt some sort of peace.. His ghost made amends with me, and it brought me some peace. strange.”- it’s the desire of little girl Seaturtle to be seen and respected and apologized to, for all the wrong done to her.

“I thought I saw him on the freeway today.. I feel like I saw a ghost. He was in the same exact truck as N… I sped ahead as to get a car between us… it was long enough to scare me“- his ghost scares you, his ghost being your father when you were growing up, hurting you, not seeing you. It was a painful, long-term, on and on experience.

anita

vibrationally restful night, I meant…

Dear Seaturtle:

I have a feeling that you are going through some difficult time right now and the difficult is getting old..? Taken from Star Wars, may the force be with you, Sea turtle!

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

My best guess is that she is not clear herself about what she wants at this time, that she is conflicted and confused. If she was clear about wanting you in her life, she would have contacted you.

This no-contact is very difficult for you and it’s getting more difficult. The Waiting is excruciating.. or is excruciating too intense of a word? If excruciating pretty much describes it, better send her an honest message asking her to tell you her honest state of mind in regard to the relationship with you as it is.

Make it a short, polite request, nothing long or heavy. I think it’d be fair:  not too demanding of her and fair to you because you are suffering. What do you think?

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

I am not clear: it worries you that she hasn’t been on any of the messaging platforms where the two of you used to communicate because you think that she stays away from people and activities in general, indicating that she’s depressed, or do you worry that she is staying away specifically from you?

If I was you, I wouldn’t contact her because, seems to me, that she really needs space from everyone. She knows that she can contact you if she wants to, but she doesn’t. Maybe she fits the Avoidant Attachment Style (avoiding emotional closeness in times of heightened anxiety) and you fit the Anxious Attachment Style (seeking emotional closeness in times of heightened anxiety)…?

If this is the case there is online information and advice in regard to making it work for two individuals of these different styles.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

First the research: paraphrased, Cannabis Use Disorder (CUD) is about the consumption of marijuana being problematic for the person consuming it in the context of work and relationships etc. It’s an official diagnosis in the U.S. (DSM-5) and in Europe (ICD-11)

(1) very well mind/ cannabis use disorder: “cannabis use disorder is strongly associated with both major depression and generalized anxiety disorder.. Individuals most at risk of developing CUD include those who are younger, male, unmarried, in a lower income bracket, and reside in a state that has medical marijuana laws. People with psychiatric disorders also have a higher risk”

(2) psychology today/ cannabis use disorder rising especially among mentally ill: “A great deal of excitement continues to be generated by the legalization of nonmedical cannabis use, also known as recreational or social use. Thankfully, cannabis users no longer need to fear arrest and harsh incarceration. Past criminal records for mere possession are gradually being expunged. Products tested for purity have become more available… As legalization and commercialization have become more accepted, the public’s perception of cannabis as harmless has grown. Much of this excitement is built on a foundation of ignoring and outright denying several inconvenient truths… How sweet it would be if cannabis use were proven to be free of any physical, cognitive, or emotional consequences—a myth indulged by many cannabis users…

“The study looked at trends within three age groups: under 35; 35-64; and 65 and up. In addition, researchers analyzed trends in CUD among patients with diagnoses of depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress, bipolar disorder, and psychosis spectrum disorders, without regard to whether these comorbidities predated or followed a diagnosis of CUD. A higher rate of CUD was found in patients with psychiatric comorbidities than in those without comorbidities, and the highest rates were among patients with bipolar and psychotic spectrum disorders…

“Many patients… prefer cannabis as their medication for a variety of psychiatric conditions, despite evidence that it often only complicates treatment and worsens illness. It can be difficult to convince a patient that cannabis generally worsens depression, bipolar disorder, and psychotic spectrum disorders when its acute effects seem comforting and frankly enjoyable“.

National library of medicine, ncbi. nlm. nih. gov: “For years we have heard in popular culture that cannabis use is less harmful or no more harmful than alcohol use; however, this does not appear to be the case for everyone…

“Although physical health is not the focus of this article, there are several reported medical adverse events that are of concern, such as cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome, lung injury with vaping cannabis and arrhythmias. Additionally, the role of cannabis in trauma (e.g., motor vehicle collisions), injuries (e.g., falls), and in acute negative effects in conjunction with illicit drug use, are causes of ED (Emergency Department) admissions..

“There are signals emerging from ongoing research that indicate that early (e.g., adolescent) and regular (daily or almost daily) use, as well as the use of high potency products [high in delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol (THC)] may be particular risk variables. These risk factors appear to decrease the average age for developing a mental illness and are attributed to an increased incidence of mental illness and increase the risk for development of a cannabis use disorder. Cannabis use is also associated with exacerbation of and possibly development of anxiety disorders and depressive disorders but the evidence is mixed and not yet as extensive as that for the association with psychosis… The popular point of view that cannabis is relatively harmless to use.. may be increasing ED presentations associated with it..

“Of note, the ages 21–29 demographic comprised 52% of ED visits for cannabis-related complaints in 2017. It should be noted that much of the US data may be underestimating the effects of cannabis as the decision as to whether to go to an ED in the US can depend on medical insurance coverage, as shown by studies showing decreasing appearances by uninsured individuals”.

Jan 6 & 8, you shared this regarding N’s cannabis use: “he did not take care of himself, he smoked way too much weed, he claimed it helped with his anxiety, and never came across high, there were times I didn’t even know. Infact it was not until I lived with him that I saw how much, that almost every date he hit at least something before coming out. I felt betrayed when I first realized how he was constantly high, cause he didn’t seem it at all, his body is so used to it… When we started living together and I witnessed how much I would ask him to be sober for dates, but then at the date he was much more jittery, EVEN LESS capable of a deep conversation sitting in one place. it bored him beyond belief. I have a lot of patience but his sober self caused me to run out sometimes, I began to want him to smoke so he would chill out and sit with me. He claimed it prevented him from having dreams… When we lived together I smoked more than I had ever before, and immediately after moving out, I stopped naturally, not even craving it at all. It had become a bonding experience with him… Then would have the vapes when we moved in and I Would find them, confused. He confessed how much he used it one time, but I know he lied about it after, withholding the truth anyways, his specialty. If I did not ask a specific question he would not be transparent about nicotine and weed. this  is helping me right now to recall these big negatives to n”-

– I didn’t understand the above “it prevented him from having dreams“- what kinds of dreams?

What do you currently think about to N’s negatives when it comes to his regular daily, regular smoking weed (and vaping nicotine)?

I am wondering, remembering his talk about a future where he would stay home and you will be out working, bringing in the money, those were his serious thoughts/ a plan for the relationship..? And in materializing this plan, he’d stay home smoking weed all day..?

anita

* I forgot to edit out “I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.”