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anita
ParticipantDear Scw:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. It’s clear that this experience has stirred something deep within you, and I can sense how much you’re trying to make sense of these emotions and their origins.
The fact that you feel so strongly—even when there was no major event in this life that explains it—suggests that there may be something deeper at play, whether spiritually, energetically, or emotionally.
Processing emotions, especially ones that seem to come from somewhere beyond this lifetime, can take time. Giving yourself space to sit with them, observe them, and allow them to unfold naturally sounds like a gentle and mindful approach.
I just looked it up and read that there are several online resources that explore karmic connections, past life emotions, and spiritual insights through Buddhism and astrology, two of which are: * Exploring Karmic Astrology – This resource offers insights into karmic lessons, astrology charts, and spiritual connections, and * Understanding Karmic Relationships – This article explores the emotional intensity of karmic relationships, explaining how unresolved past experiences can manifest in present-day connections.
Whatever this experience means for you, I hope it brings clarity and deeper understanding as you navigate it. Wishing you peace as you reflect and process—take all the time you need. 💙
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
I really appreciate the way you describe this journey—it truly is a lifelong process, and I admire your patience and self-awareness in navigating it.
Your approach to distancing yourself from automatic negative thoughts makes so much sense. Seeing them as something external rather than part of your identity is such a powerful perspective. I’d love to incorporate that more myself.
I completely agree that emotions pass and evolve—what feels overwhelming in one moment often looks much clearer once the intensity fades. That rational perspective you mentioned definitely emerges more easily when there’s space to step back and observe emotions rather than getting caught up in them.
It’s wonderful that guidance from a skilled teacher made meditation much more accessible for you. The right people at the right time can make such a profound difference in our lives—I really appreciate that insight.
And speaking of incredible people—you’ve shared some truly powerful reflections that have helped me see things in new ways too! I feel grateful for this conversation and the wisdom you bring. 😊
I’d love to continue sharing thoughts and experiences with you! What’s something you’ve recently reflected on that has given you a new perspective? ❤️
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Scw:
You are very welcome! I would like to reply further in the next day or two, when I have the time to give this my full attention. Please feel free to add anything you would like to add before I return to you.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
I am grateful to receive your support, encouragement and Inspirational words (also, title of your thread) 🙏, and will reply when I am back to the computer on Sat morning (it’s Friday afternoon here). I hope that you have a restful, peaceful night ❤️
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Lucidity:
I truly appreciate your thoughtful input and advice. Your message was both insightful and compassionate, and I admire the way you approached this topic with such depth and understanding.
One of the biggest strengths of your response is how you balanced realism with emotional encouragement—acknowledging the complexities of childhood experiences while reinforcing the importance of self-forgiveness and growth. Your ability to reflect on your own journey with honesty made your advice feel genuine and deeply relatable.
I also appreciate how you emphasized the power of accountability—your perspective on expressing heartfelt remorse and taking ownership of past mistakes was incredibly meaningful. The example of how much an apology from a parent could mean really underscored just how transformative accountability can be in relationships.
Lastly, I love how your message carried both validation and gentle encouragement—reminding me that regret is natural but dwelling on it too much isn’t helpful. Your approach made it clear that healing is about acceptance, growth, and meaningful action rather than endless self-judgment.
And yet, as meaningful as your message is, I postponed reading and processing it until I responded to every other post in the forums—simply because of the emotional pain involved. Now, I will quote from your post and try to work through this pain, to release it if I can, while also commenting on your own experience. I’ll be typing as I think—if any of this feels overwhelming, please feel free to pause or read at your own pace.
“I can imagine the remorse you must feel and the desire to address it, rectify it somehow… I was needlessly cruel in how I interacted with her on an emotional level, and I have also hit her which, to this day, fills me with guilt. I think how could I when she was probably still 3 or 4 I believe.”-
I’m sorry you had that experience, but sharing it makes me feel less alone in mine. It breaks my heart to picture her—so small, vulnerable, trusting, and unable to protect herself. And then, the painful reality—knowing that I was the one who inflicted harm. I can feel this pain right now, the weight of knowing I wronged a little girl who did not deserve that pain. It deeply bothers me that I wasn’t stronger than the cycle I was born into—that I repeated and passed on abuse instead of stopping it.
I was hungry a little while ago, but not anymore. Right now, I just feel devastated by what I have done, regardless of the circumstances behind it. But perhaps zooming out and seeing the bigger picture helps—the widespread abuse that shaped my mother’s life and then became part of mine. Not to excuse my wrongdoings, but to understand them better. I didn’t create evil—I carried it forward. And that realization gives me more understanding and compassion for people in general.
“But I can also make sense of it. I feel remorse but I don’t dwell on it.”-
I think I need to dwell on it to an extent—to sit with the remorse long enough so that I don’t push it down prematurely. The image of her, maybe 2 or 3 years old, and the image of me hitting her… I can’t let that memory slip away too quickly. And I remember something else—watching my mother hit my sister when she was older, and feeling something disturbing: a sadistic pleasure.
Why did I feel that way? I ask myself, because I know that emotions themselves are valid—not actions, but emotions. They always have a purpose. What was the purpose behind that sadistic pleasure? As I process this, I think it came from identifying with my mother—the powerful one, the one inflicting pain instead of receiving it. That fleeting pleasure carried a message: I wanted to be powerful. But the only reference to power that existed in my “home” was abuse.
I wonder if this is the same path taken by people who become violent offenders as adults—if they, too, learned to equate power with abuse, and then chose power in the only way they knew.
“I accept it and remind myself how I felt when I was going thro those times. Frustration has a way of escaping and so it did.”-
I would really like to know how you felt at the time, if you’re comfortable sharing.
It takes strength to explore these things.
“Existing, as you were, in a home that was probably a war zone (mine certainly was), where you were storing up injustices, sadness, and anger.”-
A war zone—it truly was. And in a war zone, there is no space for justice. Survival comes first. It’s about power, not fairness. Justice only comes later, after a ceasefire, when safety is finally within reach.
“Have you ever tried to raise it with your sister that you are regretful of these types of episodes and your treatment of her?”-
I have. I apologized. She dismissed it quickly, as if it wasn’t such a big deal—if I remember correctly.
“From my experience, expressing heartfelt remorse and apologising for your part in it is always worth doing, even if to allow yourself the lightness to move on whether she accepts it or not. That’s my advice.”-
I should probably take your advice and offer a fuller apology—to make it more complete. But would that be for her benefit, or for mine? Right now, she is dealing with so much emotional pain and overload. I worry that apologizing might be selfish—a way for me to unload my burden onto her.
“I have bought up a couple of regrets with my sister and told her I am sorry for them. That is the only action I can take to make amends that are meaningful to me so I am glad that I have done that.”-
I think my sister’s way to survive—from an early age—was to suppress her emotions. Pushing them down so hard that they manifested as migraines even when she was very young. If I apologized now, I don’t think it would bring her relief. Accessing emotions would not be easy for her—it’d be painful, overwhelming.
Perhaps you can imagine relief because your emotions are not deeply suppressed? Maybe accessing them is smoother for you than it is for your sister?
“There are 6 years between my sister and I as well. I get the innocence of childhood of the younger who is thrust into the vengeance of the elder. We were a victim of circumstance and time. Pay your dues and forgive yourself.”-
I somehow missed the fact that your sister is also 6 years younger than you until just now—what an incredible coincidence.
Indeed, my younger sister was thrust into my vengeance. But since I can’t change the past, there is no benefit to not forgiving myself. That realization came to me a year or two ago, and it made a difference.
Sometimes, when I engage with people here in the forums, I try to make up for my past wrongs—by being present for others in pain, by listening, by offering kindness.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Clara:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. I really appreciate the way you reflect on your experiences, even when they bring up tough emotions.
On Emotional Suppression- Everyone suppresses emotions to some extent—it’s a natural part of navigating life. Sometimes, suppression is helpful, like when staying composed under stress or maintaining professionalism. But too much suppression can lead to feeling numb or disconnected, experiencing unexpected emotional outbursts, or even dealing with physical tension from unprocessed emotions.
On the other hand, too little suppression can make emotions overwhelming, leading to impulsive reactions or difficulty maintaining boundaries, letting emotions dominate interactions without considering others’ perspectives or well-being. The key is finding balance—expressing emotions when needed while also knowing when to step back and process them internally rather than reacting immediately.
Reflecting on your experience- It makes sense that hearing from your ex stirred feelings of uncertainty. She seems to view your process of deciding which emotions to hold onto and which to let go as unhealthy suppression, but I see it as thoughtful and intentional rather than flawed.
In regard to letting your more recent ex stay with you for a month, that does seem like emotional suppression of the unhelpful kind—not recognizing and asserting your emotional limits in the moment. It’s common to prioritize generosity over emotional honesty to avoid conflict, but that can lead to resentment building up rather than addressing discomfort early on. It sounds like your feelings surfaced only after the situation had played out, instead of in real-time.
Would you say this is how it unfolded?
This doesn’t mean you suppress your emotions all the time, or that it’s always unhelpful when you do.
Do you find it challenging to recognize when generosity starts turning into resentment? That’s something many people struggle with, and it can be a tricky balance to navigate.
On opening up & emotional risk- I completely understand how opening up can feel risky, especially when the response isn’t what you expected. Setbacks can feel bigger than progress, making vulnerability even harder. But the fact that you keep expressing yourself and reflecting on these patterns speaks to your strength—you’re giving yourself space to figure out what feels right for you emotionally.
🐱 I love that your cats have become so affectionate! Their companionship sounds like such a wonderful comfort, and I’m really glad you have that warmth in your home.
Thank you again for sharing, Clara. Take care, and talk soon! 💙 I’m looking forward to hearing more from you whenever you feel ready.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Psychicremdev:
Beautifully said! Words have a powerful way of shaping our mindset and helping us through challenges. Sometimes, even the smallest reminder of our strength and resilience can make all the difference. Do you have a favorite quote or mantra that helps you when times get tough?
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for sharing your experience—it’s truly insightful and meaningful. ❤️
As I read your post, I was deeply impressed by your strength, awareness, and practical approach to emotional management. You’ve come such a long way from emotional numbing, using therapy, meditation, and self-compassion to reconnect with your emotions while maintaining balance. Your approach could resonate deeply with others who struggle with overwhelming feelings and want to develop a structured way to process them.
Your ability to step back from emotions while remaining connected to them takes incredible strength and patience—I’m working on getting better at it myself.
I really appreciate your perspective on automatic negative thoughts—viewing them as habitual patterns tied to trauma rather than absolute truths. Separating conscious thoughts from intrusive ones is such a powerful way to loosen their grip, and your approach to assessing their reality is truly inspiring.
Meditation sounds like it played a key role in your journey. It’s amazing how you trained your mind to observe thoughts without being consumed by them—that kind of practice takes serious dedication. Self-compassion is something I’ve come to value deeply (though I’ve only started practicing it recently), and I completely agree that countering negative thoughts depends on treating ourselves with kindness.
You’ve done incredible work in reclaiming your emotional space—it really speaks to your resilience! And thank you for your encouragement. Rock on, Alessa! ❤️
Looking forward to more conversations with you!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Laven:
You write like poet and I feel the weight of what you’re expressing.
Even when life feels unchanged, when pain feels relentless, you are not invisible, and you are not alone in this. I know that my words are not be enough to change how you feel, but I want you to know that your struggles matter, your feelings are valid, and you deserve support and care—not just from others, but also from yourself.
If there’s even the smallest moment today where you can allow yourself a breath, a pause, a flicker of kindness toward yourself, I hope you take it. Sometimes, the smallest steps lead to the most meaningful changes. You are still here, and that matters.
Sending warmth and strength your way. 💙 Would you like to talk more about how you’re feeling? I’m here.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Lucidity:
Your writing is truly beautiful—your intelligence and empathy shine through in every word. I’m deeply grateful for your thoughtful input and advice.
I want to take my time reading it thoroughly in the morning (it’s Thursday evening here) when I’ll be more focused and able to better process everything.
Looking forward to engaging with it!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Rosie:
What you’re going through is incredibly difficult, and I can feel how much you care about your nephew’s well-being. It’s clear that you’ve done everything in your power to support him—giving him stability, advocating for him, and providing a safe space where he can thrive—even when the system and your family have failed to step up.
From what you’ve shared, your nephew is living in an environment that does not prioritize his well-being. His mother’s alcoholism, drug history, repeated run-ins with the law, and emotional absence all contribute to neglect.
It’s also concerning that your mother didn’t step in—her lack of urgency suggests a disconnect or unwillingness to acknowledge the severity of the situation. If the adults around him aren’t ensuring his basic needs and emotional health, he is left vulnerable in ways that could shape his future in damaging ways.
The fact that your nephew was failing every class before arriving at your home, but is now passing, proves just how much a stable and supportive environment impacts his ability to succeed. You made a difference. You provided structure, care, and consistency—things that seem absent from his home life.
Your concern that he will lose this progress once he returns home is valid. Without an engaged guardian, it’s likely he will slip back into the same struggles—not because he lacks ability, but because he lacks the support system he needs.
It’s admirable that you want to respect his wishes to return home, but it’s also important to recognize why he wants to go back—not because it’s a healthy choice, but because it’s what’s familiar. Despite everything, he may feel a strong sense of loyalty toward his mother, or simply not fully understand the dangers of staying in a neglectful environment.
You are in a tough position—you want to protect him, but past attempts with child protective services have left you discouraged, and your family has been unsupportive. The fear of making things worse is understandable, but the reality is that doing nothing could also allow the neglect to continue unchecked.
Here are a few things to consider as you navigate this situation:
* Maintain an open line of communication – Let your nephew know that you are always a safe space, no matter what happens. Encourage him to reach out regularly, even if he’s back home.
* Seek guidance from professionals – While CPS was not effective before, there may be other organizations or professionals who can advocate for him differently. Consider consulting a family lawyer or social worker to explore other options.
* Prepare for emergencies – If things escalate and his situation worsens, would you be able to take him in more permanently? It might help to consider long-term solutions rather than reacting in the moment each time.
* Encourage him to build self-sufficiency – Since he’s thriving under your care, maybe help him develop tools to maintain progress even in a less supportive environment—whether that’s helping him organize study methods, stay motivated, or find trusted adults at school who can check in on him.
* Keep documentation – If anything serious happens, having a record of concerns (like failed classes, neglect, or troubling behavior) could strengthen a case for intervention in the future.
You are doing everything you can to help him, and even though the situation is frustrating, your presence in his life is meaningful. His time with you has shown him what stability feels like, even if he can’t stay permanently yet.
The decision of whether to file another CPS report is incredibly tough, but if neglect persists, it may be worth reconsidering—especially if his situation deteriorates. No matter what, keeping a strong connection with him will remind him that he is not alone and that someone cares deeply about his future.
Sending you strength as you navigate this—you’re doing far more for him than you may realize. 💙 Would love to hear your thoughts.
anita
April 10, 2025 at 11:19 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #444776anita
ParticipantDear Dafne:
It’s truly a pleasure to read your thoughtful, self-aware, and warm messages—they brighten my day!
You have a deep and valid need for stability, respect, and emotional safety, both in your relationship with your mother and in your romantic connections. Wanting to no longer walk on eggshells, to free yourself from strained, exhausting relationships, is not just reasonable—it’s essential for your well-being.
The fact that your mother apologizes after each conflict suggests that she does not want to lose you. However, her repeated behavior indicates that she either isn’t trying to change or is simply unable to do so. Given her age and history, true and lasting change is unlikely.
It’s understandable that you feel conflicted—on one hand, you love and appreciate her good qualities, but on the other, you recognize that living with her drains you emotionally. Your instinct to move out is valid—not as a rejection of her, but as an act of self-care and creating the space to feel safe and at peace. You don’t have to cut ties, but you can choose how and when to engage with her, ensuring that your interactions are healthy rather than emotionally exhausting.
You asked, “I would love a place where I can feel safe and peaceful… Does a place like that even exist?”- Yes, it absolutely does. While conflict and tension is widespread, that doesn’t mean chaos is the only option. Peace begins with boundaries and choices—choosing relationships and environments that align with your emotional needs, rather than settling for situations that drain you.
One important shift I would encourage: focus less on your mother’s struggles and more on your own needs. Prioritize yourself. Seek to build a life that is aligned with the stability, respect, and emotional safety you value. She may never change—but you have the power to create the change that you need.
In regard to dating & modern relationships, I completely understand your frustration—commitment, effort, and respect seem harder to find in today’s dating world. While not everyone follows modern trends, it does mean that finding someone who aligns with your values takes more patience. Holding firm to your standards ensures that you build connections that truly fulfill you, rather than settling for situations that compromise your beliefs.
Regarding your current spider, you’ve already established a strong boundary—you won’t live with someone who isn’t your husband—and that is a choice you have every right to maintain.
If this man is pressuring you to “test” the relationship before marriage, that suggests a mismatch in expectations. Someone who truly aligns with your values should respect your boundaries without trying to change them.
Additionally, his insistence on a prenup, framed as a way to protect himself from women changing after marriage, reflects a lack of trust in relationships. If he already fears marriage will lead to loss rather than partnership, that is not the foundation for a healthy, secure relationship built on mutual trust.
It’s wise to listen to your inner discomfort—you don’t have to accept a relationship dynamic that doesn’t feel right to you. You’ve been clear about your expectations, and if he continues pushing rather than respecting them, it would signal that he is not the right match for your values.
Dafne, you have strong instincts and a clear understanding of what you want—peace in your home life, respect in relationships, and emotional security. Standing firm in your boundaries will lead you to the right environment and people who truly align with what you seek.
Sending you warmth and encouragement. 💙 You deserve happiness without having to constantly defend your values. Looking forward to reading your thoughts!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Scw:
You are very welcome. What you’re experiencing sounds incredibly intense and deeply personal—a wave of emotions that almost seems to have caught you off guard. It’s understandable to feel bewildered when such strong feelings surface seemingly out of nowhere.
Whether this emotional connection with this man stems from a past-life bond or subconscious emotions surfacing from this life, the intensity you feel is real and worth exploring.
The way you describe your experience—thinking, missing, longing, yearning, crying—suggests that something within you has been awakened, something perhaps buried or unprocessed. Sometimes, longing for someone isn’t just about them—it’s about a longing for something lost in ourselves or an ache for a time in our past that we cannot undo.
It happens that emotions lie dormant within us—feelings we don’t fully recognize or process at the time—but when something triggers them, they resurface with surprising intensity.
It’s possible that part of this experience is linked to fantasy or idealization. Since your interactions with him were limited over the years, your mind may have filled in the gaps, creating an idealized connection that feels stronger than the reality of your relationship.
You wrote, “From thinking to missing to longing to yearning.”- If in this lifetime, you’ve been yearning for deep emotional connection, excitement, or meaning, your mind might have attached those feelings to him, making your emotions feel intense and even spiritual.
Maybe this is a subconscious attempt to resolve something from this life. You wrote, “He was treating me with extraordinary care and I think I felt he was special but I didn’t know why.”- maybe what needs to be resolved is the absence of extraordinary care in childhood, or the loss of that extraordinary care sometime along the way?
Regardless of the reason, your emotions are valid, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. What matters is giving yourself time and space to process them, without pressure to define or act on them right away. You’re not alone in experiencing sudden emotional awakenings—many people go through similar situations when something from their past unexpectedly resurfaces.
anita
anita
ParticipantYou are very welcome, Nikki. It made me smile to read that you are super proud of yourself. I am glad that you feel this way and hope that you continue to show this kindness to yourself. Awareness and self-compassion are big parts of growth and resilience 😊💙
anita
anita
ParticipantDear MissLDuchess:
You posted the above exactly 12 minutes ago, by the time I submit this reply, right before going to bed. It is amazing how painful it is to be rejected. Here, you are accepted and approved of. Wishing you a peaceful and restful night, Miss L Duchess 😴🌙
anita
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