Dear Alessa and everyone reading this:

* trigger warning *

Alessa: “our trauma is so similar”- Our trauma is indeed so similar—it’s about a mother betraying the trust of her little girl in deeply painful ways. Ways that cut to the heart and inflict wounds that linger in the depths of the soul.

I want to respond to your yesterday’s post, Alessa: “Regarding your question about evil. I read that evil is a lack of empathy… I don’t think that hurting people is about defending oneself. There is a very clear difference between defensive aggression and someone who is actively trying to hurt another person. There is a joy that is taken in harming others… someone who is being defensive takes no joy in it.”- (1) I appreciate your firm tone here—it was exactly what I needed. In the posts earlier, I found myself going soft, soft for my mother. Your firmness helped balance that softness, which could have otherwise pulled me back into the depths of my trauma,

(2) I looked up the terms “defensive aggression” and “offensive aggression” (often just called “aggression”). Here is what I am learning this morning: Defensive aggression occurs when someone feels threatened and reacts to protect themselves, like a shield. It’s driven by fear and is typically reactive, arising from perceived threats or a need for self-defense.

Offensive aggression, on the other hand, is deliberate and intended to harm, like a weapon. It stems from a desire to dominate or hurt, such as insulting someone to make them feel bad.

The key difference is that defensive aggression reacts to fear, while offensive aggression is calculated and hostile. Offensive Aggression by a parent leaves deeper emotional scars on a child, and fosters more distrust in a child than defensive aggression, as the child perceives these actions as deliberate.

Examples of Offensive Aggression: Insults- “You’re useless—you’ll never amount to anything in life.”, Humiliation- “I can’t believe you’re so stupid. You embarrass me in front of everyone.”, Threats- “If you don’t do as I say, I’ll make your life miserable.”, Manipulation- “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me? You’re selfish.”, Blame- “It’s your fault this family is falling apart. You ruin everything.”

Examples of Defensive Aggression: Deflecting Responsibility- “Why are you always blaming me? I never did anything wrong!”, Overreacting to Criticism- “You have no idea how hard my life is—how dare you judge me!”, Physical Reaction- Slamming a door or raising a hand in frustration when feeling cornered, Defensive Statements- “You always make me out to be the bad guy—I’m just trying my best!”, Dismissive Behavior- Ignoring the child’s emotions by saying, “Oh, stop it! You’re overreacting again.”

Offensive Aggression is direct and intentional harm, aimed at degrading, intimidating, or controlling the child.

Defensive Aggression stems from feeling threatened or cornered. While it may hurt less because it’s not maliciously intended, it can still make a child feel unsafe and uncertain about a mother’s emotional stability.

I don’t remember my mother being defensively aggressive although she may have been. What I do remember is her being offensively aggressive. I clearly remember is her being (I am typing as I think), I remember her being strong and dominant.. with me. Weak and submissive with others, but strong and dominant with me (I am thinking about you, Alessa, hoping this .. hoping you are not reading this if it’s triggering. Please feel free to not read).

I think that this is occurring to me for the first time in my life, that our relationship was special after all, in a way. With me, she felt Strong and Dominant and that felt good to her, so different from the Weak and Submissive experience otherwise.

I accommodated her. I knew what she needed although I couldn’t articulate it, not even to myself.

With me, she felt powerful, at least during the times she hurt me and could see that she did. I can almost remember this: submitting to her because she needed it. I LOVED her so much! I would have done anything for her! I’d climb the highest mountain for her, but when what she needed was to see me humiliated, trapped in a hole, then yes, this is what I’d do.

Standing up for myself, being strong, that would have taken away her way to be strong, to feel strong, that is, to feel powerful.

So, yes, what I remember most is her taking advantage of this opportunity to feel powerful in relation to me. She said to me: “You are one big zero”- that made her feel like a 100.

Strange thing is (and I figure I am sounding crazy)- I don’t regret making her feel powerful. I know it was a very good feeling for her. I am happy that she felt good in those moments. All I ever wanted was for her to feel good.

I don’t regret that it felt good for her.

I just dived into crazy land, didn’t I.

When love is misused and abused, Crazy is the consequence.

I LOVED her so much. I tried not to, for the longest time- placing Anger in between me and my love for her.

I cannot deny that love, Love for her.

She needed me to be “a big zero” and I accommodated.

Looking into my soul this Friday almost-noon: there’s that love in it, dominant love, would-do-anything love.

I feel in-touch with myself more than ever right now. I understand more than ever. I don’t know what I will be typing next. No planning, no agenda.

I was a very loving little girl after all, not at all the selfish, evil girl she said I was.

Oh, I was a good girl after all. I didn’t know!

Back to your yesterday’s post, Alessa: “I feel like people use flimsy excuses for these types of behaviours. They are looking for opportunities to hurt others and re-enacting their trauma by role-playing the aggressor. The sad truth is it is easy to do, because it requires nothing in the way of self control and there has been cultural acceptance of children being possessions and child abuse being legal worldwide for a long time.”- Perfectly said.

anita the possession. An item to be possessed. No wonder I felt claustrophobic being trapped in a 2-dimensional trap, that of being an item.

You ended your today’s post with: “I’m sorry to say that I don’t feel sad for your mother. I care that you are suffering, worrying about her and that you suffered at her hands and she falsely blamed you for it. ❤️”- someone taking my side? Unheard of! Now heard, lol.

(I just got scared that you will somehow get offended, Alessa, by my comment “Now heard, lol”. I hear her saying: what do you mean by “lol” why, you- anita- are a terrible person by lol-ing me, something like that).

It’s not yet Friday noon time yet, but it feels like way later.

There was always criticism coming from her, always the “You are BAD anita” message. A message that made her feel good, so she kept repeating it.

Connecting this to the news I heard a few days ago, that at 85, she is severely hunched over, can’t walk straight, won’t let people help her (because it makes her feel weak to be helped)- I don’t have any bad wishes for her, don’t have the desire that she hurts. Have the desire- as always- that she’d feel good. There were moments when she loved me, or cared for me, like taking a few buses so to get me my favorite marzipan cake. Although I don’t know if it was an act of love, or an investment in keeping her Feeling- Powerful- Over possessed item (anita) invested in the dynamic.

I remember that cake as if it was yesterday.

anita

Typing on my phone, feeling better after eating some peanuts. Was feeling very sad a little earlier sad for my mother. I wonder (and it’s a scary thought,), how much of what we consider evil, and which is evil in objective terms, how much of it. from the offenders perspective, is nothing more than defending oneself against pain, that and nothing more.

I am inviting my sadness, my pain- to be, to not be pushed down, minimized, but to have the space to breathe. For the sadness is not my enemy, not if I don’t go against it and take it’s oxygen away.

Redirect suppression to expression, self fragmentation to self integration, self aggression, really to acceptance, expansion.

Anita