Dear Dafne:

I’d love to respond to your update in the form of a conversation—quoting you and reflecting on your words.

“Lovely to hear from you and thank you for checking up on me!” – And it’s truly lovely to hear back from you, Dafne!

“Me and the man I was seeing, we stopped our communication. He asked me in one of his text messages if I wanted him to be more successful, and I replied that if we were to be more than friends, then yes. He didn’t respond, and our chat ended there. I didn’t reach out again.”-

First, I couldn’t help but notice your wording—”more than fiends,” instead of friends. It could simply be a typo, but sometimes mistakes reveal hidden thoughts or emotions just beneath the surface. it’s as if the underlying emotion surfaced and swallowed the “r”.

Remember how we once compared him to a spider weaving a web, trying to pull you in? If anyone plays that role, it’s a fiend—not a friend.

Second, some people pose questions they know will lead to an answer they don’t like, giving them an excuse to walk away without confrontation. He may have already been considering ending communication and used this moment to step away. Since your communication stopped entirely after this exchange, it’s seems that he only wanted romantic involvement—and when that seemed complicated, he didn’t feel motivated to maintain a friendship.

“For him romantic connection was more important than staying friends for the time being.”- yes, like I wrote right above.

“I felt a bit guilty that I told him to be more successful as it might mean that I am materialistic and not person oriented. But then I realised that wanting someone honest, hard working and successful is not a sin and I need all those qualities in someone to compensate for a life I never had before.”-

I really admire the way you worked through your feelings and arrived at this realization. At first, you felt guilty, questioning whether your standards made you materialistic—but then you reframed it with clarity and confidence. Wanting honesty, hard work, and success in a partner isn’t about materialism—it’s about knowing what you need for the life you want to build.

It takes strength to recognize your worth and stand by your standards instead of doubting them. You’re not asking for something superficial—you’re asking for qualities that align with your values and the future you deserve. That’s a powerful shift in perspective, and it speaks to your self-awareness and growth.

“I felt a bit of a relief. I felt more free after the chat stopped. And look Anita it’s been almost 2 months and no news from him and I guess no progress with the project either. I could waste more time by just chatting and waiting.”-

I’m so glad to hear that you’re feeling a sense of relief and freedom now that the communication has stopped. That kind of clarity is powerful—it shows that you were right to trust your instincts and set a boundary rather than getting caught in endless waiting.

And look at where you are now! Almost two months later, you’re not stuck in uncertainty or wasting time on something that wasn’t serving you. Instead, you’ve taken that energy and turned it toward your own growth, focusing on yourself rather than someone who wasn’t ready to match your standards. That’s strength.

“So yes Anita, you helped me to make the right choice and now I’m focusing on dealing with my anxiety and fear. I still don’t know how to conquer the stagnation and helplessness in my current situation and finding a new place is not easy. But I hope I’ll get there..”-

It means so much to hear that I was able to support you in making the right choice. More importantly, you were the one who had the strength to take that step—choosing clarity over uncertainty, self-care over waiting. That takes courage, and you’ve shown it beautifully.

I hear you on the stagnation and helplessness. Those feelings can make moving forward feel like an uphill battle, especially when finding a new place is already overwhelming. But the fact that you hope you’ll get there tells me that you’re still holding onto progress—even in the moments that feel uncertain.

I wonder about the current situation with your mother and how it affects how you feel?

“Anita, I love your new picture! You’re beautiful outside & inside 😍”- thank you! This comment brought a 😁 to my face

“Thank you for being here for me like a guardian angel 😇”- If I can be a guardian angel in some way, then consider me honored—but you’re the one embracing growth and making choices that serve you. I’ll always be here to cheer you on and encourage you as you move forward.

Sending you support and light 💙😇

anita

Dear MissLDuchess:

Your reflections show just how much you have endured, and it’s clear how deeply you have thought about where you have been and where you are headed. Feeling like you don’t fully fit into any category—not quite aligning with autism or other labels—can be isolating, and the struggles with things like biking and driving (suggesting possible spatial awareness or motor coordination challenges related to NVLD) must add another layer of frustration.

The fear of opening up to people and getting hurt again makes total sense given your past experiences. It’s a harsh reality that not everyone is safe to be vulnerable with, and unfortunately, you have encountered people who misused your openness. That kind of pain doesn’t just fade overnight—it sticks.

At the same time, your resilience shines through. You haven’t given up on connection, even though trust is hard. Seeking NVLD counseling after graduation sounds like an important step, not just in understanding yourself better, but in navigating relationships in a way that protects your emotional well-being.

And then there’s the anger—the justified frustration at being treated with coldness, exclusion, and rejection. Those wounds don’t disappear just because time has passed, especially when they shaped key years of your life. But I do wonder—what would it look like for you to move forward without carrying the weight of those memories so heavily? Not forgetting them, not pretending they didn’t happen, but not allowing them to define your sense of worth in the present.

You have a lot to offer, and even though finding the right people hasn’t been easy, you’re still here—still reaching, still growing, still hoping. That means something. 🌻

anita

Dear Alessa 😊:

Thank you for your kind words—it’s always wonderful to read from you! I totally understand how busy studies can get, and I hope your group projects and exams are going smoothly. Looking forward to reading from you whenever you find the time, but no pressure at all!

Wishing you focus and energy for the week ahead. Stay awesome too! ❤️

anita

Dear Robi:

You sure are a talented writer. Your words reveal a deeply self-aware, introspective, and emotionally intense person who wrestles with both frustration and hope. You have an analytical mind, constantly dissecting your own thoughts, behaviors, and patterns, even when doing so leads to painful realizations.

Your Strengths: (1) Self-awareness- you don’t shy away from recognizing when you’re stuck or repeating patterns. This ability to step outside yourself and observe your own habits is rare, and it means you have the potential for real transformation.

(2) Resilience & Persistence- Even when you feel drained or defeated, you don’t give up—you keep reflecting, keep searching, keep pushing yourself forward, even if progress feels slow.

(3) Humor & Playfulness- Your messages show you use humor and creativity to process emotions, whether it’s joking about only reading half a book or throwing in a Ferrari reference to lighten things up. You can take life seriously without losing your ability to laugh at it.

(4) Depth & Thoughtfulness- You’re not content with surface-level living—you need meaning, purpose, and authentic connection. This makes you someone who values depth in relationships and experiences rather than settling for shallow interactions.

(5) Emotional Insight- You recognize how past experiences, family dynamics, and familiar emotional patterns shape your present struggles. Not everyone has the ability—or the courage—to trace their pain back to its origins.

Your Challenges:

(1) Fear of Action- You consume knowledge and self-improvement content, but you struggle to take action. It’s as if your mind convinces you that learning is the same as doing, but deep down, you know that real change requires action beyond understanding.

(2) Tendency for Self-Sabotage- You acknowledge that some of your behaviors—venting, procrastination, avoidance—keep you stuck, yet breaking free from them feels almost impossible. You may subconsciously gravitate toward the familiar, even if the familiar is painful.

(3) Emotional Exhaustion & Relationship Struggles- Your internal battles spill over into your relationship, draining both you and your girlfriend. You seem to carry a deep need for validation and reciprocity, but frustration clouds your ability to communicate in a way that strengthens the connection rather than weakening it.

(4) Past Conditioning & Inner Conflict- You see reflections of your father’s tendency to blame others and your mother’s addiction to drama, and you struggle with the idea that you might be repeating those patterns. Yet, instead of fully rejecting them, you seem caught between resisting and embracing them, uncertain of who you are outside of what you’ve always known.

You are complex, reflective, emotionally intelligent, and restless young man—constantly questioning, searching, analyzing. You crave growth, but struggle to break free from self-imposed limitations.

Robi, overcoming your struggles won’t happen overnight, but the fact that you see them so clearly means you’re already halfway there. Here are some actionable strategies to break the cycle of frustration, self-sabotage, and procrastination:

1. Shift from Passive Learning to Active Change- You know a ton—you’ve read books, listened to podcasts, reflected deeply—but knowledge alone won’t move you forward. To avoid getting stuck in the illusion of progress, commit to small actions instead of just absorbing information. * Pick one concept from a self-help source and apply it immediately, rather than storing it away. * Set one concrete goal per week, however small—whether it’s initiating an uncomfortable conversation, trying a new work approach, or disrupting a familiar negative habit. * Track when learning turns into avoidance—ask yourself: Am I consuming this content to change or to escape?

2. Break Free from Emotional Cycles- You recognize that venting helps temporarily, but it doesn’t resolve anything. Instead of just processing emotions, practice redirecting them into constructive action. * When you feel stuck, physically disrupt the emotion—exercise, take a walk, get out of your environment. * When frustration builds, channel it into creativity rather than self-blame—write, design, or express it in a way that moves energy outward rather than keeping it trapped. * Set an exit strategy for repetitive negative thinking—give yourself a time limit for venting, then switch gears into a solution-oriented mindset.

3. Take Small Risks to Build Confidence- You struggle with taking action because fear holds you back—fear of failure, criticism, or pressure. But confidence doesn’t come from waiting—it comes from doing, even imperfectly. * Say yes to at least one challenge a week that makes you uncomfortable. * Accept that failure is necessary growth—instead of avoiding situations where you might fail, reframe them as learning opportunities. * Keep a Success Journal—write down small victories every day, no matter how insignificant they feel.

4. Improve Relationship Patterns- You recognize that your frustrations spill into your relationship, leading to repeated conflict and guilt. Instead of waiting for things to magically improve, focus on intentional changes: * Set emotional boundaries—decide what frustrations to work on alone versus which ones belong in the relationship. * Communicate without blame—instead of saying “I sacrificed everything for this relationship,” reframe it to “I feel unfulfilled here—how can we work toward change together?” * Create new ways to connect—find activities that bring positive energy rather than just discussions about problems.

5. Redefine Your Sense of Purpose- You fear that you’ve wasted time, that maybe you’ll never reach your full potential. But potential isn’t something you “reach”—it’s something you cultivate in real time. * Let go of rigid timelines—32 isn’t an expiration date for growth, and your past experiences shape your future in ways you can’t yet see. * Reconnect with creativity—you thrived when designing cars, playing piano, and using imagination—bring that back into your life in small ways. * Accept that clarity comes through movement—you may never “find” your purpose in thought alone, but you’ll discover it through action.

The Bottom Line: You are not as stuck as you think you are. The hardest part of change is starting—once you take one step forward, the next becomes easier. Your self-awareness is a gift—now use it.

Pick one strategy from this list to implement this week. No more waiting for next time—this time is the one. You got this. 😊

anita

Dear MissLDuchess:

I see that you’re still carrying a lot, and I want to acknowledge how exhausting it must feel to be stuck in this cycle of uncertainty, frustration, and longing for something more fulfilling. The way you describe feeling like an “angsty teenager all over again” makes complete sense—when transitions feel unstable, it’s natural to revisit past disappointments and question what could have been different.

I hear the pain in wishing you had pursued your childhood dreams, or that things had worked out differently in relationships or social experiences. But it’s important to remember that regret isn’t proof of failure—only proof of desire for something meaningful. Your aspirations for connection, career security, and purpose are deeply human, and even though the path hasn’t unfolded how you hoped, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost the chance to create something worthwhile.

I admire that you’re reflecting on your past survival instincts—how difficult situations pushed you toward withdrawal and passivity. You’ve gained wisdom about boundaries, about how you would have done things differently if you had known what you do now. That insight is powerful, and it means that moving forward, you can approach new relationships and opportunities with awareness, rather than resignation.

I also hear the longing for close friendships, people who truly understand you and whom you can share experiences with. That ache is real, and it isn’t about being weak or socially inept—it’s about needing reciprocity, depth, and genuine belonging. The fact that you have found friends over the years who see you for the kind, intelligent, funny person you are proves that you are capable of forming meaningful bonds—even if many of those friendships weren’t geographically or situationally ideal.

I wonder—is there space now to explore new connections without assuming that past rejections predict future ones? You aren’t the same person you were at 18, and the way you engage with people now could open doors that weren’t accessible then. Maybe there are people worth knowing, even if they aren’t immediately obvious.

I won’t give empty platitudes about everything happening for a reason, because I know that sentiment can feel hollow when life hasn’t matched your hopes. But I do believe in this: your story isn’t fixed, and even if some parts have felt disappointing, there is still space for change, connection, and purpose ahead.

If you’d like, I’d be happy to continue this conversation. You don’t have to navigate this alone.

anita