You are welcome, Clara. i will reply further Mon morning (Sun evening here). May the Force be with You, Clara (a Star Wars saying)!

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome. Fear will keep you up at night, I understand. Maybe The Serenity Prayer will fill you with some much needed serenity (it helped me countless times): god, grant me the serenity to accept the things In cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know there difference.

anita

Dear Clara:

“whenever I feel the possibility of being abandoned and the insecurity, I became angry and as Anita suggested before, I made the close-one my enemy“, “With more time apart I feel she does not need me… “-

– I bet she doesn’t need the part of you that made her the enemy (I’ll call this part of you Clara-the-Enemy).

“I feel she is not reacting the same as before. A bit cold.. May be she wants to break up? Or may be it’s been a while that she needs warm up“- maybe she feels a bit cold about meeting with Clara-the-Enemy.

I suggest that when you meet with her next, leave behind Clara-the-Enemy, and present to her only the part of you that she used to love (maybe still): Clara-the-Friend.

anita

Dear Famo:

I had a moment of recognition when I saw the photo above your screen name, and it may be that  you are using the same screen name as before..? It seems like we communicated before, but under a different account (when I click on your screen name, I don’t get your previous threads). Can you give me a link to our past communication, or tell me the month and year we talked last, and the title of the thread?

Thank you for your appreciation and sentiment!

“For about 20 days now, he has been saying that he is not feeling well and cannot keep up social relations with anyone, and this has triggered me. 1. I feel that this is the beginning of my being ignored in the relationship. 2. I feel that his friends and I are on the same level for him, and I don’t have a special place because when he said ‘no one,’ I was also included among ‘everyone.’… I remember being told by him that I’m too sensitive and that he can’t talk to me without second-guessing everything“-

– he told you that he is not feeling well. Your focus, in the quote above, was not on him not feeling well (what causes him to not feel well, when did it start, what are his symptoms, etc.). Your focus instead was on your fear of being ignored by him, and on his use of the word “anyone”, or “no one” or “everyone” to mean that you are not special to him, that you are not more important to him than other people.

Seems to me that you exhibit (many people do) The Anxious Attachment Style where you fear abandonment, and are focused on possible pieces of evidence that indicate that he is about to abandon you/ end the relationship.

If you complained to him in the past about his use of this or that word to mean more than what it meant (i.e., that he doesn’t think you are special), that would make a person second guess himself, being afraid to say the “wrong” word: the word that will trigger and upset you.

“He doesn’t share his problems with me… many times at work that he randomly shares information about his personal life and family with colleagues. I wonder why I should learn these things at work from him telling others, and not directly from him… he thought he could joke and mess around with me like with other workmates (at work), but I’m not the type to enjoy joking around“- You expressed to him that you don’t like his joking around. In other words, you rejected his expression of himself (his sense of humor) while other co-workers, I imagine, accepted and approved of his sense of humor. No wonder he feels comfortable expressing more of himself with his co-workers.

“When I ask him what’s up, he always answers with ‘nothing!‘”- this is congruent with him secondguessing himself, afraid to say something that will trigger you.

“I see myself as a thoughtful and careful person when he talks to me. I try to listen more than talk every time“- except when you get triggered?

“being ignored… I feel that… I don’t have a special place…I feel unimportant and stressed… feeling neglected in this situation“- you wrote this in regard to your relationship, but does this fit with how you felt as a child?

The above quote fits with my experience as a child: I felt painfully un-special. Other children (and adults) were getting positive attention while I was ignored and neglected. Fast forward, as a teenager and adult, I was very sensitive to any sign that I was ignored and un-special to people: words they said or didn’t say, expressions on their faces when talking to me vs talking to others, etc. Etc., often feel triggered, hurt, envious, and angry.

anita

Dear anonymous:

You are welcome and thank you for your kindness and appreciation of me and your other responders!

“It is not an easy task for me to open up… I shared few other things with my brother today and I cried during the whole conversation. I am thankful to him he patiently listened to me. I plan to gradually share  my whole story  with him. Never thought opening up would be that difficult“- healing is in sharing with/ opening up to people who will listen to you patiently and respectfully. It will get easier with practice, you will see!

“I have started  practicing meditation in the morning. It has helped me a bit“- any bit of help is a good thing.

Good reading back from you and hoping to read more. If it helps you to post here, please do, anytime you feel like it.

anita

Dear helcat:

You are welcome and thank you for being kind, telling me that you are impressed with what I shared. It’s been a privileges to watch your growth, and I hope that you do learn to like yourself without being conditional.  It makes sense to me, yes, because I too am in the process of liking myself more. It has already made a big difference to my quality of life!

anita

How are you, Robi?

anita

How are you, anonymous?

anita