Hey dear Confused:

“I was thinking maybe it was limerence and it crashed me so hard?”- I think so, now that you bring it up, yes.

Limerence is an intense, obsessive infatuation marked by intrusive thoughts about the person, emotional highs and lows based on their responses, idealization, craving reciprocation, anxiety when uncertain, and difficulty focusing on anything else. It fits what you’ve been going through!

“The dopamine crash would explain my depression as well.”- I am reading that limerence is basically the brain in a dopamine‑fueled, uncertainty‑driven loop.

Dopamine creates the feeling of craving, desire, anticipation, excitement about a possible reward, etc. It creates an “I want it feeling”, not “I’m satisfied feeling”. Limerence together with disorganized attachment can create a powerful emotional storm, which is what you’ve been experiencing.

“I wanna try and love her for real without limerence though. How can I do that? haha”- I am reading that breaking the limerence loop is about interrupting the dopamine‑uncertainty cycle that keeps the brain hooked. Uncertainty is the gasoline that fuels limerence and Clarity is the fire extinguisher, it kills limerence faster than anything else.

Fantasy creates confusion because it’s built from hopes, guesses, and “maybe.” Reality creates clarity because it’s built from what actually happens.

Here’s a writing exercise that may help replace fantasy with reality:

Take a piece of paper and write two short lists. On the left, write “Fantasy” and describe what you’ve been imagining she is like — the things you hope she feels, the perfect moments you picture, and the story your mind keeps creating.

On the right, write “Reality” and describe only what she has actually done — her real actions, real words, and real level of effort. When you finish, read both sides slowly. This helps your brain see the difference between what is imagined and what is true, so you can step out of the fantasy and back into reality.

You can do this exercise right here, on this thread, typing vs writing. I’d be interested to see it.

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

I apologize, Confused. I got Confused 😕: you started talking to her a year ago, not ten years ago. I confused the 10 years ago when you served in her country with having been in a LDR for 10 years.

A few days ago, I confused you with another member, thinking you’re 25 (I am beginning to worry about my memory declining).

You brought up fear of commitment. The term refers to a person feeling anxious, trapped, or overwhelmed when a relationship becomes more serious or emotionally intimate. Common signs include pulling away when things get close, worrying about losing independence, feeling pressured by labels or future plans, and idealizing the beginning of relationships but struggling with stability.

There are commonalities between fear of commitment and the fear involved in insecure, disorganized attachment, and I think that your fear comes from the latter. Earl y experiences where the caregiver was both a source of comfort and fear (e.g., unpredictable, frightening, neglectful, or unsafe) leads to people (in general) * wanting closeness intensely, and feeling terrified of that same closeness, * sudden emotional shutdowns, * confusion about their own feelings, * approaching and withdrawing in cycles, and * feeling unsafe even in loving relationships.

It’s not just fear of commitment — it’s fear of connection itself, because connection was historically dangerous.

Fear of Commitment is usually about long-term responsibility and expectations, often linked to the need to be independent, or to past romantic breakups (it’s like feeling ‘I am not ready’), while Fear of Closeness (Disorganized Attachment) is about emotional intimacy feeling unsafe, linked to early relational trauma. (It’s like ‘I panic when someone gets close’).

The simplest way to put it:

Fear of commitment = fear of the future of the relationship.
Fear of closeness (disorganized attachment) = fear of the experience of intimacy itself.

One is about responsibility. The other is about safety.

In my Jan 4 post, I copied AI’s input in regard to what you shared about your childhood. Here’s part of its input: “Children learn what ‘love’ looks like from their caregivers. When love is mixed with chaos, fear, or inconsistency, it often leads to insecure attachment… when closeness feels unsafe… pulling away when someone gets emotionally close, feeling smothered by intimacy… Wanting closeness but fearing it”

And in regard to your experience with her, this was part of AI’s input: “The moment she became emotionally available, his system panicked- He said: ‘I was the chaser until things got steady.’… When love is uncertain, they chase. When love becomes real, their system panics. Why? Because real intimacy = real risk.
Her poem, her confession, and the conversation about the future likely overwhelmed him.”

What do you think, Confused?

🤍 Anita

Serving in the military?

Dear Ana:

You are in a difficult situation, Ana 😟

I’ve been active in these forums every day for over 10 years and came across many stories from women, mostly Indian, who married Indian men and lived in joint family households (living with his parents and sometimes extended family). A few stories were from women who were Westerners.

The number one theme in the stories of Western women (here and in blogs elsewhere) is indeed the loss of privacy: the constant presence of family members, little time alone with the husband, family members entering rooms without knocking and feeling “watched” or evaluated. Many women say they underestimated how intense this would feel.

Western women often describe needing permission for outings, being expected to inform the family of their whereabouts, feeling infantilized and being expected to “check in” constantly, all which feels like a loss of autonomy.

Even in modern families, women often report being expected to cook daily, serving elders first, eating after others, managing household chores, and being judged for not doing things “the Indian way”
.
And there’re the infamous mother‑in‑law dynamics: women often describe MILs who micromanage them, who expect obedience, criticize for cooking, clothing, or habits; MILs who are being emotionally manipulative, competing for the son’s attention, and.. feeling like they (the wives) are never “good enough”. This is not universal — but extremely common.

Many women say that in the context of a joint family household, the husband becomes less emotionally available, that he prioritizes parents’ needs (I remember this particular complaint in stories here), that he avoids conflict with his family, and therefore sides with his mother against his wife and expects the wife to “adjust” (again, I clearly remember this complaint here in the forums. I wish I could locate those threads). All this can create loneliness/ emotional isolation for the wife.

Also, there’s a communication style differences in regard to Western directness vs. Indian indirectness leading to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and feeling like issues are never addressed openly.

Many women describe feeling excluded from conversations, being talked about in another language (I remember this complaint vividly), and feeling like they don’t belong

But it’s not all negative — many women also describe meaningful positives. Some women love always having people around, having a built‑in childcare and a sense of teamwork, emotional closeness, and feeling part of a large, warm family

Some women form close bonds with sisters‑in‑law, loving relationships with parents‑in‑law and a sense of belonging. This depends heavily on the family’s openness. Some households are rigid; others are flexible.

* Across stories, the husband’s role is the biggest predictor of success. Women do well when the husband sets boundaries with his family, supports his wife emotionally, doesn’t expect her to “adjust” to everything, communicates openly and prioritizes the marriage

* Women struggle when the husband avoids conflict, sides with his parents, expects her to fit in without support and dismisses her feelings.

Some women thrive in a communal environment. Others feel suffocated.

In your place, I would ask very specific, practical, and emotional‑reality questions before making the leap, if I would: Will we have our own bedroom and bathroom? Are there spaces in the home that are considered “off limits”? Do family members enter rooms without knocking? Will we have time alone together in the evenings or weekends?… Who cooks? Who cleans? What chores will be expected of me? Is cooking daily expected? Will I be expected to serve elders or eat after others?.. and the make‑or‑break category of questions to the husband: If there’s a conflict between me and your family, how will you handle it? Will you support me if I need boundaries? Are you comfortable saying “no” to your parents? How will you make sure our marriage stays a priority?…

What is your mother’s personality like? Does she expect obedience or independence? How does she handle disagreements? Does she expect me to follow her way of doing things? How involved is she in your daily life? Does she expect to make decisions for us? Will I be expected to inform the family when I go out? Is it okay for me to have my own friends and social life? Are there expectations about clothing inside or outside the home? Are there expectations around modesty or dress? Is it okay if I need alone time? How do you and your family handle privacy?

How does your family handle conflict? Do they talk openly or indirectly? Are disagreements discussed or avoided? The answers to these 3 questions are extremely important and it’s a problem if the potential future husband does not answer these questions directly.

I remember a thread here where a woman experienced her Indian boyfriend as independent when the two of them lived in Europe but when the two of them married and lived in India in a joint household with his parents.. he switched to a boy, totally obedient to his parents (or to his mother, I don’t remember). He reverted to his role as a child.

I hope this is somewhat helpful..? I hope to read more from you, Ana.

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

I read, in your recent post, that you were not put off by the idea of locating to her country, and that you visited it plenty of times.

Hmm, I was just wondering, out of curiosity, why you visited her, in her country, only once during the 8-months LDR?

Curious Anita

Oops, the middle messed up part- all of us can do better, even she can do better.