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anitaParticipantDear Louise: about your most recent post: think short-term. You need help now. Think about staying with him for just as long as you need to. Not for any particular length of time, and definitely not forever. Or, if you can get support elsewhere, somewhere warm, that can work too, maybe better. What is certain is that you need not be alone at this time. It needs to be someone safe for you, safe and supportive, whomever/ wherever it may be.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Louise:
You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation. Yes, I think that you should call your ex-boyfriend and take him on his offer. You are a good person, Louise, I can tell (and I have no doubt that your ex knows it!) , and you deserve help.
As tired as I am, I will next go for a 30 min walk in the light rain and back to the computer. Please feel free to post here as often and for as long as you need. I am here for you.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Louise:
I will reply further Thurs morning (it’s Wed early afternoon here, but I slept so little and so poorly last night that my thinking is very slow and getting slower). But for now, regarding “It really feels like a crisis and in the moment I don’t know what to do“- call a friend now, be it very early morning where you are at, call the man you’ve been in a relationship for 15 years. Let him help you, have you in his home for some time, as a friend. You need help/ social support. Can you do that, call him, that is?
anita
November 13, 2024 at 1:11 pm in reply to: I am having guilt-related familial issues with a guy I’m about to date #439339anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
“My aunt has done EVERYTHING for me, from spending thousands of dollars on me to fighting tooth and nail to defend me. She’s been there my entire life, and I seriously admire and respect her… I’m incredibly loyal to my family, more than anything else… It’s to the point where I can’t text or contact him without feeling that pang of guilt or imagining that look of anger or hurt on my mother and aunt’s face.. My family loves and values me and I want to do everything I can to ensure that I’m not compromising that“- if I was you, Lulu, given the quote here, I too would do everything I could to be worthy of my aunt’s love and trust.
I would explain things further to your aunt, see if she changes her mind over time. I would explain things (your guilt, your loyalty) to your boyfriend, not accusing him of anything and being kind to him, and plan on a month-long break from contacting and texting each other, a break to be re-evaluated in a month.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Louise:
As I read your posts, I had this image of a girl running away from home.
“we lived together for 6 years. For the past few years I no longer felt physically attracted to my boyfriend and I didn’t want any intimacy with him, or even physical affection“- emotionally, you ran away from the home you shared with him.
“I would often spend a few months away travelling alone over the winter“- physically, you ran away from the home you shared with him.
“I met another man. We started messaging each other and this went on for months after I returned home“- emotionally, you ran away with another man.
“Long story short, I decided I wanted to leave my long term relationship and do more travelling.. and proceeded to prepare to leave our home, and go travelling with no base“- more physical running away, only this time with no home to return to.
“Once I had left and set off travelling on my own I initially felt good but after only several days I was hit by feeling terrible, distraught that I had left my home and essentially made myself homeless… I am still travelling – something I have always loved in the past – but I feel completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy it“- generally, a child/ teenager who imagines running away from home (a place where there’s ongoing, unresolved conflict, maybe abuse, a place where he/ she feels constrained, bored and misunderstood), sometimes develops a romanticized view of running away from home, seeing it as an adventure or a path to freedom. They imagine life on the streets as exciting and free from rules, where no one can tell them what to do. This idealized view- and euphoric feelings involved- often overlooks the harsh realities, such as the dangers, hunger, and cold they might face.
Faced with dangers, hunger, cold, they may return home and feel a combination of emotions among which is Relief (a sense of safety and comfort in being back in a familiar environment) and Guilt (Feeling ashamed for having run away and the worry they caused their loved ones).
In your case (and I understand that you are an adult), you had no home to return to, so no Relief. No Relief => feeling terrible, distraught… completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy.
“I just want to be back home… I guess I have lost my mother and him in the last 6 months, probably the people I felt closest to and who brought me the most security in my life… Before we lived together I lived on my own for ten years, and I grew to really like it. For most of those years I was in the relationship with him and I liked that, living separately but seeing each other regularly. As soon as we moved in together I felt what I would say is probably a similar panic to what I feel now… The longing for freedom but then for security too. Most my adult life I have been in relationships – I think they call it a serial monogamist. But at the same time people always think I am very independent as I go away travelling a lot on my own in an adventurous way… I tend to crave excitement, especially in a relationship, and with travelling, and am easily bored“- seems to me (and please correct me if I am wrong), that growing up in your original home was a mix bag of Comfort and Conflict. There were long periods of time when you felt trapped and bored at home, yearning for freedom and excitement. Fast forward, as most often is the case, distressing childhood experience is re-experienced in adulthood.
If I am correct, your childhood/ growing up experience of conflict, entrapment and boredom needs to be addressed and processed. I hope to read your response to my thoughts and to communicate further.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
Thank you very much for your beautiful post, and I too am happy that you are here, on tiny buddha. You are an asset here. Take care and looking forward to Saturday!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:I am sorry that you feel or felt that I have not been comfortable with your thread. We are still okay, as far as I am concerned, and I will elaborate on this further in this post.I hope that you clear your mind, get some new energy and do the work you need to do so to prepare for winter. I also hope that you will be back to the forums posting in your threads, and replying to members in their own threads: the forums need people like you. I view your replies as intelligent, insightful, empathetic, honest.. valuable all the way around.“I ‘feel’ that you are not comfortable with these Buddhist topics and I now understand that you are probably not a lay Buddhist like me”- I am very comfortable with Western Secular Buddhist topics to which I was introduced by my psychotherapist (in the U.S.) in 2011.* There are some notable differences between Buddhism in Asia and Western, Secular Buddhism (the most widespread type of Buddhism in the West is secular): in Asia, Buddhism is deeply intertwined with the local culture, traditions, and daily life, including a wide range of rituals and ceremonies that are led by monks and nuns who hold significant authority. Western Buddhism has adapted to fit the modern, secular context, often emphasizing psychological and therapeutic aspects, focusing on meditation, mindfulness, and personal spiritual growth.Western (secular) Buddhism rejects the hierarchical structure (the authority and involvement of monks and nuns) in Asian Buddhism, and emphasizes individual practice and self-reliance.Western Buddhism, which emphasizes non-violence and compassion for all living things, rejects Animal Sacrifice which is practiced in Tibetan Buddhism.Western Buddhism generally rejects Divination which is widely practiced in Asia: Astrology, Tarot Reading (Using a deck of cards to gain insights into the past, present, or future), Palmistry (Reading the lines and shapes of the hands to predict future events and understand personality), Crystal Gazing (Looking into a crystal ball or other reflective surface to see visions of the future), and other divination practices.Reincarnation is a core aspect of many Asian Buddhist traditions. Many in Western Buddhism approach reincarnation beliefs (such as karma) with skepticism or interpret them metaphorically rather than literally.Back to me: if I a Buddhist (if I care to label myself), then I am a Secular, Western Buddhist.Back to your most recent post: you correctly perceived discomfort on my part in the context of this thread, but it is not related to Buddhism, secular or religious, in the West or in Asia. The discomfort was triggered when you asked me two days ago (and you were astutely aware that it may be uncomfortable for me): “May I ask you about your relationship with your mom today? Have you found peace with each other?… (I am very sorry if it is too personal and you do not have to answer if you don’t want to.)”- – when I read the question, the distress of the many, many times when people suggested to me that I should find peace with her, that I should not be angry with my mother, that I am a bad daughter/ bad person for feeling anger at her, and later, for not being in contact with her.. that distress was triggered. I was afraid that in your next reply, you will suggest the same.In your next reply to me, yesterday, you supported my no-contact choice (“I’m sure it’s a good thing you were able to end all relations with your mother”), but you also suggested: “Although I realize it’s very hard to feel compassion for really bad people, I personally believe it’s something to strive for… to get more of those nice waves in the ocean… you know“- which in my mind, meant that I should feel compassion for my mother.. and reunite with her. I then submitted my most recent, short reply, caring to reply this one time, but okay with no further communication.A few posts back I suggested using our communication as an opportunity for growth and learning. On my part, my opportunity here is to strengthen my intent and resolve to not overreact, emotionally, and to further appreciate how sensitive- and overly sensitive- many of us are when it comes to certain topics.I apologize to you, Jana, for not presenting my discomfort to you in a direct, timely fashion.Like you wrote, you have to prepare for winter and you need new energy. If our communication is draining for you at this time, but you would still like to communicate with other members, please let me know, and I will not posts in your threads (until and unless you address a post to me).In regard to compassion for my mother, I read from the link you included a few posts ago (zen habits. com): “The final stage in these compassion practices is to not only want to ease the suffering of those we love and meet, but even those who mistreat us… Try to imagine the background of that person… and what kind of bad things had happened to that person… the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way… And then reflect that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next time, and more likely to be kind to that person”--I agree with the above in moderation, in a Middle Way (Madhvamaka) kind of way (according to a balanced approach to life, avoiding extremes): in many cases of mistreatments, yes, the above is a good practice. In some cases, when the offender has a sincere desire to offend, and has no moral compass in regard to offending/ mistreating/ abusing another person, then the abused being in the life of the abuser and being kind to the abuser- is similar to a deer kindly approaching a hungry mountain lion.I am speaking from decades-long personal experience: no one in my mother’s life was even close to being as empathetic to her as I was. No one in her life, thought about and suffered more than I did because of what she went through growing up, and because of any and every hurt and pain that she experienced. I loved her SO MUCH. I was willing to do anything for her, and I did- all that I could. And more. All in vain. There is a real emotional wound within me that I don’t remember expressing the way I am expressing it now: it’s a half a century-long unrequited, unacknowledged love. How, why does a person so intensely want to hurt someone who loves them so much.. This is an old, old wound, a betrayal so intense that I keep reacting to it as if it is still happening.. because it happened so many, may times, through decades and without a single apology.As I close this long post, I feel warmth and affection for an image of my mother that I am holding in my mind right now: oh, how much, how intensely I wanted her to be happy. But this image in my mind is not the person: it is who I wished she was, who I wished she’d become: a person who loves me. The person and this image are not the same.
I want my mind and life to be further free of her, I want this wound to further heal.
Thank you, Jana, for this opportunity to grow and learn, and please: it’s okay for you to not respond to this post. I can see how it can be draining. What I shared here may be helpful to me without a reply.
Please take good care of yourself and your partner.
anita
anitaParticipantGood thing, Jana: compassion is not self-sacrifice.
anita
November 12, 2024 at 7:55 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #439306anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“I miss you both and wish there was a way I could text you guys more frequently with less depth“- at one point I offered you to communicate with me privately (email, phone), but you rejected my offer, saying maybe at another time.
I hope you find the time to respond further. Hope you are well.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Louise: I hope that soon you will no longer feel lost. I will reply further Wed morning (Tues evening here).
anita
anitaParticipantThank you for the reply, Jana, and for the link.
Good to read that you and your mother respect each other. Also, good to read about your solid relationship with your boyfriend!
“Although I realize it’s very hard to feel compassion for really bad people, I personally believe it’s something to strive for… to get more of those nice waves in the ocean… you know“- imagine a deer feeling compassion for the mountain lion approaching it. Imagine the deer thinking: poor mountain lion, he is hungry. I must help him satisfy his hunger..!
anita
anitaParticipantDear David:
It’s good to read that you feel really happy and very excited and enthusiastic!
(I am adding the boldface to the following): “We both agreed that the love had never gone but I have to admit it made it so hard for her to love me when I had no love for myself at the time”-
– Both love and respect are crucial in a marriage. Love fosters a deep emotional bond and connection between partners, creating a sense of belonging and intimacy. It involves caring for each other’s well-being and supporting one another through life’s challenges.
Respect ensures that both partners feel valued and treated as equals, which is fundamental for a healthy relationship. It builds trust and a sense of safety, as both partners honor each other. Respectful communication helps in resolving conflicts constructively, without belittling or hurting each other.
In essence, love without respect can lead to a relationship where one or both partners feel undervalued and disrespected. Conversely, respect without love can make the relationship feel cold and distant. Ideally, a strong marriage should have a balance of both love and respect, as they complement and reinforce each other.
I am looking forward to your next update, Dave. Wishing you and your family well!
anita
anitaParticipantDear John:
“It’s very difficult to convey the complexity of one beliefs and understanding, in particular how they were arrived at, without a face to face back and forth; and even then we tend to interpret what others say, based on our own assumptions“- I agree.
“However, I will try“- and so will I.
“The only truth is ‘What is.’ I came to this conclusion after many years struggling with the question ‘What is truth?’… but every so often understanding comes from.. who knows where“-
– I will take a moment to listen to an answer to What is truth?, an answer from who knows where (I will type out whatever I hear).. it is not easy to do this, as I hear a voice saying: who do you think you are? some self-doubting, self-critical voice.. nonetheless:
– The truth is I love you.
I am pausing here: the above sounds like some religious sentiment, as in I am your god, and I love you (something I doubt)
Back to the question: what is truth?
Answer: what you want it to be (self-serving).
Ask again: what is truth?
Answer: Life is not worthwhile without Love.
This is it, got it. This is Truth. I have no doubt.
There are no following thoughts doubting, like what followed previous answers.
I wish I was a giant Being collecting all the lost loveless people into my arms. Oh.. I wish I was god, or said otherwise: a loving god is an image made up by humans yearning to be loved.
The Tragedy of human society is alienation, isolation, loneliness, pervasive suspiciousness, greed, unchecked desire for power-over, for dominance.
Am I getting carried away, John?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
In reference to what I wrote here: “Each one of us is a wave in the ocean, connected, but many don’t feel the connection. many are not aware of the connection. I wasn’t until recently“, you responded:
“That is very nice and encouraging.. because you are a kind person with a good heart and deep understanding. However, you know that there are people who turned to the wrong path and they hurt other people, animals.. And I still have troubles to accept the connection with them, which you describe (above)”- I am glad you brought this up because it gives me an opportunity to explain: I do not feel a warm connection to bad people such as rapists, child molesters, human traffickers, terrorists and world leaders responsible for the deaths of millions of people. I can feel a warm connection to them only as the babies and young children that they were before they became bad people. I feel connected to them only in the sense that they are waves (unfortunately, some are huge waves) in the ocean where I am also a wave.
I do not feel empathy for bad people like the above groups I mentioned, and I am all about strictly removing them from access to potential victims.
“But I know that there’s this ‘evil seed’ in me, too“- yes, there is a bad seed in me too, and it has expressed itself many times, not in the ways I mentioned above, but in ways I most regret, ways that harmed good people. I would do anything to go back in time and correct my ways, if I only could.
“I just didn’t decide to water it“- behaviors I most regret, a particular one event, it was not a cold-hearted behavior, one that followed a decision to water a bad seed. I was swept away with emotion, and before I knew it, it was said and done. A person has to have a level of self-awareness and emotion regulation to decide what seed to water and follow through with the decision.
“I believe that there is the ‘good seed’ in them, as well. But it is not in my power to awaken this good part of them, to let them see and take care of the goodness. I don’t know how to awaken compassion in others“- I think (and wish it wasn’t so) that some people have crossed the line and the good seed is forever buried within them. Too deeply buried to awaken. In most people (I hope that it’s most), dormant good seeds can be awakened.
“as it seems to me that if I am myself, I am good and compassionate, it is interpreted as a weakness by these people (it is connected to my previous thread about fear of people)“- it is interpreted as weakness-to-be-exploited by people whose motivation is not to have compassion for you, but to have power over you for their advantage (to your disadvantage)
“May I ask you about your relationship with your mom today? Have you found peace with each other? Or have you separated and you heal her and yourself from distance? (I am very sorry if it is too personal and you do not have to answer if you don’t want to.)“- thank you for your sensitivity. I read this morning your recent reply in another thread where you shared about your mother disapproving of your choice to not have children, and reads to me that her disapproval bothers you a lot, understandably. And I understand that your relationship with your mother is ongoing. Seems to me that if I was in your place, I too would continue my relationship with her.
Problem is in regard to my mother is that My Pain was Her Pleasure. She literally enjoyed throwing verbal (and physical) punches at me (extensive, prolonged and repeated shaming/ humiliating sessions) and then watching me with a mild and yet tangible joy, a mild smile, corners of her mouth turned slightly upward, excitedly anticipating to see the pain on my face. This was true when I was a girls, and this was true last time I saw her.
No, I have no relationship with her. Her old verbal punches still follow me. My body is still reacting to those (ongoing tics, ongoing bodily tension). I don’t need new punches.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Arie:
A short walk on memory lane: the first time we communicated was in your first thread, on Feb 16, 2022, and the last time was on Aug 2, 2024. I think that the first time you mentioned your two sons was on Jan 5, 2023: “My son ended up in the hospital but is doing well now. He lives with his dad and brother. They are both older and in college“.
June 4, 2023 (9 months into your current, 2nd marriage): “I am planning on a second vacation with my 2 sons from my previous marriage. My sons are older. College age. They absolutely love my husband and he loves them“.
May 21, 2024: “My husband and I divorced 3 years ago. I am now re-married and my ex husband is re-married also“, Nov 10, 2024:
June 29, 2024: ” My sister n law invited me and my 2 grown boys who are 20 and 24 over to swim and to have a cook out a week ago… I had arrived with my youngest son and my oldest arrived a little later… Her sister’s bf started to be very obnoxious and loud. Lots of profanity… He directed that conversation to my youngest son who is 20… My son can’t stand this guy at all. ..My son mumbled f-you to the bf several times. I had told my son to be quiet, but he doesn’t care. He is like me in so many ways… My oldest son and youngest son had left because they had plans with their friends later on that day… For someone to tell me and my kids to f off, that’s telling my whole family to f off and I will never in my life forgive someone like that“.
My understanding: you have two boys from a long-term marriage (more than 20 years), divorced in 2020, and remarried in Sept 2023. You live with your current husband, and your two adult sons live/ lived with their father and his live- in fiancée. You are involved in their lives and seems like you are closer to your younger son (20) who takes after you standing up to offending people, as he took your side during that pool party. The two of you are protective of each other.
And now, to your current thread, which is about your younger son: when you got divorced from his father (2020), he “had a hard time dealing with the divorce to the point where he needed therapy. He even had thoughts of suicide“. You and his father helped him through that difficult time, and he adjusted to the divorce. At first, he lived with his father (and from one point on, with his father’s fiancée as well), and older brother, and currently, he lives in a dorm he shares with roommates while attending college.
“He and I are very close. Every week I take him to dinner and we talk about school and then go visit my parents or go do some shopping. He is very open about everything. He is also the type where he takes no crap from anyone and will tell you how it is. Two days ago… He said ‘mom…I will just tell you. I am bi… I think I like guys more. I didn’t get upset or angry at him. I said… awe honey… its ok. I just want you to be happy…. I dropped him off at his dorm and hugged him and told him I am always here for him and that I love him no matter what because he is my son. I came home and told my husband. I broke down and sobbed. ..It just hurts because his dad and I did not bring him up like this to be bi. I keep thinking that maybe this is just a phase since he is in college… Deep down I keep hoping that this is a phase, but I don’t know. I just feel so sad and I am struggling to come to terms with this.“-
– first, C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S for putting your feelings aside and telling him just what he needed to hear: that you love him unconditionally. It seems to me that he’s been very open with you about everything, including about his sexual orientation because he trusted that you love him unconditionally. Reads to me that you have been a good, supportive and loving mother all along.
Here is what I read online (Copilot) in regard to the topics and concerns you brought up in this thread: “While some individuals may experience shifts in their attractions or identities, others may have a more consistent sexual orientation throughout their lives… Some studies have found that women may report more fluidity in their sexual orientation compared to men. However, this does not mean that all women will experience changes in their orientation, nor does it imply that men’s orientations are fixed…
“College may provide a more supportive environment for exploration, which can lead to changes in how individuals identify… Sexual orientation is generally considered to be a stable aspect of a person’s identity. While some individuals might explore and better understand their sexual orientation during college, it’s not common for someone to change their orientation after coming out as gay or bi… Everyone’s journey with their sexual orientation is unique. Some people might experience fluidity in their attractions over time, but this doesn’t mean their orientation changes fundamentally. It’s more about gaining a deeper understanding of oneself.
“When a son comes out as gay or bi, a mother’s response can significantly impact his emotional well-being and the strength of their relationship. Here are some supportive ways to respond: 1. Listen and Validate: Give him your full attention and listen without interrupting. Validate his feelings and experiences by acknowledging his courage in sharing this part of his identity.
“2. Express Love and Acceptance: Reassure him that your love and support are unconditional. Let him know that his sexual orientation does not change your feelings for him.
“3. Ask How You Can Support: Ask him how you can best support him during this time. This shows that you respect his needs and are willing to be there for him in the way he needs.
“4. Educate Yourself: Take the initiative to learn more about LGBTQ+ issues and experiences. This can help you better understand his perspective and provide informed support.
“5. Respect His Privacy: Allow him to decide who else to tell and when. Respect his privacy and avoid sharing his news with others without his consent.
“6. Be Patient: Understand that this might be a process for both of you. Be patient with yourself as you navigate your feelings and any questions you might have.
“7. Seek Support: If you need support or have questions, consider reaching out to LGBTQ+ support groups or resources. They can provide valuable information and a community of understanding.
“8. Celebrate His Authenticity: Celebrate his courage to be true to himself. Acknowledge the importance of living authentically and the strength it takes to come out”.
Is this helpful?
Back in March 7, 2022, you wrote: “I am an over thinker and think the worst“- remember that this is your tendency, and that therefore, when things appear to be bad, they are likely not as bad as you think and feel, and maybe not bad at all. Try to look at situations from different angles and see the bigger picture. For example, in this situation, because your son takes after you and stands up to offending people (the pool party situation), he is not likely to engage in an abusive relationship, be it with a man or a woman: this is an encouraging, promising angle, isn’t it?
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 