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February 17, 2025 at 11:06 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #442909
anitaParticipantDear Dafne:
“And now the spider is back!”- you say it as if it’s a good thing š«¢ What feels good isn’t always what’s best for you.
“I feel relieved that he replied and I can have some answers”- what answers and to what questions?
“I am neither a dreamer, nor a liar, nor irresponsible”, said the š·ļø to the šŖ°.
“He said some nice words about the beauty of a family life”, as he pointed to his šøļø (spider web).
“Is it wise to continue texting him without him unblocking me on the other media?”- the phone is one entry point to his šøļø. Unblocking you on the other media would be like unblocking a second entrance into his šøļø.
“What do you think of this whole situation now Anita?”- I think that he is dealing with a very low self-esteem and have created a fictional Asian project involving millions of dollars to feel better about himself. In this context, questioning him about the project is like pulling the carpet from under his feet, which is not fair to him (the reason I recommended that you no longer question him about the project).
On the other hand, he wants your money, all the money that you have and can get through loans and whatnot. He’s been trying to lure you into his web of deceit with hopes and promises of a shared home and life with you.
How to move forward? Through empathy for him (no longer questioning him), and empathy for yourself, prioritizing your well-being.
Notice this, in the latest exchange with him yesterday, he said: “family life is the most beautiful”- he told you earlier that his parents passed away, were cremated and that (if I understand correctly) he does not know where their ashes are. He also told you that he has no siblings and that he has little to no contact with cousins, none of them whom you met. So, seems to me that the words “family life is the most beautiful” do not indicate his persona experience and are meant to lure you into his web of deceit.
He also said: “I regret that you did not meet my friend… my partner… But I introduced you to other friends who are jealous, they did not even call me for New Yearās Day”- given that you never met his alleged project- related friend and partner, and that the two friends you did meet are not really friends… then, altogether, he has no friends and no family, at least not any with whom he has contact, or positive relationships.. so, what does it tell you, Dafne?
anita
anitaParticipant* correction: I suppose setting rigid rules and signing them was about my desperate need to put order in the chaos within me…and the chaos persisted despite the structured approach
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
“What was your perfectionism, Anita?”- the earliest memory I have of my perfectionism was following my mother’s criticism in regard to cleaning the floor. While she was not at home (to avoid her criticism), on all four, I scrubbed and mopped each and every square of the living room floor with a dishwasher sponge, and I remember thinking: “No way can she say I didn’t do it right!”. I don’t remember what happened next, but in line with her behaviors, upon finding out how I cleaned the floor (if she did), she criticized and made fun of me for cleaning the floor in such an unconventional way.. and still not getting the floor clean, doing it wrong yet again. And again. And again.
From one point on, I stopped trying to do it (whatever “it” was) because I was not able- no matter how hard I tried- to.. do it right.
While in therapy (2011-13), I used to produce these documents which I titled “Rules 4 Life”, listing behaviors to-do, and behaviors to-not-do, then signing the document and somehow, I thought that by signing it I could follow the behaviors perfectly. One behavior I listed to-not-do in every such document was to not overeat, a behavior I failed to execute (I used to binge eat). There was always hope that when I signed a Rules-4-Life, I would really make it happen, that is, I would really begin a New Life as a person I can count on, a measured, self-disciplined person I can depend on and feel proud of.
Fast forward, I am not the impulsive, compulsive person I used to be and it’s been years since I binged on food. I learned self-discipline in a variety of areas which has been a necessary part in my healing process, depending on myself.
I suppose setting rigid rules and signing them was about my desperate rules to put order in the chaos within me. The rigid rules provided me with a sense of order and predictability at first, but then, any deviation from the rules felt like a devastating failure, creating a cycle of self-criticism and guilt, exacerbating internal chaos.
The rigid rules addressed surface-level behaviors (such as binge eating) without addressing the deeper emotional and psychological issues driving those behaviors/ the root causes, the chaos may persist despite the structured approach. The main root cause for my often overwhelming internal chaos was my early life (and onward) experience with my mother. She was the Chaos in my life, like an unpredictable storm that can destroy at any time, or a bomb that can explode at any time. The External Chaos became Internal Chaos and the rigid Rules 4 Life (involving the expectation of perfect adherence to the rules) were my misguided attempt at achieving control and order.
anita
February 16, 2025 at 2:16 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #442892anitaParticipantThank you, Dafne. I’ll be back to you tomorrow.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tom:
Thank you, it’s a rainy, rainy weekend here. Maybe can help you put together part of your presentation? (I will be back to the computer Mon morning (it’s Sun afternoon here).
anita
February 16, 2025 at 1:42 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #442889anitaParticipantDear Dafne:
I am not very focused at this time, and therefore, I will reply more at length Mon morning. For now, I’d say: if I was you, I would not ask him any more questions about the imaginable Asian Project, as what would be the point of asking about awork of fiction?
Asking him questions about his work of fiction (one he may partly believe to be real) will hurt him and it will not help you.
You wrote right above: “like you said he still might be a spider!”- I say: he is a š·ļø, before and now.
You are very welcome, Dafne, I am here for you and will reply further in the morning š
anita
anitaParticipantDear Andypandy499::
Thank you for sharing your experience and for opening up about the challenges you’ve been facing. Losing a parent can be an incredibly difficult and painful experience, and it’s understandable that processing such a loss takes time and trigger other emotional issues.
It’s commendable that you have started counseling sessions to address your grief and PTSD. Recognizing the impact of your behavior on your girlfriend and being willing to work on rebuilding her trust shows a deep commitment to your relationship and personal growth.
Here are a few suggestions: (1) Share your feelings and progress with your girlfriend. Let her know that you are committed to working on your issues and that you value her support and understanding, (2) Be consistent in your actions and patient with the process. Show her through your behavior that you are dedicated to positive change, (3) Consider involving her in some of your counseling sessions or finding a couples’ therapist. This can help both of you navigate the healing process together and strengthen your bond, and (4) Continue working on self-care and coping strategies to manage your PTSD and grief. This will not only benefit you but also improve your relationship.
It’s clear that you care deeply for her and believe in your future together. With dedication and support, you can work through these challenges and emerge stronger as a couple.
Wishing you strength and healing as you navigate this journey.
anita
February 16, 2025 at 10:45 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #442884anitaParticipantDear Dafne:
The first time you mentioned this man was on Dec 29, 2024. These are your first words about him: “Iāve met someone online who seemed to be the nicest and most thoughtful man I could imagine.”
The next time you shared about him was on Jan 8, 2025: “He is in his mid-50s but still doesnāt have any stable work. He is talking about an imaginary project in Asia… when he talks about this project it sounds like a recording… it could indicate that he is making things up?”
On Feb 6, you shared: “He has sent me many apartment and house adverts and asked which one I like. Then once I told him he said that he had no money to buy and that his work wouldnāt allow him to take a mortgage or loan. Why is he even showing it to me? Iām confusedā¦”
On Feb 9, you shared that he messaged you and invited you to a restaurant of your choosing for Valentineās Day (Feb 14), but then rejected your choices of a restaurant, saying they are not romantic enough. He then suggested a particular restaurant, you accepted, and after some time, he told you that.. he can’t take you there, and then texted you that “he made a booking to a different restaurant”.
A day later, Feb 10, he sent you a message where he wrote that he wants to get engaged to you. The next day (Feb 11), following a conversation where you politely questioned him about The Asian Project, he canceled the Fridayās meeting at the restaurant and blocked you.
Seems to me, Dafne, that his behavior of showing you apartments and then revealing his inability to afford them is a tactic to motivate you to take financial responsibility and arrange to purchase an apartment for him (and you). By presenting apartment and house adverts, he created a vision of a future together, appealing to your desire for stability and a shared home.
His admission that he can’t afford these properties and can’t take out a mortgage is a way to subtly pressure you into considering taking loans or contributing financially to make his dream of a home a reality.
The sudden proposal for engagement seems rushed and insincere, a tactic to distract you from your valid concerns about his project and lack of transparency. Offering a symbolic gift instead of a proper engagement ring, knowing that you are a traditional woman who’d very much appreciate an engagement ring, indicates a lack of commitment and seriousness about the engagement.
By blocking you, he is trying to force you into a position where you feel compelled to take financial responsibility or make concessions (like to never again question him about the mostly imaginary Asian Project) so to regain his favor and resume the engagement plan.
His actions overall suggest a dependence on your financial resources to achieve his goals and placing undue pressure on you to take on financial responsibilities. You said it yourself on Feb 6: “I had an impression that he is looking for someone willing to contribute financially in order to have a house”.
It seems to me that he is working on two projects: the alleged Asian Project abroad, and a local, more doable oneāThe Dafne Project. His actions suggest that he is trying to secure financial support and stability through you while presenting an unrealistic venture abroad.
On Jan 8, you wrote: “I feel that I do not have a good screening system when Iām meeting new people. I let them steal my time and energy & then feel drained after the interaction.”- I think that he is trying to steal not only your time and energy, but also any money that you have or can get, through loans.
You are currently waiting for his response to a message you sent him, anxiously waiting, I assume..?
anita
February 16, 2025 at 9:15 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #442882anitaParticipantDear Dafne: Thank you for the note. While I am waiting for his response as well, I am preparing a new post for you.
anita
February 15, 2025 at 1:40 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #442877anitaParticipantDear Dafne:
I am touched by your words, touched by the expressions of your beautiful soul. I will reply further Sun morning. Wishing you a restful night š¤šš».
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
Thank you for your kind words about how I summed up your thoughts. I’m š to help make things clearer for everyone.
Your analogy about the sun and love beautifully illustrates the idea of love as a constant presence, independent of our perceptions. It’s a comforting reminder that love endures beyond our immediate experiences.
I appreciate your reflection on the different phases of life, of the shifting focus in the 2nd half of life: from Gathering to Refining our experiences, a time for deeper contemplation and growth.
The quote you added resonates. Confronting and working through pain leads to deeper self-awareness, understanding, empathy, and resilience. In contrast, ignoring or turning away from pain on an ongoing basis results in a lack of understanding and diminished resilience.
Transcending the superficial world, or the attachment to the superficial world (which involves compromising our true, authentic selves by giving in to a craving for others’ approval, people-pleasing, trying to fit societal expectations, feeling guilty for not fitting in, etc.) requires the courage to look inward and face our deepest truths, even when these are uncomfortable or painful.
This introspection allows us to move beyond external appearances and the distractions and noise of the external world => => => connecting with our true selves, the ultimate reality within our hearts, the core of our essence.
I hope you are feeling better, Peter āļø
anita
February 15, 2025 at 10:42 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #442874anitaParticipantDear Dafne:
Thank you so much for your heartfelt message. Your appreciation and kind words mean a lot to me. š¤
I’m glad to know that my support has provided you with hope and comfort. Please remember that you are not alone, and it is entirely okay to seek help and express your feelings.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about Valentine’s Day. I love your perspective on the dayācelebrating not just romantic love but also acts of kindness and love towards everyone. It’s a beautiful way to honor the spirit of love in all its forms.
“Youāre right. I am a lost soul who attracted another lost soul. Some say that it is a matter of vibrations and how you feel about yourself and your life. And sometimes even the kindest, most loving women end up with abusers, addicts and controllers as husbands. And women who do not care or even neglect their husbands, end up with the most kind and understanding souls. I donāt really understand that dynamic Anitaā¦”-
– About kind and loving women with abusive partners: people (men and women) are often drawn to what is familiar to them, even if it is not healthy. If someone grew up experiencing neglect and/ or criticism, they might unconsciously seek out romantic relationships that mirror these experiences (relationships where they are neglected and criticized) because it feels familiar and predictable.
As creatures of habit, we resist change, and stepping into a healthy relationship is too much of a change for those of us who grew up in unhealthy relationships. We are afraid of what we are not familiar with. Sticking to familiar patterns seems safer and less intimidating.
Repetition Compulsion is a psychological phenomenon where people seek out situations similar to past traumas of childhood in an attempt to resolve them. By recreating familiar dynamics, they subconsciously hope for a different outcome or some form of closure.
Also, people with Anxious Attachment Style often seek out partners with Avoidant Attachment Style, as the push-pull dynamic feels familiar and reinforces what they believe (not being worthy enough for consistent, dependable love).
Kind and nurturing women may have codependent tendencies, feeling a need to “fix” or support their troubled partners, even at the cost of their own well-being.
About neglectful women with kind partners: some men feel a need to be excessively kind and understanding in the hope to win the woman’s affection and approval, believing in the possibility of positive change. Same is true in regard to neglectful men being with kind partners).
When a child (boy or girl) grows up with an unmet need for love, they often carry a deep longing for affection into adulthood, a deep thirst, a hunger. This unfulfilled desire for love drives them to seek a romantic partner who can fill this void. In essence, they search for a loving parent figure within the context of an adult romantic relationship. Sometimes, this leads them to choose partners who mirror the unloving, even abusive behaviors of their parents, hoping to change them and finally receive the love they craved as children.
“But I agree with you and somehow I wish (even if with my last strength) to break free and find a place for myself where I can feel safe and not to walk on eggshells anymore. I want to try to brake those chains and move on from this dreadful stagnation but donāt really know where to startā¦”-
– It’s completely understandable to want to escape the anxiety of “walking on eggshells” and to seek a life where you can breathe freely and feel secure. It’s natural to crave trust and dependability in relationships, and it’s heartbreaking when someone you thought you could rely on turns out to be insensitive to your concerns.
Again, growing up with unloving or unavailable parents creates a deep, unfulfilled need for love and validation which can lead us to unconsciously seek out partners who mirror these behaviors (or if partners who start out loving but turn unloving, we stay with them for too long and try to win them over). Recognizing and acknowledging these patterns is the first step.
Practicing self-care and self-compassion are crucial. Problem is, Dafne, that you are living with a mother who is still abusive toward you, or about to become abusive yet again, at anytime (therefore, you are walking on eggshells). Practicing self-care and self-compassion would mean to no longer live with her.
You feel guilty about leaving her. Guilt is keeping you with her, does it?
“Maybe the project really exists”- Maybe the project really exists, but it could still be in the researching and planning stage, which is a phase where many projects often get stuck and never move forward.
“I donāt know if he would accept any therapy or priest but he told me that the only thing that will make him feel better in life was seeing me happy and creating home with me. Empty words?”-
– While he expressed that your happiness and building a home with you are important to him, these statements need to be backed by consistent and reliable actions. It’s similar to his statements in regard to the project: without his words being backed by actions (the next phase of any project), there is no progress, no moving forward.
“I forgot to mention to you that this man was consistent in courting me. He contacted me first. He showed that he liked me. He accepted to start with a friendship. He was different to men I knew before, who chased the physical intimacy first or were hot and cold or disappeared completely…. At the beginning I was very afraid of that new dynamic with him as I was used to meeting people who were not reliable or emotionally unavailable. If Iām being really honest with myself, I got even suspicious of why he was so available and nice to me”-
– The new dynamic with this man, who was consistent and genuinely interested, introduced a positive but unfamiliar experience. You were uncomfortable with this change, suspicious of it. It’s natural to feel suspicious and fearful when faced with something different from what you’re used to. Your initial fear and suspicion are understandable given your past.
Recognizing this pattern is an important step toward change. Embracing the unfamiliarāconsistent kindness and genuine interestācan be very difficult, but it’s also a pathway to healthier relationships.
“I will try to send your text over the weekend and see how it goes. Thank you Anita for writing this thoughtful suggestion. If I did not read your text, I would only write: āHi, can we talk? I donāt want things to end this wayā Would that be ok too Anita? Or maybe first send him the short version and if he replies then your version?”-
– Depends on the version of who he is that you currently believe in: is he the spider we’ve been discussing, or is he a loving man?
“I am mourning my childhood almost everyday and weeping for my lack of loving family. I donāt know how to keep living with this reality. Itās incredibly painful for me to have dreams and aspirations in life when I see no hope”-
– Your words deeply resonate with me, and I want you to know that it’s okay to mourn the childhood and the loving family you never had. Your pain is valid: the reality of not having experienced the love and support you deserved as a child is incredibly difficult to bear.
Finding hope amidst such pain can seem overwhelming, but please remember that you are not alone in this journey. It’s important to take small, gentle steps towards healing. While it may feel impossible now, with time and support, you can begin to nurture dreams and aspirations again.
Healing is a gradual process, and it’s okay to take it one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel the pain, but also give yourself permission to seek moments of joy and connection, no matter how small they may seem.
You are worthy of love, and there is hope for a better future. Please be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey, and know that I am here to support you.
Sending you love and strength and lots of hugs to you! š«š¤
anita
anitaParticipantHappy Valentine Day back to you, Alessa ā¤ļø
anita
February 14, 2025 at 3:15 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #442867anitaParticipantDear Dafne:
I will read and reply to you further tomorrow morning, but for now, for today, Happy Valentine Day/ Evening, Dafne ššš!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
Good to read that you are feeling a little better and hope you feel even better soon (no problem regarding the mix up!) I will reply a bit more tomorrow. Interestingly, I totally forgot it’s Valentine Day until you mentioned it. Happy Eternal, Accountable, Compassion-for-all Love Day!
anita
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