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anitaParticipantDear beni:
I am sorry for the crowded format of my previous post. I will share about my Fused Identity Enmeshment Story in the simplest way possible:
Like any and every baby and young child, I too was enmeshed with my mother (primary caretaker). My identity and her identity were one (in my baby’s/ young child’s not yet done-developing brain). A separate identity on my part was supposed to develop with time and space.
My mother regularly and frequently expressed a lot of intense emotions to me (and to others, in my presence): intense hurt, shame, RAGE, suicide ideation, suicide and homicidal threats, all in very emotional, often loud voice, very emotional facial expressions, with dramatic physical gestures, lots of crying. Her undisciplined, over-emotionality dominated all of the space in my mind and heart.
It was almost entirely just me and her living in tiny apartment for the first 6 years of my life, before my sister was born. (My father was largely absent). And I spent all of my time outside of school, from 6 years-old and onward, inside the apartment. So, there were no significant social influences in my life growing up to counteract, or balance my mother’s influence on me.
For a child’s separate identity to emerge and develop, there must be space for it. My mother didn’t allow any space for me. So, no separate identity for me: I didn’t know what I felt or what I was supposed to feel. I remember watching a movie with her in the small bedroom: I watched her face looking for her emotions to register on her face, so to have a clue as to what I was supposed to feel. I was indecisive about everything, couldn’t figure ot my wants and preferences. I lived most of my adult life like a ship lost at sea, letting outside forces (the wind above, the water currents below) decide for me where I go and what I do.
The way a child knows what the mother feels is through empathy. Because she expressed so much emotional pain, my healthy empathy quickly turned into a source of great pain. It was no longer something healthy: it was an emotional burden that caried on to my experiences with other people. To care for others meant to be in pain. This empathy-gone-wrong has been a great hindrance in my prospects of connecting with others for help and support.
Things are changing for the better as a result of my emotional healing journey. I will be glad to share more with you if you relate to what I shared so far, and if you are interested in further Commnication with me.
anita
anitaParticipantDear beni:Thank you for sharing these deeply introspective and heartfelt posts on this tread. You expressed a very strong empathetic reaction to seeing people who appear alienated or dissociated. You seem to connect with their pain on a very deep level, which is overwhelming. Your emotions surface gradually, starting with depression and transitioning to anger. The emotional turmoil manifests physically, making it hard for you to function normally. This shows the strong mind-body connection in your very strong empathetic response.You use self-soothing techniques like holding yourself and massaging your belly to provide comfort. This is a healthy and nurturing response to your feelings of alienation and distress. Engaging in belly breathing can help calm your nervous system and reduce stress. It’s a practical way to manage your physical symptoms.I followed your posts, beni, since your first, on June 18, 2023. In your first thread you shared: “I think when I see someone having the same pain I feel understood on a deep level and it allows me to feel this pain too. Also it makes me quite scared to be out in the world. Cause I could lose myself“, and “I see her now and in sometimes I see myself… I belief she couldn’t give me space, maybe I was part of meeting her needs. Like when you ask “how are you” but actually you create space to tell how you feel“, as well as:“I’m often stuck in knowing what I want but not how and then I just start going to figure it out. Often doing it feels like a burden and there is little joy. I talk about stuff which is fun like Painting, Gardening“, and“It feels like I see the start and the end but no in between. The in-between is scary. It’s restless”.On Nov 23 this year you shared: “I could not differentiate myself from others“, and today, in your post an hour ago: “I can not differentiate myself from others well. And i will mask / suppress myself.“What I see in these quotes and in the totality of what you shared in your three threads is a person whose identity has been fused with his mother’s identity, an enmeshment that extends to other people as well. This lack of differentiation, while it allows you to feel a lot (too much) empathy for others, it is accompanied with confusion, indecisiveness, lack of motivation, difficulties in asserting independence and in developing a distinct sense of self.If, like it happened to me, you internalized your mother’s expectations, emotions, and behaviors, it creates significant internal conflict and confusion about your own desires and needs. Feeling responsible for your mother’s emotions, the constant burden of managing external emotions and expectations (your mother’s, others’) understandably drain the intrinsic motivation needed to find joy in activities, even those that are personally meaningful to you.Working with a therapist, especially one experienced in family dynamics and enmeshment, can help you develop a stronger sense of self and healthier boundaries. Practices like journaling can help you further explore your own thoughts and feelings independently of your mother’s influence. Maintaining your current personal boundaries can help you build confidence in your own agency and reduce the emotional burden of managing others’ feelings.More about enmeshment and my personal experience of having been enmeshed with my mother for decades in my next post.anitaanitaParticipantHello Jana:
Thank you for your encouragement. It makes me 😊 to follow your healing journey, documented here in the forums!
I can see the snow on the mountains around here. Maybe it will be a white Christmas. I hope that you are enjoying the Christmas atmosphere.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued: the revival, for a moment, of ALL, of everything that has been oh, so tragically buried for so long, and now erupts just a bit, to the surface, all the unlived life, all the togetherness that wasn’t there, a togetherness longed for so deeply for so long. Loneliness endured for too long, way too long, a death in the midst of life.
anita
anitaParticipantDear beni: I will reply to you Mon morning (it’s Sun eve here)
anita
December 15, 2024 at 8:52 am in reply to: How healthy is the idea that you are 100% responsible #440693anitaParticipantDear Danny:
I want to dive deeper into the distinction between guilt, blame and responsibility, and how they relate to radical acceptance:
Guilt involves a moral judgment, where a person feels they have done something wrong or have failed to do something that was the right thing to do. It often carries a heavy emotional weight, leading to feelings of shame and self-blame.
Living with guilt can be toxic and damaging, being that feeling guilty all the time is harmful to one’s mental and emotional health, leading to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and depression, especially when it pertains to situations beyond one’s control, such as being abused, diagnosed with an illness, or losing loved ones.
If someone is abused, it is not their fault. They did not cause the abuse. Feeling guilty for being in an abusive situation is very harmful because the responsibility lies with the abuser, not the victim. Feeling guilty about being abused (or about having an illness, or about losing loved ones), leads to unnecessary stress and emotional pain because it implies that the person is to blame for something they couldn’t prevent.
Feeling guilty for things that are not within our control—such as abuse, illness, or the death of loved ones—is unfair and harmful. Instead, it’s healthier to understand that these situations are not our fault and to focus on healing and self-compassion.
Responsibility, on the other hand, is about understanding and owning the outcomes of one’s actions. It’s about recognizing the role we play in certain situations, but not assuming blame for things beyond our control.
Taking responsibility means being accountable for our own actions and their consequences. For example, if you miss a deadline at work because you procrastinated, taking responsibility would involve acknowledging that your actions (or lack thereof) caused the missed deadline.
Responsibility isn’t just about negative consequences. It also involves owning the positive outcomes of our actions. If you work hard and achieve success, taking responsibility means acknowledging your effort and contribution to that success.
In many situations, our actions or decisions contribute to the outcome. Recognizing the role we play means understanding how our behavior influences the situation. It’s about identifying what we can control and how our choices impact those areas. For instance, we can’t control the weather, but we can choose to carry an umbrella if rain is forecasted.
There are many factors in life that we cannot control, such as natural disasters, other people’s actions, or genetic predispositions to certain illnesses. We should not blame ourselves for these uncontrollable factors.
Imagine you are driving and using your phone, and you get into a car accident, hitting a car in front of you. Responsibility is you acknowledging that being on your phone caused you to not notice the car in front of you stopping, leading to the accident. You take steps to avoid distractions while driving in the future (no more using the phone while driving). You don’t assume responsibility for the other driver’s actions or the weather conditions that might have contributed to the accident. Those factors are beyond your control.
If another driver hits you, you are responsible for how you respond to the situation—calling emergency services, exchanging insurance details, etc. You don’t blame yourself for the other driver’s reckless behavior. That’s their responsibility, not yours.
Focusing on responsibility over blame empowers you to take control of what you can change. It shifts the focus to proactive behavior and personal growth. Recognizing what is beyond your control helps reduce unnecessary self-blame and fosters a healthier mindset. Taking responsibility is empowering because it focuses on what we can control—our actions, reactions, and decisions. It encourages proactive behavior and personal growth.
Radical acceptance involves fully accepting reality as it is, without judgment or resistance. This doesn’t mean endorsing harmful situations, but rather acknowledging their existence and our feelings about them. By accepting what we cannot change, we reduce the suffering caused by resisting or denying reality. This acceptance allows us to focus our energy on what we can control—our responses and actions moving forward.
You are not responsible for the abuse inflicted upon you. The abuser is responsible for their actions. However, you can take responsibility for your healing and the steps you take to ensure your safety and well-being moving forward.
Feeling guilty for being in an abusive relationship is misplaced. It’s important to shift the focus from self-blame to self-compassion and empowerment.
Accepting what we cannot change allows us to redirect our energy towards actions that can make a positive difference. It’s about finding the balance between accepting reality and taking proactive steps within our sphere of influence.
Radical acceptance fosters a healthy mindset by encouraging us to focus on constructive actions. It’s not about accepting blame for what we are not responsible for.
In my case, growing up (more accurately, growing into/ stagnating in shame and guilt), my mother made me feel responsible for her pain, which is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse. This guilt has been so vey toxic and damaging to me because it was based on false accusations and a distorted view of reality. Living with this guilt can led to me feeling worthless, ashamed, and deserving blame. This guilt was imposed on me unfairly (I now say, didn’t know it for decades, not fully) and does not my your true worth or actions.
I am not responsible for my mother’s abusive behavior. Her actions were her own choices, and she is accountable for them. I did not cause her to hit me or call me names; those were her decisions.
Taking responsibility in this context means recognizing that I have the power to heal and take control of my life moving forward. It’s about understanding that now (in the present time) I can choose how to respond to these past experiences. Even though I couldn’t control what happened to me back then, I can control my responses and actions now: I can choose to focus on healing and personal growth. I can take positive actions to improve current situation and future. This mindset shift helps move from feeling like I am now (an adult, living far away and being in no contact with my mother) a complete victim of my past to ===> seeing myself as a survivor and a thriver. It’s about recognizing my agency and resilience.
anita
December 14, 2024 at 2:52 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #440580anitaParticipantDear Robi:
Robi, June 8, 2018: “’I’ve never really liked my parents that much. Well. when I was really young (kindergarten young), I used to cry every time they took me there and I used to love spending a lot of time with them, but I guess things changed on the way. I began not really liking them or respecting them that much. One of the things I hated about them was the fact that in secondary school, after my courses I had to go to their workplace and spend the day there with them until they finish and go home together. I didn’t like that. I wasn’t really doing anything but existing there.“.
Robi, Feb 18, 2024: “I was born in ’92 in Eastern Europe and I grew up in a flat with my parents. I didn’t have my own room, or my own space – that wasn’t a priority for my parents. Most of my childhood I’ve lived in a guest room which served also as a storage room for my parent’s stuff. The door was made of glass, so I’ve had no privacy. No effort has been made to make the room more suitable for me. I often felt like I wanted to hide, to keep something to myself…During summer holidays we would go to our lake house. We would spend months in total there. I hated it. I kept telling my parents I didn’t want to be there, but the answer was always the same. They didn’t want to spend their time in the city, they wanted to relax. Similarly, at the lake house we all slept in one room, and I didn’t get much space for myself. Also, I’ve had no friends there. I felt alone and caged.“
Robi, Dec 14, 2024: “I keep running and I don’t seem to want to root myself anywhere. The moment I start growing any roots I want to leave. Why am I even here in Warsaw? What am I doing in this cold country? Why am I wasting my years living an unrooted life? Don’t I want to build anything? Don’t I want a family? These days I’ve been thinking more and more maybe I shouldn’t be here at all. Maybe I should break up with my girlfriend and of course…(you guessed it), start over. I find myself having to find reasons for being in this relationship and question if I actually love my partner. I thought that’s why I first moved from Spain to Poland the first time, and the second time this year. Sometimes all this is so confusing. Let me guess.. same philosophy applies here too? Easy job, easy life, easy relationship. I seem to want to live a life of no effort at all.“-
My analysis of the above (the boldfaced are your exact words taken from the above quotes): I think that you want to live a life of no effort at all because you are exhausted from years of running away from being alone and caged with parents who did not understand you, having no space for yourself, not doing anything but existing, and then running back to being alone and caged. Then running away and then back.
I think that as an adult, you’ve been running physically, more like flying to different places, away from home aka the cage. But way before that you’ve been running back and forth emotionally, and that has been exhausting. You could be just sitting there, but running-inside, unsettled, stress hormones secreted into the blood, making the heart run, or more accurately, prepare to run by pumping more oxygen into the blood, reaching the muscles, preparing for a physical run that never takes place.
The early part of you that used to cry every time they took you to kindergarten, the part of you that used to love spending a lot of time with them, that part is still within you running toward your parents, emotionally running, sometimes physically (flying back home to them). There is another part of you that changed on the way and began not really liking them or respecting them, even hated them. This part is within you, running away from them.
There is a conflict between these two running parts, and the running is exhausting. no matter you get so exhausted in regard to work and your relationship with your girlfriend. Everything is exhausted when there is a serious, ongoing conflict within.
If all of you wanted to run away from your parents, life would’ve been so much easier for you and autonomy accomplished. It’s the conflict that’s exhausting you and keeping you stuck.
Fact is that your parents- for whatever reasons- disregarded your emotional and social needs, and therefore, your childhood was marked by neglect/ an absence of emotional support, and lack of personal space, leading to your long-standing feelings of restlessness and uncertainty, feelings that accompany a sense of alienation/ of not belonging.
Is this analysis of any help, Robi.. maybe?
As far as winter here, it’s very, very windy today, scary windy.
anita
December 14, 2024 at 1:03 pm in reply to: How healthy is the idea that you are 100% responsible #440565anitaParticipantDear Danny:
Thank you for sharing such a thought-provoking perspective. Radical acceptance is a complex concept, and it’s important to explore it from different angles.
Regarding responsibility for situations like abuse, illness, or loss: You’re absolutely right—it’s not about blaming oneself for events that are beyond one’s control. Being in an abusive relationship, getting diagnosed with cancer, or experiencing the loss of a loved one are not things for which one can or should take personal responsibility. Assigning blame to oneself for these circumstances can indeed be toxic and damaging.
What radical acceptance can mean instead is recognizing the reality of these situations without self-blame and focusing on how we respond to them. It’s about accepting the present moment and all its complexities, then deciding what actions we can take to move forward. This perspective emphasizes personal agency and resilience, rather than culpability.
For example:
- If you’re in an abusive relationship, acceptance might mean acknowledging the reality of the abuse and seeking support so to exit the relationship and to make the best choices for your well-being overall.
- If you’re diagnosed with a serious illness, it might involve recognizing the situation, seeking the best possible care, and finding ways to nurture your physical and emotional health.
So, while we can’t control everything that happens to us, we can strive to take mindful, compassionate action in response to life’s challenges. It’s about balancing acceptance of what is with proactive efforts to shape what can be.
Looking forward to hearing more thoughts on this!
anita
anitaParticipantContinued: how strange life is, how very strange: difficult to adjust to how odd and how, oh so often, how unacceptable reality is. And yet, accepting it is the only option that can, maybe, maybe, oh please, maybe lead to a better, more acceptable reality, a reality where Crazy is not the Normal.
Growing up in Crazy, and realizing today (again) that the world is profoundly Crazy (it’s like a dream, a bad dream): how, why are people so cruel to other people, like the Assad people in Syria, in the news, crushing people’s bodies in between two metal surfaces, throwing acid on people’s faces.. really, how Crazy can Crazy get.
Crazier than anyone’s imagination can get.
How did humanity get so Wrong, so Cruel.. is there a way to Right and Good, good.. what a lovely word, good.
My heart is breaking tonight for all the people suffering unspeakable sufferings by other people.
I am almost, most recently, overcoming my sufferings created by my own mother, but knowing there is so much more cruelty, so widespread. I don’t know: what can I do, how can I help, how can I make a difference..?
anita
anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
“No need to apologize, truth is truth“- thank you. Truth to be said: you, artarkala, you are (!) a good person.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued: I feel right now, or felt it a short moment ago, how I felt ages ago, felt and forgot: how deeply I longed to reach my mother, to break the solid barrier between her and me, to make her understand. Since then, I’ve been trying to reach other unreachable people, with my best- and my not so best- logic and analyses. All in vain.
My Healing is about letting go of trying to reach the unreachable. Let go and reach those who are reachable to one extent or another, as no one is perfectly.. anything.
As I was trying to reach my mother, I grew increasingly angry and frustrated over the years, because of my failures to reach her. I definitely took my failures personally. I spent MASSIVE amounts of time and energy trying.. all in vain. Sometimes I see her in my mind’s eye understanding, finally, a mental image of understanding and empathy registering on her face.
I was born into a lost cause of understanding, to a chronic, long-term misunderstanding.
No More Reaching the Unreachable.
anita
anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
Good to read back from you, and thank you for sharing your update with me. I know the breakup must have been a tough decision to make.
You mentioned that you felt it was disrespectful to stay in the relationship while expressing dissatisfaction. This shows self-awareness and integrity on your part. It’s important to recognize that relationships thrive on mutual respect, honesty, and effort from both partners.
When one partner consistently feels and expresses dissatisfaction, it can create a dynamic where the other partner feels unappreciated or demoralized, despite their best efforts. This can erode the person’s self-esteem and the foundation of trust and respect that a healthy relationship needs.
By acknowledging this and making the difficult decision to end the relationship, you’re prioritizing both your well-being and that of your (now ex) partner. It takes courage to make such a decision, especially when there are conflicting feelings involved.
I want to apologize to you, antarkala, for the harshness in my previous message of Aug 2. I realized today, upon re-reading it, that some of my words were harsh and judgmental, and I am sorry for that. It’s important to approach these discussions with empathy and understanding, and I regret any discomfort my words may have caused you.
* I wrote in my Aug 2 post: “no one is a good person or a bad person for how one feels. It’s our words and actions, over time, that determine if we are good or bad people, or a mix of the two“- and I still agree with this.
I also wrote: “you choose to be in a relationship with this man, and you’ve repeatedly expressed to him that he is unsatisfactory. I’d say that for that, in this context, you are a bad person. I was a bad person in certain contexts, and I am (still) fixing it, wanting to be a good person in all contexts“- I would like to re-write this today, without the label “bad person“: you chose to be in a relationship with this man, even though you often felt and expressed dissatisfaction. It’s important to recognize how this dynamic is challenging for both of you. I’ve had similar experiences where I acted in ways that were not fair to others, even ways that were harmful to others, and I sincerely regret it. I’ve been working on improving myself in those areas. We all have aspects of ourselves to work on, and it’s a continuous journey of growth.
It’s not about labeling someone as a good or bad person, but rather understanding and being mindful of how our words and actions can affect others, as well as being mindful of our needs and legitimate rights within relationships.
Focusing on healing yourself now is a wise decision. Taking the time to understand your feelings, rebuild your confidence, and reflect on your needs and values will help you move forward with clarity and strength. If you ever need someone to talk to further, please feel free to reach out to me. Wishing you all the best on your journey of healing and self-discovery.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued: It’s the real thing, it is really happening: free, finally confident in myself, finally.. not so, oh so sensitive about others’, anyone’s, and no one in particular’s judgments of me.. oh, the RELIEF.. finally, being okay with me being me, finally. Being me is okay with me.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
I am experiencing less fear, less discomfort, less distress. I am experience acceptance of reality, acceptance of my emotions, of others’ emotions, and a newfound belief that I have the right and the obligation to prioritize my mental-emotional health. It’s amazing how I placed myself last all those years, as if I was too bad of a person, too unworthy to be cared for, to be prioritized.. by my own self.
I do want to, and I will, leave my mother behind, in my mind, and move on and beyond that one person I had the misfortune to enter the world through.
It’s amazing, incredible.. being mentally-emotionally IMPRISONED for so long, to claim freedom from alleged inferiority and unfounded guilt.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
Thank you for your kind words about my writing.
I understand that answering how this is changing your experience of life can be complex. Language can indeed be troublesome when trying to capture the nuances of our inner experiences.
Maybe it helps to think about specific moments or feelings you’ve noticed since these changes began. Sometimes, reflecting on small, everyday experiences can provide insights into the broader picture.
“You are the universe experiencing itself.“- Alan Watts.
I’m looking forward to hearing more about your thoughts!
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 