Dear Tom:

Thank you for sharing this with me. I think it’s great that you’re considering therapy—it can be incredibly helpful when you find the right therapist and the right approach. You might want to explore one or a combination of the following:

1. Trauma-Focused Therapy
Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) – Helps reframe negative thoughts and beliefs shaped by trauma.

Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE) – Gradually reduces fear and anxiety by confronting distressing memories.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) – Uses guided eye movements to process traumatic memories without needing to verbalize them.

2. Therapy for Overthinking & Anxiety
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – Helps challenge negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Mindfulness-Based Therapy – Encourages present-moment awareness to reduce excessive rumination.

3. Therapy for Family & Relationship Impact
Therapy that explores how childhood experiences shape current relationships and emotional responses.

I completely understand that figuring out where to start can feel overwhelming, but even taking the step to research options is a significant move forward.

I appreciate you keeping me updated, and I’ll be here to listen whenever you need. No matter what, just know that you’re doing the best you can in this moment, and that’s enough. Wishing you clarity as you navigate this period—I believe in your ability to find what works for you.

anita

And I am okay with you giving me advice because I trust you.

anita

Dear Lucidity:

Thank you for your deeply introspective message. I’m genuinely grateful for our conversations—they feel like discovering a twin sister I never knew I had, someone so similar to me, so compatible in thought and understanding. Thank you so much for simply being you.

Here, I’ll be thinking out loud as I respond to what you shared:

“It is true that I have been the more resistant to allowing my family’s dysfunction to infiltrate what I know is my reality, and I am the more rebellious of my sister and me… But then I also see that I accommodated my family’s narrative, stayed silent at my mum’s mistreatment of me… What does that do to someone to have these two conflicting personality traits?”-

It creates deep inner conflict, and with conflict comes distress. Holding both defiance and compliance within you means constantly navigating opposing forces—wanting to resist but feeling trapped by the environment around you.

“In the same way, applying this to my sister who was… always more submissive in nature, less confrontational—what does it do to a person like her…?”-

It likely made her far less conflicted or distressed—if at all. Being the younger sibling, she had the advantage of observing what happened to you when you weren’t always submissive, and she decided she didn’t want to experience the same consequences. You didn’t have that privilege—you were born first and had to navigate everything firsthand.

“I think this type of question is what keeps me up at night. If you’re familiar with the narcissist literature, then you may know of the family roles involved—the scapegoat (that was me) and the golden child (my sister)… My sister doesn’t appear to fit into what I’ve learned should happen to a golden child in that they become like the narcissist.”-

This could be because your mother wasn’t strictly narcissistic but may have exhibited traits from multiple personality disorders. It’s rare for someone to fit neatly into just one diagnostic label—many individuals have a mix of several disorders or display features from multiple personality disorders. My mother, for example, exhibited traits of borderline, histrionic, and paranoid personality disorders, with narcissistic tendencies layered in. If your mother wasn’t strictly narcissistic, that could explain why the traditional scapegoat and golden child roles didn’t fully apply.

Personality disorders often overlap, making rigid classifications difficult to apply to real-life experiences. Research shows that comorbidity is common, meaning people with one personality disorder frequently exhibit traits from others.

“Sometimes I wonder if my family situation had the rare outcome of only producing one messed-up sibling while the other made it through okay-ish relative to me. I actually do wonder that. I think it’s one of the big, apparently deluded, thoughts I have about this that I can’t let rest.”-

One sibling internalized conflict, while the other buried thoughts and emotions, removing conflicting feelings from awareness. A sibling who does not actively engage with their pain can appear functional, but only as long as they keep their conflicted sibling outside their mind, heart, and life.

Your sister may seem okay-ish because she suppresses conflicting emotions rather than processing them. While this may allow her to function well outwardly, it doesn’t necessarily mean she is truly calm. Suppressed emotions often manifest in unexpected ways—physical symptoms, anxiety, relationship struggles—especially during moments of major life stress or transition.

True emotional stability comes from integration, not avoidance, so if she never confronts her buried emotions, they could catch up to her later. Some people go through life suppressing feelings without obvious consequences, while others experience delayed emotional fallout. Whether her calmness is genuine or fragile depends on how deeply she has buried her emotions and whether future situations force her to reflect.

And now, about my sister and me—she minimized my mother’s misbehaviors, making herself believe her home life was just as normal as anyone else’s. As a teenager and young adult, she appeared far better than just okay-ish—physically beautiful, gracious, social, and seemingly so normal. That made me feel like a freak. If she was normal, then what did that make me? It felt as if my conflicted, distressed universe was a parallel universe to hers, one where everything was almost fine and dandy. So, the problem must have been me… or so I thought.

Unfortunately, my sister experienced the delayed emotional fallout I mentioned earlier. It happened when she was older than your sister is now, judging by your photo and knowing your sister is six years younger.

I haven’t spoken to my sister in a long time. Every day, I think about calling her, but I’m afraid of what I will hear if I do. I fear she might collapse at any moment. I fear hearing her fall apart.

I remember one time, when she was in her mid-20s, she pointed to her forehead, making a gesture that I was crazy—crazy for making things up, for greatly overreacting. Fast forward to now, I am the farthest from crazy that I have ever been, and she… is the closest. It breaks my heart.

anita

Dear Dafne:

Your recent message is truly beautiful—filled with depth, curiosity, and heartfelt appreciation. I’m so grateful for our ongoing exchange. It means so much to me that you feel supported, and I want you to know that the admiration is mutual. You bring so much thoughtfulness and warmth to our conversations, and it’s inspiring to see you process these complex emotions and ideas with such openness.

I completely understand why you feel like invisible chains are holding you back. Emotional entanglements, especially those tied to family, can be deeply ingrained, making it difficult to move forward with concrete action. But the fact that you want to do more, that you recognize the patterns holding you in place, is already such a significant step. Awareness is the beginning of change, and I truly believe that as you continue exploring these insights, the path to freedom—both emotional and physical—will become clearer.

Regarding the saying “Do not praise the day before the sunset”—I see why you dislike it. It suggests that joy is fragile, that one must always be cautious and prepared for things to go wrong. While life is unpredictable, I prefer to believe that we deserve to embrace and celebrate happiness when it arrives, rather than holding back in fear of losing it. Instead of anticipating disappointment, embracing gratitude in the moment brings more peace. What do you think?

You asked if some people are destined to be humbled while others are not, or if empathy is shaped by the depth of our experiences. You also mentioned the idea that we might pay for past life mistakes. I believe we all pay for past mistakes—our own and those of others. For example, industrial pollution is a mistake made by people in power, yet we all suffer its consequences, even the most fortunate among us.

I also believe that experiencing hardship doesn’t necessarily lead to greater empathy—in fact, when pain isn’t properly processed, it can lead to emotional detachment rather than compassion. Some people who experience deep suffering close themselves off, while others, through reflection and healing, develop stronger emotional awareness. As for some people experiencing hardship more profoundly than others, I believe it’s true. A safe, healthy childhood builds resilience, allowing people to navigate challenges more lightly as adults.

You also wrote about the woman teaching natural therapies, who claimed she never asked for anything and yet received everything—love, family, success, good health. She said she has never been humbled by life, which I find curious. While some people are born into fortunate circumstances, that doesn’t mean they never face challenges. Even if someone has all the external markers of happiness, there are emotional, existential, and relational struggles that may not be visible to outsiders.

It’s possible that her life story is a marketing tool, whether intentionally exaggerated or simply framed in the most appealing way. People offering wellness services often present themselves as models of success, fulfillment, and harmony—qualities their clients are seeking. If she appears as someone who “has it all” effortlessly, it could attract people who hope to achieve the same through her teachings.

Some people reframe hardships, choosing to see challenges as opportunities for growth. For example, someone who is rejected from their dream job might think: “This just means there’s something better waiting for me. Maybe this wasn’t the right fit, and now I can focus on opportunities that align even more with my strengths.” By shifting their perspective, they move from feeling discouraged to feeling motivated, viewing the setback as part of a bigger journey rather than as a failure.

Others downplay hardships, minimizing their struggles to avoid vulnerability. For instance, someone experiencing stress or loneliness might respond to concern by saying, “I’m fine, it’s nothing. Just a little tired.” Instead of acknowledging their pain or seeking support, they suppress their emotions, making it harder to process them fully. While this might feel easier in the moment, unprocessed emotions can accumulate, eventually becoming more difficult to manage.

The key difference is that reframing allows a person to grow and find meaning in difficulty, while downplaying avoids confronting pain and may lead to emotional suppression.

What do you think, Dafne? Do you believe life truly spares some people from hardship entirely, or is it simply a matter of how people perceive and frame their experiences?

I’m so grateful to be exploring these thoughts with you, Dafne. Your mind is endlessly thoughtful, and your heart is full of kindness and curiosity. No matter what path you take, you are already on a journey toward freedom, clarity, and inner peace.

Sending you warmth, light, and a big hug! 🫂💛✨💖

anita

Dear Dafne:

I am looking forward to read and reply to your message in the morning (in about 20 hours from now).🩷

Dear Lucidity:

I was about to reply to your perfect
essage hours ago, but the website was out of service for a while. I am using my phone right now, and will reply further when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning (it’s Tues afternoon here).

Anitaby