Dear Brian:

How are you? Last you posted was a reply to me on May 8 this year, almost six months ago (on your Is Life Itself Divine? thread). There you shared that you haven’t given up on connecting with people, that you still have a couple friends that you meet with regularly, and (in regard to your concern about people being ingenuous), you wrote: “I try to remind myself to focus on the intent of what people say rather than specific words. Most people aren’t trying to be disingenuous and use certain phrases out of habit.“-

– an excellent point. For example, when a person asks in a friendly way, upon coming across another person, How are you? while not having thought about the person at all before the meeting, or when a person says to a stranger: it was great talking to you! (while it wasn’t good or bad), these are phrases/ wordings said out of habit, common social niceties that help maintain politeness and smooth interactions. Even though they are not genuine, the are positive because of the intent behind them, a positive intent. And because these phrases do work when it comes to maintaining smooth interactions between people.

Dear Panditdevsharma:

I need your positive thinking post today, the day after (U.S.) elections day, so thank you: “Keeping hope through challenges is about looking for solutions, finding joy in small moments… (it) fosters growth, resilience, and strong relationships… It’s a powerful choice.”

I like what you posted Oct 9: “ Love often shines through in our connections with others. Acts of kindness, compassion, and support among friends and family can be seen as expressions of God’s love.“,

Sept 11: “In order to do what you love with joy, it’s important to align your actions with your passions and values… Focus on the process rather than the outcome, and approach each task with a mindset of gratitude and curiosity. Set small, achievable goals that inspire progress and celebrate every step forward“,

Aug 28: “Spiritual awakening often involves significant personal growth and transformation, but it can also bring emotional and sometimes physical pain. This pain occurs because awakening challenges your old beliefs, patterns, and attachments. As you let go of these old ways, you might experience discomfort, confusion, or sadness, which can be overwhelming.”

Jan 22 (the following can apply to a political disagreement) : ” 1. Stay Calm:... 2. Educate: Share information… calmly and respectfully to dispel misconceptions. 3. Express Boundaries: … request respectful discussions. 4. Focus on Common Ground: Emphasize shared values and similarities rather than differences. 5. Lead by Example: Demonstrate the principles of compassion and understanding… 6. Seek Dialogue: Encourage open-minded conversations to foster mutual understanding. 7. Surround Yourself: Connect with like-minded individuals who respect diversity to create a supportive environment.”

I hope to read more and more from you, Panditdevsharma!

anita

Dear Kane:

You are very welcome, and thank you for being gracious and expressing your appreciation.

“Anita: By practical…  I don’t have much in my life besides small visits to family, for events and holidays, and school (which I love), please be more specific“- I meant just that, which you mentioned: you go to school (away from home, I figure), and you visit your family for events and holidays. I suppose that outside of interacting with your family and with teachers and other students, you don’t have a social life, no hanging out with friends, having parties…? Young people such as yourself need regular positive social connection with others, to not be alone for too long.

“I had to learn to get to my emotions in another format, I learned to take what little I feel in the emotional aspect and create a sort of replica logically?“- I think that everyone who is capable of thinking does this. It’s a matter of balance: to think and to be aware of what we feel and what valid messages are behind what we feel.

“Anita: Sorry for the complicated word use, and I’m also sorry you had a hard upbringing as well, hope it’s better now at least somewhat“- no need to apologize for the words you use, and thank you for your empathy, much appreciated. Yes, things are better now.

“both my siblings and my parents although at first, my parents argued, my dad being the aggressive and cursing one. I couldn’t handle the emotional pain so I looked into the why… I had undecidedly obsessed over it cause family was truly my everything”-

– you loved them so much that you needed them to be happy, but they were unhappy, arguing, your father cursing. Siblings arguing too. Like any kid, you needed a safe, calm happy home. And like so many of us, you didn’t get what you needed. I am sorry, Kane.

“I knew that I cared too much as that was another factor to why it hurt so bad, as I wanted nothing but to help others achieve happiness“- I read this part after I typed the above. Your love for your parents, for your family, is and has been.. Perfect (referring to the perfect in the title of your thread).

This is my experience too, perfectly loving my mother (my parents divorced early and I lived with my mother).

“I had to understand that I loved something that hurt me, and that even knowing that, they still continued to do what they did“- when love hurts.. when loving is a source of pain..

“I wanted to work to make me, and them, as happy as life could allow“- that was my lifetime dream for decades: to work (and.. to get rich) so to make my mother happy.

“Happiness? How could I have that without them when they are my everything?“- I did not allow myself to be happy until I made my mother happy first. I would have felt too guilty to be happy and leave her alone in misery.

“I had to learn to love them in spite of this, in spite of my anger, animosity and crazed“- I think you loved them from the beginning, from the beginning of your life. The anger came later.

“Fall, cry, adapt, till I knew enough to where the arguing didn’t hurt as much as they did, and my standard of living had become like them…unconscious… they-don’t-respect the idea that their actions have consequences on others, none of them, not my mom, not my siblings, no one..”-

– my mother didn’t respect the idea that her actions had consequences on me. She didn’t understand, or care to understand that I was human. Not a feelings-less thing.

“Like a spectator watching the string dance“- if I wrote a book about my life, I would title it Spectator (an unhappy spectator).

“Your right, I am ignoring this, because it has hit a wall, and no one is ‘adult’ in handling it, and I couldn’t validate my emotions and act on them cause they are too intense now, cause there’s so much, and any time I try, it feels like my body is flooding stress into my body as thoughts become crazed and rushed, trying to make me do something I’ll regret, and I had to learn to make this ‘system’ to handle it“-

– I don’t adequately understand this ‘system’, but as long as you need it to handle life, please keep this system going.

I understand what you mean by no one is ‘adult’.

“Mechanical Morality”, is the truths of the world we tend to miss, for example, the natural conflict between parents and kids…. where the parents are more against the bad they have to deal with, creating a natural friction like the natural conflict of good and bad“- the bad is not in the kids, it’s in the previous generation passed on to the next, and the next, each generation contaminated by the previous generations.

It is not your job to fix the previous generation (your parents). Your job is to fix the damage the previous generations caused you.  You are not alone, Kane. I hope that we can keep talking, if it makes you feel less alone and.. gradually, more and more understood.

“I’m getting too tired to explain more, I leave it at this.“- rest, Kane.

anita

Dear Zenith:

The Empty Feeling.. I remember how intense my empty feeling used to be, being as isolated and lonely as I was. Lots and lots of people suffer from that empty feeling. I hope it gets easier and better for you!

anita

Dear Zenith: yes, you said something like this before. Well, I wish you and her saw some wise person from the Indian-Muslim community in your area, a religious counselor of sorts, and have the two of you sit together with him/ her to clarify and fix things!

anita

Any news on the neighbor front..?

anita

Yes, Zenit, it is quite depressing when the weather is like this and I can’t go out- too windy, plus the rain. I am walking on the treadmill (on and off, 1/2 mile portions, adding to a planned 3 miles), walking always, or almost always helps with my mood.

anita

Dear Zenith: just came back from the dentist. Very rainy dark late morning here. How are you??

anita

Dear Martyna:

(I am adding the boldface feature to this quote): “He told me how he feels and it paralyzed me. I was suddenly scared of the romantic feelings, being open, expressing what I feel and becoming vulnerable so I told him… A year passed… We’re together for almost a year now… he brings me comfort, security and love, also being my best, best friend. Oh my god I love him. I did obsess over losing him though, over him getting hurt, failing at school, being depressed etc. I really drain myself with those thoughts… And then one evening when we we’re laying together, I had a thought ‘I don’t love him’ which caused me panic… He’s truly a dream. But I’m so anxious bc of the constant thought of doubt whether I love him… this paralyzing feeling wont go away. I’m so scared… Help..”-

-I boldface expressions of fear. It is natural, when a person gets too fearful, to emotionally detach oneself from one’s emotions. It’s a normal defense mechanism aimed at protecting oneself from potential hurt. It is also understandable to get scared when emotions shift randomly and suddenly (I am referring to the title of this thread).

Seems to me that before meeting your boyfriend, while you were growing up, loving someone (a parent perhaps, a family member..?), being vulnerable to that person,  became a hurtful, painful experience for you, and you are afraid to re-experience this hurt and pain in a romantic context.

Maybe someone you loved returned your love with rejection.. anger, betrayal of some sort? Maybe someone you loved (falsely) accused you of hurting them? If so, it will take addressing that earlier situation and resolving the emotions involved, as much as is possible for you.

Please don’t blame yourself for how you feel. It is not your fault that you feel what you feel, or that you don’t feel what you don’t feel. What you feel is not a matter of choice. And there is a valid message behind what you feel (example of such a message: I don’t want him to hurt me, or I don’t want to hurt him). I hope that you feel calmer very soon, and I hope to read more from you (I will be away from the computer for quite a few hours and will be back later).

anita