Dear Kane:

Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and introspective post. Your metaphorical use of stars to describe emotions is both poetic and insightful, capturing the transient and varied nature of our emotional experiences.

Striving for a harmonious balance between logic and emotion is indeed a challenging but essential part of personal growth. The concept of maintaining a “perfect flux” is a beautiful way to describe the dynamic interplay between these two aspects of our being.

Achieving true emotional mastery involves respecting and integrating our emotions rather than suppressing or being overwhelmed by them. It’s about creating a balanced relationship where emotions enhance our understanding of ourselves and our lives.

The journey to emotional mastery and self-discovery requires patience, humility, and the willingness to face challenges. It’s a path that involves continuous learning and growth. The path you describe is one of continuous learning and evolving, and it sounds like you are well-equipped with the insight and determination needed to navigate it.

* One idea I’d like to offer is that our emotions can be seen as friends rather than enemies. Emotions, when embraced and understood, can be our allies, guiding us and enriching our lives.

Instead of perceiving emotions as something to be suppressed or excessively controlled, we can learn to experience them as valuable companions. They provide us with important signals about our needs, desires, and experiences. By acknowledging and befriending our emotions, we can navigate our lives with greater empathy and self-awareness.

Embracing emotions doesn’t mean letting them control us but rather finding a balance where we can listen to them, learn from them, and let them help us grow. Just like friends, emotions can support us, warn us, and even challenge us to become better and better people. I hope this helps.

I encourage you, Kane, to continue exploring and reflecting on your emotions and experiences. Embrace the journey with patience and humility, and remember that each step forward, no matter how small, is progress.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you continue on your path.

anita

Dear Calm Moon:

Good to read from you again! We had a meaningful conversation back in Oct 2024, and reading what you shared today, I have a better understanding of your emotional reactions to your manager back then, a woman who like your mother, talked excessively and complained a lot.

“My mother was in an abusive relationship with my father, both physically and mentally… I grew up as a rescuer of my mother/family most of the time. I worked even before going to school. I have never complained, never told or shared when someone hurt me. Even when one of the family friends tried to abuse me physically, I never told. I stamped it in my mind and never replayed it in my mind… My character is that of a leader everywhere”-

– Parentification occurs when a child finds herself (or himself) in a role typically meant for an adult, taking on responsibilities and duties that are beyond the child’s developmental capacity. This can involve providing emotional support, caregiving, or managing household tasks for parents or siblings. Essentially, the child acts as a caregiver or emotional support for the family at the expense of the child’s own needs and development.

In general, the consequences of Parentification on a parentified child (a “Family rescuer”, as you called it) are: (1) high levels of stress and anxiety, emotional burnout and exhaustion, (2) an overwhelming sense of responsibility for one’s family’s well-being, leading to persistent guilt if the child believes he/ she is failing at their “job”, (3) the child’s own developmental needs and personal growth is neglected, leading to issues with identity formation and independence (stunted personal growth), (4) the child might struggle with social skills, as the child often misses out on typical childhood experiences and peer interactions, (5) the child has difficulty setting healthy boundaries, often becoming over-involved in the lives of others and neglecting one’s own needs, (6) the need to please others and take care of them can persist into adulthood, making it to set healthy boundaries with others assert one’s own needs and desires, (7) the child suppresses his/ her own emotions and needs, prioritizing the needs of family members instead.

The above is general information. Back to your original post, Calm Moon, there is plenty of evidence of parentification in your case: from a young age, you were in the role of supporting your family, even working before going to school. This is a clear sign of parentification, where a child assumes responsibilities typically meant for adults.

You described yourself as the rescuer of your mother and family. Providing emotional support to your mother, who was in an abusive relationship, placed you in a caregiving role rather than allowing you to experience a typical childhood.

You never complained or shared your own hurts, even when experiencing physical abuse from a family friend. This suppression of your own needs and emotions (silent suffering) is a hallmark of parentification, where the child’s well-being is secondary to the family’s needs.

You developed leadership skills early on by taking charge of family matters and supporting your mother and siblings, practicing problem-solving skills, addressing issues and taking initiative. Your role as a caretaker translated into a natural inclination to take on leadership roles where you feel responsible for the well-being of others in professional and in other settings

“The thing which makes me uncomfortable is that I take all the issues of my family members as if they are mine. I feel responsible for the wellness of everyone, even the children of my older siblings. One of the reasons, I think, stems from the fact that my mother always complains to me. She is not taking an active role in her life”-

– this indicates a deep sense of duty and responsibility that extends beyond typical family support. This sense of responsibility is overwhelming and burdensome, as it places a lot of pressure on you to ensure the well-being of multiple people.

Take on the issues of your family members as if they are your own, means that you internalize their problems, over-identifying with them. This means that their stress and burdens feel like your own, which is emotionally draining, leading to feelings of exhaustion, burnout, and even depression.

Your mother constantly complaining to you about various issues has placed you in a position where you feel compelled to listen, support, and try to resolve these complaints. Your mother not taking an active role in her own life means that she might be relying heavily on you for emotional and possibly practical support. This passive behavior from her further entrenches you in the caregiver role, as you feel the need to step in and take charge of situations your mother is not handling.

“I am in my thirties, and I want to build my own life. I have never been in serious relationships. Although I had good men around me, most of the time they never got a chance. I was too busy with family matters and my career to help my family”-

– your statement that you were “too busy with family matters” indicates that you prioritized your family’s needs and issues over your own personal life and relationships. This is a direct extension of the parentified role in childhood, where your primary focus was supporting and caring for your family. Your parentified role left little time or emotional energy for developing your own romantic relationships and personal happiness.

“My family is supportive. I have good relationships with everyone. But I do not like when they want to put many responsibilities on my shoulders”-

– true support would involve your family recognizing your needs and helping you lighten the load. Instead, their expectations contribute to your feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. By saying that they are supportive, you mean that they thank you for helping them, praising you, saying that they wish good things for you, anything like that?

“I do not know how to break this cycle. Thank you.”- you are welcome. It will take quitting the Family-rescuer role, and resurrecting, so to speak, the child-you, the child who went into hiding (suppressed, neglected, disregarded, put aside, marginalized), and making her your #1 priority, giving her the opportunity to take her rightful position in the center of her life. Bringing her back from the margins to the center. That’s what I did and still am in the process of doing (it’s amazing.. finally!). I’ll be glad to share with you more about it.

anita

Dear Zenith:

What a difference a supportive boss could have made in your professional life! The company you work for would have benefited if management was to notice, acknowledge and encourage the strengths of employees.

I hope you find work for a company that will value appreciate and support you!

Anita

Dear Zenith:

I’m really sorry that you’re having difficult 2 days, and feeling so frustrated with your job situation. It’s clear that you put in a lot of effort and dedication, and it’s disappointing when that isn’t recognized or rewarded in the way you hoped.

It’s completely understandable to feel hurt and anxious when you feel undervalued and underappreciated. You’ve been proactive in seeking more challenging work and you demonstrated your capability by quickly learning new skills and helping your teammate. It’s disappointing that your efforts haven’t been met with the opportunities you deserve.

You have shown a strong commitment to your professional growth by asking for more technical work, learning SQL, and even receiving appreciation for your contributions. The fact that you haven’t messed up any deliverables and always finished your work on time speaks volumes about your reliability and competence.

It sounds like your boss’s hesitation and the decision not to give you the opportunity to apply for the open position is more about his own fears and underestimations rather than a reflection of your abilities. His comments about not wanting to set you up for failure and his perceptions of your confidence and social skills seem to be holding you back unfairly.

Given the circumstances, it’s understandable that you’re considering moving on to another company. Your desire for work that is fulfilling and aligns with your goals is valid. You deserve to be in an environment where your skills are recognized and where you have the opportunity to grow.

I hope you feel better real soon, Zenith!

anita

Dear Jana:

“It’s a pity that I am not a good writer/speaker. I have a lot of pleasant emotions, feelings which I would love to share but I can never find the right words”- You may not realize it, Jana, but you just found the right words. Your message beautifully expresses your heartfelt emotions and your desire to share them. That, to me, is the essence of good writing.

It’s not about being perfect; it’s about expressing your true self. You’ve done that here, and I believe you have a natural gift for it. Keep sharing your feelings, and the right words will continue to come.

“Of course, I am okay with that. Why do you think that I wouldn’t be?”- because I was wondering if you felt that I was making your thread more about me than about you. Many of my replies to you were long or very long. Do you prefer shorter replies in your thread?

“It is not so black and white. I think that suffering, traumas, pain can give us good things, too… even though it takes time to understand that.”- the positive outcomes from suffering, trauma, and pain emerge, when they do, after these experiences are processed, understood, and healed from. Gaining insight into what and who caused the trauma, insight into the effect of the trauma on one’s behavior, mental- emotional health is necessary for healing, as well as allowing oneself to feel and process emotions associated with trauma and pain (giving emotions the space they need). Suppressing or ignoring these feelings hinder recovery.

Healing is often an ongoing journey, as you know. It’s a continuous process of growth, learning, and self-discovery, and it is a pleasure 😊for me, Jana, to witness your growth, learning and self- discovery as you express yourself in your various threads and replies to other members❤️

anita

One more thing:don’t give up, ZEnith: You are strong, capable and resilient. You overcame a lot, and came a long way. Your confidence has been growing. Your boss needs more time to see what I see what you are capable of.

Anita

Dear Gage:

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation and for sharing your story so openly. Again, it’s clear that you’ve been incredibly supportive and patient with your girlfriend, and your dedication to her well-being is commendable. However, it’s also important to prioritize your own mental health and well-being.

Your feelings of being torn between supporting her and maintaining your mental health are entirely valid. It’s common to feel a sense of responsibility for a partner’s well-being, but it’s also important to remember that you are not solely responsible for her progress. Besides you, there are other people in her life who also contribute to her support system. You don’t have to carry the entire burden alone, and she ultimately needs to take responsibility for her actions and decisions. It’s not sustainable for one person to bear the full weight of another’s progress.

When she told you: “it’s like being blacked out drunk and hearing from somebody else what you said but don’t remember saying it, or even feeling that way,” she was comparing her experience during episodes of paranoid delusions- and abusing you- to the sensation of being blacked out drunk. When someone is blacked out drunk, they engage in behaviors and conversations but do not remember them afterward. They might hear later from others about things they said or did but have no memory of those actions. This analogy highlights her lack of control and awareness during these episodes.

Given the challenging situation you’re in, pausing the relationship might be a practical and thoughtful approach. This time can allow you to prioritize your mental health and take a step back from the constant stress and anxiety you’ve been experiencing. It also provides her with the opportunity to focus fully on her therapy and work on gaining better control and understanding of her delusions and behaviors.

Pausing the relationship sets clear boundaries and expectations, emphasizing that you need to see significant improvement in her behavior (to no longer be “blacked out drunk”, to start with) for the relationship to resume.

It also offers a chance for both of you to reflect on your needs and what you want from the relationship.

This approach can help reduce the intensity of conflicts and provide a healthy distance, allowing both of you to approach issues more objectively. It’s not about giving up on her but recognizing that your well-being is essential.

What do you think, Gage?

anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you, and you are making a very good point- the middle way is finding a balance where I acknowledge and validate my emotions (giving them space) without letting them take over my life (giving them too much space). Mindfulness helps maintain this balance.

I didn’t think of the idea of giving emotions too much space before you brought it up, Jana, not in these words, so I want to elaborate: an example of giving FEAR too much space: a person who is afraid of public speaking avoids all social events and turns down job opportunities or promotions because of their fear. This avoidance limits their personal and professional growth, isolates them socially, and reinforces their fear, making it even harder to face in the future.

An example of giving SADNESS too much space: a person who experiences a breakup withdraw from friends and family, stops engaging in activities they once enjoyed, spends most of their time ruminating on their sadness, and neglects self-care and responsibilities.

An example of giving ANGER too much space: a person lashing out at others, dwelling on negative thoughts, and making impulsive decisions based solely on your anger.

Here is a poem on giving emotions space, not too little, not too much:

In the gardens of our hearts,
Emotions bloom and wither, night and day
Each one cherished, each one told.
Each one deserves a gentle touch.

Fear and joy, they come and go,
Like petals in a fleeting show.
Acknowledge them, but don’t hold tight,
Let them dance in morning light.

With mindfulness, we tend the soil,
Where love and peace begin to coil.
No overwhelm, nor neglect,
Just balance that we can reflect.

In this space where calm resides,
Balance in our hearts abides.
A perfect tune of ebb and flow,
In this garden, we will grow.

Coming to think of it, Jana, looking at the title you chose for this thread, “Will I ever be free of this fear of people?”- giving this fear too much space would mean constantly avoiding social situations, avoiding public places, isolating oneself from others entirely => leading to fear becoming more entrenched and harder to overcome.

Giving this fear too little space would mean ignoring or suppressing the fear by forcing oneself into social situations without addressing the underlying anxiety, pretending the fear doesn’t exist and therefore, not seeking any help or support=> leading to increased anxiety and stress, the fear remaining unresolved, and the person feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope.

Giving this fear just the right amount of space would mean acknowledging the fear, understanding its origins and gradually exposing oneself to social situations in a controlled and supportive manner, such as attending smaller gatherings before larger ones, and seeking therapy or counseling => leading the person to gradually experience reduced anxiety, improve social interactions and to living a more balanced and fulfilling social life.

I hope it’s okay with you, Jana, that I elaborated on the topic the way I did above: is it okay with you, perhaps helpful?

anita