Dear t:

“He’s pretty emotionally disconnected and tells me he often doesn’t know what he’s feeling until after the emotion has passed… I think maybe he’s found this relationship unexpectedly demanding“- the relationship demand more of him, emotionally, than he can deliver, being that he is emotionally disconnected.

“I am very sensitive and anxious to begin with, so I haven’t handled it well either. I’m bothered by how much has been lurking and have been feeling very emotional and pessimistic lately.“- tell me more about you feeling very emotional and pessimistic lately.. is it how you felt growing up with your mother?

I find that having lived through a difficult/ traumatic childhood, people- as adults- keep re-living the same childhood emotional experience in adult circumstances. Do you find this to be true?

anita

Dear Greg: I will read and reply when I am back home (it will be hours from now).

anita

Dear Zenith:

“my thoughts haven’t stopped. Do you think this is OCD?“- yes.

“OCD always told me that I am never good enough“- OCD is not a friend. Living with OCD is.. living with an enemy.

“Now its saying that my friend has hurt me and she is not good enough“- OCD is separating you from yourself (telling you that you are not good enough), and it is separating you from others (telling you that others are not good enough).

This is what OCD did to me, both of what I mentioned right above. I can’t believe I no longer have this enemy living with me (in that space in-between my ears). So, now, in my estimation: I am good-enough and you, Zenith, are also good-enough!

“Like all the obsessive thoughts won’t stop… Now my brain is worried that B will get close to C and her group just like A did. They all will get close and I will be left with no friends… Now it feels life without friends is empty… I am scared pf being alone.“- as a human being, you need friends. When you have a friend, or friends, you get scared of losing them and ending up alone. Your brain focuses on the fear of losing a friend and OCD runs with that fear.

“Before my daughter was born I used to enjoy my time alone at home and with my husband. I used to have zero friends and that never bothered me“- not never-bothered. For a while, it didn’t bother you.

“I don’t want friends anymore“- it feels like too much trouble to have friends, too much anxiety, so I understand that the quick solution that comes to mind is to not have friends anymore!

“It feels my brain is seeking validation from other others. My self worth is defined by others“- it’s natural for a human being (a social animal, one who lives with and is interdependent on others) to seek others’ validation, and for one’s self worth to be affected by others’ behaviors toward us. Thing is to not seek validation excessively and to not overreact to others’ behaviors.

“Based on my experience, some Indian friends are emotionally draining“- more draining because of  excess in seeking their validation and overreacting to their words and behaviors..?

“If I have to make new friends, I have to invite their families home and cook food for them. I feel like making friends is physically and emotionally draining and I don’t have time for the it“- I understand. Possible solutions: make a friend or two who are not Indian? Also: if you could meet a friend for coffee in a coffee place, or for a walk outside, you could have time with a friend without having to cook for them.

“On top of that. I expect a lot from people, I guess. I expect them to make me their top priority friend.“- it’s almost like you are trying to undo what OCD is telling you (that you are a low priority to your friends) by taking it to the other extreme: expecting to be top priority!

OCD is an enemy in the ways it affects you, although its intention is good: it is trying to protect you, to help you solve problems.. but it’s misguided, it’s not logical, not sensible, it’s impulsive, it jumps to conclusions. So, it ends up harming you again and again.

Right above, is what OCD did to me.

“Earlier, I was ok with people not making me their top priority,(that)  and I accepted the fact people change over time. This time it’s getting hard to accept. I am just filled with anger.“- for a while you were okay with people not making you their top priority.

I guess that whenever you feel that you are others’ low priority, you get (naturally) angry, and sort-of demand (at least in your own mind) that they make you their top priority, trying to over-compensate your hurt feelings.

In a way it’s like it’s a hot summer and you’ve been wanting cold ice-cream for a very long time, but not getting to have it. You imagine, in your mind, that when you finally get to have ice-cream, you will have a huge amount.. to compensate for no amount for too long. Do you relate to tis example?

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome! “How ironic it is that I seemed to have found some of her patterns, that she didn’t even realize, AFTER we break up“- it doesn’t surprise me that you are getting to know her better after the breakup because you were not exposed to her behaviors after breaking up with you.. before she actually did.

“I am very used to putting the blame on myself when things go  wrong, I guess that’s where I doubted if I was wrong… it seems asking her to move out ASAP is the best, for the both of us actually. It is important to hold her responsible for what she has chosen”– absolutely! You did nothing wrong when you asked her to move out ASAP. It was the right thing to do.

“The therapy went very well… I was able to find a moment which I was hugged by my mother when there was one time I was very upset, probably at 8 or 9 years old. I sat on that image, and my therapist said that was the moment when I was securely attached… I have tears in my eyes just recalling this, and I do feel a sense of warmth coming up from my chest now“- a moment of secure attachment 3 decades ago brings tears to your eyes today.. this is how precious secure attachment (the feeling of safety) is. One can rest in such a memory.

“Last week… I hugged this stuffed animal and I felt I was hugging my inner child, in my imaginary exercise, I hugged my little child“- hug the 8 or 9 years-old Clara, prolong that memorable hug.

“My therapist also said, I am used to caring for others, at times like this, I should also be taken care by others, like a carefree dinner with my friends“- I very much like your therapist’s input.

“I realized the lifegoal of my ex and myself are different also. She is still exploring and experimenting life, while I am very ready, and may be wanting to have a home/ even family of my own“- she is exploring and experimenting, but repeating a pattern that keeps her the same. You are ready for something different, for a change in yourself and in your experience of life in the context of a romantic relationship: this is exciting!

“I felt more secure, and my heart is definitely clearer after today’s session.“- good thing. Whenever you need to, re-read this sentence, this whole post you just submitted. And please post again anytime you fee like it.

anita

Dear Clara:

You are always welcome. “do you mean due to her compartmentalization, objectively she should be having a less ‘tough’ time, but then she already is feeling it ‘very tough’ since she  mostly compartmentalize, and that what is happening is already ‘ too much’ for her?“- no, I didn’t mean that. I meant that due to her compartmentalization she is having way less of a (subjective) tough time than you do. I think that in regard to her, you compartmentalize very little, or rarely, and that’s why you have been having much more of a tough time than she has. I think that this is true for the entirety of the break and after.

That a person compartmentalizes as a defense mechanism against stress (tough time), that’s true. I imagine that before she habitually compartmentalized, she experienced intense stress/ tough time (like you experience it). But that was before she met you.  Throughout the break and since the break, seems to me, her defense mechanism worked very well for her: if she had even close to as much of a tough time as you have had, she would have reached out to you (early) during the break and initiate a talk about the possibility of getting back together, she wouldn’t have the state of mind to enjoy time with her friends, and she wouldn’t be late to pick up her things because of spending a night out with her friends.

In regard to my input (“Clara mental box is of a lower priority (at least since the break, if not before) than her friends mental box and her business mental box“,  you responded: “I think this is true also. I think before the break up  it was true as well.. She treated me more like a duty than act out of love indeed“-

– like a duty, a bit robotically, operating by logic, not by emotions.. Her (stronger) emotions repressed (subconsciously/ unintentionally pushed down), or suppressed (consciously, intentionally pushed down) is what I figure.

“I think throughout the relationship, she compartmentalize things. there were times when she was upset or not happy about things/ me/ others. She would put it away and just do whatever the situations require… She called this ‘let the feelings just go’… This happened to her work also, she did what the situations required, and until a point where she felt burn out and needed to leave the company. She left this current company and took a few months break two years ago, because she ‘burned out’. ‘burned out’ is the word she used, to describe our relationship too. She was too tired to try anymore“-

– she lets the feelings just go under (suppresses them), does what the situation requires, like a duty (above), robotically, but she is still human (not a robot), so her repressed/ suppressed emotions eventually rise up to her awareness and overwhelm her enough to quit (a job, a partner). She then rests and resume effective compartmentalization.

“She said I didn’t need to do too much in the relationship, as in no need to be so deliberate and buy gifts/ celebrate too elaborate on occasion..“- I don’t think that she lost feelings for you because you didn’t buy her gifts and go celebrating.

“Or may be, she just unconsciously want this to slip away?“- she felt burned out in the relationship => she quit.

“She decided on a breakup, but she seemed to be devastated by the fact that she needed to move out.. as if she did not know breaking up =… she needed to move out from the house“- she was too burned out to think ahead (about moving out). Like you shared above, after she quit her job, she took a break (didn’t look for another job). Similarly, she quit you and took a break, in your house (not looking for another place to live).

“I used to be the one who shared her emotions and gave her a lot insights on herself and on the situations (she said she valued how I help her analyze the work dynamic and emotions/ feelings which is one of my strength indeed)“- your insight couldn’t have changed her lifetime habit (by now) of suppressing emotions=> emotions erupt=> burnout=> she quits and rests (not planning ahead).

“After yesterday, I did ask my friends and I did think if I managed anything wrongly… she just goes with the flow, and now obviously she is someone who does not prioritize me as well“- (1) I don’t think that you were wrong, in any way, shape, or form, to ask her to move out ASAP of your own house, after she broke up with you, (2) seems to me that going with the flow, for her, means something like this: suppressing emotions=> emotions erupt=> burnout=> quitting and resting=> repeat.

“My second therapy session tonight, I will see if my therapist has any insight and see if she can help me deal with my frustration better“- how did it go?

anita

Dear John:

“I know this is a very old thread but I’ve become somewhat desperate for insight into my own situation“- did you notice that the last post submitted in this thread (before yours) was submitted on July 28, 2024, only 8 days ago, and that page 6-11 are all posts from this year?

You may get insight reading further than the original post of Aug 26, 2015..?

anita

Dear t:

You are welcome!  “He told me he would tell me if he ever truly didn’t want sex. These types of distinctions seem very important to him… ‘It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go to your plans, it was that I was tired and didn’t feel like doing the planned activity. I would tell you if I actually didn’t want to do something.’) I am trying to understand his perspective but really struggling“- reads to me like his emotions are repressed or suppressed (pushed down), and he has trouble understanding what it is that he is feeling, that he is aware when he definitely doesn’t want to do something, but he is unsure if and when he does want to do something.

“He explained that he didn’t understand why I wanted him to be honest instead of giving an excuse“-  I am guessing that dissociated, he doesn’t know what he is feeling much of the time. Therefore,  emotional honesty is not possible for him much of the time.