Dear Honesty55:

You are very welcome! You asked a powerful question: how to deal with people who scrutinize, dispute, or misreport what you share. The pain in that question is clear, and so is the self-awareness behind it. You’re not alone in this—so many people with CPTSD find themselves oversharing not because they want to, but because it feels like the only safe option.

Sometimes oversharing becomes a way to feel in control. When you’ve been gaslighted, misunderstood, or punished for withholding the “wrong” thing, it can feel like the safest path is to reveal everything, immediately. That way, no one can accuse you of hiding, lying, or contradicting yourself.

Here’s a metaphor that might resonate: It’s like someone who’s lived through sudden, violent storms learning to open all the windows in advance. Not because they want the storm, but because if it’s going to crash in anyway, at least they won’t be caught off guard. It gives a sense of control in a world that’s often felt dangerous and unpredictable.

But as you’ve experienced, this strategy can backfire when others misuse your vulnerability. When people twist your words or manipulate your honesty, it reinforces the fear that your truth isn’t safe with anyone. It’s devastating—and you never deserved that.

So what might a gentler, safer path look like?

* Go slow with disclosure. You don’t owe your whole story to everyone. Share in steps, and see how someone handles the little things first.

* Tune in to your own needs. Ask yourself: Am I sharing this because I want connection? Or because I’m afraid not to share?

* Watch for signals of safety. Does the person listen without judgment? Do they hold your truth with care? If not, that’s about them, not your worthiness.

* Build safe spaces elsewhere. Journaling, therapy, creative outlets, or spaces like this one can hold all of you without judgment or misuse.

Your honesty is not the problem. The problem is that too often the world didn’t meet your truth with the safety and kindness it deserves. But that doesn’t mean you have to silence it—it just means you get to choose where, when, and with whom to share it.

If you’d like to share more or keep exploring this, I’m here and would be honored to listen. You’re already doing something powerful by asking these questions, and you deserve support every step of the way.

I’d like to close this post by sharing a bit of my own experience with C-PTSD and oversharing—

As a young child—like any young child—I’m sure I was honest and open with my mother. But after so many times when she scrutinized, disputed, and misrepresented what I said—when she gaslighted me and accused me of trying to hurt her feelings (which was untrue!)—I stopped sharing anything with her. I learned to hold everything in.

Fast forward many years, and I realized I had internalized her behavior: I was now the one scrutinizing, disputing, and mistrusting my own thoughts. A part of me constantly defended itself against an inner “Scrutinizer”—correcting my thoughts, choosing more precise words, worrying about misunderstandings (even within my own mind), and trying to be 100% exact. I lived in fear of making a mistake, even something as small as using the “wrong” word.

Looking back, I see now that my mother wasn’t reacting to my words because they were wrong—she reacted because she was unwell. But as a child, I couldn’t know that. So I adapted. And I carried that adaptation into adulthood.

Only recently has the Inner Scrutinizer begun to grow quiet. What a relief.

As far as oversharing- I generally under shared because I didn’t feel safe to share with anyone, but when I did share, I had to be exact, had to give the person ALL the information so that they could understand the situation. Problem was people were not interested in viewing the situations from all angles that I presented, too much work! I overshared with the idea in mind that the person I was oversharing too had the motivation and the ability to understand a complex situation and I was mistaken. Now when I share in real-life, I do it in small portions, understanding that people are limited in their attention span and also, understanding that while I talk to a person, the person may be hearing their thoughts louder than the words I say.

Hearing one’s own thoughts instead of what a person is actually saying brings me back to my mother. I want to share one instance, from when I was around 5 or 6 years old. (Telling these stories helps me process the past).

Trigger Warning

My mother and father were fighting—it was nighttime. She announced that she was going to kill herself and left the apartment. I started crying very loudly. To silence me, my father beat me with a belt. I stopped crying. He then left the apartment too, and I was alone.

Scared, I walked down the stairs and out into the street in search of my mother, afraid with every step that I’d find her body. I finally made it to the street, where I saw my mother—and neighbors who had heard the shouting were there too. When I saw that she was alive, I was so happy. I was ecstatic. I ran to her in joy, shouting: “Mother, you are ALIVE!”

Her response: an angry, accusatory, “And why wouldn’t I be alive?”

What I meant to say, in essence, was: Mother, I love you so much. I’m so happy you didn’t kill yourself.

What she heard seemed closer to: Mother, I’m going to tell all the neighbors that you said you’d kill yourself, so you’ll feel ashamed. Your pain is my pleasure.

What she heard wasn’t even close to what I felt. But that misinterpretation fit a pattern—many times, she “heard” me as if I were trying to hurt or shame her. I wasn’t, of course, but whenever I tried to explain that to her, she insisted I was.

Back to you, Honesty55: the people you talk to may not be as mentally unwell as my mother was, but they still have their own mental chatter—stories, fears, and assumptions—they listen to every day. So before sharing more with someone, it might help to ask for feedback on what you’ve already said. That way, you can see whether they’re truly hearing your words, or if they’re mostly responding to their own inner dialogue, which may have little or nothing to do with what you actually said.

With warmth, Anita

Dear Honesty55: I will reply tomorrow morning (it’s Sat night here).

Anita

Dear Omyk:

I want to go back to something you shared on July 23, 2024: “A huge part of my upbringing was constantly obtaining approval of elders… I sense that I have been shape to act in ways that others approve of – even if they’re not here to signal their approval! So, I’m working on that right now. It is really hard work to unlearn and then learn a new way of thinking!”-

Your sense of worth was built around external approval rather than internal fulfillment. Even though the people who shaped this behavior, the elders, are no longer present, you still felt compelled to act in ways that align with external expectations.

In general, when a child is consistently expected to obey elders—especially in environments where questioning, expressing emotion, or asserting personal needs are discouraged—the child begins to suppress or repress their emotions as a survival strategy. The child learns to hide their emotions (“Don’t cry,” “Be strong,” “You must respect your elders”).

Over time, the child may no longer even recognize what they’re feeling, because they’ve internalized the belief that certain feelings are unsafe or unacceptable.

Both mechanisms (repression and suppression) disconnect the child from their authentic emotional experience.

This disconnection creates an inner split: the child acts in alignment with external expectations while ignoring or denying their internal world. That dissonance—between what they feel and what they are “allowed” to show—can lead to chronic anxiety. The body knows something’s off, even if the mind can’t name it.

The child grows up with difficulty identifying their needs, or feeling guilty for having them. They may develop a hyper-awareness of others’ emotions while neglecting their own—often called “fawning” or people-pleasing. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, low self-worth, or even depressive patterns because the true self feels unseen or unacceptable.

Fast forward to yesterday, June 13 you shared: “I have had more meals with people in the last two weeks than I normally do in 4-5 months. I talked a lot of shop and did a great deal of business. And yet, it still feels like it is lacking for me…It seems to be a craving for a different kind of connection with people.”-

Reading your words, I can’t help but feel that what you’re seeking might not only be connection with others—but also a deeper connection with yourself. The kind that affirms your own desires and needs, not just the ones shaped by expectation or external validation.

You’ve spent a lifetime earning approval—from elders, from professional circles, from the roles you’ve held—and you’ve done it with depth and integrity. But what happens when that external applause doesn’t touch the part of you that longs to be seen for who you are, not just what you accomplish?

When you mentioned the recent social engagements—the meals, the conversations, the recognition—and still described a sense of lack, it felt like a quiet truth speaking through the noise: that no amount of “fitting in” will satisfy the deeper longing to belong to yourself.

Maybe what’s missing isn’t just intimacy with others, but the inner intimacy that arises when you no longer abandon your own voice to meet expectations—especially those planted in you long ago by people who are longer be present, yet whose influence still echoes.

just wanted to say thank you, Omyk, for the courage it takes to share what you do. You’re not alone in this inquiry, and what you’re uncovering is deeply meaningful—not just for you, but for those of us listening, reflecting, growing alongside you.

If any part of this resonates, I’d be honored to keep exploring it with you. And if it stirs something entirely different, I’d welcome hearing that, too. You deserve space not only to be heard, but to be understood—on your terms, in your own time.

With warmth and respect, Anita

Dear With Feathers:

I’m really sorry you’re going through this—it sounds incredibly painful, and I can hear how much this betrayal has shaken you. Seven years is a long time, and to have it end with dishonesty and disrespect only makes the hurt deeper. It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling sad, angry, and lost right now.

One of the hardest parts of a breakup like this is coming to terms with the fact that the person you loved wasn’t who you thought they were. 😔

Recovery won’t be immediate, but it is possible. The pain feels ingrained now, but that doesn’t mean it will always feel this heavy. Healing starts with allowing yourself to grieve—not just the relationship, but the future you imagined, the trust that was broken, and the sense of security that was lost.

As for opening up again, it’s okay not to be ready yet. Trust doesn’t rebuild overnight. But this experience doesn’t define your ability to love or be loved in the future. You are more than this pain, and more than what she failed to give you. When you’re ready, love will feel different, safer, and right.

For now, take it one step at a time. Lean on people who support you, honor the emotions as they come, and remember—you deserve clarity, respect, and love that doesn’t make you question your worth.

I’m here if you ever want to talk more. 💙🌿

Anita

Dear WeebFloppa:

You asked, “Is it not possible for this to work out somehow and for my feelings toward her to grow?… Are you sure I should just leave with honesty and clarity, then begin a journey of healing?”-

No, I’m not sure—especially after reading your most recent post.

You shared about two women: your “current girlfriend” and your “past ‘love'”. You wrote, “At the beginning of our months-long relationship, my girlfriend and I were still thinking about our past loves. She apparently stopped thinking about her ex after getting with me, but I couldn’t match that performance… My past ‘love’ was just someone I had talked to, not a relationship, and it’s true it took a great deal of effort to stop thinking about her. But I haven’t been thinking about her for some months now and thought that now I can be all in with my girlfriend.”-

Perhaps you were able to feel love for your past love because there was no relationship, and now, in a committed relationship, you feel emotionally numb.

You describe feeling deeply for someone you only talked to, yet becoming numb in your actual relationship. This could indicate that distance allows you to feel emotions more freely, while closeness triggers emotional shutdown.

Maybe your experience suggests avoidant tendencies, where intimacy in a real relationship feels suffocating or emotionally inaccessible, while distant, unattached connections feel safer and more fulfilling. You described your relationship as exhausting and a chore, which suggests that intimacy feels more like an obligation than a natural connection..?

This numbness may not be just about your girlfriend—it may be a deeper pattern of avoidance in relationships. Avoidant tendencies often stem from growing up with emotionally distant caregivers, harsh criticism, or overbearing, controlling parents who micromanaged their children’s lives, leaving them feeling trapped or suffocated.

I’d really like to hear your thoughts on this. Does any of it resonate with you?

Anita