Thank you, Zenith,take care yourself!

Anita

Dear Zenith:

I am tired and very cold. I am sitting in a heated office, been here for hours and yet my feet and hands feel frozen almost. Did you celebrate the New Year? (I am never out that late on any night).

anita

Dear Stacy:

Before thoroughly reading your update, I read through our past communication. Interestingly exactly 1 year ago, on Jan 2, 2024, you submitted a post addressed to me (here on this thread). You quoted me and responded to my quoted words:

” ‘When people in your family who have mistreated you accuse you of being too sensitive and overblowing situations, that’s further mistreatment on their part, mistreatment on top of mistreatment..’ — I’m not trying to be difficult here.. (but) I actually DO overblow situations and react very sensitively to things… If I’m the problem, I don’t feel I have the right to say I’m being mistreated or ‘deserve’ a better partner… It’s like I feel that I don’t have the right to say I was mistreated because I sabotaged and overblew the situation… Again, I’m trying SO hard for this to click with me because I feel this is THE biggest mental block that is keeping me from moving forward”-

A year later, I say that it’s clear. in your words above, that you have internalized the criticism from your family, leading you to doubt the validity of your feelings and reactions. Because you view (or viewed back then) yourself as overblowing situations, you felt undeserving of better treatment or a better partner. Your statement that this is “THE biggest mental block” keeping you from moving forward highlights how this self-doubt and internalized criticism have been major obstacles in your emotional growth and healing. You recognized, a year ago, the need to address this issue.

Despite acknowledging your sensitivity, you felt a strong need for validation that your experiences and feelings were legitimate. This conflict between self-blame and the desire for acknowledgment of mistreatment has caused you significant distress.

In essence, you were caught in a cycle of self-blame and self-doubt, making it difficult for you to acknowledge the mistreatment you were subjected to, and move forward. You recognized this as a major mental block but was struggling to reconcile your sensitivity with your right to be treated well and to heal.

As I was reading through the pages, I cam across what you wrote here, addressed to me: “I can see how much I’m beating myself up about this all… it’s what I do in every area of my life. Hence why I don’t trust myself. I see that it’s not serving me; it’s not productive. I can’t hate myself into loving myself“-
– you were becoming aware of your pattern of self-criticism and its negative impact on your mental health. You understood that this behavior is unproductive and that self-love cannot be achieved through self-hate. This awareness is an important step towards changing your mindset and fostering a more compassionate relationship with yourself.

Reading through, I noticed the Enmeshment topic. You acknowledged your struggle with family enmeshment.
Living with your mother made it difficult to separate your own issues from hers, part of your ongoing struggle to maintain healthy boundaries within a close-knit but troubled family.

Elsewhere you wrote: “I just want to feel like a woman, a capable woman“, and about your mother, you wrote: “I also see that she is physically and financially incapable of a lot of things she wants to do and it suffocates me… It makes me feel hopeless for her and for me“- You needed her to become capable so that you (the part of you that’s enmeshed with her of her) can become capable..?

“My therapist said years ago that I do indeed struggle with family enmeshment and I try to work through this but living here I think hinders me from separating at all… I don’t feel like I get to have my own adult life or sense of identity outside of her… I’ve never moved out of the house or had my own separate life outside of her…I don’t want to abandon her… I know I have to live my own life, but the guilt I’d feel from that would be horrific“- powerful words, powerful emotions, Stacy!

And now to your todays update: thank you for sharing your update and I’m truly sorry to hear about the ongoing challenges you’ve been facing. I admire your strength and resilience through it all.

Regarding your health, it’s incredibly frustrating not to have clear answers. I hope you find some peace and relief soon. It’s important to continue seeking medical advice whenever you feel it’s necessary.

As for the breakup, it’s understandable that you’re still grappling with the pain and confusion. Unresolved feelings and the lack of closure can make moving on incredibly difficult. It’s clear that this relationship was significant to you, and your feelings are valid.

It might be helpful to consider unfollowing him on social media as a step towards healing. Keeping that connection seems to be hindering your ability to fully process and move forward. It’s okay to prioritize your mental well-being, even if it feels difficult.

If you feel that expressing your emotions directly to him would bring you some closure, then it might be worth writing a letter or message. However, please do so with the understanding that you might not get the response you hope for. Sometimes, healing comes from acknowledging your feelings and releasing them, rather than seeking validation from others.

I’ve been thinking about everything you’ve shared, and I want you to know how important it is to find validity in your own feelings and to trust them. Your emotions are real and meaningful, and they deserve to be acknowledged and respected.

While I understand your worry about overreacting as an adult, it’s crucial to recognize that the circumstances of your childhood were incredibly challenging. In those situations, you probably underreacted, repressing and suppressing your valid feelings as a coping mechanism. It’s not uncommon to numb oneself to survive difficult experiences.

Now, as you navigate your life, it’s essential to re-associate with those feelings you had (and still have) as a child. Those emotions are a vital part of your story, and reconnecting with them can be a powerful step towards healing and self-acceptance.

Your feelings are valid, and your journey towards understanding and embracing them is just as important as any other aspect of your growth. You deserve to trust yourself and your emotions fully.

My (ongoing) healing process, or journey, wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t go back to my childhood, figuratively, so to pick up the emotions I left there unattended. No wonder I lived a miserable, dysfunctional adult life, being that this very vital part of me (those intense, impactful emotions of childhood) was abandoned and left behind.

Again, good to read from you again, Stacy. Wishing you a new year of healing!

anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you for sharing the insightful passage. Of the six principles for a happy relationship from the video you mentioned, # 3 is something that never crossed my mind as “a principle for a happy relationship”: “Treat your partner with mental kindness (kind thoughts lead to kind words and actions)”-

– true: kind thoughts lead to kind expressions, verbal and non-verbal. I realized lately that negative thoughts get expressed on my face automatically, without my choosing- before I am aware of these expressions. And when I become aware of them, I can’t go back in time and reverse these expressions. I can pause before I speak, but there is no pause between the negative thoughts (and feelings that are attached to them) and their instant- however subtle- expressions on my face.

Angry, suspicious, accusatory non-verbal communication (facial expressions, other physical gestures and reactions, tone of voice) are generally harmful or unpleasant to the people on the receiving end. The only way to prevent these non-verbal, potentially harmful, automatic physical expressions is to purposefully choose kind thoughts to replace or balance the negative thoughts.

“It is not clear if “the life to come” means next life or just future in this life”- it could mean both (not one or the other): as the next life in a karmic sense or the future within this life.

Wishing you peace and happiness-

anita

Kinga, how are you in this very beginning of 2025, soon enough to be right, I hope.

anita

Dear Jana:

It is inspiring to read about your ever-expanding self-awareneas, as well as your understanding of other people.

I wish you a year of further and farther-reaching expressions of the suppressed Jana of previous years.

I wish myself the same

Anita

Post # 2: What you shared in this thread about your mother and your relationship with her (in parentheses are my clarifications):

“My mom was the only one trying to accommodate (my father), change him, give him too many chances. She denied the reality and sometimes didn’t want to hear my opinion and feelings…She still pushes me to send him the birthday wishes, Easter, Christmas etc. I feel it’s not right…. I’m still taking care of my elderly (including my mother) and feel guilty leaving them. Talking to my mother seems pointless at this stage. It always ends up in some kind of argument and pointing all my past mistakes…My mom has a dog and told me that if I will leave her, she will give him away to strangers or even worst. She knows I love that dog, and it feels like a manipulation with my feelings… She also drinks and her mood is horrible after that. She got bitter with age and that’s her way of dealing with problems and the regrets. Every time she talks about the past, my mistakes with other man, shouts, compares me to my father etc. If I try to protect myself and tell her that she should not drink and that I felt disappointed by both of them and abandoned, she says that I have my father’s character …She always gives examples of daughters whose parents were alcoholics and abusers and those women were strong, not like me, and found husbands & got married… Every time her hurtful remarks make me sad and I need a few days to recover from that… It is mostly those little statements that my family (including my mother) always used on me: don’t talk, stay quiet, what people will think, hide in your room or he (my uncle or my dad) will get more angry when he sees you smiling (I could not smile in the presence of my uncle), don’t touch this, your opinion doesn’t matter etc… My mom’s dog is a COVID baby as she got him around that time. She rescued him and had to pay a lot of money as the place did not want to keep him due to his appearance… Nobody wanted him but my mother showed her loving heart and took him… To be fair to my mother, yes, she did meet (my ex-fiancé) and his kids in person… So, my mother stayed for 2 weeks in (my ex-fiancé’s) house to cook, clean as the kids were small and he could not do much (he did not want to pay for babysitter or any help). My mother did it for free… My mother refused after hearing his conditions and refusal of getting married civilly. She thinks that religious marriage is not enough nowadays and giving up my rights as a wife is an insult to her and to me…The problem is that if (my mother) gets angry or realises that I want to move out, she starts blackmailing me… She starts guilty trips or memory flashbacks. I think she is able to give him away when the need arises to make her point, and she might harm herself too. I just don’t trust her judgment when she drinks… about my mother standing up for me and herself, no.… At home, it got worse. I finally gathered strength to book a trip away from it all but then I had to cancel it. My mother promised to stay with the dog. It all looked well but then her moodiness came back and said no. She said that she has other more important commitments. It is not the first time that I sacrificed my plans for her but this time she was really mean. She provokes fights all the time. One moment she protects my father, the other moment she talks bad things about him. Then keeps reminding me about all my mistakes with men and life. Last night I had a really bad breakdown. I couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t talk. I had pain in my whole body. I started to cry and just ran out of my home. I felt like finishing it all. I couldn’t stand this pressure anymore. She run after me to stop me and pretended to faint. I returned and suddenly she was ok. But I wasn’t. She went to sleep but I couldn’t. Something happened that night and I feel a wreck. I don’t feel like me anymore both physically and emotionally.”