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May 22, 2025 at 6:19 am in reply to: OCD & relationships & uncertainty intolerance & neediness #446208
anitaParticipantHow are you, iloverain?
anita
May 22, 2025 at 6:03 am in reply to: I’m married and feeling guilty over an interaction with another man #446207anitaParticipantHow are you, Heather?
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Michelle?
anita
May 21, 2025 at 10:10 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #446205anitaParticipantIt’s not necessarily that the enraged-within person is intentionally putting on a mask so to deceive. The person may be trying her best to find refuge in a presentation of calm, in a philosophy of peace.
But the Rage Within doesn’t buy it.
I know the rage-within very well, seeing it in my mother, over and over and over and over again.
And within me, a burning fire.
It will set anything and everything on fire until it is recognized.
So, here, I am doing the recognizing.
No words for the recognizing, only Fire Burning.
Burning Fire has no language, no words.
BURNING
BURNING
R.A.G.E
My mother’s RAGE- nothing I (and how could I) could have controlled. It was too strong, insistent, stubborn, POWERFUL.
Do not underestimate the rage of the meekest, weakest person- there is unbelievable power in the RAGE of the WEAK.
Rage in the meekest is RAGE.
I remember my mother fondly now. I miss her as always.
Her Rage- oh, that was when all hell broke loss.
Always the victim’s fault. My fault. She’d tell you she was my victim, that I was the villain, a five year-old villain.
She’d tell you, at 84 years-old, a very old woman. My mother.
She’d tell you that her 64-year-old daughter is still as always the Villain.
Oopsie, did I reveal my age?
But who is reading.. It’s amazing how alone I am here. ANYONE reading? Maybe one, maybe two.
Still, I am grateful for having this opportunity, this outlet to Express.
I just wish someone was reading.
anita
May 21, 2025 at 9:23 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #446204anitaParticipant*** I like you, Peter, just the way you are! I think you are the bee’s knees 🐝✨No one like you!
* As far as the future goes, my mindset is to live one day at a time, and I embody this philosophy. I really don’t plan for the future. I don’t imagine a future. It’s just this day, this evening, this night.. Oh, surprise! Another morning, Yeah!
I carry trauma within my body every day, every hour of each day and night when I am not sleeping, in the form of tics- the flight-or-fight response trapped within my body, muscles running with nowhere to go. Muscles twitching, movement trapped. It feels like physical tension and there’s pain when I twitch a certain muscle too often. I can’t help it. I can’t stop it.
I tried to stop it. It is Impossible. it’s been going on since I was 5 or so, every single hour that I am awake. It feels really good to not twitch, the moments I don’t. It makes me think how fortunate the many who do not twitch really are, but they (you) don’t know it. If you knew the difference, you’d be ecstatic that you don’t have these tics going on and on and on.
Not to mention having made fun of for twitching as a child, a preteen, a teen, a grown up.
The current people in my life don’t make fun of me. All are genuinely nice about it. Thank you!!!
I had a long, meaningful talk with a woman I like very much this evening, in real-life. She’s about my age and has been anxious since she was a child. But no tics, none whatsoever. Yet her anxiety is ongoing. She rarely looks calm.
I talked a bit with a younger man and with an older man, 76 years old. Have known him for years. He is the one into whose yard I ran when I accidently sprayed my face with pepper spray months ago, using his water hose to water my burning eyes.
This is Community, and it is so very important to me. It means Everything.
The people in my life, in real-life, are good to me. I am fortunate.
Oh, I was going to talk about this topic: Suppressed Anger.
My mother suppressed her anger, putting on a facade of calm and peace and generosity until she couldn’t take it anymore. She would then EXPLODE. Her anger exploded and all hell broke loose. Similarly, there has been a person in my life, online, who had a suppressed anger problem as well, presenting a facade of calm and peace and generosity.. until she couldn’t take it anymore, and then, she exploded in her own way. I tried to accommodate her, to please her.. all in vain.
With some people there’ll always be an explosion, sooner than later. No Win with some people. The Only Solution is Distance (OSD, if you will).
The facade- my mother’s, others’- call it what it is: a mask, masking temporarily the Suppressed Rage Within.
anita
May 21, 2025 at 11:06 am in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #446202anitaParticipantI came across something I wrote on another thread, back on Oct 9-10, 2023 (minor editing follows): I got caught up in so much anger at my mother that I .. forgot that I ever loved her. I remembered only recently… When in contact with her all those years, I was in a war-mode state of mind in which anger was a needed emotion, serving to survive the war. Love was dangerous because it is a motivator for the prey (me) to get closer to the predator (my mother). And so, love was pushed down, buried under my awareness while anger filled my awareness.
After years of no-contact, after being sure (I promised myself this) that I will never be in contact with her again, no matter what, the anger dissipated just enough for some of the early-life, buried (immense) love for her to partly seep back to my awareness.
For years, I thought that I was the center of her world. I believed that because she told me so (that everything she does, she does for me, etc.) But in her mind, there was no sight of me other than a thing to feed, clothe, treat when sick, etc.
I remember very little of my childhood. If a film was to be created by connecting the visuals that I do remember, the film would last a few minutes. I suppose this is an indication that I dealt with the situation by being dissociated. My awareness was minimized. I remember feeling very scared during one night (at 5 or 6 years old, I think), and I remember often feeling very depressed and wishing to die.
For the longest time I thought that this entity in front of me (my mother) was good and I was bad. Bad for making her angry. Bad for causing her pain. Bad for not rescuing her from pain. Bad for feeling angry at her. I was caught in an ongoing state of Conflict: feeling very sorry for her and wanting- more than anything in the world- to make her happy. AND, on the other hand, hating her.
She TOLD me that I existed as the center of her world, that everything she did, she had me in mind. So, I believed her, yet her behavior was nothing like what she said. When people were around, she treated them well and she treated me like I didn’t exist. And when I was alone with me, when she was NOT angry with me, she’d talk at me, just a constant barrage of words and no matter how much I wanted her to stop talking, she wouldn’t stop. No place to hide.
My experience with her was like a 3-dimensional person trapped in 2 dimensions, can’t breathe, in desperate need of that 3rd dimension. I have been in no contact with her for a decade and never will be, so I can breathe.”-
Emotionally entrapped, suffocated.. This explains my tic of audibly, quickly taking in air, as if there is so little of it.
What she told me was not true. I was not the center of her life, far from it. It was the other way around: she was the center of my life.
My love for her was- is not about who she is, or has been for me. It’s about who I am.
I can see the importance of uncovering this love, expressing it here. It is about expressing the core of who I am: a deeply loving person. I want to nurture this part and be more loving to other people. And to myself.
anita
May 21, 2025 at 9:59 am in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #446201anitaParticipantDear Peter:
“What does a hurt feeling feel like? The space between emotion to feeling to a measurement, label, judgment… it’s the breath-thin space where mindfulness lives…”-
Without words like hurt, how can we possibly communicate here? All we have to connect us are words on a screen. But I do understand—words can limit, reshape, or even distort emotions.
What does hurt feel like to you, Peter?
I tried to experience the feeling of hurt just now. My mouth turned downward, my lower lip extended forward—like a child’s hurt face. And the feeling itself? It was like an emotional wound. It simply hurt.
“A criticism of Krishnamurti who was himself accused of being too clever with his words and paradoxically path to love was though negation, Emptiness, Kenosis, silence the undoing of words – what I think of as non measurement.”-
To move beyond intellectual constructs and allow reality to be felt rather than analyzed. I suppose, in this context, it’d mean that I will type something like this: “I feel tired right now, the left side of my body is hurting because of the way I am sitting. I just changed the way I am sitting and it hurts less. I am a bit hungry. My left shoulder just twitched. I can hear my pulsative tinnitus”,
Instead of something like “I feel tired right now. It must be because I didn’t sleep well last night, or not long-enough because I was at the computer doing my stream of consciousness after midnight. I wonder if I should stop drinking wine… I wonder if I should get another brain scan to check if some blood vessel in my brain is blocked after all, causing the pulsative tinnitus. Or maybe not, if I die- I die. I can’t believe I just said that.. am I depressed?”
“In the space between emotion and feeling were feelings hurt?”- I believe cognition is always intertwined with emotional pain—hurt, shame, guilt, fear, that it’s a matter of extent—how much cognition exists between raw emotion and the experience of feeling.
“No one that knows me would think me clever though as I have expressed before I have been accused me a lacking feeling, that my communication style and personality type is lacking, a way to avoid feeling… I don’t disagree, sadly its a core part of who I am. A trigger where I fill the space with a suspicion I’m not suited for relationship, something I fear my history confirms.”-
What if you rewrote the above using the words a 5- or 7-year-old might use? It could be a powerful exercise in connecting—both inward, with yourself, and outward, with others—in a deeper, more raw way, through straightforward self-expression.
I’m imagining myself as 7-year-old Peter right now, rephrasing it like this:
🧒 People say I don’t feel things. They say I don’t talk like other people, like I don’t show my feelings right. Maybe they’re right. I don’t know.
🧒 Sometimes I think I’m not good at being with people. Like something’s wrong with me, like I can’t get close to them the way I should. I look at my life, and it feels like proof. And that makes me sad.
“Funny when I saw this topic the first thing I wrote was a warning to myself, that any discussion into insignificance would only stir up existential angst and likely not end well.”-
But even with that warning, you still chose to engage. That tells me you care about these questions, about exploring meaning, even if it’s tough.
🧒 I thought about this stuff before, and it made my tummy feel weird, like something wasn’t right. I told myself not to think too hard about it, or it would feel bad again. But I still did. I don’t know why. Maybe I can’t help it. Maybe I need to know, even if it makes me scared.
There’s something tender in that version, something simpler—but still holding the same truth. What do you think, Peter?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Eva:
It’s great to read from you again! To truly appreciate your update, I revisited your first thread on tiny buddha. Your initial post was on February 4, 2023, and the last—interestingly—exactly eleven months later, on January 4, 2024.
As I read through your posts, along with some of my own, I was deeply moved by the kindness, empathy, and trustworthiness you showed me. You felt like a therapist to me as I shared my thoughts about my mother. In fact, I just copied what I shared with you and will add it later to one of my current threads where I discussed her again—only yesterday.
On February 6, 2023, you wrote to me: “You are a wonderful person who truly cares about others, reads their messages thoughtfully, and always responds with consideration, objectivity, and a genuine desire to help. You are patient and take everyone’s struggles seriously. I’ve always wondered how you do it!”
Then, on February 27, you said: “I am very happy that people like you exist.”
Those words make me smile this morning, more than 2 years later—not because I believed them at the time, but because I feel like I’m growing into that person more and more. Your encouragement helped me become the person you saw in me, and I truly appreciate it.
On Oct 12, 2023, I wrote to you: “Thank you, Eva, you have a beautiful heart!”- and indeed, you do ❤️
As to what you shared in that thread: you went through a lot—losing both your partner and mother, dealing with grief, and managing responsibilities all while trying to understand why certain friendships fell apart. Some people showered you with affection, promised loyalty, and made you feel valued, only to suddenly disappear without explanation.
You suspected that you attracted narcissistic personalities—friends who relied on you for emotional support but failed to reciprocate. They dominated conversations, made everything about themselves, and vanished when they no longer needed you. Silent treatments and sudden cut-offs left you hurt and confused, but you were starting to recognize these patterns.
You realized that setting boundaries is important, and despite the pain, you chose to move forward with greater awareness. While these lessons were difficult, you still believed in true, lasting friendships. You were meeting new people and prioritizing relationships built on trust and mutual respect.
A year and 9 months later, on Nov 29, 2024, you started this thread. Here, from Nov 29 to Dec 28, 2024, you shared about the heavy emotional and practical burden you were carrying over the past few years, facing multiple losses, including your partner, mother, uncle, and close friends. While you dedicated yourself to helping and supporting your family, especially your uncle in his final days, you came to realize that you needed to prioritize yourself moving forward.
Your uncle’s situation was complicated—he refused to acknowledge his illness, making it difficult to prepare for the inevitable. Since his estranged son was legally responsible, there was uncertainty about whether his wishes will be honored. You did everything you could to make sure he was comfortable, but you were recognizing that it was time to step back and let him handle the rest.
After years of focusing on others, you decided it was time to focus on rebuilding your own life. You were looking to find a community, a sense of stability, and a fresh start. Although Christmas was lonely, you were determined to shift your perspective and make the most of the coming year. Despite the hardships, you felt more aligned and confident that things will improve.
Fast forward to yesterday, almost 5 months later: you’ve been navigating constant change and adapting to unexpected situations with remarkable flexibility. Though exhausting at times, you continue to learn and grow, even when it feels like you’re moving through life differently than those with more settled routines.
Your uncle’s passing was peaceful, and despite the difficulties, you made sure he was cared for in the best way possible. His denial of his illness helped him cope, and now you can begin to fully process everything that has happened.
Your trip to India was sensational, bringing you joy and inspiration. And while you initially accepted a promising job offer, you realized that financial security isn’t everything—you need work that feels meaningful and contributes to a community. It’s clear that you are committed to shaping a life that truly aligns with your values.
Though the last few years have been filled with challenges, you are embracing them with resilience. You feel happy and free to explore new opportunities, trusting that the right path will unfold for you.
Thank you for sharing all of this, Eva—your ability to adapt and embrace change is truly inspiring! You’ve been through so much, yet you continue to approach life with optimism and a sense of purpose. I admire the way you follow your intuition, stepping away from things that don’t align with your values and keeping your heart open to new possibilities.
I am glad that your trip to India gave you so much joy and clarity. And your decision about the job—choosing meaning over money—shows just how deeply thoughtful and intentional you are about shaping your life.
Despite all the challenges, you seem to be finding your way with strength and confidence. Whatever comes next for you, I have no doubt that you’ll continue moving forward with courage and curiosity. Wishing you fulfillment, adventure, and all the good things you deserve! 😊 Take care, and I’d love to hear more whenever you feel like sharing.
anita
May 21, 2025 at 12:07 am in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #445966anitaParticipantIt’s never been clearer in my mind, this LOVE for my mother, A love so intense, minimized and abused and turned against me by the object of my love. It’s mind-boggling. For one’s love to be twisted and twisted?
I loved her so. She looked at me and saw nothing other than something to hate.
Something for me to understand.. how?
anita
May 20, 2025 at 11:42 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #445964anitaParticipant“It helps me to Cry, to Express the decades-long repressed and suppressed.”-
– my love for my Ima (my mother), the love she never acknowledged, the love she didn’t notice.
And so, she didn’t notice Me.
The strongest force within me- my LOVE for her- she didn’t detect it. It bypassed her as if it was something of no significance, of no meaning.
Yet, it was Everything.
In the heart of little anita is Love for her Ima, and nothing else is more important.
It’s this Love in the Core of me, unseen.
Love for my mother, that’s what it was always about, what I was always about: an intense, enduring, forever-love for my mother, an unreciprocated love.
I love you, Ima. Why can’t you.. why can’t you.. why can’t you..?
This is my open wound. This Love. Love for my mother, love that she.. never heard, never noticed, never acknowledged, it’s in the core of me.
I will always love you, Ima. And you’d never know.
anita
anitaParticipantYou are welcome, me! We communicated for so long. Keep telling me how it is for you, tell me. I want to know. I don’t want you Alone in this.. I don’t want you to fall apart too much. I want you strong.
anita
anitaParticipantDear me:
Thank you for sharing this with me. I can only imagine how emotionally exhausting and deeply painful this must be for you—watching your dad in so much distress while trying to balance your own emotions and decisions in a way that honors him.
The love and care you have shown him shine through in every word—others see it, and I hope you do too. You’ve done so much for him, and despite the weight of this moment, that love matters. Even if decisions feel unfair or confusing, even if they catch you by surprise, your presence in his life has been invaluable.
This is a lot to carry, and I want to remind you that your feelings—whatever they may be—are valid. Grief doesn’t only come after someone passes; it’s here now, in the process, in the uncertainty, in the exhaustion of giving everything you can. I hope you also have space to care for yourself in this, even when it feels impossible.
Only this evening, I talked to a woman whose 80+ year old dad took a walk outside his home, at night, fell and died of hypothermia. This is something I am sure she would have done everything to prevent, and yet.. it happened.
I’m here if you need to talk, if you want to share more, or even if you just need a quiet place to be heard. Sending you warmth in this difficult time. 💙
anita
May 20, 2025 at 9:33 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #445960anitaParticipantDear Peter:
“I recall the days the excitement, the fire, the bliss of being possessed by love. There’s something intoxicating about those early moments— the unfiltered passion, the consuming energy, the way love feels like it’s overtaken every inch of you, a kind of surrender, a beautiful chaos that colors everything in a different light (even if only the idea of love)…. until… the clock ticks… and we measure…” –
P O W E R F U L
“Each day, each moment I hear, from myself, from everyone, all 8 billion voices… the cry, see me, know me, love me… the suffering that connects all… what are we to do? Bigger then big, smaller then small, what are we to do?”-
It helps me to Cry, to Express the decades-long repressed and suppressed. Nothing for you to do, Peter, nothing at all. If you bother to reply and say: “I hear you!”, that’s more than enough, thank you.
This evening, I sent a friend a message, saying I heard someone mention him affectionately and saying I missed him, and another, I called, asking how he is feeling, being that he has this inflammation in his lungs, asking him not to talk much so to not irritate the inflammation, and recommended that he keeps taking Ibuprofen. And then, not very focused, I am posting this to you.
anita
May 20, 2025 at 6:27 pm in reply to: Don’t know whether to reconcile with ex or seek new relationships. #445958anitaParticipantDear Jack:
Your childhood story, invalidated emotions, silent treatments, even gaslighted, unfortunately it’s a common story, mine as well. Yet, it’s a heart breaking story for each and every child it happens to, and I am sorry 😞 that it’s your story too.
So many of us adults, of all ages, are hurt little boys and girls because we were not seen or validated.
Healing is about no longer repressing or suppressing our emotions,no longer rejecting them like others did, and instead, embracing them, giving them their due space within to breathe.
I am guessing you’ve been working on this in therapy?
Anita
May 20, 2025 at 5:47 pm in reply to: If you feel as insignificant as I felt, for so long, please speak here. #445957anitaParticipantOh, oh, did I hurt your feelings, Peter? I had no such intent or awareness that I might have
Did I?I meant that, in my estimation, you are clever, delightfully clever, but like with everyone, love ❤️ makes more of a difference in the experience of life than all the intelligence in the world. Of course, you know that 🙄 already.
Anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.