Dear Dafne:

You are very welcome, and thank you for being the beautiful soul that you are. I am looking forward to read attentively all that you shared in the post you submitted 15 minutes ago and reply Friday morning (it is Thurs almost noon here). I hope that you have a peaceful night.

anita 🌙 ❤️

Dear Dafne:

You are very welcome and please don’t worry about being late to reply. I am sorry that your anxiety got really bad recently, and I appreciate your empathy and kindness. You are remarkable in this way. Lots of people are not empathetic or kind when they are anxious and suffering.

You are a caring, thoughtful person who values honesty, stability, and mutual respect in relationships, and it shows in your communication right here on this thread.

Understandably, you find it difficult to trust when you sense inconsistencies or dishonesty from the men you’ve met.

On May 4, 2023, you wrote: “One of my biggest challenges is to make my own decisions. I am always afraid that I will hurt a person or that I’ve said or done the wrong thing. That’s why I always ask for someone’s advice. I am afraid of rejection”, and you asked: “how do I break that pattern and why there is so much fear behind any romantic decision… ?”-

– As I see it today, you are understandably suspicious of the men you shared about in this thread, including the current one, but once they act offended by your suspicions, or once they show any sign of rejection of you, your fear (of rejection) takes over and you no longer doubt the men. You doubt yourself instead.

It’s something like this: You understandably doubt a man=> You ask him questions, you ask other people for advice, trying to figure out his trustworthiness or lack of=> The man acts offended by your questions and/ you detect rejection from him => You doubt yourself as well as the advice you received.

Today, you shared that after you and your mother asked him questions at the restaurant, “He got really, really upset and finished our meeting at the restaurant. He got really moody and upset with both of us. He said he doesn’t want to tell us more as he is tired now and that we have no confidence in this project… he made it clear that it was our mistake. I blamed myself and my mother letting her ask too many questions”-

– Once there was an upset reaction from him (a threat of rejection), there was a shift from doubting him (blaming him) to => doubting yourself (blaming yourself). It became no longer a matter of distrust in him, but a matter of distrust in yourself.

“She (your mother) said I am sorry to him so many times but he still ended our meeting. He told me that it is best if we take a break until his project works or see each other less often”- at this point of threatened rejection, he had the Power (as the one threatening rejection) and your mother submitted to his power, asking for his forgiveness.

“I felt like I need to repair it, make him feel good again and make him want to continue”- this is the part of you that very much fears rejection, even from a man you are not attracted to and whom you distrust.

“But the other side of me is telling me now that he was not honest with me or his reaction was not respectful towards both of us”- yes, I believe that he is not honest with you. Thing is that the emotional part of you that is so scared of rejection seems to be stronger than the logical, rational part.

“Do you think Anita that my mother was right? She felt that he is hiding something and getting upset will provide him with escape”- she was right about distrusting the man. But she herself is untrustworthy: she questions him but then apologizes for questioning him- not because she found out that he is trustworthy after all, but because he threatened rejection, or abandonment (leaving the restaurant).

Also, she is untrustworthy in relation to you: “My mother promised to stay with the dog. It all looked well but then her moodiness came back and said no. She said that she has other more important commitments. It is not the first time that I sacrificed my plans for her but this time she was really mean. She provokes fights all the time. One moment she protects my father, the other moment she talks bad things about him” (Dec 29, 2024)-

– The man we’re discussing is untrustworthy and he breaks promises, but same is true in regard to your mother: (1) like him, she breaks promises, having promised you to stay with the dog while you go on a vacation, and then breaking her promise, (2) she provokes fights: you can’t trust a person who provokes fights, (3) one moment, she defends your (undefendable) father, another moment she talks negatively about him.

You shared this about your father: “Once he promised to buy a doll house but he never did. He promised to visit me on time but was always late. When I wanted to speak up and say my opinion, he said that he felt like slapping me as I should never interrupt him” (July 14, 2024)’- He too was/ is untrustworthy, breaking his promises to you, and more.

When parents repeatedly break promises or act unpredictably, it creates a foundational lack of trust, making it difficult for an individual to trust others, including romantic partners. Being criticized, called names, or having one’s feelings invalidated by parents leads to low self-esteem, resulting in excessively seeking validation and approval from others. If a parent reacts negatively to a child’s needs or opinions, the child grows up fearing rejection.

Experiencing inconsistent behavior from parents, such as moodiness or contradictory actions, cause emotional instability and confusion. To avoid conflict or rejection, individuals may develop people-pleasing behaviors, prioritizing others’ needs over their own, leading to imbalanced relationships.

So, Dafne, although I agree that this man is untrustworthy in regard to his work (or lack of work) situation and breaking promises, I figure it’d be difficult for you to trust even a trustworthy man. Am I correct?

Growing up with untrustworthy parents certainly poses challenges in forming trusting romantic relationships as an adult. However, with awareness, communication, and support, it’s possible to overcome these challenges and build meaningful and trusting relationships. Seeking competent professional help and focusing on self-care are crucial steps in this journey.

“How can he handle the life ups & downs in the future? Would you still give him a chance?”- – His reaction to your questions and his general lack of transparency about his project indicate that he’s not adequately equipped to manage life’s ups and downs.

“What would you do in my place?”- -If I were in your place, in your situation, I would prioritize my well-being and mental health by considering competent psychotherapy or counseling, as well as- when you are ready to make such decision- consider living apart and away from your mother, having minimal, structured contact with her (e.g., meeting her in a restaurant for lunch instead of visiting her in her home), as well as continuing to have no contact with your father.

“My mother told me that she felt something is not right and that probably he doesn’t want to work”-
– It’s natural to seek advice from those close to us, but it’s also crucial to consider the reliability and trustworthiness of the sources. When facing significant decisions, especially those involving relationships and emotional well-being, it’s wise to seek advice from individuals who have consistently demonstrated reliability, honesty, and a genuine interest in your best interests.

Additionally, it’s important to listen to your own instincts and feelings. You have the ability to make thoughtful decisions for yourself, even if it takes time and reflection. Learning to rust yourself and recognize your own wisdom is an empowering step forward. Having read your posts over time, I can see that you are intelligent and capable. it’s just that you need to learn to trust your intelligence: your rational and emotional intelligence.

Ultimately, you deserve support and guidance from those who truly have your best interests at heart. Take your time to evaluate the advice you receive and learn to trust your inner voice.

Back to the man: his reluctance to find stable work and the recurring promises without follow-through indicate deeper issues, issues that you cannot fix. Ultimately, you deserve a partner who is reliable, trustworthy, and able to support you through life’s challenges. Take your time to reflect and make decisions that prioritize your mental health.

anita

Dear Peter:

You are welcome, and I am looking forward to reading and processing your most recent pos Thurs morning.

anita

Dear Peter:

You wrote yesterday: “I think, as you noted, the notion of understanding excites me and doing so keeps its at arms length. There is a part of me that wants to ‘believe’ what I believe but another that is afraid. Its clear I use ‘seeking’ to protect me finding”-

– You use the act of seeking as a protective mechanism: by continuously searching for understanding, you avoid the more unsettling reality of actually finding and accepting deeper truths. This perpetual state of seeking allows you to maintain a sense of safety and control, while keeping the transformative impact of true understanding at bay.

This internal conflict highlights the delicate balance between the desire for growth and the fear of the changes it might bring.

Change is intimidating when it forces us out of our comfort zones and challenges our established ways of thinking and living. Seeking and finding deeper truths can lead to uncharted territories, where old beliefs are dismantled and new, unfamiliar perspectives are adopted. It requires letting go of the familiar and embracing the unknown.

Finding and accepting truths often involves confronting aspects of ourselves that we prefer to avoid. This could include acknowledging past mistakes, confronting deep-seated fears, or recognizing personal limitations and flaws. Such self-confrontation is emotionally unsettling.

You might be afraid of the responsibility that comes with acting on these truths: making difficult decisions and taking actions that align with these new understandings. You might be afraid of not being able to live up to the expectations set by these new truths, or failing to make the necessary changes effectively.

Our beliefs and understandings are a core part of our identity. Discovering and accepting new truths can feel like a threat to this identity, leading to a fear of losing a sense of self.

In essence, your fear stems from the potential upheaval that comes with truly finding and accepting deeper truths. The process of seeking feels safer and more controlled, allowing you to keep these unsettling realities at arm’s length. By staying in a state of seeking, you can avoid fully confronting these fears and the changes they might necessitate.

James Clear in Atomic Habits:

“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become”- instead of desiring change and creating conflict, focus on small actions that align with your desired identity. This shifts the focus from wanting change to actively embodying it in the present.

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems”- reduce the conflict by creating systems (habits and routines) that support your desired changes. This way, change becomes a part of your routine rather than a constant source of tension.

“Goals are good for setting a direction, but systems are best for making progress”- progress comes from consistent actions and systems, not from a constant desire for change. This alleviates the inner conflict by focusing on the process.

“Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement”- embrace small, consistent habits that lead to growth over time, rather than being in conflict with the desire for immediate change.

“All big things come from small beginnings. The seed of every habit is a single, tiny decision”- start with small decisions that align with your desired state, reducing the internal struggle by focusing on manageable steps.

“When you fall in love with the process rather than the product, you don’t have to wait to give yourself permission to be happy”- find joy in the journey itself, which helps to end the conflict between where you are and where you want to be.

“You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current results”- focus on your direction and long-term growth, rather than being caught up in immediate outcomes and creating conflict within yourself.

By letting go of the dependency on outcomes and embracing the process, you can end the duality of form (physical results) and formless (internal state).

Every significant achievement begins with a single decision and small steps. You can start with small actions that align with your desired change. Each small decision can build momentum, transforming over time into significant growth.

Finding joy and satisfaction in the journey, rather than waiting for the end result, is the way of progress. If you enjoy the process, you’ll be more motivated, regardless of the outcome.

anita

Dear Julie:

I am looking forward to attentively read what you shared, and reply Wed morning (Tues eve here).

Anita

Dear Peter:

“In my old journal writings, I also noted that I would try to do no harm. Next to it was a thought that if wisdom teaching weren’t leading a person towards compassion they were on the wrong track. I feel we are on the good track”- the commitment to do no harm suggests an intention to lead a life guided by kindness, ethical behavior, and a desire to avoid causing pain or suffering to others.

Alongside your commitment to do no harm, you had the realization that true wisdom teachings should lead a person towards compassion. In other words, any philosophical or spiritual teachings that do not foster compassion and empathy are misguided or incomplete. For you, the essence of true wisdom involves nurturing a compassionate heart.

* An example of a philosophical teaching that does not foster compassion for others is Objectivism where compassion for others is not a primary ethical consideration, and acts of compassion are only encouraged if they align with one’s own rational self-interest.

I agree with you, Peter, and I am glad that we are on the right track.

“Over the last week I’ve falling into the shadows feeling stuck. Going over the post in this thread I wrote the following… A part of me still attached to the original shame that I’m bad… A shame reinforced by the retelling of old stories… One might wonder if I’m out to punish myself and so deserve even seek out the shadows… oh”-

– the retelling of these stories triggers a deep sense of shame that is still attached to the stories you tell about your past experiences. You reflect on the possibility that you might be unconsciously punishing yourself by continually revisiting these painful memories. You question whether you deserve to seek out the shadows, indicating a possible belief that you are somehow deserving of this suffering. In other words, by repeatedly telling yourself these negative stories, you might be perpetuating a cycle of self-punishment and keeping yourself stuck in a negative emotional state. You recognize the destructive nature of this cycle but is struggling to break free from it.

“Unskillful reasons I retell and hold onto my stories of hurt? I re-tell my stories in the hopes that by retelling them I can change them. I re-tell my stories with a thought that I need to hold onto the hurt to maintain boundaries. I re-tell my stories as away to imagine I’m hurting those that hurt me. I re-tell my stories to punish myself”-

– You believe that holding onto the hurt helps you maintain boundaries. This implies that the pain from past experiences serves as a protective mechanism, preventing you from getting too close to others and potentially being hurt again. However, this strategy also isolate you and hinders the formation of healthy relationships.

You imagine that by retelling your stories, you are somehow hurting those who hurt you. This reveals a desire for retribution or justice, that reliving the pain allows you to take back some power, but in reality, it perpetuates the cycle of suffering.

While the retelling of stories might provide temporary comfort or a sense of control, they ultimately keep you trapped in a cycle of pain and prevent healing and growth.

“As we have explored we have noticed, if only peripherally, the Eternal. Realizing the relationship between the temporal and eternal is the sense of life. This realization itself isn’t hope but that the realization is possible maybe…”- if you see Peter from the Eternal perspective”-

– From the Temporal viewpoint, your identity is heavily defined by your past actions and experiences, leading to a narrow and often harsh self-judgment. This perspective lacks a sense of compassion and forgiveness for yourself. From the Eternal perspective, your inherent worth and value as a human being is untouched by your past mistakes or experiences, and therefore, you are deserving of love and compassion.

From the Eternal viewpoint, your true essence is not defined by your temporal struggles but by timeless truths such as your capacity for growth, resilience, and transformation, healing and evolving beyond your past. The Eternal perspective is compassionate. It recognizes that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes, but these do not diminish our worth. It encourages self-forgiveness and a deeper connection to universal principles such as love, empathy, and interconnectedness. Embracing the Eternal perspective can help us move beyond self-judgment and shame, and towards a more balanced and loving understanding of ourselves.

“So, the question is. How do we go from ‘knowing’ to living and resting in what we have learned?”- knowing + self compassion and forgiveness = living and resting in what we have learned.

“I think I’m asking why do I continue to fall into shadow?”- I think that it is Shame who is tripping you, again and again, causing you to fall.

“How is it we see but do not see?”- There are moments when we see and rejoice, hopeful, in what we see. We see bright blue, open skies. But then Shame- like a dark cloud- obscures the sunlight and we can’t see.

“To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead, you relax, and float.”― Alan Watts”-

– Just as trying to grab hold of the water while swimming can cause you to sink, clinging to Shame keeps you stuck in a cycle of negative emotions. Letting yourself to float can be a metaphor for releasing the grip of shame and trusting in your inherent worth. Overcoming shame involves trusting that you are enough as you are, without needing to prove your worth or relive past mistakes. It’s about allowing yourself to be carried by the current of self-compassion and acceptance. It’s about being gentle with yourself and accepting that you are human, deserving of love and forgiveness, leading to a sense of inner peace.

It’s about moving beyond the shadows of shame and finding lightness in self-acceptance.

After I started this post, Peter, I noticed that you submitted 2 new posts. I want to respond to them in this reply, connecting them to the topic of Shame:

(1) Your post before last: About Frodo and Sam: Frodo’s journey is marked by carrying a heavy burden—the One Ring. This burden parallels the weight of shame that you feel, seems to me. Just as the ring weighs on Frodo, shame weighs on you, affecting your ability to fully engage with life. Frodo’s inability to destroy the ring can be seen as a metaphor for the difficulty of overcoming deep-seated shame.

Frodo’s experiences, including the loss of his parents and the hardships of his quest, took a toll on his youthful innocence. Similarly, your past experiences and the shame attached to them eroded your sense of self-worth and innocence (the reason why it was difficult for you to accept the compliment “cute”, which implies youthful innocence).

“I think I saw Sam as the Hero because I wanted to be him. To emerge from the quest with the kind wise innocence needed to continue to engage in life after all the hardships. In hindsight it makes sense to me that I saw Frodo as failing and Sam as the hero. I wanted to be Sam and knew I wasn’t.”-

– It seems that your admiration for Sam and your perception of Frodo’s struggle resonate deeply with your own experiences. You see Sam as the hero because he embodies the qualities you aspire to: emerging from hardships with a kind and wise innocence, able to re-engage with life despite the challenges he faced.

Your wish to be like Sam reflects a longing to move beyond the weight of shame and fully embrace life. However, the acknowledgment that you see yourself more as Frodo, who carries a profound burden and finds it hard to re-engage with life, highlights the impact of your shame. This contrast between Sam and Frodo mirrors your inner struggle, as I see it: on one hand, you desire to be free from the shadows of shame and to engage with life as Sam does. On the other hand, you feel the persistent weight of shame, similar to Frodo’s burden, which hinders your ability to fully re-engage.

(2) Your most recent post: your references Krishnamurti’s argument, as I see it, expresses that a desire to overcome shame creates internal conflict, the shame becomes more entrenched as you try to force change.

You draw a parallel to Frodo’s inability to destroy the ring, suggesting that some burdens (like shame) are not for us to forcefully change or eliminate. Instead, they must be processed in their own time and space. This relates to the notion that overcoming shame requires patience, acceptance, and self-compassion rather than forceful action.

You note the theme of movement arising and returning to stillness, sound to silence, and time to the eternal. This cyclical nature reflects the process of healing from shame. Just as sound arises from silence and returns to it, your emotions (including shame) arise and can return to a state of peace.

“I feel I’m being asked to trust.”- I am going to connect this sentence to what I wrote to you yesterday. I wrote: “to create a lasting change, a person has to be rewarded along the way in the context of connecting to others. For example… if you let that affection reach deeper within you, if it made you smile and feel warm inside- that’s the kind of reward I am talking about. Without such rewards along the way, there’s nothing to motivate our social nature to continue the changing.”-

– to create a lasting change and to let it happen naturally, trust is crucial, trust in at least one person who tells you (as I do now): you are a good person, Peter. You deserve peace of mind. You deserve forgiveness- your own and others’. You made mistakes, you miscalculated, but who hasn’t. It’s human to make mistakes.

As I think about my mistakes, the most regrettable ones, the ones accompanied by the most intense shame and guilt, I still regret them just as much as I regretted them before. But I know that, being unable to go back in time and change things, the shame serves no purpose (I know-know it, I see- see it). Shame doesn’t help me; it doesn’t help anyone else. So, I let it go, the shame and guilt. I let them go rationally and naturally.

Shame and guilt (referring to your yesterday quote by Alan Watts) are still present in the water in which I swim, but I don’t grab hold of them, and therefore, I don’t sink.

Shame and guilt are still there in the shadow of my life, but (using your words from yesterday), I no longer “continue to fall into shadow”.

I suppose it’s about no longer sinking, no longing falling into shame and guilt. It takes trusting at least one person outside yourself who confidently tells you that you are a good person, peter, and that it is okay- for you personally- not to sink, but to RISE; not to fall, but to STAND STRONG.

anita

* correcting myself: Problem is that as much as we want change, we also resist changing. We don’t resist change when the change is removal of pain, or when it’s pleasure that wasn’t there before. We’d welcome such change instantly! It’s change-the-verb that we resist.

anita

Dear Peter:

Quotes from my journals right here on your thread, Jan 11-29, 2025:

“Early in childhood, maybe I was six, maybe younger, don’t remember, I placed myself on hold so to accommodate my mother’s needs, as I perceived those to be. My needs became strangers to myself. The first vow I made was to be a good girl, a good daughter, so that my mother will like me. I feel like a little girl now, the girl that was put on hold for so long, too long. The denied little girl is here, typing these words: “Here I Am!”

It is only recently that I understand and practice self- compassion in the place of harsh self- criticism. This shift is a new practice for me.

I felt too guilty to become an autonomous entity, too guilty to exist outside my mother. Now, I can call it emotional enmeshment, a psychological entrapment. I craved freedom from her for more than half a century. There in the home I grew up in, there was no ME. There was ONLY her. Feeling disconnected from myself and from others was my brand of living- dying. I didn’t really know what I wanted. Had a sense of aimlessness, as if I was drifting through life without direction or meaning.

Growing up, joy and excitement were muted, absent except for when daydreaming while listening to music when I was alone. This persistent sense of disconnection led to my experience of chronic anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, physical fatigue and exhaustion on a regular basis.

Trying to fix others by excessive intellectual analysis has been an ineffective habit of mine for the longest time. People need to be given space for their emotions to breathe, so to speak, a quiet space that’s not afforded when being the recipients of noisy analyses.

I remember how difficult it was for me to make choices that were the simplest choices for other people to make, such as which flavor to choose in an ice-cream shop. I stood there in a state of analysis-paralysis because my emotions (including ice-cream flavor preference) were, like I said earlier, strangers to me.

What I understand (for the first time in my life!) is that there is a difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries are those that are based on a negative foundation, which is the ongoing, long-term emotional experience of hurt and anger. It is exhausting, and it keeps the person hurt and angry way after boundaries have been established, while the person is no longer in the situation where he/ she is disrespected or abused. It means a life filled with hurt and anger that no longer serve to establish boundaries because such have already been established.

Healthy boundaries are based on positive foundations such as self-respect, personal value, and emotional well-being, rather than negative emotions. So, what a person with healthy boundaries experiences on a long-term basis (after boundaries have been established and while they are maintained) is not hurt and anger, but self-respect and peace of mind. Ongoing, long-term, chronic hurt and anger hinder personal growth, while ongoing self-respect, self-esteem and peace of mind promote personal growth.

So, as I retell my story with the hurt and anger, with labels that maintain the hurt and anger, I hinder my personal growth. My true self is one that no longer lives under the dark cloud of hurt and anger, but one who sees the light come through and feels its warmth.

I am… I don’t have words to describe this newness of this in my mind and heart. It will take time to take it in further. Thank you is not saying enough.

Personally, I have been heavily obstructed by my past, living under a very dark cloud of past hurts, sadness and anger, jealousy and envy, a deep sense of injustice. There is no way to find light under a dark cloud (beyond a moment here, a moment there, moments far in between). Got to transcend my past, to rise above it. To experience the Eternal Now.

I was a prisoner of the same-old, same-old pain of my childhood+ for longer than half a century, frozen in place, minimal, a life suffocated by the fear of (the same childhood) pain. It’s as if I was waiting the whole time for the pain to go away so that I can stand up and dare to breathe. It never happened and I remained on the ground being stared down by the pain, so to speak, while what I needed was to stand up and look it in the eye.

Transcending the fear of pain long- term then is a shift from minimizing myself so to feel less pain => maximize myself so to better be able to endure pain and enjoy the consequence of such endurance: joy as a way of life.

This reminds me of the chest-opener positions of yoga- expanding the heart, the shoulders, the upper back, undoing the common hunching over (contracted) positions of sitting. There is a sensation of power when I do every morning. I now need to do more of it, more expansion, opening myself to the experience of life from the position of strength and hope.

By accepting both comfort and discomfort as integral parts of the human experience, individuals can develop greater resilience and emotional intelligence.

Generally, we live in the Eternal Realm and in the Temporal Realm. it is not possible to live, as humans, in one or the other. It’s about living in both.

My Hope now is to say YES to me being me, a person who is no longer primarily suppressed and repressed, but expressed according to the values I believe in (do-no-harm is one).

The tragedy that hit me and stayed persistently for decades, is the accusation that I was a bad person, and that I was a bad person from a time before I had a chance to have a say about it: a chance to correct any (what?) bad deeds. The accusation just fell from the skies (my mother= god) and crushed me for so very long.

Running through an imaginary field of green grass, the gentle sun above, a child running, falling, lying on the ground frozen in time for decades, then getting up, an older woman resuming the run across field of green grass. Perhaps briskly walking across, don’t think I can run, not like a child ca run. Too hard for my aging knees.

I think that this is what is making me a good person today: the desire and commitment to do-no-harm coupled with a desire and commitment to help- not for self-centered or selfish purposes but because of a sense of connection with other humans, as in: we are all in the same boat: when I help you, I help myself; when I help myself, I help you”.

anita