Dear Shinnen:

“‘Why was I born here and now?’“- some people believe in destiny (believing that one is born with a predetermined future); others believe that the place and time of our births is a matter of random  chance. I believe in the latter.

“Is there anything distinctive about me“?- yes, absolutely! Your curiosity and intelligence stand out to me. Not everyone dives deep into existential questions like you do.

“or am I simply the result of circumstances and genetics“- while circumstances and genetics play a significant role in shaping who we are, there is an entire realm of experiences, choices and consciousness that add layers to one’s identity. You interact with the world and create meaning in it beyond your circumstances and genetics.

“in the same way that there are no completely identical stones, nothing special, just different?”- different but not insignificant. Each one of us has our own unique form and beauty- physical and otherwise-  that might not be immediately visible. Your experiences, your thoughts, your feelings- they create a mosaic that’s singularly yours.

It’s all about what you see, and what you do- in the world- with your uniqueness: are you isolated from or interactive with others; do you choose to harm or to help people.

“I don’t believe or disbelieve in a soul. The same goes for God. They, along with most concept, belong to the myriad of things I have no reason to believe, or not believe“- reads like you prioritize evidence, logic and reason over beliefs based on faith and intuition, a rationalist and a skeptic, needing strong evidence before you believe in something.  There is not enough evidence for you to believe in a soul and a god, nor is there enough evidence for you to believe that there is no such thing as a soul or a god.

“I am ‘very’ suspicious of my ego, which I suspect has a vested interest in telling me how unique, different, special, etc. I am. As humans, the primary way we evaluate the world, what we find threatening, good, bad, right, wrong, evil, true, fearful, the list is endless, is by comparison… always skewed toward our self interest.. ego, as you say. I see no reason to believe that I’m special or unique;  different.. sure, but, so is everything else.“- you are a skeptic in regard to the existence or non-existence of soul and god, and a skeptic in regard to you being unique and special. Not enough evidence to convince you one way or the other.

There is a desire in you to be unique and special, you may call it the ego’s desire. We all have an innate need for recognition. We crave (or craved, before giving up) acknowledgment and appreciation as someone unique and special. We all want (or wanted.. before giving up) to stand out. Nobody likes to be ordinary or forgotten.

There are two sources for feeling unique and special: (1) an external/ acquired source that is dependent on others. We focus outward and compare ourselves to others. If we have significantly more physical beauty, more I.Q, more education, more money, etc., then we (may) feel unique and special (for some time), (2) an internal/ intrinsic  source that is independent on others. We focus inward, focusing today on becoming more and better than we were yesterday, comparing ourselves not to others, but to who we were before.

The first require others to see and assess you (ex., observers can see what vehicle you drive and they can easily find out how much it costs); the second requires you to see and assess yourself according to what you choose to value. The first is reactive, the second is creative.

anita

Dear Kane:

I wasn’t able to read and process most of your original post yesterday afternoon (my time), but I feel more able this Sat morning. I will read a part of your post, respond to it, then read the next part, respond to it, etc.

“hello, my name is Kane, 18 and wanting change“- hello Kane. When I was 18, I wanted to change too. I hope that what needs to change within you and for your benefit, will take place.

“as I grew up, I understood… that everything, had ability to be wrong, incorrect, untrue, inexact, so, I never lived with ‘certainties’, like I was a nice person”-

– I didn’t read the next part, so I don’t know yet what you are referring to, but this line rings a bell for me in regard to my own experience growing up. My mother criticized me so many times, criticizing what I said and did, what I didn’t say and should have said. She even criticized the expressions on my face, what (she thought) I thought and felt. Her message to me was that I was Wrong, that I was thinking wrong, feeling wrong, doing things wrong.

A particular harmful criticism, looking back, was that I was thinking wrong because it led to so much self-doubt over the years and decades. But then her other criticisms were particularly harmful too, leading me to decades of feeling (and thinking) intense guilt and feeling that I wasn’t able to make good choices, so I needed someone else, someone capable to make choices for me (learned helplessness).

Now back to your post: .. I am reading your words, I get a meaning here and there, but it’s difficult for me to follow (I have ADD: Attention Deficit Disorder) and wordiness (using many more words than what is needed to convey a message, resulting in writing that is not clear and concise) is difficult, and sometimes impossible for me to process. So, I will be skipping most parts that I didn’t understand enough.

“I worked into the depths of everything I could, one’s nature… how bad it is we are not in control of our development, the natural problem between kids and parents being organic and part inorganic… I  logicalized everything to such a degree“- seems to me that there were- and are- personal, concrete problems between you and your parents, but you don’t address these problems. Instead, you have been analyzing general  problems between parents and kids and in the  abstract. I made a comment yesterday in my reply to you about intellectualizing because that’s what I sensed you were doing in your post.

psychology today/ intellectualization: “Intellectualization is a defense mechanism in which people reason about a problem to avoid uncomfortable or distressing emotions. For example… A man who lost his wife may focus all of his energy on funeral arrangements and logistics instead of acknowledging his grief. By channeling mental energy into a logical assessment or abstract discussion, an individual can avoid painful emotions or remain distanced from beliefs that challenge their sense of self”.

Even though it takes intelligence to intellectualize (you are an intelligent young person), intellectualization blocks understanding because it (intellectualization) is about avoiding emotional awareness. There is an equation of sorts that my therapist, a decade ago, presented to me: Wise Mind= Rational Mind + Emotional Mind.

Back to your post: “I cried too much as a kid, to which I hid my pain, even though they made me feel such“- you cried as a boy growing up because you were in pain, and they (your parents, I assume) inflicted pain on you..?

“I invalidated my emotions from having agency by denying their impact… I am struggling to advance further in my knowledge, as that is my dependency, for as long as I find the logic, I can do it, and if not…I can’t“- your emotions need to be validated. You cannot be wise by logic alone: wisdom= logic+ emotions.

“my emotions are chaotic and eating each other, wanting to laugh, to smile, to cry, to scream, to hurt, hurt, and hurt, myself? Others? Don’t know?!“- this is similar to what I experienced when I was your age, before and a long time after. No wonder I was so exhausted, particularly as a teenager and in my early 20s when I still lived with my mother. To have emotions chaotic and eating each other is indeed.. exhausting. (The way I used to relax, to calm the emotions down, was to daydream. It’s called maladaptive daydreaming because I did so much of it, throughout the day).

Looking back, this was what my emotional chaos was about: I was in emotional pain, but my focus was on my mother’s pain. My empathy was with her. She accused me of causing her pain, of being the Problem. So, I was against the Problem= against myself. But I didn’t only feel empathy for her, I also felt anger/ hate for her. I was conflicted (empathy & hate), hence the chaos.

Persistent Conflict=> Emotional Chaos=> Exhaustion.

I felt that I deserved to be in pain for being the Problem, but on the other hand, part of me (the part that felt innocent of her accusations) was fighting for itself, pointing to my mother as the Problem.

My peace of mind, the calming of the chaos, happened after I finally took my side and believed, thoroughly believed, that in the context of my mother- myself, she was the Guilty one, I was the Good one.

Back to your post: “Then there’s the wisdom itself, which I nicknamed ‘Mechanical Morality’, as they are the absolute of truths we struggle to grasp… a child’s two-sided ability to be a bright light of joy, or of cruelty“- I wish I was able to understand this part. Can you/ will you explain this to me as simply and clearly as you can, as if you are explaining this to a young child who cannot follow abstract, complex wording?

As a matter of fact, you can help yourself perhaps, if you simplify your writing and express yourself through words that a child will use. (I used to intellectualize.. a lot. Simplified, direct writing made my healing possible).

“Each counterweight each other to where I can’t be anything, feel like my kindness isn’t genuine”- You can’t place your emotions in rational, intellectualized containers and feel genuine. The emotions placed in the containers (repressed & suppressed) are not calm emotions. They demand to be let out, do they?

“Everything that comes into reality had its reason towards existing, to where nearly, there’s always a reason, even when there’s not one directly, you could be pushed to do the worst of the worst and still be the kindest person out there, you can be disgusting yet like something pure“- yes, there is always reasons why people do bad things. Reasons do not equal justifications. And it is true that every person who repeatedly harms another was once innocent and was harmed himself/ herself by someone else. And so, abuse has been spreading around like fire, since the beginning of times.

I used to think that my thoughts (thoughts that I felt were unacceptable) were indications that I was a bad person, and that my anger- and the thoughts fueled by my anger- were also indications that I was a bad person. I didn’t know that people are neither good nor bad for the content of their thoughts, nor for the quality of their feelings. People are good or bad for what they say/ type and for their actions. This means that even when my feelings are not.. pretty, so to speak, as long as I choose to help/ to do no harm.. I am a good person.

I typed above, “a good person”. A Person, not a Saint. There are no saints in human form. I can’t think of a saint in any form. Only the other day I found myself gossiping about a person whose behavior I disapprove of (objectively, objectionable behaviors), and I am still trying to figure out what I should do about my anger at him. My anger is not at all an indication that I am a good or bad person. What I choose to say and do, as a good (and imperfect/ unsaintly) person, is the question.

“Our world is filled with contradictions, to where almost nothing is just one thing“- when I took my side, some things were.. just one thing. The little girl that I was, was just this one thing: a good little girl that loved her mother deeply, and would have done anything and everything to help her mother. And she did all that she was able to do to help her mother.

“I’m getting better, as in I’m feeling emotions again with more honesty“- good to read that you are getting better, feeling your emotions with more honesty.

“but that whole storm is still there… it’s just arguing, simple, family, arguments, fools hurting each other“- who is hurting you, and how?

“I can’t live without them, yet I so desperately want to, yet I want the family that this one doesn’t feel like it is… not exactly horrible, not the best… I need to do something drastic.. let anger win“- there is a positive, healthy message behind your anger: to live away from your family, a family who has been horrible enough to cause a good, loving boy to desperately want to live away from them..?

anita

Dear Nik:

You ended your original post a week ago with this: “Any advice or support would be appreciated. I don’t even know where to begin.” In my first reply to you, I did not offer any advice, and I would like to offer it today after I further process what you shared.

When I read and process information that members share about their life experiences, it helps me understand myself as well as other people better, and I would like to understand more this morning. If you are reading, I hope that the following will be helpful, and please feel free to reply and let me know of your thoughts and feelings, including in regard to where you disagree with my understanding.

Looking at the title you chose for your thread, it says “Ended Up Trapped with the Wrong Guy“: Trapped means that you found yourself in an unpleasant situation into which you were manipulated, and from which you feel (or felt) that you cannot escape, implying lack of freedom and autonomy.

In July 2023, in San Francisco, you met a “handsome, athletic, blue eyes, seemingly perfect” man, a man whose looks you were clearly attracted to. Unfortunately, he ghosted you after 7 weeks of dating. It was wrong of him to ghost you and understandably you were hurt and distressed as a result. He should have been honest with you, and respectful to you instead of ghosting you.

Next, you met a “35, 300lbs, not taking care of himself” man, a man whose looks you were clearly unattracted to, an engineer who owns a makerspace.

“He was controlling, intense, and monopolized my time“- you were not attracted to his personality.

“We were working 24/7 on an AI hardware product for a hackathon with $10K prize“- you were not attracted to his looks, or to his personality. You were attracted to his AI engineering capabilities and to the money you hoped the two of you can make together.

“under pressure, I said yes to being his girlfriend… (he) was persistent, and I eventually gave in, even though I knew it wasn’t right… One night, after a long day of work, we got drunk, and even though I hadn’t planned it, we had sex“- all this, saying yes to being his girlfriend, getting drunk with him and having sex with him wouldn’t have happened if the two of you were clear about your association being purely professional, business only.

And this is my first advice to you: if and when you are interested in a man only for his professional capabilities and for the hope of making money together, make it very clear from the start, that the association is 100% professional. Have a contract drawn with him/her (a professional partner may be a man or a woman) that spells out each other’s expected duties, roles and financial arrangements.

“When I asked him to help me with $700 rent at my place (I was living there full-time), he refused, saying, ‘That’s wifey privileges. If we were married, I’d help.’ I couldn’t believe it. I had given up so much—my time, my energy, even my independence—but that wasn’t enough for him“- you gave him your body and your power/ autonomy when all you had to give away- for your purposes- was your professional capabilities to build the AI hardware product.

“I lowered my standards to even live in to work on this project and be with him bc he made it seem like life was gonna get better and he’s the best engineer in the city and they build robots/laser for the 3 letter agency contracts soon to be worth millions“- here it is, your motivation with this man spelled out: not sex, not romance, but professional and financial, to make millions of dollars.

“I gave up my celibacy, my mentor, and my independence for this man“- not for this man, but for.. his professional capabilities, aiming at making a lot of money.

“How do I even begin to recover from this? I feel like I’ve lost everything—my time, my trust, and my sense of self… Any advice or support would be appreciated. I don’t even know where to begin.“- (1) in professional endeavors, place your trust in spelled-out legal contracts, (2) don’t give away your body to a man to whom you are not attracted  either physically or emotionally, as in positively appreciating his personality, and even better, his character, (3) reflect on your values in regard to a romantic relationship (a type of relational relationship, see below), on what you truly want from a romantic relationship as opposed to a professional relationship (a transactional relationship, see below); separate the two kinds of relationships.

Study. com/.. transactional relationships: “What is meant by being transactional? Being transactional means there is an expectation that if one gives, one will receive. A transactional person will keep watch or score of give and take. What is the opposite of a transactional relationship? The opposite of a transactional relationship is a non-transactional, or relational, relationship… the goal of a relational relationship is simply the creation and maintenance of a healthy relationship…

“The transactional relationship definition refers to a business-like approach to a relationship, where each person in that relationship has clear responsibilities and rewards. Those responsibilities will define what each individual is expected to contribute, as well as the rewards each will receive (or expects to receive) as a result of their efforts. Typical characteristics of transactional relationships include convenience and pre-determined quid pro quo, which means an agreement about a tradeoff is made in advance of beginning a formal business relationship. Additionally, people in transactional relationships tend to be clear on what benefits they will reap from the relationship as well as what is/will be expected from them; expectations are clearly communicated, sometimes even before the relationship begins. People in transactional relationships might be overheard saying the following to each other: * You said you would do this if I did that. * What do I have to do in order for you to do that? * If I do this for you, what will do for me?…”.

“Relational connections go beyond mere transactions and involve a genuine interest in the well-being of the other person. Relational relationships are: * Often characterized by empathy * More emotionally-based levels of communication * A long-term perspective * A sense of intimacy and connection that transcends immediate or financially-based gains.  Ultimately, the key distinction lies in the nature and depth of the connection, with transactional relationships being more instrumental and goal-oriented, and relational relationships emphasizing emotional connection and long-term mutual support”.

I hope that this is helpful to you, Nick, and to anyone who may be reading this. It is helpful to me, it makes things clearer in my mind: I never thought about my relationship with my mother in these terms, but it was indeed a transactional relationship. She kept repeating over the years all that she has done for me, and how much I owe her. I needed a relational relationship from her, one characterized by empathy with a long-term perspective, a sense of intimacy and connection and long-term mutual support.

My mother also repeatedly told me that she loved me. From the first online source above: “Transactional love does not exist, as love does not stem from strictly quid pro quo agreements. A transaction or series of agreed upon responsibilities and rewards is more akin to a professional partnership and not a relationship that is built on love.” I understand better now, thank you for the opportunity, Nick.

anita

Dear Jack:

You are welcome. You shared that 2 months into getting to know a woman, you relocated to another country, and a 1-year long-distance relationship followed: you Face Timed and travelled to see each other. At one point, she planned to move to the new country to “to start a new life“, living with you. 

* This reminds me how often I, personally, wanted to start a new life, so many times I longed for a new life, a new beginning.. but the old found its way- sooner or later- into the new.

“when she came along, she was absolutely the one for me. It felt like love at first sight for us both“- reads like a beginning, something new, a promise of a new life for the two of you.

“my now ex ‘suddenly lost her feelings’ for me… an apparent distrust“- reads like an old distrust, from the time before she met you, invaded the new, and ended the promising beginning.

“Can I help resolve the situation?… It’s been a month of no contact, but do I initiate something now she’s living in the same city? Or do I give her space to settle and reflect?“- question to you first, if I may: what social contacts does she have in the city where you live: any family, friends.. work colleagues? Is she living there alone? I am trying to understand what social support she has in the city & country where she recently located to.

anita

Reactivating your thread because of email difficulties. Here’s yesterday’s email that was rejected:

Dear Clara:

Thank you for hoping I have a good night. It’s Tues 7:17 pm here, and I do hope to sleep better tonight. It’s Wed 10:17 am where you are at. I will read and reply further Wed morning (my time).

anita

Dear Clara:

“Last night I had a dream. I am currently raising a hamster, and I saw her pregnant and I suddenly saw a few babies next to her. Panicked and nervous, I started to check on the babies, at first I saw 4 then suddenly it became 3. The panicking goes on until I woke up“- the fear is about the responsibility involved in adopting and caring for one or both cats, fear that any one of them will die while under your care..?

“So now I have a few choices: 1) Adopt both; 2) Adopt either one of them (although they try to pair them but one is 3.5 months the other is 4.5 years old, I don’t know how they can work well); 3) Not adopt now/ at all/ look for other places“- when it comes to a person who is interested in adopting one cat, the shelter is using the 3.5-months, cute and friendly cat as a bait for the purpose of having the older cat adopted (with best intentions, of course). The person to adopt both cats needs to be someone who feels very comfortable having 2 cats, or more than 2 cats, in their home.

Would you have felt more comfortable adopting the young one if the older one was not presented as a (preferred) package deal?

“Re: volunteering. I got a chance to see the babies &  that I will potentially work with that day, some of the kids are so eager to look for human, keep waving and saying hi… Hopefully I can give them a bit more interaction and sense of connectedness“- I hope so too. If you don’t adopt a cat or cats, volunteering with young children will give you the connectedness and satisfaction that you need.

anita