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anita
ParticipantDear M:
Yes, I had a similar experience in that I had a complicated mother (who produced a complicated daughter 😔). Much of my life was Too much (and too little).
How long ago was your diagnosis.. How is your health now?
🤍🌿 Anita
anita
ParticipantYou are welcome, Jana, and thank you for stopping by this morning (here, U.S.), your afternoon (Czechia).
Good to read that you are feeling peaceful and calm, like autumn 🍂🌻🍁
🤗 back to you!
anita
ParticipantDear Milda:
“So, she pushed the button in me by saying: ‘well we are not the center of the world, there are still ALIVE relatives.'”-
What if you answered her (in your mind, at the least): I AM ALIVE and I AM IN THE CENTER of this one world: MY OWN LIFE!
Neither you nor grandmother or any other living or dead relative deserve to be the center of my personal world!
It’s MINE, not YOURS!
I typed the above feeling angry. I mean, how dare she!
How does it feel to you, Milda.. my anger right above?
“I’m so very lost and scared. It’s devastating. 😔”- this is pain that was inflicted on you, wouldn’t be if you had parents who had mercy on you. Your pain is heartbreaking.
And it’s similar to the pain I carried with me most of my life.
You deserve healing, Milda. you deserve reclaiming center stage in your own life!
🤍🌿 Anita
anita
ParticipantDear me:
It made me smile (my first smile of this Monday, feeling sad that the socially busy weekend is over) when I read about the good, playful times the two of you had, particularly when I imagined your eyes meeting through the holes in the box 🙂
Thank you for sharing about these good times, good memories!
I am looking forward to reading from you again, another time, another thread.
Please take good care of yourself!
🤍🌿 Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Milda:
“their one sentence gets me into guilt and old behavior…”- it took me 10+ years of no contact with my mother, more than 10 years of not hearing her voice irl.. to actually stop hearing her voice. More than a decade.
Her voice, shaming, guilt-tripping, so powerful in my psych.. a dominating, domineering voice. A cruel voice.
“their words hit me like a bullet”- I relate. Like a bullet.
I’ll write more in the morning.
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Milda:
You are very welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and kindness ❤️
As I was reading the second paragraph of your post right above, the image of a child touching a hot stove for the first time came to my mind. Developing the image: the kid didn’t know how it would feel to touch a hot stove until she touched it. She never thought about it, didn’t consider it. She touches it. Consequence: the alarming, painful sensation of burning. She moves her hand ASAP away from the stove. From then on, she remembers and doesn’t touch a stove until she makes sure it’s not hot.
Similarly, in the beginning, you didn’t know that saying “no” was.. like touching a hot stove, didn’t even cross your mind, so you said “no”. Consequence: the alarming, painful sensation of guilt and shame. (“when I had situations where I said ‘no’ and my parents guilt tripped me for that, said something shameful, insulting”)
From then on, you remember. You don’t say “no”, and you want to make sure the stove is not hot/ you make sure they’re not angry with you (“a signal: do something so they are not angry with you”).
The touching a hot stove story makes sense. It really is, objectively, dangerous to touch a hot stove and keep the hand there.
On the other hand, it is healthy and helpful to say “no” and set boundaries. But alas! The kid is punished for healthy behaviors, and the result: doing what’s healthy feels dangerous.What to do?
Maybe understand more, for one, how wrong it is for a parent to guilt trip and shame a child for something healthy. A post ago, you wrote: “I do not blame anyone”. For the purpose of healing, it might be helpful to assign blame where it clearly belongs.
Anger is a natural response to being wronged (guilt-tripped, shamed and insulted for healthy behaviors). Anger may give you the strength, or courage to reclaim your human right to say “no” and set healthy boundaries.
Not Anger Forever. Not explosive, or abusive anger. Just enough of it to counter the fear (“To start feeling scared and still act in a new healthy way.”), and to give the “bad” that they threw at you back to them (“I believe this is the biggest issue- that I feel scared, I feel a bad daughter (by my parents terms)”)
For the longest time, I had this core belief, set so early on by being repeatedly guilt-tripped, shamed and insulted by my mother, that I was a BAD daughter. For many years I tried so hard to become a good daughter (by my mother’s terms), but never accomplished that goal.
Fast forward, I handed her the BAD (in regard to the guilt-tripping and shaming), and the result: no more bad for me to carry (in regard to having been guilt-tripped and shamed by her). The bad is for the one inflicting shame to carry, not for the victim of the infliction to carry.
What do you think, Milda?
🌿 🤍 Anita
anita
ParticipantDear me:
You are making sense. You were clear in your first post here, Sept 20, which you ended with: “just wanted to post about it.”, and a week later (right above): “I… decided to post this connection here because it’s been a while since I posted.”
Like a person reading what seemed like the beginning of a romantic story, I got a bit invested in it, wanting there to be more, thinking it could make you happy.
Thank you, me, for being logical, realistic and strong!
I am looking forward to reading from you in a new thread. I will miss you!
🤍🌿 Anita
anita
ParticipantThank you for being kind and gracious. I appreciate you, Going Through Life!
Please take all the time that you need to take.
🤍🌿 Anita
anita
ParticipantDear me:
I think it doesn’t matter what this guy and that guy says about you and the Taiwanese woman. What matters is what you tell her and what she tells you in return- privately, just between you and her.
Tell her- privately- how you feel. Wait for her response.
I know it’s stressful, but IF you can handle this kind of distress, the unknowing, the anticipation- it’d be worth it.
Be honest and direct with her. What do you have to lose?
🤍🌿 Anita
anita
ParticipantRereading the above, Going Through Life, maybe I asked too many questions 🙁..
September 27, 2025 at 11:24 am in reply to: Trying my best to get out my comfort zone but still am very lonely #450381anita
ParticipantDear MissLDutchess:
Indeed, adult life can feel lonely, childhood too. I know loneliness all too well.
It’s courageous of you to put yourself out there in new ways.
I hope that you soon feel like you do belong somewhere!
🙂 Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tom:
You might enjoy Singapore Botanic Gardens (so I read), or St. John’s Island or Lazarus Island: accessible by ferry, these offshore escapes offer peaceful beaches and walking trails. Great for a day of solitude with the possibility of light interaction with fellow nature lovers.
You might enjoy quiet cafes, tucked-away cafés perfect for solo brunches or reading. Maybe The Book Café or Kreams Krafthouse for their cozy ambiance. (.. So, I read)- these are the things I would enjoy if I was there.
🕊️🙂 Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Going Through Life:
I imagine there’re news in regard to SS since you last posted. I wonder if you got together.. or if you got back together?
“she asked me if I want to get together, how will I ever trust again”- you asked her how you will ever trust her again, or did she ask you how she’d ever trust you again..? (not clear in the sentence).
“I was bullied and told I was ugly in my childhood, I inherently seek external validation through relationships and intimacy.”-
Ugly is primarily a behavior, as I see it. So those who said to you (a behavior) what they told you, they are the ones who were ugly at the time, weren’t they?
When you say that you seek validation in this context, you mean that you seek being told that you are handsome..?
Looking back a few posts ago, you wrote “I have started working on my health’- do you have physical health issues or concerns..?
🤍🌿 Anita
anita
ParticipantWow, me, I am IMPRESSED!
Impressed by how honest and direct you were in the last few lines. You covered everything: she’s far away, you have a lot going on where you’re at, and you liked her very much (that’s how I read it) when she was there with you.
You said everything in only a few sentences.
how did she respond???
🤍🌿 Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Milda:
I finally have the time to read and reply to your recent post attentively. I’ll be typing whatever comes to mind as I respond to what you wrote:
“I can’t stop thinking about the elephant story. Something very fundamental is keeping me stuck in this rope. I think the belief engraved in childhood that I am worthy and lovable only if I constantly give to others is one of those.”-
So, the Rope is the Constantly Giving to other people (a behavior) as a way to feel worthy and lovable.
“The real truth is that everyone is responsible for their life, problem solving, emotions, but in me, this is 180 degrees different- it’s that I am responsible for this.”-
The Rope is also the Untrue Core Belief that you are responsible for what you are not responsible for. It’s a core belief that fuels the constant giving behavior.
“These fundamental programs installed in me keep me stuck. I try to change them by reading books, talking to a therapist, giving myself space and time. None of this helps. I’m still stuck in this rope and the old programs won’t let me get out of it… I just do not know what else I should try, in order to be scared, be guilty, but still do the work of change.”-
There is an issue of brain-body chemistry. Neurotransmitters as well as hormones are in the habit of being released following certain triggers, in certain amounts/ combinations, producing the scared, guilty feelings, as well as maintaining the core belief and fueling behaviors.
The Rope is also the current and long-term Brain Body Chemistry.
Reading books (or reading tis very post0, talking to a therapist, etc. don’t change brain chemistry.
I am now going back to the beginning of your thread..
On Oct 27, 2023, you shared: “I was text messaging with my mother… she replied:… I physically felt a stress reaction: my heart was racing, head spinning, felt nervous, scared and had an immediate thoughts of ‘I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, I HAVE TO SOLVE IT, HOW CAN I COMFORT MY MOTHER, HOW TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM FOR HER”-
If I understand correctly, you perceived something dangerous in her reply, a threat to her safety, or to yours=> your brain sent a signal to the adrenal glands (located on top of the kidneys) to produce the hormone Adrenaline which flooded your system so to sharpen your focus and prepare for action. Cortisol, the stress hormone, was also produced and released by the same glands.
I read (Copilot) that “Cortisol heightens vigilance, narrows attention, and can reinforce habitual thought loops—especially around responsibility and problem-solving.”- Cortisol.. The Rope?
Oxytocin, another hormone, this one produced in the brain, is attachment-related, it’s responsible for the impulse to comfort your mother, “Oxytocin can amplify the drive to soothe others—especially caregivers—when they’re distressed.” Dopamine, primarily a neurotransmitter that’s produced in the brain, is responsible for “seeking relief through action” (solving other people’s problems).
Copilot: “Brain chemistry plays a central role in shaping our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors… But here’s the liberating truth: neuroplasticity is real. The brain can rewire itself—even in adulthood. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. Here’s how someone can succeed even when old chemistry resists:
1. Repetition rewires- Habits are built through repeated neural firing. To change them, you need consistent, intentional practice—even if it feels unnatural at first.
Example: Replacing a self-critical thought with a compassionate one, daily, begins to shift the default pathway.
2. Somatic and emotional regulation- Practices like breathwork, movement, EMDR, or somatic experiencing help discharge stored emotional energy and calm the nervous system… Somatic Experiencing (SE) is a body-based therapeutic approach designed to help people release trauma and regulate their nervous system—without needing to relive or retell the traumatic event in detail.
Developed by Dr. Peter Levine, SE is grounded in the idea that trauma isn’t just stored in the mind—it’s held in the body…Instead of focusing on the story, SE guides people to notice physical sensations (tightness, heat, trembling, numbness).
These sensations are clues to where the body is holding stress or trauma… It’s a way of saying: ‘Your body remembers. Let’s help it feel safe again.’3. Relational safety- Healing in connection—whether through therapy, community, or attuned relationships—can reshape attachment patterns and soothe hypervigilant circuits.
Feeling seen and safe helps the brain learn: “I’m not in danger anymore.”…
6. Sometimes, biochemical support helps- For some, medication or nutritional support can rebalance neurotransmitters, making change more accessible….
So yes, the chemistry is real. But it’s not destiny. The brain is a living system, shaped by experience, intention, and relationship. And when someone commits to change with clarity and support, even the most stubborn loops can soften.”
End of quote.
What do you think, Milda? Personally, I need to get into the SE practice mentioned above..
🌿 🤍 Anita
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