Hello Everyone:

In her original post, Jana wrote: “I need to deal with my emotions in a more responsible and healthy way.”-

Me too. In intense conflict with a person—or when I feel intense emotions toward someone, whether fear, anger, or hurt—I just want to disappear, to never talk to or see the person again. As a result of this very thread, I am learning to stay during conflict, stay with my emotions, and not run away.

I will respond to Tee’s and Alessa’s most recent posts:

Tee: “You do realize that you listed me and Alessa as people who abused you, similarly like your mother did? (‘people who continue my mother’s work of invalidation and judgment’)”-

I don’t remember if I had you and/or Alessa in mind when I wrote that sentence (I wrote so much in my stream-of-consciousness posts…), but right now, this morning—

I would say that in regard to Alessa, she is not at all similar to my mother. I would say that your anger, Tee—the way you go after me, the way you don’t let go, while having absolutely no empathy for me—does remind me of my mother.

During this whole conflict, Alessa repeatedly expressed empathy for me. But you, Tee—nothing. Only anger, outrage.

Following my return to this thread yesterday, the first time I addressed the conflict, Peter expressed goodwill: “We all come from the same place: wanting to help and wanting to be seen. I hope we can continue our dialogue from that space… In a World where you can be anything, Be Kind.”

So did Jana: “I’ll let you explain the conflict to each other… I just needed to remind us… we all need the same, love, feeling of security, understanding.”

And so did Alessa: “I appreciate the gesture of goodwill that you are trying to soften things with some positivity… I appreciate that you have done your best to talk about these things despite it being difficult for you. I appreciate you being respectful and understanding. I can see that you are trying your best.”

But no empathy and no goodwill from you, Tee—only accusation, repeated accusation. Not even once did you give me any credit for returning to this thread and addressing the conflict as best I can.

And since my return, you did not take into consideration anything I posted—not a single thing. You simply kept repeating the same accusations, keeping the same outrage. As if I didn’t say anything of value.

It feels like you’re locked in a battle mindset, Tee—focused on winning, not understanding.

I wouldn’t be surprised if parts of the above are quoted and used to repeat or escalate accusations. That’s your choice, Tee.

Alessa: “I’m sorry to hear that you felt unsafe, overwhelmed and unable to process it at the time. Why did you feel that way?”- I was afraid of being bullied—like the participants in this thread ganging up against me. I felt it’d be like volunteering to enter a lion’s den.

“I felt very uncomfortable about the exchange between yourself and Tee.”- I feel uncomfortable about it too. I have to force myself to read her words because I expect the same or escalated accusations, and no goodwill.

“I really didn’t mean to make you feel like you were the problem.”- Thank you, Alessa.

Closing thoughts for this post: I think that I understand what’s driving your anger, Tee and I believe that you believe that you are Right and I am Wrong, and there’ll be no peace unless I admit that (according to you), I am Wrong.

While I was not perfect during this whole conflict (I never am, lol), I was not wrong- not in regard to you.

I was wrong in regard to Alessa and Jana.. and Peter. I was judgmental, I realize now, looking back.. I interpreted some of your imperfections through a lens of judgment, rather than understanding. That showed itself in my silence, if not otherwise. I regret that.

I understand more now, and I’m choosing peace—for myself and for this space.

Anita

Dear Calm Moon,

Leaving a job that drained you—physically, emotionally, and energetically—was not a failure. It was a powerful act of self-protection. The toll it took on your body speaks volumes, and the fact that you’re still showing up, still applying, still dreaming of something better? That’s resilience.

The job opportunity you described sounds aligned with the vision you set for yourself. Even if the outcome isn’t certain yet, the fact that you’re moving toward it with intention matters deeply.

And applying for a Master’s program abroad while managing financial stress? That’s a lot for one nervous system to hold. It makes sense that your mind feels constantly “on.” You’re carrying multiple layers of uncertainty, and still showing up.

So let this be your reminder: You are not behind. You are not failing. You are not lazy. You are doing the hard work of rebuilding with care and discernment.

If it helps, you might anchor yourself with a mantra like: “I am allowed to move slowly. I am allowed to protect my peace. I am allowed to choose what aligns.”

Sending you steadiness and respect as you move through this next chapter. You’re doing beautifully.

Warmly, Anita

Dear Dafne: I hug you tenderly back, and will reply further tomorrow.

🤗 💓 Anita

Dear Calm Moon:

Good to read from you again! Been very busy today, will reply by tomorrow!

Anita

Dear Tommy:

Thank you for your thoughtful message from yesterday. I felt the care in your words, and I appreciate how you spoke to the difference between real healing and spiritual bypassing. That Bodhidharma story—yes. It says so much. We can’t force ourselves into enlightenment by ignoring pain. We have to meet the pain first.

I agree with you about the “no-self” idea may be used- in some contexts- to erase suffering. That kind of thinking can be harmful when someone is hurting. Pain doesn’t disappear just because we say the self isn’t real. It needs to be seen and tended to.

Your closing lines made me smile. I like your sense of humor!

Nonetheless, you’re not the village idiot. You’re someone who sees clearly and speaks with heart. That kind of honesty is rare, and I’m grateful for it.

Thank you for naming the healing that’s happening here. It means a lot.

🌸💐🌷 Anita

“I’ve also come to see that not all conflict needs resolution. As Lewis B. Smedes wrote in The Art of Forgiveness, sometimes forgiveness is more about releasing the need to fix than finding agreement.”- thank you for this, Peter.

Tee:

Your argument hinges on a fundamental misreading of emotional truth as interpersonal attack. I named my internal experience—my fear, my trauma responses, my emotional associations, and I did it in my own thread without naming individuals, and while explicitly stating that I was reflecting on dynamics, not targeting people.

You are interpreting my emotional processing as projection, false accusation, and a Smear campaign, framing my subjective experience as objectively harmful, even though I didn’t name you or Alessa, didn’t claim either one of you rejoiced in my pain—only that I feared it. I was writing in my own thread, about my own healing

This is emotional reversal: you are turning my (past) fear of you into an accusation, and my boundary into harm.

None of the quotes you provided indicate verbal abuse. Not by any ethical, psychological, or relational standard.

* Verbal abuse involves such things as targeted insults, threats, degrading language, and intentional harm.

I did none of that. I expressed distress, reclaimed my voice, and set boundaries around my healing space.

What you are doing, however, borders on emotional gaslighting: you’re denying my reality, reframing my trauma response as aggression, and using moral language (“should this be allowed?”) to silence me.

Tee, I have the right to name harm, to express fear, to reclaim my voice, to set boundaries, and to write metaphorically and emotionally in my own thread.

We are both stubborn, Tee, and I don’t expect resolution. Perhaps, like Lewis B. Smedes wrote in The Art of Forgiveness (provided by Peter)- sometimes forgiveness is more about releasing the need to fix than finding agreement…?

I am willing to let go and move on.

I just came across Jana’s post: “… Everyone needs love, protection and respect… Everyone needs to be offered the feeling of security and non-fear. If we decide to set healthy boundaries during conflict, the boundaries will protect everyone.. Can we try?”- yes, Jana, I am willing to try, absolutely. I already agreed to the boundaries set by Lori: (1) no more Stream of Consciousness Journal (SOCJ) where I request no responses (set on Aug 8 in my thread), and (2) whenever I post, if I am thinking about Tee, or Alessa, I will address the post to Tee or Alessa, or to any other member whose words or behaviors I am reflecting on (“Unless explicitly stated, my posts are not about or aimed at any individual in this forum. Still, in yet other words: my writing is personal and reflective. It is never intended as commentary on other members.”, Aug 14)

Ever since I agreed to these boundaries, I kept them.

Thank you, Jana. You are brave for coming up with this thread. I am impressed by your courage.

I want to submit a post to Alessa next (it’s already prepared).

Anita

Dear Alessa:

You are welcome. I am sorry that you’ve been feeling so distressed.

When I responded to you yesterday, on this thread, I felt nothing but empathy for the girl Alessa, and wanted to express it as one girl (aka inner child) talking to another girl- a girl with whom I (the inner girl) have so much in common.

I was too distressed so far to address the multi-layered conflict, too reactive inside.

I think I’ll post to you next in Jana’s thread.

Anita