Dear Tee:

So much of the stupidity that I observe around me these very days irl is about people preferring to NOT see the glaring, evident truth.

The make-believe, wishful thinking.. Irresponsible Optimism, in real-life, these very days (which I haven’t shared about).

So.. funny.. My mother, my perceived goddess.. huh..

Just a.. what’s the word- not someone for me to look up to, not someone deserving any admiration of any kind, because even her being hard-working, even that she.. misused to cause harm.

It’s just that she.. was no one to look up to.

I feel sorry for her for not being someone for me to look up to.

Just not someone I value.

The little girl that she was before I was born- yes, worthwhile.

But not the woman/ person I was born to- through.

Not someone deserving my esteem, or my respect.

Not a good person.

Dark eyes, mild sadistic smile, words like bullets hitting through the heart.. BOOM

That’s the thing I was born through, cruel, vengeful..

May I STOP seeing her as anything other than what she was, to me, to others: MEAN. Sadistic.

Dear Tee:

“I hear you and understand that you might be feeling befuddled by these newest realizations: that you didn’t see something that you say was pretty obvious (your mother wearing a wig), or that you’ve only now realized that what you saw that early morning wasn’t a dream, but you really saw your mother’s bald head.

“But your mother told you it was just a bad dream, and so you didn’t question it further. You accepted her words… You needed to believe her, because this is what allowed you to stay attached to her, which is what we as children need to survive. We need to stay attached to our parents, and that includes believing that our parents are good people and that they have our best interests in mind.

“So, believing our parents, trusting their intentions, blaming ourselves rather than them if they mistreat us… that’s all how we keep the hope that our parents are good people and that we’re safe with them.

“In addition, abusive parents (specially narcissistic parents) regularly gaslight us and tell us various lies (that they’re the best parents, that they only want what’s best for us, that we’re bad, ungrateful and unworthy, but that they love us anyway, etc. etc.). Similar lies that your mother told you.. And they’re really good at ‘selling’ their narrative.

“So I think it’s kind of a 2-fold action: we want to believe them, because we need it for our survival, and they’re really good at portraying themselves as good and us as bad. They’re very convincing. And I think that as a result, we get easily brainwashed: we are receptive to it, and they are master gaslighters.

“And then we start gaslighting ourselves too, telling ourselves that our parent is a good parent, that things aren’t as bad, that they mean well.. and I think that as a part of that self-gaslighting, we might not even see or perceive certain things that would be obvious to an outside observer.

“It’s like we don’t want to see those things, and so we block them from our conscious awareness. I suppose that’s what happened to you, and why you never put 2 and 2 together regarding your mother wearing a wig. She told you it wasn’t real, and you believed her, because you wanted to believe her: not only about the wig, but about everything else. Because you needed to believe her, because that was key for your survival.

“At least that’s how I explain it to myself… what are your thoughts on this?”- I agree with every word I quoted above, every single word.

“The lies are unfortunately pervasive: almost everything she told you (or conditioned you to believe) about yourself and other people isn’t true. Also, a lot of what she told you about herself – how good and loving mother she is – is also not true.

“But the worst lies are those that we’ve accepted about ourselves: about our worth and how worthy of love we are. And it’s good to hear that your sense of self-worth is growing by the day… I’m really happy about that, Anita ❤️ It’s a great sign, and indicates that her lies are having less and less impact on you! 🤞”- Thank you, Tee (did I already say that you’re the best..).

Developing the thoughts I copied above: To maintain attachment to her (biologically, instinctually, a matter of survival), I submitted to her in every possible way, best I could: let her wash me, let her dress me, eat all the food she wanted me to eat (overeat), study in school best I could, hours and hours.. let her endlessly vent to me (about “the evil” of others), let her hit me while looking down as she did (because she said she likes it that I do), TRIED to clean the apt to her satisfaction.. Tried to teach her (as a teenager) what I read in psychology books, offered to be her warrior and get the “evil people” away from her..

* This is amazing.. I never listed the things I did, or try to do for her. She always listed in great detail what she did for me and how ungrateful I was. Here is my FIRST time acknowledging what I did for her.. what she wasn’t grateful for!!!

Oh, and the money I sent for her, or in her direction (much, much more than what I mentioned before).

Oh, and faking a marriage so that she can be brought to NYC, her dream come true (not proud of it.. yet the motivation was to make her happy).. And more and more.

Truly, I wasn’t aware of this before, how hard I tried in each and every way that was available to me- to please her, to satisfy her, to make her mind and life better. Never gave myself credit!

The title of a book, I think it was, “People of the Lie” comes to mind. She gaslighted me so much.. She LIED to me so thoroughly. About who she was (UNGRATEFUL to me… except that one time when she said the trip to NYC/Florida was.. something positive, don’t remember the words she used, but I remember how unique, a first it was that she gave me credit for anything 1-2-1.

(Her bragging about my non-existing academic success in school was .. bragging to others so to elevate her image).

So, today, I am giving myself credit for all my many, many.. many efforts to help her. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!

Coming to think about it- the timing is perfect: Thanksgiving!

Thank you, Anita, for your many, many efforts and all your hard work invested in helping this woman!!!

People of the Lie- it’s a lie that I was selfish and ungrateful to her.. a lie she told me.

All her guilt-tripping and shaming me were based on LIES.

Okay, better I try to relax now.

Thank you, Tee 🙏 🙏 🙏

❤️ 🤍 🫶 ❤️ Anita