Hi Anita,

I do realize fate is not all. Most of the time, decisions of the person is what determined the outcome. That part I have no problem with. Because I strongly believe my life is up to me to carve out. That is the reason why I put in so much effort to be with Debbie because I know, it is up to us as a couple to carve out our path. When she show signs that she is not into it anymore, that is why I suggested the break-up. There is no point anymore for me to fight a one-sided relationship.

Hi Eliana,

There are 2 sides to her. Most of the time she will be this serious cold hearted woman which I really dislike. Sometimes she will be this little girl who open her heart to me. Guess I love one but not the other. I am now imagining with the cold hearted lady and I really dislike that. She always over-analyze things and I think she realize she has no future with me. After all, women needs security and she don’t see me providing her that. I knew about this all along that is why I am willing to sacrifice myself for her. Even though I do have a decent job, and is making decent money to have a decent living, apparently it is still not enough for her. In the beginning, when she was still in her “fantasies”, she said she didn’t mind starting all over again but apparently she mind.

Anyway, coming back to imagining being with her now, especially the cold hearted Debbie, I am not looking forward to that. Then again, I am also very attracted to her beauty which is why I miss her so much. She is the type when she walk into a room, she commands attention. One of my colleague said, she is too hot for me! 🙂

Read something online where they did a survey and showed that women want security from men and men want beautiful women! LOL..that is spot on in my case.

Hahaha…I need to find humour in everything. I am okay when I am at work because I am surrounded by good friends. Just when I am alone, my mind starts wondering and missing her. I know I will miss her for the rest of my life and I should learn to live with it. Even though she treated me badly and especially how she ended the relationship by blocking me and not even saying proper goodbyes. I am actually a fun person and I always say the darnedest things to create humour among my colleagues. I am actually living a decent average income life and I can afford most things in life. Not luxurious but decent enough.

Am I blabbling again? Hahaha..to think that I am an introvert and don’t really talk a lot in real life, I sure do type a lot online!

I am hit with sudden anxiety. I think the feeling of not being with Debbie anymore is sinking in. Heart is beating fast and breathing is getting difficult. I think I will be fine. Need to get it really sinked in.

As for relationship with my wife. That is another story. I am trying get rid of Debbie from my mind and then try to see if I can salvage my relationship with my wife. I don’t want to think about that at this moment. Maybe in a few months when my emotions are more stable.

Thanks Anita, you are awesome!

I have been trying for the past few weeks. I can mostly function like normal. Work does keep my mind occupied and other hobbies. However, there will be times when I will be alone. Resting my mind. Especially when I drive and when I sleep. I think I have build this subconscious into me during the time when I was with Debbie. Driving and sleeping was when I am really excited about and thinking about her. So after the breakup, this subconscious is still lingering. Anyway, thanks for all the advises I know I have to stop thinking about her and that we are no longer getting back. I tell myself this everyday.

It’s really hard. This hole in my heart will never be filled. I just need to get used to it.

Life goes on no matter what.

Oh BTW, I am still waking up every night. Sometimes 2am, sometimes 5am and so on. Sometimes getting back to sleep is hard. Sometimes because of a dream that I know is subconsciously about her. Due to lack of sleep sometimes I am cranky. Now my sleep cycle is screwed up. I sleep late so that I don’t wake up in the middle of the night. I know I have to overcome this myself. Really appreciate you all for “listening” to my rant.

Sorry for the typos. Can’t edit them and using mobile phone.

Dear Anita,

You got the parentheses right. I am referring to Debbie when I said “she”. We had this conversation when we started our relationship. So it is a past tense which no longer is relevant when I am no longer with her.

What I am trying to say is even if I do leave my family, I will not just abandon my children and stop communicating with them. I will try to continue to fulfill being a father. Talk to them via conference or pay for their tuition and so on. Not like ceasing all communications with them and leaving them for good which is not something I can do to my children. Love them dearly. Anyway, this is a past now. I will just need to suck it up. Thanks for listening to me. It really helps to make things better.

Sleeping at night is still not easy. I have this internal clock in me that will make me wake up in the middle of the night. Like around 5am. That’s because during the time when I was still with Debbie, I would wake up early to text with her before she go to work. I will wish her “a good day” every morning. Now it is build into me and I just naturally wake up early morning. Sometimes I barely sleep 3 hours.

Thanks for all the advices. I know I should not hold on to the anger. It is a buddha’s teaching not to hold anger or grudges as it will eat away a person from inside. However, I am sure a lot of people know that saying it is easier than done. I have to get her out of my mind. Starting to pack up things that she gave me. Some gifts that I bought her which I didn’t have the chance to give her. I do think I didn’t get a proper closure to this relationship. It’s really frustrating. At the same time, I know I have to move on.

I’ll take things one step at a time. Luckily, I have colleagues around to talk about useless stuffs to get my mind off her. However, do anyone of you think it is good idea to talk to someone about this other than my therapist? I have stopped going to the therapist as I do not feel it is helping. I did spoke about this affair to a female friend but all she does is give me standard advice that is not helpful.

Everyday, I am telling myself that life must go on. I see someone on the street and tell myself life goes on for him/her, it should go on for me too.

Hi Davey,

You are right. I sacrificed my thoughts to please Debbie. As my therapy described it, I tried to hard to protect this bubble holding us together to from bursting. Because I know once we are together, we will have a great life together. I know I am wrong to do such a thing but I just cannot stop myself.

I have not being doing much for myself lately other than to try to forget her. I go to work as usual. I have been going back to bowling with my son. I spend a lot of time playing computer games and watching movies. I do not have many friends as I am an introvert. I started going out a little with colleagues and old friends. I used to not drink but now I drink a little. Just social drinking nothing serious.

It’s just that everything I do and everywhere I go, she pops into my mind. It is a heartache everytime this happens. I want to learn to deal with it and move on with my life.

Dear Eliana,

If you have time to read, you can refer to another thread where I posted about my relationship with Debbie.

My long distance affair and sad breakup

Also, I do think the relationship ended without proper care closure. She doesn’t want to talk a about intensive things. In a way, she is running away from the things that she has done in this relationship. She is a hypocrite. She says she don’t like to lie. That how this affair caused her to lie so much, it is killing her within. However, she said so many things to me that she still does not want to be responsible with anymore. In a way she lied to me.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by abubin.