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Adam PParticipantHello micro14,
My sympathies to you and your bf. After reading your story, it’s good to see you and your boyfriend are going to therapy and right now that’s the best “vacation” for the two of you because you can already see the viscous cycle forming when it comes time for a new vacation and your boyfriend tells you he won’t behave like that anymore and surprise….the same drama and frustration on vacation. Don’t feel bad about going on vacation with one your friends instead of your bf and enjoy your trip to Europe. One suggestion to you would be to sit down with him before you leave for Europe and assure him that there will be other trips to Europe, Caribbean, etc. and that you are looking forward to sharing new memories with him. Ask him as well when you go on vacation if there’s is anything he would like over there. As well keep in contact with him and along with anything he mentioned as a gift, go the extra mile and bring back a surprise for him. That way he won’t feel abandoned by you and he’ll feel excited for your return. (Since you mentioned he was suicidal, you know him better than us so it’s difficult to give the best advice since he could act out even when you are on vacation).
All the best to you and have a safe and enjoyable vacation to Europe.
Take Care
Thank YouAdam PParticipantWell for me I would say the evening time, especially in the late summer and autumn seasons. Watching that beautiful sunset over the colorful foliage, especially here in New England. The time where you can relax after the day and reflect. Everything is quiet, everyone has left work and is at home.
But I will agree with you guys with the early dawn. I’ll never forget in December 2008 when I traveled up through Vermont and stopped at a rest stop outside Burlington and got out and saw the picnic area with the small trees decorated with the white Christmas lights and in the back was Mount Mansfield and all the white snow on the top and the sun rising up. It was truly BEAUTIFUL.Adam PParticipant“When life knocks you down, try to land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up. Let your reason get you back up.”
-Les BrownI hope this quote helps you. Thank you for allowing me to share it with your life.
Take Care 🙂Adam PParticipantHey there phightphear,
Really the only thing best for you would be to celebrate your birthday one on one with your friend that wanted to throw you a party and enjoy the day. If he’s a true friend he won’t mind going out to celebrate and help you with your problems. No need to worry about coworkers, etc attending.
Remember nothing special will change at 30, unless you put in the effort and learn that sometimes rejection is protection. Just continue to focus and put your all at work and improve within yourself and you’ll attract another woman that will share those same positive qualities.
Take careAdam PParticipantPeople can fool you Abishek and you know what, you may NEVER EVER get a clear answer from her.
Certainly people that feel the need to surround themselves around others put on “two faces”. The mask they wear out in public is used as a disguise so that they can suck or absorb other people’s energy and emotions to make themselves feel better about themselves. In most cases, these emotionally unavailable individuals would rather die than expose their flaws and insecurities to even just one person. Just as Anita mentioned, there are thousands of people walking around “hurt” and it’s not your job to heal them. Don’t worry, even after you stop talking to her and she may find someone else new that new person will experience the same results. Emotionally unavailable individuals live a vicious cycle where they repeat the same actions over and over and over again. It’s only up to them if they want to change. The important thing is that you yourself change. By all means continue to be the same caring and compassionate person, but stop giving out so many chances. 2nd chances I firmly believe in and have given them to people, but with your situation the chances are done. Consider this a great life lesson and in the future if you don’t receive a clear concise answer from the next woman and hear some of those common excuses, just don’t bother and turn your attention away.
It’s nice to hear that you have been doing some research online about emotional unavailability and we don’t know what happens behind closed doors so it can be something deeper emotionally (BPD, Bipolar, etc.) One way to help your healing would be any kind of meditation/ and or prayer for these individuals. It certainly has helped me. Individuals that suffer from emotional pain can spend their whole lives figuring out who they are.Stay strong
Adam PParticipantHey there ab786,
WOW absolutely WOW,
your story is absolutely similar to what I experienced back in college as well. I see that you are an introvert and as a fellow introvert there is no reason to be ashamed. There are plenty of confident introverts out in the world who just need their own space.
As for your issues with your female friend, it can be very frustrating dealing with someone who has a lot of emotional pain from their past which in turn can cause you to keep “pouring” your emotions and energy for that person.
My best advice to you would be to go no contact with her. Yes I’m aware it will hurt, but the NC is meant to help you heal not to purposely hurt her or get back at her. During this time, you will do a lot of self reflection and in time understand that you were an enabler for her behavior and realize that some people just go through life with the wind. If you need to, electronically block all contact with her. I assume you are still in school and if she is still on campus, I would strongly recommend no acknowledgement and if you have to just keep it short with a “Hi” and go about your business.If you still need some help, let me know.
Take Care
Adam PParticipantHello there,
Yes I know it can be difficult, but as long as you keep in contact with your close friends/family members and focus on yourself, you will feel liberated and free from constantly posting status updates and worrying about posting pictures showing your “friends” that you are living a fulfilling life.
I have been on FB since 2006/07 and it wasn’t until last year when I stayed cleared of it. My record is 1 year and a few months of not going online. Now I just go on and post occasional status updates and get in touch with someone if I don’t have their phone number. I send cards out to people I know for birthdays and holidays rather than post on their wall. At the most I spend 5 min or less when/IF I HAVE TO go online.
Remember take what you see on FB with a grain of salt. It’s a site full of narcissism and insecurity whether it be the people posting millions of selfies to the couples that post constant status updates about their relationship. If you’re an empathetic person or trying to be more empathic, you can almost sense that insecurity and fear from that person’s post.
When you are not so active or “not popular/visible” on the site, it allows for you to grow as a person (talents/skills, no need to compare yourself to others, etc.) and makes you that much more interestingNow excuse me while I go share this forum post on facebook 😛
Take Care
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This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by
Adam P.
Adam PParticipantAdam PParticipantHey Lucy,
Yeah exactly what chaycups has in mind. Just take the chance and state your intentions; “I like you”, “Let’s go out”.
You mentioned that the two of you were in your final year at school. With summer around the corner and with the semester at a close if you two are still in communication, just take the chance. If the two of you have stopped talking after school ended, don’t worry about him and enjoy your summer, post- university life.
Take Care
Adam PParticipantHey there hotfuzz,
Repeat this over and over again in your mind or write it down/ type it.
“I will find a woman that is beautiful inside and out. She will care about me. She will be loving, kind, respectful and trusting.”
You know, use your imagination regarding her outer apperance . Work on yourself most importantly and while living and enjoying your life , things should fall into place.
Take care
Adam PParticipantHi there Natalie,
I hope you’re doing well.
If you’re looking for an answer to your question regarding your situation, just go one paragrah up and read re-read the section from ” I know that……….but not every week”, followed by “and I’m not concerned how others view me.”
There you go, after that you should begin to have some form of identity. Just as Will mentioned with the age differences, I’m sure there are some individuals 66 that still don’t know who they are or have lost it over time.
Take care
Adam PParticipantHello there,
I hope everything is going well/ improving in all aspects of your life; personal and professional. Doing everything for your roommate not only crippled her, but you as well. Embrace the gift of separation from her and continue to work on yourself. No contact is certainly a great tool for all of us that have experienced relationships with people that have greater struggles. If you ever do run into her or she tries to contact you, apologizing to you for her behavior, etc. If want to remain NC then go ahead, or if you are still feeling responsible/guilty, accept her apology and then continue with your life. There is a ton of information about no contact online and for those individuals that have gone months and even years, the guilt that they once felt inside for somebody else’s behavior goes away and if they ever do run into that person again, they either a. stay NC or b. acknowledge the person with no regard/care and move on. They leave that person to go with the wind.
Take what you learned from this experience and in the future if you have another roommate practice that assertiveness and vocalization.
Take CareAdam PParticipantJust remember the words came out of their mouths, not yours, which could explain what is going on in their personal lives behind closed doors. Any unkind words or actions they use or demonstrate can lead to clues on how they behave or how they are treated or were raised.
Take CareMarch 29, 2015 at 4:33 pm in reply to: How to overcome the need to seek validation from others? #74608Adam PParticipantHi there iantingtw,
It’s simple, It’s cliché, It’s:
REJECTION IS PROTECTION ( I know some people may include Life/God’s protection, feel free).
Rejection hurts for all of us whether it be with another person or for a job. You know when you hear the phrase; “Boy I sure dodged that bullet.” Or hear stories about individuals who found a better job or met a much healthier individual to share their life with after rejection, well why can’t that happen to you as well?
As others have mentioned, when you begin or get back to loving yourself, then you certainly understand the meaning behind this phrase and want only the best for yourself and stop the seeking of validation from others and understand that sometimes the things you thought you wanted the most were not the best for you.
As for your personality, you stated that you are an introvert. BE PROUD OF IT. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. I myself am an introvert and enjoy every moment of it. When out in a crowd, I can be a social butterfly, but of course the downside is I “absorb” so much of everyone else’s energy and emotions that it becomes draining on me and I need rest. Us introverts are great because why everyone else is off talking talking talking in the rooms, we are able to recharge and slowly capture the entire room’s attention with our “quiet” yet strong presence/discussion. Here’s a little confidence booster, those introverted individuals are the ones everyone talks about after the party, gathering, etc. wanting to know more about.
As for a way that you can improve your personality and behavior around others would be to have a strong interest in something and share it with others when out and about in public. Have you traveled around the US or the world? Well if that’s the case, don’t be scared to share your stories with others and even if you have never traveled and are interested in travel, my advice to you would be to READ. Read as much as you can about different countries and one day when you’re talking to someone who has visited Lichtenstein, you can mention or even go into detail about a certain historical monument or fact such as that there is no border control between them and Switzerland (See how easy to incorporate it into the conversation).
Or how about technology? Everyone uses technology in some shape/form. People are always looking to upgrade their pieces of technology such as laptops and smartphones. There are so many people out there that own smartphones/laptops and not know all the complete functions and aspects of their technological devices (including I). Just imagine having that confidence to educate others about all the differences among Apple, Android/Google, Windows when it comes to smartphones and laptops and the history of each company.
Don’t see it as trying to learn so much info. in one sitting whether you’re at school or work, just do a little bit of light reading while on your lunch break/ free time, etc. When you get home, if there’s no necessary work needed to be done and you don’t have anyone to hang out with, just go online and learn/ read and educate yourself whether it be travel, technology, etc. so that when you are out you can apply everything that you learned about yourself and the subjects and show yourself off to others.
I hope I was able to serve some assistance you. Best of luck.Adam PParticipantWow 25, I remember when I was that age….yesterday. No worries. Hello I’m a 26 yr young still at home while I’m applying for higher level university studies.
You certainly have a lot on your mind and over think many things. Remember thinking is a wonderful process and we all as humans need it. Thinking is just like eating, until we do too much of it, then it hurts. After reading your message, I did not seem to find anything about employment/job. If you already have one, congratulations, you’re already on the correct path.
FIRST THINGS FIRST: STOP and be grateful that you have a loving and caring family that has allowed you to reside in their home for the past 25 years and if need be when you’re 30 or 45. (I know by the time you reach 30 you’ll be well independent).
Looking down at your list of problems, it’s quite clear that many of them begin with the common phrases; “I won’t be able”, “I’ll never be able to”, etc. When one begins any statement with these phases, guess what, then it will never happen.
One of you’re biggest goals in life is to one day own your own house, which is a wonderful investment. But remember that having a mortgage is certainly a BIG investment. There is no shame or stigma when renting an apartment, condo, or room in a house and putting aside a little for a home. You are free of the responsibility and maintenance/up-keeping and your sole responsibility is paying the rent/utilities (depending on living situations/circumstances). For many young people, it’s a dream for them to own their own house. Many go out and purchase property once they get that full time job after college. Some are aware of what they signed up for, while others do not and are left with the financial errors/mistakes.
Home ownership is one of your big goals. How do we achieve a big goal? By taking the small necessary steps. Each small step helps us and brings us closer to a big goal. Moving away from family members can be difficult, but with the endless amount of technology available today, it really can feel like a small world. If you are independent, then the social life will “replace” the heartache of missing your family. Once you take that first step towards moving out and working/living on your own, then things will begin to progress and the over thinking will begin to subside as you are occupying your time and energy towards owning a house.
Take Care -
This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 