Hi JeanKhoo,

I know when we are losing hope that it is easy to sort of fall into it, but I think the antidote is instead to create possibilities. We can always improve, no matter what is going on around us. Who is the person that you want to become? What do you want to change? I like to make a list of goals, choose one, and then create a list of steps that will help me move closer to that. And that at the end of the day you can reflect on progress, on something good, instead of thinking about things that pull us more and more into a vortex of negativity.

One thing that helped me with my own anxiety is to work on my response to it. I sense the anxiety well into my body, probably because I am anxious about the opinions of other people, but then what do I do next? I like to work on sort of detaching from it. Where is it in my body? Some professional advice I read in “DARE: A New Way to End Anxiety” is to almost respond to anxiety with a “F*** you” sort of response. And then instead of sitting there letting the anxiety overwhelm you, go do something that you love so that the negative feeling at least has to filter through something special. Over time, I think you will find the anxiety will start to lessen.

And you don’t have to be around anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. I rather be alone than be around toxic people. Perhaps instead of worrying what others think, you can instead work on your own self-progress until you become a person who loves to be by herself! As you search for the special people to hold onto in your life, you can learn and grow so much. Focus on the hope and possibilities instead of the bad.

Hey Myles,

You have been through a lot at such a young age. Not many people even three or four times your age can say that they love themselves. You sound very mature for someone who is only 17 or 18, and having been through so much at such a young age, perhaps you can realize before most people do what is most important to you and focus on that, instead of allowing yourself to be affected by other people, many of whom you won’t even remember by the time you are thirty. I just wanted to tell you that no matter how you are treated because you are black or gay, that it’s stuff to do with other people, their experiences, and doesn’t really have anything to do with you. Just be the type of person who you want to, and try to know who you want to become.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Mark.

Hi FearandShame,

There’s nothing you can do about the past. That’s good that you realize the things you did were wrong. Every time you get a memory or an unwanted thought, try to simply ignore it and see what happens. You start to learn about yourself this way, just sort of gently detaching from the thoughts, just watching the words go by in your head. As Charlotte Joko Beck once said, thoughts are just words, mental blips. Study the emotional reactions. Thought-emotion, emotion-thought. I then like to respond with the emotional reaction of the person I’d like to be, the response I’d respect if it was another person, instead of falling into it and letting it overwhelm you.

If you find a particular memory or thought emerging again and again, perhaps there is something in that memory that could be explored more. Or perhaps not. Perhaps you will find there is nothing to do but move on. But maybe you can try to do something to help or make up for any harm that you caused. I think you will find by helping others and trying to do good, you will start to grow into the person you want to become.

Realize a lot of these unwanted thoughts that you have are not your fault. What was the result of the mental abuse, and what are your own natural mental formations? Who knows? Perhaps instead of over-analyzing that, instead realize that you can always start to change, to grow. I like to create a list of things I want to change about myself, choose one, and then create a list of steps that will move me toward that goal. And then I like to go and do that first step, and then I reflect on my progress, perhaps celebrate with a cold beer. And learning also helps. “The best thing for being sad is to learn,” T.H. White once wrote. Learning a new language like Japanese can really help move past unwanted thoughts because your mind is focused and new neurons form, and I think old neurons that house these messed up thoughts (or however it works) start to be replaced by new knowledge.

Try to create possibility, and focus on the hope of those possibilities. Become the person you want to be instead of always looking back at the person you were. You are only 21! I am so jealous. I actually am remembering being 21 and going through something similar as you. I think the best advice is perseverance. The most you are able to respect yourself for the way you endure, the more you will start to grow.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Mark.

Hi Wildflower,

I found when life is beating me down that one of the things that helps me the most is to start of focus on my self-growth. I can make progress, no matter what is happening around me. I like to make a list of things I wish was different, choose one, and then create a list of steps toward achieving that goal. Taking that first step can be a great feeling, and I think you will find at the end of the day your load will likely be a little lighter because you have that hope peeking through all that loneliness.

You can become someone who loves to be alone. Fill your free time with things you love to do, and even just the search for a new love or passion can bring a lot of light into your life. Learning something new is a great way to find a purpose instead of wishing things were different. I like to take a few Japanese language sessions when I am really down because it forces me to forget my thoughts to memorize the different symbols and sounds. The key is to create possibilities, to focus on hope, instead of loneliness.

When I was going through a heavy emotional period one of the things that helped pull me out when when I shifted my attention to ways I can help people. I happened to read Catherine’s reply, and it reminded me of research I read on the Internet that there are certain people who go through a process in which they learn one of their purposes is to be a healer, to help people. Maybe you might want to google “healer” and see if the descriptions match what is happening to you. If so, you can always find ways to help people, and at the end of the day it is a lot better to focus on the good you’ve done instead of being alone.

Hi Ashley,

I think a lot of happiness is being content with yourself. Perhaps when you are alone instead of thinking about all the things you wish were different, you can focus on your self-progress until you love to be alone. I like to create a list of things I wish was different, choose one, and then create a list of steps toward achieving it. Taking that first step can be a great feeling, and you can revel in that momentum at the end of the day rather than being unhappy.

Taking the time to write down a few things you are grateful for each day can also help. Take the time to linger in that gratefulness for a while, really sense each thing you are grateful for. Helping other people is also a really good way to have something to feel good about at the end of the day, and you can meet new people. Learning something new can also make time fly and get out of your own head. Learning a new language is especially transportive to me because it forces you to use new areas of your brain.

I know that being a mom changed a lot of things and probably made life suck in a lot more ways, but now you have a little human being that you can watch grow up and teach cool things to. You can always do cool things to make your son’s life a little better. That’e the awesome part of being a mother. You can’t change the way you left (I think we all wish we did something different in the end of a relationship) but you can watch your son grow into a great man.

Hi None,

You don’t have to stay in a job that you hate. Take the lesson you learned about office politics and relationships from this job, and try to find a new job that you love. A fresh start can be almost magical. As you search for a job, decide on the impression you want to leave the office with. Be straightforward with your boss, and ask if there is anything you can do to make working there better before you leave.

You also don’t have to be around people who make you feel bad anymore than you need to. Decide on who is most important to you, and try to avoid people who only make you feel worse. Try to surround yourself with good people and find ways to make their lives better.

I know that you are depressed because of your father’s illness and other dramas, but try to focus on the good you do have in your life, and the hope that is in the future. Focus on creating possibilities instead of being dragged down by regrets.

Hi Homi,

Growing is a long process. You are still young. Perhaps instead of focusing on harming others, you can focus on your own self-growth, your own self-progress. Decide on the person you want to become and move closer toward that person each day.

You may not be able to change the thoughts that you think, but you can control your actions. If you meditate you probably have realized just observing your thoughts can lead to some interesting observations about yourself. If the thought it destructive or negative, just let it slide. Thoughts are just words and understandings. Try to focus on the good in yourself, the part that wants to help people.

Hi Sophie,

Learning something can also really help with loneliness. It helps fill the lonely hours, and you forget about yourself as you are learning the new skill. I might suggest learning a new language.

Also, focusing on the progress you are making on becoming the person you want to become can also help with loneliness. Decide who you want to become and move a little closer toward that person each day. Create a list of goals, then choose one, create a list of steps, and then try to complete a step each day.

I found that finding ways to help other people helps make me feel less lonely. At the end of the day you can reflect on all the good you caused instead of what is missing.