****PASTE RE: *****
I want to start with my appreciation for this forum, for all of the wonderful souls that dedicate any time to help alleviate others and raise them up. Over the years this forum has been incredibly healing, motivating, and conducive to my happiness, growth, and success. Thank you for this community!

 

Over the years I turn to this forum for various things. I know it’s a part of life that you may always have something that is not perfect, that you want to see change in and work on, but that’s life – and I accept that.

My spiritual and life journey has felt like it’s taken a plunge and even sometimes in my current position I think – where did it all go? All of my spiritual work, efforts – and through decisions and associations that somehow misaligned me from myself and past.

>In my last post before this one, there is a very detailed comment / response on the timeline of my last few years highlighting my top stressful situations and the thought processes behind it all.

In my last post, January 2021, I was conflicted to move out of my friend and her brothers house, and in with my mother.

After I made the post, my laptop broke, my phone broke – I had no connection and was in my friends home where I didn’t feel comfortable so I simply fixed my phone and called for my mother and moved in with her.

Clicking back on my last post I see I missed a vital response of advice that had I taken “ do not move in with your mother or anyone whom you had bad experiences “.

>From there you would not imagine the destruction that has taken place on my time. My mother was very unwell and sparing details would have blow outs and make efforts to incarcerate my brother and I for various things. I talked to police multiple times and she called multiple times, they simply said it was a family matter and left.

During this time I worked on finding a place though I should have just left to a hotel as she called the police on my brother and I and said we refused to leave her house ( she never asked us to leave, she constantly discussed us moving with her, I simply started working on finding my own place after her calling the police and returning to “normal” multiple times ).

I became upset one day as she insulted my brother calling him “POS”. He is older than me but fragile from her abuse as he spent longer growing up with her. I could not take it and I told her to leave him alone. She exploded, insulted me calling me disgusting – my own mother, left the house, came back with police, a scratch on her forehead and told the police I had scratched and forced her out of the house.

Though my brother was a witness this still resulted in me going to jail ( traumatic ), having to be bonded out, and now having my record smeared with a false battery charge.

So after that I was staying in hotels with my brother. We were in hotels for 4 months together, then split up after a silly argument in which he said “I don’t need you” and so I said, so be it and went to my own hotel elsewhere. Still, I sent money to support him and tried my best but I still stayed in hotels myself for around 4 months more. I could not save up enough for a place and afford the $70-$100 hotel nightly. I could only afford to keep paying the hotel. I had no friends to stay with, and my brother was with his partner and children in his own hotel trying to save and do the same as me.

I finally rented a cheap room somewhere in town. Though I was free of hotel fees – I felt in the middle of nowhere in the city, with no transportation, and nothing within walking distance. I found it hard to begin work as I would have to Uber to work and I didn’t have the funds for that consistently.

I spent 4 months there completely scrambling, not working, trying to save funds for Uber to work, my brother asking to live with me and I wanted him to but I was then living with a young guy who had drug issues, I didn’t have space from with not having transportation etc and I didn’t feel it was a good environment for either of us.

I ultimately decided to take up and offer from my ex boss to come back to LA to work / live with him. I took the offer and planned to begin work immediately and send help for my brother as he was in even worst position with no housing, no hotel.

Upon returning, I asked my older sister to pick me up from airport for comfort despite our horrible past and me ending our relationship due to essentially it not being healthy for me. I text my boss after landing that I am out running errands, though it was 10pm it was true my sister wanted to go to the grocery market which was open.

Though he is my boss we are friends as well so I didn’t think this would be a problem. A few hours later I text – no response, I have to sleep at my sisters and she seems upset about it ( we don’t have a healthy relationship ).

The next day I get no response. I call and my boss / friend sounds unlike I’ve ever heard him – angry, unforgiving, insulting – and says I’m on my own. Mind you, he is going through his first divorce and COVID affected work, so it is not a normal time for him.

I felt it was unreasonable as I flew out to work and stay with him and now stranded in the city. After weeks of stress, having to stay with my sister and stress her out with my unexpected stay, he agrees to let me move in with him.

Oh – and surprise mention – I find out I am nearly 5 months pregnant with a one time event that I literally unfortunately did for finances in desperation when I was renting the room with the unstable younger roommate.

So now I am in LA, pregnant, and living with my boss – though now he discusses we will hardly be working together but I can stay here. I call to plan an appointment for termination as I had no money, barely housing staying with boss, and not ready essentially.

I tell my boss and he freaks out. He pays for expensive ultrasound in the middle of the night at a clinic to confirm. He says I should terminate or simply have it and go back to the state with the father who I really didn’t know. I decide to terminate but the next day he is going on a trip out of state. He tells me I can’t stay there any longer, and brings up my marijuana smoking which I unfortunately increase briefly in times of stress but it has never been a problem, simply I was not able to begin work with the constant moves / needing to handle the pregnancy. Anyway I see a side again I have never seen, as if he hates me and doesn’t trust me at all. It was hurtful and so I just called my sister and left to her house.

My sister was very unhappy about me being there but I assured her I could find a place or even rent an Airbnb. She says no, just stay and save and work. I have the operation and she has no empathy towards me. I never speak of my symptoms or the termination and she says “you make everything about yourself” as I sit with the loss of a child and in pain physically while saying nothing about it.

It then becomes horrible daily as we share her studio and she takes out her depression / aggression on me. It was multiple events and comments and her kicking me out multiple times ( while I’m still healing ) from her mood and ultimately saying “I had depression and didn’t give a **** how I treated anybody”, and her actions towards me reflected that. Everyday it felt she hated me, pushed me around, then pointed the finger – I could never speak up. I just tried to save and do my best to find a place.

 

After almost two months staying with her on and off ( she would kick me out randomly, welcome me back, and do it again ), I return home happy to hangout and have some St Patrick’s day relaxation. When I get back to her studio I send her a friendly text if she wants to get together, she texts back she’s having a mental breakdown and needs space.

 

I start to cry as I feel her mental breakdowns result in her accusing me of something “you make everything about you” etc. I feel it will result in her being upset / irritable and even majorly passive aggressive or just random rude comments when she’s not happy.

5 minutes later after she texted me she needed space for her mental breakdown – and me returning to her studio, she returns and is completely fine. She says she feels better and asks why I’m crying. I say because she says she’s having a mental breakdown and I don’t know how to help / it’s overwhelming.

 

She immediately becomes defensive and says she can’t even express her own emotions if she’s having a down day without me taking it personal, etc etc etc.

 

For me she makes it personal when she is having a down day. It’s not simply a day of her venting – it becomes a day of aggression directed at me.

 

So I just say ok I’m sorry I’m going to go for a walk and I love her. She says she thinks it’s best I move out ( knowing I have no where to go and here constant up and down affecting my location, thus not working / nothing saved up to pay for a place ). I say okay.

 

I go for a walk and on my way back her car is stalled in the middle of the street of her studio – she calls me and frantically asks if we can talk. I say it’s fine I will leave today – she says no she wants to talk about me staying. I walk to her car and we chat. She says all of the problems of the month are little to do with her own state of mind but because we are in a small space – studio. And that she is moving to a one bedroom and I can join her, and that it will be 100% better because we have the space.

 

For me, the last two months with her were so traumatic and just from my perspective an unwell person with high animosity toward me at times taking it out on me. It didn’t sound appealing to me I told her I would think about it.

I left to my friends for the night and asked if she wanted to drive me in exchange for money, and a small gift, not because I needed the ride – but as a way to leave for the night in a friendly manner. She agrees so we leave and chat and have a good drive.

 

The next morning I awake to paragraphs of her saying I cannot move in with her and should move my things asap. It was just so bizarre but I was over being a fawn to her mental instability and thus, emotional toxicity. I said ok, I love her and will move my things within a week.

Anyway fast forward into the week and I’m trying to secure a room in an apartment with bad credit and weak current work income, not an easy process. I find two and have a hard time deciding between. I ask her, as she’s my big sister, if I can have her advice between the two. When I tell her I’m moving she freaks out and exclaims I have a marijuana addiction and should move into a homeless shelter – one her church operates and she constantly would send me links. It makes me think she doesn’t want to see me working and in a good position, as I have always been in a better position per se financially, with housing, lifestyle, etc. and now while I simply have work and housing issues, some connected to her, she exclaims it’s not possible for me and I should just seek treatment for marijuana.

I have smoked marijuana on and off for a few years – medically. Initially for sleep help working the night shift, and then I simply enjoyed it socially or before yoga. Under this stress with the housing I tend to smoke more as I have a higher level of stress and not my usual coping mechanisms ( my own nice space to decompress – do yoga, meditate, journal, focus on myself and work ) – it’s just been others moods.

 

Additionally, my sister struggles with quitting marijuana, something I don’t have an issue with. I have weened myself off multiple times – it is like coffee to me. For right now I reason I don’t deserve the stress and it doesn’t help come up with better solutions so I smoke a little more. I still take care of my health, etc. Meanwhile my sister struggles to take care of her health, work, maintain peace or happy lifestyle and to stop smoking marijuana. It seems like a projection for her to accuse me.

Anyway, I made the decision to move into a less desirable apartment situation vs one more aesthetically pleasing / with roommates who seemed healthy and with similar interests, because the 1st apartment was in a safer area. It’s been two days since I moved and I feel uneasy about my roommate already. She does have high anxiety but I find it hard to be trusting even when my guard is down, I feel her anxious nature leads me to feel distrustful. The power was off last night, so I had to leave to a friends. I don’t feel she’s in a healthy or responsible state if the power is being shut off after moving in a roommate and it’s her responsibility. I’ve only given her rent + 1/2 deposit, negotiating to pay full by the end of the week.

Despite the location being nice, the uneasiness I feel makes me wonder if I should check if the 2nd apartment is available – and simply move out this week and negotiate that move out with her keeping the rent for the month + 1/2 deposit.

The 2nd apartment seems a healthier environment in the house ( roommates in a better place emotionally ? ) and it is bright / modern more natural light which I find motivating.

I wonder if I should just stick with it, as it’s a 6 month lease and I’ve signed though not sure the papers are turned in just yet ( sublease ), work for 6 months and make it work, hope the power is back on – and then move somewhere more suitable, or just vacate now and try the other place though the neighborhood is far and apparently not as safe for walking though it may not be a big deal to me.

It’s important I’m in a place I feel safe, can trust my roommates, and can work on my personal things without roommate drama – and the power off, anxiety stuff is kind of drama to me rather than waking up with roommates who are stable in their day / mood.

 

I want to give her a chance, I’ve only been moved in two days, but it’s been such a drain when I feel I should feel relieved to have a room finally.

What should I do?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Bun. Reason: Copy / paste issues from my iPhone

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate your advice, and will go forward feeling better about my decision

Hi Antita,

Thank you for your response. I realize that he may not be homosexual, but his feminine nature turns me off. Maybe it is my own insecurities. I wish that I could accept this about him. I like his heart, it feels warm, but the rest creates a conflict within me.

He would be :/

Also, I feel like with new friends its all about keeping a light vibe. So how can I approach them with a lighter fun mindset when I just feel like someone who needs healing?

Thank you guys